03x03 - Oh, You Men

[bunniefuu]

[ Both ]
hey, look everybody,

It's bob and david !

Thank you,
thank you.

Thank you
very much.

[ Crowd applauding ]

Thank you so much.
Welcome to mr. Sh--

Oh, hey, look at that,
hey, who wants a banana ?

[ Laughing ]

Let me see that.

Hey, who loves bananas,
everybody ?

[ Laughing ]

That's nuts, put that
away, put that away.

Oh, are you all right ?
Ok, well...

All right, well, we
have fun here. Ok, well,

You are here on
a historic night,

Because tonight,
we're taping our
"lost episode."

Thank you.

Yeah.

[ Audience whistling ]

That's right, uh,

As soon as we are done,
this uniformed official

Will escort and
lose the episode.

[ Audience laughing ]

And now, here to
start things off, is
windermere henkin,

The mayor of television.

Hello, windermere, i'm
glad you could make it.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Bob and david,

On behalf of the good
people of television,

I would like to
cut the ribbon

On your official
"lost episode."

Here's to
future nostalgia.

[ Audience hooting ]

Mazel tov.

All right,

The people of the
future will watch
this "lost episode"

And remember a time when
people named bob and david

Wore crazy outfits,

And brought us all to
the verge of laughter.

That's right.

And sometimes they
made us all think,

And that's when the
ratings took a nosedive.

So, if you want to remember
the comedy of the 90s
tomorrow, today,

Just call candy adams

At entertainment


So there you have
it, bob and david.

They're available
for weddings, parties,

Get-Togethers, g*ng-Ups,
bat mitzvahs, whatever.

They're very funny,

But be warned,
they are satirical.

But don't worry.
We have a lot of acts
that don't use the "f."

Acts like:

"Choo-Choo,"
the herky-Jerky dancer,

"Champion,"
the drinker,

"Peanut butter,"
the dressed-Up dog,

And guess what ?

We have ventriloquists, too,

Like, uh,

Wally p. Doyle.

Tell them, pedro.

[ Grunts ]

Entertainment 4-Every-1
has the best
in entertainers.

But for who ?

For you, you big dummy.

[ Announcer ]
that was the last
recorded performance

Of the ventriloquist

Wally p. Doyle,

Brutally gunned down
outside of a supper club
in utica, new york.

Fans of doyle and
his piney pal, pete,

Blame the puppeteer's
east coast rivals.

We know who took
wally and pete out,
and they will pay.

They will pay.

It's a chilling echo
of the deadly feud

That has consumed
the world of rap music.

The west coast is the
better of the 2 coasts.

We don't like
the east coast.

The doyle m*rder
was a retaliation

For the m*rder
of west coast ventriloquist

Vince daytona and
his wooden buddy,
fitzpatrick,

Gunned down in mid-Act
during a 6-Year-Old's
birthday party.

Despite or possibly because
of this shocking behavior,

Ventriloquism
has infiltrated
the youth culture,

And sales of
ventriloquism c.D.S
are at an all-Time high.

As of 1997,

This has become
a $16,000-A-Year industry

And a hot topic
in the media.

Rap artists, ventriloquists.

Blood has been shed.
Lives have been lost.

Mr. Spencer,
k*ller b. k*lled,

Dingle, professor m*rder,

Pickles, mr. Barnett,

What is it going to take
to put an end to all this ?

I'm gonna f*ck you
like a b*tch, dingle.

Oh, yeah ? I want you
to suck my 8 inches
of redwood--

Will you stop ?

Stop.

Come on, guys, gentlemen.
Puppets, gentlemen

I'm sorry.

Control your
puppets, please.

I'm so sorry.

k*ller b. k*lled,
what is it going to take
for people like you

And dingle to get along
with the east coast ?

Look, i don't know, man.

I mean, these guys got
their f*ck' talkin'
dolls and sh*t.

Questions,
professor pickles ?

What ? I ain't no
professor pickles.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, don't mess
with the east coast.

I don't need you defending
me, you howdy-Doody
looking m*therf*cker.

I'm outta here, yo.

Yeah, i'm with him.

Man, step off.

[ Announcer ]
but there is hope.

In the wake of
these senseless deaths,

Wally p. Doyle's widow

Is calling for peace

Among the puppeteers.

Oh, you men.

A nationwide peace
conference being held
at the motorcourt lodge

In indianapolis now
enters its 2nd month.

We're absolutely
committed to peace.

This has been too hard, we've
lost too many friends now.

We're staying here until
this feud is resolved.

So what is the current
status of the talks ?

I don't know, i mean,
it's not up to
us, it never was.

You know, it's
the little guys,

They're the ones
who gotta work
this thing out.

All we've ever wanted to do
is entertain the nice people.

That's right.

[ Announcer ]
so far, after 36 days,
no progress has been made,

And with the ventriloquism
industry shut down,

People are forced
to find other sources
of entertainment.

You know, at first,
when the ventriloquism
stopped,

I didn't know what
i'd do. But now,

I'm watching
a lot more t.V.

[ Announcer ]
yes, life without
ventriloquism

Isn't so bad after all.

I have more time to
play with my kids.

People are camping,

[ Chattering on t.V. ]

Helping the elderly,

And reading.

What's on the funny
video show tonight ?

Oh, um,

A man taunts a goat,

A dog wears a toupee,

A bird thinks it's a dog,

And baby loves head rub.

Oh, do we have
any blank tapes ?

[ Doorbell ringing ]

We should tape it.
Yeah, that's funny.

Oh, sh*t !

My god, mark,
what's wrong ?

Oh, jesus,

How could i forget this ?

Listen honey,
i should have told you
this a long time ago,

But before i met you,
i committed a m*rder.

What ?

Oh, sh*t !

Listen, i knocked
this guy out,

And i hung him from a tree,
'cause i thought he was
stealing my newspapers.

I left him for dead,
but somehow he got down

And he looked me up,
like a year later,

And i still run into
him from time to time,
and i just feel so bad,

'Cause, i mean, i tried
to k*ll him for stealing
newspapers !

You hung someone from--

Shh ! Listen, i ran into
him about a week ago,

And i felt so bad
i told him he could come
over anytime for dinner.

But mark, i'm having
a really--

Shut up, honey, i have
to live with this,

Now you have to support me.

Hey,

Listen, if he tries
to read any of his
dumb-a*s poetry,

Just be nice.

Mickey, hey, come on in.

[ Audience laughing ]

Hi, mark.

Hey.

Thanks for having me,
i hope it's no bother.

Oh.

It's no bother at
all, man. No bother.

Uh, there's no newspaper
on your porch,

I hope you won't blame me.

Oh.

[ Laughing ]

No.

Good, because i wouldn't want
you to try to m*rder me again.

Mickey, i'm sorry
about that, ok ?

I really am.

Hey, meet my
wife, gina.

Gina, this is mickey.
Mickey, gina.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, say, by any chance,
are you a m*rder*r ?

No.

Oh, good.

Then your children will
only be half m*rder*r.

[ Sighing ]

Mickey, i said i was
sorry about trying
to m*rder you, man.

I really am.

It was a mistake.

Oh, mistake !
Oh, a bit of
a blooper, huh ?

Oh, really, ok. Well,
that's understandable,

Because, uh-- Wait,
no, no, no, it's not. No.

Hey, man, can i get you
something to eat, or--
Or can i get you a beer ?

Uh, i'll have a glass of
water, if you don't mind.

I-I-It hurts to swallow
fizzy liquids.

Ok, one glass of
water comin' up, man.

[ Sputtering ]

What do you--
What's that color,
is that oak--

Glass of water for mickey !

Here you go, buddy.

[ Audience laughing ]

I can't,
i can't.

Mickey, can i get
you anything else ?

Oh, mark, you've
done so much for
me already, like,

Let me think, uh...
oh ! You turned me
into a living ghost.

That's something most people
wouldn't do for other people.

Uh, but then again,
i guess that's what
makes you the president

Of our exclusive little
club: "the mark tried
to m*rder me club."

Can i get you
some gum ?

No, no, mark !

You're not giving
this as*h*le any gum.

Honey...

I beg your pardon.

You heard me, i want
you out of our house.

Did your husband happen
to mention the fact--

Yes, he mentioned it,
but he didn't mention what
a manipulative a*s you are.

You just don't know
when enough is
enough, do you ?

Lady, your husband
tried to m*rder me.

Oh, yeah. Well, thank
god he didn't, right ?

There'd be one less prick
roaming the earth making
everyone feel sorry for him.

See ya. Bye.

Ok, fine, i'll go.

Let's see what the police
have to say about this.

[ Gasping ]

You son of a b*tch !

One second.

How many years did i have
what i thought was
innocent blood on my hands ?

Hang on.

How many nights have
i lain awake sleepless,

Unable to tell anyone
what i had done ?

Half a mo--

How many of your stupid poems
have i had to listen to ?

Get him !

[ Choking ]

I'm gonna k*ll ya.

[ Both panting ]

Is it ours ?

No.

But it isn't his, either.

The name on the address label
is eugenia o' shaughnessy.

Oh, see, honey ?

You were right to
k*ll him all along.

Maybe.

Eugenia o' shaughnessy is
his grandmother's name.

I know from some of
his dumbass poems.

She might have given
this newspaper to him,

But i like to think
he stole it.

Me, too, honey.

Me, too.

[ Announcer ]
does your husband
keep k*lling

The same man over
and over again ?

If so, then we want you
to be a guest on
the delongpre dannon show.

Call us.

Ok, we're back.

Things got a little bit tense
there during the break,
but everything's ok now.

Now, chris, you wanted
to say something
to todd. Go ahead.

You can't tell me
i can't have this baby.

I want some love and this
baby is going to love me.

I'm sick of all y'all
telling me what to do.
I'm my own woman.

[ Audience applauding ]

Nah, now see...
no, no.

See, i barely know this guy.
We work at the same tire shop.

I only see him
about twice a week.

He works in stock.

[ All ]
ooh !

You don't have to
love this baby,

But it's gonna love you.

[ Audience cheering ]

Can i say--
Can i say
something here ?

Yes, go ahead..

Ok.

Now, it's my professional
observation

That chris, you have love
feelings for your child,

But todd, you're
also hurting.

I know how that feels,
i'm 7 feet tall.

Let's go to
the audience.

Oh, oh, delongpre,
delongpre !

Ok, uh, first, i--I--I just
want to say to this gentlemen,

He needs to
check his attitude,

'Cause its the 90s,

And that stuff doesn't play,
mr. Macho man, uh-Huh.

Ok,

An-An-And fake girl, you
ought to be able to have
your imaginary baby,

'Cause the most
wonderful thing in the world
is to be an imaginary mother.

And me, i ought to
keep my mouth shut,

'Cause my mama taught me,
you know, to keep my nose out
of other people's business.

You go girl,
you get it girl.

You got it girl.

[ Announcer ]
the delongpre dannon show

Is brought to you by
ol' fisherman's sticky pads,

For use in medicine.

* they're gooey,
they're sticky *

* doctors use them
when you're sicky *

* they can decrease
your blood flow *

* in every color
of the rainbow *

* in blue
* and green

* and new aqua

* they stick, they hold,
they're great
for young and old *

[ Announcer ]
hey moms, are your
kids doctors

Or are they buyers
for large hospitals
or medical facilities ?

Well, then recommend
ol' fisherman's sticky pads

For hooking people
up to machines.

Ol' fisherman's,
with more than one use.

[ Both ]
they got 2 uses.

Now for lie detectors !

All right,
it's real simple.

Uh, paul, here, will ask you
a yes or no question,

And if you lie,
a buzzer will sound
and a light will go off.

Let's show him.

Oh, no,
that's all right.

No, come on,
we'll test it.

[ Both laughing ]

All right.

[ Sighing ]

What ?

Ok, let's think
of a good one.

Um, have you ever dreamed
of kissing your brother ?

No.

[ Buzzer sounding ]

All right.

It's called a dream.

Ok, all right, fun's over.
Let's get to work here.

Ok.

[ Clearing throat ]

Relax, sir.

Have you ever drank alcohol
to excess ?

Yes.

Have you ever taken
an ill*gal drug ?

It's ok, just tell the truth,
that's the important thing.

Yes.
Ok.

Marijuana ?

Yes.

Cocaine ?
Yes.

Heroin ?
Yes.

You did heroin ?

Yes.

Well, what about
angel dust ?

Yes.

Jeez !

What about crack ?
Did you ever
smoke some crack ?

Yeah. Yes.

Dude ! You're
out there !

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, w-W-What
was it like ?

You don't have
to answer that.

[Whining ]
paul.

Unless you want to.
I mean, feel free if you--

It was great. It's crack.
It gets you really high.

[ Laughing ]

Ok, all right,
let's get back to work here.

Um, have you ever stolen
from an employer ?

Yes.

And where
were you employed ?

Nasa.

Yeah, what'd you steal ?
A rocket ship ?

No, just some pens...

And some plans.

Plans ?

Space plans.

[ All ]
oh !

Hey, hey.

Have you ever k*lled
a man ?

Tsk !
Boring.

You wanna
let me finish ?

With your mind ?

[ Audience laughing ]

Yes.

Is this thing even on ?
Come on !

God, yeah ?

Yeah, remember ?
He kissed his brother.

Hey! That was a dream !
I dreamed it !

You can dream something
and it's not real.
It's just all up here--

Shut up !
Give me that !

Ok.

All right, uh,
i am a control freak

Because i was molested
by my parents.

Nothin' happened.

[ Panting ]

Oh, god !
What a breakthrough !

[ Audience laughing ]

All right, all right,
all right. Give me that.
All right.

Ok, here we go.

Now it's me. All right.

Ok, mr. Pants, here we go,
all right.

Have you ever...

Skinny-Dipped
with michelle goodwin ?

Yes.

Oh.

Wait, who's
michelle goodwin ?

She's this girl
i had a crush on
in the 7th grade.

Ok,

Have you ever dressed up
like a lady of affluence,

Gone to a fancy
downtown eatery,

Picked up a rich guy,

Seduced him, and made him
wanna marry you ?

Yes, our story was made into
a hit broadway musical.

Aw, man.

All right. Have you ever

Taken a train and eaten it
piece by piece

After you just derailed it
with your p*nis ?

Yes.

[ All exclaiming ]

It was for charity !
It was for charity !

All right.
Enough, enough.

Congratulations, you got it.
You got the job.

Oh, great !

Welcome to shoe-Court
shoe store.

You'll be working
in the women's athletic
department.

Well, i love shoes.

[ Buzzer sounding ]

[ Announcer ]
you've been watching the
lost episode of mr. Show .

Stayed tuned for
the time caplet.

Tee-Vee t.V.

We are your memories.

[ Announcer ]
the time caplet.

Tonight's special guest hosts,

The creators of
e.I., pip and pooper,

Squishy and the sea balloons,

And cornelius j.
Huffin'-Hoofin'
fattin'-Fiffin',

Sam and criminy craffft.

[ Audience applauding ]

Hi, i'm sam craffft and this
is my brother, criminy.

You remember us.

Our menagerie
of poppety oddballs

Were, uh, all over
your saturday morning
television set

When you were a kid.

Yeah, people are
always askin' us,

"Hey, man, where
did you get those
crazy ideas from ?"

Well, this was
the late 60s.

That was the early 70s.

Yeah, so, you know,

We didn't have short
attention spans like
you kids today, you know,

I mean, back then, i mean,

We could just sit and stare
at a candle for 3 hours

And just, you know,
have our minds blown,

You know, uh, i mean,
eatin' an orange,

That was like takin' a trip
through a citrus mountain.

Right.

Well, now we'd
like to show you

The last show
we ever made.

The thing never aired.

All right, criminy.

You know, i mean,
the network was like,

"Hey, what are you two doin' ?
You're crazy, you know."

It was too much
for 'em, man.

It sort of got us fired.

Yeah, you know,
they said it had a bad
message, but, hey man,

We were holding the
mirror up to society.

We haven't worked since.

So, if you're
watching, hollywood,
we're still alive.

Yeah, and if you
want to contact us,

Just call candy adams at
entertainment 4-Every-1.

Appreciate it.

And now here's our
lost, uh, episode.

[ Announcer ]
the following
children's program

Is not suitable for younger
or more sensitive viewers.

* billy was a normal boy,
lonely, lazy and dull *

* one day his friend
gurgles flew in *

* and hit him on the skull

* and he took the trip
to a place that's hip *

* exciting and wild,
his lid was flipped *

* it's as loony as

* a place gets

* welcome to the altered
state of druggachusetts *

Druggachusetts is
a sam and criminy craffft
production.

[ Popping ]

[ With british accent ]
gosh, what a great day in
druggachusetts, eh, gurgles ?

[ Gurgling ]
hey, billy, let's
have fun and play !

Billy, billy !

Hi, jonesie,
hi, pot brownies,
hi, hallucina-Jenny.

I could taste colors.

Oh, there's no time for
that. You gotta help us.

Ooh, what's wrong ?

Oh, somehow we've got to

[ All ]
order a pizza.

Well, that's easy.
Just use the telephone.

[ All screaming ]

We can't !

Everybody hates us.

[ All ]
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you guys are
just paranoid.

Oh, that's it, exactly.

All right, i'll
make the phone call.

[ All ]
yay !

But where's the telephone ?

Oh, i forgot.

But i know somebody
who might know.

Let's all go catch
the canna-Bus.

[ All yelling ]

[ Horn honking ]

This is professor
l.S.D. Trails' place.

Just a second !
Oh, i'm melting !

Oh, hello, jonesie.
Why do you hate me ?

Why do you hate me ?

Guys, come on, remember,
we are all friends here.

Who said we're not friends ?
We're friends.

Is he cool ?

Yeah, he's cool.

Professor, we need
to use your phone.

All right, then.

No, you can't call.
There's people
on the other end.

They'll know !
They'll know !

Yes, they'll know that
we want some pizza.

Oh, god, oh, god, oh,
god, these clothes !

They are too tight,
they are strangling me.

I'm havin' a hard
time here, man.

Oh, man, the professor's
freakin' out.

[ All ]
be cool, man.

Everything will be
fine in a few hours.

Don't forget to breathe.

Hey, buddy,

We're going to take you over
to the tent now, all right ?

Havin' a bad time here, man.
I wish this thing was over.

It will end.
Everything's gonna be
cool. Hey, you got--

Pick up your buddy
in about 2 hours.

I'm gonna give him some b-12
and some orange slices.

[ Professor screaming ]

Oh, and hey,
everybody,
listen up.

Only take what
you can handle

And always know
your dealer.

Yeah.

Well, now that
that's taken care of...

As mayor of the altered
state of druggachusetts,

I declare this pizza to be...

Awesome.

[ All ]
yay !

[ Music playing ]

Well, david, that wraps
up our "lost episode."

[ Sighing ]

It's all right here. Say
goodbye to it, everybody.

Write to us,
stay in touch.

He looks so natural,

Like he's sleeping.

Hey, lost episode,
i wish i had more parts
in you and sh*t, but...

[ Sighing ]

[ Audience laughing ]

Remember when there was only
one set of footprints ?

That's when
i was carrying you.

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, fancy pants, you
weren't in this show.

Go ahead, get
lost, episode,

See if i care.

[ Crying ]

All right, well,

We'll see you,
little guy, uh...

I hope the people
of the future

Appreciate you more
than these people did.

Yeah, these people
were assholes.

All right, now lose this.

Get it out of here.

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Both gibbering ]

[ Audience applauding ]

Thank you,
thank you.

Welcome to mr. Show.

Hey, look at this.

Who wants a banana ?

[ Screaming ]