01x03 - The Red Hot Rule

[bunniefuu]

MAXWELL:

Every now and again,

the memories come flooding back

to the day I changed the world.

- Father, have you heard any news

of the Titanic's maiden voyage?

"The unsinkable ship" they call it!

I sure hope it arrives safely in America.

- Extry, extry!

The Titanic has sunk!

1,500 dead in freak accident!

All those innocent people!

If only there was something

we could have done to save them.

If not for the Red Hot Rule, we could

The Red Hot Rule?

- Maxwell, did you know

that being in Australia,

we're actually 15 hours

ahead of the USA?

You mean, we're in the future?

- Yes. Right now, in the Atlantic,

the Titanic has yet to sink.

In fact, if you were to call and warn 'em,

they'd probably have about

five minutes to prepare.

But we Australians have sworn

to never interfere with the flow of time.

Violating the Red Hot Rule

is our greatest crime.

Do you understand, Maxwell?

[door closes]

Maxwell!

Nooo!

- Sir! It's a telegram

from the Australian future!

It says: "G'day mate. Stop.

"Cobba, ya ship's about to crash. Stop.

You have five minutes, I reckon.

Stop."

- Crash? Why would we crash

in the next five minutes?

We've already noticed

that iceberg over there.

What could possibly put us

in such unexpected danger?

I don't know, sir.

But maybe we should hold off

on opening this cursed sarcophagus?

Ah. Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Take it back down to cargo,

and send Australia our thanks

for changing history, will you?

- Father! I did it! I saved--

Oh! Father?

FATHER:

Take him away, Time Bobbies.

I have no son.

PRESENT-DAY MAXWELL:

I should have listened to my father.

How was I supposed to know about

her?

♪ old-time music playing ♪

♪ Hello, everybody ♪

♪ I have come to take you back with me ♪

♪ To a land of liberty ♪

MAXWELL: She joined the army,

led America to victory in two World Wars,

and eventually was sworn in

as President Mummy.

One day, when signing a peace deal,

she fell in love with

that commie b*stard Brezhnev.

They both abandoned their people

for a quiet life on the moon,

which left the world in chaos.

[glasses clink]

Soon after, the bombs started flying

and America became a toxic wasteland,

except for Hollywood, which broke off

and became a floating island.

But I know the Americans

are still out there, biding their time.

Waiting for the perfect moment to strike!

Oooh!

[glasses shatter]

And that's how I f*cked up the future.

♪ theme song playing ♪

Koala Kode 2,040.

Remember: if it doesn't have a collar,

it's not a shirt.

LIAM: I never realized

how amazing Americans are!

Chad Wagon says every meal

comes with a side dish of freedom!

Totally awesome sauce.

Liam, please.

I only wanted to come

to this ridiculous novelty restaurant

for your twin birthdays

because I thought seeing how

America's lawless attitudes

drove them to destruction

would serve as a cautionary tale.

- It's working.

This birthday sucks.

Your plan backfired, Dad.

Now I see how boring Australians are.

All we care about is footy

or sharks or whatever.

Chad Wagon says Americans

solve most of their problems

through ill*gal street racing.

[sighs] I wish I were American

America blew itself up!

That's why all the Americans

have come here to a sensible country.

Hey, everyone, ah

this is, uh a robbery.

We're f*ck' robbin' youse.

Yeah, give us ya cash or like

we'll f*ck' shank ya or some sh*t.

Kevin, do something!

- Yes, I'd say this is a job

for Koala Man--

[engines revving]

Bon Jovi playing

♪ "Raise Your Hands" ♪

[tires squeal]

Oh, my God, it's Chad Wagon!

♪

♪ Out on the run, under the g*n ♪

He's perfect.

I would have gotten here sooner,

but parking, am I right, bro?

♪ Raise your hands

when you wanna let it go ♪

- Can you pretty please teach me how

to be a fun, freedom-loving American?

- I don't know. Do you have

what it takes to be mi familia?

- Mi familia?

- Mi familia.

The family you create when your real

family won't accept you for who you are.

- Actually, Liam already has

a very accepting and Australian family.

He doesn't need to be infected

with your American ideas.

- Dude, I wouldn't listen to this guy.

He looks about 5' 7", max.

See ya around, bro.

[sniffing]

[sighs]

- Quiet down, you lot.

Big Greg has big news.

I've just received word

that the Queen herself is coming to Dapto.

Anyone wanna volunteer for the absolute

dog sh*t job of keeping Her Majesty safe?

- Oh, I do! Me-me-me! Me!

I have it on good authority that Dapto's

handsome and virile superhero Koala Man

would also like to be involved,

uh, perhaps as a means

of demonstrating to his son

just how cool Australians can be.

Yeah, yeah, don't care.

One more thing-- 'cause there is f*ck all

to do in this wonderful town,

we'll be bringing forward

the Miss Sausage Roll Pageant

so the Queen can crown the winner.

Now, I know that this is last minute,

but I'm sure we can find some desperate,

psychotic, unpopular losers

who want to be Miss Sausage Roll.

Mum, I'm entering Miss Sausage Roll.

But I need you to buy me a new swimsuit!

I got my eye on this one.

It barely covers tit and slit.

- Language!

And I forbid you from entering.

- But, Muuum, if I win,

I get to meet the Queen!

Not even Rosie Yodels has met the Queen!

I said no!

You don't understand.

You've been a solid five your entire life.

Oh, have I?

[gasps] Mum? You were hot?

VICKY: I went after the Miss Sausage Roll

crown with everything I had.

And I lost.

All because of Saucy Simmons.

Sure, she had a natural advantage,

seeing as she was a sausage roll,

but I figured, a naive little pastry

from the burbs wasn't a threat.

But during the finals,

Saucy poured a bottle of vegetable oil

all over herself

as she did the Sausage Strut.

I slipped on her greasy trail and fell.

And I saw her laughing.

She wanted me to fall.

That flaky, buttery b*tch!

- After I lost,

I didn't know who I was anymore.

I went on a seven-year bender

made a lot of friends.

ALISON: What about Dad?

- [sighs] He insisted on calling it

a long-distance relationship,

but we were on a break.

After a while, I returned to Dapto

and married your father.

But if not for Saucy Simmons,

I'd have won Miss Sausage Roll,

and everything would be different.

Everything.

You're not entering and that's final.

What are these, you ask?

Only top-secret security plans

for the Queen's visit!

Cool.

- The Queen is coming to visit Dapto!

Why aren't you more excited?

- I'd be more excited, but Mum's refusing

to train me for Miss Sausage Roll.

For your own good, Alison.

- Ah, I remember

your Miss Sausage Roll days, Vicky.

Some of those pictures

really sustained me

through our seven-year

long-distance relationship.

Mmm! Yummy!

I'm really enjoying

this authentic Australian meat pie,

made with a native Australian animal.

Needs ketchup.

- Liam, in Australia

we say "tomato sauce."

- I just don't get why we can't

have fries like at Chad Wagon's.

Chips, Liam! They're called chips!

I don't even know who you are anymore!

Maybe you never did!

Now I know why I've never

fit in with other Australians!

Because in my heart,

I've been American all along!

That's what Chad says.

That's right.

I went to see Chad after school today.

- I don't want you

hanging around that man!

- You may be my family

but you're not my mi familia.

Chad says you wouldn't hide

behind a mask if you were.

You told him my secret identity?!

That's just oooh, I'm very cross now.

- Oh, and FYI:

tomato sauce is not awesome sauce!

[groans]

Chad Wagon!

- I just don't understand why Liam insists

on fraternizing with a lawless American.

I can feel it in my willies,

this Chad Wagon is bad news.

- Yeah, KM, what did we do to deserve

these Americans invading our shores?

- No one could have known

the consequences!

I just wanted to save the beautiful ship!

- Oi, I think Maxwell's got a touch

of the old dementia, mate.

No! Many years ago, I made a mistake.

I violated the Red Hot Rule.

- What?! What are you talking about?

Keep your voice down!

[laughs] Good joke.

Are you f*ck' crazy, you old b*stard?

You want to get nicked

by the Time Bobbies?

Already did.

Spent 20 years in Time Jail.

If not for me, President Mummy

would have been at the bottom

of the sea on the Titanic.

And everything that came after

It's all my fault!

Mark my words, if Americans are involved,

something terrible will happen.

I'm leaving town!

You should too!

[screaming]

- All right then,

see ya tomorrow, Maxwell.

Maxwell's right about one thing.

This American is only going

to make things worse.

Maybe it's time he had a chat with

Koala Man.

AKA me.

Hello, Mother.

You'll never guess

who's entered Miss Sausage Roll.

Saucy Simmons

Don't be absurd. She's far too old.

Junior!

- She's got her mother's flakes,

I'll give her that much.

And she's the heavy favorite to win.

Unless someone were

to come along and defeat her.

- Alison, no.

You don't know what you're asking.

- You need revenge.

I need to become popular.

If you teach me,

maybe we can win this thing, together.

[sighs] Very well.

But just know, pageants turn

the sweetest women into monsters.

- Mum, I'm a 14-year-old girl.

I'm already a monster.

I'm not talking about you, Alison.

[knife whooshes]

Time to train.

Yes, Mum.

[Chad sighs]

CHAD: I wish you could have seen

America in the glory days.

It was paradise, bro.

So, how did you end up in Dapto?

- Once Hollywood became an island,

I knew America was finished.

But I couldn't just

let American raditude die out.

So I bought

the only ticket I could afford

and came to Australia

and opened my restaurant,

where every day is red, white, and blue.

- The Australian flag is also

red, white, and blue.

But ours is better.

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.

It isn't easy being

an American refugee, kid.

I just wish we had

a real home here in Australia,

somewhere we could call our own.

But the Queen will never go for it.

That staunchy f*ck' b*tch.

- Maybe we just need to show her

how great the American way of life is.

Dude! k*ller idea!

We should do a kickass car stunt for her

when she comes to Dapto!

She'll be so impressed,

she'll have to listen to us.

- That would be awesome sauce,

but security's gonna be super tight.

- Bro, doesn't your cuck dad

have security plans?

You should totally get them.

[whispering] So America can be reborn

in the ashes of Australia.

- What's that?

- Nothing, nothing.

Uh, just, thinking about, uh, hamburgers

and hot dogs and stuff.

- Oi, Mr. Wagon.

Hand over the boy.

Aw, g'day, Captain Australia.

Darn it, that's a good superhero name!

No, resist his charm.

In the name of Dapto and all that is good,

I command you to stop influencing my son.

- Maybe I don't want to be

your son anymore.

- Don't be ridiculous, Liam.

Get in the car.

- You want Liam?

You gotta race me first.

From here to that bridge

is exactly a quarter mile.

And I live a quarter mile at a time.

- Correction: four hundred

and two point three meters at a time.

Pfft, whatever.

What matters is the winner gets Liam.

Liam! This is insane!

Sounds like your old man's scared, Liam.

- Of course, he is.

He's Australian.

Fine. Let's race, Yank.

[engines revving]

Go!

[tires squealing]

MASK: Kevin wouldn't hurt

to go a bit faster, mate.

- I can't, Koala Mask!

This is a 60 zone!

MASK:

This is a race for our son!

My son.

Look, Chad may know how to drive fast,

but I know Dapto's roads.

There's a speed bump coming up

and a traffic camera after that.

He's going far too fast.

If the bump doesn't get him,

the camera will.

Nooo!

Lawless American! You cheated!

You lost, you little b*tch.

That was amazing!

And now Liam's mine.

Liam, you're not serious.

[American accent]

You're not my mi familia, Koala Man,

and now you're not my family either.

You are Liam Wagon now.

I love you, Chad Wagon.

Please, son, call me Dad Wagon.

[tires squeal]

[Koala Man sobbing]

[horn blaring]

♪ rock music playing ♪

♪ There comes a time ♪

♪ When the world

is fighting against you ♪

♪ You're feeling its weight

on your shoulders ♪

♪ Crushing you into dirt ♪

♪ But there comes a time ♪

♪ When you face your fears headlong ♪

♪ Headstrong ♪

♪ This is your moment ♪

♪ Let's turn up the heat ♪

♪ It's time to play ♪

♪ Stand up and fight! ♪

♪ Stand up and fight, yeah ♪

♪ Stand up for what ♪

♪ Stand up for what is right ♪

♪ Stand up and fight! ♪

KOALA MAN:

Oh, Liam, sweet Liam.

How I wish you were here to see this.

No. I must focus on the task at hand.

Protecting the Queen!

Oh, looky here, it's Slippy Vicky.

Shut your face, Saucy.

My daughter is going

to crush yours into porridge.

- You need to let go of the past, Vicky.

It's actually embarrassing.

And the present.

Your current life

is also very embarrassing.

- I think our daughters' performances

will be the judge of that.

With just two contestants left,

it's time for the highlight of the event:

the Sausage Strut.

- Alison, I just want to say, I know

there's bad blood between our mothers,

but may the best person win.

- You're not a person.

You're a f*ck' sausage roll.

- Make some noise

for Saucyyyyy Juniooooor!

[crowd cheering]

♪ funky music playing ♪

Three nines from the judges!

That savory girl sure is sweet!

And now, put your oven mitts together

for the last finalist:

Alison Williams!

♪ funky music continues ♪

- Uggh!

[Vicky gasps]

Whoaaa

[crowd gasps]

[cheering and applause]

[gasps]

[cheering and applause]

- Whooo! f*ck you, you lunch order sl*t!

In your face!

[camera shutters clicking]

[tools clattering]

Dad Wagon, what are you doing?

- Just making a few changes

to make your stunt a little more

memorable.

[lock clicks]

D-D-D-Don't worry.

Just a safety precaution.

Now go make Dad Wagon proud!

U-S-A! U-S-A!

BOTH: U-S-A! U-S-A!

[tires screeching]

- And now, here to crown

Miss Sausage Roll,

the Queen of Australia,

Nicole Kidman!

♪ fanfare playing ♪


[cheering]

Hooly dooly, Dapto.

It's a bloody honor to be here.

- To think, there's my Alison

standing next to the Queen of Australia.

[engine revving]

What's that?

There shouldn't be

any cars within the perimeter!

Alright, bit of shush now.

Funny story, when I was little,

I thought I'd move to America

and enter an arranged marriage

with a space messiah

before settling into a series

of prestige television dramas

where I'd play sad mums in cardigans.

But after America fell, I decided

to stay here and become your queen.

[cheering]

Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, congrats, Miss Sausage Roll!

[revving]

COMPUTER: Autopilot activated.

k*ll Queen, frame Liam,

reboot Australia into America 2.0.

- What?

[tires squeal]

No, no, no no!

Noooooo!

WOMAN: [singing]

♪ everybody ♪

♪ I have come to take you back with-- ♪

REPORTER:

Breaking news: the Queen of Australia

has just been grilled to death

on the hood of a race car,

driven by a small boy,

who has tragically died at the scene.

A muscly American man is claiming

to be Australia's new leader,

and we're all kind of going with it.

- Oh, no, Maxwell!

You mustn't change the past!

REPORTER:

Anyway, we all live in America 2.0 now,

and it's totally awesome sauce!

- Ooh! Blasphemy!

To hell with the law!

[line ringing]

[whimpering]

[ringing continues]

Pick up, Koala Man, pick up!

- To think, there's my Alison

standing next to the Queen of Australia.

I wish Liam was here to see this.

[tires squeal]

What's that? There shouldn't be

any cars within the perimeter!

[phone buzzes]

Hey, Maxwell

Oh, my God!

Thank you for warning me!

Though you have broken the Red Hot Rule,

and I'm gonna have to dob you in, mate.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to tell

the authorities.

Yeah, you can't--

you broke the law, mate.

Yeah, it's alright. Okay.

Yeah, no worries. See ya later.

Alright, bye.

One minute.

Time to save my son, Queen Nicole Kidman,

and all of Australia!

QUEEN NICOLE KIDMAN:

Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, congrats, Miss Sausage Roll!

[applause]

I did it.

I'll be the most powerful girl

in school by tomorrow.

I'm so happy.

This is the best moment of my life.

[car revving]

[thuds]

Alison! The Queen!

[Saucy gasps]

[screams]

Agh! They've grilled my girl!

No, no, no!

Ahhhh!

[panting]

[screams]

[lock clicks]

Ahhh!

[expl*si*n]

[crowd gasps]

[sizzling]

Saucy Junior saved my life.

She deserves to posthumously win

Miss Sausage Roll, not Alison!

Oh, my God! No! I was so close!

[camera shutters click]

A heartbreaking chain of events.

If I may propose a moment of silence

for that brave sausage roll.

Anyway, who's excited for the raffle?

[cheering]

[man running, panting]

Son, what happened with the stunt?

You were gonna frame me!

- Sacrifices gotta be made

for the U-S of A, dawg!

I thought you understood.

We could've brought America back,

right here in Australia.

America 2.0, bro.

All you had to do was k*ll the Queen.

Hey, Chad, get away from my son!

- Dad!

- Mr. Wagon,

I demand you leave Dapto at once!

- Or what?

You wanna race for it?

- No. That's the problem

with you lawless Americans.

You're brash, arrogant,

overmuscled buffoons.

You can't say that to me.

- I can say whatever I want to you

because of the First Amendment.

[hisses]

I realize now, to beat an American,

I must understand Americans

and try to share my son's passion.

And there's nothing you Americans

are more passionate about

than freedom of speech!

Isn't that right, you filthy drongo.

No, stop!

- You bloody w*nk*r!

- No, no, stop!

- Knobhead!

- [high-pitched voice] No, no!

No! Leave me alone!

Chad! Was any of it real?

Was I ever your mi familia?

- Liam, you'll always be my mi famil--

Just desserts.

- Sorry, Dad.

I don't know what came over me.

[sighs] I understand, Liam.

You fell under the spell of America.

I did, too, when I was your age.

But we're Australian, Liam.

And we have to make the best

of what we have.

LIAM: Can I still say "ketchup" sometimes?

KOALA MAN: I'll think about it.

[groaning]

♪ fanfare playing ♪

- Drop the charges, Time Bobbies,

he saved my life.

C'mon, Maxwell, let's get you home.

Oh, bless you, Your Majesty!

♪ fanfare playing ♪

♪ somber music playing ♪

They really went all out for her.

Alison, how are you feeling after losing?

Do you feel like going

on a seven-year bender

and settling into a life

of quiet desperation? Hmm?

How do I feel?

[laughing maniacally]

♪ ominous music playing ♪

I feel fine, actually.

Huh.

I guess one disappointment doesn't have

to dictate the course of your entire life.

Maybe things would have been

exactly the same even if I won.

I would have ended up here anyway Hmm.

That coffin's empty, you know.

They fed Saucy Junior to needy families.

An Australian hero.

Just like you, Dad.

Hmm. I suppose I am.

[thunder rumbles]

Chad! Mi familia

President Mummy shall have her revenge!

♪ theme song playing ♪

♪ fanfare playing ♪