01x06 - Paperboy 2000

[bunniefuu]

how do I

look Fred would you like to take this

one well it's not an outfit I would have

put together but it looks very smart on

you son you're not going outside with

that wet hair are you dear Mom my hair

isn't wet I put Vitalis in it look it's

in a cool duct tail just like

dad's Chris you're not becoming one of

those Mafia Wise Guy Good Fellas are

you come on that kind of break takes the

sort of connections I just don't have no

I'm all dressed up like this because my

boss wants to see me and I think it's

because I'm getting a

promotion a promotion oh Chris that's

wonderful do you think it'll be a desk

job man please no I'm as much a part of

the streets as the gum on the sidewalk

as as the cigarette butts and the cracks

as the worms that come out after a

summer's rain to make Sweet Love Under

the hot afternoon

sun I'm sorry I'm getting way too poetic

no I'll never give up the streets well

it's nice to see such dedication it's

asinine and it's misguided but it's

dedication they probably want to expand

my territory to reward a job well done

but you know what it's going to cost

them here's my list of

Demands uh apply cream to affected area

twice daily oh I'm sorry that's my

ointment instructions

don't ask D don't worry I won't maybe

you should just accept what they offer

you dear ma that's the kind of roll over

attitude that has us still driving a

Monte Carlo instead of a hovercraft CH

you can't drive a hovercraft on the

highway dad I don't want to get into

this argument with you again okay the

point is I have the newspaper right

where I want them here's my realistic

demands I need a padded seat for my bike

a thermos and a mistress on 24-hour call

7 days a week

good luck

dear glce if they give him a mistress

I'm getting a paper

[Music]

rout stand in the place where you live

now think about your soon wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you have

people stand in the place where you live

now out Direction wonder why you have it

now in the place where you were

now place where you live wonder why you

hav stand in the place where you

are so

stand yourself at home Peterson thanks

Ronnie Peterson how long have you been a

paper boy uh well let's see now there is

uh one two three uh 18 years in

January well for many of those 18 years

you've been a valued employee

well thanks Ronnie I I think I know what

you're trying to say and as you know

here at the paper we're always looking

for ways to improve performance well

yeah me too like when I was taking

steroids remember it's terrible what

happens when you stop though the muscle

just turns right to

Fat now this chart represents the

productivity we can expect from the

average 12-year-old paper boy of course

your results are somewhat better since

you've mastered the job over the last

two decades are you with me so far uh

well actually to be honest I'm a little

more comfortable with pig graphs but

please continue well as as you can see

we've had generally good performance

with just a few dips representing sick

days and vacations but on the whole

we've been quite pleased with the

results I think I know what's

coming that's why we're sorry to lose

you I don't know what you're talking

about there's a new paper boy in town

let me introduce paper boy

2000 the Hightech answer to newspaper

delivery this machine does the work of

all our paper boys faster and in a much

more economical fashion in fact we

estimate Savings of up to $4 a week $4 a

week I know it doesn't sound like much

but over the course of a year it really

adds

up well I guess if you put it that way

it does kind of sound impressive wow

what a day you got this fancy new

machine and I'm getting a raise let's go

out and have a party

you're not comprehending this are you

you're

fired

what well this is just a blatant case of

sexual discrimination cut and dry and

wrapped up with a little bow no it's

because of paper boy 2000 Time Marches

on Peterson soon paper boy 2000 will be

a staple of American Life mark my words

Peterson if Norman Rockwell were alive

today he'd be painting this

baby Norman Rockwell's dead

gosh you know I just need about 5 hours

of quiet time alone in this office

please don't worry Peterson I'm sure

you'll land on your feet well to be

honest I have my doubts about that

anyway pass the news on to the other

paper boys tomorrow is your last

day do you think it would be possible on

my last date for you to provide me with

a

mistress oh Dr Kramer thanks for coming

Mrs Whitman we're here to support you

Chris you know Chris losing a job is one

of the leading causes of stress related

illness so whatever you do try not to

die

I'll try doc this is a terrible thing

being replaced by a machine it's like

1984 uh the year is 1990 doc but uh I

appreciate the sentiment all right let's

get started let's settle down let's

settle down people I know we're all so

anxious to hear from our own Chris

Peterson he called this meeting to

discuss his paper root but first is

there any other

business Sharon Potter very

well thank you Mrs

trogden residents of Greenville we are

all in grave danger the results of the

tests are in and it has been confirmed

there are dangerously high levels of

radon in greenville's basement now we

must do something about this problem

Shar whoa boy w*r of the world oh

they're all coming down with Ray g*ns so

scared okay I think officer Bell has

some documents for you to There She Goes

Sharon Potter ladies and gentlemen

wasn't she

wonderful my always with the Hollywood

causes she insulted me and she insulted

all of you but now she's gone it's like

somebody open a window in here

huh now on to things we all really care

about as most of you have already

probably heard all the paper boys were

fired

today that's right but but the worst

thing about all of this is that we're

being replaced by a machine

no now I know that as a paper boy I have

a few faults no Chris you're a great

paper boy Larry I know it just added a

nice Rhythm to my speech no machine

could replace you this is an

outrage wait before you make a decision

I think you should hear more about our

high-tech

friend picture having your paper

delivered by a state-ofthe-art

Sleek

shiny whisper quiet robotic

buddy with its own guidance system wow

our very own robot are you saying it's

just like living in outer space yes very

much like living in space you mean like

the Jetson yes the

Jetson when can we see it it's idling

right

outside wait wait no don't go it's a

trick he's the devil don't go Larry

Larry you're my best friend how can you

do this to me I don't know it just

sounds kind of

neat God that's really great what a

great

IDE

it's cooler than the

Batmobile wait don't go folks it's just

a fad remember what happened with the

metric system everybody had such high

hopes and then

[Music]

nothing BR he's been so depressed since

he lost his job to paper boy 2000 well

on the bright side we have been getting

the paper earlier and in better

condition plus it's a lot like living in

space hi Dad hi Mom Mom a you're in an

awfully good mood this morning that's

right you know last night I realized I

had to think things out so I gave myself

a full body herbal rub

down and I realized that I really should

have given up my paper r a long time ago

yeah like maybe when you were 12 years

old you know I know now that somewhere

out there there's got to be a better job

for me I mean I could be anything I

could be a a Jet Pilot or or maybe a

policeman or the president of the United

States or maybe a cowboy

the point is I'm not going to let this

get me down I'm going to go out there

I'm going to pound the pavement until I

find a better job and I'm not going to

let anything between the Moon and New

York City stop

me this door is

locked oh who am I kidding I failed I'm

a

loser well he gave it his best shot

flatus

oh come

in oh Chris are you okay your father and

I are worried about you right Fred oh my

God look at this garbage

scow I didn't realize how bad off you

really were Chris you completely

bottomed out oh no Fred his room's

always been this vile and disgusting

he's just kind of a

pig no dad you're right I have just kind

of let myself go look at me I look like

Foster Brooks remember he's the

gentleman from those roasts and he'd

come out and needd Hiccup and we know

who he is Chris oh make us laugh and

forget our problems for a while I could

sure go for a visit from Good Old Foster

Brooks right about

now you think too much TV as a kid can

make you an idiot well I I miss my old

job I miss sitting snugly on my bicycle

seat going over particularly bumpy parts

of the road and thinking about

girls Fred say something to him give him

one of your pep

talks Chris knock it off you're driving

us

nuts yeah I think we got through to them

let's get the hell out of

here R look kids paper boy 2000 I never

thought we'd live to see something like

this in our

lifetime oh nice job glus my little

speech was just beginning to sink in oh

honey I'm sorry I'm tring to miss you

delivering our newspapers to us but it's

not your fault no one can beat a machine

a

machine wait a second ma that's exactly

what I'm going to do I'm going to wait

what am I going to do a machine yeah

that

thanks

thanks he's going to make a horse's a*s

out of

[Music]

himself

oh

[Music]

w

[Music]

they want high tech I'll give them high

tech hey look everybody hey it's just

like living in space it's nothing like

living in space you

Chris remember no matter what

happens today they can't take away your

dignity because you pretty much did that

yourself with that

outfit Larry if I don't make it I want

you to know that my will is underneath

my mattress in my bedroom I'm leaving

everything to my parents except for my

dirty laundry I'm leaving that to Sharon

the specific ORD that she separate the

colors when she washes them because even

though I'll be dead I'll still want my

color separated she's got to do it right

I mean if it's my last wish it's the law

she's going to be so

peed look everybody here comes paper boy

2000 uh excuse me could somebody tell me

which end of this Tin Can is the butt

because I'm just about to kick

it

you know Peterson you're a gutsy

emotionally troubled kid and well

between us I hope you

win who am I kidding I don't want you to

win I look like a total

idiot all right everybody

ready

set

I knew it GL quick let's Sleek away

before someone notices the family

resemblance are you okay I'm okay well

actually you did better than I thought

you would I figed you'd just fall over

and set your clothes on fire Larry I'm

not an idiot I guess it's over Chris

yeah I guess so I guess Socrates was

right you just can't can't beat a big

high-tech computer-driven newspaper

delivery system but you know what I'm

man enough to take my failure and

stride you son of a

[Music]

God it's gone Goofy on

us

oh no paper voice from pass is headed

right for that baby

carriage

[Music]

boy that was close can you imagine if

there' been a baby in there

Chris that was brilliant what did you do

to finally get it to stop I don't know I

think it just kind of ran out of gas

Chris you're a hero if it wasn't for you

this baby carriage could have needed

major

repairs well Peterson I guess you made

your point

paper boy 2000 is Flawless except if

someone kicks it in the tire it turns

into an outof control k*lling machine

it's starting to make sense why they

banned this thing in Eastern Europe I'm

beginning to think that the risk to

innocent people outweighs the extra $4 a

week for human paper boys you know

something pending approval from the head

office we're rehiring all the old paper

boys wait a second maybe I don't want

your little job back huh do you ever

think about about that maybe I want to

be the tin foil Woodsman in the town

adored by all the children from now

on well you've got a better offer no I

said maybe come on what are you talking

about of course I want my job back hey

everybody I'm

back and you know something I think

we've all kind of learned a valuable

lesson here today that a man no matter

how puny or bald or overweight or

bearded can still have a place in

today's society that's mostly ruled by

corporate bitty Bobby booby Boos and

that one man's voice can still be heard

over the endless drone of of those that

seem to drone on endlessly and actually

what we shouldn't do is chitchat really

for tomorrow is Labor

Day Hey where's everyone

going

[Music]

Howe Mandel singing to the Cub Scouts of

America don't ask just watch it's an all

new good grief later tonight this Friday

John Walsh hits the streets of New York

to show you how violent crime is

crippling the city and how ordinary

citizens are fighting back on America's

Most Wanted stay tuned now for Married

with Children

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