01x03 - Thirdgirl

[bunniefuu]

Out there,

while people gossip

or take 10-minute breaks,

I remain at the ready.

Nothing can happen

that I haven't anticipated.

I am the gatekeeper,

the keeper of secrets,

for I am Birdgirl's assistant.

- Gillian!

- And Judy's.

My veggie gumbo

has tomatoes again.

On it, boss.

I was made for this.

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Oh, my god, oh, my god, ♪

♪ oh, my god, oh, my god. ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Who's the girl that saves the world? ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Birdgirl! ♪

Still half a million short.

Damn.

- Maybe if we sell the Northfield plant.

- We already did.

- I thought we sold Southfield.

- We did.

- Eastfield?

- No one would buy Eastfield.

It's in the middle of nowhere.

Plus, it smells like beans.

Hello?

Yuri, Charlie.

I have a property

so deep in Assburg,

- it's not on the map.

- I'll take it.

He wants East Assburg.

- I won't take a penny less than

- Are you nuts?

We got a live one here.

Don't blow it.

We've got a deal.

- We've got a deal.

- Lock it up.

Someone must have made a sale,

'cause I just piddled.

Not really.

Oh! Still 12 bucks short.

Whoa-h*, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She eats on the company dime?

- He does.

- Huh. I thought all cats were girls.

Anyway, there's your 12 bucks,

right there.

And, uh, you could afford

to miss a couple of meals.

Aaah!

Get her off me!

Sir, Peter Pants contributes

in ways you don't know,

but, fine, we'll switch him

to dry food.

- Carry the 2, and blammo we hit zero.

- Thank god.

Maybe this will stop all the

employee rumors about layoffs.

There have been rumors about

layoffs?

The shifting of resources

may mean staff changes.

In fact, I'm sure of it.

Why didn't someone tell me

"staff changes" means "layoffs"?

I'm the good CEO.

I can't lay people off.

And you won't have to,

as long as you stick

to this a*s-clenchingly

precarious balance sheet.

Speaking of a*s-clenching,

anyone headed outside?

- Well, that went well.

- You did great.

You're actually kind of

growing into this.

I kind of am.

Gillian!

I'm running late.

I'm just gonna Birdgirl

straight from here.

Fresh from the cleaner's!

- Did you

- Reinforce the pits and t*ts?

Of course.

Hey, anybody want to grab a drink?

That was close. Did he see it?

Did he see the suit?

Did he see it, you guys?

Did he see it?

Hold it up like you were.

Okay, this is very important.

No one can see the suit,

because then they'll know

that Judy is also

Wait, I almost said it.

Does Meredith know?

- Do I know what?

- Don't be mean.

Yes, I know, along with

everything else,

because I'm in your mind.

Gillian, it's kind of

a low-key secret.

It's okay for people

really close to me

to know about Birdgirl,

but I don't want everybody

knowing about it.

Judy, if even just one person

knows about

your secret identity,

then they tell three more,

then those three become nine,

then they tell three,

and it's three cubed.

You see where

I'm going with this?

Then, someone falsely claims

Birdgirl injures them

and sues Judy Ken Sebben

for all of Sebben & Sebben.

Gillian, I appreciate it.

But there are already a ton

of pictures on the internet

comparing me and Birdgirl.

Ooh, pits then t*ts.

Wah-wah.

Much better.

- Three, two, one.

- Birdgirl!

Tell no one

of what you've seen here.

I will tell no one of that.

I protect Judy's secret identity,

not for her sake but for ours.

Well, a little bit for hers.

She's so boss.

Let's get you home.

Hmm?

That was unexpected.

Energy.

"No, not same!"

Nuh-unh.

Coming in for landing.

I'll be there in three, two

Birdgirl!

Gillian, did you get

the cost-saving

- but still-delicious cat food?

- Of course.

After he eats,

can you play with him?

I got a cat so he could play

with himself,

but he doesn't,

because he's a cat.

Okay, great day today, Gillian.

You can go home now

and get some rest.

I am so amped. I'm never

gonna get to sleep tonight.

Make sure I sign those contracts

tomorrow and find something

to remove blue dye

from skin.

When I'm alone ♪

And I've got no one

to dry my tears ♪

I hear a voice

crying out ♪

In my ♪

Carl!

I can't take this anymore.

- None of us can take it.

- Eileen, I'm a grown man, okay?!

I've been out looking for a job,

and now I'm home.

I just want to spread my legs

and relax!

- You're drunk, Dad.

- You're both drunk.

Where'd this g*dd*mn cat

come from?!

Cassie, how many times

do I have to tell you

to close the screen door

when you come in?

- Dad, you're drunk. That door was shut.

- Dad, you're drunk.

You know Cassie always shuts

that door when she gets home.

You're just too drunk to notice.

My god.

That g*dd*mn cat's right.

I'm a drunk. I need to dry

out and get my family back.

- We're right here, Dad.

- We've always been here, Dad.

Risking country

music star Caleb Lee Hutchinson?

We'll always be here, Cassie,

right here, no matter what.

Unlock the door ♪

and set it free ♪

Unlock the door ♪

and let it be ♪

Dee-dee-doo.

Morning, all.

Good morning.

Good morn

Oh! Oh, my god!

Floris is dead!

- What?

- What?

No? Just resting?

Thank goodness.

Floris, refill that carafe,

you lazy bag.

Energy.

Good morning, Judy.

I haven't seen you

since 6:00 p.m. last night,

- when we both left work.

- Your dress is smoking.

- We have to fire Gillian.

- We can't fire Gillian.

Remember that a*s-clenchingly

precarious balance sheet?

Her ridiculous number of O.T.

hours has put us in the red.

I need those ridiculous hours.

My life will fall apart.

- We've got no choice.

- Unless we

- Put her in a coma.

- hire another assistant to split her workload.

Probably what Mer said.

A new employee is actually

cheaper than overtime.

Okay, great, now Birdgirl gets

an all-night assistant.

No more boring sleep.

- I'll get Gillian.

- Crudité time.

- Gillian, take a seat.

- Did I do something wrong?

- No, you did everything right.

- You're working too much.

I'm working

just the right amount

of all the time,

all the time.

Gillian, we were wondering,

you know,

would it be so bad

if we hired a night assistant?

You take normal business hours,

6:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.,

- and someone else

- Okay, perfect.

That went easier than I thought.

I'll start the hiring process

straightaway.

I already know who I'll hire.

We need someone with tight

lips and a tighter a*s

Not literally.

Just someone who can keep a secret

- and takes it deadly serious.

- Gillian said "a*s."

I'll find the one person

who can do this job.

Mm.

- Gillian!

- Gillian!

Loose lips.

Can't keep his mouth shut.

None of these people

are good enough for Judy.

Bingo.

Gillian. Hi.

- Ugh.

- Hi, Benjy.

Rumor has it, the boss is

looking for some night help.

FYI the best version of me

comes out at night.

Everyone knows that's just

stacked pubic hair, Benjy.

Besides, you're too late,

as "ushe."

- I've already found the perfect match.

- Oh, yeah? Who?

- None of your beeswax, "pube-jy."

- Okay, okay, good burn.

Welp, when you realize you're

desperate for the Benjy effect,

you know where to find me.

Nowhere near Birdgirl.

That's where.

Interestingly, she's a little

casual about her secret identity,

which means we have to be

super serious about it.

- Got it?

- Got it.

- Hyah!

- Oh, my

- Nose in the carpet, hands above the top bun.

- Oh, hello.

I'm Gennifer,

your new night assistant.

Oh, so, so sorry! She told

me you'd be starting tonight.

I'm shocked

she actually hired someone.

She's, like, totally freaked out

about people learning

my not-secret identity.

Oh, that Gillian.

Stop.

Hmmmmm.

- Show time.

- Nice job, Gennifer.

You, too, Gillian.

You're almost as good as me.

Nobody's that good.

Oh, one thing.

Never give Birdgirl

a freshly sharpened knife,

because she stores them

in her pants.

Oh, I know.

How?

Because I'm you.

You're kind of crazy.

And I quite like it.

Energy.

Another day guarding the secret

comes to a successful end.

I will paint a picture ♪

Just as another begins.

The sun rises because of me,

though I'm not the sun.

That's, like, Elizabethan for,

"what have you done

for me lately?"

When I jump inside

and walk on ♪

What the [bleep]

have you done?

That's totally normal.

Okay, so tonight is your speech

at the Harley-Davidson hogs

for a female cause.

And Friday, you have

the Women in business

male empowerment seminar,

a networking event for

businesswomen, run by men.

Got it. Let's write

the keynote for tonight.

Maybe we start with

some motorcycle slang.

"Good evening, riders.

I hope you're all keeping

the rubber side down."

Cutting. Right.

The latest numbers are in.

Productivity is way down.

People are spending

all their work hours

droning on

about the not-layoffs.

So, by worrying about layoffs,

employee productivity is down,

- which will lead to massive layoffs.

- I'll take notes.

Thanks for saying that

out loud.

I say, if they can't stop

talking about layoffs,

- do some layoffs.

- No, we have to find some way

to get a positive message

out there.

- Bwee-oop?

- No. No cheating.

Just a snap of these fingers, and

everyone forgets about layoffs

and a few of them, their names.

No, we're gonna do this

the right way.

I'll go to these functions

and deliver an upbeat view

of Sebben & Sebben.

Meredith, you do a listening tour.

Make the employees

talk so much,

they forget what they're afraid

of, but no "bwee-oop."

- I promise.

- Gillian, I forgot to tell Gennifer

I'm gonna need her

at the event tonight,

and you, both of you

there tonight

at the same time.

Can you let her know?

Uh, both of us?

There, tonight?

I'll do some Birdgirl-ing,

go to the event, then

get back to Birdgirl-ing.

It's a Birdgirl sandwich

with a hog-meat center.

Speaking of hog meat,

where is Birdcat?

Energy.

I'll find him.

I don't know, Trace,

they just put me on register,

and I don't want to lose this job.

I'll pay it all back

on Thursday, babe.

They won't even know.

My god,

even a cat can see it.

I don't need to sacrifice

my job for a man!

Get your hands off me,

and get out!

We are done and done,

and don't ever come back here!

I don't know where or how

or why or how,

but i'll get you, cat.

That cat's a freak.

He's not a freak!

He's an angel.

- Unlock the door ♪

- and set it free ♪

- Unlock the door ♪

- and let it be ♪

So, let's go

around the room,

and you tell me

what's on your mind.

Using the pads in front of you,

I want you to write down

- journaling!

- Am I in trouble here?

Is this about the layoffs?

Like, 1 to 10,

what's my risk exposure?

it!

We're all at risk!

Look, either way, I'm covered.

Protected class.

They can't fire me.

It'd look like they discriminate

against majorities.

And the majority of people would

have a big problem with that.

They might rise up,

take the power

they already have

into their own hands.

- it!

- Thanks for coming, everyone.

And

synchronize watches.

The event starts at 8:00.

Gennifer, you meet Birdgirl

at the southeastern entrance

at exactly 19:56

with Judy's outfit.

Got it.

Birdgirl, you'll steal away

behind the chocolate abyss.

Chocolate abyss?

Oh, it's a bottomless fondue pot,

which will provide you

with ample cover

to change into judy's

evening gown.

Then, you'll meet me, Gillian,

at the production booth,

where I'll drop off her

head shot to be projected on

the screen, and we'll get

Judy ready to go onstage.

Got that, Gillian?

Roger.

Le coq au vin, Gillian.

Benjy?

What are you doing here?

I never miss this event

for obvious reasons.

Benjy works

at Sebben & Sebben.

Miss Ken Sebben,

we're all pulling for you.

Finally,

a female CEO. It's time.

Introducing your keynote speaker

- Speech, speech!

- CEO, and honorary hog

Speech, speech,

speech, speech.

Judy Ken Sebben!

Hello, riders.

I hope you're keeping

the rubber side down.

I just found out we raised

over $160 million

for female causes tonight.

Isn't that something?

Uh, $160,000.

Sorry about that.

We live in amazing times.

In my company,

old ladies are no longer

considered just back-warmers.

And when it comes to my

employees, uh, if they

can't stop talking about

layoffs, do some layoffs.

Sorry, uh, bit of a mix-up.

Must be the fumes.

Just so we're clear, there are

no massive layoffs going on.

I'm gonna stop saying

the word "layoffs."

This is the absolute last time

I say "layoffs."

You were so concerned

about my secret identity,

we messed up the reason

we were here

to stop the rumors about layoffs.

- Not happy, Gillian.

- It's my fault.

You do seem to be stretched

a little thin.

What if somehow

we found the funds

to hire a second assistant

to assist you?

What about that weird kid

on the 27th floor?

The pubic-lump guy?

Yeah, he seems to be

an upper-level floater.

Super perfect way to describe him.

Benjy can fill in the gaps

- Energy.

- that Gillian and Gennifer might miss.

There are no gaps!

I mean, okay, great.

Benjy it is. I'll tell him.

I know where to find him.

We're friends.

Even though I hate him.

Your magnetic pen, ma'am?

Benjy here, reporting for duty.

I'm Benjy.

Yeah, that's me.

Hmmmmm.

Great!

Welcome to the team!

Judy Ken Sebben's office.

Judy Ken Sebben's office.

I'm a tea

drinker, Floris! You git!

Benjy!

Gillian!

Gennifer!

Judy Ken Sebben's office.

Energy.

Benjy, you're so annoying.

Aah!

Look at yourself.

You need help.

You're going to die.

Then I'm going to die,

and nobody's going to know

until a corpse dog

sniffs me out because you

have no friends and

you're always at work.

I have everything

under control.

I can't let you find out

that Judy is Birdgirl.

I know she's Birdgirl.

Energy.

- Ahem.

- Did I do something wrong?

Gillian, some things have been

falling through the cracks.

And not just the one

on your face.

I think it'd be best to get

the assistants together

- on the same page.

- Uh, let me go get them.

Yeah.

Whew.

Energy.

Energy.

The gig is up, Gennifer.

Or should I say Gillian?

Gillian, you don't

have to do this anymore.

No! I'm Gingerfer.

I'm Gengillian.

Gillian, stop.

You're making it worse.

It is with great sadness,

uh, that we must force you

to use your five months

of unused vacation time.

Fired?!

You're firing me?

Let's just put her in a coma.

I'm the only one strong

enough to keep the secret.

I'm the only one you can trust!

I gave my everythi-i-i-ng!♪

♪

And now I'm fired!

You don't run from me, missy!

No, you don't run

No, there is no Birdgirl.

No, you shut up!

There's no Birdgirl without me!

- Or me!

- Or me!

I'm the keeper of the secret!

I'm Judy's assistant!

I'm all Judy's assistants!

Oh, my god.

You can't see her change

into her costume!

Carl, we're gonna lose

the house.

Eileen, I'll get another job.

Maybe I'll get a job, too.

God damn it, Eileen.

Don't say that.

How'd that cat get in here?

Cassie!

40 pounds of dry-aged

wagyu beef.

- The real missing dead see scrolls.

- A Ferrari!

The forgotten Klimt painting!

We're gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

The cat's lick.

It's

Pointing to heaven.

That's right.

She's an angel cat.

- Unlock the door ♪

- and set it free ♪

- Unlock the door ♪

- and let it be ♪

♪ Unlock the door

and follow ♪

Oh, no, they're out of

that cute leopard print

Gennifer wears seamlessly

from morning to evening.

Hey!

You shouldn't be out.

Let's get you home.

Whoa!

Gillian!

Gillian!

Oh, sorry.

I'll find your wet food.

Aw, Gillian.

Must protect boss.

We're so tired.

- Shh.

- What happened?

Pretty sure we're gonna

make the news again.

You can watch tomorrow.

I was just trying to protect you.

Gillian, we're all

just regular people

trying to do the best we can,

- and you're better than best.

- You mean it?

Yes, but you suck

at taking care of yourself.

Rest, and tomorrow we can

talk about that vacation.

Wow, that sounds nice.

Whew. Boy, I can

I can really smell that.

Hoo!

Birdcat, coming in for landing.

I'll be there in three, two

Relax.

Half a mil in the black.

When folks saw that

the stress of working for you

turned your assistant

into a three-headed monster,

some of them decided to

pursue other opportunities.

A lot of people quit.

Veggie gumbo, extra tomatoes.

- When is Gillian back?

- I hate that guy.

♪ Hey, who's the girl

that saves the world? ♪

♪ Hey, Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Wins a fight,

unique like pearls ♪

♪ Hey, Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪

♪ Hey, Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Ultra fierce and so unique ♪

♪ Hey, Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Hey, Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Hey ♪