01x07 - Ultra Matchmaker

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

[motorcycle roaring]

- Thank you!
- That's my purse! Stop!

Stop!

[zap]

Don't worry.
I'm about to pump his brakes.

[zapping]

♪ ♪

- [zap]
- [rumbling]

[zapping]

Pink isn't really your color.

[zapping]

[yelling, whimpering]

[deep voice]: But orange is about
to look great on you.

[groans]

That bike meant a lot to me.

It was the first thing I ever stole.
[nervous laugh]

That's a really touching story.

My heroes! Thank you so much.

No need to thank us.

It's our job to scour
the streets for scum.

Hey, scum's a little harsh.

You're too modest.

[normal voice]: Wow, it's you.

[angelic music playing]

[deep voice]: And by you, I mean...

the owner of the purse
that was just stolen.

[quiet laugh]

[sparkles]

You're engaged?!

Oh, yeah, I am.

ULTRA VIOLET: Congrats!

It's a good thing
he didn't get that rock.

It's huge.

[yelps, panting]

- [heavy breathing]
- [lamp buzzing]

[whoosh]

[scoffs] I guess we're just
letting him go today.

[zap]

♪ ♪

- [zap]
- Ooh!

What just happened?
You're acting super weird!

- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are!

A few minutes ago, you suddenly
stopped talking with your...

[imitating]: super-serious
Black Scorpion voice.

[normal]: It was like watching
puberty in reverse!

And you let a criminal go!

Wait...

Did you know that woman?

Who? Lily? Never heard of her.

You just said her name!

[normal voice]:
What? No. You did. [grunts]

[deep voice]: I have to go.

- [light buzzing]
- [whoosh]

Dang shadow travel.

You know I can find you, right?

I know where you live!

[zap]

[chicken clucks]

[theme song playing]

[grunting]

- [thud]
- [zapping]

[grunt]

[shutter snaps]

- [plates clinking]
- [speaking Spanish]

♪ ♪

Does Uncle Cruz know someone named Lily?

Where'd you hear about Lily?
That's his ex-girlfriend.

Wow! Uncle Cruz had a girlfriend?

- Mm-hmm.
- But he hates things like talking

and having fun and...

people. What happened?

Well, I'm guessing Uncle Cruz
constantly flaked on Lily,

so she broke up with him.

That about sums it up.

When did they break up?

Three years ago.
I was so sad when it ended.

She was my size,
so we could've shared clothes.

Well, sounds like she's
the one that got away.

- From you...
- Hey!

Cruz was pretty crushed
when she ended things.

Now I get why he's always so cranky!

He's heartbroken.

If he wasn't so crabby,
my life would be so much easier.

Yeah. Ours, too.

We need to help Uncle Cruz
find love. He can't die alone

with his protein powder and pizza pockets.

Trust me, honey, I've tried,
but he hates being set up.

He's also not an easy guy
to set up because...

he's him.

There has to be someone
out there for him.

Some people prefer to be alone.

Not everyone's lucky to find
the peanut butter to their jelly.

Actually, you're the jelly
to my peanut butter

because I'm a little nutty
and you're so sweet.

- Aw...
- Mm...

- [kiss]
- [both groan]

I have to get to school.

The gym teacher is going on vacation,

so I need to find a substitute.

You know the one thing
there's no substitute for...

Hm?

Our love.

Hello! Still digesting food here!

You know what? I'll just take
a rain check on growing.

- [humming]
- Maya: Aw!

That's so sweet you want
to help your uncle find love.

I mean, someone has to, or else

he's gonna be a cranky loner
for the rest of his life.

♪ ♪

- Did you just see that?
- See what?

- Alex was totally smiling at you!
- No, he wasn't!

- That's just his face.
- I think he has a crush on you.

You should accidentally
bump into him by his locker

and start a convo! [gasps]
I have the perfect icebreaker.

Hey. What's up.

[scoffs] I am so not doing that.

Besides, I need to focus

on finding Uncle Cruz a new girlfriend.

But, who would want to date
a total cranky-pants

who loves yelling at people,

spends all of their time at the gym,

and eats pizza pockets?

[whistling]

Settle down, everyone!

Since the school mandates I
teach you the five food groups,

I give you humanity's gift
to on-the-go eating...

pizza pockets.

- [gasps]
- [beeps, microwaving]

[whispers]: Wait.

- She loves pizza pockets,
- [ding]

spends a ton of time at the gym,

and yells at people for fun.

Pipe down!

Coach Park is perfect for Uncle Cruz.

I think you're right.

I know I'm right.

Trust me. I have this all figured out.

Now, I just have to get them to meet.

Rodriguez! Miller-Martinez! Zip it!

Drop and give me 20.

♪ ♪

See? Aw, she's perfect for him!

[sighs] I'm so excited.

[scraping dish]

[water running]

[garbage disposal running]

- [click]
- Hm. Helping me do dishes.

What do you want?

Just trying to make
my hardworking mom's life

- a little easier.
- Hm.

Speaking of which, you should ask

Uncle Cruz to sub for the gym teacher.

He needs to get out more.

Right...

Well, I am having trouble
finding a substitute,

but there is no way he'd say yes.

He does owe you for forgetting
your birthday last year.

True...

But I'm not gonna guilt trip him.

You owe me, Cruz.

Remember how you forgot
my birthday last year?

Are you trying to guilt trip me?

NINA [on phone]:
I always remember your birthday,

and I make your favorite
enchiladas from scratch.

So, that's a yes on the guilt trip.

It takes me all day, but I still do it,

despite having a full-time job,

two kids, and carpal tunnel!

- [drops weight]
- Okay.

Fine. I'll do it.

- Only if you really want to.
- [scoffs]

♪ ♪

[gym chatter]

Push with the elbows, with the elbows.

There you go. Work the core.

How exciting is this?

Uncle Cruz and Coach Park
are just moments away

from becoming a pizza pocket
filled with gym socks and love.

Aw, I can't wait to be in love!

Okay, I need help speeding things along.

I don't want Uncle Cruz to spend
another second being unhappy.

Hey, Coach Cruz.

How fun is this?

You and me, hanging out on my turf.

New experiences, new people.

In fact, why don't I introduce you

to some new people right now?

I can't stand new people.

See her over there?

That's Coach Park. What do you think?

- I think she's over-inflating those ba*ls.
- Right?

I think you two would really hit it off.

♪ ♪

[whispers]: Come on.
You can't let your superhero life

cramp your style.

[normal]: Besides, you need
to move on from Lily.

Who told you about Lily?

No one!

Lucky guess?

- Mom.
- You two need to mind your own business.

- But, I--
- No! Discussion over!

Unless you want the whole class
to run laps because of you!

Hm! Hm!

That didn't go well.

Do you think he's not ready to date?

- Maybe.
- Do you think it's too painful for him?

- Probably.
- So you're going to give up?

Absolutely not.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Paging moody uncle, party of one.

He seems okay.

VIOLET: Trust me.
The ingredients of that pizza pocket

are mozzarella and misery.

What should I do?
Coach Park and Uncle Cruz

can't fall in love if they never meet.

Why don't we discuss this during lunch?

- Everyone's waiting for us.
- Let them wait.

My hunger pangs will fuel my matchmaking.

But, I got Gracie to grab
a table next to Alex's table,

and she got her friend Cody to
make sure that Alex will sit

at the end of the table next to our table,

so it'll be like you guys
are having lunch together.

Who does all of that crazy maneuvering

just to get two people to meet and...

Why didn't I think of it myself?

Maya, you're a genius!
Thank you! [giggles]

You're welcome?

♪ Young love ♪

[singing in Spanish]

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

[zapping]

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

[singing continues]

[zapping]

♪ ♪

[zapping]

[Spanish rapping]

[zap]

[zap]

Yes!

[singing continues]

- Ah!
- [music stops]

- [gasps]
- Oh...

Those were the good beans!

I'm so sorry.

That was an accident. Uh,
l-let me help you clean that up,

and then I-I'll buy you a new you lunch!

So, I can be indebted to you? No, thanks.

Next thing I know,

you'll be asking me to help
you change a flat tire.

Can I do it under 5 minutes
with one hand? Sure.

But I'm a busy woman,
and I don't have time for your nonsense.

Ah!

I...

♪ ♪

- [laughter]
- [door shuts]

That was hilarious.

Was it? 'Cause I... I feel awful.

Don't. Coach Park always eats my yogurt

in the teacher's lounge fridge,

so she kinda deserved it.

- [laughs]
- Hi. I'm Catalina.

I'm the guidance counselor.

Oh, I-I'm Cruz.

Uh, yeah. Oh! If you're looking
for the regular gym teacher,

I'm just subbing for him
while he's on vacation.

I'm not.

I'm just hiding from the students,

taking a break from hearing
about their problems.

[laughs] Isn't it your job
to listen to their problems?

Yes. Just not 24/7.

[laughter]

Is that your lunch?

There are much better foods
that come in pocket form.

- [laughs]
- You have to try these empanadas.

They're from my favorite bakery.

I'd commit a crime
to get my hands on these.

- [clatters]
- Oh no!

I bought these
instead of paying my rent.

Not really, but I would.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

[nervous laugh] Five-second rule?

Eating off of a gym floor?
That's... pretty daring.

I like to live life on the edge.

[both laugh]

[both laugh]

Hm... Sweet.

And now, Coach Park totally
hates Uncle Cruz because of me.

Coach Park doesn't like anyone.

I know! That's why she's
perfect for Uncle Cruz!

Hey, Dad, what do you usually
do when Mom's upset with you?

Why? Did she find the thing
I hid in the attic?

- Hm?
- Hm?

No clue what you're talking about.

Good.

Because I didn't hide
anything in the attic.

But, if I did and your mom found it,

then I'd buy her flowers.

Flowers are a great idea.

- What'd you hide in the attic?
- I told you! Nothing!

Because we don't keep secrets
in this family, right?

Yep! No secrets.

♪ ♪

- Where are you going?
- Definitely not the attic.

I can't wait until Coach Park
sees the flowers

"Uncle Cruz" got her. When she does,

I know she'll totally
give him a second chance.

- [giggling]
- Are you even listening to me?

Sorry. Alex just sent me the funniest meme

of a bunny who loves hip hop.

Get it? Bunny? Hip-hop?

- [giggles]
- Unfortunately, I do.

♪ ♪

I noticed you and Catalina
hitting it off yesterday.

Who?

Our beautiful guidance counselor,

who also happens to be single!

- Good morning, everyone.
- Morning, Catalina!

Relax. Try to smile.

What's this?

"Stealing a co-worker's yogurt
is a federal offense"?

- [laughs]
- [shuts fridge]

I, uh, wanted to make sure

you had breakfast in case
you dropped your lunch

- all over the floor again.
- [giggles]

My hero.

[laughs] I don't know, you know--

Who put this in my cubby?

I don't know. Is there a card?

"Sorry I ruined your lunch.

"I'd love a second chance
at a first impression.

"X-O-X-O.

Cruz."

♪ ♪

What?

- [scoffs]
- Wait, I didn't... That wasn't...

Catalina, that wasn't me--

Slow down, cowboy. I'm not interested.

- Uh--
- Plus, I'm way out of your league,

but thanks for these.

Catalina, wait!

[sighs] No need to thank me.

And FYI, cash for the flowers is fine.

Wait, you sent the flowers to Coach Park?

Yeah, but I put your name on
the card. Pretty clever, huh?

[angry sigh]

Is this a situation where
your face is saying no,

but your mind is saying yes?

No one asked you to do that.

For the last time,
stop meddling in my life

and stay out of my business.

But, I was just trying
to help you find love.

Well, you just did the opposite of that!

♪ ♪

I'm the worst matchmaker ever.

Uncle Cruz is mad at me

and said I did the opposite
of helping him find love.

How did I help him find w*r?

You're being too hard on yourself.

[sighs] Uncle Cruz is
gonna be sad and alone

for the rest of his life because of me.

I just want him to be happy.

And I want you to be happy.

That's why you should give Alex a chance.

He's so cute and smart and funny.

You know what?

It kinda sounds like you like Alex.

What? That's not true, is it?

[gasps] Oh my gosh, it is! Ah!

[laughter]

- I do like Alex.
- You should tell him.

I will. See? You are good at matchmaking.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- About today...
- [gasps]

- [deep voice]: Stop talking.
- But, I--

Opening your mouth and having
sounds come out of it

is talking.

- [distant sirens]
- You can't avoid this convo forever.

Or I guess you can.

Just so you know,
this is why you're still single!

[zap]

- [knocking]
- Ugh. Can't I ever get a break from you?

No.

Can you please tell me what I did wrong?

I was just trying to help you
get a date with Coach Park.

- I'm not interested in Coach Park.
- [microwave whirring]

- Oh.
- [sighs]

Wait! do you like someone else?

You do! Who?

If you tell me, I'll mop the gym every day

for a month for free.

Actually, let's be real.
I'm never going to do that.

So, just tell me who you like.

Come on! Who is it?

If you don't tell me who it is, then

I'll just have to guess who
it is and set you up with them.

And you know how that turned out.
You have to tell me!

Please, please, please!

- [beeping]
- It's Catalina! Now, stop.

- [opens microwave]
- What? The new guidance counselor?

- No, the island.
- [shuts microwave]

Wow.

But, she's so friendly and normal.

I'm sorry I messed everything up.

[sighs] It's okay. I know you meant well.

♪ ♪

Even though you're always yelling at me,

I want you to be happy.

You're my nino.

[soft laugh]

- A comer.
- [giggles]

♪ ♪

[knocking]

Hey, Ms. Rivera.

I probably shouldn't be here

since someone, who will remain anonymous,

doesn't want me meddling
in their personal life.

But, I feel like I should
meddle one last time

to fix my original misguided meddling.

Okay...

So, let's say I thought
a certain grumpy guy

wanted to date a certain grumpy lady.

So, I sent the grumpy lady flowers

and said they're from the grumpy guy.

Uh-huh...

But, the grumpy guy actually
likes someone else.

Someone who isn't grumpy at all.

Someone who's really
good at guiding people.

I think I get where
you're going with this.

You do? 'Cause, honestly, I don't.

I thought I had it all figured out,

but now, it just seems like
when it comes to love,

no one really knows anything.

Sounds like you understand just fine.

[laughter]

Did you talk to Alex?

Does he have boyfriend potential?

I did, and he does have
boyfriend potential,

but not for me since he's g*y.
We had the best convo though,

and we're playing
"Active Duty" this weekend.

New friend? Even better.

- [whistle blows]
- Come on, hustle. Mm?

Look.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I was wondering,
have you heard of Rosa's cafe?

Uh, no. No, I-I don't think so.

It's a new empanada place
that I've been wanting to try.

And they actually serve
food on their plates

instead of the floor.

That sounds like how normal people eat.

[laughs]

We should check it out.

Oh... I...

I'm busy for the next six months.

- Kidding.
- [laughing]

How about... Saturday?

Sounds perfect.

Okay. I was definitely getting

some Cruzalina vibes from that convo.

Never say Cruzalina again

unless you enjoy scrubbing toilets.

But you guys have a date, right?

I'm pretty good at reading lips.
Yeah, it's a talent.

I'm right! See, technically,

my meddling worked out after all.

If I hadn't convinced Mom to hire you,

you would have never met Catalina.

I'm really feeling the urge
to do a victory dance right now.

Please don't.

And for the last time, no more meddling.

Okay. I promise to stop
meddling in your love life.

But I am gonna have to meddle
with your wardrobe.

First of all, don't wear
gym clothes on your date.

You should wear a shirt
with sleeves and buttons.

Definitely a shirt
with sleeves and buttons.

Forget it. We should go shopping.

Go finish your exercises.

- [snapping]
- Dancing counts as an exercise.

I was right. I was right.

[blows whistle]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪