[crickets and city sounds fade in]
[car approaching]
["Lotta Love" by Nicolette Larson plays]
[fans shouting]
[man] Back up! Back up!
It's gonna take a lotta love
To get us through the night...
Yo, Vil, what happened?
I thought you guys were fixing this sh*t.
I'm driving in the car like this,
putting my head out the window.
[Adam]... spilled f*ck' coffee.
[Vil] It'll be done, boss. Sorry 'bout that.
I'll get ya after the show.
I think I'm late. I think I'm late.
I'll get you guys after.
What's up? What's up? What's up?
How are we doing on time?
Doing good? How's Lester doing?
- [man] Adam!
- [crowd clamoring]
- Ask him... Ask him now.
- [Adam] Hey, young man. How are you?
What are you doing out so late
with all these crazy people?
What do you got? What is this?
Is this me... me in my house?
We got these in Manhattan.
- They sell photos of movie stars.
- You did? You know this kid?
- You're a movie star. He's my son!
- That's your son?
When's... When's his birthday?
- Tell him when your birthday is.
- No, you tell him when his birthday is.
I had COVID, I lost memory of that.
Your grandmother's a sick woman.
Come on, you said you'd sign for children!
- [man] This way.
- Don't be mad, I gotta do the show.
I'll see you in there. I'll see you.
I'll get it right after. So, go in here?
- Why didn't they lock up the alley?
- [Loughran] I tried, they're short-staffed.
- [man 2] Don't want some Chinese food?
- [Adam] What? No, I'm not eating.
- [man 2] I'll throw it out?
- I gotta change my shirt.
- [man] Dressing rooms...
- Um, is this the stage?
[Lester] You know the stiff neck is
better than one of these deals. [shouts]
- [Adam] How's he doing?
- He's doin' good.
This is a person with a stiff neck
watching a pro tennis player hit an ace.
- [shouts] Oh!
- [audience laughs]
- [Lester] Aces don't come back.
- Who booked this place?
- [man] Not me.
- Well, it's...
- [Bergie] Adam!
- Bergie, my God.
This is the worst moment of my life.
You're here. How's it going?
Skip. Nice to meet you.
I work with Bergie.
I'll pay you $1,000
to m*rder this man right now.
That's not funny!
We gotta get this stuff done.
- I got g*dd*mn coffee all over this shirt.
- [Ann] You want one of these shirts?
- [Adam] I don't know. I need a hoodie.
- Want this one?
- That'd be...
- [Skip] It's an XL.
[Adam] I don't know if we're
in the same weight class, but alright.
Put this sh*t on.
Actually, just keep it off.
- Give him a thrill, would you?
- Oh stop!
- Would you sign this stuff?
- I can't do it now.
We got 40 pieces to do.
It's for MS charity.
[Adam] I got a show to do, Bergie.
- We gotta go. We're late!
- Yeah, I know. Bergie. Bergie. Bergie.
I got it. Give me the sh*t.
I know, I gotta...
I can't do them all right now.
[Bergie] You gotta get them done!
- [Loughran] We'll get it to you.
- No, it's for MS. I gotta do this sh*t.
Let me just...
There was a kid outside I was a d*ck to.
- [Bergie] Does he have MS?
- [Adam] No.
Then absolutely not. This goes to MS.
Give him a f*cking putter.
Thank you, buddy. Come on, let's go.
- Nice to meet you, Adam.
- Thanks for the sweatshirt.
- Here's your coffee.
- Stevia?
- Of course. Going down the stairs.
- [man] Have a good set.
I'm gonna play some of
the synths in Comedy Live, if that's cool.
- [Adam] Yeah. sure.
- "Bees, maple syrup," we cut.
[Adam] Oh, let me do that if I want to!
- We'll see what happens. Alright.
- [Dan] It's in there. Jellyfish...
- [dog barking]
- [Adam] Oh!
- Whose dog is that?
- [Dan] Dunno. This place is crazy.
- [Adam] What the f*ck is going on?
- [man 5] Left and left.
[Adam] Okay, left and a left.
[Dan] 'Locked door', we have
the second verse there right now.
- Is that cool?
- [Adam] Yeah. It's, uh... Okay.
[Dan] I think we should try a vocoder.
Is that cool?
[Adam] Yeah, yeah.
That'll be funny. So I just...
- I just sing normal?
- [Dan] You do it totally normally.
- Alright.
- [Dan] Everything you do is the same.
Excuse me, Mr. Sandler,
I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Not at all. What's doing?
Wonder if you could do me a big favor
and say a few words to my son, James.
- Absolutely.
- He's in the hospital.
Let me do this show...
Oh, he's in the hospital.
He had a big accident on his scooter.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- He really injured himself.
And he's a big fan of yours.
- [Adam] Alright, I'll see...
- James.
- [Adam] He's here?
- [woman] I've got Mr. Sandler right here.
[Adam] Oh.
- Hey, James!
- No way! No way!
- Yeah.
- Is that Mr. Sandler?
- Hey, man!
- Oh my God...
You landed on your face, huh, bro?
Mr. Sandler, I'm not feeling good.
- I see that!
- Please come see me in the hospital.
I would love to see you, man. [chuckles]
I'm doing a comedy show right now.
You're going to be okay!
Mr. Sandler, I promise
I'm not gonna make it.
- I'll see ya...
- [Willie] Adam.
- Definitely...
- Good show.
- Thank you.
- Alright, I'll set up.
- Have a good show.
- Adam!
Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Pardon me.
- [Willie] Great audience.
- You were fantastic. Thank you so much.
- You guys were great.
- They made me feel real.
Willie and Lester, you guys...
- [Loughran] Ladies and gentlemen...
- This means a lot to me.
[Adam] The crowd loves you.
[Willie] Appreciate that.
Please give it up for Mr. Adam Sandler!
- [Willie] Go get 'em, Adam.
- Let's go.
[Lester] Take care!
Break a leg!
- [music playing]
- [Adam] That was already insane.
I don't know what happened.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
- [cheers and applause]
- Thank you very much. Thank you. Alright.
Don't do that. I love ya. Alright!
Hi. Hi! How are you?
Alright, guys. Bulla.
Nice to see you all!
What's up?
Hi, guys!
[cheers and applause continue]
Alright, I love you. Thank you so much!
Alright, we got a whole show.
Alright. Thanks a lot, everybody.
I love you.
Thanks for coming out.
What's going on with the...
- Why is that doing that?
- [Dan laughs]
- Why's the...
- [tech] We're working on it.
A computer issue. We're working on it.
Got a computer... Alright.
So what? You want to wait for...
Should I wait?
[tech] No, no let's not wait.
Let's keep going.
We're gonna get them working.
It'll be fine.
Let's just go.
Alright. Yeah, alright.
Okay, so, just go and we'll do this,
because we got so many things
that we're supposed to show up there.
[Dan laughs]
Alright. It's alright.
- We'll, we'll...
- [audience laughs]
No, no, no.
That's what it's gonna look like?
I don't know.
[tech] We're gonna k*ll them.
This is, uhh, Splenda you put in here.
You f*cked me.
It was supposed to be Stevia.
[Dan chuckles]
- [tech] Let's k*ll the monitors, please.
- Just k*ll the monitors. Yeah.
Just go to black.
- Yeah. Alright.
- [audience whoops]
- [audience applauding]
- Ladies and gentlemen. What a... Thank you.
- [applause continues]
- Alright. Alright.
So, I was eating grapes.
[audience laughs]
I was eating some grapes.
It was going good.
- This guy I was with goes, "You!"
- [crowd laughs]
I was like, "What, what?"
He goes, "You... You've changed."
I said, "Get out of here,
I always liked grapes."
And, uh...
He's like,
"I don't like this version of you."
And I said, "f*ck,
I've been eating grapes my whole life,
calm the f*ck down."
He goes, "I'm leaving"
I said "Well, get outta here, then."
"I've had enough of you too."
So, anyways, he left,
and then I said to the man
who was feeding me the grapes,
I said, "What do you think?
You think I changed?"
And he's like, "No."
And I go, "He changed, right?"
He goes, "Yeah!"
"He changed, Sandman."
A woman outside said to me,
"Hey, I got a tattoo of you on my calf."
I was like, "Alright, that looks good."
And she's like, "Yeah, I like it too."
And then her husband goes,
"Adam, can I talk to you?"
"Come here for a minute."
I go, "What's up, dude?"
He goes, "You think I like that bullshit?"
"f*ck' makin' love to my wife?
Got her legs up here."
"I look over,
I see your f*cking ugly face?"
"You think I like that bullshit?"
I go, "Oh, well..."
"You don't gotta look."
He goes, "How am I gonna finish, Adam?"
"I've grown accustomed to your face."
I got a letter recently from a man.
I opened it up and it says,
"My name is Charlie Mungo."
"I am one-foot tall,
and I'm gonna sh**t you."
I was, like, "Uh-oh."
Anyways, a couple weeks goes by,
I get this... another letter.
Open it up.
"It's me, Charlie Mungo."
"Still one foot."
"You're f*cking dead, Sandman."
I was like, "Whoa. sh*t.
This guy means business."
Couple weeks goes by,
same kind of scribble-scrabble
on this envelope.
I go, "Here we go." I open it up.
It says, "f*ck you."
"You don't deserve to live, Sandman."
"This is Charlie Mungo."
"You will pay for your sins." [laughing]
"P.S."
"Still one-foot tall."
I was like "f*ck, man."
My friends were like,
"You gotta report that sh*t."
"That's gotta go to the FBI, you know?"
I said, "You know what? f*ck it"
"I'm not telling nobody
'cause then Charlie Mungo wins."
"Gotta just live my life, you know?"
You know what I'm saying.
I did get bulletproof socks.
[audience clapping]
So, uh...
- [keyboard plays softly]
- Um, what happened?
Yes, so, what is that?
Huh?
Coffee with Stevia.
- [clapping]
- Huh?
Sorry, it was Splenda.
It was Splenda!
- You're good!
- I'm good, man! I f*cking knew it!
[piano chord plays]
Well, I love you.
I'm glad you were honest.
Mm-hmm.
[smacks lips] That's Stevia, yeah.
Thank you, buddy. Thanks for confessing.
[piano tune playing]
[angry man] Why don't you
shut the f*ck up with that laughing?
Hang on. Hang on.
- Everything okay over here?
- [woman 1] Shut the f*ck up!
- [woman 2] They won't be quiet.
- Who won't be quiet?
[woman 3] He threatened
to put him in his place.
- Oh, you guys, don't worry.
- [woman 2] Because we're laughing.
Alright. Well, everyone laughs
in... in their own way. [chuckles]
How about you don't look
at each other the whole show.
But you can f*cking laugh.
You guys laugh, you guys laugh.
Then, after the show,
we'll all get in a massive fight.
[laughter and applause]
- [piano playing]
- Alright. Don't worry. I love you.
You guys just have a good time.
She's got long brown hair
Tied up in a little red bonnet
She's got a pretty white blouse
And a basket with fresh fruit upon it
She's got a glow in her cheeks
And a fire inside
Sitting in a beautiful countryside
Oh, masturbating
To the lady on the box of raisins
- [piano stops]
- [laughter]
Alright.
So that... [chuckles]
It was supposed to be, uh...
You were supposed to show her up there.
- Goddammit.
- [applause]
[tech] We're working on it.
I think we have a...
The computers are very old.
Just trying to figure out...
Nobody wanted to chip in
and get a f*cking new one?
[laughter]
I was, uh, at a restaurant recently.
I was eating a hamburger,
having a nice time.
A guy comes up and says,
"Can I take a picture of your hamburger?"
I said, "Uh, how come?"
He said, "I'm from Spain."
I said, "You guys got hamburgers."
He goes,
"Yeah, but that's a big juicy one."
[chuckles] So I go,
"Alright, take the picture, bro."
Then like, 20 minutes, he's taking
a picture of another guy's hamburger.
And I go, "What's going on, bro?"
And he goes, "This one's bigger."
And then I go,
"Well, f*cking delete mine, then."
I, uh... [chuckles]
I took the family to the f*ck' circus.
We're having a good time.
The clown car comes out.
They got 15 f*cking clowns
in one little tiny car.
My kids were like,
"Holy sh*t. How they doin' it?"
I said, "I don't know.
They're f*cking pros."
Anyway, we were driving home,
the kids are still talking about it.
"f*cking incredible."
All of a sudden, the little car
rolls up next to us on the highway.
I'm like, "Kids, look over there.
All 15 f*cking clowns are in there."
My kids are like, "Yeah! Great show!"
They're, like, smoking butts.
Like, "Yeah, whassup?" You know?
"It's all good, baby. Alright."
And then they hit an oil slick.
And they f*cking spin.
I was like, "Holy sh*t,"
and it f*cking kept spinning and sh*t.
My kids are like, "What's happening?"
Then they hit the guardrail.
I was like, "Oh no!"
They're sliding across,
I hit the f*cking brakes.
It goes right past,
it hits the truck, f*ck' blows up.
We were like, "Did we just see that sh*t?"
That was horrible. My kids are crying.
I was like,
"Goodness gracious, this night changed."
Anyways, we went to the funeral.
And, uh, we get there...
One coffin, all 15 of them,
and I was like, "They still got it, man."
"These f*cking guys still got it."
Thank you so much.
You guys are my best friends.
Thank you.
[upbeat piano tune playing]
Yeah, yeah.
She's the happiest she's been in years
He puts on a big smile on her face
- [piano falls]
- Oh sh*t!
Whoa, you son of a b*tch!
[audience laughs]
That's gonna happen. That's all fine.
- It's all part of the plan.
- [Dan chuckles]
What happened? Uh, why did that happen?
It's a f*cking...
There's a hole in the ground.
- Alright.
- There's a hole in the stage.
It's all working out tonight.
So, what do we do right now?
- So we do the whole show like this?
- Digby... Yeah.
- What's up, buddy?
- [Dan chuckles]
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Will you see if there's
a good monitor down there too?
- [piano riff]
- [audience laughs]
Yeah, yeah, let's...
Alright.
- Lauren.
- Lauren.
[audience laughs]
Thank you. Sorry, everybody.
We're gonna get this right.
I like that chicken parm shirt.
That's funny.
- [Dan] We could just do...
- [Adam] What is that?
Oh, a f*cking lunch tray?
There's no way that's going to work.
There's no way...
Are you f*cking kidding me?
- [applause]
- Nice job.
Holy sh*t, you guys are good.
This is a bad sign, everybody.
Okay, let's go.
[upbeat piano tune playing]
She's the happiest she's been in years
He puts a big smile on her face
He's got a good job
And me and my parents love the dude
You can tell
That he's gonna be faithful
The whole family is happy as hell
My sister's got an ugly new boyfriend
- [piano stops]
- [laughter]
Thank you. Thank you.
We needed that one, guys.
We needed that one.
Hoo!
- [soft piano tune plays]
- Alright. Alright.
Let's see what we got here.
Hmm.
Let's see how we do on this one.
A little guitar.
Only if you encourage me
with some applause.
You want some guitar?
[audience cheering and applauding]
Here we go!
[strumming twangy melody]
[audience whooping and clapping]
[strumming chords]
[audience cheers and applauds]
[dramatic flourish]
[cheers and applause]
[guitar melody continues]
[dramatic flourish]
[audience cheers and applauds]
- [flourishes continue]
- [audience continues reacting]
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers and applauds]
[flourishing guitar solo continues]
[guitar solo intensifies]
[audience cheers and applauds]
Every day I'm mutterin'
Mutterin' under my breath
[country western tune playing]
Hyah!
[mimics whip cracking]
[mimics horse neighing]
If you ask me to do a task
Hyah!
[mimics whip cracking]
I do it every time
Hyah! [mimics whip cracking]
But the whole time that I'm doing it
[mimics horse neighing]
I'll be mutterin' under my breath
[low] How come
I gotta do this f*cking sh*t?
No one else could have done it?
I'm f*cking sick of this crap, man.
All they do is sit there all day.
I do every f*cking thing in this house.
f*ck these people.
[chuckles]
Things I'd never say to your face
Hyah!
[mimics whip cracking]
But the second that you're gone
Hyah! [mimics whip cracking]
I mutter like a crazy as*h*le
[mimics horse neighing]
While I angrily mow the lawn
[low] How come I'm f*cking mowing
this sh*t? g*dd*mn this f*cking house...
They can't do nothin'. f*ck'...
They know how to start this f*ck' thing.
f*cking bullshit, it's always me.
The f*ck' grass just grows back.
Why the f*ck am I out here?
I can't stand these m*therf*ckers.
[muttering]
Rake the leaves
I'm mutterin'
Shovel snow
I'm... [laughs]
I'm mutterin'
Go to the bank!
You know I'm mutterin'
Take out the trash!
There's mutterin'
When there's toys
At the bottom of the pool
Left there by my daughter
As I swim down to get them
I'll be mutterin' underwater
[low, bubbling] You can't get
your own f*cking toys?
Or at least buy f*cking toys that float?
What the f*ck has happened
to my f*cking life?
[mimics horse neighing underwater]
Everyday, I'm mutterin'
Hyah!
[mimics whip cracking]
Mutterin' under my breath
[mimics horse neighing]
[chuckles]
Then one day my wife
Overhears what I'm saying
And immediately slits
My throat
[dramatic flourish]
[cheers and applause]
You guys are the f*cking best! I love you!
I love you! I need you! Help me!
So, my grandparents retired,
and that was nice.
And then my grandmother panicked.
She's like, "Oh no, we have no income.
How we gonna pay for things?"
So she opened
a kissing booth in our driveway.
She built a little booth,
put a little sign.
"$20 a kiss."
Every car was just whizzing past.
My grandfather comes out,
- gives her $20 and gave her a kiss.
- [crowd awws]
And then, he gave her another $20,
gave her a longer kiss.
Then he gave her another $20.
Kind of a deeper,
mouth-open kind of thing.
Went up the back of the thing,
snapped the f*cking bra.
Pulled the bra out,
whipped it on the ground,
got the hands rolling.
The belt line, then got the hand in,
went some buns.
A little bun-smacking, went down
the middle, finger tapping and sh*t.
And then we were all like,
"This is f*cked up,"
uh, because it was my other grandfather.
[audience exclaims]
Yeah. [chuckles]
They used to flirt, but we didn't know...
We didn't see that coming.
Uh... [chuckles]
Um... Yeah, so I, uh...
my wife is younger than me.
- Anybody have a younger wife here?
- [man shouts]
You do, right?
You understand what I'm saying?
My wife's eight years younger than me.
That was fine when we were young,
because... now that we're older,
she still looks good, I'm starting to look
a little beaten. Know what I mean?
And I don't wanna...
I don't want to do plastic surgery.
I'll never do that.
I did try Botox...
on my d*ck.
I Botoxed my d*ck.
I wanted to make her...
a freshening-up, give her a better...
a younger-looking d*ck to slap around.
I felt like... I felt bad for her.
My d*ck was starting to get a little...
a little worn-looking.
You know, a little...
Almost like it needed a cane.
It was always kind of leaning.
Scoliosis d*ck.
Kind of leaning on the right ball.
My left ball was always like,
"How the f*ck do I get left out?"
My right ball was like,
"Shh, you're gonna wake him."
"Let him rest. He's tired."
But anyways, I Botoxed my d*ck.
Fellas, I know you're saying,
"You can do that?" Don't do it.
You're better than that.
You don't need that sh*t.
So I Botoxed mine. The problem is,
it takes the wrinkles away.
A flaccid p*nis needs wrinkles
to show that it's flaccid, you know?
That's why God
gave you wrinkles for a reason.
Pull your pants down, a girl sees.
You go, "No, it gets better than that."
"You just gotta wait."
Anyways, I took the wrinkles away.
I'm in the f*cking, g*dd*mn,
uh, YMCA locker room.
I'm naked. A couple of guys walk in.
I hear, "You got a b*ner." I go, "No, no!"
They go, "That's a b*ner."
I go, "That's not a b*ner."
They go, "No wrinkles.
That's a full-on hard-on."
I go, "No, this is Botox.
I Botoxed my d*ck."
They go, "That's a full raging hard-on."
"That's a young-looking d*ck.
Like it belongs on a third-grader."
I go, "That's 'cause
it's not a f*cking b*ner."
"This is a normal f*cking flaccid d*ck."
I said, "Would a b*ner face down?"
They go, "Yours does."
I said. "Shut the f*ck up, man.
Don't worry about my d*ck."
"Just you get f*cking dressed
and leave me alone."
So, anyways, I went home.
I was disappointed,
reeling from the insults and sh*t.
I'm very close to my dog,
so my dog comes in and goes,
"What's up? What happened?"
I go, "What?"
My dog's like, "You look so sad."
I go, "Ah, that f*cking YMCA."
He goes, "What?"
I go, "The f*cking guys
were making fun of me."
He goes, "What, what?"
I go, "I f*cking Botoxed my d*ck."
He goes, "I saw. I remember."
And I go...
And I go, "Well, they f*cking
were saying I had a b*ner and sh*t."
He goes, "Did you?" I go, "Yeah."
But... [chuckles]
"No, I didn't."
"I didn't have a b*ner, man.
It was a f*cking, normal flaccid d*ck."
But he goes, "Hey, hey.
Here's what you do. You paint it pink."
And I go, "Why?"
He goes, "I have a pink d*ck."
I said, "I know, I've seen that."
He goes, "Everybody loves it."
I go, "Nobody loves your pink thing!"
He goes, "The f*ck you talking about?"
"Every time my pink d*ck comes out,
I always hear..."
"Look at the pink d*ck on the dog!"
"Look how pink his c*ck is!"
No one talks about big or small.
They're like,
"That is the pinkest, f*cking,
wettest-looking c*ck I've ever seen!"
"It's bringing so much joy to me!"
And they hug and laugh and high-five.
"That's what a d*ck should do, man!"
And I'm like, "I dunno."
He goes,
"Will you at least think about it?"
I go, "Yeah, I'll think about it."
Then I look down through the fur,
this pink hog starts oozing out,
growing and growing.
I go, "What is happening?" He goes,
"I'm just excited you'll think about it."
- [audience laughs]
- [pleasant piano tune playing]
[Adam] Yes. Yes.
Driving back from Disneyland
Going over all the fun
What was best? Space Mountain?
Or getting wet
On the Grizzly River Run, yeah!
Greatest time of our kids' life
What a magical moment
For me and my wife
Then I miss our exit
And I scream, "f*cking c**t!"
And it's like
Disneyland never happened!
[music stops]
That's a mistake.
And my kids, uh...
The f*cking best time of your life
with your kids, right?
Don't you love your kids
more than anything?
I remember when my daughter was born.
I'll never forget what my father said,
My father said
"You're gonna drop the baby."
"That's going to happen."
I go, "Oh, okay."
He goes, "That sh*t happens. That's life"
[chuckles]
"You drop the baby, f*ck it,
but you pick the baby up
and you don't f*cking make a big fuss."
"Because the baby's gonna be like,
'What the f*ck?'"
"That wasn't supposed to happen?"
"You play it off like that's life."
"You pick the baby up, look at it."
You go, 'What's up? You're alright.'
"Okay, I guess, Dad."
"No, no, that's life."
"You drop the baby.
What are you gonna do? You're busy."
"You got the f*cking groceries
in your hand. You got..."
"You got the baby, drop the baby,
you got the groceries."
"You look down, put the baby on your foot,
you f*ck' kick it up,
catch the baby, you keep going."
"You look at the baby.
'Hey, how you doing, man?'"
"'Everything good?'"
"The baby's, like, 'I guess.'
Yeah, that's life, you know?"
He's like, "I f*cking dropped your
little brother f*cking 30, 40 times.'"
I go, "I got a little brother?"
He goes, "You did."
- [audience laughs]
- But, uh... [chuckles]
My father...
[chuckles]
My father used to always go for the belt.
He'd be like, "You're gonna get the belt!"
f*cking, I don't do that with my kids.
Just 'cause I wear sweatpants.
I'm like, "You're gonna get the tassels!"
"Daddy gonna... Daddy gonna get you!"
I went to the daddy...
[chuckles]
I went to
the daddy-daughter dance recently.
She didn't f*cking show.
Son of a b*tch!
Standing there with a corsage.
- [somber piano plays]
- Heartbroken.
[clears throat] By the way,
if this could work, it would be great.
Honestly, would it... can it work?
- No? Not to be a d*ck.
- [piano tune stops]
[tech] If I knew it was gonna take
this long, obviously, I'd have waited...
- You're doing a good job.
- You sound snippy, though.
Don't you sound a little snippy
for a guy who f*cked me this hard?
[tech] We're working on it.
Don't worry about it.
- Alright. [sighs]
- [piano continues]
Sleep in late
Eat a big breakfast
Walk the dog
Watch the news
Go to the bathroom
Start my laundry
Go on the Internet
Buy some new shoes
Leave the apartment
For lunch with my landlord
Come back home
Take the dog for a walk again
Turn on my TV
Watch Jerry Maguire
I've seen it before
But I'll watch it again
Pretty good day
Pretty good life
I am clinically depressed
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
Alright, sorry.
So, uh, I'm sorry.
That was... ehh...
[chuckles]
So, I'm at the f*cking airport...
ever have a guy say to you,
"Hey, can you watch my bag
while I go to the bathroom?"
And you're like, "What?"
This guys like, "Watch my bag
when I go to the bathroom?"
I'm, like, "Alright."
Then he leaves.
Now I'm in charge
of this f*cking guy's bag?
I'm like, "What the f*ck?
I don't want to f*ck' sit here..."
"How long's this guy gonna be gone,
I gotta watch his bag?"
You're looking, the bag
starts moving a little bit.
You're like, "What the f*ck
is going on in the bag?"
It starts making little noises.
You start hearing, "Help me."
You're like, "Help me?
What the f*ck. What's in the bag?"
Unzip the f*cking bag.
g*dd*mn lantern in there.
You're like, "What?"
"Help. Get me out."
You're like, "Get me out?"
Take the lantern out.
You're like, "Come on, rub that sh*t."
You're like, "Rub it?"
You start rubbing it and f*cking...
A little genie comes out
like, "Thank you."
And you go, "Yeah, m*therf*cker."
And the genie's like,
"That guy's a f*cking d*ck."
You go, "Who?"
"The f*ck' guy who went to the bathroom."
You go, "I don't know him."
He's like, "Yeah, he's a f*cking psycho."
You go, "Okay."
And he's like, "I'm yours now."
You're like, "No, no.
You're that guy's genie."
He's like, "He's a d*ck. f*ck him!"
"This is our thing now."
"Three wishes, take 'em.
But hurry up, the guy's a f*cking psycho."
And I'm f*cking panicked, like,
"What the f*ck?"
"Go ahead, do a wish."
And I go, "Uh, can, uh..."
"Can you make hamburgers,
uh, uh... good for you?"
He goes, "Yeah."
I go, "Okay, alright."
He goes, "Hurry up. Do two."
"How 'bout, when I eat string beans,
it tastes like hamburgers."
He goes, "Are you f*cking obsessed
with hamburgers?"
I go, "You got me nervous and
you keep saying the guy is a psycho."
"I'm f*cking panicking."
He's like, "Hurry, put me in the...
Put me back in, the guy's coming!"
I go, "Who?"
He goes, "The guy! He's a psycho."
I put the f*cking...
Open the bottle, the genie goes in,
I put the... zip-up and all that sh*t.
The guy comes back,
he's like, "Thanks, man."
I go, "Yeah, no problem."
He's like, "Oh, man, that was
a f*cking perfect sh*t I just took."
And I go, "Oh, cool."
He goes, "I f*ck' rocked that sh*t out!"
I go, "Good, man."
He goes, "That was a no-wiper, man."
I go, "Okay."
"f*cking perfect.
Nothing better than the 'no-wiper.'"
I go, "How do you know it was a no-wiper?"
He goes, "I just know it."
I go, "Well, no, you got to test that.
You got to test a no-wiper."
"Where I come from,
a no-wiper is, you wipe, and then you go,
'Oh sh*t, I didn't need to wipe.'"
And he goes, "Nah, it's a f*cking feeling.
You just know."
I go, "Well, you can't
f*cking guarantee that."
He's like, "No, you can.
f*cking look, I feel great."
I go, "I would test that one out."
He goes, "Alright, I'll test that out,
I'll prove to you it was a no-wiper."
He goes, "It's about the feeling."
I go, "Oh... you know."
And so he goes back,
and then I f*cking unzip the valise,
and all that sh*t,
take the thing out, rub the thing.
The genie comes out.
He goes, "That was f*cking hilarious.
You f*cked with him!"
I go, "Well, it's true.
You gotta f*cking... you gotta test it out."
He's like, "Uh, I'm just glad he's gone."
He goes, "Give me the third wish,"
and I go, "Third wish, third wish."
He goes, "You want a big d*ck?"
I go, "I don't know."
He goes,
"Take the big d*ck."
And I go, "I don't f*cking know."
"Shouldn't I ask
for world peace or some sh*t?"
He goes, "Yeah."
"Take the big d*ck."
"You'll love the big d*ck.
Nobody's disappointed with the big d*ck."
I go, "I feel like an as*h*le
at this time in the world."
"Let me get the world peace."
He goes, "Alright.
So you got the two burger things..."
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]
"...and, you got the f*cking world peace."
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah."
He goes, "Okay."
I say, "So that's gonna happen now?"
He goes, "Well, you gotta transfer powers
with the other guy."
I go, "Okay, I thought I'm your guy."
He goes, "But he was... It's a whole thing.
You gotta do the swap."
So I go, "How do you do the swap?"
He goes, "You whack him off...
If you whack him off, then I'm yours."
I go, "I gotta whack that guy off?"
He goes, "You whack him off,
then all that sh*t happens."
And I go, "I don't really
want to whack him off."
He goes, "You don't want world peace?"
And I go...
I go, "I do, but I don't want
to f*cking whack off that guy."
"I don't even know that..."
I go, "I don't f*cking whack off anybody,
and I don't even know this dude."
He goes, "It's quick,
whack him off, surprise him,
get it done, and then we got
two hamburger things for you,
and the f*cking world peace,
and it's worth it, brother."
I go, "Alright, man."
So, I go into the bathroom,
get in the...
The f*cking guy, his pants are off.
Underwear off, socks are off.
Still has the shirt on.
- I go, "What the f*ck?"
- He goes, "You were right."
"That was f*cking..."
"I mean, it was everywhere."
[chuckles]
"I had it on my f*cking thighs, my knees."
"I was like, 'What the f*ck?'"
"I thought it was a no-wiper!"
I go, "I don't know."
"Back of the legs. I was, like, 'f*ck.'"
"I threw my underwear out, you know!"
"f*ck, man!"
Then I just grabbed his d*ck fast
I jacked him off, and he blew his load.
He was like, "Whoa, what the f*ck?"
And he's laying on the floor
in his sh*t and jizz,
and he's like, "Whoa, man!"
[chuckles]
He goes,
"This is the best f*cking airport, man!"
"I love it here."
I walk out there, you know.
I see the genie.
I go, "Hey, bro,
mission accomplished. We did it."
He goes, "You whacked him off?"
I go, "Yeah."
He goes, "Did he finish?"
I said, "He's f*cking done."
Then, uh, he looks at me.
I go, "So we got that world peace,
we got the double burger sh*t?"
He goes, "Uh, you're gonna be mad at me."
I said, "What happened?
Why am I gonna mad?" He goes...
[sighs] "So anyways,
that dude's third wish,
was to get a handjob from Ben Stiller."
[audience laughs]
And I go, "What the f*ck?"
"I'm not Ben Stiller."
He goes, "My bad."
[laughter and applause]
- [piano tune plays]
- Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you!
You guys are so sweet. Thank you.
Okay, you want to get funky?
Let's get funky together.
f*ck this sh*t.
It's time to get funky. You alright, man?
[funky piano tune playing]
I gotta get dressed.
[man] We love you, Sandman!
Maybe go a little faster.
Alright.
Yeah, yeah.
Are you ready to get funky?
[cheers and applause]
[funky bass line playing]
Yeah!
Old guy with a kid
Started too late
Now he's paying for it
Old guy with a kid
At the soccer practice
Facing the wrong way
Old guy with a kid
Also has a middle-age son
He never sees
Old guy with a kid
Just fell asleep at the Chuck-E-Cheese
Yeah!
[funky riff playing]
[scattered whooping]
[light clapping]
[audience members whoop]
Grandma in yoga pants
Not exercising
Just looking f*cking crazy
Grandma in yoga pants
From behind she looks
Like an ice cream cone
Grandma in yoga pants
That's not a camel toe
It's a walrus foot
[chuckling lightly]
Grandma in yoga pants
When she takes them off
Her belly button coughs
Yeah!
[funky riff playing]
[clapping and scattered whoops]
[cheers and applause]
Bulldog in a Halloween costume
[chuckles]
He's a bumblebee
And he don't look happy
Bulldog in a Halloween costume
He's just a dog
But he understands dignity
Bulldog in a Halloween costume
His grandpa was a wolf
Now he's wearing antennas
Bulldog in a Halloween costume
When you get home
You're gonna get bit
Yeah!
[funky riff playing]
- [cheers and applause]
- [funky riff continues]
[audience clapping in rhythm]
Guy with a backpack at the movies
Now I can't focus
On what Spider-Man's doing
Guy with a backpack at the movies
Every time he moves I sh*t myself
Guy with a backpack at the movies
Sitting right between me
And the f*cking exit
Guy with a backpack at the movies
Pulls sh*t out
Thank God, it's Twizzlers
[funky riff playing]
- [funky riff pauses]
- [cheers and applause]
Wow!
Dah!
- [funky riff continues]
- [audience clapping along]
Alright!
[whispers] Okay, let's take it down.
[whispering] Let's break it down, y'all.
Fat cop on a horse
Both breathing heavy
Are they gonna make it?
Fat cop on a horse
Praying nothing happens
At this f*cking parade
Fat cop on a horse
What did he do
That they took away his squad car?
Fat cop on a horse
A trail of manure
But it's coming from the cop
Yeah!
- [music stops]
- [audience laughs]
[cheers and applause]
You guys are fun.
Thank you.
Splenda.
That was the Splenda one. That f*cking...
How about the word, "Answer."
You ever think about that word, "Answer"?
And go, "How did that happen?"
The spelling of "Answer." A-N-S...
W...
"W"? What the f*ck?
- [dog barks]
- What?
- [Dan] Oh sh*t.
- [audience exclaims]
I told... What the f*ck is happening?
Whose f*cking dog is it?
You want to watch the show, or...
Hello!
Hello, dog!
How are you, dog...?
- Yep, good doggie...
- [man whistling] Run!
Alright.
- What's the dog's name? You know?
- Gary.
[Adam] Gary?
Hello, Gary!
Hang on, Gary! Sit! I want to see
if I can get that pink thing going.
- Let's go.
- [crowd laughs]
Just tickling you, Gary!
Just a little tickle!
Later, Gary. Good boy. Way to go, Gary.
sh*t, man.
Anyways, we've lost control.
[laughter and clapping]
Alright, I'm leaving.
Alright, f*cking...
Did I... I ask you guys,
what about the word "Answer?"
The word, "Answer," goddammit.
How the f*ck did "A-N-S-W..."
"W"? How the f*ck did that happen? sh*t.
I know, I'm going to tell you.
So, anyways, Merriam-Webster
is typing up the first dictionary.
A very smart dude.
He's f*cking got big words, definitions.
He's going f*cking nuts.
He's got a pipe and all that sh*t.
His mother comes into the room.
"Let your brother do one."
And Merriam's, like,
"No, no. no. This is my book, Ma."
"Please? You're so... You have everything."
"He's so sad in the other room."
"Make him feel
like he accomplished something."
Then, the brother comes in,
"Hey, Mom said I could do one?"
Merriam-Webster's, like, "Go ahead."
He goes, "Answer." "A-N-S"...
"W..."
"Seven."
"Semicolon."
Merriam-Webster goes, "You know what?
I'll give you the f*cking 'W.'"
Brother's like, "You'll give it to me?"
"Am I f*cking charity case?"
"I'll f*ck you up, man."
"I'm gonna join the Army one day
and come back and f*ck you up for good."
"I'm going to become
a colonel, m*therf*cker."
"Colonel. C-O-L-O-N-E-L."
"Spell it like that
or I'll f*ck you up right now, man."
"Put that in that book."
f*ck' Merriam's like,
"Alright, dude, that's enough."
"I'll tell you when it's enough,
m*therf*cker. 'Enough.' E-N-O-U..."
"G..."
"H."
"'G-H' is a fuh sound, f*ck face."
"Aw, you gonna have an asthma attack,
m*therf*cker?"
"Asthma."
"A-S-T..."
"H..."
"'M-A, ' f*ck."
"Put it in the book."
"Stick a salmon up your a*s."
"Salmon. S-A-L-M-O-N."
"Write it like that or I'll beat you
from here to Connecticut."
"Connecticut. C-O-N-N-E-C..."
"That makes sense."
"...TICUT."
"I'll f*ck you up every Wednesday,
m*therf*cker."
"Wednesday. W-E-D-N..."
"What? What?
Why'd you look at me like that? N!"
"...nesday."
"Damn, I'm gonna beat your a*s."
"Damn. D-A-M... N."
[chuckles]
Finally Merriam's like, "I can't
do this anymore. You're a f*cking psycho."
He goes, "I know I'm a psycho."
"Psycho." "P..."
- [audience laughs]
- [pensive music playing]
Oh sh*t.
[Adam whistling tune]
[Dan whistling tune]
[both whisting tune[
[tune-whistling intensifies]
[laughing] I can't do that.
Getting a divorce
It seems so fun from the outside
Now you can do
Whatever you want
And nobody will stop you
Maybe you'll travel the world
Maybe you'll go to the movies
Maybe you'll learn a new language
Or meet some pretty ladies
Or maybe you'll just
Move in with your sister
And ruin her marriage too
- Okay. [whistles]
- [tune ends]
Thank you. There you go. Good, alright.
Let's hear some of those down the line.
At the end of a great song or something.
f*cking hit those whistles.
- [Dan chuckling]
- I always love that.
You guys would love that. If the people...
You two... That would start a fight again.
The guy behind you.
[whistles loudly]
"Shut the f*ck..."
Okay. [chuckles]
Alright, so, uh, let's do a song.
This song seems like a...
Here's a song. Let's see.
Anybody out there
that this song looks like could be about?
Let's see.
It seems like it'd be fun if it was about...
Who the f*ck... Looks like...
sh*t, I'm really trying to find somebody
that looks like it could be about.
What the f*ck? Let's just go right there.
Put a f*cking light on this guy
would you, right there?
This gentleman here?
You okay being part of this?
Okay, I love you, brother.
- [gentle tune playing]
- Here we go.
This song was written
about this gentleman right here.
[both chuckling]
Guy with a drone
[Dan] Guy with a drone
[both] Making everybody
On the beach today
Uncomfortable
[laughter]
Guy with a drone
[Dan] Guy with a drone
[both] Remote control
In front of his swimsuit b*ner
[laughter]
He says there's
A pod of whales out there
On the ocean today
It might be the rarest sight
He's ever seen
[Adam] But if that's true
Why is his drone just hovering
Over my wife?
He seems like an odd little fellow
I think it's time to beat him
[chuckling] With my beach umbrella
Let's hear it for that guy!
I love that guy!
Thank you for being part of that.
Bro, you're a stud!
Thank you. I love you.
Okay, I hope you guys like this one.
[piano playing]
We never played this one out. I'm excited.
Alright.
[clapping and whooping]
Mommy
Why's the door locked?
Daddy
Why don't you answer?
I hear Mommy screaming
While Daddy says
Yes, oh yes
So I go and get the key
And I creep in carefully
And much to my surprise
Right in front of my eyes
I see Daddy hitting Mommy
With his p*nis
Mommy, why are the sheets wet?
[chuckling]
Daddy, what's with the bedhead
I hear Daddy say to Mommy
Honey, I didn't finish yet
Mom says we'll find another way
'Cause her little boy can stay
So I cuddle up real nice
Right between Mommy's thighs
And then Daddy pokes my eye out
With his p*nis
[laughter and applause]
[audience members whistling]
[soft piano tune playing]
This is a sad one.
[chuckles]
You sound nice.
These days she doesn't need my help
Getting into bed
She doesn't need me to tuck her in
Or kiss her on the head
And she don't need me to pick her up
At her best friend's front door
She got her driver's license yesterday
She don't need me anymore
Oh no
Oh no
Oh no
Doesn't need me to practice soccer
Says she doesn't like sports
She don't need me to teach her algebra
Or help on book reports
And she don't need me
To take her swimming
It's like she'd wish I'd disappear
But she still needs me
To buy her friends beer
Buy her friends beer
When she needs a case of Natty Ice
She'll come running to me
[Dan] Buy her friends beer
Pony kegs and tallboys
Yeah, I'm still in the party
Buy her friends beer
No store would ever sell it to them
'Cause they all look like they're ten
- [tune pauses]
- [cheers and applause]
- [piano tune resumes]
- And when my baby girl gets a DUI
She'll be back
In Daddy's car seat again
- [cheers and applause]
- [tune becomes pensive]
Getting a divorce
Because I bought beer for my daughter
- [tune stops]
- Alright. Okay, so, uh...
[chuckles]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[chuckles]
That's funny, man.
Ever go to one of
your kids friends' parties
and you leave the party,
and got a helium balloon in your hand?
You're like, "Thank you!"
And you're walking away
with the helium balloon,
you're like, "What the f*ck...
Why did I leave with a balloon?"
"Now I gotta drive home with it,"
'cause you're not allowed to let 'em go.
Back in the day, that's all we did.
You f*cking let it go.
It was like,
fun for the whole f*cking family.
Watching, my whole family
would be like, "There."
My father would be like... [moans]
My sister would be like, "I don't see it."
My father would be like... [moans]
But now you can't
because it's bad for the environment.
I was like, "f*ck. Now I got to drive home
with this g*dd*mn balloon."
"It's gonna block every angle."
I'll be like, "g*dd*mn balloon!"
So, I was like
"f*ck it. Let me let it go."
I'm about to let it go,
and then the party empties out.
All these people coming out,
and I'm like this...
And they're like... I go...
And they're like... I go, "No."
I go, "I was just..."
"Doing a little lasso sh*t."
And they were like, "You!"
"You were gonna k*ll the dolphins."
I go, "I'd never do that."
And they're like... [growls]
And I go... [groans]
And so, then I go to my car.
I pretend that the door handle's
too much to manage.
I let the f*cking string
slither out of my hands
and I stay focused on the handle.
And I hear them go "What?"
And I go, "What happ... Oh no!"
Oh...
"Well, what can we do now?
You know, it's f*cking floating away."
"We can't stop it.
Might as well watch it together."
They're like... [growls]
And I go... "Well..."
And then I go home, and I'm in my bedroom,
seven o'clock at night,
and I hear a rattling on my window.
[mimics rattling]
I go over to the window.
I open it up, the f*ck' balloon's
floating right there.
I look out and the balloon's,
like, "Thank you."
And I go, "Yeah, no problem."
The balloon's like,
"You see how high I went?"
I go, "You were f*cking way up there."
And the balloon's like,
"I didn't have a seatbelt."
I go, "Oh yeah, you're brave, you know?"
The balloon's, like,
"I didn't care. I just did it."
And I go, "You f*cking went for it."
And the balloon's like,
"That was my fantasy!"
And I go,
"Well, your f*cking fantasy came true."
Balloon's like,
"I got two fantasies in my whole life."
I go, "Well, you had one come true."
The balloon's like, "I had two."
I go, "Well, you had
f*cking one come true."
And the balloon's like, "I had two."
- I go, "Alright."
- [audience laughing]
I ask, "What was the other one?"
The balloon's like, "I just wanted to know
what it would feel like if
somebody ate me out."
And I go,
"I can't f*cking help you out with that."
"I'm a human. You know what I mean?"
"I can maybe bring back another balloon
from the party next week."
"You guys can f*ck around."
Balloon's like, "Aww..."
I go, "I got a bike pump.
You can f*ck around with a bike pump?"
She's like, "I don't know your bike pump."
I go, "Well, you don't know me, you know?"
Balloon goes,
"I thought we were having fun."
I go, "I'm married, you know what I mean?"
"I got f*cking kids.
I got too much to lose."
Balloon's like, "Aww,
I'm not gonna tell anybody."
I go, "Well, I'll know,"
and the balloon's like... [sighs]
"You're cute."
And I go, "I can't eat you out.
I'm never gonna do that."
"It doesn't make sense."
But I go, "But how would one
go about eating out a balloon?"
The balloon's like, "It's simple.
So take me and rub me on your head..."
And I go, "Well, I can do that."
My wife will never get mad at me
for rubbing a balloon on my head.
I take the balloon, start doing this sh*t.
And the balloon's like,
"Whoa, slow down, slow down."
- [audience chuckles]
- [chuckles]
"Slow down."
The balloon's like,
"That's static electricity."
"That's science."
I go, "Okay."
"Put me on the bed. I'll stick to it."
So I put the balloon on the bed.
The balloon's like,
"Try to move me," and I go like that.
It keeps going back to the same space.
The balloon's laughing,
"Isn't that funny?"
I go, "That's great."
The balloon's like,
"Really try and move me!"
So I go, boom, boom.
Balloon's like, "Now we're talking."
And I say, "Okay."
- [man] Yeah!
- Then the balloon's like,
"Can you undo my...
See the little knot at the bottom?"
I go, "Yeah."
The balloon's like, "That's my vagalloon!"
And then I said "Okay."
And the balloon's like, "Open it,"
and I take the f*ck' thing.
I go, "I can open a f*ck'... My wife
won't be pissed at me opening a balloon."
So I start untying it,
and the balloon's like,
"Ooh, ooh, cut your nails."
And I go, "What the f*ck?"
My nails are fine, and I get it open.
And the balloon's like,
"Open it up just lightly."
"Don't go f*cking crazy on me."
I open it up, and I hear...
[makes whizzing sound]
...like that.
And the balloon's like, "Oh my God."
"Sorry."
And I go, "No, that's fine."
And the balloon's like,
"I'm so embarrassed,
and I made a heli-queefie."
I go, "That's f*cking natural."
"You're gonna tell all your friends."
I go, "I'm not gonna f*ck' tell anybody."
"Maybe I'll tell a few people
in a theater one day."
And, uh, the balloon's like,
"Play with my nipple now."
I go, "You got a nipple?"
"On top of me."
I go,
"Yeah, I guess that looks like a nipple."
The balloon's like,
"It looks like it? It is one!"
"f*cking play with it!"
Started yelling at me and sh*t.
I go, "This is getting nuts."
"I'm getting uncomfortable.
You're f*cking making me feel bad."
And so I just stopped.
I pulled the plug on that sh*t.
I couldn't... I had to quit this.
Anyways, um, my wife, like,
uh, 45 minutes later...
She starts knocking on the door.
You know, f*cking screaming,
"Where were you?"
And "Dinner's been ready.
The kids are down."
"What the f*ck's going on?
And why is your hair sticking up?"
- Uh...
- [scattered laughter]
And I...
I was like...
[high-pitched voice] "Sweetheart,
I was just having fun with my friend."
[high-pitched voice] "No one
was licking anyone's vagalloon."
[whizzing in high-pitched voice]
- [thunder rumbling]
- Whoa.
[ominous piano tune]
Holy sh*t, that sounds scary.
That scare you guys?
You guys... Are you a little scared?
Me too. I got f*ck' nervous right now.
- [wolf howl]
- [ominous piano tune playing]
[wolf howl] Let me hear you, out there.
- [audience howling]
- [Adam witch cackle]
[wolf howl]
[audience howling]
Scary sh*t's coming
[howls]
[audience howling]
My mother just flew out to visit
[audience laughing and howling]
And I asked her
How long she's staying for
[howling]
And she says
"I didn't book a return flight"
No!
- [long howl echoing]
- [Adam laughs sinisterly]
More scary sh*t's coming
[howls]
[audience howling]
I'm driving down the road
At three o'clock in the afternoon
[howling]
And I can't see sh*t
'Cause the sun is directly in my eyes
[laughing and howling]
But I just do what everybody else does
I keep driving and pray
I don't f*cking hit anything
[audience howling]
Then I hear a thud.
[howling]
Then I see a blonde wig
Fly over the car.
[chuckles]
Along with six pieces of sushi
[audience laughing and howling]
And then I realize
I just k*lled David Spade
No!
David! I didn't see you there!
[laughs sinisterly]
More... [chuckles]
More scary sh*t's coming
[howling]
[laughs like Scooby-Doo]
[laughs like Scooby-Doo]
- Your turn. [laughs like Scooby]
- [audience laughs like Scooby]
Very good.
I'm watching porno
[all howling]
On my iPhone
[audience howls]
And no sound is coming out
[audience exclaiming and howling]
Then I realize
I'm connected to Bluetooth
[audience exclaiming and howling]
[Adam chuckles]
In my wife's car
- [laughter and howling]
- [chuckling]
And she's taking the kids
To soccer practice
Hey, no!
Children! Daddy just had an itch,
and he was scratching it!
- [laughing]
- [audience laughing]
He wasn't doing anything funny.
[laughing sinisterly]
More scary sh*t's coming [chuckles]
It's Halloween night
And I can't find my weed gummies
[howling]
Then I realize my mother is
Handing them out to all the children
Oh no!
- [howl echoing]
- Ride it out, children. You'll be fine.
[chuckling]
It only last six hours.
More f*cking scary sh*t
And I can't believe it either
[howls] A little louder
[loud howling]
Not that loud, that scared me
I just tried
To send my wife a d*ck pic
[howling]
But I accidentally sent it
To Al Pacino
[howling]
And he sent me two back [chuckles]
Oh no!
[groans]
Good for you, Al. Nice job.
[laughs gruffly]
[audience laughs gruffly]
[Adam laughs sinisterly]
[blows raspberry]
[Adam laughing]
[long howl echoing]
Last f*cking scary thing
[Adam and audience howling]
[audience member barking]
No barking.
[audience laughs]
I just found my wife's vibrator
[howling]
On the bed in the guest room
[howling]
Where my mother is staying
[audience exclaiming and laughing]
[chuckles, howls]
[audience howling]
And it was still warm
No!
Mommy!
"Mommies can have fun too!"
- [Adam laughs]
- [audience laughing]
You guys are pretty damn good, man.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Ah, sh*t, man.
We definitely need the f*cking thing.
[tech] Good news... It looks... We... We got it.
We figured out the problem.
We need another couple minutes.
Why don't you do Elvis,
and we'll have it good-to-go by then.
You promise?
[chuckles] I absolutely promise.
You know, you f*cking never said
"I'm sorry" one f*cking time?
[tech] It's a technical difficulty.
Alright, f*ck,
you said that ten times!
[tech] If you want to wait,
we can just wait five minutes.
Alright, we'll do the... Alright.
- Do Elvis. Okay, brother. Yeah.
- Do Elvis and we'll have it going.
I'm f*ck'...
Alright, let's do the Elvis, guys.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[scattered shouts and whoops]
[upbeat rock tune playing]
- [audience cheering]
- ["It's Now or Never" instrumental plays]
It's now or never
Come hold me tight
Kiss me, my darling
Be mine tonight
Tomorrow
Will be too late
It's now or never
My love won't wait
[cheering]
When I first saw you
With your smile so tender
My heart was captured
My soul surrendered
I spent a lifetime
Waiting for the right time
Now that you're near
The time is here, at last
It's now or never
Come hold me tight
Kiss me, my darling
Be mine tonight
Tomorrow
Will be too late
It's now or never
My love won't wait
Just like a willow
We would cry an ocean
If we lost true love
And sweet devotion
Your lips excite me
Let your arms invite me
For who knows when
We'll meet again
This way
It's now or never
Come hold me tight
Kiss me, my darling
Be mine tonight
Tomorrow
Will be too late
It's now or never
My love won't wait
It's now or never
My love won't wait
It's now or never
My love won't wait
[loud cheers and applause]
Pretty f*cking good, bro!
Pretty f*cking good!
Go, baby, go! Kick that sh*t!
Go! Hit it! Go!
Yeah! Hit! That! Boom!
- [music ends]
- [cheers and applause]
Uh-huh!
[audience cheering and whistling]
[chord strumming]
Thank you.
Alright.
[panting]
Robbie Schneider's a*s, everybody!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
That's good. [panting]
- Wow.
- Why don't you f*ck'...
I'll sing one more tune.
Why don't you sit out there?
- [Rob] Okay, I'm going.
- Yeah, go sit. Okay.
[Rob] Where is it? Excuse me.
Pardon me. Let me just...
[Adam laughing]
You're gonna get hurt, buddy. Be careful.
No! Oh, Robbie.
What the f*ck are you doing?
Alright, just sit there. How's that?
Can you handle that?
Sit down.
[laughter and clapping]
Hey, it's like Willie Tyler and Lester.
[laughter]
Alright, man.
[soft guitar tune playing]
[Adam] Okay, y'all.
We got one more.
You said the sh*t's working?
Yeah.
[tech] Yes.
You swear to God?
[tech] I'm sorry.
[audience laughing]
All right. We'll see.
Okay. Alright, Matt.
You guys have been great.
I love you, I had a great time.
[loud cheering]
This guitar, by the way,
is a very special guitar.
My dad got it for me when I was 12.
Swear to God.
Yeah.
Alright. Alright.
- [light strumming]
- Okay. So here we go.
We'll hit this one.
- Let's get it on.
- [soft rock tune playing]
You're down boy
No one around, boy
Head in your hands
And pain, so much pain
How can you ever be yourself again?
Where do you go now?
To get back your soul now?
Do you stare at the ceiling
And tune yourself out?
Or crawl in a bottle
And never crawl out?
You're just searching and searching
For the big takeaway
How the hell did this happen?
You look up and pray
For the smile, girl
It's been a while, girl
You need a fix
And you need it fast
How can you put
All this sh*t in the past?
Yeah, who's gonna be the hero?
To get you through the night
Who's gonna wrap their arms around you
And make everything alright?
You know, it's comedy
[audience exclaiming]
Here comes the comedy
Got you smilin' and gigglin'
Like you were a kid
Didn't think it could get ya
But it just f*ck' did
You're laughin' so hard
As you feel the pain pass
All because Ace Ventura
Just talked with his a*s, yeah
The comedy
[clapping and whooping]
There's so much stress, kid
You're such a mess, kid
If your first boyfriend dumps you
Through a text on the phone
Or a note's on the dresser
She ain't coming home
When you're down with a case
Of the gettin'-bullied blues
Or holding their hand
Through the doctor's bad news
You can do the pints of ice cream
Or cry and cry in bed
Or run away
Or scream all day
Or try this one instead
Try on the comedy
[cheers and applause]
We all need the comedy
You were close to the edge
Then you gave it a chance
Now you're doing spit takes
And you're pissing your pants
Yeah, the pain and the heartbreak
Got knocked off its feet
All because all these bridesmaids
Just sh*t in the street
Yeah, the comedy
Nothing beats the comedy
Yeah, actors can play dramatic
Singers can k*ll a song
But comedians say, "f*ck you, sadness"
Let's laugh it off
And move the f*ck on
[cheers and applause]
So, thank you, Abbott and Costello
And Leno on Letterman
Thank you, Ruth Buzzi's pocketbook
And every scream from Kinison
Thank you, Lucy
For baking your bread
And Spinal Tap for going to 11
[man in audience] Yeah!
Thank you, Three Stooges
And Jerry Lewis
You made me happy since I was seven
Thank you
Marx Brothers and Gleason on the bus
Thanks to Benny Hill
For smacking the old bald guy for us
Thank you, Carol Burnett
George Carlin, and SCTV too
Eddie Murphy
My whole f*cking neighborhood
Wanted to be you
Thank you, Sanford and Son
Joan Rivers, and the 2000 Year Old Man
Lily Tomlin, David Brenner
Flip Wilson and Roseanne
Thanks to Billy, Robin, and Whoopi
For showing comedy cares
Thanks to Peter Sellers
For falling down the stairs
Rickles and Goldie, Steven Wright
And Madeline Kahn
Aykroyd and Belushi
The Jerky Boys
Cheech and f*cking Chong
Airplane, Stir Crazy, The Jerk
And Easy-f*cking-Money
Animal House and Caddyshack
The kings of the funny
Pee-wee, Borat, Powers, Mean Girls
The Wayans and Farrelly brothers
Superbad, Elf, Hangover
And those Jackass m*therf*ckers
Thank you, Chris Rock
[audience exclaiming]
Seinfeld and Colin Quinn
Herlihy, Jack, Coraci, and Apatow
Barrymore and Aniston
[loud cheers]
Love you, Buscemi and Stiller
Love you Triumph and Conie
Spade, KJ, Meadows and Schneider
Will always be my homies
Thank you, Downey
Thank you, Lorne
[cheering]
Thank you, Farley
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, Norm
[loud cheers and applause]
They say jokes can stay funny forever
A good joke can stay funny forever
Movies get older
But the kids still get 'em
All the great laughs
Yeah, we'll never forget 'em
That's why I say
Thank you
[cheers and applause]
Thank you
Good night
[loud cheers and applause]
[music ends]
Good night, you guys! Love ya!
[cheers and applause continue]
[piano tune continues]
Let's hear it from Dan Bulla!
Alright. Love you, guys.
That was fun hanging out.
Thank you.
[scattered whistles and shouts]
There she is.
[cheers and applause fade slowly]
I love you.
[kissing]
- Are you good?
- Yes.
- You had fun?
- Chinese or deli?
- Uh... deli.
- [Jackie chuckling]
[Adam] I want 'em both.
[chattering indistinctly]
[Adam] Alright. Yo!
Yo, yo, I love you guys.
[Jackie] Thank you.
[Adam] Thank you so much.
Yo, yo. Yo, yo.
Thank you. I love you.
- You feel alright?
- [Jackie] That was great.
[Adam kisses] Hi.
Alright. Yo, I was scared.
- [man] That was fantastic.
- [Adam] It was? You swear?
You swear? I'll see you soon, man.
[man] Ladies and gentlemen...
[Adam] Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah! Let's go!
[cheering and clapping]
[indistinct chattering]
- Yeah.
- [man] Rock and roll, brother.
[Adam] That was good sh*t.
Good sh*t. Good sh*t.
Thank you so much. It was alright. Huh?
We had fun. I love you. Okay!
You're good? Get in there.
Thank you, Digby.
Thank you.
Hey, they fixed the f*cking windshield.
Alright. Thank you.
Bye, guys.
Okay, we're getting in. Oh God, yes.
- Alright, baby.
- [Jackie] Okay.
- [Adam] Let's go.
- [Digby] Alright
- [Adam] Later, Digby.
- [Jackie] Thanks, Digby.
["Lotta Love" by Nicolette Larson plays]
So if you look in my direction
And we don't see eye-to-eye
My heart needs protection
And so do I
[string solo playing]
It's gonna take a lotta love
To get us through the night
It's gonna take a lotta love
To make this work out right
So if you are out there waiting
I hope you show up soon
You know I need relating
Not solitude
[woodwind solo playing]
Got a lotta love
Got a lotta love
[horn solo playing]
It's gonna take a lotta love
To change the way things are
It's gonna take a lotta love
Or we won't get too far
It's gonna take a lotta love
[song fades out]
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Adam Sandler: Love You (2024)
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