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Marcello Mio (2024)

Comedy Movie Collection.
(Buddy/Dark/Black/Parody/Screwball/Slapstick/Sketch/Satire/Spoof/Mock/Comedians/etc.)

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Comedy Movie Collection.

Marcello Mio (2024)

Post by bunniefuu »

Marcello Mio

(eerie dramatic music playing)

Kompromat refers to documents

used to destroy

someone's reputation.

was invented by the

Russian secret services.

This film and its characters

are very loosely based

on real events.

with some clouds sure to

come in around 10:00 a.m.

And even though the high gust

warning will, um, expire

mid to late morning,

you'll still want to keep...

The search

for a group of missing hikers

is set to resume this morning

just outside Agua Dulce.

The tour group went out

two days ago

and on the Pacific Crest Trail

but didn't come back

as expected that night.

Crews started searching

yesterday morning...

And traffic is already backed up

due to an accident

on the southbound 101.

It is 7:44 with Bo and Ives.

Bang.

IRKUTSK, SIBERIA

Bang.

5 MONTHS EARLIER

Bang.

May I speak to Julia?

Whoa. Come on.

Thank you.

Down, down.

Down, down, down.

Bang! Yes, a good boy.

Hello, Julia.

It's Mathieu.

Up. Up, up.

Okay, up. Up, up.

Fine, and you?

Got to keep our heads up

out the clouds on this one.

Did you get my message?

Yes, I found your phone.

It's at the house.

I know.

Can you watch Rose this afternoon?

She's not feeling well.

She doesn't want to go to school.

Okay?

Now, we land this...

Yeah. Like Six g*ns.

Great.

I mean, we really put on a show,

Okay. That way

you can pick up your phone.

well, you know they're gonna

bring us back for the sequel.

Thanks a lot, Julia.

See you later.

Mm-hmm.

Well, we sure as hell ain't

got to sell no more horses.

So just execute.

And we ain't got

no more problems. Mm.

You good?

The Alliance Franaise

gives French classes,

You good?

Where your sister?

What's that about?

- She's supposed to be here.

- Yeah.

g*dd*mn it.

Thought I told you

to fix the damn walker.

You hear that?

Pops.

- Come on, come on. Pop.

- Firefly.

- What else? What else?

- Ghost.

Uh-huh.

Beethoven.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- Commodore.

- Yeah.

Virgil.

You good. You good.

You good. You good.

You good, man. You good.

- Ghost.

- You good. You good. You good.

- Pops?

- Lucky.

- Pops. Pops.

- Commodore.

Pops!

OJ.

Oh. Hi, horsie.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't

look him in the eyes, please.

Okay.

You ready to do

the safety meeting?

Uh, I'm gonna need like five...

Um, my team's almost here.

Your team's not here.

Okay. Hold.

Sorry, I got the horse guy

talking to me, too.

- What's up? Copy.

- Safety meeting at the...

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ms. Bonnie Clayton on set.

Here she is, everybody.

Take a look at all of that.

Fynn, this is OJ,

our horse trainer.

You remember these guys

from Flash Point.

Yeah. Hi.

Uh...

Your name is OJ?

Yeah, Otis Junior.

Oh.

Uh...

Where's the o... the other guy?

- The-the-the senior guy?

- Dude, he died.

About six months ago.

A bunch of random sh*t

fell out of a plane.

So I guess we're stuck

with Junior over here.

- No.

- Yeah.

Okay.

f*ck. Great.

Uh, Ant, how we looking?

Yeah, good, if we're selling

a horse's a*s.

That's, uh,

legendary cinematographer

Antlers Holst over here...

Let's go ahead

and spin the horse.

But you had said "hold," so...

And now I'm saying "spin."

Let's go. -

Great. And while that's

spinning, can we get makeup?

Get makeup for

Ms. Bonnie Clayton, please.

Hold on.

Can you step away

from the back, please?

They told me to come here.

Good call, OJ.

Um, tell you what,

let's do a quick safety meeting.

Guys, this is OJ,

our horse trainer.

Take it away.

k*ll the music, please.

My name is OJ. Uh...

I think my sister's

gonna be here in a minute.

Little louder, please.

We cannot hear you in the back.

I said we are animal wranglers

with Haywood Hollywood Horses.

And, uh... did you know

the very first, uh, assem...

Hey, yo!

Excuse me. Sorry.

I'm so sorry about that.

Let me do that.

Sorry, brother.

- Safety meeting.

- Yeah.

Hello! How y'all doing?

Sorry for the t*rd.

My name is Emerald, that's OJ,

and we are

your animal wranglers today

with Haywood Hollywood Horses.

Now, did you know

that the very first

assembly of photographs

in sequential order

to create a motion picture

was a two-second clip

of a Black man on a horse?

Yes, it was. Yes, it was.

Look it up.

Now, I know you guys know

Eadweard Muybridge,

the grandfather

of motion pictures

who took the pictures

that created that clip,

but does anybody know the name

of the Black jockey

that rode the horse?

No.

Nope? I mean,

the very first stuntman,

animal wrangler and movie star

all rolled into one,

and there is literally

no record of him.

That man was a Bahamian jockey

that went by the name

of Alistair E. Haywood.

And he is

my great-great-grandfather.

Great. -There's another

"great" grandfather.

That's why

back at the Haywood Ranch,

as the only Black-owned

horse trainers in Hollywood,

we like to say, "Since the

moment pictures could move",

we had skin in the game."

All right, let's get into

some, uh, safety precautions

while we're on set, shall we?

Number one, please refrain

from making any loud noises,

sudden movements,

and keep your cell phones off.

We'd really appreciate that.

Two, if you see anything

that looks or feels unsafe,

contact me, OJ or your second

in chain of command.

And three,

let's have a great sh**t!

Uh, and I'm Emerald Haywood.

I direct, write, produce, act.

I do a little...

Uh, motorcycles, baby.

Look, I-I make

a mean grilled cheese

if you're looking for crafty.

Just-just holler at me.

Okay, that was great.

That was... that was a lot.

Uh, let's do a rehearsal.

- Yeah? Rehearsal?

- Rehearsing, we should.

We should do one. Rehearsing.

I think...

I think he might need a break.

Yeah, we'll rehearse one first,

and then break, yeah?

Well, I'm ready to do one.

OJ, she's...

she's ready to do one.

Tell the horse

we're ready to do one.

VFX, can we get the ball

in here while we have a sec?

- Em.

- VFX. Uh, and, OJ,

you can... you can step off.

Step out. Step off.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Uh, step out.

Em?

What's the horse's name?

- Uh, Lucky.

- Lucky.

- Is he?

- VFX!

Yeah. Em?

- Uh, OJ, let's step off.

- You calling me?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- I'm trying to work.

What'd I tell you

about that, man?

Hey, man, if she can't

get near the back of the horse,

- what are we doing here?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! -

- Whoa!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Medic.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Are you okay?

- Whoa, whoa.

Look,

maybe it's just too soon, huh?

Yeah, it's not the gig.

Not ready yet.

Right?

- We need it, man.

- No, I know.

Your dad left an enormous hole.

I know that.

But don't worry,

there'll be others.

All right? I'm sorry.

- And...

- Sorry.

Just, you tell her sorry.

Thank you for the opportunity.

Come on, now.

Oh, where's VFX?

Oh, all right. You got it.

Sorry, that was...

So, where am I dropping you?

I'm-a go up with you.

I need to get some sh*t.

My little girl said, you know,

I could crash at her place,

so I'll be gone in the morning.

So I'm gonna drive you back

tomorrow?

I can find a ride.

But, I mean, like, can I get

fun OJ out this b*tch?

'Cause this wack-a*s OJ

is really making me feel

like I'm not loved.

Is that how you want

your little sister to feel?

What happened to Gold Rush?

Gold Rush went bankrupt.

It's been this for three years.

- Damn.

- Howdy, folks.

Welcome to Jupiter's Claim.

Step on up for the wishing well.

Get your Jupe Jangle.

Go on,

take a picture at the well.

Cowboys and cowgirls,

just a little heads-up.

Join us Fridays at 5:30 p.m.

for the brand-spanking-new

Jupiter's Claim

Star Lasso Experience.

Come on over

to the Sundae Saloon.

Get your ice-cold sarsaparilla.

Look at this. I've never

seen anything like it.

- Oh, shi...

- Come on.

I'm sorry, y'all. I'm sorry.

- Photo b*mb.

- You ruined it.

- Yeah, my bad.

- Gold, I tell you.

They got gold up in here.

Lucky.

Hang tight.

I'll be back.

Let's go.

How many you sold?

How many?

Ten.

You sold ten of Pops' horses?

I'm gonna get 'em back.

- Can you stay out here?

- Why?

I'm developing

a business relationship,

and you're a liability

right now.

How am I a liability?

How are you a lia...

Don't promote your f*cking

side sh*t on the job.

- Oh, my God.

- Actor, singer, dancer,

seamstress, motorcycles.

You want to promote something,

promote this business.

No, OJ. No.

First of all, that's not

my side sh*t. This is.

And second of all, if anybody's

a liability...

- f*ck you.

- No, f*ck you.

Hi there. It's Amber

again from Jupe's Claim.

It does look like we were able

to squeeze out, uh,

a couple of extra press passes

for the upcoming

friends and family preview.

Oh. No apology necessary.

This is in reference

to the biggest, bestest,

brand-new live show we have

coming up here at the park,

- which is sneaking up on us...

- Come in.

If you'd like, I can

go ahead and put you down...

OJ.

Thanks for coming up.

How you doing?

This is my sister Em.

Hi there.

So, uh... who'd you bring me?

Uh, Lucky.

He's my second-best horse,

you know, uh...

He lost focus.

So, uh... I mean, I did, too,

but I can't fire myself.

- That's good.

- Hold up.

This you?

You literally the Asian kid

from Kid Sheriff?

- Em, Em, Em, Em...

- No, it's okay.

Yeah, I was, uh...

I was Lil' Jupe.

Ah, dude, you were

literally my favorite.

You mind if I get

a picture real quick?

Hey, you mind if we talk?

Yes. Of course.

Please, browse away.

Su casa es mi casa.

Thank you. I sure will.

Um, so...

same deal, yeah? Eleven-five?

- Yeah. Thank you.

- That's 3D. Yeah.

Whatever happened to that

Black boy? He was good.

Stop, stop.

He was good.

I actually wanted to, uh,

lay some groundwork,

uh, to a pathway of-of, uh,

buying some of them back.

All right?

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Totally.

Um...

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Actually, OJ,

the offer I made your dad

is still on the table.

Oh, uh...

- Let me... Let...

- Yo, wait a minute.

So, that...

OJ, have I shown you this?

This is in reference

to the Gordy's Home incident.

Gordy's Home. Yeah, yeah.

So, Gordy's Home is

a short-lived but fabled sitcom

I starred in in '96

after Kid Sheriff blew up.

Yeah, my pops told me

about this show.

The-the monkey went crazy

or some sh*t.

You know, I usually charge

a fee for this.

Oh, damn.

Ta-da.

Hmm.

That's the first

exploding fist bump.

What? Really?

Y'all came up with that?

So, as I was saying, uh,

Gordy's Home began airing

in the fall of '96...

and it was an immediate hit.

Uh, ratings were huge.

Pretty good reviews.

Just really took off.

Yeah.

Then, uh, one day...

we were sh**ting an episode

in season two entitled, uh,

"Gordy's Birthday."

And, um... boom.

One of the chimps

that plays Gordy just...

just hit his limit.

And it was six minutes

and 13 seconds of havoc.

Network tried to bury hit,

but it was a spectacle.

People are just obsessed.

You're kidding me.

OJ, you said you heard

about that?

Mm-hmm. That's why

they don't let you use chimps.

That's part of the reason.

There's a growing Gordy's Home

fan base out there now.

This Dutch couple paid me 50K

to come in here

and spend the night.

I didn't ask.

That's crazy.

So, what happened really, man?

You haven't seen

the Bad Gordy sketch on SNL?

I mean, they pretty much

nailed it better than I could.

- Mm.

- No?

Saturday Night Live?

Darrell Hammond as Tom.

Ana Gasteyer as Phyllis.

Cheri Oteri as Mary Jo Elliot.

Scott Wolf is the host.

He's me.

But, of course,

the star of the sketch

is Chris g*dd*mn Kattan

as Gordy,

and he is...

undeniable, okay?

Bit goes like this.

Everyone's trying to celebrate

Gordy's birthday,

but every time Gordy hears

something about the jungle,

Gordy... Kattan... goes off.

And it's... it's Kattan.

He's just crushing it.

He is a force of nature.

He is k*lling on that stage.

Yeah.

It's legendary.

Legendary sh*t.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to

go ahead,

look that one up on YouTube.

Details, you know?

Totally.

I got some work I got to do.

So we ain't gonna chill

tonight, nothing?

- You want to work?

- Hell no.

So, uh, what was the offer?

- Jupe?

- Yeah.

He offered to buy the ranch.

Oh, really?

That's interesting. How much?

Why?

'Cause... I'm trying to see

how big of a dumb-a*s you are.

Big dumb-a*s, probably.

So I guess you don't want

to see what's good

with Dad liquor cabinet,

then, huh?!

I got that hobby weed, too,

actually.

That's all you had to say, then.

The hobby weed.

That's all you had to say,

just let me know.

You should've dropped that

at the top.

"I got the hobby weed."

You know I'm ready.

Okay, your reflexes

are still quick. Like, whoa.

- I ain't mad at it.

- I'm watching.

To the man.

Drink.

Oh, sh*t.

Remember Jean Jacket?

Yeah, good horse.

Supposed to be

my first horse, actually.

I was just talking

to my therapist about this

- not too long ago.

- Therapist?

Yes. I f*ck one

on occasion sometimes.

I was telling her that,

for my ninth birthday,

I was supposed to get

to train Jean Jacket.

But then Pops got

some Western, and...

Jean Jacket wasn't mine no more.

Classic Otis Senior.

I distinctly remember...

standing right here

at this window,

watching y'all train my horse.

My horse.

Pops never looked up at me.

Whoa, now.

Whoa, now. Whoa, now.

OJ, come on.

But you did, n*gga.

Remember?

It was Scorpion King, actually.

It wasn't a Western.

That was the first job

Pops took me on.

Wasn't much fun.

Ended up using camels

anyways, so...

The point is...

Yeah, f*ck the point.

Yo, that man was

hardheaded as f*ck.

And so are you.

That's it.

But at the end of the day,

you got to...

you got to admit, man, Pops...

Pops did something

when he made this place.

He changed the industry.

That's real.

I can't just let that go.

Why is Ghost in the arena?

What's good?

Yeah.

Hey, yo, Em. Em!

Turn it down!

All right!

Hey!

Where he going?

What if I...

What if I told you...

you'll leave here different?

See, every Friday

for the last six months...

my family and I bore witness

to an absolute

spectacle.

Huh?

You see it? The power?

Where's Ghost?

- I don't know.

- Hold on.

Boom. Power went out.

- See?

- Rewind.

Stop.

Ghost talking about,

"I ain't listening.

I'm not trained.

I do whatever the f*ck I want."

What?

What'd you see?

What's a bad miracle?

Hmm?

They got a word for that?

Nope.

They said it was a prop plane

or something that k*lled Pops.

That sh*t ain't never

made sense to me.

Then tonight,

I heard Ghost make a sound

I ain't never heard

a horse make.

What did you see? Hmm?

It was big.

- How big?

- Big.

- What'd it look like?

- I don't know.

It was fast.

Too fast.

Too quiet to be a plane.

OJ.

Are you saying

what I think you're saying?

I'm telling you, man,

we don't need a lot.

We just need enough

to make our sh*t

look different

from what's out there.

You get what I'm saying?

Like...

You know I ain't trying

to run it up.

I just was looking online,

and I seen a lot of sh*t.

You know I'm broke, right?

We'll use my money.

Okay, shut up. Look.

All right.

There it is.

Five to a hundred K.

- Well, read it.

- You read it, dyslexic a*s.

The point is

a website like Cyber Dominion

will pay five to a hundred K

for photographic evidence

of UFOs and sh*t.

A hundred K?

And that's just what I saw

on the first go.

Now that I'm thinking about it,

f*ck Cyber Dominion.

This sh*t right here is

a moment... our moment.

We set it up,

release it the right way,

man, I'm talking

rich and famous for life.

How you doing? You look pretty.

She look like

she got a big house.

- How?

- How what? How we put it out?

- Mm.

- Well, that's what I'm saying.

We don't just go for

the quick cash-in, okay?

We-we go to the most credible

platform to do the story.

- What's that? Like Oprah?

- Yeah.

Like Oprah, for example.

After that, everybody want in.

Well, I'm saying there's plenty

of videos of flying sh*t online.

I saw one the other day.

That wasn't on Oprah.

n*gga, I didn't say Oprah.

You said Oprah.

You love Oprah.

Look, all I'm saying is

all that sh*t online is fake.

Low quality. Ain't nobody

gonna get what we gonna get.

What we gonna get?

- The shot.

- What shot?

The shot. The money shot.

Undeniable, singular, the...

- the Oprah shot.

- The Oprah shot?

Excuse me.

Hi. I can help you over here.

Hi.

Thank you for shopping

at Fry's. -

Did you guys find everything

you're looking for today?

Yes... Angel.

Oh. Great.

Um, actually, do you have

a card with us?

No, thank you.

Uh, would you like one?

- Because it...

- No, thank you.

Would you like one of

our tech support personnel

to help you

with the installation?

No, no, no, no, no, thank you.

Appreciate you.

All right, uh,

no help with the install.

Suit yourself.

Is it a hard install?

Well, for me, no.

You're not gonna

be able to do it.

What happened?

Did you guys get robbed?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you know.

A lot of blackouts.

Take the camera out

from time to time.

All these new cameras,

they have backup battery power,

so you should be fine.

But the outages affect the

power in the battery sh*t, too,

like cell phones.

Okay. All right.

Cell phones, they don't just

drop in power. Right?

I mean,

maybe your Wi-Fi drops out

whenever your system dips.

So, that's technology.

Okay, or maybe you're in

a UFO hot spot.

No one believes in that.

What's up?

Damn. Did not realize

you guys were this far out.

Mm-hmm.

I don't mind, though.

Smell of horse sh*t

and fresh air.

Right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Look at me, man.

- f*ck.

- Don't do that. Don't yell.

Sorry, man.

Sorry if I was, like, a little

shut down this morning.

Just got out of

a four-year relationship.

You were fine.

I know it's gonna sound

f*cking clich, all right,

but I thought that

she was the one, you know?

Is this gonna take

longer than an hour?

This? Oh, sh*t, yeah.

- I'm-a go ahead and pop out.

- Where you going?

I got to go to the store

and get something.

Don't worry about it.

You need anything?

Yo.

Her name was, uh, Rebecca Diaz.

Yep, keep an eye out for her.

She's an actress, model,

you know?

She booked a pilot

on The CW, so...

Yeah, f*cking left me.

Yeah, f*cking CW.

- So, thing about this camera...

- Actually, can it swivel up?

Uh, yeah.

- Boom.

- Little more?

More. Okay.

Yeah.

Mm.

Uh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Do you know they don't

call 'em UFOs anymore?

It's f*cking UAPs now.

Why they got to change the name?

Yeah.

Exactly.

No, f*ck it.

I-I'll tell you why

they changed the name,

all right?

It-it's 'cause they want

to keep us in the dark.

Remember when they declassified

all that UFO footage

a couple years ago?

Yeah. Well, people started

paying attention.

So they changed the name

to UAPs.

And no one knows

what the f*ck a UAP is,

so everyone lost interest.

I saw that... that Navy clip.

Couldn't really see 'em, though.

Could've been better.

It's shitty footage

of exact proof

that there's

an alien civilization

out there in the universe.

So, who's that?

Come on, man. The little guys

with the big eyes.

- Mm.

- Yeah.

There's lots of theories.

Either they're intergalactic

travelers looking for peace

or futuristic humans

coming back in time

to stop us

from destroying the planet,

or they're f*cking

world K*llers.

Planetary destroyers.

And that means that they've

been f*cking watching us

and studying us, waiting for

the perfect time to beam us up

and shove metal probes

up our f*cking asses.

Cool.

An-Anyway, Ancient Aliens,

History Channel.

- Watch that sh*t.

- Hey!

Hey!

Come on! Help a n*gga out!

Hey.

Know where I could find me

a couple of big, strong fellas?

You good?

I'm good.

- What?

- What's that?

Oh, this?

You know, just, uh,

training horses we ordered

that I picked up.

- Where'd you get it from?

- Don't worry about it.

Now, come on, help me out.

Got you.

Okay, so... so what is that?

- Is it like bait?

- I told you.

It is a decoy

for horse training.

Okay.

sh*t. sh*t.

- See?

- OJ.

We good.

I mean, he don't know sh*t.

Oh, no. You guys are doing

something shady.

Hey there!

Hey!

You can stay right there,

though!

Sure!

What's up?

We're setting up a decoy!

For horse training!

Oh, good!

You know, we got some of those!

Where'd you get...

Where'd you get yours?!

Yeah... I'm not really sure!

My wife would know!

- Okay! Thanks for stopping by!

- Why the... Shh.

You don't live here.

Sorry. Trying to help.

Sure thing!

Hey. I wanted

to invite you to our...

new family live show!

Friday! At 5:00 p.m.!

Okay!

Thumbs u... thumbs up.

Should I do it?

Yeah, do it.

Thumbs up!

And so,

the router's in the shed.

I set it up so if the power

goes down on camera A,

camera B's pointed

at the sky to catch

whatever might have

taken it out.

And, uh, vice versa, so...

Thank you.

I mean, you're really

not gonna tell me

what the f*ck is going on?

- You'll know soon enough.

- Oh.

Cool, cryptic.

f*cking dicks.

I can monitor the feeds

remotely myself, if you want.

Free of charge.

- Hell no.

- No.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

One more thing.

You'll be getting a call

from my supervisor

asking how my service was.

Five stars, Angel. Five stars.

Thank you.

- So, what now?

- I don't know.

- What you want to do?

- I'm... Whatever you want to do.

Well, I got some work

I got to do.

I'm gonna go out...

That's a good one.

I'm talking

today to women who say

they have been abducted

by aliens from another planet.

May I briefly

say, I don't know for a fact

that they're from

another planet.

Well, you know you weren't

in Kansas anymore, Toto.

And I wasn't wearing red shoes

that I could click together, either.

- Yeah, yeah.

Nope. Mm-mm. Nope, I'm out.

I'm going. f*ck this sh*t.

Okay. Okay.

Ow.

- Oh, sh*t!

- f*ck off.

Give us back our property.

Don't mess with Jupiter's Claim!

- Come on.

What happened?

The Park kids.

Jupe's sons.

And they let Clover out, man.

What?

They trying to prank Haywood?

- It's on!

- Hey. You stole their horse.

Oh.

Yeah.

- Hey.

- sh*t.

Oh.

What's up, Nessie?

Not much. Just stocking sh*t.

You know, pretty much regular.

Oh, sh*t!

I need to take my a*s to bed.

- Who this?

- Yo, it's Angel from Fry's.

Just calling to tell you that

there is a bug on camera A.

I know. Wait, I thought I

told you not to watch our sh*t.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Camera B is down.

What?

Camera B is down.

Like Ancient-f*cking-Aliens

down.

- Hey!

- Hey. Hi.

Emerald, can you please get

the bug off the thing?

Get the bug off

the f*cking thing!

sh*t.

Um, what do you see?

Do you... do you see, like,

lights or anything?

Like, a-a f*cking saucer?

It's in the cloud.

It's in the cloud.

OJ! It's in the cloud!

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, nah, nah, nah.

Run, OJ! Run!

sh*t.

Hello?

What happened to OJ?

It's fine.

Come on.

Okay, it's still on.

The camera, it's still on.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Okay, you f*cking

praying mantis.

All right, b*tch.

You like Sour Patch Kids?

Huh?

A'ight, man.

Where your sh*t? Let's go.

Haven't seen one of those

in a minute.

f*cking praying mantis.

That m*therf*cker better pray

I don't ever see him,

'cause if I do, I'm-a eat him.

- Let's go.

- Where?

Man, I don't know.

I got me

a little situation in Atwater

texting me back right now.

- It's not coming again tonight.

- I don't care.

No. No.

No.

Bro, I ain't never seen

no sh*t like this.

It ain't worth it.

No, nope. It's too much.

You should go, then.

I got to get up early anyway.

I got mouths to feed.

sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

You hear that?

Ghost out there.

Acting all territorial.

Mm.

I guess some animals

ain't fit to be trained.

- Hello?

- Uh, hi.

Is this, uh, Antlers Holst?

Who's this?

Hey, yeah. I'm Emerald Haywood.

Uh, we met a couple days ago

at the commercial.

Oh, yeah, horse girl. Sure.

I remember you and your brother.

Yeah, horse boy.

He's here, too.

- The descendants of the jockey.

- Yeah.

Guess I'm talking to

motion picture royalty, then.

How'd you get the number?

- I got it from the call sheet.

- Ah.

So, we have a project, and, uh,

you know, what if I told you

it was the offer of a lifetime?

Yeah, hopefully not my lifetime.

That's a good one.

Um, I'm-a be real with you.

We don't have a lot of money

to pay you up front...

You know, not like

you're used to... but, uh...

Yeah. I tend to do one for them

so I can do one for me,

so what is it?

- Reality.

- Oh, no. Reality.

Documentary.

- Doc-Documentary.

- Oh, that's better.

So, again, what's it about?

It's about the sh*t

dreams is made of, baby.

Listen, horse girl.

I got a, uh...

pretty damn superb

lemon tart in the oven

I'm about to serve to ten

of my closest friends, so...

Stop.

- Stop, stop, stop.

- Oh, hold on one second. What?

- He's not here for that.

- Look, look, no.

Don't be cute.

Stick to the plan. Say it!

This is what I do.

I don't go to your job

and knock a horse's d*ck

out your damn hand.

- Hello?

- Yeah.

Yeah, my bad. We good, man.

Um, according to

American Cinema magazine,

you make the cinematically

impossible possible.

Well, we looking

for the impossible shot.

That's impossible.

Antlers.

There's something out here

in Agua Dulce,

and you're probably

the only person in the world

that can get it on film.

Th-That's it.

Horse girl,

this dream you're chasing,

the one where you end up

at the top of the mountain,

all eyes on you...

it's the dream

you never wake up from.

I don't like him.

Holy sh*t. It's real.

I don't know

what you're doing here, but...

it was ill*gal for you to...

spy on us like that.

Wait, you... you don't know?

Okay, uh, tell me

when you see it.

There.

- Doesn't move.

- Exactly.

Well, look at that.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay.

I went back and scrubbed

through the footage,

and that cloud

has been right there

at least since

I set the cameras up.

Yeah, now you mention it,

I've probably been looking

at the same damn cloud

every day

for the last six months.

sh*t.

So, I mean,

that's them in there.

And we've been recording it,

so we got it.

Right?

Yeah.

Why you saying "yeah" like that?

I mean, we have proof

of aliens on video. I...

Yeah, I wouldn't call it proof.

Are you serious?

Look, I've seen crazy weather

phenomenons online before.

- That's all I'm saying.

- He's right.

It's good, but it ain't it.

Ain't Oprah.

Ain't Oprah.

Okay. Are you guys telling me

that there's an alien spaceship

in that f*cking cloud

right there?

It doesn't move like a ship.

What you mean, OJ?

What if it's not a ship?

All right, Gordy,

we're almost ready, buddy.

Here we go, buddy. Come on.

- He's ready.

- Set.

Here we go.

And... action.

And, of course,

I set it to Icelandic time

because we share a love

of the aurora borealis, Gordy.

And you have no idea

how to tell time.

Great gift, Dad.

Way to think things through.

Somehow, you'd think

that a man who can send

a rocket into space

would be able to manage

a halfway decent

birthday present.

Nope.

You know, Gordy,

all things considered,

maybe my gift

isn't so bad after all.

- Aw.

- Aw.

Hey, Gordy.

- Surprise!

- Wow.

Now, that is a gift.

Oh. Sorry. My...

That's all right.

Pick it up from there.

Wait a minute.

What happened to we both failed

at finding good presents?

Here you go, Gordy.

Happy birthday.

Oh, beautiful, Hayley.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey. No.

- No, no! Down! Down! Gordy!

- Down!

- No. Stop!

- Stop that!

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, Gordy, no! No!

D-D-Down! Down! Down!

You sit! Down.

No, no, no.

No, no, no!

No, Gordy!

Stop! Ah!

No! No!

Seven just on scene...

Oh, my God.

Feeling good?

Yeah.

Feeling good.

Good.

There we go.

Run it.

Run it one more time, babe.

Okay.

What if I told you...

Yo. It's, uh... Storm's coming.

Just tarping up,

just to be safe.

Hey, where you going?

I'm-a get Lucky.

Now, we're not gonna let

a few clouds k*ll our fun

today, are we, folks?

So, without further ado,

welcome to the Jupiter's Claim

Star Lasso Experience!

How's everyone feeling today?

All right.

It's quite a doozy today.

Uh, I want to thank you guys

for coming out here.

But first, how about

another round of applause

for my Amber?

I'll tell you, that woman is

a saint for putting up

with all my craziness.

And to the knuckleheads

up there.

The staff. Shout-out.

All right, all right.

That's enough.

I also want to give

a special thanks to

an old costar of mine

and my first crush,

Mary Jo Elliott, everyone!

Yeah.

All right.

You ready?

Oh, come on.

That ain't nothing.

Are you ready?!

Here we go.

You're chosen.

What if I told you...

that in about an hour...

you'll leave here different?

See, every Friday

for the last six months,

my family and I

have bore witness

to an absolute spectacle.

One that you'll be

seeing here today.

So let me take you back

to that first night.

Right here in this exact spot,

I'd come over to wrangle

a chestnut horse named Trigger.

Now, I could barely see my hand

in front of my face

for the fog, but I swear

on my wife and children's lives

that at 6:13 p.m.,

I see...

a flying saucer

descend through the mist.

Old Trigger took off

straight into the gulch.

And, well...

it's like he was going home.

Now, just to be clear,

what we saw

was a flying saucer.

No doubt about that.

Slightly flatter in the front,

with a circular hole

in the bottom

about two school bus

lengths wide.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I kid you not.

We are being surveilled

by an alien species

I call "the Viewers."

And though they have yet

to emerge from their ship,

I believe they trust me.

If they didn't,

I don't think any of us

would be here right now.

So, as I said,

in just under an hour,

Star Lasso Experience

is gonna change you.

But first,

my boys are gonna come out

and do a little number for us.

Would that be all right?

Hustle. Go, go, go...

All right.

My little satellites:

Colton, Phoenix, Max.

Remember those names, folks.

All right, here we go!

What is that?

Do you guys see that?

Uh, uh, stay in your seats.

This is new.

Uh, they're early.

They're giving us

a real show today.

- That they are.

- Yeah.

They're giving us

a real show today.

They're ready, we're ready.

Welcome

to the Star Lasso Experience,

only at Jupiter's Claim.

- Please remember to avoid...

- Come on.

Using your cell phones

or any flash photography...

- Cell phones off, y'all.

- during the event.

Come on!

Bear with us now.

Trained animals

can be unpredictable.

Now sit back,

stay in your seats and enjoy

the Star Lasso Experien...

Well, cowboys and cowgirls,

it's time to ride off

into the sunset.

That's right. Happy trails.

It's closing time.

You don't have to go home,

but you can't stay here.

Come back again.

And until then,

we wish you well.

Hasta la vista. Adios.

Well, cowboys and cowgirls,

it's time to ride off

into the sunset.

That's right. Happy trails.

It's closing time.

You don't have to go home,

but you can't stay here.

Come back again.

And until then...

Lucky.

Lucky.

Lucky, come on, come on.

Come on!

Come on, come on, come on.

Lucky.

Come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on.

Yo.

It's done.

All right, I'll be over in the

morning to tear that sh*t off.

Or you guys can do it

yourselves.

- It's all the same.

- No, no.

- I like when you do it.

- Of course you do.

All right. See you tomorrow.

See you.

Pick up, pick up, pick up,

pick up, pick up,

pick up, pick up.

Come on, come on.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Did you know that

the very first assembly

of photographs

in sequential order

to make a motion picture

was a two-second clip

of a Black man on a horse?

That man was a Bahamian jockey

known as Alistair E. Haywood,

and he was

my great-great-grandfather.

- Hey.

- Em.

I was right.

It's not a ship.

What happened?

What the f*ck?

sh*t.

It ate them, Em.

It ate them all.

It's alive, Em. It's an animal.

It's territorial, and it thinks

that this is its home.

Em!

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, sh*t.

Ooh, yes.

Hey, hey. We're in trouble.

Okay?

Oh, f*ck.

sh*t.

What?

What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

Who the hell is that?

Who the hell is that?

- Em! Who the hell is that?

- f*ck.

It's above us.

Ah, sh*t!

sh*t.

Oh, sh*t! What the f*ck?

Oh, God.

S-Something very bad

is happening.

f*ck!

Yeah, we're f*cked.

Nope.

Em. OJ's coming.

Let's go.

Got to get out this house.

I got to get out this house.

No, st-st-stop.

Can't we just wait, right?

You can. -No, I'm not

gonna be here alone.

I've got to get out

this f*cking house! -No.

We're alive still

because we stayed here.

Go!

- Come on. Come on.

- Go!

Come on, come on,

come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Go.

Yeah, she... she gonna make it.

- OJ.

- She gonna make it.

- Oh, hey, horsie.

- Hey, don't-don't look him

- in the eyes, please.

- VFX!

Focus here. Focus here.

Come on.

Go!

Welcome to my tavern.

I don't know if you've heard,

but a terrible beast is about.

It's been harassing villagers,

ruining crops

and eating their livestock.

Many a glory-seeking hunter

has attempted to defeat it,

and just as many have perished.

While you're here...

While you're here...

While you're here,

please look around.

I'm here in

Agua Dulce, California,

and the whereabouts of

those 40 guests and employees

of a local Western theme park

are still unknown.

The sheriff's office

has had its hands full

trying to identify

the unaccounted for.

Until they do,

only one thing is certain.

There is something strange

happening

out here in Agua Dulce.

Security

cameras were off at the time.

Other than that, we have, uh,

no reason to suspect foul play.

We did have

a considerable amount

of rain come through here,

so we don't want to rule out

flash flooding

as possibly having played

a part. We're obviously...

You never go wrong

with a fried fish sandwich.

Tartar got tang.

Stupid.

"Tartar got tang"?

Right?

I don't think it eats you if

you don't look it in the eye.

Hey, hey!

RTR, bro.

You know?

Like, read the room.

Nobody want to talk about that.

Let's go!

- Okay, okay, okay. Enough.

All right, all right, all

right, all right, all right.

Hey, you lucky!

Every animal got rules.

All right?

We know what it wants,

and we know how it comes, so...

f*ck.

We don't really know sh*t.

OJ, what's this about, man?

What's this about?

You want me to...

You want me to say, "I'm sorry"?

"I was wrong"? "It's dumb"?

It wasn't dumb.

- Own the moment.

- Stop.

- Stop, stop this sh*t.

- It was good. It was good.

But the moment about to pass.

And we don't own sh*t.

Okay. Well, I assume

y'all are crashing at mine.

Right, 'cause you can.

'Cause I'm not going back

to the f*cking monster umbrella.

Got to feed 'em.

Let Lucky out.

There's sh*t to do.

Always.

Always some sh*t to do.

There's a wheelchair

on your roof.

Hi.

That cloud ain't moved

a g*dd*mn inch.

So you're not completely

full of sh*t.

Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you.

Th-The concept

of extraterrestrial animals

in the sky is not a new thing.

You know, people been trying

to get pictures of these things

since, like, the '50s.

- You know, it's an ancient...

- How do we see it?

It's gonna get hungry again.

Ah.

So, you know...

just ring the dinner bell.

Now, we know

what it doesn't like.

That little fake horse

and flags messed it up good.

Got stuck in its windpipe

or something.

I bet it ain't gonna f*ck with

flags like that in a minute.

Yeah.

We pissed him off.

We're not the reason

it settled down here.

That was Jupe.

He got caught up

trying to tame a predator.

You can't do that.

You got to enter an agreement

with one.

Yeah.

Ask Siegfried and Roy.

Okay.

Um, asking as someone

who was in the house

- when the sh*t went down...

- Mm.

How exactly do you enter

an agreement with a f*cking...

a UFO, alien entity or whatever

the hell you want to call it?

Jean Jacket.

Call him Jean Jacket.

So, how about this?

How about we send

ol' Jean Jacket

some fresh horses in golden hour

- and see what happens?

- Mm-mm.

Horse people.

Mm, why not just set them free?

We're not doing that.

Okay.

Who is gonna go down there

and get the star

out of his trailer?

Me.

I'll get him out.

Where you want it?

You draw him out there.

I'm here.

On this ridge.

Oh, sh*t.

Made her myself.

No electricity.

Didn't I tell you

this m*therf*cker was gonna

come up here with

a non-electrical camera?

Let's go, boy!

Yeah!

I've been up under it

a couple times now.

I get him.

It's an animal.

You don't turn your back

on a bear.

You don't wear red

around a bull.

It's like that.

You don't look at it

unless you want its attention.

Good night, Mr. Storeman.

f*ck it. I call top hat.

And we ain't got a lot of time.

One day. Two days, tops.

'Cause the word is getting out,

and when it does...

Sorry, dead people.

Park's closed.

You know people gonna come

and do what they always do:

try and take it all

for themselves.

Fine.

Thimble.

That's the one I wanted anyway.

Well, let 'em come.

It ain't gonna matter.

'Cause what we about to do...

they can't erase that.

He's big, he's bad,

and he's got a lot of spirit.

But anything with a spirit

can get broke.

So you break it.

I'll get the shot.

Hey, um...

What we're doing's important.

Right?

Like, what we document,

it's, uh...

it's gonna do some good, huh?

I mean, besides the money

and f*cking fame,

like, we can save some lives.

f*ck, we-we can even save Earth.

Right?

- Mm.

- Yeah.

Well, it came down to Earth

And it hid in a tree

I said,

"Mr. Purple People Eater

Don't eat me"

Well, he looked at me

and in a voice so gruff

He said,

"I wouldn't eat you

'Cause you're too tough"

He was a one-eyed,

one-horned

Flyin' purple people eater

One-eyed, one-horned

Flyin' purple people eater

One-eyed, one-horned

Flyin' purple people eater

Sure looks strange to me.

He ain't gonna f*ck with you.

Time to wake up the family.

Here we go.

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

How exquisitely stupid is that?

Hah, hah, hah!

We gonna get you today,

m*therf*cker.

Where is the feed

for Holst's camera?

Over.

Couldn't figure it out. Over.

What you mean,

you couldn't figure it out?

Over.

Um, Holst is sh**ting

on a film camera,

and all of our cameras are

digital, so it's a whole thing.

Over.

Basically,

you forgot about it. Over.

Yeah, well, I had my hands full

rigging 50 f*cking sky dancers

to dead people's car batteries

all connected

to one control panel.

So, yeah, f*cking over. Sorry.

I'm scared.

Man down.

Man down? What? Where?

Last dancer, deep in the gulch.

Stay on it, Em. I'm staying up.

m*therf*cker.

Oh, wait, wait.

Oh, it's back up.

Could be a faulty battery.

All right. Shot's up, then.

Nah, he's poking.

Who's this as*h*le?

Man in black

on a white motorcycle.

No, no, no, no, no, no. sh*t.

Can I help you?

You see that cloud?

Hey, man, who you with?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Who are you?

Nobody.

You don't look like

a nobody to me.

Yeah, look, w-we doing

a camera test

for a Verizon commercial,

so now I'm-a need you

to clear the road.

This whole valley

comes up as blurry

on Google Maps.

You're really tucked away

back here.

Jupiter's Claim?

Quicker if you go

the other way around.

Yeah.

Actually,

what did happen with Jupe Park

and all those people?

He was basically

your neighbor, right?

So, what, they vanished?

You don't believe

the flood narrative, do you?

f*ck, guys.

It's TMZ.

Oh, f*ck me.

Uh, hey, guys. Uh, Jean Jacket

is definitely in those clouds,

and he's definitely

coming this way.

What's the matter?

Don't you want to be on TV?

Man, I'm trying to tell you.

You don't want to go that way.

f*ck it.

Your loss, nobody.

We still rolling? Over.

g*dd*mn right we are.

Fellas, here it comes. Over.

Pop quiz, guys.

What happens

when an electric bike

going 60 miles per hour

hits an anti-electric field

going in the opposite direction?

sh*t.

f*ck.

sh*t.

We're all gonna go to jail.

Oh, f*ck. There's no way

that that guy's alive.

Ah, sh*t.

g*dd*mn.

I told his a*s not to go.

I told him not to go.

Uh, hey, OJ, what's...

Wh-Where the f*ck are you going?

The f*ck is he doing?

I'm going dark. Over.

Okay. No, OJ, no. No!

No self-respecting...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Easy, easy, easy. -

Did you get that on camera?

- Look at me. Look at me.

- Look at me. -What happened?

Listen, listen, we-we

got to get you out of here.

- Eyes on me.

- Where's my camera?

- Hey! Hey!

- I need my camera.

Do you see it?

Okay. Angel?

- What?

- Angel, come on.

We got to reload.

sh*t.

Wait.

Uh, where's your phone?

Why aren't you filming this?

What?

Angel, what's happening?

Okay, OJ, if you die

trying to save that guy,

I'll k*ll you.

No. No, no, please.

Please, no. No.

- We're gonna get you out. Shut your eye.

- Shut your eye.

- Not before you take a picture.

T-Take a picture first!

Uh, camera reloads.

You can use my camera.

No, no.

There's not enough time.

It's here.

Be Scorpion King.

Make a name for yourself.

What is that?

My bad, man.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

My camera! I need my camera!

Oh, my God! f*ck!

Give me the lid.

Give me the lid.

Come on. All right.

Oh, God!

Oh, f*ck!

sh*t! f*ck!

Hey, hey! Is everybody okay?

For the love of f*ck,

talk to me, please!

OJ.

OJ. OJ!

You stupid-a*s m*therf*cker,

you better answer me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you okay?!

Are you good? Over.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Holy sh*t, I-I think

it's taking the dancers.

Are you getting this?

Guys, OJ's hooded up.

He's doing the run.

OJ's doing the run!

Oh, God.

Sasha hanged himself.

It's all my fault.

Me, alone.

- (sniffles)

- It's my fault.

Forgive me.

I'll be there

by early afternoon.

Rostov: No!

Don't come back.

You don't have to.

Live your life!

Who do you take me for,

Dimitri Rostov?

Forgive me.

Forgive me!

(groans)

(panting)

(in French) sh*t!

This isn't the clearing.

(panting)

(branch cracks)

(panting)

(groans)

(g*nsh*t)

(panting)

(yells)

(Mathieu yelling)

(gasping loudly)

(line ringing)