03x04 - Flat-Top Tony and the Purple Canoes

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
today's mr. Show was filmed
in the middle of the morning,

When all the men were at work.

[ Audience clapping ]

[ Audience cheering ]

Good morning, ladies, it's
time for bob and david.

[ Audience cheering ]

Good morning.

Good morning, david,
and welcome to mr. Show.

We have some fun stuff
for the ladies today, huh ?

And some fun ladies
to share it with.

We have a group here
today from the womyn's
solidarity collective.

Oh!

Hey, ladies,
don't you look
pretty today !

Hot stuff ! Hot stuff !

Well, i'll tell you what,
i hope you don't mind
looking even prettier,

Because the first thing
on this morning's
show: makeovers !

That's right. Mr. Face
and mr. Hair will be
out here to fix you up.

Yeah !

[ Hissing ]

And we're gonna have
a visit from dr. Good sex,

Who is gonna come out here
and show you how to make
your hubby cl*max faster

So he can get on
with his busy day.

Pig !

And then we are going to
have a beauty contest,

And the winner
will be crowned
"queen pretty."

And she's going to
win a vacuum cleaner.

[ Audience ]
oh!

Yeah, look at
that! All right!

I'll tell you what,
bob. Let's really get
this show started.

Yeah ! Here's what
you came for.

[ Music playing ]

[ Women screaming ]

They love us, david.

Uh-Oh, bob, looks like
they want to touch
the merchandise.

[ Beatles-Esque
music playing ]

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* whoo

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* whoo

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* whoo

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* yeah

* yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah *

* whoo

* oh, yeah

* oh, yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah *

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* whoo

* oh, yeah

* oh, yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* whoo

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* whoo

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah *

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* whoo

* oh, yeah

* oh, yeah

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* whoo

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* whoo

* yeah, yeah, yeah *

I am ian shropshire.

And i am
clive shropshire.

From the band, smush.

And you're watching
video round up on v.T.V.

Just like
you're told to.

Hey, great, we're back.
Congratulations, you guys,

On the announcement
that your new album,

Space age super suit,
has gone triple platinum.

* doo-Dah, doo-Dah

Well, now, i know
today is a special
day for you, ian,

Because you became
a father this morning,

With the birth of a beautiful
daughter named shandy.

How does it feel
to be a dad ?

Dunno.

Tch, feels creamy.

W-We'll be right back
with smush, after this...

[ Announcer ]
how would you like to spend
spring break on the moon ?

Fruitastrophe inhalers
and v.T.V. Are sending
one lucky viewer

To the lunar surface
for spring break,

With the boys from smush.

That's right ! You'll be
a feature performer
in the new smush video,

And then you'll be shot
in the back of the head,

Execution style. Enter today !

Entrants must be
have parent's permission.

All earth laws do not apply
on the surface of the moon.

Winners agree not
to defend themselves.

If winner is chinese,
a bill for the b*llet
will be sent to the family.

So, this contest
is great.

You must be excited
about going to the moon.

Dunno.

Ok, i guess i need you guys
to express some opinion.

Because, i need...

Because i need the fans

To feel that they've shared
something with the band.

Great.

Ok. So, you guys are
gonna be on the moon.

Dunno.

We love cheese.

Do you see what
they do, doctor ?

Ian just says "dunno,"
and then clive makes
some sarcastic comment.

It's not fair.

Clive, ian, do you think
it's fair what's happening ?

No, doctor, it's not fair.

And much as i love alan
and want this to work,

I just feel like
i'm being quizzed,

Like he's some sort
of headmaster.

And i need my sarcasm,

You know, it's my
security blanket,
isn't it ?

Ok, here are some
ground rules.

Alan, try not to pose your
questions as a challenge.

Ian, avoid the
word "dunno."

That's a red flag word.

And we'll let clive
keep his sarcasm.

Lovely.

Well, how did this trip
to the moon come about ?

Dunno.

Red flag.

Record company has decided
it would sell albums, so...

Off you go.

The kiddies
will like it.

Great. Ok,
time's up !

See how this
can work ?

Hey, alan,
we're gonna make
this happen.

Hey, look,
it's halloween,
isn't it ?

Hey, you're
watching v.T.V.,

I'm chrysalis,

And today we're
gonna be talking to
norma jean monster.

How're you guys doing ?

Great !

Great, chrys.
It's good to
see you again.

Yeah. How have you
been ? We have so much
catching up to do

Yeah !

So, i take it you guys
have been getting along.

Oh, yeah !

Yeah. We've got to talk
about the weekend

We've got some slides.

And the best thing--

You were---

[ All laughing ]

We had a great time

At our
breakthrough weekend,

And here are some slides.

[ Chrysalis ]
when we arrived at camp,
we didn't see eye to eye.

Our trust guide
was named dave.

[ Norma jean ]
he was cool !

Oh, yeah, we had to build
a lean-To, blindfolded.

You have to trust
your peers
and your ears,

And throw away
your fears.

Ah, this one sucked,
but chrysalis
really made it fun.

[ Adolph ]
you almost fell, man !

[ Norma jean ]
'cause i was
laughing so hard.

Oh, we put on
a show at the "spirit
quest" bonfire.

Next stop, broadway.

[ All laughing ]

Oh, and chrysalis did
an impersonation of us.

You mean, you.
It was hilarious.

[ Chrysalis ]
it was a great weekend.

We really found
ourselves out there.

Yeah, and we found
each other.

And ourselves.

Uh, she already
said that ?

She said
that, ok.

[ Norma jean ]
uh, i don't know
who those guys are.

[ Adolph ]
they look kind
of lost, though.

Good evening.


and their companions
are missing today

After a hike
in the angeles
national forest.

There are no clues as
to their whereabouts,

But authorities say
that the 2 young
people, both 20,

And their 2 companions,
also 20,

Set out for a day-Long hike,
sometime yesterday morning.

We spoke to the fiance
of one of the young people.

I'm scared.

I mean...

You hear about this happening
to young people all the time,

But you never expect it
to happen to young people
that you know.

[ Audience laughs ]

Much less, their companions.

I'm sorry...

[ Bill ]
the parents of one of
the companions agree.

We're praying
for our boy.

He's a wonderful son.

And i'm sure,
a great companion.

We also pray for
the 2 young people.

And of course,
the other companion.

Rescue crews
have been searching
with very few leads.

Well, yesterday i saw
a lot of companions

Coming in and out
of the forest,

But not so many
young people.

They tend to use
the north entrance.

We're all baffled.

The 2 young people
and their companions,
all boys,

Grew up together,
attending the same
elementary school,

And sharing the
same interests.

Tonight, the entire
community has responded.

I think it's very sad.

I mean, i have
of my own.

I don't know
what i would do
if i lost even one.

[ Reporter ]
and what about
the companions ?

Well, i think that's sad, too.

But if you ask me,

I think they're the
ones responsible for
this whole thing.

Well, i have known
several companions
in all my years,

And i believe the problem
not to be with them,

But rather, with
the young people
of today.

[ Reporter ]
what are these
ribbons for ?

These yellow ribbons
are for the young people,

To show we care.

And these orange ribbons
are for the companions.

Ok, we--We're
getting word now

That 2 hikers
have been found.

We don't know
yet if they were
the 2 young people,

The 2 companions,
or one young person
and one companion.

At the scene is
dane atkinson. Dane ?

Yes, bill, we have
official confirmation

That they have found
one of each.

[ Bill ]
one young person
and one companion ?

That's right.

They seem to have been
separated from the other

Matching "young person,
companion" set,

Sometime last night.

So then, somewhere out
there is a young person
and a companion,

Wandering around together ?

Or separately.

It could be just
one young person alone

And one companion,
also alone.

I see, thank
you, dane.

Ok, that's the news.

We leave you now
with some very funny,

Very censored bloopers
from tonight's telecast.

Enjoy !

[ Music playing ]

Yes, a young person
and his compinions...

[ Stuttering ]

Uh, let me
take that again.

Yes, a young people...

What is "a young people" ?

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

[ Clearing throat ]

Stop it !

We're praying
for our boy.

He's a wonderful sign.

Son. Sorry.

Our sign's not lost.
Our son is lost.

Can i try
that again ?

This is the first
feathered yoshi cat

To be found in captivity.

He was found in france,

Where they're
naturally from.

He is-- These are feathers.

Look at this.

Huh ? Oh, well,
this--This is natural.

This is totally natural
with these guys.

Now he's nice.
Isn't he a nice fella ?

Look at him, look at
him. He wants to get
away, doesn't he ?

Well, you can't get
away, can you ?

Look, the only young people
i'm concerned with

Are the ones that wear
"wee-Time" toddler wear.

Capisce ? Thank you.

Ok. Sorry
i'm late. Hi !

I didn't get a wink.
I was up all night,

Focusing and thinking
about the future
of kidswear, ok ?

I'll tell you what,
take your shoes off,
'cause if you don't,

Your socks are gonna get blown
right through them, ok ?

Well, you guys are the best.
Show me what you've got.

All right, buckle
the f*ck up,
here we go. Ok...

I'm at home, last night,

Focusing,
envisioning kidswear,

And this vision
comes to me of black.

I mean, utter blackness.

Oh, my god, i had
the same dream.

Like a gathering darkness.

Synchronicity.
Guys, ashen tones.

Yes ! Did you get the
stench, too, the stench
of burning flesh ?

Yes, the f*cking
future of kidswear.

Ok, all right.

I am envisioning a playground
of the future, and i am seeing

Uh, blacks, ashes,
ashen, uh,

Bloodish reds,
orange snakes.

Wow, yes. Yeah, i'm
getting the same vision.
Are you getting it ?

A bejeweled madman
rising in the east,

Sort of a half human, half...

[ Both ]
creature !

Yes, yes !

Yes, i see teeth gnashing,

I see genitals bleeding
of their own accord.

The sea will boil.

Little navy outfits.
Classic nautical scene. Yes !

Yes.

[ Beastly grunting ]

[ Speaking latin ]

Oh, wow !

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, wow !

I just had a vision.

I saw an assemblage
of the righteous,

Drowning in a river
of pus and bile. Great !

Oh, let me show you

What i stayed awake
working all night on.

Pus and bile, new materials.
We can work with that.

Oh !

There it is, ohio.

It's about the future,
it's about fun.

Ok.

When you guys
get done screwing
around,

Give me a call.

f*cking buyers.

They have no vision. God !

It is i, nostradamus,

Seer of the future.

Hello, hello.

[ Whistles ]

It is i, nostradamus,
seer of the future.

Oh, my god,
you're the man
in my dreams.

Mine, too.

Mine 3.

Yes.

Alexis, stephan...

Toddy.

I have given you all
great visions of
things yet to come,

And you have
squandered them.

Oh, wise master,
why have we been
the ones chosen ?

Oh, is it because,
we, like you, attempt
to see the future ?

No !

It is because we 4

Are all cut from
the same cloth.

It is because we,

In this room,

All swing the same way.

It is because,
like you 3,

I, too, live...

An alternative
lifestyle.

Oh, no. No. No !

I know what you're thinking.
Hey, i've got a wife

And 3 f*cking kids, ok ?

[ Door closing ]

I can usually tell.

Did one of you
place this ad in
the personals ?

"Single, white, g*y male,

"Searching for companion
and possible life mate.

"Could you be my
future ? Look in your
crystal ball and see.

Please, no fatties."

Well, i didn't
place any ad.

It was--
It was me.

I'm just so tired
of going to bars

And meeting people
who don't turn out.

And i just--
The singles--

I think that
i have a prediction.

[ Inaudible ]

[ Music playing ]

[ Announcer ]
alexis young.

In the fashion world, he
is a singular sensation,

Defining the cutting edge,

Always ahead of his time.

Tonight, we'll meet alexis'
mysterious, 500-Year-Old,
ever present pal.

Together they're
a special pair.

Good morning, dear.

Why didn't you
wake me ?

You were dead asleep.

Napoleon.

Napoleon.
Where's the dog ?

He got out last night,
he'll be back.

Really ?

No !

Oh, poor doggie.

The beast visited me again.

He grows in power
as we speak.

Stop it, that's
for the omelets.

Oh, he who pouts
will get what he
wants, won't he ?

Run along now,
please. You're
getting in my kitchen.

We have a rule.

Ok.

Only the chef.

Ok.

The apocalypse is here.
It's on its way.

[ Alexis ]
extra cheese, if you
please. I'm on my knees.

She has no idea--
Welcome to the bunker.

This place
is a mad house.

This isn't
what i asked for.

This is why-- Tell her,
tell that seamstress
to put darts here, ok ?

Darts, i need darts.
And if she doesn't,

I'll f*cking go and
sh*t darts on her head.

Single woman leads
them, the masses.

From the valley of shadows--

Hello ! What is she
f*cking wearing ?

She's wearing a black...

Sleeveless, high hemline...

Bustier...

With no straps.
No straps.

Thank you.

[ Nostradamus ]
fire will freeze.

Oh, enough, enough !

[ Crashing ]

Fire will
freeze. What ?

Oh... oh, great !

Great. Good.

Good, nostradamus.

Look what you did,
now with your--

Are you all right ?

You have no use for me.

I have so much use for
you. You're wonderful
and i love you,

But, please, right
now, you're just...

It's like a steel spike
that you're heating up

And then driving
through my eye,

And then twisting
it around, ok ?

It's that kind of thing.

[ Alexis screaming ]

[ All cheering ]

Oh, my god !

We did it !
We did it !

You're rock 'n' roll
personified, ok,
in fashion,

And that's what
we do, and we...

We just did it. We
went out there and
we kicked a*s, ok ?

Whoo !

I could not have done it,
i couldn't have done it

Without each and
every one of you, ok ?

Ok.

We love you.

Let's go f*cking
party our asses off.

[ All ]
yeah ! Whoo !

No, i said to him,
i've got a prediction
for you.

I think, uh, your


Is gonna drive me crazy !

[ All laughing ]

[ Club music playing ]

Alie !

Uh...

No, no, no, no.
It's me, nostradamus.

These modern socks !

In my time, they
weren't so...

Well, your time--

Springy.

Hi, nostradamus.

Will you stop moping ?
What--What is it ?

Oh, i don't want
to lose you

In the great new york
earthquake of 2003.

Oh, freak, it's gonna
take more than a bad ol'
quake to get rid of me.

[ Sobbing ]

I love you, peaches !

You're my world.

Ok, ok.

[ Announcer ]
friends to the end,

The chums stuck together
through thick and thin,

Just like the best
possible bosom buddies,

Until they both perished
in the great new york
earthquake of 2003.

And in tribute to
their accomplishments,

"Nostradamus and his
constant chum high
school" was built.

Dedicated to teaching
children about
"can do" spirit

With an eye
towards the future.

[ Teacher ]
all right, students.
Settle down, students.

Please welcome your
principal, ms. Rudolph.

[ All clapping ]

[ Feedback sounding ]

Parents, students, faculty,

We have some special
friends joining us.

Now, they're a little
different from you and
me, but let's remember,

That doesn't make
them freaks.

It just means you have
to try a little harder

Not to let them make
you uncomfortable.

So without further ado,

Here's "indomitable spirit."

[ All clapping ]

Hey, kids.

Hey, how're you all
doing ? All right !

All right, we're
"indomitable spirit."



[ Drums rolling ]

[ All ]
* you can do anything,
just look at us *

* playing rock 'n' roll
and riding the small bus *

* being cool

* staying in school

* not doing drugs

* and giving out hugs

* my name is terry and
my arms are half there *

* but that doesn't stop me
from riding on the snare *

* hi, i'm jimbo
and i'm missing
my arms, too *

* so i play guitar
with my feet and
so can you *

* hey, there, i'm mickey,
the one with just a head *

* and i can play this
here flute and knock
you out of your head *

* i'm fran and i'm a woman

[ All laughing ]

[ All ]
* indomitable spirit

* accept no imitations

* take into account

* our

* limitation *

Whoa !

[ All cheering ]

[ All clapping ]

Yeah !

All right, kids.

So you see what we're
doing. We're giving you
a message of hope

That you can
do anything--

Hold on, hold on, everybody.

[ Audience laughing ]

Tommy !

I heard you guys
were in town, so
i came down here

To tell everybody
about the real
"indomitable spirit."

Hey, man,
don't be a jerk.

Hey, let him talk.

Yeah.

[ Audience laughing ]

Folks, i was an
original member of
"indomitable spirit,"

Back when we called
ourselves "flattop tony
and the purple canoes."

You remember that ?

I remember.

Yeah.

Well, everything was fine.
We toured, we inspired people.

And then, one day,
when i was out hunting
for poontang,

[ Audience laughing ]

I lost an arm and you guys
kicked me out of the band.

[ Audience ]
boo ! Boo ! Boo !

Wait, wait a minute,
wait a minute !

So, are you saying,
that you're really
my long lost brother ?

What ?
No, listen.

Why don't you tell
everybody the real reason

You were kicked
out of the band.

'Cause i did drugs ?

No !

[ Audience laughing ]

'Cause i wouldn't
give out hugs ?

So that was you !

Well, no, that's
not the reason.

You got kicked out
of the band because
you suck.

You're
a terrible drummer.

'Cause of my one arm.

Yeah.

Well, yes and
no. I mean,

You know, you're
a shitty drummer

And, but, you know,
having one arm to drum
with doesn't help.

[ Audience laughing ]

So, if i had both my
arms, i'd be ok ?

Yes.

Well, you'd be better,
maybe, but still
not good enough.

It just so happens
that you lost your arm

Right before we were
gonna kick you out
of the band anyway.

So, because i have
only one arm,
i am no good.

Right.

No, no,
not because.

Listen closely.

All right, you
have one arm, ok ?

And, also, in
addition to that,

You're a shitty drummer.

[ Audience laughing ]

'Cause i'm handicapped.

Yes.

Yes, you're handicap is that
you're a shitty drummer.

'Cause i've only
got one arm.

No !

Look, look, look, ok,
i think i can help
here. All right...

Thank you,
thank you.

What he's trying
to say to you

Is that you are
a terrible drummer,

Because you
only have one arm.

Exactly !

No, no ! That is not
it ! Go sit down.
Don't help anymore.

So, how do
i explain this ?

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Whistle blowing ]

Ok, everybody,
apocalypse drill.

You know the routine.

Stand up, single
file, here we go, move
it out, come on.

It's the apocalypse,
the real thing.
Let's go.

Come on !

Don't look back,
stand up straight.
Come on !

[ Both arguing ]

I can drum.

No, you can't drum.

It doesn't matter.
'Cause i only have one arm.

[ Both arguing ]

[ Audience cheering ]

You don't get it.

You can't drum.

It doesn't matter.

[ Ms. Rudolph ]
single file !

No chit-Chat. Keep
your mouths shut
and your eyes open.

Now, your genitals will
bleed of their own accord
and your teeth will gnash,

So be prepared for that.

All right, i see that
the fire storm
is approaching,

So everybody get
down on your knees,

And place your books
over your head,
like we practiced.

I don't want to find
anyone chewing gum.

So, if--If i grow an arm
back i could get in ?

No, if you had no arms,


If your arms were
made of drumsticks and
your head was a drum,

It wouldn't matter.
You still would
suck, understand ?

No, i don't.

Look at that,
clive.

The earth's
blowing up.

Stupid consumers.

Everybody blowing up together
like good little sheep.

It's tragic,
isn't it ?

Say, you got
another cigaroo ?

I can't really smoke it,
but it's comforting
to hold it.