01x12 - House of Freakazoid / Sewer or Later

[bunniefuu]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DOUGLAS: Hello.
- Mr. Douglas, I'm Lonnie Tallbutt.

That's great. Take care now.

TALLBUTT:
You don't understand.

I have to see your son Dexter.
I'm his, uh, driving instructor.

Dexter's driving instructor is a Scotsman.

Student guidance counselor?

Oh, sure. Go on up.

TALLBUTT:
Dexter Douglas?

[SCREECHING]

Sorry. Pets don't like me.

No kidding. Can I help you, Mister...?

Tallbutt. Lonnie Tallbutt.

Your father let me up here.

My parents let everyone up here.

- Aah!
- You don't understand.

I have a horrible problem.

Soon the clouds will part
and the moon will appear.

And then I'll change.

Okay.

Come to think of it,
should be changing to my p.j.'s.

Dad?

I've got an early day tomorrow.
Thanks for stopping by. Mom? Duncan?

Stratego.

[LAUGHS]

Huh? Huh?

[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

[SINGSONG Y]
Stratego.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Stratego.

Hello.

I bet you're here to see Dexter.

You don't understand.

Please stop saying that.

Years ago, I was bitten by a werewolf.

Ever since, when the full moon rises,
I turn into a wolf myself.

I do horrible things...

...then wake up the next morning
without my shoes and socks.

I came to see you, Dexter Douglas,
because I know you also change.

Change? Wha...? What do you mean?

It is said that even a computer nerd
who says his prayers at night...

...and makes redundant backups
on his mirror drive...

...may become a Freakazoid
when the Delete key is hit.

Behold, the mark.

Will you stop grabbing me?

That was just an imprint
from a bottle of Delete Cola.

Argue about this on your own time.

Who will give me carfare?

She always does this.
Don't give her anything.

I heard that. Fine.

I curse you, I curse you, I curse you.
Goodbye.

I thought that if I knew how Freakazoid
changed back and forth...

...that I might be able
to end this terrible...

[TALLBUTT MO ANS]

[GRO ANING]

No.

[WOLFMAN SNARLING]

Sounds like Dexter's playing
Twister again.

[WOLFMAN SNARLING]

[GASPS]

Whoa.

Oh, freak out.

[GROWLS]

See? I can do it too. Ha!

Whoa, aren't you the frisky pup?

[GRUNTS]

I'll help you out, my little mangy pal.

FREAKAZOID:
Welcome to the Freak-A-Lair.

Hold still, Lonnie.

I think this will free you
of your terrible curse.

[GROWLING]

[RAZOR BUZZING]

[YELLING]

So who do you like in the playoffs?

[GRUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

The Mavericks?

Yeah, right.

[WOLFMAN SCREAMS]

Lon, there you go.
You look like a shaved terrier.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[GASPS]

[GRO ANING]

Not too pleased, huh?

Wait, I have an even better idea.

[WHIMPERING]

I'm gonna dump you
into cyberspace, Lon.

I think the shock might cure you, or not.
But what the heck.

[WHIMPERING]

Remember,
this isn't going to hurt me in the least.

Incoming.

[WOLFMAN WHIMPERING]

FREAKAZOID: Oh, stop being
such a big baby and let go of the door.

WOLFMAN:
No.

This house is clean.

[SCREECHES]

FREAKAZOID:
He's back!

L... I'm cured.

Cured.

Cured, do you hear me? Cured.

[TALLBUTT LAUGHING]

Wait till he gets my bill.

[RINGS]

Hello.

Aah. Worms and weasels.

Yeah, Mr. Tallbutt?

I just wanted to come by
and thank you.

And I thought perhaps you could
help change some of my friends.

Oh, great.

NARRATOR:
A city fast asleep, but crime never sleeps.

Not even when it's really tuckered out
from listening to the radio...

... all night in its room.

[WIND HOWLING]

[WIND STOPS HOWLING]

[WIND HOWLING]

Ooh...

NARRATOR:
Stop that and go away.

[METALLIC CLANG NEARBY
THEN OLD WOMAN GASPS]

[RUMBLING]

[YELLING]

[HISSING]

NARRATOR:
Run, old woman, run!

Oh, good. She got away.

So, what happened?

[MIMICS WIND HOWLING]

You won't be getting much out of her,
unless it's scary wind sounds you're after.

[GASPS]

Humph.

MOHAMMED-ABDUL:
I don't get it, Dan.

We're here in minutes,
but there's no sign of the crooks.

It's a puzzler, sure enough.
It'll take a keen mind to solve this one.

[MAKING WHOOSHING SOUND]

Good to see you, lad. Are you well?

I feel better
than a nice tub of good things.

Splendid.

We'll be needing your great head
to wrap up this crime.

Hmm.

Uh, hmm.

Aha.

Looks like one
of Cobra Queen's little pets.

Or maybe it's just a tourist
who got too much sun.

I'm never sure.

Oy. Let's watch the lip-synch, okay?

Uh, thank you.

Cobra Queen? We should have guessed.

I suppose you'll be going
down there after her.

- No.
- What?

I don't get it.

You don't understand.
L... I can't go down there.

I hate sewers. They smell like poo gas.

Excellent work. Cobra Queen is pleased.

Tomorrow night, you will return
and steal me some accessories.

Perhaps a matching bag and shoes.
Make sure it's snakeskin.

[GASPS]

Oh, very well. Leather will do.

[CACKLES]

Oh, my. Who is this Cobra Queen?

Who is this sinister, sibilant snake-lover?

PAUL: Once she was Audrey Manatee
of Skokie, Illinois...

... and made her living as a shoplifter.

Until one day, she pilfered
an experimental beauty lotion...

... that had been left in the sun too long.

When she rubbed it on her face
and hands...

... the chemical changes
caused her to become a cobra woman...

...with power over snakes and lizards,
but not dogs or plucky game fish.

And now you know
the rest of the back-story.

Good day.

Go down in the sewer.
You go down in the sewer.

Just because I'm a superhero
doesn't mean I have to smell poo gas.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

- Hey, Freakazoid.
- Oh, hi, Cosgrove.

You wanna head over
to the Great Hall of Spackle?

Do I?

Let me do the siren.

[FREAKAZOID MIMICKING SIREN]

COSGRO VE:
Those Egyptians were pretty good builders.

You can't even see the Spackle.

Mm-hm. I guess that's part
of why they're my favorite ancient race.

By the way, word has it that
Cobra Queen is holed up in the sewers.

You going down after her?

No, I hate the smell of poo gas.

Well, so do I,
but everyone expects me to go down there.

That's part of being a superhero.

It goes with the fancy tights
and the lightning in your hair.

No. A big N followed by a little O, no.

I am never going down
into the sewers after Cobra Queen.

Never ever, ever.
I really mean it. No.

See? I said I'd never go.

[GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

[SNIFFS]

Bleh. Ugh.

Stinky, smelly, icky sewer poo gas.
I hate this.

Ew. I hope that thing
that just floated by was a candy bar.

I'll find that Cobra Queen.
It's my civic duty.

Besides, if I don't,
the show just kind of sits there.

I can't believe
I'm walking in doody water.

[SHUDDERS]

Doody water with rats. Ew.

[HISSING NEARBY]

That hiss can mean only one thing.

There's a balloon vendor
around that corner.

[WATER SPLASHES]

[HISSING]

[YELLING]

[SNAKE HISSING]

Okay.

I did my Conan w*r cry...

...charged and grabbed the giant snake
around the neck.

Now what?

[FREAKAZOID YELLING]

[HISSING]

[GASPS]

Huh?

Mm. A yummy chocolate mouse.

No. Bad giant cobra.

First, you have to do a trick.

[PANTS]

You have to sit up straight and beg.

[THUD]

[THUD]

Good boy. You've earned this, old fella.

[RO ARS]

COBRA QUEEN:
Well, look who's come to visit.

If it isn't my dear friend, Atomic Boy.

Freakazoid. I'm Freakazoid.

Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, Freakazoid.

The light is dreadful down here.

Ah, forget it, Cobra Queen.

You know, you should get those
Japanese lanterns to brighten up the place.

The paper ones? Are they expensive?

Mm, not really.
My dad put a bunch in the backyard.

They look pretty neat.

Japanese lanterns?
Who would've thought?

Devour him.

Your snakes don't scare me.

I've developed
a little technique for beating them.

Let's see.
First, my loud Conan w*r cry, then charge...

...then grab the snake around the neck,
then make something up.

I've got this snake-fighting
business down.

[FREAKAZOID GRUNTS]

Just kidding.

[YELLING]

Catch him,
or I'll make a large wallet out of you.

[GROWLS]

Ew.

[HISSING]

[YELLS]

[WHISTLING]

You're a big dumbhead.

[WATER SPLASHES]

Very well, Freakazoid.

Prepare to taste
the venom of Cobra Queen.

[YELLS]

That's mighty good spitting for a woman
who talks like Sylvester the Cat.

I don't talk like Sylvester the Cat.

Sure do.

Say, "Suffering succotash,
I saw a giant mouse." Go.

Suffering succotash,
I saw a giant mouse. There.

- That didn't sound anything like Sylvester.
- Oh, yeah?

Say, "Silly Sally sells sappy
silver seashells in Seattle." Go.

Silly Sally sells sappy si...
Let me try again.

Silly Sally sells sterling siv...
One more time.

Silly, silly Sally se... Wait.

Silly Sally sells silly s...

[HISSING]

I wonder why that worked.

[PLAYING MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC]

[PANTING]

Whew.

[PLAYING MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC]

[CRASH]

Nice work, Freakazoid.

It stank down there, Cosgrove.

But Cobra Queen stank even worse.

Now that she's behind bars...

...I think this city's
starting to smell a little better.

Speaking of which,
you ought to wash up.

You smell like poo gas.

Do you think we've said
"poo gas" enough?

[SNIFFING]

Oh.

Hi.