04x01 - Life is Precious and God and the Bible

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everybody,
it's bob and david.

Hey, hi, everyone, hi.

Hi, indeed.

No, seriously,
hello.

It's great to be
here tonight.

Yeah, you know
it is, though.

Honestly,
you're here,
i'm here,

All these people
are here.

You know
that's very cool.

It's very cool.

David,
you're high.

No, no.

I smell
marijuana on you.

Check that.

How about
medical marijuana ?

You're not sick.

It's for work
related stress.

"For stress related to
working with bob odenkirk..."

Hey, you think
it'll work for me ?

'Cause i have to work
with me all the time.

Sure, just take...
sh*t, i'm out.

Come on.

There you are,
my dear. Thank you.

Hi, mr. Fowler.

Well hello
there, david.

Need a refill ?
Oh yeah, thanks.

This will take
a few minutes to fill.

You fellows want
to hang out ?

Yeah, sure.
Come on, then.

You've gotta hear this
new song i wrote.

I did it all on my


You're
a musician ?

Well, i wrote some stuff,
and kenny loggins heard it.

So, you know.

There we go.

[ Folk music plays ]

Man, what is
going on ?

You got to do
this, bob.

They want you to
hang out with them.

I've had to listen
to that bullshit song
four times already.

Yeah, what are
you gonna do ?

I'm not even
his friend.

I just need marijuana
for my glaucoma.

Yeah, i know
what you mean.

My doctor says i need
marijuana to get high.

Here you go
mrs. Montpelier,

This is for
your glaucoma.

And here's some
creeper-Weed
fudge brownies.

They'll f*ck
your a*s up.

Man, that
isn't right.

Don't you take an
oath or something ?

Police !

Alright, you really crossed
the line this time, doc.

Bummer !

Thanks a lot,
citizen.

You're wearing
a wire !

Sure, david,
it's cold out.

And wires are like
electric underwear.

Speaking of
the electric underwear,

I got two tickets to
their show tonight.

Me, me, me,
me, me...

My wire will help me
make a bootleg

Of a hot
rock and roll show.

... and you can wear
a wire to record

Your favorite
tv programs !

Students can use it
as a memory helper

To record
boring lectures.

You, out !

Well, our first day
and our first casualty.

Welcome
to law school.

I am the dreaded
professor peens.

You are no doubt familiar
with my reputation

As a controlling,
sour-Tongued,

Bitter crank.

Rest assured it
is entirely true.

You come in here with
your minds full of mush,

But you leave
with razor sharp,

Double-Edged, legal,
dual-Mind blades.

Look to your right,
look to your left.

One of the people
you just looked at

Will not be attending
graduation ceremonies,

Unless, of course,
they come as a friend.

Now then...

Thank you,
lloyd.

Oh, my, it seems
as though mrs. Peens'

Scarlet rubella is
acting up again.

Who's the student who's
been assigned to assist me ?

Gerald hennesy.

Yes, sir,
right here sir.

Very well, mr. Hennesy will
take over while i'm gone.

Please,
mr. Hennesy,
carry on.

Carry on, yes,
i'll carry on.

Welcome
to law school.

Law school.

Law school will be
very hard...

For you.

This is not
a playground

So leave your
lunchboxes at home.

As well
as your games.

And jokes.

And ba*ls
and riddles.

You come in here with
heads filled with soup !

When you're done
with law school,

Your brain will be
like a steel trap

With the bloody
foot of law inside it.

Crying out
for its mommy !

Look around you,
look around you,

Look around you,
come on, do it.

Look up, look up,
look to your right.

Look to me,
look to your right again.

A little bit more,
a little bit more.

Right here,
a little bit more. There.

Now you know what it's like
to look to the right.

By the time this
class is over,

Two of you

Will be m*rder*d.

One of you

Will commit suicide.

One of you
will get injured...

In the leg.

Two of you will
quit law school
because it's so hard,

And you'll go off to run
an apple butter farm.

That's not
gonna work out...

Ahem !

What is it
young man ?

Young man ?

You shouldn't
be doing this.

It's a bit much.

Didn't you guys hear
professor peens tell
me to carry on ?

'Cause if you didn't
then i recommend

That an armada of q-Tips
be dispatched to your
ear area forthwith !

Come on guys,
no, no, no.

Come on, let me
do this. Come on,
it's my one chance.

You !
Who are you ?

I'm gerald hennesy,
the student assistant.

He beat me up and
stole my clothes.

So ?

There's no
law against it.

You b*stard !

No, jerry, no !

Damian, i'm doing
this for you.

[ Screaming ]

[ Wincing ]

What's wrong
with you ?

I injured
my leg.

[ Sinister music playing ]

What have you
done to us ?

He's told the truth.

That's all.

[ Music continues ]

♪ promises
of what's to be ♪

♪ of grand delights
in store, you'll see ♪

♪ it starts with a simple
country wish ♪

♪ apple butter
from hennesy ♪

[ Announcer ]
hennesy brother's
apple butter.

The only apple butter
still sold in

Old fashioned,
breakable glass jars.

[ Narrator ]
lately, you've seen
them everywhere.

In parks,

In stores,

In kitchens

And bedrooms
around the world.

At last spring
has sprung.

Hitlers seem to be
popping up everywhere.

But where are
they all coming from ?

Cloning.

The united
biotechnical institute

Is at the forefront of
hitler-Cloning technology.

Financing from the committee
for holocaust reparations

Has produced clones
of adolf hitler

By the hundreds
of thousands.

Upon hatching,

Each hitler begins
a life of servitude

To the relative of
a holocaust victim.

[ Reciting hebrew prayer ]

And quicker than
you can say l'chaim,

Hitlers have been
become a integral part
of jewish life.

[ Girl ]
bobby is so cute !
I think he likes me.

[ Girl #2 ]
yeah, right.
In your dreams.

Come on, girls,
bedtime.

Mom, no !

Yes, and put your
hitlers away,

They were up all
night last night.

Goodnight
hitlers.

But what is life like
for the hitlers ?

[ Cloned hitler ]
it's impossible
to get a date.

Once they find out
you're hitler forget it,
it's over.

The young ones are
always grumbling about

How we never asked
to be grown in a lab.

Let me tell you
something--

We have a saying
around here, alright ?

"Get used
to it, hitler."

It's easy for him
to say. His died.

All right,
that may be...

In the rare instance
when their master
dies before them,

The hitler is allowed
to pursue the life
of a free man.

[ Cloned hitler ]
i keep busy, you know,
i have hobbies.

I clip coupons, too.

I watch my stories,
which i love.

And wednesdays, i play
in a canasta league...

Lazy man's
wallpaper.

I'm hitler,
i can't not be hitler.

So i want to be the best
hitler i can be !

[ Todd ]
eight days
have passed

Since the hurricane
sank our cruise ship

In the waters
off the florida keys.

We are the only
survivors.

Derlin whittier,

His high school girlfriend,
shawna munsen,

Tammy munsen,
shawna's mother

And derlin's secret lover,
who is having his baby,

And one member of
my studio audience,

And me,
todd linder flowman.

Since that day
i've wondered

If we ever should've taken
my talk show out to sea

For a week of shows
about relationships.

We are out of food
and fresh water,

And cannot last long.

[ Sighing ]

All right.
Whose shift is it ?

Derlin,
i think it's yours.

Here, take
the flare,

I'm gonna try to
grab some shut-Eye.

So cold
and hungry.

We're all hungry.

Don't you be putting
words in my mouth.

I'll put words
wherever i want.

Ladies, please,
save your energy.

Don't go there,
please.

Why you always
gotta--

Don't be yelling
in my ear !

Don't you yell at him !
I got his baby in here.

How you know
it's his baby ?

Because he f*cked me-- !

Derlin, hey !
Do something.

Shawn, baby,

I love you, okay ?

But i'm also
in love with your
mama, which is--

See ? He loves me.

You b*tch !

Stop it, stop it !

Todd, todd, todd.
Can i say something ?

Of course
you can, sure.

Yeah, i just
want to say she,

The one in the t-Shirt,
shawna.

Yeah, she need to
respect her mama.

And then, the one
that's her mother.

Tamara.
Yeah.

You need to
respect the baby,

'Cause life is precious.
And god and the bible.

And, derlin,

Man, you should be
looking for lights

And not starting fights.
And all y'all, including me

Ought to be figuring out
how we're gonna live
without fresh water.

Okay, okay.

Sit down,
sit down.

Thank you.

Those are some
good thoughts.

We should all remember
how precious life is.

Derlin, you look like you
have something to say.

Shawna,

Sweet pea,
i love you, okay ?

But i have something
i have to tell you, okay ?

Tammy,

You are
having my baby,

And i'm prideful
and honorable of that.

Tammy,

Would you be
my wife and marry me ?

Oh !
Oh, derlin !

That's a lady of the manner
engagement broach,

And a box of cherry-Covered
chocolates.

That's right, b*tch.

You dog-a*s
m*therf*cking dog !

Damn, damn !

Where did you get
those chocolates ?

Food !

How could you
hide that from us ?

How could
you hide that ?

That's what i got to
deal with all the time.

Fabian !

I f*cking
loved you.

I f*cking loved you.
I f*cking loved you !

Who he ?

This is fabian.

He was derlin's
super secret lover,

And he was
a surprise guest
on our show.

Fabian, where
have you been ?

I was
on an island.

Now give me them chocolates,
they're rightfully mine !

g*dd*mn it !
What island ?
You tell me !

This could
save us all !

I ain't saving no
three-Timing h*
of the universe !

Get your head together !
Get your head together.

Tell me about
this island.

Okay, i was
eating a coconut.

There's food there.

And i saw him
float by

With them two nasty-a*s
White Tr*sh stank b*tches.

[ Hooting ]

You shut up !
Stand up.

Tell me where this island is
or you're a dead man !

Derlin should have
thought about that

Before he went for
playing me like a fool.

Goddamnit !

[ Screaming ]

You stupid, petty
prince-Looking,

No island-Remembering
m*therf*cker !

[ Gasping ]

My pin.

Don't--

Jesus christ !

What you looking at ?
Turn it around.

Well, there it is.

I guess if
you think about it,

We all live
on a lifeboat.

It's important
to prioritize.

What seems important
in a trailer park

Might seem frivolous when
facing certain death at sea.

Who you
talking at ?

We all have to learn
to listen to each other,

Remember the location
of islands

With food
and fresh water...

And try to forgive
ourselves

For squandering
the precious gift of life.

I'm todd linder flowman.

That's probably
my final thought.

[ Thinking ]
yep, probably gonna die.

I knew, man.

I knew i'd never
make it to 30,

Because i'm a wild man.

Because i party.

Heaven better
look out for me.

Hell yeah, st. Peter-Looking
m*therf*cker, let me in !

Yeah, before i die

I'm gonna
f*ck me a fish.

That's probably
my final thought.

[ Thinking ]
well this is it.

If you gotta go,
go out with a bang.

I'm getting
on the news tonight.

That's probably
my final thought.

[ Director ]
we're back in
five, four, three, two...

Hello again,
i'm craig mcque

With channel eight news.

Here now with more
on local scams and flams
is yale hadderity.

You said it, craig.
Here i am with more,

And boy, oh, boy
is it ever.

♪ scams and flams,
scams and flams ♪

♪ scams and flams

♪ oh, my scammy
flammy mammy ♪

How can
today's consumers

Tell whether a business
is legit or a scam ?

Whether they're dealing
with a trusted vendor

Or a con artist running
some fly-By-Night rookery.

Well, sometimes
they just can't.

As i learned
chasing a tip

About a new store at
the dayton's town mall.

I'm standing in front of
barnaby hutchman's

Wishing well and such.

Mr. Hutchman provides an
indoor wishing well service

Where a person can,
for a fee, make a wish.

Is this
a legitimate service

Or is it possibly
a rip-Off ?

That's what
we intend to find out.

There it is.

Keep it coming.

The more you put in
the stronger your--

Mr. Hutchman,
who are you ?

Yale hadderity, channel 8
"scams and flams".

Sir, will my wish
come true ?

You know what ?
If it doesn't

You come back tomorrow
and wish some more.

Keep it coming.
That's fine, thank you.
You have to go now.

Mr. Hutchman, is this
wishing well store a scam ?

No it is not, i'm trying
to run a business here.

So it's not
a scam ?

No, turn the camera off,
let's go !

Well thank you very much for
answering our questions today.

We'll recommend
your store on the news.

What ? What did you say ?

I said since
it's not a scam

We'll recommend
your store on the news.

You will ?

Well, yeah,
why wouldn't we ?

Do you have any
other questions ?

Okay.

[ Yale ]
barnaby, or barn,
as i call him,

Explained in detail
how the wishing well
service worked.

Money is taken,
and a wish is made,

Which, if you put
enough money in

Or have a pure heart,
will come true guaranteed.

Barnaby also spends
the shop's funds

Supporting other
local businesses.

Including
ice cream purveyors.

Thank you.

"Wishing well and such",

A local store that may
seem like a scam but--

Excuse me, sir,
i'm from national news
news service.

Do you claim to investigate
local merchants ?

What ?

Do you claim to do
investigations about
local merchants,

Yes or no ?

I don't have
to talk to you.

Hold on a minute.
There's somebody
i want you to meet.

Barn ?

My name
isn't barnaby.

This is chuck timmons,
he's an actor.

The wishing well shop was
a front we've been operating

To find out how in-Depth your
in-Depth reporting really is.

But, it's a scam ?

Yes.

Barn ?

It's a scam that was
perpetrated on you,

To investigate weak,
shallow, spineless,
fraudulent reporting

Masquerading as
investigative journalism.

It is absolutely
shameful, sir

It is exploitative.

Okay, enough.

But he's the--

I know.
But come on.

Look at him.

[ Sniffling ]

It's a scam ?

No, it's not true,
okay ? It's not true.

We're just
fooling around here.

See ? We're not
investigating anyone.

This is the fraud.

Really ?
Yeah.

Right ?

Yeah, right.

I'm an actor.

He's the actor.

And this is
my real hair.

You guys !

You guys,
you really had me going.

Oh, my god.

[ Yale ]
so you have
to be very careful.

What seems like a scam
may not be a scam,

But somebody may try
to turn it into a scam.

But that in itself
may be the scam.

So things can get
pretty tricky

Out there for
consumers, craig.

And for
investigative reporters.

Oh !

All right, now let's
turn to the weather
with our own turk finery.

Turk.

We've had quite a week

And we'll learn all about
the highs and lows

In our five day
forecast.

♪ here comes
the weather report ♪

♪ when's it gonna rain,
when's it gonna snow ♪

♪ here's the guy
to tell you about
the highs and the lows ♪

That's me !

All right, let's see what
we have headed our way.

♪ hey everybody,
listen to my story ♪

♪ it ain't no metaphor,
and it ain't no allegory ♪

♪ rain and snow
is everywhere ♪

♪ you got to watch out
and you got to take care ♪

♪ you got to believe me,
please don't deceive me ♪

♪ i'm talking about
the weather report ♪

♪ oh, yeah

♪ i'm talking about
the weather report ♪

♪ because it's
highs and lows ♪

♪ and rains and sleet
and snows ♪

♪ they're everywhere

♪ from here
to herald square ♪

♪ you know that
i'm talking about ♪

♪ can't you hear me
talking about ♪

♪ talking about
the weather report ♪

♪ that's no lie

♪ talking about
the weather report ♪

♪ please don't cry

♪ i'm talking...

♪ oh, yeah

♪ about the weather...

♪ report ♪