02x08 - The Apple Doesn't Fall Far from the Phone Booth

[bunniefuu]

I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!

Together we are Wyld Stallyns!

Greetings, Excellent Ones.

Whoa!

♪ Life can be all you want it to be

♪ When you follow your dreams

♪ Join a team and always believe

♪ And soon your dreams will be reality

BILL & TED: Whoa!

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ They'll stay together

♪ Friends forever

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team

♪ Cruising in their time machine ♪

Party on, dudes.

Excellent!

(GUITAR FLOURISH)

LOGAN: You're lacking responsibility,

punctuality, reliability,

dependability, dedication, commitment.

In short, Theodore, self-discipline.

This note says you're doing poorly in science.

You don't know a microscope from a microphone.

Maybe Old Oats Military Academy can fit some

self-discipline into that gap between your ears!

All the way to Alaska for self-discipline?

Is there not another way to work this out?

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree,

but I certainly wasn't anything like you as a kid.

Back then, life wasn't so easy.

Hard times gave a young man self-discipline.

Up at dawn, made the bed, and cleaned my room.

Trekked miles to school.

Had a perfect school attendance record.

Did my homework by candlelight.

Of course, I didn't have any of your musical distractions.

Military academy it is, son.

I'll notify Colonel Oats immediately.

Alaska? Bogus!

I'm afraid we will not be able to do much practicing

when I'm all the way at the icy tip.

Ted, my companion, suppose you were to find

this highly esteemed self-discipline elsewhere?

Then maybe Dad would not think I need military academy.

BOTH: Excellent!

(GUITAR FLOURISH)

But, where to, dude?

Are you sure we will find self-discipline

if we travel into my father's childhood?

Most assuredly.

I mean, just look at how much responsibility, punctuality,

reliability, dependability,

dedication, and commitment he has!

There should be plenty left over for me.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

BILL & TED: We're history!

Unless barns looked like suburban tract homes back then,

we must have the wrong address.

My dad was egregiously mistaken about living on a farm.

Didn't you ever visit your grandparents?

I was a tiny tot-type dude.

MRS. LOGAN: Hurry up, Chet. You'll be late for school!

Chet's my dad's name!

This is most definitely his youthhood home.

Excellent!

Hey, look at your dad's hair. He had some hipitude!

TED: Check out his room. What a mess!

MRS. LOGAN: Make sure your room is clean today!

TED: Dad certainly was a crafty type.

I fear that the only virtue

we're gonna find around here is resourcefulness.

It does seem to be a shortage of responsibility,

punctuality, reliability...

(DOOR OPENING)

You here to fix the sprinklers?

Uh, well, yeah. If you say so.

And while you're at it, mow the lawn!

That good-for-nothing son of mine hasn't

done his chores in weeks!

I guess they don't make kids the way they used to.

Whoa! Even grandma used to be young.

No sense of commitment! No regard for responsibility!

Look!

Dad was most inaccurate about that long walk to school.

Nothing is looking the way dad described it!

Hey, maybe the classroom is where he learned

that most hearty dose of self-discipline.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Whoa, San Dimas High hasn't changed at all!

No! But the students certainly had bohemianesque taste in clothing.

(PANTING)

Late again, Mr. Logan?

Sorry, Miss Strictman.

Looks like teach is not mondo impressed with dad's attendance record.

Let me guess, Chet. The canary swallowed the assignment again?

Or was it the goldfish?

Actually, I was real busy.

A tragedy, I'm sure. Hand it over.

Bill, my fair friend, I'm beginning to believe that I possess

an abundance of self-discipline compared to Dad.

I fear that you may be most devastatingly correct.

Two drops of H2O.

Four drops of reagent.

(SIZZLING)

Oops!

(ALL COUGHING)

Class is dismissed.

Mr. Logan! As far as I'm concerned, this classroom is just

a parking space for your books.

You don't know a test tube from an inner tube.

You're more interested in winning this Battle of the Bands contest

then you are in studying.

Excellent! Dad was a musician too.

If you don't shape up, Chet, it's another note home to your father

and no Battle of the Bands.

Dude, your dad is in some industrial-sized trouble.

Bill, my fellow self-discipline searcher,

I fear that there is a run on irresponsibility and laziness.

And a non-triumphant shortage of dedication, commitment etc.

But we cannot give up! Self-discipline must be around here somewhere.

You're late again, man. And we can't have that.

Guess you should know just where you're at!

♪ We're now the Doo Wop Duo, that's real fine.

♪ Shoo da doo wop, bop doo wa

♪ 'Cause us minus you is hep, cool time

More grief. Dude, your dad is carrying a heinous hex.

♪ We'll win the contest, we don't need you

♪ So go get lost 'cause you're all through

Aw, come on, daddy-o's!

Daddy-o's? Your father certainly had a way with words.

Not!

It can't be splitsville. We're gonna win together.

(GROWLING)

(SINGING OFF KEY) ♪ Give me one more try

♪ We'll beat the other cats and reach the sky ♪

No wonder Dad is such an un-fun dude now.

BILL: His music career was most non-fortuitously cut off before it even started!

Winning that contest was his dream!

Those doo wop singers ruined his life!

There goes his future.

Mine too.

Dude, I have a stellar idea.

Let us get our guitars and become your dad's back-up band.

He will be sure to win the contest most triumphantly!

BILL & TED: Wyld Stallyns rule!

Ted, we may never find self-discipline,

but we can make your dad a most excellent musician!

If he becomes a successful singer, he'll never send me to Alaska!

Because he will want another musician in the family!

An apple off the tree.

BOTH: Yeah!

Hey, whoa!

Hurry, there's the bus.

TED: Just in time!

Pardon us, total stranger dude.

We were wondering if you knew a stellar vocal talent in need of a back-up band?

Man, oh, man, do I ever!

(PLAYING LOUD ROCK MUSIC)

(LOGAN SINGING) ♪ Shoo be doo wop!

♪ Doo wop a doo bop, yeah ♪

Dad!

Sounds like a four-alarmer in here!

Grandpa?

We're practicing for the Battle of the Bands contest! It's tomorrow night.

Practicing? Not studying?

You'd better shut down this noise hydrant and hit the books!

One more smoke signal from your teacher and I'll douse your flame!

And I mean Admiral Trench's Military Academy in Arizona!

It just fires me up to think I'm raising a son lacking self-discipline!

BILL & TED: Bogus!

We must travel into tomorrow and follow your father all day.

Otherwise it'll be military school instead of the Battle of the Bands contest!

BILL & TED: Whoa!

(GRUNTING)

Wait! Wait!

He has most erroneously missed his ride!

He'll never get to school on time!

What? Whoa! (SPITTING)

Dude, with a wet head, you bear a tremendous resemblance to your father!

An apple off the old tree!

I can go to school and fill in for him.

Excellent!

(GROANING)

Mr. Logan has discovered that punctuality is a virtue and not a hazard to bicycle tires.

And who is your friend?

I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire, ma'am!

A, uh, distant associate.

And an obvious good influence on our Chet.

Dude, I'm not completely in the light about what it is I am to do here.

Two drops of sugar solution...

Ted, my fellow scientist, we must bluff it!

Elephant food, my friend.

Let us see what happens.

Here, uh, pour it in this!

Whoa!

Peanut brittle. My favorite.

Mmm.

Two thirds caramelized sugar solution, one third peanuts.

Very clever of you, Chet.

Things are proceeding with excellence, Ted.

I agree, my friend. Not only have we kept Dad out of trouble,

we've improved his status with the authority types!

Man, oh, man.

It's gloomsville between Miss Strictman and my dad,

I'll be on a train for Arizona by sundown.

Don't worry, little father-like dude.

Bill and I have taken care of everything.

Our peanut brittle recipe won you an A in Miss Strictman's grade book!

Peanut brittle?

(LOGAN SINGING OFF KEY) ♪ I don't mean maybe, do the wave

♪ Work is done, time to have some fun

♪ Everybody, let's do the wave

♪ Hip the hop and never stop

♪ Gonna rock and rock around the clock

♪ Everybody, let's do the wave

♪ Uh, huh huh

♪ Everybody, let's do the wave ♪

Cool!

Maybe we can win if we play extra loud.

The louder the better.

We must drown out Dad's most unharmonious tones!

BILL & TED: Rufus!

Comrades. A word with you, please.

Ted, I've come to stop you from playing for your father tonight.

Huh? But we have to.

We're gonna win the contest and make a musician out of him.

See this? It's proof that you can become a star without talent.

You dudes win the contest and Dad goes on to become a renowned singer.

Never marries, never becomes a detective with the San Dimas Police Department,

and never has a son.

But we can't just desert my father. He's counting on us!

You Excellent Ones will think of something.

You always do.

We're in the midst of a dilemma, dude.

Instead of deserting your dad, why not find him a career counselor?

Excellent. Someone to make him forget music

and talk him into becoming a detective!

We need a famous sleuth-type figure.

Let's see, uh, detectives, detectives, um...

Whoa!

(GASPING)

Hmm.

Good heavens, I'm closer, I can feel it!

I knew the hound of the Baskervilles couldn't elude my genius.

By jove, he's got shoes?

Pardon me, quadrupedal detective dude.

Why, you aren't the hound of the Baskervilles!

No, I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!

And I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

Together, we are Wyld Stallyns!

My word!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

SHERLOCK: Heavens! That was faster than the speed of sound!

Hey, guys. Troublesville!

Our instruments, they're gone! Someone stole them.

Do you not see that this heinous theft is actually quite fortuitous?

Most emphatically.

Our guitars are a small price to pay for keeping Dad out of the contest!

And assuring you a life.

So you wish me to discover the whereabouts of the instruments!

Very well! We shall find the miscreants too, my boy!

But first, you must help me locate that shifty hound of the Baskervilles.

Cool! Hey, daddy-o's, he's gonna help us find the instruments

(SNAPPING)

♪ You won't win, Logan It's all over.

♪ Shoo da doo wop, bop doo wa

♪ Your instruments are gone and we're taking over.

♪ Over

♪ Over ♪

Come, Watson. The game is afoot.

Dude, we must keep them from stumbling into the missing musical pieces!

Great Scott, Watson! I've picked up that uncanny hound's prints again.

Hey, uh, Chet? I'm hungry. Let's break for a snack.

Listen, cats, there isn't much time. The contest will be curtainsville soon!

Maybe you should forget music and find something you like better.

Detective work, perhaps?

You sound like my father. He wants me to become a fireman!

Watson, come quick! The hound of the Baskervilles.

That dreaded mongrel is a heartbeat away.

My saints, it's...

(YELLS)

(GROWLING)

Why this isn't the hound of the Baskervilles.

It is, more accurately, the mutt of Chihuahua!

The Doo Wop Duo! Our instruments are here, I know it!

Look up there!

I say! There's the loot.

(GRUNTING)

Actually, it's a guitar. Both of them!

We've got to hurry. The contest will be over any minute!

STRICTMAN: (OVER PA) The winners are the San Dimas Doo Wop Duo .

(CHEERING)

We could've won, man. Now I'll never be a singer. My life is doomsville.

Maybe it's better this way, Dad, uh, daddy-o.

Think of everything you would've missed!

Missed?

♪ We hid the instruments I do have to say

♪ Shoo da doo wop, bop doo wa

♪ Looks like the plants and trees didn't steer you away

♪ Shoo da doo wop, bop doo wa

♪ But we win anyway.

♪ Oooh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

So you two were the instrument thieves. Detention for both of you.

Meet me in my office.

BILL & TED: Excellent!

Good work, Chet. I'm very proud.

Well, maybe I'm a better detective than I am a singer.

You're a regular Sherlock Holmes.

You know that cat too?

I sent a rather sharply worded note home to your father yesterday.

I regret now that I did it. I'd take those words back if I could.

You've shown a lot of responsibility today. I'm very sorry, Chet.

Man, very uncool! Dad probably got the note this morning!

It'll be army marches when I get home!

Don't worry, dude. Bill and I will keep that note from your dad.

You two are the greatest friends a guy could have!

Excellenceville!

(GUITAR FLOURISH)

Cool!

Dudes, we must return to this morning and nab that most uncomplimentary note

out of the mailbox before Dad's dad sees it!

BILL & TED: Whoa!

Ah! Chet, you told me he fixed those sprinklers yesterday!

Excellent!

MRS. LOGAN: You aren't dependable, reliable, committed, dedicated!

Mission accomplished!

Where to, detective dude?

Back to the moor.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

TED: Dude, that was an exceedingly eye-opening journey.

But I worry that we are right back where we started.

Hey! Sherlock told you that you're reliable.

And Miss Strictman called me punctual and responsible!

But Dad still thinks I lack self-discipline.

Bill, my steadfast companion, these may be our last hours together before...

LOGAN: Theodore!

BOTH: Military school!

There you are! I've been looking for you!

I'm ready to order you a going away cake.

How does chocolate with green camouflage frosting sound?

What have we here?

Mr. Logan? Must be for me.

"Dear Mr. Logan, your son, Chet, has been, uh,

"late for class everyday for the past three months.

"Less than passing grades, no grasp of scientific concepts,

"lacking responsibility, punctuality, reliability...

BOTH: "Dependability, dedication, commitment."

Where did this come from?

I don't know, Dad. You're the detective.

About military school, Dad...

Uh, we won't worry about military school right now, son.

Maybe Arizona, uh, Alaska, I mean, is too far away for you.

Outstanding!

(GUITAR FLOURISH)

♪ It's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures

♪ A most bodacious, courageous team ♪