01x14 - Chris Wins a Celebrity

[bunniefuu]

thanks Brian that's hot stuff hi and

welcome back to sy's laugh and song

jackpot I'm your host Sandy Connors

thank you and coming up in the next half

hour we've got Mr James Brolin with us

also uh Al Grandpa Lewis is here again

and Eric Estrada is going to stop by and

give us a little karate demonstration

but before we get to all that something

very very exciting is about to take

place in a few seconds I will be

choosing the winner to our win a weekend

with Sandy contest okay girls come on

out nice dress I think it took more

fabric to make one of my hankies

here you know I k*ll girls that way

don't sit so close to the television

you'll ruin your eyes sitting close of

the TV doesn't ruin your eyes glus it

causes sterility oh that's a

relief s's just about to announce the

winner of the win a weekend with Sandy

Connor's contest and my name's somewhere

in that Barrel win a weekend with Sandy

Conor are you nuts only a simp would

want to spend time with that

guy Sandy Connor is my idol he's one of

the greatest entertainers of the 20th

century he's up there with Lawrence

Olivier and Irving Berlin and the guy

who played e on Green Acres the

winner Mr Chris

Peterson

Slam in his

face oh I forgot to turn the drop oh

sorry Mr Peterson forgot to roll the

drum over here so I guess you're

disqualified there's another lawsuit huh

honey I'm

sorry I'm really

disappointed okay that's the most

exercise I've had since my pet monkey

ate a pound of coffee and chased me down

the block with a steak Knife I don't

know where it goes but it's just a again

okay all right the winner

is Chris Peterson

what do you think I'm a I sent in

3,000

postcards uh Mr Peterson unless my

lawyers can figure out some way of

getting me out of this horrible ordeal I

will be at your home this weekend

meeting you and your family and your

friends Lord I'm starting to feel

[Applause]

ill stand in the place where you live

now think about dire and wonder why you

have it now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you hav people

stand in the place where you live

now out dire wonder why you have't now

stand in the place where you were now

face way

the place where you live wonder why you

hav stand in the place where you

are Chris would you please sit down

you're making me nervous sit down Dad I

can't sit down at a time like this s's

going to be here any second hey better

couple of these crying out loud you're

not going to kiss the are you this is

more exciting than the day we waited for

Sears to deliver our new trash compactor

yeah but why do we have to wait up here

there's a bowl of fresh nuts in the

living room excuse me DB I'm sorry but

the living room's just a little too

unhit for Sandy come on my place is more

happening it's more more now more with

it oh yeah man I really feel the beat in

here he's here he's

here

Sandy okay that ought to do it nice

seeing you sir no no s it's me Chris

Peterson the contest

winner yeah I had that horrible

feeling nice out B manage tire

store we're always on aren't we

boy Sandy Connor's in my home yeah well

I think the word home is being a little

generous here don't

you what the hell is

that that Sandy is the throne I've been

making all week for

you isn't it

fanciful uh well um Sandy come right

over here I'd like you to meet my

parents um this is my mother glattus oh

it's a pleasure to meet you personally I

never found you very funny but I think

you have a very nice speaking voice well

thank you ma'am I appreciate the support

and this is my Father Fred Peterson yeah

Fred you know on television you look a

lot younger whole are you anyway about

60 I'm uh

42 sir and I'm Buzz Aldren yeah well

anyway I was just dropping by to say

hello you know on my way to the Marriott

and I figured maybe tomorrow you guys

could come by and we'll take a little

picture out there by the lobby okay and

then I'll be on my way it's been a real

pleasure um I'm sorry Sandy um I didn't

understand that last part was that one

of your jokes well you didn't think I'd

be staying here now did you I mean that

really would be a little bit silly don't

you think I mean not to mention

unpleasant and

horrifying oh Sandy oh dear sweet

innocent naive

Sandy Sandy do you know what this is

this is a copy of the official rules to

the win a weekend with Sandy contest now

Sandy it clearly states here that you

are required to spend 48 hours with me

now if you're going to challenge me I'll

run right over to the mall and get

myself a lawyer

no you know I guess if guys can spend

their entire life in Attica I can put up

with two days of

this I hope I haven't made a horrible

mistake here are you allowed to eat ham

me oh yes ma'am I can eat ham really for

some reason we thought you were Jewish

you are from newor

York St Louis you people done your

homework I'm not Jewish okay I think we

hit a s was we just beat I'm starving

the last thing I had was a hot dog at

the

airport we thought we'd have you say

grace tonight Sandy it's an honor we

only bestow on special

guests oh

jeez oh

jeez uh look why don't we all just uh

meditate silently to

ourselves I had a feeling he'd crap out

on the

[Music]

prayer what did you wish for Sandy oh

don't tell me it won't come true it's a

prayer you not a birthday cake

settle down you

two

so you're an

Entertainer

entertainers yes sing us a song or or do

a magic trick on Dad come on crying out

loud he's not a performing seal let the

man eat his dinner in peace

jeez Sandy do you feel like maybe doing

a little break dancing for

us is there a g*n rack around here

somewhere

did you hear that M that was one he

starting to tell

jokes I didn't get it I'll tell you what

ah if you folks will let me out of here

I will buy you one of those big

projection

TVs it's like a little game of chess

isn't it Sandy the only problem is I own

boardwalk and you keep landing on

it oh jeez

are we praying

again well thank you for the lovely

dinner but it's been kind of a long day

for me I think maybe if you'll point me

toward the guest room I'll just call

tonight guest room you can't stay in the

guest room I know what you show business

people are like you just trash the place

besides we just set off a tick b*mb in

there yeah the cats loaded with them so

you better check yourself in the shower

beautiful so where am I supposed to

sleep hi

Sandy twinkle twinkle Chrissy's bed a

place to lay my wey head Chris Chris

Chris I'm exhausted so where am I

supposed to

sleep there is not a chance in

hell okay fine Sandy that's the way you

want it

fine oh yeah that's a good idea why

don't you sleep on the sofa but I warn

you it's loaded with

chers why don't you guys just buy some

screen doors or something you know

that's easy for you to say but not all

of us make $90 million a

week come on Sandy come on let's just

make the best of it morning will be here

before you

know Sandy can I ask you a question no

do you think the American Dental

Association has a cure for tooth decay

but it's just keeping it a secret I me

think about it they'd lose Millions

would they Chris why don't you just go

in the bathroom and have a couple swis

of Nyquil huh you know it's it's funny

you should mention the bathroom because

um that's something I'll be doing an

awful lot of tonight I have a bladder

like a

woman

lovely good night good

night

oh what

what midnight snacks no no

okay well if you change your mind

there's a couple of pickles wrapped in a

napkin in my sock drawer so help

yourself

Chris you're driving me nuts I mean

don't you ever sleep you're like this

skitzy little Chihuahua who's just

whining to go

out I'm sorry

boy some pajama party this turned out to

be look it's not a pajama party you

dork it's 2:00 in the morning and I'm my

head is throbbing start to feel

rashy Sandy what want to see my appendix

scar so um I take it you're getting a

little

drowsy oh

oh good morning

Sandy oh did we sleep well last night

maybe it was my imagination but I

thought I heard you cursing at one point

go to

hell we're not a morning person are we

I'll tell you what you need Sandy you

need a little sunlight in here that's

what you need here we go Oopsy Daisy oh

there we are woo

sky rockets in

flight Afternoon Delight good morning oh

jeez we got to get going we've got a

busy day ahead of us come on first we're

going to have my big Sunday breakfast

loads and loads of bacon and lots of

Sprite and then I'm going to take you

outside and parade you up and down the

street and show you to all my friends in

the neighborhood and then I'm going to

hey Sandy what are you doing with your

shoes putting them on because I'm

leaving I'm getting the hell out of here

I hate you I hate your family I hate

this little lawnmower shed you live

in all right Sandy as I see it I have

two options in front of me right now one

I could cry oh and believe me I could do

that very

easily two I could remember that it's

Hollywood that's made you a shallow

cynical human being inside Sandy I'm

going to take you out today and show you

a world that's full of life hope and and

laughter

oh please

don't thinking of working up my looking

forward to a little

afternoon R sticks and St together makes

the SP night and the you is getting so

excited sky rocket in

Flight

afternoon

Afternoon

Delight started out this morning feeling

so po I always thought a fish could not

be C A didn't bite but you got some bit

waiting and I think I might like a

little little Afternoon

Delight

for

down thinking working up my appetite

looking forward to a little Afternoon

Delight R sticks and STS together make

the Sparks ignite and the r you is

getting so exciting skyrockets in

Flight Afternoon

Delight oh boy oh boy oh boy oh you know

I can't remember the last time that I

felt this free and happy although I'm

going to be honest with you now when I

first set foot in this house and I first

met you and your parents I sincerely

thought I was in

Hell sure sure but now Chris boy thanks

to

you my whole outlook has changed cuz you

know who needs Show Business

anyway who needs the mansion

who needs the leather sofas and the

Lincoln

Continentals nope I'm all through with

that but what exactly are you saying

Sandy I'm moving in with you buddy never

leaveing

[Music]

ever good morning folks what you you

doing have a little breakfast no we're

spot welding Plumbing

fixtures you know you're a real

character Mr Peterson if I hadn't quit

my TV show I'd have you on one of my

wacky old people

segments incidentally you're all out of

laundry detergent again so I threw in a

cake of Safeguard I hope that doesn't

screw anything

up Mrs

P would you get me a beer out of the

refrigerator yeah you all done sir yeah

great not a big fan of blueberry

pancakes you know for future reference I

just like them plain but uh no hard

feelings

huh there he is there's my best friend

in the whole world how you doing

pal he Chris what do you want to do

today huh you you want to build a couple

goat carts Sandy I don't have time for

crap like that I work for a living okay

yeah hey that reminds me did you have a

chance to talk to your boss about

getting me one of those little paper

rout deals it sounds like so much fun

yeah yeah I did Sandy and uh um he said

there weren't any openings right now

really did you tell them I used to have

my own TV

show oh there's that big slobbery dog

from next door I'm going to go wrestle

with him for a while be

right I can't take it anymore he's he's

driving me crazy well I warned you but

as usual you wouldn't listen to me next

time honey try to win a nicer celebrity

someone like Gary

Collin believe me I've learned my lesson

oh boy show business people are nothing

but worthless losers who should be

admired only from

afar if I can only figure out a way how

to get rid of

Sandy why don't we plant our credit

cards on them and then call the cops who

phony

twac middle American Average

Joe b*stards hey I know I could take him

to the zoo at Miller's town and then

dump him there that's about 100 miles

away no he just find his way back we

could always k*ll

him all right you want me gone I'm gone

I knew I shouldn't have tried to make

friends with a bunch

of

hillbillies sandy sandy sandy wait

Sandy

boy

Sandy oh come on Sandy we didn't mean it

you're a joy to be

around Sandy leave me alone you burhe

headed Pillow

Biter what are you doing up there is

that any way for a multi-million

celebrity to act

jeez boy here I come

oh

s oh

my hey uh

Sandy excuse me I don't think you're

aware of this but uh this is one of

those non-smoking

trees Chris I know why you're here

you're going to try and talk me into

coming back and living with you uh

actually no Sandy not at all in fact I

don't ever want you to come back well

fine I'll just stay up here until I'm a

rotting corpse and I stink up the whole

neighborhood nice town you got dead

people in the

tree Sandy you know when I first met you

I said to myself now now here's a guy I

can really look up to I mean he's

everything that I'd want to be one day

he's he's Rich he's he's famous he's

he's goodlooking he's he's snotty come

on Chris you make me sound like Joe

garagiola

but you know what Sandy I'm not the only

one that looks up to you I mean you

literally have hundreds of fans out

there and you know it's not fair for me

to keep you all to myself I mean these

people they depend on you you have a

Cris show business is it's so grueling

it's 5 hours of work every week it's

having to wear those horrible synthetic

hair

pieces yes but it's also very rewarding

isn't it Sandy you make people laugh in

a in a world where laughter is is kind

of a precious commodity like like coffee

and and jam and

gloves that's

true not to mention I

get truckload of

money and incredible amounts of

tail exactly now that's the Sandy I know

well you know you're absolutely right

Chris yeah I didn't come this far in my

career to abandon everything and move in

with a guy that throws a baseball like a

ballerina exactly no I was absolutely

obviously put on this Earth to uh

entertain America and take home a fat

paycheck huh so as long as there is

breath left in this old body of mine

that is exactly what I am going to do

thank you

Chris no

you

oh

oh

boy

Sandy when will I see you again oh Chris

you can see me anytime you want in fact

thanks for asking I will be at the uh

Tropicana Hotel March 19th to the 23rd

from there it's down to beautiful Miami

Beach Florida the fountain blue last

time Bob cult showed up surprised me

he's a and then from there out to the

coast I'll be a guest on Match Game PM

you check your local listings for time

and station bye

oh goodbye sweet

Sandy I Shan Forget

[Music]

You creator of Star Wars and Raiders of

the Lost Arc comes an epic story of

Courage adventure and of course romance

what are you starring at your leg I'd

like to break it Val Kilmer stars in the

broadcast premiere Willow tomorrow on

Fox night of the movies now stay tuned

for Married with Children

[Music]

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