02x05 - With a K

[bunniefuu]

Announcer:
Come on down to Li'I Judy's.

Young Woman: Order up!
Chick chunks!

Raw, juicy,
and ready for the greaser!

Li'I Judy: [ Laughing]

You buy it, you fry it!

Boy: C-C-Crispy!

Breakfast all day long,
even after the bars close.

So many memories.

You know, I wasn't just
the mascot.

After school, I'd hitch a ride
over there and play for hours.

Sometimes I'd even
pull a shift,

flipping burgers,
rousting hobos.

And cue
nostalgia spiral.

[ Sighs ] Remember when
you could roust a hobo?

It wa... It was never
okay to do that.

Shame we shut 'em all down
long ago.

We didn't.
That's why I called you here.

- Oh, boy.
- In the past week,

12 Li'I J franchises
have been vandalized.

Oh, my God.
It's beyond repair.

Uh, this one was actually
remodeled recently.

Here we go.
Our South Assburg store.

A masked delinquent has been
defacing Li'I Judy's face

and leaving this tag,
"KK."

We think that stands for
Kaptain Khaos.

Problem isn't
the vandalism.

It's the spelling.
'Cause K for C is a '90s trope.

It's the news coverage.

It's drawing unwanted attention
to the fact that Li'I Judy's

are more rundown than
a shitter on shitty Tuesday.

I was thinking this might be
a job for your friend.

Oh, Mackenzie
from pilates.

No.

Ah, right...
Birdgirl.

Let me Mackenzie know anyway.
We may need backup.

- ♪ Hey!
- Rapping... ♪ Oh my God!...

Imitating fanfare...
- ♪ Hey!

- Rapping... ♪ Oh my God!
- ♪ Who's the girl that saves the world? ♪ - ♪ Hey!

Imitating fanfare...
- ♪ Hey!

[ Imitating fanfare ]

Birdgirl!
*BIRDGIRL*

*BIRDGIRL*
Season 02 Episode 05

[♪]

Oh! A Wanky Jr. Fun.

I got the official
mini leadership stick.

You wanna trade?

Over your dead
10-year-old body.

He's hit every Li'I Judy's
within a 12-mile radius

except this one.

Any action?
Over.

Nothing here.

Unit 3.

I assume I'm unit 3?

No, Paul,
you're unit 5.

Nobody had the courtesy
to tell...

Donner, Prancer, Vixen...
Go!

Aah!
[ Bell clatters ]

[ Grunts ]

What kind of monster
defaces an American institution

where our children come
to get their fry on?

♪ Oh

Whoa.

♪ Oh, yeah

Whoa!

I'm Kaptain Khaos...
With K's.

The most Virile of
Velar Plosives.

Uh, what's that mean?

I don't know.

Which is why
you'll remember it.

♪ Not mommy's little girl

♪ Oh

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Mommy's little girl

[ Sighs ]

♪ Va, va-da-va-voom

[ Wolf-whistles ]

Mm.
I'll deal with that later.

[ Imitates fanfare ]

We're live in East Assburg,

where the masked delinquent
has struck

yet another Li'I Judy's.

How would you describe
the assailant?

Uh, there was quite a bit
of grease smoke,

but if I had to
put a name to it,

he was half Zorro,

half that slurring
Disney pirate, and, uh...

100% hunk.

Mackenzie.

We do a pilates class together.

Is it true you sketched an image
of the perpetrator

who calls himself
Kaptain Khaos?

I dabble.

I have a message for you,
Kaptain Khaos.

When I catch you, oh,
the things I will do to you.

And I am prepared... nay,
lying fully prone in wait...

For whatever you may
have planned for me.

Ohh.

And back to you, Sandra.

I pulled a print.
Size 12, Pronater.

Probably ran
cross-country.

Luckily,
I got a litter mate

works security at 23 and Me,
owes me one.

We should have results
in three to six months.

This job's all about
relationships, kids.

Or I just rant the footage
through FaceMatch

and found all his socials
and his WikiFeet page.

There's one for men now?
Huh.

Ew! They're all barefoot.

Enhance.

This isn't
voice-activated.

I know. Enhance.

"Kaptain Khaos fancies himself
as an anti-corporate vigilante.

His goal is to take down
capitalist America

and to
'k*ll the rich.'"

Ooh, that must
harsh your buzz a bit.

Dook one for the people!

Ugh! What's the opposite
of "enhance"?

Take that, Li'I Shitty.

Just another "brocialist."

Only know what they're against,
no clue what they're for.

Give it a week,
and he'll jump to

the next trendy cause,
like canine intactiveism.

Oh. [ Clears throat ]
Sorry.

I don't know, guys.

Something about him
feels true.

[ Sighs ] Watch out.

"True" is
Birdgirl's kink.

And, apparently,
dirty feet?

It's not like that.

Sure, he's not
a great speller,

and he's rough around the edges
and clearly all man.

But you don't don a mask and
commit third-degree vandalism

unless you've got
something loud to say.

I mean, he is all-in.

[ Cup breaks ]

We've gotta stop him
from trending.

He trends,
Li'I Judy's trends.

Li'I Judy's trends, people
realize they're still open.

Let's neutralize the kook.

When you say
"neutralize"...

There's some things
it's better you not know.

Like queening.

He's got that
"it" factor.

Like a young Chevy Chase.

We have to
engage with him.

Connect... inches from his face
and body.

That's not
a touchscreen.

How do we get to him?

He always codes in
geocoordinates for his next hit

on his page
for his followers.

Looks like he'll be downtown tonight.

And our friend
will be waiting.

And this time,
she'll nail him.

Mackenzie?
Yeah, she'll totally nail him.

Calm down.[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Mm. [ Chuckles]

You sure sending Birdgirl after
that clod is a good idea?

He's so her type.

Ew! Gross!

Birdgirl might be into
that cootie bag,

but Judy isn't.

Judy isn't into anyone.
We've established that.

But Birdgirl, however,
is seemingly into everyone.

Let's see. There was the
masked guy with the metal suit.

Or the other guy with
the other metal suit.

Then the other masked guy, then
the masked guy from Chicago.

He ate deep dish?
That he did.

And every one of them,

Birdgirl was duty-bound
to bring down.

[ Sighs ] Literally.

Okay, okay.
So Birdgirl has a bad picker.

But don't forget...
Birdgirl works for me,

not the other way around.

Judy's der bosserschnitzel,

and she'll command Birdgirl
to keep it in her suit.

R-i-i-i-ight.

You know who would never

condescend to Birdgirl
like that?

Both: Mackenzie.

♪ Va-va-voom

[ Wolf-whistles ]

Uh, hello?

[ Zipper opens, urinating ]

Devil Judy:
Va-va-va-voom.

Judy?

Va-va-va-voom!

Aaah!

Aah! Aah!

[ Muffled screams ]

Judy, no!

Bad!

- [ Toilet flushes ][ Gurgling ]
- Va-va-va-voom!

It's an abomination to man.
And I hope you never see it.

Oh, I've seen it.

That's Devil Judy,

the manifestation of
her abandoned libido.

It pops out anytime
Birdgirl gets a crush.

There's not enough room in there
for both Devil Judy

and Judy's ability to
deny herself pleasure, so...

The way it was looking at me
and... and licking

its thin little lips.
[ Shudders ]

It becomes obsessed with
the first d*ck it sees,

and I really do mean d*ck.

And the only way to get it to
stop tormenting you

is to k*ll it.

But you flushed it, right?

Problem solved.

Hold me.

I'm pretty shaken up.

By Judy's libido?

Oh, you're so weak.

Oh, my God!
It's right behind you!

[ Laughs ]

[♪]

♪ Oh

♪ Oh, yeah

[♪]

♪ Sugar and spice
and everything nice ♪

♪ Are the kind of things
a girl like me doesn't like ♪

How is this helping the mission,
exactly?

[ Sighs ]
Ask me when you're 12.

I know what
you're all thinking,

and I would never
sleep with a target.

I forswore
humanly temptations

when I took the sacred
superhero oath.

That is absolutely
not a thing.

You're right.
It's not.

A-boom.

Grow up, Bird team.

Sex is a weapon, even when
you're not having it.

Which I won't.

Just be careful.

Birdgirl can be
a little rash.

Just ask yourself, "WWJD?"

Jesus?
Judy.

Ugh.
Bird team... go!

[ Imitates fanfare ]

[♪]

Where am I going?

What's my next move?
Feed me.

You're gonna turn right.
He's taking the tunnel.

Oh, my God.
Seriously?

Tunnels are both dangerous
and sexy.

♪ Think about the things we do,
the things we said ♪

♪ So who's lying now?

Ooh.

♪ Who comes crying now?

I was hoping
I'd see you again.

That makes one of us.

Why don't we drop the game
of cat and mouse?

Says the mouse.

Or am I the cat?

[ Sighs ]
This really is the worst Y.A.

♪ But you'll be back again

Oh!
Oh, I like it rough.

Which is why I don't.

[♪]

[♪]

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ 'Cause you'll be begging...

Aaah!

[ Crashing ]

Ohh![ Cat screeches ]

Charlie:
Birdgirl, can you hear us?

Oh, why, thank you.

[ Grunts ]

Upsy-daisy.

Is that your doggy?
Aww.

No, that dog
is his own owner.

I don't own things.

O-kay.

Is that your hibachi?

That hibachi is free to go
at any time.

Charcuterie?

Charcuter-please.

[ expl*si*n ]

Wanna see
some real chaos?

Kaptain Khaos:
Only if it's with a K.

Birdgirl: Ooh!

Oh!

How do you spell
"Is it in"?

Oh, never mind...
That's three words.

[ Moaning]

♪

Devil Judy:
Va-va-va-voom.

It's dead.

You flushed it.

Va-va-va-voom.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ Sighs ]

[ Radio plays ]

[ Music slows ]

♪ Va-va-va-voom

Oh!
Aah!

♪

[ Tires screeching ]

It could be the wine talking,
could be the gouda,

but whatever it is,
it's fate.

It's not fate. You, me, him, her
are all part of my grand plan.

I've been watching you, Birdgirl.

When I saw you working to
destroy the company

from the inside, I knew
we'd make the perfect team.

Get away.

If you really wanna make
a difference in this world,

you have to cut the beast off
at the foot.

Enhance.
You and me, Birdgirl,

taking down the worst offender
of them all...

Capitalism's handmaiden...
Judy Ken Sebben.

Her?
Really?

I mean... yeah, she has
horrible taste in pillows,

she doesn't shave
above the knee,

but is she really
the worst offender?

Huh. You seem to really know
a lot about her.

Oh.
[ Chuckles nervously ]

The devil, when she comes,

won't shave
above the knee.

Ugh. That was taken
out of context.

Ugh.
Just look at her.

But she's trying to
change the company.

Can I trust you?

'Cause I've procured
a high-level job

at Sebben & Sebben
under my alter-ego,

corporate sl*ve Ed Todd.

When the time is right...

Aah![ Boing!,
cash register bell dings]

Ugh!
Same guy who, uh, runs my social.

Don't move.[ Camera shutter clicks ]

I just can't
take a bad picture.

No, really.

Scientists are mystified.

- Aah!
- So, this is what the flight of shame looks like.

I assume you paired it with
a trip to Denny's.

- Aah!
- So, how'd the mission go?

We heard everything.

[ Claps ]
Everything.

Uh... And it turns out you do know
what queening means.

You let Birdgirl's carpet
run Judy's drapes.

And now
he's in the building.

We gotta eliminate him.

You're right.

I destroyed
Judy's apartment,

carpet, drapes,
and crown molding.

- Crown molding?
- Bazooms.

Birdgirl got us
into this mess,

so now Judy's gotta
get us out of it.

Her way.

Hey, Denise!

Jessica,
eczema's looking sharp.

Hugh, tell Cheryl
happy birthday.

The big 5-0!

Cheryl's 8.

Judy, I'd like you to meet
my new executive intern.

Not now, Paul.
I'm looking for...

[ Gasps ]
No, no, no, no, no.

Oh. Hi, there.
I'm Ed Todd.

What happened to you?

I'm sorry?

Do not blow this for me.

He is a genius at
stacking those cards.

Nice to meet you
for the first time ever.

How about a tour?

I always give new hires
some one-on-one.

It's just who we are.

As the CEO,
we put the people first.

We! Me!

I'm gonna need him back
for inventory!

God,
that man has a great a*s.

Two halves of
the same hairy peach.

Since I took the reins,

I've really revolutionized
the company.

We put out not one but two
products for mental health

that backfired miserably,

and I redesigned
the Popple can

for the differently handed.

Pissed a lot of
big-hand types off.

Ahh, the price of being a
capitalist activist do-goodnik.

Hi, boss.

We just wanted
to thank you

for letting us work here
another year.

You're the best boss,
and we know you really care.

- Was that... a child?
- It was.

As you can see,

we are leading the way on
sustainable corporate culture.

We made the executive decision
to switch

from single-use cups
to not...

single-use.

Um... what's in there?

Nothing exciting.

Hey!
It's nearly 10:00 am.

Hibachi for lunch?

Is it okay if I use
my own utensils?

I know they're clean.

Irasshaimase.

How many other corporations offer

on-campus cuisines
of the world?

One reason Sebben & Sebben
is number 3,428

on the list of
best places to work.

- Get away.
- Okay.

Oh.

You've hardly touched
your onion volcano.

Not enough steam?

Did you read the piece in EcoWar
about factory fishing?

What happened to you?

Uh, I thought
you loved hibachi?

Why would you...
think that?

Itadakimasu.

I think it was mentioned
on your...

Mention of yourself
t-o-o-o me.

♪

Mmm.

We eat
the floor shrimp.

We are
zero waste here.

- Get away.
- Okay.

Arigatougozaimasu.

How do you
stand this guy?!

He's so judgy
and self-righteous.

You're trying
way too hard.

It's embarrassing.

Why can't you
just be cool?

Your boyfriend
wants us dead.

He wants you dead.

He's pretty happy where we are
as a couple.

He told me so.
After sex.

I am you,
and you are me!

Judy,
I'm starting to think

that the only thing
we have in common

is that we're
the same person.

You got us into this mess
with your own untamable libido.

I won't apologize
for my carnality.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe the only way to change
the system is to destroy it.

That's it!

O-w-w-w.

You, come with me.

Don't you dare
make me call

my nonexistent
H.R. department!

You think Sebben & Sebben
is evil

and I'm a blight
on humanity?

Well, bub, you don't know
the half of it.

You want to know
what's behind that door?

All the horrific things
this company has done.

Before my tenure and... during.

The mother lode.
Why are you showing me this?

How do you think I felt
when I inherited this?

Pretty gutted.

But then,
I realized something.

I could give up
and give in

and just say the company sucks,
so let's burn it all down,

or I could work to clean up
the mess we've made,

ever day,
a little bit at a time.

It's easy to judge
from the outside,

so I'm showing you
our insides.

Your sanitizer,
it's coming loose.

Let it fall.

[ Sanitizer bottle clatters ]

I wasn't exactly
planning on this,

which may serve
as an explanation

for my somewhat retro
grooming situation down there.

Don't transcribe that.

Come and get me,
hell girl.

I dare you.

Devil Judy:
Va-va-va-voom.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Va-va-va-voom.

[♪]

Dear God,
the grotesquerie.

Good God, it's been six minutes
and it's still not in.

Oh, they're done.

Does anybody
have eyes on him?

He's still upstairs.

I put a tracker
in his hand sanitizer.

The other half
of the hairy peach.

Captured...
With a K.

Oh, God!

You don't own me,
you tiny pervert!

Unh! Unh!

No, no, no!

[ Screams ]

[ Police radio chatter ]

It's over.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

I guess it's a cheat day
for ol' B-O-B.

Excuse me, sir.

Aren't you gonna
file a report?

No.
I no longer file reports.

I'm moving on
with my life.

Va-va-va-voom.

[ Sign buzzing ]

Been dying to see you
all day.

I was wrong about
Judy Ken Sebben.

See?
I told you she's trying.

No. Actually, it's worse than we
could've possibly even imagined.

She's nothing.
A powerless figurehead.

Spends her days
touring interns around

while her team does
all the work.

These are the real masterminds
behind the operation.

Oh, boy.

If we eradicate them,
it's just a matter of time

before Judy
drives Sebben & Sebben

into the ground on her own

while we stand by
and watch it burn.

[ Muffled grunting ]

What's wrong,
Birdgirl?

[ Sniffs ]
Ahh.

Judy, in the name of
all that doesn't reek

of sensitively cured meats,
stop him!

If only you could
smell his musk,

you would understand.

Boy-oop!

Okay, I guess
my reckless dating decisions

have put my friends
in mortal danger.

Multiple times.

Oh, the deep dish guy.

Thank you
for not making me say it.

And today's the day
I grow up and say,

"I choose my friendships
over my crazy-a*s libido."

How about 80% friends,
20% booty?

I'll do it!
We both will.

The one thing that
makes us unstoppable is...

Both:
...we are the same person.

Hi, Judy.

You knew?
When?

I knew the whole time.

Oh, and by the way,
you smell like shrimp.

Damn floor shrimp.

Fine.

Maybe it's time to say
what we're all thinking.

"Kaptain Khaos"
is a ridiculous name.

"Chaos"
is spelled with a C-H.

And despite
what you may think,

I'm damn proud of
what I've accomplished

with these fine
bound and gagged people.

Paul: Will you shut up?
We're about to be flash-fried!

This corporation
you love so much,

do you know the damage
it causes?

Can you show us
in a flashback?

Do love a flashback.
Boy-oop!

Kaptain Khaos:
It was my 8th birthday.

Welcome to Li'I Judy's!

Before we welcome you
to Li'I Judy's,

please sign this contract
for 16 monthly payments

and these waivers indemnifying
Sebben & Sebben

from any responsibility.

Now have some fun!

I deep-fried everything...

Nuggets, burgers,
the car keys.

I must have
overloaded the system

because the entire place
exploded into flames.

And it k*lled my parents.

It's all my fault!

It's not your fault, Eddie.

Li'I Judy?
Is it really you?

No, it's not.

It's our fault,

and it's time for us
to come clean.

What are you doing?

A very special quiet meal
for the birthday boy!

She's not
admitting culpability!

He signed a waiver!

Plus, he had some fun!

Take it
and do good with it.

And now
you give me the button.

Are you insane?!

You'll ruin us!

[ Crashing ]

[ Grunting ]

She's gonna blow!

Don't worry.

I'll be okay.

It's with a K.

Sometimes other letters.

Making that pirate clown
think you were giving him

all our secrets, and then
turning the tables on him?

Genius!

All that incriminating evidence
up in smoke.

[ Cellphone chimes ]
I had my doubts about you,

but you're not afraid
to get bloody.

- Judy: Enhance.
- You might turn out to be

the best CEO
this company's ever had.

Uh... not including Phil,
of course.

[ Rapping ] ♪ Who is the girl
that saves the world? ♪

Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Wings of fire,
unique like pearls ♪

Hey! Birdgirl!

♪ Who's the one
they can't defeat? ♪

- Hey! Birdgirl!
- ♪ Hey! - Rapping... ♪ Oh my God!...

♪ Ultra fierce,
and so unique ♪

- Hey! Birdgirl!
- ♪ Hey! - Rapping... ♪ Oh my God!...

- Hey!
- Imitating fanfare...

Birdgirl!