02x07 - Chris Becomes a Male Escort

[bunniefuu]

and in the place where you

live think about Direction wonder why

you have now stand in the place where

you were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you hav people

and in the place where you live now face

about Direction and wonder why you

have't now stand in the place where you

were now

face the place where you live wonder why

you NA stand in the place where you

are the 60s

fre good morning dear

friend now uh at the risk of starting

the day off on a rather ugly note may I

kindly inquire did someone k*ll a skunk

in

here no I'm just heating up some garlic

bread in the oven Hey kid you want some

scampy you know breakfast is the most

important meal of the day oh thanks gu

you know sometimes it feels like I'm

living right next door to a Wolf g*ng

Puck Wolf g*ng Puck isn't he the guy who

used to manage Maryland Chambers oh he's

the man who invented

mustard well anyway I can't have

breakfast this morning because guess

who's going down to the local escort

service to apply for a

job come on Guess Who Could Have be

come on who

ELO the idea just popped into my head

this morning while I was lacing up my

underwear isn't it funny the way ideas

just kind of pop into my head out of

nowhere sometimes yeah I think they call

that neurological

damage I think they're nuts to want to

be a male escort I wouldn't wish that

job on a

corpse what are you talking about it's

like a dream job I mean all you got to

do is pick up young attractive debutants

at their home hom and take them to plays

and they pay am I coming in loud and

clear Gus free

plays hell two to one you get settled

with some old perfume soaked

hag guess that's the difference between

you and me I'll never let the smell of

an old lady stand between me and my

dreams mhm yeah okay baby look with your

eyes now with your hands okay you break

it you bought it all purchas is final

wet spill aisle

five well you do have a certain quirky

goony misshaping quality about you I'm

going to give you a shot oh

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yes my first escort

job boy it's funny things just happen so

fast in my

life okay I'm all

right I'm sorry I'm just one of those

guys that gags at the drop of a

hat H well Madam allow me to introduce

myself I am Christopher Peterson escort

extraordinaire here to escort your

lovely daughter to the theater and and

present her with this complimentary

pumpkin I think you're a little confused

it's me you'll be accompanying to the

theater I don't have a daughter two to

one you get hell with some old perfume

soaked

[Music]

ha oh oh I'm sorry Miss hag oh I MA here

um oh won't you uh accept this pumpkin

as a Prelude to our lovely evening

together and man I add that your perfume

is quite Pleasant and doesn't in the

least bit smell like stagnant dishw

water let's be on our way I hate to

start the night off with a complaint but

this is not the escort experience that I

paid for well you know uh I'm sorry if I

seem just a tad remiss of my duties but

I got to tell you your excessive age

knocked my a*s out of whack

there just a minute maybe we better

start all over again now to begin with I

assume a good escort would convey a

proper compliment to his date jeez if

you could shut your trap for two seconds

I was getting to

that may I compliment you on

your oh your unique style of makeup oh

it's very clarabell esque and now here's

a quick spin so you can check out the

goods oh oh jeez I am this close to

blowing my

waffles oh and here's my little friend

Danny say hello to him hi lady hope you

enjoy your date have a good time

what all right that's your little dog

and pony showell let's book The meter's

Running come

on jeez would you stop giving me the

evil eye you act like you never been on

a bike before got f chain grease all

over my evening gown yeah tell me about

it I've ruined a dozen evening gowns

that way know CHR I think a glass of

wine would help me to calm my nerves

cool I think the booze is over there get

me some too and see if they have any of

Claire's I'm going to go clean up when I

get back you better have a glass of wine

in your hand waiting for

me hey pal how's it hanging eh pretty

good I guess woman I'm escorting

tonight's fairly undemanding hey you're

an escort too huh yeah I think pretty

much every guy here is and come on free

plays I got to tell you though the John

I'm with is a total nightmare jeez I was

like spending the evening with a little

puppy you know always whining always

wanting something always urinating on

the newspaper yeah do I know what you

mean oh this is Nancy Mar escort for the

evening jeez would you talk about the

luck of the

draw I'm depressed

man excuse me my love date seems to be

requesting my presence that's your date

but she's an old perfume soaked

hag hey pal I happen to think that

spending an evening with an older woman

can be a rich and rewarding experience

okay unlike the shallowness of spending

an evening with a gorgeous empty-headed

centerfold type can I touch

you this way to go get our seats see

around

buddy all right all right hold on you

old hammered wench

hey Sharon well Chris how bizarre to see

you at a cultural event other than a

monster truck

rally oh and who is this uh well this is

my date theoretically well thank God for

senility otherwise you'd never get

out that's an amusing notion Sharon and

let me compliment you on your new pep

monkey he's awfully cute I hear they

like grapes is his name

Bobo

could I puff off your cigarette oh

sure oh

oh well the jok's on you Sharon as

bestus

contacts

how biggest [ __ ] in

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Greenville earthquake everyone under

your

dates Chris that just means the play is

about to start now put that thing out

and let let's go in oh well jeez it's a

shame to waste it it's a whole cigarette

[Music]

here so what are we seeing anyway um

ecis starring Max bear

Jr well that turned out to be an

enjoyable evening after all didn't it

yeah it wasn't half bad talk about

excitement jeez I nearly fell out of my

seat when horack walked out on stage

boy You' think maxbear Jr would be

enough for your money but then you get a

bonus like

that I never thought I'd sit down for my

Standing

Ovation neither did the rest of the

audience yeah right well anyway I better

be going gee this was great boy I made

some quick cash dumped you off by 11 saw

a free play I still got plenty of time

to get home and see Amazing Discoveries

it's a good one tonight reversible

shoes just a minute Chris you're not

going home the evening's not over

yet huh why don't you put on a little

music and uh I'll fix us something wet

something wet what do you mean like shoe

polish or

tar she's out of her

mind jeez I've never seen so much crap

in all my life how many records did this

chosy idiot put out anyway greedy

b*stard oh my God my favorite record of

all

time Margaret do you have an

appreciation for the Fine Art of Dance

well yes I do I'd love to well Feast

your eyes on this

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[Applause]

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honey

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hey what's the idea sister I was just

starting to work up a sweat I think I

have a little more appropriate music

here oh yeah that's a lot more

appropriate sounds like make out

music it certainly does yeah well what

are we supposed to do now make

[Music]

out I'm not paying you $4 an hour just

to sit around and look

beautiful ma'am I'll gladly refund all

your money and even clean your bathroom

if you only spare me the ugliness that I

think is about to

happen

mother running off so soon darling uh

yes I think it's best I leave now for

some reason I'm on the verge of tear oh

don't be so Melancholy sweetheart you

should go home knowing you performed

your job very

adequately you did just what you were

told and you offered very little

resistance I mean you're not mad that I

was reluctant to put on the baby Bonnet

and then get into that stroller

Contraption no not at all well I am a

quick learner well you'll have plenty of

time to learn I've reserved you for the

next five nights m

oh by the way darling here's just

something a little extra for you my way

of saying you're

special wow a Rolex just like the one

Bob Conrad

wears thanks oh wait

Chris always

remember rewards come to boys who know

the value of

obedience

[Applause]

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a

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hey D how was Maui go she was

Unstoppable oh I mean in the hotel on

the sand underwater on top of the dump

truck on top of a dump truck yeah well

that was kind of my idea I guess I'm

just a hopeless romantic at heart joh

you could get out of this now before it

blows up in your face she's using you

Gus what are you talking about it's the

perfect relationship she's madly in love

with me and I could care less about her

you know all I got to do is you know

clean her pipes a couple of times a day

and she rewards me with a dazzling array

of cash and prizes it's better than

being on Jeopardy cleaner pipes that's

good I have to

remember besides who's using who Gus let

me take you on a little tour come with

me I'd like to show you the new and

improved Chrissy land come

here good God this place looks like a

Mexican pawn shop I know it's almost too

good to be true isn't it what the hell

is this a ferret no silly geez It's A

Wig sometimes she likes me to beat Chuck

Connor I don't know I think maybe she

has a thing for him anyway it's just one

of our little games

you know kid this whole thing is

starting to nauseate me why because you

feel it's a disgusting display of

decadence and

opulence no I'm talking about this

rancid

salami jeez Gus for crying out loud

don't throw meat around in here you'll

frighten the love bird hey that's a pet

when you moved into this dump I

specifically said no pets especially a

swishy

one on it was a gift from Margaret and

you know he barely moves partly because

of his disposition and partly because

I've yet to feed him he's off really

that he's off my butt when I say no pets

I mean no

pets you know I am more convinced at

every that this broad is rotting your

brain yeah I've completely changed my

mind about you you are cheap and

tody just a cheap toddy sweet smelling

[ __ ]

oh Gus what did I do jeez what came over

me can you ever forgive

me yeah for 20

bucks excuse

me hello oh Margaret

hi yes oh great no I'll be right over

uh-huh yes I'll wear the red Underpants

with the gold piping yes anything for

you my love okay bye dear okay I'm

warning you you're getting in too deep a

real man knows when to quit well guess

you're forgetting one very important

thing not only am I not a real man I'm

barely a man at

all got me there all right run

along oh oh Margaret I don't know what

to say do you know that I've dreamed of

owning a coat like this ever since

Nursery

School I feel like Tony

Orlando then it's adjustable for

spring oh bravo bravo you know whoever

designed this coat really had their

finger on the pulse of The Working Man

nothing's too good for my hardworking

escort well Madam allow me to thank you

the way you've taught me to thank

[Music]

you oo baby I am going to sex you up

something awful

tonight oh I am going to sprinkle you

with a little chissy sugar and then I'm

going to pop you in the oven and bake

you at 450 until you're as brown as one

of my daddy's loafers

oh I love it when you talk insane to me

well insane's my middle

name the Russians have invaded America

with special robots help red on head on

that's no robot that's my husband Harold

Margaret what the hell's going on here

now Harold before you jump to any

conclusions he's not a grocery delivery

boy he's a male escort I've been paying

to have have sex with me uh Margaret I

don't want to butt in but I think you

screwed something up

there did you do this to me well I was

laid up in the hospital after open heart

surgery no less no wonder you never came

to visit now don't blow things out of

proportion Harold it's it's just that

the Fizz had gone out of our bedroom

lately so I hired me a pretty boy to

take care of business pretty he's just a

fat stupid looking ball of fur new for

you Dad this fat ball of fur has been

providing a very important service to

your wife here for the past week a

service you obviously haven't been able

to provide cuz I've been in the hospital

W I need a b I'm such a big shot nurse

get me some more

Jello oh what are you going to do hit me

Herbert Hoover come on give me your best

shot what oh hey hey

W jeez what kind of Med medication did

they give you in that hospital oh good

well at least it's out of your system

now and we can talk about this like two

rational human

beings oh please not my face it's my

meal ticket are you let me see my r*fle

again well probably yeah I think so

she's a nice woman I'll probably see

her you put it that way oh I guess I

won't see her again oh what I see again

what you I said I won't see her

again well he ain't pretty no more

Harold watching you beat the crap out of

this kid was just the shot in the arm

our relationship

needed it turned me on you know in an

odd way it kind of turned me on

too oh don't be offended Chris I can

still use you I'll have you over once a

week so Harold can bludgeon you until I

get

excited thanks but no thanks I think

I'll pass are just a little too weird

for me and that's coming from a guy who

collects little drawings of duckies

holding umbrellas for a

hobby there'll be a truck over to your

home at Daybreak to pick up all the

things I've given you even the limited

edition Scarlet O'Hara collector's plate

I'm afraid so I'll be eating beans off

of that plate by tomorrow

night oh Margaret please I beg you let

me keep the

jacket take it off right now before I

have Harold rip it off okay okay on now

get

out

okay Chris wait please don't go yes

Margaret for my own enjoyment I'd like

to see Harold throw you out my pleasure

get out get out bu get

out

ooh boy they really did a number on you

kid well it's like I learned a long time

ago there's no such thing as easy money

in this world outside of donating plasma

that is but one thing for sure my escort

days are over and from here on out no

matter how tough it gets I am never ever

getting involved with a woman over the

age of 60

again guess you sit right there I'll get

that from you

Chris Peterson yes you were referred to

me by the local escort service do you

have any openings for me this

[Music]

week

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[Applause]

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a