03x01 - Heaven's Chimney

[bunniefuu]

[ Audience applauding ]

H-Hey, everybody !

It's bob and david !

Hey !

Hey, everybody,
welcome to mr. Show.

And, uh,
terra-Da loo to you, david !

Terra-Da-Loo, the bob !

Mr. Show is
the true way !

Yes, it is. And to
all mr. Show followers,

Terra-Da-Loo !

Oh, boy,

Look at this wonderful
group of followers, the bob.

Everybody, let's
give the bob a great
big terra-Da-Loo.

[ All ]
terra-Da-Loo !

Terra-Da-Loo,
terra-Da-Loo,
terra-Da-Loo.

Oh, boy,
tonight's the night.

We're finally
gonna go up
heaven's chimney.

[ Audience laughing ]

Does everyone have
their bags packed ?

I do. What about
you, the bob ?

Oh, dear david,

I have already left
my earthly body,

And become a purely
video image.

I'll just be bringing
a toothbrush and
an extension cord.

And enough socks for
all of these lunatics !

Terra-Da-Loo !
Terra-Da-Lee !

Terra-Da-Loe !

Terra-Da-Lie !

[ The bob ]
oh, my god !

David's been kidnapped.

All right, everyone,
just stay calm.

It's time to eat
the poisoned s'mores.

Come on up here,

Get them while
they're poisony,
that's when they're best.

We're going to go up
heaven's chimney soon,

And visit our grandfather
in the sky.

Have you got your
special shoes ?

And belts ?
Are you wearing
your belts ?

Your golf belts,

You know, with the
little insignias on them ?

Let's try this again.

David, i want
you to tell me
about the bob.

The bob will lead us all
through heaven's chimney

In a giant, cigar-Shaped,
u.F.O.-Brand flying saucer.

Really ? So bob is
a special person ?

The bob is not a person.
The bob is pure
light and energy.

David, i want you
to meet somebody.

[ Snapping fingers ]

He's somebody you
might recognize.

Tom kenny !

Y-You're from
mr. Show !

No, david.
Terra-Da-Loo, tom !

No. I used to
be on mr. Show.

David, the bob
has no answers.

David,

When we die,

There's no
heaven's chimney,

And there's no
rassleberry waterfall,

But there are

Giant golden gates
on top of the clouds.

And a wise man
with a beard will
have your name

Written into a fancy book.

Really ?

[ Tom ]
also, babies with
wings will fly around,

And some of them
will blow trumpets !

And all your
dead pets are there
waiting for you.

And jesus is there.

Chim-Chim-Charee !

And those 2 kooks,
cain and abel.

And buddha...

And mohammed...

And vishnu, and...

Who knows ?
Maybe even...

Shaquille o' neal.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Announcer ]
who knows who's going to
show up on this edition of

Crazy religious beliefs !

And now, here
are your hosts,

Clark richardson
and manny edwards !

[ Audience applauding ]

Hey, welcome to crazy
religious beliefs.

We've got some real
beauts this week, manny.

You said it, clark.

Hey, let's start
off with a crazy

Jewish belief.

[ Pig oinking ]

Many jews keep kosher,
and this practice,
amongst other things,

Uh, forbids the eating
of pork or shellfish.

And this law dates back
thousands of years,

When--When people were
dying of trichinosis
in the desert heat.

You see--

[ Both laughing ]

Somebody tell
these people about
refrigeration.

Speaking of cold,

Islamic women
don't often live
in cold climates,

But you'd never
know that

From the way
they're dressed !

That's because
it's forbidden

For women to expose
any skin.

Watch this !

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Arabic chanting ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Boinging ]

[ Both laughing ]

What a getup !

Trick or treat, clark.

Well, we'll have
more crazy religious
beliefs in a moment.

But right now,
let's put our
hands together

For some loonies
who put their
hands together.

It's time for
another visit

To loony prayer corner.

Ah-So-So--
Oh-Salaam-Ola !

[ Manny with nasal voice ]
hey, i ain't no necktie !

[ Clark with nasal voice ]
oh, no. Never should've
used all this crazy glue !

Dear god,

Please don't let my guests
suspect that i'm gonna

Serve them a coffee
substitute tonight.
Thanks.

Honey ?

Hi. Ok.

Ok. All right.

Hope you guys
have room for pie !

It's cooling.

That was
a great dinner, pam !

Oh, thank you.

* the incredible
edible *

* rump roast *

[ All laughing ]

What was that ?

Just a little
song i do.

Oh, well...

Well, that incredible
edible rump roast
should tell you

That we have an ulterior
motive for having you
guys over tonight.

Yeah, so before
we have some pie,

We have something
we wanna tell you.

Um, ok,

You guys are
our best friends.

Yeah.
Yeah.

You know, uh, pam
and i have been

Trying to have
a baby now for
a while, and, uh...

Well, i've got this problem--
No, no, no.

We've got this problem.

[ Audience laughing ]

Wow, this is hard.
Yeah.

What ?

Well, it's just that
you're the only ones
we know we can turn to

For help, and...

What is it ?

Y-You know what ?
I think i know,
mary, and, uh...

I'd be honored. Of
course you can have
some of my sperm.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
No question, you
guys, it's fine.

Oh, no, no. I've got
plenty of sperm.

You know,
too much.

Gets all over the place.

Yeah, it's...

And, i mean, we really
wouldn't have any problem
asking you for sperm.

I mean, that's
no big deal.

So, what is it ?

Ok, we should
just say this.

Um...

We want you
to watch us
have sex.

Please.

Please.

Oh, yeah, right !

[ Both laughing ]

Larry, come on,
you're not serious !

Look, look, look,
we'll do all the work !

All you have to do
is stand here,

And...

Look through this
hole, and, and...

You know,
watch us have sex.

Yeah, i mean,
it's only gonna
take a minute,

And--And then,
we'll have some pie.

Can't i just get you
some of my sperm ?

It's really good.

Yeah, yeah. Take
some of his sperm.

Ok, look, the
only way that

We can have sex is
if people watch us.

Oh, my god !

I can't believe how
selfish you guys are.

Don't you want us
to have a baby ?

I mean, do you want
to be the only people
with babies ?

I want a baby !

Ok, look,

Don't cry,
all right ?

I'm gonna go make
you some sperm.

Oh, damn it ! You're
sperm isn't the
answer to everything !

Guys...

Ok.

I'll do it.

Chuck, you don't
have to do it.

I'll stand here naked
and i'll watch you do
whatever it is you do...

No, mar, mar, mary...
no, no, you don't
have to be naked.

No, it's all right.
I'll stand here naked.
I wanna help you.

Yeah, mar, but
you don't have
to be naked.

Look, i wanna
be naked, ok ?

So just lay off !

Mary !

Look, i...

Like to watch
people have sex,

But i have
to be naked.

Well, great, this
works out perfect !

We don't care.

This is unfair !

What about me ?

What about you ?

I wanna go
make some sperm !

Chuck, we don't
need any !

It's not for you !

Look...

I like to masturbate
in a closed room

While people are waiting
for pie to cool.

[ Audience laughing ]

So that explains all
those missing cups...

And us moving next
door to a bakery.

Yeah, it does,
naked sex watcher.

Oh, honey...
naked sex watcher ?

Guys, hey,
hey ! Guys !

This isn't about your
sick, weird thing, ok ?

This is about
the two of us

Trying to start
a family.

Yeah, it is about your
weird thing, too !

No, that's it !

Mary, get over there
and start taking off
those clothes.

Chuck, you get into
that closet and you
start whacking it,

Because i want
a baby !

Yeah, well that
pie better be
done when i am.

You guys better
have good sex !

Oh, we're gonna !

Yeah, you
just watch !

Yeah. Oh...

Oh.
Did you say...

You said "watch" !

[ All laughing ]

I didn't even...

[ All laughing ]

Oh, we're terrific !

[ Audience laughing ]

Well, let's get to it.

Ok.

[ Synthesizer music playing ]

[ Announcer ]
ride the world's most
terrifying roller coaster !

[ Echoing ]
the devastator !

A heart-Stopping,


spine-Cracking


And the final plunge,


underwater !

[ Echoing ]
the devastator !

It's soul shattering !

Devastator !

Devastator !

Only at thrill world.

And now here's
trey brackish

With a special
news update.

I'm standing here
at thrill world,

Where this roller coaster
continues taking the lives

Of innocent people.

Earlier today, we spoke
with john oakfellow

Of the red cross.

Uh, we're doing what we can,

But the casualties
continue to mount.

We're losing people
to heart failure,

Uh, spinal injuries,

Even drowning.

It's been a real
soul-Shattering experience.

Indeed. The question
on everyone's lips is:

Why ? How could this
be happening ?

Recent victims include
local favorites,

The hutchinson brothers.

My brother is dead.

He broke his neck
and then he drowned.

W-Why ? I mean,

One minute we're
laughing and the next
minute, he's dead.

Why would god
let this happen ?

As the body count grows,

Locals took
extreme measures.

I don't get it. I mean,
how are you supposed
to protect yourself

From this kind of thing ?

Listen, we're getting
out of here, first
thing in the morning.

I'm afraid for my wife,

I'm afraid for my kids,

And, for god's sake,
i'm afraid for me.

I ain't leavin' !

Some people think i'm crazy,

But i lived here all my life,
and i ain't afraid of
no roll-Y coaster !

Troubled times.

It's been hard for some people
to maintain their spirits.

We'll be back after this
word from our sponsor.

[ T.V. Announcer ]
quite possibly the worst
hurricane to strike the area--

Oh, the humanity !

Why would god
let this happen ?

[ Announcer ]
have you had enough
of bad news ?

Well, keep your spirits up
with a visit to thrill world,

And feel the rush
of the devastator !

I ain't afraid of
no roll-Y coaster !

Thrill world. Open everyday
from 9:00 a.M. To midnight.

[ Audience laughing ]

Trey brackish, again.

I'm with dr. Peter langer,

Of the army corps
of engineers.

Peter, what can the public
do to avoid the devastation ?

Well, there's really
nothing you can do.

We're handling it.

Uh, we just hope that it will
let up soon after midnight,

As it has done for
the past 96 days.

And i'm asking
the community

To pray with me
that it doesn't start
up again tomorrow,

Shortly after 9:00 a.M.

Words to live by.

We leave you now with
a look back at today's
tragic events,

Accompanied by
livingston brewster's
song for the victims,

Thanks for the ride.

* said goodbye
to a friend today *

* he was off
to find some fun *

* and when he came back

* he never came back
because his life was done *

* oh, i don't know why

* so many people die

* but i'd bet if they
talked to god they'd say *

* thank you for the ride

* god, thank you
for the ride *

* thank you for the ride

* god, thank you for
the ever-Lovin' ride *

* got a ride from god,
did you hear ? *

* i got a ride from
the g-Man today *

* he picked me up and i--
All i could say *

* was thank you, man,
you're a big-- *

[ Clicking ]

Thank you for
the ride, man.

No problem.

I appreciate it.

So, a lot of heavy stuff's
been happening.

Uh-Huh.

I mean to me.
A lot of heavy stuff's
been happening to me.

Uh-Huh.

Yeah, i, uh, went
to the doctor's...

Um...

Got my tests back.

Got my results.
Yeah ?

Yeah, they think, um...

They think i have some
pretty serious, um...

Health problems-- Oh,
you gotta take this
right, up here, buddy.

By the rose bush ?

Yeah, just up there. Yeah.

Ok.

So, uh, so
what are you ?

Are you sick or somethin' ?
Hard right, buddy. C'mon.

I'm sorry.

Oh, they think i have
f*cking cancer !

Oh, f*ck !
God damn it,
i can't believe it !

Well, you know,
hopefully it
can be treated.

No, no. It's just
my turn signal's
broken again.

Damn it, i just
had that damn
thing fixed.

Oh.

But, uh, no,

f*ck, god damn it,
i can't believe it
about your cancer, too.

[ Audience laughing ]

It just sucks,
you know ?

Makes you wonder
what life's all
about, you know ?

I know.

I mean,
where're we headed ?

I know.

Well, where are we
headed ? C'mon, i'm
lost here, man !

All right.

Sorry i jumped
on you.

I'm just-- I'm
under a lot of
pressure right now.

My wife is all over
my a*s to bring home

This magazine i keep
leaving at work.

[ Audience laughing ]

Now this turn
signal thing.

That's going to be
a whole electrical
problem, and, uh,

Just found out
my best friend
has cancer.

Aw, hey, man, you know
hopefully we'll get through
this thing together.

It just sucks
for the poor guy.

Now you've
got it, too...

So, uh, how long
they give you ?

They said it could be
as soon as a couple
of months.

Hey, all right !
What ?

We're here !

Hey, all right !

[ Both cheering ]

Oh, my god !
[ Truck horn honking ]

[ Both screaming ]

[ Tires screeching ]

[ Both continue screaming ]

[ Announcer ]
what did we learn
from our friends,

Barton and berton, here ?

One: never share
sad information
with the driver.


try to avoid comical business.

Rather, press on the brake
to stop the automobile.

And 3: remember...

Driving is serious business.

That was driven
to distraction,

A classic drivers' ed. Film.

And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for,

Uh, this is very exciting,
this next film

Was discovered on
an archaeological dig,
near stonehenge,

It is the world's oldest
educational film,

And it is called
the limits of science.

Enjoy it.

[ Projector whirring ]

Year ago, life was hard,

But in today's
fast-Paced world,

We sometimes have
to stop and think.

How did we get all the
things that we have

That make life so easy ?

The wheelbarrow...

The donkey...

The food we eat.

It's all thanks to science.

Questions, questions,
questions.

Modern minds can
come up with 3 questions.

Peasant pete is full up,

And he heads down
to the kingdom's
modern science lab,

And asks a real scientist.

Pete wants to know,

What's up in the sky at night
that makes it so dark ?

The scientist gets help
from the wizard.

Some think that the earth
is surrounded by dark cloth

With pinholes in it,
through which the light
of heaven shines.

Others argue that nighttime
is when the sun

Sleeps behind
the earth's back,

And that the stars
are the sun's children.

Science will never
know the truth,

But what about the
arena of medicine ?

"Do i really need
these leeches ?", asks pete.

"Of course you do,"
the scientist says.

"Leeches suck out the
sick inside of you that
witches put there."

"So rubbing a hunchback's
hunch won't do the trick ?"

"Ha, ha ! No,

But it might make the
hunchback feel better."

[ Audience laughing ]

Science marches on.

Pete has one more question.

"How does a scientist
know what's true ?"

"Well, all facts
begin as dreams

"Dreamt by a wizard.

"If the wizard crosses the
path of a scorned widow,

"Then he shares it at
the town council.

"Now it is a hypothesis,

"And it's time
to drown the wizard.

"If he floats, he
is an evil wizard

"And must be burned alive.

"If he drowns, then
the hypothesis is true !

"The king is told and
he consults with his
menagerie of birds.

"If the king is satisfied,

"Then it becomes
an old wives' tale,

"And science is
once more advanced.

"Life is improved again,
and mothers, like this one,

"Will lose only
half their children,
instead of most."

"Hurrah for science !"
Says peasant pete.

And hurrah for the king,

Who removes pete's
right foot

As tax to pay the wizard

For the science he
has given us all.

And hurrah for
the wheelbarrow,

The ultimate and final
greatest achievement
of mankind

That all people love,
from children of 3,

To old men of 35.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Announcer ]
another in the series

Of wonderful
modern science films,

Brought to you
by smithy's barrows,

Maker of barrows
for over 200 harvests.

Now with wheels.

[ Kimberly ]
mmm-Mmm-Mmm.

They are showing this
movie to children.

They're calling it
an educational film.

What are they
teaching, here ?

About wizards,
and about witches...

Where are the
films that teach
about our lord ?

Kimberly ?

* he watches over us

* from down below

* his power and his glory

[ Both ]
* darken every door

* oh, satan,
prince of darkness *

* you're my lord

* hail, satan,
you're my lord *

* hail, satan is the one

* hail, satan,
prince of darkness,
you're my lord *

[ Both laughing ]

[ Both ]
hail, satan !

Kimberly, what a show
we've got today.
Are you excited ?

I am. I feel him.

I got the devil
in my feet-- Oh !

Get me an exorcist !
Look at 'em !

Send that exorcist away,
because i got 'em, too,

And it feels too good
to cut it out !

[ Both laughing ]

[ Both ]
hail, satan.

Our first guest

Is part of the
h.S.N. Family.

Right, let's get
him out here...

[ Both ]
moncrieff lanier !

[ Audience applauding ]

Oh !

Hello, kimberly !

You look beautiful !

To hell with
both of you.

To hell with you.

Oh, and kimberly,

Don't you look
beautiful tonight.

You are just the
mother of all wh*res.

Oh.

She is. She is a real
daughter of mammon,
isn't she ?

Well, flattery will
get you everywhere.

[ All laughing ]

Oh.

We have good times.

We do. The 3 of us.

Now, moncrieff,

You brought a special
friend with you today,
didn't you ?

Well, now,
kimberly, i surely did.

He's a young
fellow, he's a real
trooper, this one.

His name is kevin,

And i'd surely like
to bring him out here.

Kevin, if you would
come out here now,
i'd love it.

Give him a round,
folks.

It's hard for
him to come out.

Here he comes. Oh,
the wait was worth it.

And there he is.

Hello there, kevin.

Now, kevin,
will you tell
these people

Why are you in
that wheelchair ?
What put you there ?

Um...

'Cause i don't

Want to stand up.

Don't want to stand--

You don't want to do
anything, do you ?

No, sir.

Now, kevin,
you went and saw
a doctor, didn't you ?

Yes, sir.

And what did
the doctor say ?

He said...

I was...

Lazy.

[ Audience laughing ]

Kevin is lazy,
folks.

He doesn't want
to do anything.

Now, we all know
that idle hands are
the devil's playground.

And kevin is
a shining example

Of the beautiful
sin of sloth.

That's right ! And
a slothful child

Shall lead them !

There's bobby c.
With the scripture.

Now, kevin,
you manage to...

[ Groaning ]

You manage to
do some things,
don't you ?

[ Snoring ]

Kevin, we're having
a t.V. Show.

Now, kevin, you manage
to do some things,
don't you ?

Yes, i sleep,

I eat,

I take a bath,

I watch
pornographies.

He loves
his porno.

Oh, sure.

Kevin...

Kevin, you sweet boy,
can you hear me ?

He can
hear fine.

Oh, he can ?
I'm sorry.

Kevin...

I'm gonna make
your dream

Of slothfulness
and greed

Come alive !

Kevin, i'm gonna
build you a house !

I'm gonna call it
the devil's house !

It's gonna be filled
with the softest pillows !

It's gonna have
elevators,

Escalators,


Kevin, there's gonna
be a bathroom right
in your bed,

So you don't have
to get up and go to
the bathroom at all !

Hail, satan !

Hail satan !
Hail satan !

Bobby c. !

Uh, kevin
wants to say
something.

Kevin wants
to say...

I also want people

To perform

Beastialities for me.

[ All ]
oh !

Oh, and so it
shall be, sweet kevin.

Oh, and so
it shall be.

And if bobby says
it shall be so,

So it shall be.

This is a song now,

For kevin,
bobby c.,

Kimberly,
and the whole

H.S.N. Family.

* hai

* ai

* ail

* his darkness

* the hoary h*

* oooh

* ost

* the cloven one

* oh, satan, everyone

[ All ]
* my soul

[ All ]
* burns for you

* hail, satan !

* hail, satan !

[ All ]
* hail, satan ! *

Hey, little girl,

Beware of satanists.

They'll try
to kidnap you,

And maybe even
k*ll you.

You're obviously
misinformed.

Why teach the child
slanderous myths ?

[ Whispering ]
satanists perform
rituals with lots of blood,

And animal
sacrifices, too !

That's simply not true.

We don't perform
any rituals
involving animals,

Unless you count
fishing,

Which we don't.

Back to the water
for you, mr. Gills !

Satanists will
ask you for all
your money.

And you won't ?

They want to
enslave decent people.

We must destroy
them and their kind !

Now, that's religious
persecution,

And that's against
the law !

So long,
hatemonger !

Remember,
little girl,

Everyone's entitled
to their beliefs.