01x03 - Dadicus

[bunniefuu]

she wasn't one of those earthy natural

types either you know what I mean I mean

her beauty came from loads and loads of

makeup so anyway P.S I find out she's

married just out for a cheap

thrill I mean we've all been there right

why didn't you just push her in the mud

well don't you think I tried that you're

so cool so are you news boys ready yeah

uh broccoli all around

yeah I'll have a powdered jelly donut

why don't you just take a handful of

lard roll it in some ground glass and

dip it in a cup of dro cuz that's

exactly what you're doing to your

arteries he'll have a brand muffin oh J

milk look let me save you the money why

don't you just go out to your daddy's

car open up the hood pull out the

battery hold it over your head and

chugug cuz that's exactly what you're

doing to your body makeing two brand

muffins kids you're never too young to

start taking care of your health I'll

have a double deck of Sunday with

chocolate syrup that actually sounds

pretty good I think I'll have one of

those

too hey D my dad and I are going to

waste you in your dad next Saturday

you're going down Otto my dad and I will

tear out your guts and scramble them

like eggs hey hold it you know I don't

like that kind of talk eggs incredibly

high in

cholesterol chis I'm talking about the

competition on Saturday competition the

newspaper boy semiannual father and

Sunday oh yeah the old father and Sunday

yeah my dad and I used to enter that all

the time are you entering this

year

no I think that would be a little unfair

competition kind of like uh Merill stre

showing up at Star Search what he's try

he's too old yeah no Otto what I'm

trying to say is I got better things to

do okay adult things like uh playing

with

matches and uh eating candy from

strangers yeah that's right strangers

who by the way have the best candy but I

guess you wouldn't know that would you

there your food Dough

Boys

hey um Billy can I borrow a buck did you

just call me a chicken I need a buck

buck as in buck buck as in chicken

clucking noises right go ahead deny it I

wasn't calling anybody a chicken but

maybe you are uh-huh I see what's going

on here I can read your silent little

stairs my status as your Godlike role

model is in danger isn't it you're all

just daring me to enter that contest go

ahead and enter my dad and I will wipe

the floor of you anyway we wait every

here oh is that so Mr Russian hockey

team well all right you just threw down

the gauntlet from here on in I'm in

training I'm going to go home I'm going

to pull out the Nautilus I'm going to

slather myself up with Ben g*y I'm going

to put on the kids and run maybe 12

miles can I get a little more chocolate

sauce on this by Saturday I'm looking

like Buster

crab isn't he dead I look like him

before he died wasn't he like 90 years

old how do you even know who Buster Krab

is you're 10 years old and you know who

Buster Krab is that's sick

sick stand in the place where you live

now think about dire and wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you having

people stand in the place where you live

now face about dire and wonder why you

have it now in the place where you were

now the place where you live wonder why

you never stand in the place where you

are so

stand it's panan no it's Carter

no well it's Jefferson took you long

enough well it's hard to see through all

this damn

syrup breakfast has become so much more

interesting since we got these

presidential commemorative plates I knew

we'd enjoy them but never to this extent

gladus was Jefferson assassinated no of

course not I guess it's a chip in the

plate hey Dad look what I found while I

was rumaging through the attic it's your

old potato sack oh look your old racing

sack from the newspaper boy Father and

Son games glce I thought we had the

attic sealed up during our Exorcist

Panic dad remember this is the one we

lost the trophy with in ' 65 and then we

came back to lose again in ' 66 and then

we really pulled it together in 68 when

you ruptured a

disc but why does that bring back

memories yeah like being humiliated and

spit

on dad do you ever miss it I mean the

thrill of competition the win in your

hair as you hop down the field eating

the dust of your BS and remember you

were both quite pitiful in the egg races

too that's right you ever think about

maybe I don't know reliving those

glorious failures of yester year no

never that's what I thought and that's

why I signed us both up for the

newspaper boy father and Sund day oh

Fred are you out of your

mind I would never repeat never put

myself through that living hell again

Dad come on that was back then you know

you weren't really in the best of shape

back then I mean now you're in your mid

to late 60s you're 50 to 20 PBS heavier

your cholesterol's up and you've got

those really tough hard arteries you're

an animal now

dad I think it's a wonderful idea F and

I think it would be nice if you two did

something together for a change what

glus it's not like that Cats in the

Cradle song he's lived here for 30 years

boy you really know what buttons to push

dad

I don't want you two drifting apart

remember what happened to that boy up

the street his father didn't spend

enough time with him so he hitchhiked

across the country leaving a trail of

bodies in his

way oh at least it got him out of the

house come on dad please no please no

please

no well okay I guess I'm just going to

have to make the old face oh jeez yeah I

think if you remember I got my first set

of Hot Wheels thanks to the face I got

the mod hair GI Joe thanks to the face

and uh well something the two of you

probably don't know um thanks to the

face I lost my

virginity you can't do the face anymore

you haven't got the chops it used to be

cute but now it's pathetic come on dad

you know you're going to crack like a

cheap suit yeah right all right you ask

for it here I

go

oh it's so cute it's like having our

little Chris back I'm not

looking

oh it's so ugly it's it's worse than I

remember but at least you can't keep it

up forever oh

yeah watch

me

good morning mother good morning

Father all right it's been 3 days you

win enough I give up if it's so

important to you I'll do it oh Dad

thanks thanks Dad you're not going to

regret this we're going to have a ball

Chris I said I'd do it you drop the face

now I actually dropped it two days ago

it's frozen like

[Music]

this

[Music]

[Laughter]

oh

hey and Dad I'm pumping enough

adrenaline to light up Vegas we are

going to be the HPS of father and Sunday

I think we have the advantage that they

let us use our own

spoons

it's not exactly the way I remember it

how about

you you know Dad I know it looks pretty

bad but it's really just fun in games

come on let's

go

hi hi so you guys are signing up mhm

helmets

padding and you're going to need to sign

his release form in case you get

paralyzed for your comfort Peace of Mind

you'll notice we got a lot more

ambulances here than last year I'm not

going to run out of oxygen

again particularly I like that that's it

I'm a do come on dad you're much much

more than that come on let's give it a

chance

huh good afternoon everybody I want to

welcome you all to the Father and Son

Gladiator

battle I see some familiar faces out

there good to have you back in

ambulatory in on in recent years the

trend has been away from competition and

a win at all cost

mentality but not here w

here there's only going to be one

winning team and the rest of you

are well

losers and who would you rather be on a

plane with I know my

choice okay they're nuts look dad so

it's not a complete loss I'll race you

to the

car so you actually at the guts to show

up yeah yeah we're here but uh yeah I

don't think we're going to stay it

doesn't look uh challenging enough for

us uh we'd be bored it's pretty much

just baby games here see I told you

they'd wuss out didn't and I did call me

Rick three-time fatherson Gladiator

battle Champion part-time welder how you

doing where's your kid uh I don't have

any children I'm

Baron wait a minute you mean you're

going to compete in this thing with

Granny

here what did you just call my dear papa

oh doesn't matter Papa granny no no you

wait a second yes we're going to compete

and let me tell you something we're

going to win and we're going to win for

one reason and one reason only and guess

what I'm not going to tell you that

reason see that's all part of our little

strategy here and you're already psyched

out well now if you'll excuse us my dad

and I are going to go do some warm-up

squats come on Otto it's going to be fun

kicking the crap out of those guys I

love you

Dad father and

you know Chris at first I didn't want to

do this because I was afraid of being

humiliated but now I don't want to do it

because I'm afraid I'll

die come on dad we can't back out now

all the newspaper boys are here our

family name and honor is at stake why

don't we just dress up as women and

sneak off like our ancestors did on the

Titanic nah come on dad let's be men for

once in our lives shall we come on now

before we start the first event as usual

I'd like to remind everyone to play

safely and

fairly and as usual I expect you all to

ignore

that that's why we have Dr Kramer here

come on up here

doc I just like to say that I hope no

one

dies probably someone will just a

statistical reality with a gathering

this large

okay the first event is called having to

stay on these pedestals as long as you

can without getting knocked

off first teams are in

place

ready okay the next Challengers are Fred

and Chris now

Peterson we don't stand a chance against

those He Man Dad don't worry the brain

is more powerful than the body we'll

defeat him with our minds I wish I was

dead watch this time time Mr referee

excuse me uh I know that man up there

and he's not a father he's only a

stepfather get them out of my

sight

oh my I guess it's a

default okay the replacement team is

Rick andado the

[Applause]

Walters time time Mr

referee all right Dad look just

concentrate okay we're going to win this

one just imagine you're a brick wall

rooted 100 ft in the ground don't let

any anything take your mind off that

just think brick wall brick wall you're

hey look there's mom wait Dad it's Mom

hi that wasn't so bad it's kind of like

playing badminton huh what

jerks now now it's payback

time you know I'm actually starting to

get good at this falling thing just let

your face catch the brunt of it Dad it's

Nature's shock absorber hey Peterson

your strategy seems to be working we're

getting more psyched out by the

minute you know they're such idiots they

don't realize my head's ringing so so

loudly I can't hear a word they're

saying is that my tooth or

yours this next one takes a little

testosterone it's one I like to call

trying to stay on the beam while

medicine ba*ls are being thrown at you

without getting knocked up you know Dad

this one isn't very much different than

the spoons thing with the exception of

the possibility of snapping our spinal

cords go

go

I'm really starting to lose my patience

I would like a hamburger and a special

cheese shake some chocolate sauce I

bless you and thank you for shopping

McDonald's I want you coherent when I

tell you off oh Dad hi did we win see

guys I told you Chris was nothing

special no Chris say it isn't true yeah

you don't know what you're talking about

we're just saving our strength right Dad

right for the ride home yeah

right come on dad great we're going home

huh no Dad we have two more events we're

doing so well oh forget it Chris dad

those are the people I work with now I

need their respect for that you can't go

too lousy events I can go to events but

your mother's worried

sick oh let's get it the hell over with

great listen this one's really easy all

you have to do is Hoist me up on your

shoulders and then run as fast as you

can for 250 yards that's a snap

[Applause]

okay keep your head up keep your head

uput nothing can stop us

now

right nice form losers you

stink dad oh Dad I'm sorry

dad I shouldn't have put you through

this oh we can't compete with them

anymore but you know what that's okay we

had our time I mean we failed back then

too but it was our time and they can't

take those memories away from us and you

know what maybe we can distort those

memories enough and one day believe that

we were actually

winners do you know what I'm trying to

say Dad I want to quit I want to go home

well you p*nsy face wuss girl I'm sorry

I can't believe you want to quit after

all we've been through I don't know

about you but I'm sick of being pushed

around by those pathetic weasels over

there you can sit here on your candy

bottom and crochet a little doll's house

to play in but I'm going to go rack me

up a body

count let me get this straight dad you

want me to stay here while you go get

the car out of my way boy it's clobber

time

come on want a piece of

me you're the disease I'm the medicine

get me c of a

hook is that the best you got dirt

[Music]

bags

what do you looking that smiley here's

one for you lady heard

that alone get off him leave him alone

it's not his fault he's going through

the change it's male menopause he just

had a hot flash for crying out loud

don't worry dad we'll stick by you no

matter what and we'll come and visit you

unless it's one of those maxximum

security things because frankly I find

those rather depressing let me let me

hold it down let me have your attention

while the paramedics gather up the

scattered remains of those weak need

losers let me take an opportunity to

present this trophy to Fred and Chris

Peterson the Father and Son team whove

most captured the spirit of these games

winning at all

costs never before have I seen such a

blatant disregard for rules and other

people's safety it's going to be a tough

record to beat next

year wow Dad we won something we

actually won something and look at mom

I've never seen her look

happier we're winners no thanks to you

p*nsy I love you

Dad

GE Chris

congratulations I guess I was wrong you

really are someone to look up to a

duh you Tau lesson about yourself and

about old people how they should be

respected and uh even

feared but most importantly that they

have a value in society oh that's sweet

would your little friends like some

chicken Chris who's the old ha

no I'm just kidding we really did learn

a meaningful lesson today all right you

little twerps get out of here I'll see

you bright and early

Monday boy dad you really made me proud

that you're my father today yeah it was

great I I just wish they hadn't stopped

me before I could pulverize those wimps

in the second

row boy what a great day to be a

Peterson

oh you know I want to thank you Dad but

I'm not sure I know how oh wait a second

I think I know

how and the Cats in the Cradle and the

silver spoon little boy blue and the Man

in the Moon when you coming home Dad I

don't know when but we'll get together

then Dad we're going to have a good

[Music]

time

woohoo just four more days till the

season premiere of the simpon I can't

wait later tonight hoe Mandel stars in a

new Fox comedy good grief now stay tuned

for Married with Children

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