03x06 - Louie's Harrowing Halloween

[bunniefuu]

oh let me tell you about my family

that time again

let's take a look and see what happen

Oh surprise

[Applause]

when I was eight years old

it seemed like my whole life was devoted

to one thing acquiring candy for a candy

mogul like myself the biggest day of the

year was not Christmas here you go or

even my birthday alone it was Halloween

that's right the whole candy fiscal year

revolved around October 31st which is

why every year a month before Halloween

mom issued a moratorium on the sweet

stuff no candy until the 31st every year

I barely made it to Halloween oh you're

no football and then one year I didn't

oh dear the engines when we go grab me

two onions really good then get the

source of what and I help you find

something just browsing checking on your

display looks really a spiffy keep up

the good work sonic all in there let's

go what are you so jumpy about well um

it's grocery game you know how excited I

guess let's go

the farther we got from the supermarket

before I realized by the time we got

home I started sleeper Garden all about

the stolen piece of candy in my pocket

until just slow the car down all wrong

the cops are after me no it's just the

neighborhood watch meeting your father's

hosting it tonight and why would the

police be after you anyway mmm no reason

oh oh and and and what are you going to

do about the hooligans who are stealing

our streets I'll what about the street

sighs or some action like I said the

best thing you can do is stay alert make

sure your porch lights are on keep your

eyes open

y'all know me Andy Anderson officer

Perkins I'm gonna get to the point I'm

not gonna waste your time with a lot of

ridiculous questions

I appreciate that first of all there's a

truth in Turkey comin Street thieves the

price by having their hands cut off I

couldn't really say secondly how do we

get some of those Turkish laws over

[Music]

on special assembly all right students

Cedar Knoll Elementary is not just a

place where you learn three r's here you

learn about life and with that in mind

it is my great honor to introduce police

chief Perkins and three very special

guests now pay attention

hello kids mrs. Halloran asked me to

come down here and talk about crime and

punishment I figured I'd need some help

so introduce yourselves boys hey Louie

isn't that your brother's seat uh-huh

very funny

you know he made parole last month my

name's Bobby I'm doing seven to ten

years for borrowed uh me stealing cars

tell him how you got started Bobby

I stole a piece of candy when I was 10

years old and it was all downhill for me

it started with a single piece of candy

but soon I was cracking gumball machines

and smuggling Electrician I was planning

an all-out as*ault on that son

[Music]

are you okay Louie my name is meat and

I'm here to tell you that a life of

crime is no life at all it all began

when I saw a jawbreaker at a drugstore

and I had to have it ten years later I

was still stealing candy and look where

it got me

candy it's not just bad for your teeth

are there any questions go ahead ask him

you they thin kid with the hair question

yeah my questions for meat is meat a

first name or a last name it's a family

name so your first name would be rid

[Music]

what that wasn't a joke

maybe it was a joke to everyone else but

I wasn't laughing when I looked at those

three prisoners I saw my future

all night long I heard the clang clang

clang clang crinkly nova candies I had a

choice either never sleep again in my

life or get rid of the candy goodbye

forever

realest realest right

oh I felt a great weight had been lifted

off my shoulders I would have skipped

all the way home if I didn't look so

stupid doing it what's that Dad he

dreads him for Halloween early wrong

again my little citizen the Neighborhood

Watch Committee voted me their fearless

leader and I intend to look the part

great their doll the property values

watch it

snide comments like that won't be

tolerated on my big and without you

skipping outside even my dad's raging

psychosis couldn't dampen money the

candy was gone

I must candy free Louie I got you a gift

what is it I know how hard October's are

for you with mom's no candy world so

when I found this I figured it was time

to do something for Louie cuz you always

good where'd you get that candy I told

you Louie

we put you up to this no way

you want me to go to prison is that it

you're trying to pull me away locked me

up send me up the river into the clink

the slammer the picking off the law oh

forget it

I won't play the SAP for you I will play

the SAP or anyone

that wasn't an ordinary piece of candy

new it was a message a message from the

man upstairs I knew what I had to do I

bring that sucker back mr. Anderson may

I help you with something no I was just

um I'm doing some research you know

studying the marketing of candy and that

kind of thing uh-huh

tell me something mr. Anderson if I

searched your pockets right now what

would I find well also do you know what

an audit is Lilly Oh something French

flaky crust on the outside cream in the

middle hmm

tomorrow morning I'm having the whole

store audited that means I'm going to

count up all the money in the cash

registers and all the merchandise and

make sure everything's been paid for Oh

accurate is this order very if a single

piece of candy left this store unpaid

for I'll know it you will end I'll know

whose parents to call wow that is an

accurate audit guess I'll be getting

home it was time to face the facts my

life Louie Anderson marginal student was

over I was now a common criminal I

wondered what kind of food they'd served

in the prison cafeteria and I wondered

if they'd give you seconds maybe if you

asked real nice don't send me into the

big house I didn't mean to

hooey what's the matter with you I was

just kidding very funny

why are you dressed like the phones

anyway cuz it's Halloween duh where's

your costume

leave me alone Halloween if I never saw

another Halloween again it would be too

soon I had 10 hours to find a way to

stay off the chain g*ng Louie I'm very

disappointed in you

what he called already who called I

still have 10 hours Louie you're

babbling I'm talking about the candy the

candy I found in your jacket pocket oh

right so no one called you know but you

know how I feel about candy before

Halloween we had a deal you're

absolutely right mom just give me that

piece of candy I'll get rid of it too

late I put it in with the rest of the

trick-or-treat can you did want to come

up with that costume my lady

[Music]

are you doing sorry buddy it's Halloween

you're not going out without a costume

rules are rules

oh he's getting away

hey you goes come here shoes you have

red shoes red shoes your way

show me your shoes hey you goes come

here

[Music]

[Music]

go justice

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

no it's not a bird secret

thank you very much dr. Miller I told

you you never go trick-or-treating at

the dentist actually I needed a new

toothbrush don't move

that's the biggest dog I've ever seen I

bet you he's crabby I guess there's a

resemblance what you really want to take

that chance maybe I should get some

pepper spray that's the whole sad story

don't worry about it Louie we'll come

visit you in the big house yeah it won't

be all bad you get those cool pajamas

you know with the stripes

hey Louie were there cashman high-tops

what the sneakers the red high-tops the

ghost was wearing yeah I think so why

well your ghost left a trail

[Music]

Anderson really shouldn't we simply let

the police do their job I mean the

officer said that we should I know I

heard the guy we should leave our porch

lights on and keep our eyes out sorry

Jennsen that's not gonna cut it my posit

excuse me uh put you in charge my car my

rules

right there hey this now give me your

candy drop that candy Glenn fun will be

easy night dog of the new Guinness give

me the candy who's gonna make me

we are beyond you come on how don't you

think I am yeah that a trick question

[Music]

huh

[Music]

here you go kid you can have mine

gentlemen lady amen

wait a second mr. meat sir the candy can

I see the candy sorry kid

finders keepers I just need one piece

wish I could help but I'm a lost cause

once the candy thief always I came they

thief please the boys touching me just

one piece one piece but you can't look

what go for the rule my friend guy with

the gold makes the rules one piece no

looking there must have been 500 pieces

of candy in that bag

but it didn't matter higher power was

guiding my hand there you go kid it's

all yours

my advice throw it away cuz candy she's

a cruel mistress

you shut up brother Wow what now Lily

now we return in know about it I don't

know maybe the breaking-and-entering

part no it's only ill*gal if you're

breaking in to steal something

since we're breaking them to return

something it's perfectly legal

hey guys what do you do the front doors

open

yes this is Jones Street wrong again

Jenson Jones Street is this way you tell

a man the side this is madness madness

we'll never see our families again we're

gonna have to set our own colony right

here fellas

that's our call to duty

[Music]

why do you suppose the door was open

maybe they left it open tear out the

food right the same way you open your

mouth to air out your brain exactly

almost there

Louie I think I figured out why the

front doors were open I don't care oh

yes you do hearing out the food and go

in some way I told you not to follow me

any ideas yeah

drop the candy Oh chica stop hey what

about us

Oh drop the kids come out with your

hands up

man I knew that point was coming

[Music]

were you scared not at all maybe a

little you hidden I'm so scared

Louis I want to thank you for saving my

store

there was nothing I owe you an apology I

never should have accused you of

stealing actually no you're right it

should be a written apology now tell you

what as soon as I'm done with that candy

audit I'll put it all down in writing

wait a minute you're not listening to me

what I'm trying to tell you is should

incorporate you were right

this piece of candy what candy what are

you talking about I don't have time for

this nonsense and it's in your son's

babbling I think he's in shock

take care of the boy can I ask you a few

questions how does it feel to be a hero

no it's true I'm not a hero at all oh

you're just being modest no I'm not I'm

telling you the truth

the only reason I was in the market is

because I was trying to return the piece

of candy that I stole this is reporter

Kimberly Raines with local hero Louie

Anderson back to nice and the hero

Wow Louie you're a hero quit calling me

that didn't you hear a word I said

what's that hero

Louie I hope you learned your lesson

you heard me apologize you're the only

one I tried to tell the truth but no one

would listen well the important thing is

that you tried I'm sorry I took the

candy I know and that's what makes you a

hero

you think so I know so good night mom

Oh Louie one more thing the supermarket

manager stopped by with a reward for you

I put it in your room a reward

good night I'll sleep on here tonight

get away from me candy oh yeah hold on

the wind up wet ensure the lambda

pathologist