04x04 - Rudy Will Await Your Foundation

[bunniefuu]

Drive on the left
and ride on the lift

It's bob and david.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.

Thank you,
thanks for coming out.

Oh, wow.

Hello, everyone.

Well you have joined us
on a very special occasion.

It is our
blooper night.

That's right,

With the help of
the blooper-Tron 3,000,

We'll take a look at some
moments from mr. Show

That didn't go quite the way
we wanted them to.

Let's look at our
first clip from a show

Where bob got
a little too upset.

[ Applause ]

Oh, man.

Okay.

Did you see
your face ?

Okay, okay.

Now in the next clip,
a certain david cross--

Wait, wait, wait.

Let's watch that again.

Backwards,
backwards !

Alright, c'mon,
cut it out !

That is enough !

You always have to push
everything, you know ?

You want to
see a blooper, huh ?

Yeah, we got dressed up
and everything.

Alright, alright,
smart mouth.

Sherry,
roll that thing.

You know.

♪ 'cause i'm
a superstar... ♪

♪ in a superstar
machine ♪

♪ taking it
to the stars ♪

♪ oh, emotion lotion

How did
you get that ?

♪ emotion lotion

What the ?

Alright, alright. Okay.

Sherry, why don't you
roll that blooper

I was showing around
the office earlier.

Hey, man...
you wanna party ?

[ Applause ]

Hey, bob, bob.

Hey man,
umm...

So, do you still
like to party ?

Okay ! I was just
out of college,

I didn't know what
i wanted to do with my life.

You think
that's embarrassing ?

Roll that other,
c'mon, roll it !

♪ make it alright

♪ emotion lotion

That's the same thing,
you already showed that.

I got hours
of that, man.

Alright.

Okay, okay,
you know what ?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was not
gonna do this.

I was not
gonna do this.

Sherry, roll
that other blooper.

Look.

I'm sorry,
mr. And mrs. Odenkirk,

It's simply too late
to have an ab*rtion.

Your son
is four-Years-Old.

Mommy,
what's a gagortion ?

[ Laughing ]

Ultimate blooper !

You got me !

Okay, we tallied
your votes,

And the top
blooper of the night

Is either
"upsy-Daisy",

"What's a gagortion",
or "secret superstar".

David...

And the winner is...

[ Drum roll ]

"Secret superstar" !

♪ taking it
to the stars ♪

♪ emotion lotion

♪ yeah

♪ i'm a superstar

♪ in a superstar
machine ♪

♪ taking it
to the stars ♪

♪ emotion lotion

I didn't know
anyone was...

Have you been
there the whole time ?

Let me tell you
something, kid.

You got the goods.

Really ?

♪ i'm a superstar
in a superstar machine ♪

♪ taking it
to the stars ♪

♪ emotion lotion

♪ superstar

♪ i'm a superstar
machine ♪

♪ taking it
to the stars ♪

♪ emotion lotion...

[ Car horn playing
emotion lotion song ]

♪ i'm a sushi bar
in a sushi bar machine ♪

♪ taking all
i can eat ♪

♪ just for the halibut

♪ sushi bar
in a sushi bar machine ♪

♪ in a superstar machine

Hey mike, it's glen,
i'm back.

Yeah.

So listen, it's like
i'm saying, alright ?

The guy who played the dad
on "lassie" invented l.S.D.

Dude, f*cking
no way, man.

I'll bet you
anything.

I'll bet you two hours
worth of phone sex.

Two hours
worth of phone sex ?

Okay, you're on.

Okay,
i'm on the web.

I'm at
the lassie site.

Here's his bio.

Oh, sh*t !
You're right !

I told you, man,
alright.

Two hours
worth of phone sex.

Yeah, whatever.

Cool,
i'm calling now.

Hey, that's a little more
information than i needed.

Hey, buddy.
I got that--

[ Phone ]

Yeah,
glen peterson.

I want to talk to the hottest,
horniest sl*t you got.

Hey, mike ?
Call me "thor".

Mike, what are
you doing, man ?

Well, you know,
phone sex.

Yeah, i'm not
gonna do it.

Call one of those numbers
and send me the bill.

Glen, glen,
i don't want your money.

Well then,
forget about it.

Dude ! You lost
the bet !

Now i'm calling back,

So disguise your voice,
you dumb d*ck.

[ Phone ]

Horny sl*t hotline,

This is
peppermint speaking.

Hello, peterson,
is that you ?

Oh, mrs. Cooper,
i'm sorry,

I was just having
a josh there.

Well, i hope so.

Get the evans file on my desk
before you go home tonight.

Yes, ma'am.

[ Phone ]

Glen peterson.

Hey, it's thor.

Hey mike, what
the f*ck, man ?

You were gonna call
right back, you
almost got me fired !

I wanted to give you time
to get into character.

Listen, mike--
Call me "thor".

Let me see if one of
our operators is free.

Hey...

This is
peppermint.

Yeah ?
Hey, well,

I got my pants down,
peppermint,

What do you think
of thor's hammer ?

Terrific.

Yeah ? What do you
want to do to it ?

Oh, i want to do all sorts of
naughty things with it.

It's just
so big, though.

It's kind of scary.

I just love working
this big monster of yours.

Okay, okay.

Okay, glen.

You through
already ?

f*ck yeah, man,
you should see all this.

An hour and 57 minutes
more you owe me.

I want that file.
Yes, ma'am.

[ Phone ]

Hey.

[ Male ]
hello, this is thor.

Jesus, thor, don't
you take a break ?

Hold on.

Hey, this is
peppermint.

Did you miss me ?

Hey, peppermint,
yeah.

Do you feel like being
bad with peppermint ?

So bad, so bad.

Hold on,
i got another call.

Stay on the line.

Hey, glen peterson.

Hey man,
it's me, mike.

I just wanted to say,
man, you were amazing.

Mike, i got you holding
on the other line.

That ain't me.

sh*t ! Hold on.

Alright, whoever
this is, f*ck off.

Hey man, c'mon, you already
got me so worked up.

You're good.

Really ?

Yeah, really.

I mean, you say
all the right things.

Listen, could i talk
to peppermint again ?

Well, yeah.

Hey, this is
peppermint.

I hear my favorite customer
has an attack of the hornies.

Peppermint's here
to make it all better.

Peterson !

That is it, pervert,
get your sh*t and get out !

You're just jealous

'Cause i'm more of a woman
than you'll ever be.

[ Female ]
hey guys,

If you're in the mood
for some steamy sex chat,

There's only one
glen peterson.

When i first heard

That glen was a dude
and not a chick,

I wanted to call a chick.

But glen's
a dude's dude

Who really knows
what dudes want to hear

When they're imagining
talking to a chick.

How's that ?
I don't know.

You gotta make me think
that this guy thinks

That this glen guy
is the hottest chick
in the world.

So maybe
an english accent ?

Yes.

[ Male ]
next.

Good luck.

Denny woodkin ?

Yeah,
right here.

Great, hi.

This way.
This is norm,
the producer.

Hi.

I'm denny woodkin.

And the monologue that
i'll be performing now

Is from the play entitled
the audition,

By gavin hollerwood.

Well,
how apropos.

You can
start any time.

Okay.

Can i use
this chair ?

Sure.

No, i started it.

That's part
of the monologue.

I thought you were
asking us to--

No, i was doing it.

Can i use
this chair ?

Yeah.

No, no, no.

One to one.

I'm sorry.

Let me--

Yeah, start again.

Can i use
this chair ?

Seriously,
can i use it ?

Hello !

I need it...

For the audition.

Could somebody
answer me ?

Jesus, talk to me !

Yeah, it's fine.
No !

Okay, okay, okay.

We'll get it
this time.

Can i start again ?

Please do.
Can i use this chair ?

Yea--

Seriously,
can i use it ?

Hello.

I need it
for the audition.

Could somebody
answer me ?

Jesus,
talk to me !

I'm a human being up here,
for god's sakes.

Don't just look
at each other,
answer me. Can i use it ?!

Yes.
No !

That's in there ?

"Don't just look
at each other" ?

Exactly when
we did it ?

Yes. It's a good play.

I guess so.

I mean, it comes
from experience.

From a real place.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll start again.

Can i use
this chair ?

Seriously,
can i use it ?

Hello.

I need it
for the audition.

Could somebody
answer me ?

Jesus, talk to me.

I mean, i'm a human being
up here, for god's sakes.

Don't just look
at each other,
answer me ! Can i use it ?

God !

Oh, f*ck.

You know...

You guys sit there.

You in your
stupid designer tie,

And you in your
dumb-a*s glasses

And imported
bottle of water.

Sitting looking down at
the lowly actor on stage.

Getting off
on your power trip.

Well you know
what ? f*ck you.

I don't need to be in
your dumb-a*s sitcom,

It's f*cking Ret*rded,
it's not funny.

I read it,
it's never gonna work.

f*ck you guys,
f*ck you.

f*ck you.

Whoa.
That was weird.

What was it ?

End scene.

Great !
No !

God !

Let me start again.
Can i use this chair ?

Kid, kid, kid !
We've seen enough.

You got the goods.

Really ?

♪ kids and dads

♪ dads and kids

♪ you and me,
a family tree ♪

♪ who would have known

♪ yes, who
would've knew ♪

♪ that kid would grow up
to be you ♪

What the heck ?
Turn off that tv !

Turn off that--
Did you hear me, mister ?

Turn off the tv,

And go get up
and help with dinner.

Do it ! Go !

Alright, alright.

No !

[ Laughing ]

He got me.

[ Rhonda ]
turn it off,
dale, c'mon !

Okay, alright.

I'm sick and tired.

How many times have i
asked you to turn it off ?

I asked you like


Shut up
and turn it off.

[ Rhonda ]
we're like any family.

We fight but
we love each other.

We just have dreams
for our little one.

We travel around,
do the circuit, you know.

Some women, they try to force
their babies into this.

And i don't
think that's right.

Our baby
wants to do it.

Our baby loves
the glamour and attention.

[ Dale ]
yeah, our baby's already
won a scholarship

To miss lily's
finishing school.

[ Interviewer ]
what's that ?

That's a school
where they teach
you how to finish

Stuff.

[ Emcee ]
okay, let's welcome
our next contestant

In the pageant.

[ Applause ]

[ Dr. Yoburg ]
see, what i can do
with these fetuses

Is liter-Arily
a miracle, okay ?

I can surgically
apply make-Up,

False eyelashes,
whatever.

Liposuction baby fat.

These fetuses are happy,
they come out--

You got to see them.
They have such
high self-Esteem.

They can't wait to be born.

They are so happy !

There's all kinds of ways
you gotta spend money on.

I work a bunch
of different jobs,

So we can keep getting in all
the different embryo shows.

My regular


Is at the
pork rind factory.

That don't
pay so good.

No, but,
it's alright

Because they give you all
the irregular pork rinds,
all you can eat.

Yeah.

And the old baby,
the old baby loves them.

Look at her.
She loves them.

She eats them breakfast,
lunch and dinner.

Yeah.

Also i have

My toilet on wheels business.

That's right.

We just got
a second one of them.

Hey there,
honey.

I mortgaged off
the first one.

Ah, hell.

It's going good,
i think it's gonna go good.

It's gonna
go good.

Three hundred ? I thought
it was two hundred.

I know, sweet pea,

But the banners
cost us a little more
than we expected.

All we got
is two hundred.

That's it.

God, i am
so sorry.

But we drove
all the way here.

God, i know.

Dale ?

Sweetie, i--

Honey.

Alright.

I suppose i can
take a 4th job.

Hey there,
mr. Van-Ernie.

Hey, dale, she's been
acting up again.

Yeah.

[ Dale ]
i took a extra,
extra job.

Down at the circus,

Mr. Van-Ernie has me
kiss the elephants' asses.

I don't know
exactly what it is.

Whether it's the sound
or the feeling,

But the elephants
love it.

[ Elephant trumpeting ]

Am i a pioneer ?

I suppose so.

[ Interviewer ]
i didn't ask that.

Well...

It's a very
expensive procedure.

Thank you for coming
to the pageant.

Here to judge our
"golden days of
hollywood pageant",

We're proud to have
our celebrity judges,

From the tv show
daddy's little fatsy,

Miss samantha donner !

Morning radio personality,
crazy uncle gerny !

And from europe,

The royal
dutch of dukes.

Look how pretty
you are.

See how pretty
you are.

It's time for
the moment everybody
has been waiting for.

The winner

Of the "golden days
of hollywood pageant" is...

The crow fetus !

The crow fetus !

♪ there it goes

♪ the winner
of the show... ♪

♪ those lips, those cheeks,
those eyes ♪

♪ those lips, those cheeks,
those eyes ♪

♪ it's the winner
of the show ♪

♪ it's the winner

♪ of the show

This is a fine
dining restaurant.

This man claims to be
the royal dutch of dukes.

The real royal dutch of dukes
is a frequent guest here.

Please escort this false
royal dutch of dukes
away forthwith !

I'm gonna kick
your a*s, pierre.

This is so sweet.

Yeah. This is
classy, huh ?

This restaurant
is fantastic.

Yeah, they gave it
another star.
Six stars.

I mean it's the ultimate
dining experience.

For the ultimate
lady experience.

I trust everything
is to monsieur's satisfaction.

Oh yeah,
it's incredible.

Sweetie, will you excuse me
for just a moment ?

I'm just going
to wash my hands.

Nonsense, madam.

Le hand washer !

Wow, how fancy !

Wow.

Wow.

Does madam and monsieur
require anything else ?

No, we're good.

Very well. I shall
bring your entrees.

Entree, do it !

Oh, wow.

Oh, boy,
alright.

Wow.

Thank you.

C'est bon. C'est bon.

Excuse me for
just a second.

Sir, is there
a problem ?

No. Where are
the restrooms ?

No.

No, i mean
the men's room ?

Shh, sir, please.

We do not
have such a thing.

The burgundy loaf
prides itself

As the epitome
of class and distinction.

And we would not
soil our atmosphere

With a men's
toilet room.

It's too crude-Ete
to imagine.

Couldn't you
just hold it in ?

No, i can't.

Madam, monsieur,

Everything is
taken care of.

Voila, the chair.

Crafted from
brazilian mahogany.

Le box !

The box, hand-Crafted
with italian gold leaf.

Inside, a velvet lining

To cradle
monsieur's leavings

With the tender delicacy
of a devoted mother.

Monsieur may sit,

Enjoy his meal, and perform
his task at leisure.

You want me to sh*t in a box
while i'm eating dinner ?

When monsieur
is all vacant,

We will deliver
the box to his home,

First class, courtesy
of the burgundy loaf.

[ Clearing throat ]

Yes.

Shorts off.

Rudy !

Rudy will await
your foundation.

Enjoy your meal.

The sea bass
is excellent.

This cream sauce
is so light.

I can't wait
to meet your parents.

Yeah.

Sir, please relax.

Rudy will wait
as long as need be.

Yeah, you relax.

Let your a*s
do the talking.

Rudy !

So, umm...

Yeah, my parents
can't wait to meet you...

Too.

How's the duck ?

I bet it's good.

[ Farting ]

Hey, speaking of ducks,
i hear some quacking.

Rudy, please !

So, uh...

You better
be careful,

Or my mom's gonna bore you
with her garden stories.

Thanks for
the advance warning.

Hey there, general,
you deployed
any troops yet ?

Rudy !

Hey !

Now that's what
i'm talking about.

You folks have
a good evening.

Do you have
any toilet paper ?

Shh.

We do not have something
as crude as toilet paper.

Frenchy !

[ With c*ck accent ]
hello, guv'nor !

Well, no need
to fumigate this month.

You will love
frenchy's humor.

We all do.

I know.

How about
molly here ?

She's always nice and mild
for the bum of a gentleman.

Here we are.

Okay. All right.

Alright.
If you would, sir.

[ Whistling ]

You know,

Me and me brushes,
we've been everywhere.

From waterloo
to tian'anmen square.

Ain't that right,
molly ?

Up, up and away.

♪ it's me, frenchy

♪ flying over
the neighborhood ♪

♪ handing out
the boxes ♪

♪ because frenchy's
got the goods ♪

♪ if you
see me coming ♪

Give a wink
and a nod.

♪ here's a little
gift that ♪

♪ came out of
your bod ♪

♪ it's me, frenchy

♪ flying over
the neighborhood ♪

♪ handing out
the boxes ♪

♪ because frenchy's
got the goods ♪

Frenchy's
got the goods !

Goodnight, everybody.
Thanks for coming--

What is it ?

Oh, my god,
it's a week late.

I should've gotten
this thing a week ago !