01x01 - Terror on the Hell Loop 2000

[bunniefuu]

wa what what uh uh things that fly

uh uh things that jump uh things that

play the

harmonica come on come on my celebrity

stinks she's giving me W and

[Applause]

Cru what a nightmare that's the last

time I ate a whole box of steakums right

before

bed

oh okay you're bad all right you're

looking

good you're a corporate

animal

[Music]

damn I miss frag a

[Applause]

rock the you find out oh Miss Hannah why

don't you just fall right into my

Burning Ring of

Fire sh in

the

America a the

nation

America to have a

c hey Mom Dad what are you guys doing up

so early I thought uh retired people

were supposed to get as much sleep as

possible you know to rest up for all the

Clapping you got to do to turn the

lights on and

off glattus were you smoking heavily

when you were pregnant with Chris your

father has something very important he

wants to talk to you about well sure Dad

but I can't be late for work that's

exactly what I want to talk to you about

you know son a couple of years ago when

you moved out of the house into the

garage that was a step in the right

direction now your mother and I feel

like maybe you're in a rut we don't

think you're really happy and we don't

want to see you turn into some kind of

lost

soul well gosh Ma you make it sound like

I'm going to start sending flowers to

jod Foster or something Foster Daryl

Hannah all right now wait a second I am

not obsessed with Daryl Hannah okay I

just happen to believe that she may very

well be one of the greatest American

actresses since lilyan

Gish look Mom Dad journalism it's in my

blood I I love the thrill of it the

excitement of it the the smell of it the

down and dirty stagnant stinking stench

of it

all well I can tell you to understand

have a good day at work son

mother father I'm

off look on the bright side glattus his

boss says he's the best man for the

job stand in the place where you live

now think about Direction wonder why you

haveen it now standing the place where

you were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you having

people and in the place where you live

now out and wonder why you have it now

stand in the place where you were

now the place where you live wonder why

you have stand in the place where you

are so

and

get

[Music]

Larry

Larry

Larry Chris what are you doing here

Larry I've come to rescue you from a

grueling day at the office and take you

out on a fun-filled adventure hey what a

great idea get

out Larry I'm doing this for you pal the

rat race it's eating you up alive buddy

Chris what do you know know about the

rat race you're a paper

boy hey I'm head paper boy okay I got

Five Guys under me all right and when

things get tight I can do other jobs

Larry look the point is there's nothing

more important in life than free time

forget it

listen the last time we went on one of

your little adventures we ran over a

pig no no Larry that was an accident and

it was not a pig it was a bag of garbage

it was a pig a pig

sorry are you are you talking to me uh

no uh I'm from the water company ma'am

uh we uh released some mustard sulfites

into the water and uh you know now we're

warning people not to bathe otherwise

you know they're going to smell like

mustard how interesting Larry what is

Chris Peterson doing here he delivered

our paper honey well he is not required

to deliver it into my

bedroom well that's not what you told

the Domino's boy

last what did I say a

joke Peterson you are such a

brat what are you doing here anyway

shouldn't you be out selling seeds with

the boy scouts or something oh ouch what

a

singer what an incredibly sarcastic and

right to the heart comment about my life

Sharon you've opened my eyes you matured

me instantly hey you got a Nintendo yeah

the Power Club too Lawrence cannot play

with you right now G Larry has a real

job he's got to get ready for right

Lawrence oh sure I understand Hey listen

Shar I brought you something uh little

gift this is the new Victoria Secret

catalog uh I'm done with it but I went

ahead and I circled some items in here

that uh well maybe you should take a

look at unless of course you are more

comfortable with the burlap bag look and

don't get

me I really think it looks terrific on

you but maybe you should let me just say

this as precisely as I possibly can okay

you're 30 years old you still live with

your parents you're losing your

hair and you're

stupid y you know I think that just

about covers

it now I'm going downstairs to make some

coffee for

Larry Larry I love her she's a dream if

you ever divorce her can you please let

me know because I'd like to you know get

in there

I Chris could you please tell me why you

and Sharon have to fight all the time

gee I don't know maybe we're frustrated

because we're secretly in love with each

other but I doubt it Larry I really je

come on let's go forget it I can't take

the day off things are crazy down at

Bushman and Simon and ever since old man

Simon got drunk and rode his horse into

the mall we've been losing customers

right and

left now we're under the g*n to come up

with new clients or else I can't just

live like you and hang out with Wally in

the beef and Bug Mr

Wilson okay Larry but I just happen to

have two tickets to the Funland

amusement park Larry and well they're

unveiling today for the first time the

first 360° super roller coaster in

Minnesota Larry Larry it's the hell Loop

2000 the hell Loop 2000 I heard about

that

mm no no way I can't just skip off on a

whim whenever I want I've got respons

responsibilities it really does a

complete

Loop Uncle

CHR wrl

Mania oh hi Daddy I didn't even notice

you over there Bobby and I are going to

play with your powerg glove okay okay

fine okay fine what am I saying no it's

not okay fine this is my Nintendo

Understand Me Mine Mine Mine gosh Dad

don't bust the blood vessel over it

Mom

okay maybe I have been a little tense

lately at least with the kids Larry

you're exactly the person they built the

hell Loop 2000 for Chris I can't go even

if I wanted to I can't get out of work

on such short notice okay leave that to

me I'll just call your office and

pretend I'm you are you crazy no relax

listen I'm a master of mimicry I've got

you down perfectly yeah how you doing

little Lawrence T of the third yeah who

you be line yeah all right well Lor you

dig this I got some cold see and uh and

my uncle he

died yeah so I got to go to the funeral

you dig yeah so I ain't going to be

dragging my sorry old butt in there

today yeah you pass that on all right

baby later for you there it's done you

just got me fired you idiot when you

relax your voice is very guttural and I

think I captured that quality

marvelously you're a free man come on

let's go I'm not going Chris look you'll

always be my best friend but we're not

children anymore and you can't manipul

at me like you used to okay I understand

you're chicken all right that's it I'm

in let's

[Music]

go been running so hard when what I need

is to the voice of

reason is when I

left I've waited so

long so long to play this F and just

remember iot about my

heart can't over he when I go can't stop

myself out of control and over he try to

think it's like out

of get other should I go can't stop

myself out of control and over heed to

think like before out

of hey the ride's over fellas oh well we

apologize for our enthusiastic wooing

sir but as you can tell your ride brings

us great joy you've been on on this

thing five times you getting off just

what the hell does that mean you

fil Chris he's asking if we're done if

we're getting off the ride oh oh pardon

me I'm sorry I I thought that you

thought that well Larry and I were were

lovers or

something now why would I think a thing

like

that well two men on a roller coaster

giggling like school girls you could

easily get the wrong impression I

guess yeah right we are going to go one

more time so uh let her R actually Chris

you know it's getting late but you were

right about today I feel a lot less

tense thanks well Larry the only way to

thank me is to ride the loop One More

Time come on one more time one more time

all right all right one more time and

that's it all right let her

go

weenies okay here we go here we go

through the here we go you bloody

b*stard um Larry are we moving through

the loop a lot slower this time it's

probably just a temporary malfunction I

bet we'll be moving in no more than 2

seconds I bet you're

right Larry we're

stuck it's jam oh no I'll be back

dipping funnel cakes in the deep fry by

tomorrow we'll have you down in no time

hold on to your pants did he just just

ask us where we bought our pants at a

time like this the Gap you idiot now get

us

down Chris today was supposed to be

relaxing it was supposed to be fun

instead I'm stuck in a bad Irwin Allen

movie with an aging Dennis the Menace

all right just relax okay I know you're

frightened Larry but I promise you I

will get us through this thing okay just

relax there's got to be a

morning I it's wa getting right outside

the

door Watergate was really bad the movie

Brian song was kind of sad playing

Pac-Man at the mall China under martial

law gbit comes to town Chris and Larry

upside down we didn't start the fire it

was always I can't take it anymore I'm

going to rip out your vocal cords and

stuff them in your

ear are you getting a little cranky yes

I'm getting cranky we've been upside

down for 2 hours already yeah and that

kind of brings up an interesting point I

wonder how long it takes before all the

blood rushes to your brain and your head

explodes why is this taking so long

don't they realize this thing could fall

at any second Larry don't be ridiculous

this is a state-of-the-art roller

coaster it's been tested double tested

and triple tested we're perfectly safe H

in retrospect what we should have done

is tested this thing obviously that car

can fall the track any second now I'll

have to act fast Henderson call thrill

World find out how they handle their

dead just want to go home

home to my kids and my dear sweet wife

dear sweet

wife hey pal I don't know what you're

smoking over there but I think it's

distorting your sense of

reality shut up you're such an idiot

yeah well has it ever occurred to you

that I'm happy being an idiot Mr 9 to1

Chris it's 9 to5 not 9

to1 W you really put in the hours there

don't

you wait what was that oh we're going to

die up here we're going to die don't say

that Larry don't say that we all right

listen we need to keep our strength

let's let's eat we need to ration what

little food we have

here would you like some Doritos crunch

all you want we'll make

more that is so cool all

fixed

screw up again you idiots you

morons oh what are they yelling at us oh

well they're just shouting you know

words of encouragement best wishes and

so forth that sort of

thing now that's kind of

odd I must be hallucinating I think I

see an Angel that's no angel Larry

that's cutting Bristol from wrxt TV

we're saved Larry we're saved thank God

wait a second TV we we're not going to

be on TV are we well sure we're kind of

like those whales that were stuck in the

ice what if somebody sees me everybody

at work thinks I'm at a funeral oh yeah

well quick hide where the hell am I

supposed to hide would you two idiots

please shut up we're about to go on the

air hello I'm Connie Bristol reporting

from Funland amusement park and

suspended upside down behind me are two

very brave men whose lives may end at

any moment hi guys you want to tell us

your names Connie do you think maybe we

could do the interview down on the

ground I asked your

names hey Mom look Uncle Chris and Daddy

on TV cool well I'm Chris Peterson and

this is my friend Larry

Potter ladies and gentlemen it appears

as all the roller coaster is about to

tear off the track and plummet to the

hard concrete below right now during my

exclusive

report

well I guess

not and now let's go back to our Studios

where Dr Charles Freeman will tell us

how long a person can hang upside down

before their head

explodes don't go you can use your crane

thing to get us down sorry reporters

have to stay objective we just can't get

involved with our stories bye come back

come back come back you raing spamming

wh SL Larry Larry get a grip on yourself

Larry I'm thinking clearer now than I've

ever thought before in my life and you

know what it's so simple all we have to

do is unstrap ourselves get out of the

car and climb down the track rung by

rung hand over hand you're insane

that'll never work where's that slot

that wh Larry listen I wouldn't try this

unless I was in Peak physical condition

but you know if you don't feel like

you're up to it then just grab a hold of

my love handles and I'll carry you

down Lorry Lorry I think I'm

miscalculated Larry we are going to die

Goodbye Chris Larry I love you not you

know in a strange way more like a

brother although you know at this point

why should we rule anything

out goodbye my friend

goodbye wait Chris we're moving we're

moving Don't Let Go Oh Praise the Lord

praise the Lord here we go through the

loop through the loop woo woo woo woo wo

W all right it's fixed one more time one

more time get out of there you

wieners I'm dead there's my boss Mr

Simon okay don't worry he's just here

with this kid he didn't see us let's go

this way

Larry

okay that's not going to be good either

Fu what are you doing here I thought you

had a cold and a funeral to go to today

uh well yes sir uh after the funeral I

came here to amusement park to uh buy

some drift

and Potter you're fired now hold on just

a dog on second here who's this Jer well

I am a Southern multibillionaire and you

see this fell here was just trying to

convince me to bring my little company

to your accounting firm oh shut up you

take me for an imile

well actually yes sir I do take you for

an inviso I'm sorry but that's just a

problem I'm going to have to work out on

my own but if I could just have a second

of your time everybody listen up here

Connie come over here I want you to hear

this too my

friend Larry Potter has just been

fired by this

man but I suggest to all of you that

perhaps he deserves a second chance who

Among Us hasn't been given a second

chance just once in their miserable

lives

well I know someone who has given a

second chance a overworked president of

a major accounting firm who had a little

too much Jim Beam one night and decided

to take a joy ride through JC peny on Mr

Ed it took several months but eventually

we all stopped snickering behind his

back and so if we can forgive The

Lovable Town Lush can't we forgive one

of his underlings who after all was

merely trying to relieve some of the

incredible pressure in his life so that

tomorrow he could do his job that much

better

poter

Potter if you ever pull a stunt like

this again you'll be out like

yesterday's

[Music]

garbage see you in the

morning well Larry all in all kind of a

fun one day huh oh

boys oh

no she's really mad I can tell I'm dead

all right all right don't worry Larry I

know just how a sweet talk Sharon you Le

this to me Sharon Hi how are you hey

listen um just a little constructive

criticism maybe before you leave the

house in the morning you should try

dabbing on a little makeup maybe that

would help Chris yeah do you realize I'm

in position to thrust my knee upward

with great passion and

velocity let me get this straight Sharon

you're coming on to me with your husband

standing right over

there come along home now

Lawrence we have a busy evening ahead of

us yes

dear if you don't hear from me in a

couple days call Robert Stack over an

Unsolved Mysteries yeah

sure hey great there's still no line for

this thing okay one more time Chief

through the loop let's go let her

rip oh hi Ma hi Dad dad so how was your

day I guess it was okay I was hanging

upside down on a roller coaster for

about 8

hours clap off the lights before you go

to bed will you son flatus I was reading

an interesting article on chromosome

damage that is so

cool the prosecution said says he's

unbalanced unpredictable uncontrollable

he's defense attorney Simon mcke

everyone should have a lawyer this good

Michael o'keef stars in the premiere of

against the law 1 half hour from now and

don't go anywhere the seasoned premiere

of Married With Children is

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