01x20 - Neptune 2000

[bunniefuu]

dear are you going to the retirement

seminar today why should I to plan our

future we don't want to end up like one

of those pathetic old couples who sit

around the kitchen in their bathrobes

drinking coffee all day glad as that'll

never happen to us as long as we keep

playing the horses mom dad can I give

you a hint what I want for my birthday

if you must when is it

yesterday better luck next year boy

you're not going to pull that on me

again this year I want my own person

two-man submarine has a periscope

torpedo launcher ship toore radio

emergency dive outfit and a functional

cigarette lighter and it only cost1

19.95 press don't be duped by a phony ad

you can't buy a sub with all that for

1995 you're talking about close to a

billion dollars worth of equipment oh

right as in comic books are always

ripoffs out to sucker dumb little kids

like me so negative Dad yeah ironic

isn't it especially when I've been

blessed with so much I just have to earn

the money

myself I know I'll get a paper

[Music]

out Chris why would you want to get

sucked into a deadend job like that it's

only till the subs get off it's not like

I'm going to do it

forever

I can't wait

forever even though he want me

to I

[Music]

can't is it here yet jeez are you death

that's right in front of your face oh oh

joyous rapturous day at C came it came

oh my oh I guess all my years of hoping

and and growing into my weight are

finally over it's here I can't believe

it and just in time for my

birthday which is

[Music]

when stand in the place where you live

now about Direction wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you having

people stand in the place where you

[Applause]

live think about Direction wonder why

you have it now stand in the place where

you were now

face the place where you live wonder why

you haven't

stand in the place where you

are so

[Music]

stand jeez this thing's really late gosh

it was supposed to take four to 6 weeks

you would have thought the Postal

Service would have improved since we

sold it to the

japanesey Kuts Chris it says 4600

weeks oh oh jeez wow well I guess it's a

week early

then

you

oh it's

broken you idiot you have to put it

together oh oh jeez well I'll just slap

it together then luckily came with this

handy instructional

booklet

uh what is

PKA mean

any

ideas this is going to be great I get to

build it and learn a whole new complex

language at the same time where you

can't just slap that together it takes

real skill even so it'll probably never

work

well would you help me build My

Submarine I mean this project kind of

reeks of fatherson quality time

potential Chris are only so many hours

in the day I can't spend time with you

and drink coffee

oh great you're here terrific great

you're just in time for the christening

hey Dad where's that bottle of champagne

I asked you to buy I drank

it okay well here it is time for the

[Music]

unveiling

doesn't look quite

right well well the the picture in the

ad was really just a suggestion have you

given this death trap a name yet yes yes

uh

Tony well don't you get it Tony is in

Tony the Tiger

cornflakes because there's no substitute

for

breakfast I thought I was

hammered all right and now it's time for

the inaugural firing up now you better

stand back cuz this baby runs on 54d

batteries I'm glad we finally learn how

to harness that power for peaceful

[Music]

uses jeez I thought I had that problem

worked out Chris this is too dangerous

why if you'd been inside that thing you

would have burned up that new shirt I

just bought

you

Mom Dad I'm going to let you in on the

biggest secret I've ever kept from you I

don't know what the hell I'm doing and

I'm

scared I think I better help this s oh

Dad thanks thanks you do love me after

all oh don't go getting Misty eyed I

just didn't want to see this dump go up

in

Flames well I got to admit looks pretty

damn fine and you know what it was kind

of fun putting it together am I nuts or

did we actually bond for a second

there no dad I think we actually did

bond for a second you know I'm I'm sorry

I crazy glued your eyelid shut I just

wanted to see how far that thing would

squirt well what do you say time for its

maiden voyage huh help me get Tony into

the bathtub bathtub Chris this isn't

like one of your Fisher Price toys this

is a $20 piece of machinery

yeah but Dad Dr custo tests all his

equipment this way I read that once or

dreamt it and that's why about 5 years

ago I spent the weekend sealing up my

tub in anticipation of this very

moment at this point Chris our quality

time is officially over and my coffee

time has officially begun oh okay Dad

sure no you're you're right I I'll just

test it myself I'll I'll take it out

back to that weird Pond behind the

sewage plant I I'm sure I won't come

back with any diseases that can affect

the entire family so worry all right all

right you got me for another 10

minutes great thanks okay you grab the

back on three one two

three it's great to feel the sea again

isn't it now there are a few nautical

rules that I have to familiarize you

with uh to begin with I am the El

Capitan okay and you are the first

chamber M yeah you will obey all orders

without question you will speak only

when spoken to and you you will not

under any circumstances sir disable any

of the smoke alarms in the restrooms

other than that enjoy the buffet Chris I

got to go I feel a case of the bends

coming on oh I'm sorry would you like a

roll

a

wow it's like another world down here

isn't

it oh Dad look look an old boot huh no

doubt cast overboard Long Ago by some

ancient mariner

that's one of your slippers oh oh yeah

you're right I'm sorry I just got caught

up in the moment it's like the real

thing down here almost

better well say now that you're getting

into the spirit I think it's time for

your little onboard

surprise

hats here you go

mhm now we're like Jac custo and his son

Philip B B Philip Philip Philip Philip

they're swimming monkeys and they're

coming towards us and they're armed we

must retaliate against this aggressive

action against our peaceful

[Laughter]

vessel oh I'm such a hoot aren't

I Chris I should inform you I've

completely lost interest in

this well you'll like it better when you

look through the

Periscope Periscope up

all right I'll do

it

wow

neat

cool no that doesn't I'm out of

here it's stuck huh well uh maybe it

rusted shut from age what been wet for a

minute all right uh don't don't worry

dad uh according to these instructions

here there's there's oh there's enough

air in here for a full 20 minutes more

than enough time for the Navy SEAL

Rescue Squad to come and take us to

[Music]

[Applause]

safy there we go

see Dad I've managed to plug the flow of

water with the Periscope good going

Chris we're dying in here but at least

the water bill will be

manageable now I I know it said that we

only have 20 minutes of air in here but

uh I'm sure that's just an approximation

if we breathe slower and uh if we cut

down on the U the yap yap please sir if

you could I think uh we could probably

stretch that out for another 36 seconds

you know we must already be low on air

because you're starting to make sense to

me we also by the way should economize

our movements as much as possible see

that's well

yeah

please now the unfortunate thing is it's

time for my daily exercises though so

would you just hold my feet firmly if

you could

no all right fine dad but if I don't do

six sit-ups a day my spelt figure goes

straight to hell just get this out of

here all right all right I I'll call on

the ship toore radio for help

hello hello breaker breaker one two

three breaker uh this is tight pants

anybody got their ears on yeah I need uh

I need a good buddy to come to my 20 and

lend assistance to a tight pants senior

and myself C that anybody copy that come

back 10 10 I'm 10 10 on your

20 chru that's just a plastic toy nobody

can hear

you I guess I'm just going to have to do

this manually then

okay help

[Laughter]

help that sounds like Chris screaming as

if he's trapped under a lot of

water that's silly it's probably just

one of the neighborhood cats getting run

over

help

help

help guess I shouldn't have been so

c*ck about living this long without

hearing

loss all right well the worst thing we

could do is panic okay let's let's try

not to think about dying all right just

don't think about you know your your

chest heaving for every last scrap of

air and your your blood turning purple

from LA of helium and your your eyes

bulging and and popping out and bouncing

off the walls like so many ba*ls in a

gymnasium I'm I'm sorry I had to do that

are you kidding that's more fun than

I've had all year freak out

anytime D I'm not that out of

control squid

squid this is turning out to be an okay

trip after

all Knock knock hello Mrs Peterson oh hi

hi it's that time of year again time for

my annual distribution of my special

German chocolate Divinity squares to all

the folks in the neighborhood now I know

how everyone looks forward to it

especially Mr Peterson so there you go

oh well they look so lovely again dear

where's Chris up in his room playing

remember our deal when we came here you

said I could say hi to him yes but just

for 5 minutes and I Am timing thank you

again dear they smell so wonderful if

this year is anything like last here

they won't be around long

oh and the eyes back in the

head a shark's eyes they're not like a

human's eyes they're black there's like

a doll's

eye and then you hear that horrible high

pitch

scream you go in the cage cage goes in

the water shock in the

water

you

would you pipe down I'm trying to finish

this crossw word puzzle oh I'm sorry

would you prefer a scene from Sophie's

Choice hello

Chris

oh so this is the depth to which a man

will sink without the influence of a

woman pretty cool

huh Larry that's weird didn't the pizza

barge close down a couple of years ago

yeah

oh oh I should have known better than to

touch anything of his I'm going to go

wash my hands not at the bathroom is in

another hell

hole that's interesting Sharon just

walked in maybe she'll take her clothes

off she doesn't notice us get her

attention and put out the damn

pipe hey hey hey

what you but huh I don't think she's

getting the message she can't hear you

Chris write her something oh

[Laughter]

[Music]

uh

[Laughter]

what's it going where's she going where

she going what are you what are you

doing what's the matter honey is Chris

in there Larry he was doing something so

weird in there that uh well I'm not even

going to let you see

it why didn't you write that we're dying

in here well Daddy don't don't just

blurt out something like that jeez

whatever happened to the art of

conversation come on I don't worry I'm

sure she got the message I'm sure she's

going for help right now you'll pardon

the expression but don't hold your

breath why am I sweating oh the ceiling

is sweating it's unusual but hardly

worth

investigating uh

uh well at least your mother will be

able to collect on the insurance and be

rich like she always

wanted there's just enough time left for

you and me to open up to each other dad

is there something you've always wanted

to say to me but was never able to look

deep within

yourself oh I'm I'm drawing a blank

sorry look deeper Chris the only thing I

can think about is that this is is going

to be the most embarrassing obituary to

ever hit the

papers dad I I hate to correct you in

such a dire moment but I think the guy

who electrocuted himself urinating on

the electric fence holds that honor

Chris I just thought of something I want

to say to you clam

up is is that from the heart

yes well then that's what I'm going to

do for you father for our final moments

together I'm not going to say a

peep

well that's really nice of you Chris I

really do appreciate it it's almost like

a dream come

[Music]

true I can't do it I can't do I'm a

babbling idiot now and

forever I am what I am oh take it easy

I've known that since the day you were

conceived don't feel too bad you went

almost a minute then you're proud of me

I didn't say

that oh okay I'm I'm proud of you oh oh

thanks Dad you're you're actually proud

of me wow a nugget of acceptance boy

jeez you know what I'm now seeing why

all this is happening to us it's really

kind of a blessing isn't it give me a

[Laughter]

break I'm sorry I'm I'm just soaking up

this new father and son thing that we've

got going here it's it's pretty

wonderful in my

book jeez how many people get a chance

to suffocate and

drown I me too I don't know about answer

for sure I was just

guessing

father before we both go to that big ubo

dock in the sky can I have one last hug

okay okay but watch your hands oh thank

you I love you

Pop hey I wasn't such a bad son after

all was I no you weren't

boy in a time like this you'll say

anything to get to heaven won't

you jeez what's keeping this damn water

so

long you know what the most amazing

thing is about all this is that the

floor of my bathroom could hold the

weight of all this

water

ohoo ew do I smell Sharon's German sweet

chocolate Divinity

crap Chris what did we tell you about

putting excessive weight in your room

which our house structurally cannot

handle all right don't worry Mom I'm

going to write a letter to that Flim

Flam submarine Corporation about my

extreme displeasure with their product

and one way or another I'm going to get

my money back no matter how long it

takes Dear Mr Peterson thank you for

your letter we're sorry that it has

taken us so long to

respond we will gladly reimburse you for

your

submarine please return it in its

original

packaging for a full

refund

life it's just too damn

[Music]

short

[Music]

[Music]

oh

[Music]

a