03x09 - A White Man Set Them Free

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everybody!
It's bob and david!

Hey, hey, hey!

All right! Hey, welcome
to mr. Show, everybody,

We got a great one tonight. It's got a
lot of heart and you're going to love it.

Love it? You're
going to like it!

All right, david! Hey, you
know what time it is, right?

That's right, bob! It's
time for the mr. Show

Viewer hate mail.

That's right!
Viewer hate mail!

Now get the old
hate mail bag out...

See what we got
in there, david.

Knock me out,
lay it on me!

Some hate mail
in there, huh?

David, what did
we get? Come on!

We didn't get
anything, did we?

f*ck!

All right, you know
what this means.

It's time for the
mr. Show cr*cker barrel.

Hoo-Hoo!

Whoo!
Ahh!

h*!

Ha-Ha! Well, the
rainbow g*ng's here.

So bob, rumor has it

Naomi sue is gonna be taking
you to the big ole prom, there.

Enough of the
joshin', guys.

Let's talk serious-Like
for a minute.

Right.

Bob, did you know
that in the early 1800s

It was legal for white people
to enslave african-Americans?

But then, abraham lincoln,
a white man, set them free.

Yeah,

And david and i believe
that it's never too late

For us to say to our
african-American brothers and sisters,

you're welcome!

♪ hey, you're welcome

♪ hey, don't mention it

♪ use that freedom
in any way you like ♪

♪ 'cause you're
not sl*ves no more ♪

♪ don't have to
behave no more ♪

♪ but we sure hope you do

♪ you're welcome to

♪ yoobie doobie doobie
doobie dooo ♪

You're welcome.

Now, uh, david,

David, you had somethin'
stickin' in your craw.

Yeah, you know, bob, i was out
catchin' razzleberries with my granpapa

And...

You know, it struck
me kinda q*eer

How this country used to
be owned by the red man.

That's right. We
took it from him.

But he didn't give it up
without a long, bloody fight.

Mmm-Hmm.

Don't you think it's
time we colonists

Came down off our
high horse and said,

we forgive you.

♪ injuns, redskins

♪ vanishin' americans

♪ call yourselves
what you will ♪

♪ we forgive you

♪ and we'll give you

♪ our smiles for
miles and miles ♪

♪ blame it on firewater

♪ when you m*rder*d
our daughters ♪

♪ now we'll turn our heads

♪ and pretend
it never was true ♪

♪ we forgive you we
forgive you we forgive you ♪

And "how"!

Yes.

We certainly do.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Now, david, i was over at the
country store, down by the crick,

And, hey, aren't
midgets great?

I don't hate 'em.

Sure, they're-

♪ better than people

♪ because you're so slight

♪ we're not so great

♪ 'cause we're of
normal height ♪

♪ we wish we were like you

♪ so crazily small

♪ instead of what we are

♪ so wonderfully tall

♪ wonderfully tall ♪

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you all. All right.

Hey, man, that
oughtta do it.

David, we're gonna get
so much hate mail!

Really?
You think so?

Oh yeah! Those songs
will insult everyone!

We're gonna be
swimmin' in hate, man!

Hey, we got one!

"Dear mr. Show,
i really love you guys.

"Oh boy, you're
really funny

"And i especially
love your songs. "

I can't believe this!

"it reflects such an
enlightened attitude.

"please keep up
the good work.

"Signed, your hugest fan,

"Sharwood lish.

"X-O-X-O-X-O.

Smiley face!"

There, that ought
to show them.

What?

Mr. Lish, uh, some more boxes
of that cereal that you like.

I hate that cereal!

I wrote them an
angry letter and said,

"There's nothing i'd love more
than tons of your cereal. "

Tsk.

Oh, sharwood,

I got your letter!

I can't live
without you either!

You're right, we are
perfect for each other!

And i hope you never die

In a horrible
car wreck, either.

Learn how to read!

ladies, has this happened
too often to you?

Then come to the
tri-State globo-Dome

For marriage-Con
and boat show '97!

Ladies, you can't lose!

Over 2 miles of boats

And you will be married,
or your money back!

Featuring
dr. Ayatollah khoella,

Author or the rules.

This woman
will find a mate,

This woman will be
dead by sundown,

If you follow the rules!

Syndicated radio
host, dr. Lana.

Men are stupid.
Ta-Da.

Women are stupider.

Ok? But we have
to get married.

I did it, now
it's your turn.

Get in line.

Get in line,
you dumb b*tch!

see rudd myers' new
water-Resistant starfish

And get wet in our
wild water tank!

Meet kalahari bushman marriage
arranger, dr. Nu!Ugtanni.

So, i should marry her?

So, i should
marry her.

So, come see the new
floatman 3000!

And meet
dr. Ayatollah khoella!

It's all happening this weekend
at the tri-State globo-Dome!

You have no excuse
for not being married

Or owning a boat.

The tri-State globo-Dome,
located on route 83,

In the middle of
the dome mile,

Over a mile of domes.

Between the epi-Dome,
the sphere-O-Sphere,

And patty's donuts, and
right behind the biosphere.

And remember, don't bother the
scientists at the biosphere.

Please, i urge you and your
family to leave us alone.

The scientists here
are very busy.

carl! Come join us.

Hey, everybody. I want
to propose a toast

To our first new year's
here in the biosphere.

cheers! Cheers!

And remember, everyone,
we're gonna meet at the top

Of the observarium in sector 3
tonight for a party at midnight!

That means leave your
work at your stations.

Carl, you leave your
soil here in the dirt.

Lyle, tonight we're the
animals, you study us.

Dr. Shaddock, do me
a favor and, uh,

Don't bring your
pants, i mean plants.

How 'bout the women
don't wear any pants?

Dr. Hublee, c-Can i talk
to you for a second?

Sure. What is it?

S- So how's it goin'?

S- So it's new year's.

Yeah.

So, i was wondering if you don't
already have other pants, i mean plans...

Remember from before?

Uh...

So, i was wondering
if you'd wanna, uh,

Report as my date
for new year's.

Oh, no. Thanks,
though, no.

Oh, you're not goin'?
That's too bad,

'Cause we're all gonna
be having fun partying-

No, i'm-I'm gonna
go with dr. Kaplan,

In soil samples. He's
that guy with that-

Yeah, i know.
I know who he is.

Well, him.

Ok.

Whatever.

Oh, hey, mr. Peeps.

Oh, she doesn't get me.

Really?

I wish i was like you,
you're so smooth.

Oh yeah! That's
a great idea!

I guess that why
you're the bird.

All right, dr. Shaddock,
please report to the laboratory.

Code red.

What? What is it?

You look awesome.

What did you want?

Uh...

I was just wondering
if, you know,

That, if you'd want to go up to the
canyon with me for new year's eve tonight.

No, i promised dr. Barlow i
would sleep with him tonight.

Well, what if you slept
with me after?

No.

This is not a toy.

Oh, mr. Peeps,
it didn't work.

Oh, hey, chippers.

What?

Yeah, well, that's easy for
you to say, you're a squirrel.

You're right, you're right,
that's-That's a great idea.

Yes. Ok.

Uh, dr.
- Dr. Ballance, please report to the laboratory.

Yes, doctor.

Laura, hi, um, i know
we've had our moments

Where we haven't exactly
gotten along-

Doctor, you make me
very uncomfortable.

Ok.

What is it, doctor? I have to get
ready for my new year's eve date.

With who? Carl's g*y,
there's no one left.

I'm getting together with
dr. Barlow tonight.

Oh really, well, i'm sorry,

I
- I've got bad news and i hate to break it to you, but, um,

You know, he's sleeping
with dr. Shaddock so-

I know.

I'm joining them later
for a threesome thing.

But what about me?

It's a threesome.

Oh, hey timothy.

It's no use.

What?

Carl? No, he's g*y.

I'm not g*y.

I'm not.

I'm just shy.

♪ oh, the birds
have other birds ♪

♪ and the bees
have other bees ♪

♪ but i don't have

♪ another one of me ♪

Heads up!

Oh!

Hello, lyle!

Wow, my fairy godmother!

No, i'm your
step-Fairy godmother.

Your real fairy
godmother is in a coma.

Oh!

But-But you've come to make
sweet, sweet love to me?

no.

I'm here to help you.
Your wish is granted.

You shan't be
alone tonight!

Watch your backs!

Whoa. Wh-Whoa!

This is so wrong,
yet so right!

in celebration of the
biosphere experiment,

Which has yielded
one new species,

We present our new flavor of benjamin,
gerard and associates ice cream,

Humanimal cr*cker crunch.

I'm howard benjamin.

And i'm frank gerard iii.

We started our ice cream
company with a simple theory:

There's money to be
made in ice cream.

Like this new flavor,
rock 'n' roll double chunk.

It's got chocolate in it, and we think
if people like rock 'n' roll music,

They'll like this, 'cause it
says "rock 'n' roll" on it.

It's available at all of our
office-Themed ice cream parlors.

Sit at a desk and
enjoy some ice cream.

But don't answer the phones.
The phones are real.

And in celebration of the
last living american indian,

We're offering this new flavor,
last indian doodlesnicker.

he sits stoically.

The sole descendent of a race
that once numbered in the millions.

He is chief
ben proudfeather,

Part lackawahanna, part
cherokoi, and all last indian.

Born in 1895,

He is now 103 years of age.

His eyesight is failing,
his body is weak.

His people once
collectively shared

Over 800 million acres
in north america.

After "the great
deal of 1789,"

The indians were freed of a
significant portion of land.

"The bargain of the
century," of 1846,

Gave way to "the less
is more" charter,

Which preceded "the doozy act" of 1902.

Now, 60 acres is
all that remains,

And they sit in the
frail hands of an old man.

Government agents have kept watch
over ben for the past several years,

Some would say,
like vultures.

no, well. We hear
that all the time.

We're not waiting
for a man to die.

We're here to
watch a man live.

Old man.

An old indian man.

ben has taken it upon himself
to write down his memories,

All that he can recall
of a rich and storied life.

This is, uh, from volume 1
of his memoirs, chapter 2.

"There was something
about snakes.

"The indians danced.

"I seem to recall
a man in a hat.

I think that movie
was called billy jack. "

chief proudfeather
lived a solitary life.

He now feels a sense
of moral obligation

In continuing his genealogy.

"Single, straight, last
native american indian

"Seeks any female for fun and
procreation as soon as possible.

"Enjoys food,
slow, short walks,

"Aging, wolves, peyote.

"Hate cowboys.

"Eyesight poor,
please send large picture.

No fatties. "

For years, ben oversaw the
reservation's lucrative casino,

And today,
oversees what's left.

Tourists stop by,
if it's on their way.

Chief ben proudfeather,

He'll be dead soon,
and that'll be that.

Because that's death.
It's the end.

Believe me, man, i know.
I've been there.

Vietnam, 1967.

I spent 2 months on my belly
in the in the quang tho valley

Eatin' dirt and
shittin' freedom!

Huh, man, that indian
ain't got nothin' on me!

I f*ck' saw god, jack! And
i laughed in his f*ck' face!

Ok, man. 3 more
clicks to go,

We hit the river,
we're home free.

All right. Be careful, looks
like sn*per country down there.

Yeah.
You ready?

Let's do it.

sh*t!

He got me, man.

I'm not gonna
leave you here, joe.

I know that!
I didn't think you were!

I mean, i'm not gonna
let you die here, man.

No sh*t! What do you
want, a f*ck' medal?

I'm just saying, you
can count on me, joe.

What are you getting at?

You are gonna
leave me, aren't you?

Shh, keep you voice
down. They'll hear us.

Ok, i don't wanna
get shot in the gut!

Ok, man, go on. Don't
forget to write to me,

Care of vietnamese grave!

I'm not leavin' you,
g*dd*mn it!

Yeah, right.
I'm not.

Let's just agree
to disagree.

Jesus.

Oh, f*ck it.

I'll do this
on my own.

God!

Ow!

Ow!
Shh!

Ow!

All right, all right.

I'm gonna stay here
with you, so get down.

Look, don't lead
me on, man.

I know this is about
those g*dd*mn peaches.

What peaches?

I'm sorry i hogged
the whole can!

Joe, i forgot about
those peaches, man.

It's just that you said you were
allergic to the syrup, or somethin',

I can't remember.

Listen, it's not important.

I'm gonna go out there
and scout around, ok?

Ok.

Hey, by "scout around",
you mean you're gonna

Leave and never
come back?

Or are you gonna
look around first,

And then leave
and never come back?

No, don't worry,
i'll be careful!

What do you mean,
you'll be careful?

I just mean, you know,
i'll be more careful than,

You know, you were.

Are you done?

Yeah. What?

I'm just tryin' to find the words
- Oh yeah, f*ck you!

f*ck me? f*ck you!

You know, you're a g*dd*mn
baby. You know, goodbye!

And stay right here,
i'll be right back!

Ow!

Ow!

Ha, ha, ha!

You are a dying as*h*le!

There's no way i'm gonna
stay here and die next to you.

Neither am i.

that is a clip from
hell in a handbasket,

Uh, opening on, uh,

December 15th, all across
this great country.

Is, uh, is that
correct, mr. Stewart?

Uh, yes. Uh, i felt it was time
again for a vietnam message.

And, uh...

Well, i've always wanted to work with todd
sperles ever since i saw him in tap daddy,

Uh, on broadway.

tonight, on night talk
with the senate subcommittee,

It's actor-Writer,
john stewart,

A surprise visit from
hot college comic,

Blueberry head!

Now, uh,
mr. Blueberry head, uh,

I'm, uh, led to believe
that you have a, uh, prop,

That you wanna show us?

yeah!

This is for when y'all
wanna pass gas!

Uh-Huh. Thank you.

And senator howell tankerbell

Gives it to the band.

Michael. Michael, are
you havin' a good day?

Oh boy, here it comes.
Uh, yes sir, senator.

Well, michael, it
occurs to me that, uh,

Your jacket leads me
to believe that, uh,

Somewhere in this
great country of ours,

There's an el camino with
it's seat cover missing.

And another visit from
the senate sub-Babies.

That's the high jinks
on night talk!

we now return to
the tri-State globo-Dome

For an all-Star salute
to the last indian.

Once again, here's your host,

From T.V.'s
entertainment junction,

Liza phleen and phil jenglin.

Liza, what a night
we've had so far!

Simply everyone
is stopping in

To say goodbye
to the last indian.

Blueberry head was just
out here, left a mess.

Don rickles, tanya tucker.

Gregory hines, the
rap group the f*ck ups.

The ozark mountain daredevils,
the chinese acrobats.

It has just been
one wonderful night

For the one
wonderful indian.

Yeah. How you doin' there,
chief? You holdin' up?

I think he's tryin'
to figure out

Some of those props
blueberry head had out here.

College favorite!

Before we get to the university
of kentucky wildcat cheerleaders,

Last indian, you're gonna
love this next act,

They're from
the united states.

les balloons sportifs!

what a wonderful
night this has been

For me and my people.

Blueberry head's props
were as funny as

Bear cubs
slipping in stream.

Don rickles' barbs stung like
thorns of blackberry bush,

But its fruit was
sweet upon my lips.

Burt reynolds
still looks good.

Happy birthday
to erik estrada.

Lookin' good, ponch.

My early oscar pick this year,

Hell in a handbasket.

Kudos to chef jeremy
at la strada,

For his amazing desserts.

Was that john travolta with
nina ricci at the staccato club?

Me think so.

Ciao for now, darlings!