01x16 - Married

[bunniefuu]

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stand in the place where you live now

face think about Direction wonder why

you have't now stand in the place where

you were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you hav't

people stand in the place where you

now about dire wonder why you have it

now in the place where you were

now the place where you live wonder why

you have stand in the place where you

are so

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stand good morning Mama and Papa o today

is a very special day for me every day

seems to be a special day for you son

and frankly we're getting pretty sick of

it oh today I really mean it guess is

going to be at drexler's department

store my

soulmate you mean that weird guy in

Sporting Goods who has a strange

stink no no we lost touch recently no

this is even better now brace yourselves

it's that gorgeous supermodel SL actress

Nicolet

Preston that's right I read she was in

town Hawking some snake oil with her

name on it it's perfume ma here

smell I'm finally going to meet the

woman of my dreams oh it's going to be

wonderful we'll probably talk for for

hours on end and and then maybe we'll

even share some raisins which at this

very moment are getting nice and gushy

in my

pants Chris honey I would never be the

one to CR crush your most precious

fragile hopes and dreams but if you were

lying on the ground almost dead from

thirst nicholet Preston wouldn't take

the time to spit in your

face here here you're both

wrong don't you see we share a special

connection one that can only be formed

after spending hours staring at her

picture in a magazine or or sitting

through endless showings of her latest

film until my clothes are all damp with

saturated fats and my rear is all numb

and swollen

so much for

breakfast nicolet's got to have felt

that connection herself in her mind and

in her heart and and in her bladder I

don't know why they but

I what if she doesn't oh Dad please I

don't even want to begin to think of the

ramifications of that nightmare

possibility let's just say that the word

bloodbath comes to

mind no I'm just joking or am I I don't

know who said that not me him who you

plus tax

who

five bucks says he's in jail by

noon ow great I'm going to have to stand

in this line of idiots for

hours maybe I should just think of an

ingenious way to get ahead of all of

them the hell with that all right move

move move it out of the way all right

move it move it jarad make room for a

real fan come on I like her better than

you do come on move it very nice okay

pal very nice I was going to make an

exciting entry into your diary isn't it

off watch the tow head over there it

looks like a major psycho you poor

thing I bet you have to put up with

losers like him all day huh some days

are longer than

others Miss

Preston my name is is Chris

Peterson and I am your

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soulmate wow boy the static electricity

really builds up in this

carpet no one's ever made me feel like

that before really well it's all for

real I mean you can search me for a joy

buzzer if you

[Laughter]

want you're so

funny no one's ever made me laugh like

that wow well I guess my faithful

reading of the Family Circus comic every

day is finally paid

off I love the family

circus really isn't it just fall damn

funny what's your favorite color peach

mine too your favorite song Billy don't

be a hero mine

too what's your favorite Bugs Bunny

cartoon the one where Daffy keeps trying

to get bugs k*lled by hunters but he

keeps getting shot himself and his bill

keeps winding up in all different places

on his face Yes Yes mine too I can't

believe it look I even wrote it down in

case situation arose where I had to

prove it to somebody look you see it

right here now my synopsis may vary a

little bit from yours but I think it's

pretty

much what are those just some raisins

I adore raisins look I keep them right

here in my pocket so they'll get on nice

and

gushy we are

like

soulmates I Told You nicholet Come Away

With Me Away from from all of

this I can't I mean look at all the

people are

waiting let them all go to Hades

this is the chance of a

lifetime trust

me where we

go jeez I don't know I how about a ride

in a speedboat

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[Applause]

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okay I knew it get

him oh

no it's okay we're we're just running

off together oh

sorry oh Chris I've never had so much

fun in all my life yeah me neither I

think it's time you meet my

parents okay Chris for God's sake

abducting a celebrity is a major felony

they'll hang you up by your Buster

Browns boy jeez mom and dad you're

embarrassing me come on gosh every time

I bring a woman home you act like I

kidnapped her okay so one time I did

come on that was 3 years

ago what do I have to do to convince you

that she really likes me well I'd go

over and see if she makes a run for

it oh

okay I'll be damned she must be

nuts so Mom Dad what do you think of her

well well she's sure not hard on the

eyes and she doesn't strike me as

particularly

[ __ ] Nicolet what do you think of them

I've met

worse now I guess the next step is

painfully

obvious

nicholet will you marry

me that's it he's there born yes Chris I

[Applause]

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will holy

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too thank you for coming on such short

notice Chris this is incredible just

incredible do you realize that Miss

Preston surely you are aware of the many

facilities to which you could go for

therapy who is this [ __ ]

don't worry honey it's just an old

jilted

lover okay let's get this over with my

prostate feels bigger than a

basketball

lovely bless you

Milad I assume you've had your blood

tests uh yes in fact we did them

ourselves at home and everything tasted

fine do you have a ring do I have a ring

are you kidding me the kind of money she

makes she should buy me a ring

here you can use mine are you crazy that

could be her whole scam as soon as he

slips that ring on her finger she could

take off like a bat out of hell I trust

her but if that should turn out to be

the case so help me I will track you

down like a little brunette

animal do you Nicolet Preston take this

boy to be your lawful W husband I

do and do you Chris Peterson take this

woman to be your lawful wedded wife I

do okay I Now Pronounce You man and wife

you may kiss the bride oh yeah like I

really need your permission for

that oh Fred this is probably the most

special moment of our entire lives yeah

while I'm here could I get a fishing

license come on honey let's go

home

goodbye

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[Applause]

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goodbye Chris I'm sorry must have gotten

mixed in with the rice

somehow

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oh Chris beautiful that's such a

refreshing change from my rambling

Hollywood

Mansion I think I sprain my rear

carrying you up

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[Applause]

here

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oh Chris that was

incredible

oh yeah it sure was sorry about all the

fog I get it in here this time of

day Chico come

on you are

amazing no one in Hollywood could do

what you just did really not even Roy

Clark we going to be so happy together

aren't we oh you bet we're perfect for

each

other so what should we do

today well hm I'm going to read the

newspaper I've got about a week's worth

of catching up to do with my funnies

you're going to love this I'm going to

read them out loud I have a cute little

voice for all the characters

sounds like fun but I was kind of hoping

we could go to the

movies what I want to go to the

movies that's what I thought you said

what do you think I'm made of

money am I supposed to stay cooped up in

here all day while you read okay so now

you're cooped up you know this place

used to be fine with you it is fine but

you never take me

anywhere nicholet after a hard day at

work delivering newspapers I come home

and I'm tired okay and I deserve a

little rest and relaxation and I do not

want to be dragged all over the damn USA

well I'm tired too I'm tired of your

attitude will you stop nagging me all

you do is

complain why should I take you out

anyway you never dress up for me anymore

why should I we never go anywhere

because I'm not made of money so sick of

the same argument all the time you're

driving me crazy well you're driving me

me crazy go to

hell Nicolet wait niolet wait do the

hell with him who needs women

anyway oh my what's the matter dear yeah

did your higher brain function suddenly

kick in and you finally realized how you

threw away your entire life we had our

first fight but you two were getting

along so well yeah we were in the

beginning but not anymore he he won't

take me anywhere he started to take me

for

granted oh that sounds like exactly what

he's doing dear and you're just going to

have to get used to it what all the

Peterson men take their women for

granted it's a sacred tradition with

us all I wanted to do is go to the

movies movies what do you think he's

made of

money why Mr freeo you look like like

you're about to vomit don't be

ridiculous I can hold my

liquor hi Chrissy oh hi Patty I was just

wondering if I could borrow some sugar

sure how many bags do you

need just one

okay so what's new big guy uh

not a whole lot I got

married oh well congratulations I

thought I hadn't seen you around yeah

well married life kind of changes

everything I haven't seen any of my

friends lately still they say there's

nothing like it I guess I mean in the

beginning it was fine but I don't know

now we're going through kind of a rough

patch a that's too

bad well I just want you to know that

I'm available if you ever want to talk

about

it oh uh I think you better be going

now why I'm not in any

hurry

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Chris how could

you uh niolet honey sweetheart py poo I

swear we were just barbecuing don't lie

to me Chris we've been through too much

together for this well I really think I

ought to be going

now not so fast home wrecker no really I

just right across

the

oh okay honey so um maybe there was

something going on here but but I swear

it meant nothing to me it it was just a

meaningless little fling I mean it you

know it's probably what they're always

talking about you know the Seven Hour

Itch Che me Chris you had an affair in

in our house in our

bed okay so you made one little mistake

don't show any weakness now or she'll

own your butt

forever I'm sorry Nichol I'm sorry

please forgive me I beg you please we

can work this out can't we okay is I'm

willing to work on it if you are but we

can't do this alone we've got to get

counseling

huh I got to be honest here okay I think

you psychologists are all a bunch of

phony to- faced hypocritical Eggheads

who talk people into unnecessary liver

transplants and Second Story additions

to their houses okay so don't expect me

to tell you anything because you my dear

Miss Frankenstein are the

enemy

Mr Peterson you have the right to any

opinion you like regarding us and please

understand you're under no pressure at

all to say anything to

me once when I was 7 years old we were

cleaning out the garage and I didn't

have any work clothes and so my mommy

made me wear one of her old aprons and

it made me feel like a little

girl yes Chris do you think you could

talk about this kind of stuff in your

own time we're here to talk about our

relation

ship oh sure I'm sorry first of all I

think you should know that it usually

takes years to diagnose all the factors

in a couple's relationship and even then

reaching a proper conclusion is still

very difficult but in this case I think

it's safe to say that uh you too should

break

up break up oh immediately get a

divorce but but why we have so much in

common we seem to be so compatible I

agree but there's a much larger much

more important issue here you see you

are simply much too beautiful for

him but suppose we decided we want to

give it one more chance well then I

would do what any trained marriage

counseling professional would do I would

have you both declared mentally

incompetent bind you in straight jackets

and have you thrown into some

godforsaken snake pit of a mental

institution for the rest of your

miserable life

lives now I know that what I'm saying

may sound harsh but it's the

law and I also know that in your hearts

you know I'm

right she is right you know

Chris I am too beautiful for

you I

know I guess it it just took the

objective voice of an outsider to get us

to admit it to

ourselves I'm sorry

nicholet I'm sorry too

[Music]

Chris thank you Dr

Rand what's the normal tip for something

like

this I'm in shock I was certain that

this was one that would

last you sure about this

okay then hold out your

hands this is it I mean don't we have to

sign something what are you some kind of

[Music]

idiot than

it wasn't all bad was

it no Chris the first couple of hours

were

great I'm going to miss you

niolet I'm going to miss you too

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Chris my

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okay well your first wife has just left

you she's gone and you're all

alone but you can take it you're quite a

man Chris

Peterson

I ran into Nicollet a little later that

day by then we were both seeing other

people and the wounds had had time to

heal I realized that nicholet was a

wonderful person and I was glad we had

spent almost an entire day of our lives

[Music]

together

we talked about old times for a while

and then we kissed affectionately and

she was

gone and at that precise moment

something very special almost magical

happened one of those giant Boulders

fell on

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me

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w

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[Applause]

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oh