01x12 - Law and Boarder

[bunniefuu]

Brendon, the policeman said
that you were riding

On the wrong side of the road.

So, unfortunately
you might be at fault.

Fault?
Fault, schmault.

They can't prove crap.

Should've fled the scene——
next time...

Next time?
No next time, brendon.

You could've really gotten hurt.

I know.

Wait a minute——where's my bike?
What happened...?

We need to turn around.

Brendon, your bike is totaled.

Actually, it's...
It's in my pocket.

Here it is, I'm sorry.

Great—— I mowed lawns for a year
to get that bike.

I bought you that bike
for your birthday.

You've never mowed a lawn
in your life.

That's not the point.

Look, I have a concussion, okay?

And I'm not even sure
who you are right now.

'Kay?
Mom?

Uh—huh.

Hey, there's another lady
in the car.

What's this...?
What's...?

Who...?

Hello.

Hi, little brendon,
how's your boo—boo?

Hi, hi, you.

Hi.

Hi—— uh, who's this?

This is stephanie.

I told you that stephanie
was going to come...

Hello.

I was picking her up
from the airport.

Remember, I told you about
stephanie, she's...

I'm just passing through.

Just passing through.

We knew each other in college.

Sorority sisters——phi delts.

Actually, um, I wasn't in the
sorority—— that was isabella.

No, no, no——
we pledged together.

You were there.

Actually, you know, um, we met
through isabella, remember?

Oh, isabella—— I love her
so much, she is the best.

Yeah, she sounds great.

Which one of you
is my mom again?

Bless you——i know her.
She's my brother.

God, I think josie's
coming down with something.

I'm probably going to have to
take her to the doctor, too...

You know, I talked to isabella
a month ago.

She's still in england
with jacob—— she sounded great.

I should call her, actually.

You should call her.

Remember how we used

To speak in australian accents
so we'd fool guys at bars?

Hello, I'm from australia.

Land h*, guv'nuh.

I don't think I was there
when you did that.

I'm confused——
are we dropping her off?

Due to my unforeseen injury,
I regret to announce

A slight setback in our current
production the, uh,

Slapstick barbarian project.

Well, can't we, um, recast you?

Yeah, we can just grab anybody
off the street.

Hey, if I thought
there was another actor

Out there capable of doing
what I do then, you know,

In a heartbeat I would...

But... But that's not
going to happen

And we're already
halfway finished.

It... Is the tape in there?

Yeah.

Here, let's take a look at this
and see what we have so far.

So, uh, we got some work to do.

What if we wrote
funnier dialogue

And didn't rely so much
on the violence?

Yeah.

No, right—— no, no, no, no,
i... I think you're right.

Jokes—— jokes.

Yeah, we'll write some jokes.

You guys, uh, get...
Get the pens out.

Okay.

Let's, um, get cooking.

Let's get this thing,
uh, moving.

Brendon, how about you ask
jason what time it is?

Uh, okay, uh, what time is it?

Uh, 7:00—ish.

Is that it?

I was hoping that
would get you guys started.

Let's do this, okay?

I'm a barbarian,
so are you, jason...

Oh, I have a good, um, joke.

Oh, yeah?
Okay, let's hear it.

If we're both barbarians, right?

Right, sure.

Then I would come up to you
and say "um, excuse me,

Can I 'ax' you a question?"

That's pretty good.

Because, you know...
It's kind of a play on words.

We both have battle axes.

Yeah... Right, I got it, yeah.

And then you're, like,

"What kind of question
would you 'ax' me?"

Right.

And I would, like "well, I have
a lot of questions to 'ax' you"

And then you would say, like,
"well, 'ax' away,"

And then I would say, like...

We get it.

"Which should I 'ax' first?"

We get it—— I'm going to...

And, brendon, you would say,

"I don't know.
"Just pick one to 'ax'..."

You guys, I'm going to...

"Right now,"
and then I would say...

It's basically... You're playing
on the word "ax," I think.

Yes, but for a long time.

But you don't even have axes,
you have clubs.

Yeah, well, you know
this is like...

No, barbar... Oh.

Yeah.

So maybe something about

"Hey, you want to go
to that new club?"

Right.

I don't like that one.

Mmm.

I'm very spiritual now.

Um, I guess I believe
that everything

Happens for a reason, you know?

Right, yeah.

Mm—hmm, and it's karma, too.

But i... I have
these new chinese friends now

And they are great.

And, um, they've taught me so
much... So much, um, chinese.

Well, yeah, you sound busy,
you sound...

Oh, I am——are you kidding?
I am.

Hey, how's your husband?

Richard?

He's fantastic. Fantastic guy.

Busy as a bee—— biz, buzz, buzz.

You know, he's doing...

He's doing every... Every...
Everything.

How about you?
Any men?

Oh no, not now——nope, uh—uh.

God, I haven't seen richard
since your wedding.

Wow, that was like, um,
five years ago.

Yup, five years, yup, yup, yup.

Oh, my god!

We should totally
go out dancing!

You and me, come on——
the sorority sisters, the girls.

I don't know—— brendon's in bad
shape, josie's got a cold...

Oh, come on—...

It'll be like old times.

Yeah, uh, I don't think so.

Hey, how often do you see me?

Never, really.

That's right, so you're coming.

You're coming, we're going——
let's go.

No—— you know what, stephanie?

I'm really sorry, no.

Oh, come on.

I don't think so.

Well, well, that's okay.
You know, um...

But you know what?

I... I think I'm going to go.

Yeah, I'm going to go out
dancing because I want to.

And you should just have...
You should go.

Well, I will, and I'll be back.
And not too late.

Okay, don't dance too much.

Hey, I won't, don't worry.

Thanks, mate.
Have fun.

What if, um, brendon,
you, um... You're a barbarian...

Uh—huh, I like it.

And I'm a barbarian...

Right, yeah.

Then I come up to you and say,
"ach, you are acting barbaric"

And then you say,
"because I'm a barbarian."

All right, should we try that?

And then I say, like,

"Well, that still is no excuse
for you being so barbaric."

And then you say "I can't help
it because I'm a barbarian."

Jason, I think you got to learn
when to stop

Because you're starting out
strong but then

The more you do it,
it's not as funny anymore.

It comes around.

Right.

Melissa is not
really adding anything

So why are you being so,
um, critical?

That's part of what...
I'm trying to help.

Okay, well, um...
I think we're having...

I think we're...

What does that mean?

We've got a lot...

Who's writing this down?

I am.

So read that last thing back
to me and really sell it big.

Okay, jason comes in

And he says, "you're acting
like a barbarian."

"Acting like a barbarian."

And then I stopped writing...

That was not even nearly...

Because that's where I think
the joke is.

No, melissa, the scene went on
for another three minutes.

No, because the...

I know, but the...
Irony of you saying to him...

Brendon, she's, um...

Okay, you know what?

Because I think the irony
of it is funny.

I think I know a few thi...

I don't want my scenes edited
by you, melissa.

Okay, well, um,
this is tough and, uh,

I think I hate doing this.

Stephanie:
I'm going to find out
where she keeps the liquor.

Oh, yeah!

Man:
hey, hey, do that
australian thing again.

You know that...

Good day, marsupial dingo...

Mate.

Keep going.

Paula:
hi. Uh, I don't mean
to be rude, but, um...

Hey, missy.

Hello, mister...

Yeah, okay, the noise
woke up the baby.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
This is paula.

Hey, paula.

Okay.

Paula.

Yeah, I hate to do this
but it is 1:30 in the morning.

Could you call it a night?

Oh, sure, sure—...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Who the hell is that?

Oh, little b.
Oh, we woke you up, I'm sorry.

Um, actually, the smell of cheap
cologne and whiskey woke me up.

I just came down to see whose...

Well, okay, great, then.

The night's over,
everybody go to bed.

Am I that loud when I sleep?

You know, brendon,
learn a lesson from tonight.

If you're ever a houseguest,
don't bring strange men over.

I can't make any promises.

Well, at least not trumpeteers.

You know, it's funny, I remember
her being a little less...

Gregarious.

What, you mean, like,
in the hips?

Do you need some help
putting those away?

Oh, sure, thanks—— sure.

Stephanie:
ow, oh, I'm sleepy.

Oh, yeah?

I'll be fine.

You know i...
I was hoping to talk to you

About that guy
you brought home last night.

Oh, sure—— what?

I... I'm not sure if i...

Okay, here's the thing,
stephanie.

I don't really like
exposing my kids

To strange drunk men
inside here.

Oh, let me apologize for that.

I think I had a few too many
you—know—whats.

Drinks—— yeah, you guys
were loaded.

Yeah, I guess I got
a little silly.

But no more drunk men——
I apologize.

Do what you want at home.

I know, I know—— okay, okay.

Oh, uh, I guess
I really messed up, huh?

Well, it just, it kind of
puts me in a weird place and...

It puts you in a weird place?

I kept thinking,
what if your husband called

Looking for you
while that guy was here?

Whoa, okay, paula,
you're about to cross a line.

I'm not judging you.

Mm—hmm—— hey, just,
please, okay?

Paula:
hold on to that thought, there.

Uh, hi, sir, can I help you?

Yeah, I've got
a summons here

For a brendon small
to appear in juvenile court.

Why?

Racketeering.

What?

Oh, wait, let's see here.

Apparently, he broke
the law by riding

On the wrong side of the road
and caused an accident.

He has to go to court for that?

Hey, did I stutter?

No, but it sounded like you
lisped a few times.

Don't make me "arretht" you.

Brendon, wake up.

I am awake.

This is how I eat.

I've got to take your sister
to the doctor today

And I can't take you
to your court date.

Good, I don't want to go anyway.

No, you have to go, because
they'll throw you in jail

Plus it'll make me look bad.

Hey, let them throw me in jail.

I've seen escape from alcatraz,
and the rock

And that attica documentary,
and stripes...

No, brendon.

And goodfellas...

I'll find you a ride.

You know what, I can't believe
I have to defend myself in court

For almost getting k*lled.

I learned my stupid lesson.

Don't these people
have anything better to do

Than reprimand children?

I mean, we're easy targets.

You're going to go,
and I'm going to find you a ride

Because you can't afford
any more trouble, brendon.

Um, I can take him.

Oh, no.

Really?

Sure.

When do you need me to do it?

Right after soccer practice,
right?

Yeah.

Thanks, stephanie.

No problem, really.

I mean, I'd...
I'd love to help out, okay?

As long as I'm here, right?

Right, well, thank you.

Yeah, whoopidy—doo, steph.
Thanks a bunch.

Brendon, what are you doing?

Soccer practice is over——
get out of here.

I'm waiting to be picked up,
and they're late.

Right—— what's really
going on here, brendon?

You thinking about
running away or something?

No, I'm not going to run away.

Let me tell you something:

You should——it builds character.

Is that a fact?

Yeah... I did it.

Running away from home is great.

Well, the first time I ran away,
brendon, I was eight,

And I wanted to go
work on an oil rig.

That was my dream.

Right.

So I pointed myself
in the direction of alaska

And started running.

How far did you get?

I got to the pizza place.

Right.

But I got a job there.

That's not bad.

Yeah, and uh...
They pretty much raised me—...

The greek guy who owned it.

Is that true?

I came home about
like 5 1/2 years later

With my new greek dad
and my greek mom

And my greek brothers
and sisters and said

"This is my new family"
and introduced them
to my old family.

How'd the folks take it?

We had a party.

Yeah, that's a good story.

All right.
Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, yeah, get out of here.

Where is she?

Look, richard,
we have been going over this

It is my couch.

Richard:
no, it's not.

Richard, I bought it.

Richard:
no, I bought it.

But I picked it out, richard.

Richard: no, I picked out the couch.

I picked out the red couch.

Richard:
stephanie, you didn't have
anything to do with this couch.

Okay, but it was my idea
to go shopping.

Richard:
it was your idea to go shopping,
but...

Exactly, thank you.

Stephanie, you're not getting
any of the couch,

So get used to not having
that couch!

I am getting half that couch!

Richard:
I should've had you sign
a prenuptial agreement.

I should've had you sign
a prenuptial agreement!

Richard:
you're too emotional——
I can't listen to you.

I have every right
to be emotional.

You have made me this way.

Richard:
oh, everything's my fault.

That's right.

Richard:
I'm sitting on it now.

It's my couch.

Richard:
I'm laying on it!

Richard!

Richard:
yeah, it's a good couch.

I've got my shoes on the couch—-
what do you think about that?

Richard:
they're there, and you're gone.

That's for your couch...
And your stupid car

And your golf clubs
and your facial steamer,

And your... Your...

Your deodorizer,
your water pick...

And your mother's stupid china!

That's what I'm saying:

You get yourself a pet
like I have a fish, right?

Yeah.

It teaches you responsibility
brendon, which is what you need.

It's a responsibility tester,
right?

Sure.

I'll tell you, I've gone through
a million fish——they all die.

Yeah.

But you get over it.
You get another fish.

There's a billion fish for sale
in stores everywhere.

Yeah, yeah...

Coach, I got to ask you a favor.

You've got a car, right?

Judge:
so, you rode down
the wrong side of the street

Into oncoming traffic?

What were you thinking,
brendon?

Nothing.

I... Wait, no, I remember.

I was trying to remember
the name of the guy

Who played tron
in the movie tron.

Brendon, brendon,
you broke the law.

You caused an accident.

I'm afraid that according to the
law, you have to be punished.

Punished?
Are you serious?

Yes, I am.

I... I think that's absurd.

What my client is trying to say,
your honor...

Who is this?

Look, I told you you could come
but you couldn't talk, okay.

Trust me, I've talked myself out
of a million things like this.

No, just... Do not talk.

Just shut up
and let me handle this.

You shut up.

Brendon, is this your guardian?

I don't know.

Jon mcguirk, your honor.

Have I seen you in court before?

Yes, several times,
but that's not important, sir.

What's important is that my
Ret*rded nephew is innocent.

I'm not Ret*rded.

Yes, you are, brendon,
now, shut up.

Your honor, during the day
of the accident

Brendon was suffering
from a severe bout of, uh,

Mentally challenged... Stuff.

What are you doing?!

Mistrial, brendon.

Also, your honor, brendon
was suffering from dementia,

Which was passed down
to him from me.

Now, wait.

I don't even know where I am,
your honor.

I got hit...
I was hit by a car.

Ah... You were hit by...
Right, so... So...

What are you telling me here?

Well, that brendon was hit by
a car and that it was his fault.

You'd make a fantastic lawyer.

Now, listen, we're not disputing
who's at fault here.

We have an eyewitness
and police reports.

What I'm doing is deciding
an appropriate punishment.

That's the phase of the trial
we're at now.

Your honor, might I suggest
a spanking on his tush?

That's it——another word
and you'll be held in contempt!

Thank you, your honor.

Okay—— anyway, brendon,
I'd like to start off by...

Oh, bruce boxleitner.

What did I tell you, mister?

I'm just saying
bruce boxleitner

Was the guy in tron,
your honor.

Oh, right!
Thank you.

Oh, thank you.
Now I can sleep.

Mcguirk:
great movie.

Judge:
please, both of you!

Ahead of its time.

Now, listen to me, brendon,
I want you to write an essay

Detailing exactly
why what you did was ill*gal.

Oh, man!

Yes, yes.

And if it's good, maybe I'll let
you off the hook.

This court is a mockery.

And you there, mcguirk—...

I'd like you
to write an essay, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Hello, your honor.

As you can see, I've decided
to make a video essay

In place of a written essay,
and trust me,

This will be better because
my penmanship is atrocious

And my spelling is terrible.

Anyway, here's my punishment
and I hope you like it.

I love this new car.

Me, too.

You know what else I love?

What's that?

You.

We should run over
some children.

Yes, let's go k*ll children.

Yeah.

Look, there's one
riding towards us now.

Well, put your seat belt on.

Let's see what this baby can do.

Oh, god, I love my mother
and the country

And the judicial system.
I really love all that stuff.

No!

Paula:
you come here you bring some
stranger into my house

You say you'll pick up brendon,
and you don't.

Then you break all my plates?

What is going on here?

Stephanie:
I'll replace the plates, okay?

Paula:
no.
You know what, here's the thing.

You need to tell me
what's going on.

What? I'm a screw—up, okay!

Is that what you want to hear?

Yes... No... I mean no.

I'm a screw—up!

No.

I can't do anything right.

No.

I can't balance my checkbook.

No.

I spend too much.

No.

I'm clumsy.

Maybe.

I'm stupid, too.
He even hates my lasagna.

What do you mean?

Richard?

Yes!

Is he still alive?

Yeah.

Hey, go in the trunk, hot stuff
and go get daddy the bat.

Sure thing.

We'll finish him off.

Ow, hey, ow——not as hard.

Well, I'm trying to k*ll you.

Okay, that's it!

Both:
ow... Ow... Ow...

Stephanie, you could have
told me about the divorce.

I know, I'm sorry. I just...
I had to get out of town.

You know, the stress
was k*lling me.

It's his fault.
It's his fault

I acted like an a*s around here.

Who cares whose fault it was?

Look, you can do
one of two things:

You can cry like a baby
and ruin your own life

And everybody's life
around you or...

You can try to move on.

But richard...

Richard's a jerk!

Look, you're acting like a
victim and you are not a victim.

Say it with me.

I'm not a victim.

No, wait for me, okay?

Say it with me.

Okay, you ready?

Okay, I'm ready.

One, two, three...

Both:
I'm not a victim.

I am a victim!
Not them!

They were encased in steel!

I only had my flesh
encasement of flesh.

They should have
to write essays!

They should be punished.
Hit it, boys!

♪ Don't k*ll children
don't run them over ♪

♪ Let 'em live their lives
let 'em get older ♪

♪ Don't k*ll children
don't run them over ♪

♪ Let 'em live their lives
let 'em get older ♪

♪ Brendon small
he didn't do anything wrong ♪

♪ He was riding his bike
they tried to take his life ♪

♪ Don't k*ll children
don't run 'em over ♪

♪ Let 'em live... ♪

All right, I've seen
enough of this.

Brendon, I am very
disappointed in you.

You blatantly fabricated
contemptuous materials

And made a mockery
of this court.

You realize you'll have
to be punished again.

W—w—wait a...

No, brendon.

You won't talk yourself
out of this.

I want you to spend
the next four months

Working weekend
community service.

Oh, you've got
to be kidding me.

I don't think he's kidding.

And these nice folks have an
estimate for the car accident.

Give me that!
Here, take this.

900 Dollars?!
You have got to be kidding.

I don't think they're kidding.

Brendon, you'll have
to help me with this.

Yes, brendon.

And I don't want to see you
around here again, got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Look, I'll do
the community service.

Mom, I'll help pay you back
for the car damage.

But your honor,
I want you to know this:

I have learned
absolutely nothing.

Good day.

Brendon.

I believe I said "good day."

Hey, we should all
hang out again

When isabella comes back
into town.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it would be great.

It would be "mahvelous," mate!

"Kangaroo," "boomerang,"
you know?

Yeah, I never did that thing
with you guys, remember?

Right.

Well, seriously, paula,
thank you.

Are... Are you sure
you don't need to stay longer?

Nah, I really, you know,
better get back.

I've got a lot of stuff
to sort through.

Well, I hope everything
goes smoothly, I really do.

That's my cab.
Thank you again.

Okay.
Whoa, okay.

Good—bye.

All right,

Stephanie!

Stephanie, you forgot your,
uh...

You have been in there
the whole time.

Yeah.

Right.

Sammy?
Guess who's home.

Daddy's home.

Who's hungry, huh?

I am.

I'm going to eat in front of you
while you just lie... Lie there.

Sammy?
Little guy?

Sammy, talk to me.

You're just sleeping, right?

Wake up.

Sammy, wake up!

Oh, my god, sammy,
what am I going to do with you?

Maybe bury you
in the backyard or, um...

I don't know, what do you do
with a dead fish?

Maybe I'll put you
in a little box or something

And I'll drive you out to the...

Hold on, I'm coming.

Jon mcquirk?

Uh... No, mcquirk
lives next door.

I'm jon mcguirk.

Who wants to know?
You?

I'm afraid you have
to come with me.

For what?

m*rder one.

Huh?

Oh, hold on.

Apparently, you failed to turn
in an essay that was due
earlier today.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait!
No, I thought he was kidding.

Afraid not, sir.

Oh, my god, this isn't my day.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will
be used against you...

Mcguirk:
oh, no, no! No! Sammy!

♪ Don't k*ll children
don't run them over ♪

♪ Let 'em live their lives
let 'em get older ♪

♪ Don't k*ll children
don't run them over ♪

♪ Let 'em live their lives
and let them get older ♪

♪ Brendon small
he didn't do anything wrong ♪

♪ He was riding his bike
they tried to take his life ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪