02x04 - Leave it to Bill and Ted

[bunniefuu]

I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire

And I'm Ted Theodore Logan.

Together we are,

Wyld Stallyns!

Greetings, excellent ones.

Whoa!

♪ Life can be all you want it to be when you follow your dreams

♪ Join a team and always believe and soon your dreams will be reality

Whoa!

BILL & TED: Whoa!

♪ It's Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ They'll stay together

♪ Friends forever

♪ It's Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ Cruising in their time machine ♪

Party on, dudes.

Excellent!

Ted, my esteemed colleague,

thus ends another stirring episode of,

"The Equivalentizer".

I must say, it gave me food for thought.

I must say, it gave me thought for food, Bill.

Ted, shall we pursue this most resplendent life ourselves?

You're right, my friend,

the Equivalentizer is a most non-non non-heinous dude.

He helps innocent victims for free.

And he speaks with a most authentic English accent.

(MICROWAVE BEEPING)

Mmm!

(GULPING)

Scope the hour.

Right! It's time for...

"Vamps and Amps"!

We misspoke, Ted,

"Vamps and Amps" isn't on for another 30 minutes.

No, wait! I like this episode.

I've seen it 35 times.

I've seen it 36.

One time I fell asleep.

That counts!

Badger, hurry up. You'll be late for school.

Gee, mom, I don't think he hears you.

He's just sitting on his bed staring out the window.

Bord, I'm worried about the Badger.

I'll have a little talk with him when I get home after work, dear.

BILL & TED: (TALKING ALONG WITH GOLLY) A talk won't help, dad,

Badger's in love with Mary Jane Smedley.

Maybe you should tell Mary Jane how you feel, dear.

Aw, gee, mom!

(MOUTHING ALONG)

What if she laughs at me?

She will laugh at him, Ted.

Re-runs are most egregiously predictable.

Look!

It's the heinous Jeddy Raskell, Golly's untrustworthy bud.

He will advise Badge to impress Mary Jane by claiming to be an agent with the FBI.

JANE: We think he's in love.

If only it could turn out differently, Bill.

Yes, Ted. If only Jeddy could be thwarted most non-heinously.

(SIGHING)

Excellent! This is our chance to be the Equivalentizer!

Our first client...

Badger Cadger, himself!

Are you sure your father will not object to what we have done?

We'll be back before he finds out.

And besides, does the Equivalentizer ask his dad, Bill?

Most certainly, probably not, Ted.

BILL & TED: Whoa!

Whoa!

This it it! Cadger country.

It must be, I feel so...normal.

But dude, we have lost all our resplendent color.

Just tell her you like her, Badger.

Aw, gee, mom. What if she laughs at me?

We are too early, Ted. Let us skip ahead.

JEDDY: Hey, fellas!

Ready for school?

Hi, Jeddy.

Good morning, Mrs. Cadger.

What seems to be vexing young Alexander here?

We think he's in love, Jeddy.

Bye, boys!

This is where things get most non-triumphant, Ted.

Let's listen in.

Just tell Mary Jane Smedley that you're an FBI agent.

But she won't believe it, Jeddy! Unless maybe I caught a crook.

Well, how about if I pretend to be an escaped criminal

and let Mary Jane see you capture me?

That's a swell idea, Jeddy.

BADGER: Let's do it after school.

Time to suit up, Ted.

Yeah, equivalentize on, dudes! (DIALING)

I don't believe you, Badger Cadger.

If you're working for the FBI,

how come you're wearing your usual stupid clothes instead of a suit?

Uh, only grown-ups wear suits, Mary Jane.

FBI kids dress like kids.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's that?

Hey! Aren't you Lefty McLefty, the escaped criminal?

You're under arrest.

(CHUCKLES) Why, Badger, what ever do you mean?

I'm Jeddy Raskell, your brother Golly's best friend.

See! I knew you were fibbing, Badger.

(LAUGHS)

TED: Not so fast, McLefty!

FBI, boys and girls.

You are coming with us, son.

Consider yourself equivalentized!

Good work, Special Agent Badger.

We'll take it from here.

Your girlfriend must be triumphantly impressed.

(SIGHS)

Gee, Badger, I really am impressed!

I'm gonna go to the Malt Shop to tell my friends!

(SIREN WAILING)

Police!

Run!

Hey, guys, wait for me!

Who are those guys?

Badger, go home dude. You will be okay.

Are you guys really with the FBI?

(PANTING)

Dude, we must return these uniforms before my dad notices they are gone.

Agreed, my friend.

You know? I am most favorably impressed by the world of this television show.

Whoa!

Uh, Bill?

Bogus!

So then those two guys showed up and said that Jeddy really was a crook.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

But I don't know who they were, honest.

Badger, I think you and your father should have a little talk about this.

Honey, could you come here a moment?

These officers say that Badger and two hooligans

were harassing Jeddy Raskell.

I told them we would make sure it didn't happen again.

We'll have a little talk with the Badger.

Our work is almost done, Ted.

Whenever they have a little talk, it means the show is over.

Uh, Golly,

what happens after Badge has his little talk each week?

The show ends and we all just kind of disappear.

Ted, we are in desperate danger.

Once this episode ends, everyone will disappear.

Including us!

Huh?

Cadger family, open up!

Badger, I hope you've learned a lesson from this little episode.

Stop! No lessons!

All little talks are canceled until further notice.

Oh, uh, hi, guys.

Badger, are these your hooligan friends?

Uh, yes. Come on, Badge! Time to hooligan down.

What?

Hey, you guys, wait up!

Bill, we have stopped the little talk so the show cannot end.

But now what?

I have a most excellent scheme, Ted.

Let us take these Cadger brothers back to our time

and give them an anti-dork makeover to enhance their overall excellence.

Excellent! Let's go, dudes.

Gee, who are we calling, guys?

It's not who, it's when.

BILL & TED: Party on, dudes!

Wow, this must be Moon Base 3000.

Gee!

Try San Dimas 1991, dude.

It's in color, just like the Sunday funnies.

Gosh, guys, do you have personal rocket backpacks and computerized bathrooms?

No, but I have a digital watch.

Wow!

Bill, something's wrong with this TV. It won't change channels.

All it gets is this dumb rerun.

Uh, gee, most bogus.

Missy, uh, this is, uh,

Gilbert and Alexander.

Dudes, this is Missy. I mean, mom.

Get outta here!

Ma'am, how can you be Bill's mom when you're, like, a girl?

I'm Bill's step-mother.

You two look very familiar.

Uh, Bill, strange things are afoot in the Cadger household.

Oh Mrs. Cadger, is Golly home?

Gee, look, Golly, it's Jeddy.

Gosh, maybe he conned somebody into giving him his own show.

But that's our house!

Golly? Badger?

Isn't anybody going to say, "Wow, Jeddy,

"you have some nerve showing your face here."

This is riveting, spine-tingling television.

Not!

"Say, Jeddy, how 'bout a snack?"

Hey, thanks, don't mind if I do.

Look, dudes, instead of watching Jeddy eat milk and cookies,

why don't we go out like we discussed?

We'll show you the mall.

The mall?

Oh, I get it, Bill. A mall is an indoor shopping center.

Wow!

What a tiny television set.

And look at all those channels to choose from.

That's neat.

My young friend, those are computers.

They're for playing games.

The uniforms!

My dad's police uniforms, Bill.

We left 'em back, you know, back there!

No problem, Ted. We will give these dudes an excellence makeover,

go home and watch "Vamps and Amps" and then return them to their correct time and place!

Well, Cadger brothers, what do you think?

It's okay, I guess.

Come on, Badge. That's not what you're supposed to say.

You're supposed to say, "Most non-heinously triumphant, dude".

Excellent!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

Missy, is something wrong?

You're reading a book.

Okay, if no one's here I'm taking over. Why not?

I've got lots more talent than that little creep.

From now on, it's "Leave it to Jeddy".

Wow!

Jeddy has become a mental case.

Bumpy, it's about time.

Let's go outside.

Ted, as long as Golly and the Badger are here with us,

the show will never end!

And unless it does end, "Vamps and Amps" can't come on next!

Bogus!

We have to do two things.

First, we have to hide these.

The uniforms! How'd he get them?

Ted, we've got to get these young men back to their TV show most expeditiously.

Cadger dudes, it's time to go back.

One more thing, stick around in case Golly and Badger come back.

Hey, wait, listen!

This is my show now, and if those two strangers show up

we're gonna take care of them!

(EVIL LAUGH)

No way!

TED: Most certainly not, Golly.

BILL: Only Ted and I do, becaus it is our destiny to be the world's greatest dudes!

Uh, anybody see Jeddy and his friend?

Nah, they probably went home.

Come on, Badge, mom and dad will be wondering where we are.

Okay, Golly.

Bill and Ted, thanks a lot for showing us your world and everything like that.

Badger and Golly, be excellent to each other.

Yeah, anyway, thanks! So long!

Ted, my friend, look around.

Our "Leave It to Badger" experience is about to start the final chorus.

Soon, Bord will give Badger the world-famous, little talk

and this episode will end.

You know something, Bumpy?

I think I'm gonna fire Bord and Jane.

I don't need any little talks on "Leave it to Jeddy".

Uh, hi, Jeddy.

Uh, Badge, Golly...

Uh, you know, you were gone a pretty long time, so I...

So you stole all our milk and cookies, right?

I... I...borrowed them.

Beat it, Jeddy, this is Badger's show.

Without him you wouldn't even be here.

Come on, Bumpy.

(DOOR OPENING)

They should be right around here, Bill.

Most triumphant!

JEDDY: You two!

If you hadn't come back, this show would be mine.

Bumpy, get 'em!

(SCREAMING)

Wait!

So this is theirs, huh?

(SMASH)

JEDDY: Yeah!

Bogus!

Gee, Golly, I hope mom and dad aren't mad that we were gone so long.

Yeah, plus wait until they see these clothes.

JANE: Badger? Your father has been waiting to have a little talk with you.

Ted, my colleague, I have just had a most disquieting thought.

Once Badger's little talk with his dad is over, the show will end!

And since our time booth is most heinously destroyed ....

We are stuck here! And like everybody else ....

TED: We will disappear!

Now, let's finish the job.

Bill, I earnestly suggest that we start disappearing immediately!

(GASPS)

Yo!

Because, you see, Badger, sometimes when we do things

we don't know what will happen when we finish doing them.

Both to ourselves and to others.

Wow, dad! I know what ya mean.

I think.

Whoa!

No way!

(SCREAMING)

I think these will come in handy in future episodes.

Bill, if we disappear,

will we be back in future episodes?

I don't know. We may just be one-time only guest stars.

Badger, I hope you learned a lesson today.

I sure did, mom.

I learned that I don't want to be an FBI agent,

or Mary Jane's boyfriend, or anything like that.

I just want to be what I am,

a dumb kid with the best family in the whole wide world.

Milk and cookies, everyone?

Excellent!

Hold 'em there, Bumpy. They caused me to lose my own show.

And now they're gonna pay.

Ooh!

Aw, heck!

Bill, it's a miracle!

What happened?

It is the theme music for the show!

Badge and his dad had that little talk. The show is over!

We are saved!

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

Bill, we are most grievously not saved.

We are dead! Everything's starting to disappear!

(GRUNTING)

It is the end of the world!

No, wait, it is not the end of the world!

It is...

BILL & TED: Rufus!

What's that?

Gentlemen, we seem to be in something of a pickle, don't we?

Who is this guy?

Uh, Rufus, we are rapidly approaching a state of complete disappearance

and our booth is most grievously horizontal!

How do you know the booth won't work? Have you tried it?

I have a most triumphant dial tone.

There, now get back home.

And be excellent to each other.

Ted, let's go.

Come on, Jeddy!

If I don't return those uniforms, my father will be most displeased!

Tough noogies, pal.

Ted!

(SCREAMING)

ALL: Whoa!

Ted, my friend, is it not most triumphant to be home again?

Ask me later, Bill. Look.

Oh, no!

Where have you been?

Oh, you know, dad, around.

I'll bet.

Where'd you get those, son?

Um, they're mine, sir.

I admire the police force so much,

I have my own uniforms.

No kidding, so do I.

And these are them! Let's go.

Hey, but you can't do this!

Call the police!

Son...

Excellent!

Last stop, Jeddy.

You're lucky Ted's dad let you off with a warning.

Later, dude.

Gosh, Jeddy, where were you?

We were waiting for you to say your line so we could end the show.

Say it, Jeddy.

It's, "Leave me alone, you guys".

Aw, leave me alone, you guys.

Thanks.

Another outstanding mission accomplished for the Equivalentizer, Bill.

And yet, friend Ted, another mission awaits us.

Coming up next...

"Vamps and Amps"!

Excellent!