02x08 - The Masked Chess Boy

[bunniefuu]

let me tell you about my family

that time again

let's take a look and see what happen

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getting through elementary school is

like tiptoeing through a minefield the

potential for incredible humiliation was

everywhere the trick was to stay away

from all organized extracurricular

activities you know stuff like the Opera

appreciation Club

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and geology and the most ridiculed of

all after-school activities male

cheerleader

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of course once you manage to avoid every

after-school activity you are inevitably

left with nothing to do need something

to do boys know we're overextended as it

is oh I doubt that

follow me we are doing the Pirates of

Penzance this year and we still haven't

found our pirate so sorry I'd love to

but I

I already signed up for synchronized

swimming yeah I signed up for

male cheerleading and you mr. Anderson

unlike for chess the Chess Club

yeah we have one don't we

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Louie Anderson amateur beginner novice

enjoy yourself my little just boy the

window is your best bet

what's that you defend the musical

auditions by claiming to be in the Chess

Club right whoa all those stereotypes

are right on the money very true but

you're also the third guy today the

principals dragged in here the first two

went out the window

we're two stories on you could always

stay and learn how to play hmm

break my leg stay in play chaste

decisions decisions

Oh what the heck at least this looks

less painful hi I'm Melvin my name is

Melvin - my name is hey I know you

you're Franklin right right but everyone

calls me Melvin so Louie you want to

play a game sure you guys know Crazy

Eights

tell you what Melvin and Melvin are in

the middle of a game why don't we watch

him for a bit brilliant idea just for

the record Melvin has beaten Melvin 26

times and Melvin has beaten Melvin 25

times so this is a pretty big game Louie

Louie

well the suspense on the tension

I've never seen anything more throwing

now Louie you just don't understand a

game probably not but it seems to me

that if he just moved his little horsey

guy this game would be over and we could

go home what does this kid think he is

you really gotta get to know the game

before you make suggestions like that

check me I don't believe it Louie was

right

late to Queen four don't you recognize

it this Siberian Swede

what was it something I said no and so

began my career as a chess player gone

wrong horsey guy

Brian trigger black beauty mental

mantra night it's a night why can't you

remember that

oh he drives me crazy religious sky Pope

freeze

it's a bishop yep that was so easy are

you doing this on purpose I didn't know

what all the pieces were called but

somehow instinctively I knew exactly

where they should move for the first

time in my life I was a natural

giant please checkmate whatever the

Romanian reversed

he's a genius she's brilliant he's

insane hmm what are you doing hmm

salt takes pepper three you know that

Melvin what makes you say that

just a hunch oh this isn't good Louie

the Melvin's are chess players and you

know what happens to chess players what

they get teased humiliated and stomped

come on not just a cliche Oh

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he's astounding Chuck mate he's

remarkable Chuck Blair he might even be

as brilliant as the great one hmm

don't you dare say such a thing that's

blasphemy you Sully the name of the

great one you think I'm as good as

Jackie Gleason no and he's talking about

the other great one and you're not as

good as him loses freak tell him the

story Melvin some say he was the

greatest chess player who ever lived he

came out of nowhere

no one knew his name they called him the

man Yes Man really they must have spent

all his coming up with that name the

year was 1919 the mass chess man first

part of a notoriously competitive

Wisconsin chess same with the longest

feat of undefeated magazine Wisconsin

state history

he conquered Kenosha ah Chippewa Falls

and then one cold July day after

thoroughly humiliating the reigning

chess champion of portage in a 12 second

game the masked chess man just

disappeared late smelvin whoa no one

knows he hung up his mast and no one

ever found out who he really was

and you think I'd play just like him

Louie I think you might even be better

heresy I'm not hearing this me neither

that's the nicest thing any chance guy

ever said to me

and this is why I signed you up for this

eternal chess tourney you sign me up for

want opening-round start tomorrow please

tell me this is a very small event that

no one knows about or comes to see

oh no it's big it's huge people come

from all over the state to watch

everyone you ever met in your life will

be there whoa

wait a chessboard do you know how to

play Wow

yeah this week I beat all three Melvin's

but I still need to practice for the

tournament I see I think there's a board

in the Attic you run along and have fun

with your imaginary friends The Melvins

alright come on Melvin's get the light

on isn't that cute

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hello Andy how was your day

yeah yeah fine the strangest thing just

happened

Louie came home with three imaginary

friends and asked if we had a chessboard

what strange isn't it he's never been

able to make any imaginary friends

before who cares about that what did you

tell him about the chessboard why I told

him to look in the Attic that's where

you keep yours you did what

oh whatever you do don't touch that

board geez don't have a coronary I was

just looking for your chest side what

are you notch ow you're gonna ruin your

life um no you can't play chess you'll

be ridiculed don't you get it

people make fun of people who play chess

how do you know because I laugh out of

myself around TV in the park bunch of

brain heavy pencil-neck nearsighted

whiny voice chess players they're

walking tour guides but I just want to

playing now say it ain't so you're dumb

the better you are the more they make

fun you know come to think of it you

might be right

no one talks to the Melvin's don't play

chess good it'll ruin your life

whoa mr. dramatic nice wholesome game

like poker right that's all I need three

imaginary friends and a gambling habit

you're talking crazy he's got an

interest you should encourage him

encourage them I'm trying to protect

them protect him from what

P and T pain and torment oh it's just a

little game sure is any leprosy is just

a little itch let me tell you a story

about this game a little story that

happened to a little guy named Andy

I'll start it was just about low easy

what are you doing chest weenie it

continued in the high school well if it

isn't the chest dork

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if benign chess compo

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[Applause]

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okay so maybe I embellished the last

part but I know it was a horrible price

to pay for enjoying a board game Andy

just because you were made fun of

doesn't mean Louie will be you kiddin

that's exactly what it means I'm saving

the kid a lot of heartache P&T baby P&G

you're keeping him from being good at

something you may be right kids not like

me everybody plays you're bad

what are you doing really planning my

career is a Vegas dealer it's harder

than it looks

Louie if you want to play chess you

should play chess why you want me to be

made fun of your father has some painful

memories of playing chess but that

doesn't mean you'll have the same

experience I mean let's face it your

father is a little different

Oh everyone will tease me if I play

chess

no they won't chess is a very difficult

game and I know kids they admire

intellectual ability

Hey cut it out give me that back hey

that's my bishop

that's my pawn that's my rook two of

those your dumb game now let me fix your

chess player they can't withstand the

intensity of a Sun but I suppose that's

the point isn't it

battle Lunia next time plain American

game like Chinese checkers no my name is

not on the list

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what are you doing signing up for Dewey

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no I was just on taking down names of

all the chest losers that I want to make

fun of make a copy that list for me and

send it to my girl would you buddy oh

simulation it's all coming my way

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it's that time of the year again welcome

Wisconsin to the world-famous Cedar

Knoll chess tournament Louie Louie may

be decided not to show Oh what do we

have here

a mass chess man wannabe looks like

someone strive on the shoes of a legend

and who knows if they're gonna fit oh it

looks like the mass Jeff's boy is just

claimed victims number one hi my name is

Mitchell

why are you massive man take me Oh

someone just put another notch in that

chest boy's mask that's the mask chest

sees real good doesn't he remind you of

someone Batman no the key from Fat

Albert come on I've got an idea the

Romanian reverse I've only seen two

other people make that move

checkmate sorry Melvin Louie is that you

Shh

don't blow my cover ladies and gentlemen

this special chess update just in the

Cedar Knoll chess tournament has been

rocked by the appearance of a masked

chess boy now the masked boy has

completely dominated the competition

beating several of the favorites

officials are saying he might be even

better than the original mask chess man

the chess player who wears a mask what's

he talking about there's only one master

chess man

you mean the masked chessmen who was

afraid to show his face that mass chess

man he's long gone he's not gone he'll

be back where are you going I gotta get

down to that tournament Oh Andy are you

going down to the tournament to show

that poor misguided master chess boy

that it's safe to remove his mask are

you kidding I'm going down there to kick

some a*s just by just weenie Jess all

right just calm

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[Applause]

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What did he say

checkmate Wow that mass chess boy is a

checkmate machine boys and girls hang on

to your kings he's coming for them

you're talking crazy I don't believe it

look masked chess boy and Louie see

masked chess boy Louie get it no way I

still don't think it's him mass chess

boy request one donut-shaped

I mean three okay it's him checkmate

hey this one's in the refrigerator the

doors closed the lights are out Diggs a

cold on the butters getting hired so

just grab your hats and say goodbye and

the winner of this year's eternal chess

tournament is the mass chess boy Mascis

boy says thank you very much it's an

honor I'm just wondering if he's going

to remove the mask

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well capture my rooks it's him the mass

chess man ladies and gentlemen after 40

long years the mass chess man has come

out of retirement to challenge the

masked chess boy do you accept the mask

s boy wants to know what the doughnut

situation is the mass chess boy accepts

the challenge and all the great matchups

in sports has there ever been anything

so exciting is this

think of it mass chess boy vs. the

legend mask chess man and so folks it's

masked man with the first move he brings

out his pawn and masked boy responds

with a vicious sweep of his own pawn

upon to the left a bishop to the right

King takes cover behind the Queen again

a knight pawn another night a rook to

the left somebody holds me off it's

getting hot in here

hey what about my

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give it to up masked boy counters of the

right rook up the middle folks this is

the best chess I've seen in years

they're anticipating every move almost

like these two players are related all

right

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hmm well wrap me up and call me

leftovers I think we have a draw I had

finally met my match there was no way I

was gonna beat the legend I wasn't gonna

win this game but maybe I could still go

out a winner

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I told you so aha I knew it who is it

just wait yes it was a rhetorical

question

yeah you're an inspiration I hereby I

declare this challenge to be a draw tied

for first place are the mass chess boy

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that's Annie Anderson Lena's guru knows

that can you say unbelievable finish how

about a nice round of applause now for

your Champions

we breathe chessmen get that room set up

the pieces turns out by taking off my

mask I set off a chain reaction among my

friends we all realized you how to do

the things you love to do and you can't

worry about what other people think I

just wish I'd kept that stupid mask on

where pirates all are well-to-do

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yeah pirates

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