01x00 - Unaired Pilot

[bunniefuu]

oh no I can't believe I'm on the pyramid

standing said d*ck Clark you know up

close he's not as youngl looking as

everyone says he

is what uh uh things that fly

uh uh things that jump uh things that

play the

harmonica come on come on my celebrity

stinks I specifically ask for Tony

Randall and instead I get the red hair

girl from

Taxi she's giving me ly

clue what a nightmare that's the last

time I ate a whole box of steakums right

before

bed

oh okay you're bad all right you're

looking

good you're a corporate

animal damn I miss frag a

rock just CL whe How the

feel

the you oh Miss Hannah why don't you

just fall right into my Burning Ring of

Fire

America

hand across a

nation Living in

America you have a celebration

hey Mom Dad what are you guys doing up

so early I thought uh retired people

were supposed to get as much sleep as

possible you know to to rest up for all

the Clapping you got to do to turn the

lights on and

off glce were you smoking heavily when

you were pregnant with

Chris darling your father has something

very important he wants to talk to you

about it well sure Dad but I can't be

late for work that's exactly what I want

to talk to you about a couple of years

ago done when you moved out of the house

into the garage that was a step in the

right direction now your mother and I

are kind of worried you may be in a

rut we don't think that you're really

happy and we don't want you to turn into

some sort of a lost soul well gosh Ma

you make it sound like I'm going to

start sending flowers to jod Foster or

something not Jody Foster Daryl Hannah

all right now wait a second I am not

obsessed with Daryl Hannah I just happen

to believe that she may very well be one

of the greatest American actresses since

lilan

Gish if you don't believe me go see

Splash I've seen it several times so I

think I know from Once I

speak look Mom Dad I know that some of

the choices I've made in my life and in

my job are maybe not necessarily the

ones you hoped I'd make but I promise

you I'm happy I'm real happy I'm almost

too happy I'm the kind of happy that

makes people point at me on the street

and say is that guy sick in the head or

something why is he so

happy journalism is in my blood I love

the excitement of it the smell of it the

down and dirty stagnant stinking stench

of it

all well I can tell you two understand

it have a good day at work dear Mother

Father I'm

off look at the bright side glattus

according to his boss he's the best man

for the job

[Music]

stand in the place where you live now

think about dire and wonder why you have

now stand in the place where you were

now face think about the place where you

live wonder why you have people stand in

the place where you live now face out

Direction wonder why you have it now

stand in the place where you were now

with us the place where you live wonder

why you stand in the place where you

are so

stand

[Music]

Larry

Larry

Larry Chris what are you doing here

Larry I've come to rescue you from a

grueling day at the office and take you

out on a funfilled adventure hey what a

great idea get

out Larry I'm doing this for you pal the

rat race it's eating you up alive buddy

Chris what do you know about the rat

race you're a paper

boy hey I'm head paper boy okay I got

Five Guys under me all right and when

things get tight I can do other jobs

Larry look the point is there's nothing

more important in life than free time

forget it

listen the last time we went on one of

your little adventures we ran over a

pig no Larry that was an accident and it

was not a pig it was a bag of garbage

Chris it was a pig an iate farmer and

his wife chased us for 10 miles in their

truck I think if you remember Larry they

were looking for a convenience store

they were sh**ting at us they were

trying to Signal you because you were

driving too fast I was driving too fast

because they were trying to k*ll

us maybe they were just mad cuz you ran

over there garbage it was a p a p

Larry Larry are you are you talking to

me uh no uh I'm from the water company

ma'am uh we uh released some mustard

sulfites into the water and uh you know

now we're warning people not to bathe

otherwise you know they're going to

smell like

mustard how interesting Larry what is

Chris Peterson doing here he delivered

our paper honey well he is not required

to deliver it into my

bedroom well that's not what you told

the Domino's boy

last it's a

joke Peterson you are such a

brat and what are you doing here anyway

shouldn't you be out selling seeds with

the boy scouts or something oh ouch what

a

singer

an incredibly sarcastic and right to the

heart comment about my life Sharon

you've opened my eyes you matured me

instantly hey you got a Nintendo yeah

the Power Glove too Lawrence cannot play

with you right now Chris Larry has a

real job he's got to get ready for right

Lawrence oh sure I understand Hey

listen I brought you something uh little

gift this is the new Victoria Secret

catalog

uh I'm done with it but I went ahead and

I circled some items in here that uh

well maybe you should take a look at

unless of course you are more

comfortable with the burlap bag look and

don't get me

WR I really think it looks terrific on

you but maybe you should let me just say

this as precisely as I possibly can okay

you're 30 years old you still live with

your parents you're losing your hair wow

and you're

stupid y you know I think that just

about covers

it now I'm going downstairs to make some

coffee for

Larry Larry I love her she's a dream if

you ever divorce her can you please let

me know because I'd like to you know get

in there if I could Chris could you

please tell me why you and Sharon have

to fight all the time GE I don't know

maybe we're frustrated because we're

secretly in love with each other but I

doubt it Larry I really doubt it come on

forget it I can't take the day off

things are crazy down at Bushman and

Simon and ever since old man Simon got

drunk and rode his horse into the mall

we've been losing customers right and

left now we're under the g*n to come up

with new clients or else I can't just

live like you and hang out with Wall-E

in the beef and Bug Mr

Wilson okay Larry but I just happen to

have two tickets to the Funland

amusement park Larry and well they're

unveiling today for the first time the

first 360° super roller coaster in

Minnesota Larry Larry is the hell Loop

2000 the hell Loop 2000 I heard about

that

mhm no no way I can't just skip off on a

win whenever I want I've got

responsibilities it really does a

complete Loop Larry I swear to you on

the lives of my children if I'm ever

lucky enough to have any look Larry

you're too tense you need this

Uncle Chris wrestl

WrestleMania oh hi Daddy I need to

notice you over there Bobby and I are

going to play with your power glove okay

okay fine okay fine what am I saying no

it's not okay fine this is my Nintendo

Understand Me Mine Mine Mine gosh Dad

don't Bu The Blood vessle over it come

on

Bobby

okay maybe I have been a little tense

lately at least with the kids Larry

you're exactly the person they built the

hell Loop 2000 for Chris I can't go even

if I wanted to I can't get out of work

on such short notice okay leave that to

me I'll just call your office and

pretend I'm you are you crazy now relax

listen I'm a master of mimicry I've got

you down perfectly yeah how you doing

little larence teapot of the third yeah

who you be

line yeah all right well lorine you dig

this I got the cold see and uh uh and my

uncle he

died yeah so I got to go to the funeral

you dig yeah so I ain't going to be

dragging my Sor old butt in there

today yeah you pass that on all right

baby later for you there it's done you

just got me fired you idiot when you're

relax your voice is very guttural and I

think I captured that quality

marvelously you're a free man come on

let's go I'm not going Chris look you'll

always be my best friend but we're not

children anymore and you can't

manipulate me like you used to okay I

understand your chicken all right that's

it I'm in let's go did you Cofe hunt me

thanks sweetheart but you know uh I

don't think I have time because I have

to drop Chris off at uh Toys R Us yeah

that's right I've got uh Dorothy and the

Scarecrow but I still need to get the

line and the Tin Man to get the get the

four of those guys together so

uhhuh

Lawrence if you're lying to me I'll be

forced to maim you very badly and then

m*rder your dimwitted

friend

don't worry Sharon I won't let Larry be

late for

[Music]

work

Mercury Cho through every

degree oh girl dancing down those dirty

and dusty

TR

take it to rock it through the

[Music]

Wilderness around the world the trip

begins with a

[Applause]

K if you want

tooll around the

world if you want

do without we without

will

you want

[Music]

tooll around the

[Music]

world want to without anything but the

love

[Music]

[Applause]

we hey the ride's over fellas oh well we

apologize for our enthusiastic wooing

sir but as you can tell your ride brings

us great

joy you've been on this thing five times

you getting off what the hell does that

mean you

Phil Chris he's asking if we're done if

we're getting off the ride oh oh pardon

me I'm sorry I I thought that you

thought that well Larry and I were were

lovers or

something now why would I think a thing

like

that well two men on a roller coaster

giggling like school girls you could e

easily get the wrong impression I

guess yeah right we are going to go one

more time so uh let her RI actually

Chris you know it's getting late but you

were right about today I feel a lot less

tense thanks well Larry the only way to

thank me is to ride the loop One More

Time come on one more time one more time

all right all right one more time and

that's it all right let her

go

weenies okay here we go here we go

through the here we go you bloody

Bard um Larry are we moving through the

loop a lot slower this time it's

probably just a temporary malfunction I

bet we'll be moving in no more than 2

seconds I bet you're

right Larry we're

[Music]

stuck

it's jam oh no I'll be back dipping

funnel cakes in the deep fry by tomorrow

well have you down in no time hold on to

your pants did he just ask us where we

bought our pants at a time like this the

G you idiot now get us

down Chris today was supposed to be

relaxing it was supposed to be fun

instead I'm stuck in a bad Irwin Allen

movie with an aging Dennis the Menace

all right just relax okay I know you're

frightened Larry but I promise you I

will get us through this thing okay just

relax there's got to be a

[Music]

morning it's waiting right outside the

door Watergate was really bad the movie

Brian song was kind of sad playing

Pacman at the mall China under martial

law gbit comes to town Chris and Larry

upside

down

it was all shut up I can't take it

anymore I'm going to rip out your vocal

cords and stuff them in your

ear lar you getting a little cranky yes

I'm getting cranky we've been upside

down for 2 hours already yeah and that

kind of brings up an interesting point I

wonder how long it takes before all the

blood rushes through your brain and your

head

explodes why is this taking so long

don't they realize this thing could fall

at any second Larry don't be ridiculous

this is a state-of-the-art roller

coaster it's been tested double tested

and triple tested we're perfectly safe

he retrospect what we should have done

is tested this thing I gu see that car

could fall the track any second now I'll

have to act fast Henderson call thrill

World find out how they handle their

dead just want to go home home to my

kids and my dear sweet wife dear sweet

wife hey pal I don't know what you're

smoking over there but I think it's

distorting your sense of

reality shut up you're such an idiot

yeah well has it ever occurred to you

that I'm happy being an idiot Mr 9:1

Chris it's 9 to5 not

9:1 wow you really put in the hours

there don't

[Music]

you wait what was that oh we're going to

die up here we're going to die don't say

that Larry don't say that we all right

listen we need to keep our strength

let's let's eat we need to ration what

little food we have

here would you like some Doritos crunch

all you want will'll make

more that is so cool all

fixed screwed up again you idiots you

morons uhoh what are they yelling at us

what are you oh well they're just

shouting you know you know words of

encouragement best wishes and so forth

that sort of

thing now that's kind of

odd

please I must be

hallucinating I think I see an Angel

that's no angel Larry that's Connie

Bristol from wrxt TV we're saved Larry

we're saved thank God wait a second TV

we we're not going to be on TV are we

well sure we're kind of like those

whales that were stuck in the ice what

if somebody sees me everybody at work

thinks I'm at a funeral

oh yeah well quick hide where the hell

am I supposed to hide would you two

idiots please shut up we're about to go

on the air hello I'm Connie Bristol

reporting from Funland amusement park

and suspended upside down behind me are

two very brave men whose lives may end

at any moment hi guys you want to tell

us your names Connie do you think maybe

we could do the interview down on the

ground I asked your

names hey Mom look I'll go chist Daddy

on TV

cool well I'm Chris Peterson and this is

my friend Larry

Potter oh I'm sorry did I say Larry

Potter I meant uh David Hasselhoff Ste

not you know the guy from that low rated

Baywatch show they just share similar

sounding names that's

all ladies and gentlemen it appears it's

all the roller coaster is about to tear

off the track and Plum it to the hard

concrete below right now during my

exclusive report

Court well I guess

not and now let's go back to our Studios

where Dr Charles Freeman will tell us

how long a person can hang upside down

before their head explodes anybody don't

go you can use your UK crane thing to

get us down sorry reporters have to stay

objective we just can't get involved

with our stories bye come back come back

come back you raing spamming

[ __ ] Larry Larry get a grip on yourself

Larry sry I'm thinking clearer now than

I've ever thought before in my life and

you know what it's so simple all we have

to do is unstrap ourselves get out of

the car and climb down the track rung by

rung hand over hand you're insane

that'll never work where's that slot

that horor Larry please listen I

wouldn't try this unless I was in Peak

physical condition but you know if you

don't feel like you're up to it then

just grab a hold of my love handles and

I'll carry you

down Larry Larry I think I'm

miscalculated Larry we are going to die

Goodbye

Chris Larry I love you not you know in a

strange way more like a brother although

you know at this point why should we

rule anything

out goodbye my friend

goodbye wait Chris we're moving we're

moving Don't Let Go Oh Praise the Lord

praise the Lord here we go through the

loop through the

loop all right it's fixed one more time

one more time get out of there you

wieners

odd I'm dead there's my boss Mr

Simon okay don't worry he's just here

with this kid he didn't see us let's go

this way

Larry okay that's not going to be good

either uh con what are you doing here I

thought you had a cold and a funeral to

go to today uh well yes sir uh after the

funeral I came here to the amusement

park to uh buy some

drian Potter you're fired now hold on

just a dog on second here who's this Jer

well I am a Southern multi-billionaire

and you see this fell here was just

trying to convinced me to bring my

little company to your accounting firm

oh shut up what do you take me for an

imile well actually yes sir I do take

you for an inviso I'm sorry but that's

just a problem I'm going to have to work

out on my own but if I could just have a

second of your time everybody listen up

here Connie come over here I want you to

hear this too my

friend Larry Potter has just been

fired by this

man but I suggest to all of you that

perhaps he deserves a second chance who

Among Us hasn't been given a second

chance just once in their miserable

lives well I know someone who has given

a second chance a overworked president

of a major accounting firm who had a

little too much Jim Beam one night and

decided to take a joy ride through JC

peny on Mr

Ed it took several months but eventually

we all stopped snickering behind his

back and so if we can forgive the

lovable Town Lush can't we forgive one

of his underlings who after all was

merely trying to relieve some of the

incredible pressure in his life so that

tomorrow he could do his job that much

better

Potter

Potter if you ever pull a stunt like

this again you'll be out like

yesterday's

garbage I'll see you in the

[Applause]

[Music]

morning well Larry all in all kind of a

fun day huh oh

boys oh

no she's really mad I can tell I'm dead

all right all right don't worry Larry I

know just how a sweet talk Sharon you

leave this to me Sharon Hi how are you

hey listen um just a little constructive

criticism maybe before you leave the

house in the morning you should try

dabbing on a little makeup maybe that

work

Chris do you realize I'm in position to

thrust my knee upward with great passion

and

velocity let me get this straight Sharon

you're coming on to me with your husband

standing right over

there come along home now

Lawrence we have a busy evening ahead of

us yes

dear if you don't hear from me in a

couple days call Robert Stack over an

Unsolved Mysteries yeah

hey great there's still no line for this

thing okay one more time Chief through

the loop let's go let her

[Music]

rip oh hi Ma hi Dad hello dear how was

your day H you guys will read about it

tomorrow hey Mom Dad can I ask you two a

question do I bug you to I mean uh would

you prefer I just move out and go off

and be a big success or something

somewhere darling it doesn't matter what

I want or what your father wants all

that matters is that you're really happy

everyone has a right to choose their own

lifestyle no matter how bizarre we

respect your choice we know that you can

do anything you put your mind to one of

these days Chris you'll find something

you want to stick with it won't happen

in my lifetime but I'm very confident it

will happen otherwise I would have

kicked you out a long time ago does that

answer your question

son oh I'm sorry Dad I wasn't listening

what did you say nothing I just

coughed well listen if you guys ever do

want me to leave I'll be happy to move

out of the garage and into the tool shed

I'll let you know okay come on

[Music]

gladers so what are you doing tomorrow

going to open a lemonade

stand no actually Dad I've got a long

rambling letter to write to Daryl anah

so I'm going to get that one oh clap out

the lights when you go to

bed lce I've been reading an interesting

article about chromosome

damage that is so

cool

Mercury choos through every

degree oh girl dancing down those dirty

and dusty

trail take it he to he rock it through

the

Wilderness around the world the trip

begins with a

[Applause]

k