02x02 - Identifying a Body

[bunniefuu]

Okay, alright, everybody,
quiet down now.

Alright, get it
out of your system.

Alright, ready, three, two——
alright that's great.

Listen, it's great to be a kid
and keep talking,

But we have to start.

Oh, well.

All right, uh, walk—a—thon,
who knows what a walk—a—thon is?

Um, okay, let me explain.

Walk—a—thon, you walk,
you collect money,

Um, you collect money
for walking.

Lynch: mm—hmm.
Walking by you.

Sounds like a big w.o.t.

Definitely.

What's that?

It's a waste o' time, mr. Lynch.

Lynch: oh, clever.

That's a little
whatever it's called.

It's an "a."

Thank you.

Lynch: but I'm talking about
walk—a—thons here.

I haven't told you the part

That makes the whole walk—a—thon
thing good, okay.

It is for the homeless people.

Both: what's that?

Lynch: they're people
that are homeless, obviously.

Homeless is the adjective.
People being the noun, right.

Lynch: so class, we have to
collect as much money as we can

To help the homeless, but uh,
the most important thing is,

We have to beat
those fifth graders, okay.

Beat the fifth graders,
collect more money.

They always collect
the most money and I hate them.

Lynch:
mrs. Jackson's class last year—-
actually, you know what,

For the last four years——
has collected more money.

They are no longer winners,
we are the winners.

Who's the winners?

Class: we are.

Who hates the fifth graders?

Class: you do.

No, no, class.
We all hate them.

Who hates the fifth graders?

Class: we all do.

Right on.

Mom, that's a 50.

Yeah, and?

Is that too much?

I don't think so, brendon.

There's plenty more
where that came from,

Or at least there will be.

Meaning, meaning what?

Meaning I'm going to get
a raise.

Oh, that's great.

Well, I mean I'm going
to ask for a raise.

Well, that's practically great.

Because things have been going,
very, very well at work,

And I think it's time to strike
while the iron's hot

Or, or it'll get cold.

Brendon: yeah.

And you can't strike cold iron.

Brendon: no.

Can you?

I don't know, but, but mom,
if you want me to go in

And play your crippled child,
I will, just—...

I might not even
need you to, brendon.

Whoa, so that means uh—...

Yes, we're going to have
enough money to get
the kitchen remodeled.

You know how I hate
the kitchen, brendon.

Have you thought about talking
to the kitchen and telling it
how you feel?

You know what might be fun?

Let's pick out some counter tile
that we can both agree on.

Nope!
See you later, mom.

No, you can't.

Brendon: yes, I can.

Melissa: no, you can't.

I think I can.

I don't think you can.

Yes, I can, yic.

Nyc.

Yic.

Nyc.

If you doubt me,
I will grow stronger.

Brendon, you cannot win
a walk—a—thon.

Alright team, coach mcguirk
has to run a little errand
right now,

But uh, keep practicing
until I come back.

Where you going?

None of your business.

Uh, on second thought,
who wants to come

With coach mcguirk
to identify a body?

Anybody?

Anyway you know, i, I told him,
you know, a walk—a—thon,

Yeah, I'll do that.
You know, sure.

But a run—a—thon?
I wouldn't do a run—a—thon.

You want to see
an eight—year—old

Have a heart attack?

Hey uh, brendon, you have
a couple of bucks for gas

You want to kick in here?

Um, uh—...

Look, I'll get the gas,
but that's it.

Look, I'll get the soda,
but that's it.

Look, I'll get the bagels,
but that's it.

Look, I'll get the pants,
but that's it.

Hey, what is 15% of $39.50?

Just move the decimal,
brendon, and then add 15.

And what the hell are we doing?

I'm supposed to be at the morgue
identifying a body.

Well, he's not going
anywhere, coach.

Why?

Coach said to keep practicing.

I'm cold.

I'm always cold.

Me too.

I have a thyroid condition.

Is that true?

Second student: yeah.

That's cool.
I wish I had one.

Will you hold me?

First student: um——

'Cause I'm freezing.

Everybody's looking.

I don't care.

Everybody's looking
but I don't care either.

Let them look
'cause hugging is great.

I love to hug too.

Look everybody, we're hugging.

We don't care!

We're cold!

Oh, wow. Yuck.

It's weird seeing
a dead body, brendon,

And it's weird,
weird seeing it with you.

I kind of feel like I shouldn't
have brought you here,
you know.

I mean you are eight and—-

No, I'm cool.

Alright.

Brendon: I'm cool.

Just don't tell your mom that I
brought you to see a dead body,
okay.

Oh, yuck.

Wow.

Wow.

Hmm.

Man, is he ugly.

Brendon: coach,
do you know that guy?

Look, brendon,
you don't have to whisper.

He's dead.
I mean, look at him.

Yeah. Who is this?

It's my uncle pedro.
It's my dead uncle pedro.

Yeah.

Did he just wink?

Mcguirk: man, brendon,
that was weird, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Believe me, when you get older,
this is going to disturb you.

Right, not that I'm not
totally disturbed now.

Let me tell you something,
brendon, life is funny.

Didn't know the guy
at all, you know.

This is actually
the first time I met him.

Yeah, that's like when
some movie opens, brendon,

And closes in the same weekend
because they didn't
advertise enough, you know?

Yeah.

Then you hear the movie
was crappy anyway,

So, you didn't miss much, right?

Right.

But was it crappy?

You know, what I mean was it?
You don't know.

Right.

'Cause you didn't see it.

Right, huh.

I guess you're left trying
to figure it out is what
my point is.

Yeah, it's weird.
It just doesn't make sense.

Yeah, I guess a lot of stuff
doesn't make sense

After you've seen a dead body,
you know.

Hey, brendon, you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Mcguirk: man,
this movie is crappy.

Brendon: yeah,
you're telling me.

Hey brendon, I'm putting you
in charge of operation popcorn.

Aye, aye, captain.

What?

Oh, my god.
Oh, no.

What?

Oh man, I spent all the money.

Well, go pass the can around
and then bring back popcorn.

Alright, everyone put your
homeless money in the barrel.

Here you go, mr. Lynch.

Very good melissa.
Oh, that sounds like a lot.

It's about four dollars.

Fantastic.

Whoa there, brendon.

What did you just dump
into the barrel?

Um, nothing.

This isn't money.
Uh, these, these are rocks.

I'm, uh, I'm aware of that.

You gave the homeless
four rocks?

Actually three, three rocks.

But the homeless
don't need rocks.

What are they going to do
with extra rocks? Eat them?

No, brendon,
what they need is money.

Now didn't you collect
any money?

I um, I guess I didn't.

Oh, brendon.

I know, I mean—-

Brendon, it's, it's alright,
it's alright.

Some people are better
at collecting money than others.

But don't let that
discourage you.

I won't.

Look, here's,
here's ten dollars.

I'll just put ten dollars
in the barrel.

This will start you off, okay?

Now let's, let's see
if we can't

Collect more money
for tomorrow, okay?

Yep, okay.

Okay.

Okay, that goes
for all of you, class.

Uh, we need more money here,
more money,

So I can beat
those fifth graders.

'Cause we want to beat who?

Class: the homeless.

No, the fifth graders.
Come on.

Class: fifth graders.

And who are we putting money
in the barrel for?

Class: you.

Who do we, no, no, no.
The homeless, everyone.

Who do we like?

Class: homeless.

Okay, just the ladies.

Girls: homeless.

Yes.

Brendon, you feel like doing
a role playing game?

Oh, no, I'd rather
just do nothing.

Well, in this one,
you'll be my boss.

Um, okay if I film it?

Oh, the camera makes me nervous.

Oh come on, mom.

Look, look we'll watch the tape
and we'll critique
your performance.

Okay, just let me change
into something else.

Mom.

Where's my boa?

I actually have that downstairs.

Okay, this will have to do.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, um, alright.
Wait, what's your boss' name?

His name is arnold lindenson.

Ooh, ouch.

Okay give me a second
to get into character
of arnold lindenson.

Okay.

Okay, I got it.

Ready?

Thank you for seeing me,
mr. Lindenson.

Call me arnie, please.

Okay, arnie.

I changed my mind.
Call me mr. Lindenson.

Now, why am I here
seeing you right now here
in this office here?

I wanted to talk to you about my
current financial payment area.

Whoa, wait a minute,
you're going to say that?

I'm going to clean it up
a little bit, brendon.

Well, let's try it again.

Okay.

Alright.
Um, now then why are you here?

Because I'd like
my raise now, please.

That's weird, more confidence.

Okay.

Okay.

Mr. Lindenson,
I'm asking you for a raise.

Good. How much would you,
would you like?

Twenty percent.

Ha, done.
Put her there.

Mr. Lindenson, thank you.

Now get out of here, you goose.

Thank you, mr. Lindenson.

Alright, cut.

Okay, how'd I do?

Um, well, it needs work.

But, you know what you got
going for you?

Brendon: it's called
"the pity factor."

Uh—huh.

And I felt sorry for you,
and I just wanted you
to have that raise.

So, that was good?

Yeah, that was good.
How did I do?

Uh, not so good.

You know,
maybe I should meet him

So I can do a better job
imitating him.

You don't want
to meet him, brendon.

Oh, why don't
I want to meet him?

Well, he has this
weird energy about him.

Cool.

Juliet, juliet, juliet?
Are you there?

Okay, I have
several instructions.

First, I'm leaving for the day.

I have one instruction,
I'm leaving for the day.

Okay, here's what I'm doing.
I'm leaving for the day.

Okay, I want you to clean
this place, alright?

I want you to clean it.

Not so much spic and span——
more span, okay.

Here's the system,
if yes, then don't answer.

It's a system, or it could also
be referred to as a "code,"
okay?

Do you understand the system?

Nothing if yes.
We'll start the system now.

What? Hello, you didn't just,
right now, just say anything
did you?

Because I was talking a lot,
so maybe I didn't hear
what you said.

If yes, say nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing is what
I'm hearing, juliet.

Is that a "yes" juliet?

Juliet: no.

What did we say "no" meant?

Uh oh, uh, uh oh!
Keys in car.

Oh no, oh!

Wah hah, biker!

Uh, hey, coach.
Uh, hi.

Uh, I'm uh, wondering
if I could possibly

Be reimbursed for that little
road trip we took the other day.

Brendon, where's the fire?

I told you you're going
to get it, right?

Well, yeah, I know,
but I could get in trouble here
so, you know.

So brendon, what are you,
the mob, huh?

Brendon: no.

Are you the collector?

No I'm not.

Mcguirk: are you the irs?

Mcguirk: are you the tax man?

No, can I please have my money?

Give me some space here,
brendon, alright?

Well, I'm just, you know,
it's been a few days, so.

Well, I happen to be
in a cash crunch right now.

Aren't we all.

What? Do you think
I get paid well for this job?

I don't want to answer that.

Mcguirk: the point is I don't.

Okay. Well, um—...

I'm on a teacher's salary here,
brendon, and I guess

The government has decided
not to pay teachers well.

Yeah.

'Cause they're doing the most
important job in the country.

Right.
We can do this all day,

But I'm, I'm in danger
of getting in trouble

And you know, it's just——
oh man.

Hey, you know what?

Brendon: what?

I'm supposed to go to a will
reading for my dead uncle,
the guy you met.

What?
Uncle pedro?

Yeah, remember I introduced you?

Yeah.

That's right.

So, you know, I'm sure
there's some cash coming my way.

If you'd like to come,
you could probably collect.

Brendon: hmm.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I think so.

Both: road trip!

Well, um, first of all,
of course, my condolences.

Right on, man.

Yeah, um, and this is your son?

What? Oh, him?

Me?

Yes.

No, I don't think so,
not uh, not this guy.

If this was my son,
I'd k*ll myself.

I'd k*ll him, too.

Alright, shut up, brendon.

You shut up.

Okay then.

Okay.

Alright.

So, let's get this started.

Lawyer: yeah.

Brendon, let him handle it.

Hey, look, I need the money.

Well, uh, okay.

Okay.

Um, let me get
right to business here.

I don't know if you knew this
about your uncle,

He was a very
successful sausagier.

That's uh, you know, one,
one who um, makes sausages.

Wow, I thought what I did
was embarrassing.

And uh, he did make
a very comfortable living.

He, in fact,
mentioned in his will,

Uh, that he wanted to give you
the family business.

Oh yeah?

Uh, though he reconsidered,
he did however leave you

Something that was very,
very dear to him,

Something that he had hoped
you would um, cherish as much
as he did.

Uh, here it is.

His last remaining sausage.

Lawyer: enjoy.

That's it?

Lawyer: that's it.

A frozen sausage?

Mm—hmm.

What about money?

Uh, afraid not.

Well, give me some money.

I, i—...

That's why I came here.

I'm sorry that's uh,
you're looking at it.

He left me a frozen sausage.
That's what you're telling me?

It's a frozen sausage.

So—...

So, my secretary
will see you out.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, my life.

Sir, this is vintage sausage.
Take a look at it again.

No, I will not look at that.

Look, I'm doing you a favor.

Take the sausage
and get the hell out of here.

Just give me ten bucks.

Five dollars.

Seven.

Six dollars.

I ain't giving this for six.

Get the hell out of here.

Look at it.

Get out of here right now.

Lindenson: uh, send in
whoever is my next person
to see me please, juliet please.

Send them in please.

Hello. Oh, my god,
are you okay?

Fantastic.

Why? Because I'm covered
in bandages?

Well, yeah.

Now, what brings you here,
mrs. Small?

Well, I've been—...

Lindenson: huh?

I've been teaching here
for about three years now,
mr. Lindenson.

Huh?

Teaching here for about
three years now.

I'm afraid you're going
to have to speak up.

I was just saying—...

Lindenson: bring it up.

Mr. Lindenson.

Lock it, lock it down.

I've been teaching here
for about three years now,

And I think that
it's about time—...

Uh—huh.

That, well—...

Paula, please, don't belabor it.

Spare change? Spare change!

Not for me,
for a walk—a—thon thing.

Anybody want to donate to a
walk—a—thon thingy over here
we got—...

Hey, hey you!

Hi, there.

You're on my corner.
This is my corner.

Oh, no, no, it's not like that.

It must, it must look that way,

But you see, this is, uh,
for you, and uh, your people.

Thank you, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.

I certainly wish it were
that easy, sir, but no.

I have to walk some amount
of miles or something first,

So it's totally impossible,
but there is a number

On this can that you can call
if you'd like to complain.

Spit it out, paula.

I want a raise.

Come on, seriously,
why are you are really here?

Is the self defense class
next door getting to loud?

Well, actually it is,
but that's not why I'm here.

I'm here because I want a raise.

Oh, h*, h*, no.
You cannot have a raise.

Raise for you, not happening.
Not now, no way, I'm afraid not.

I'm frightened not.
No raise, yeah.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm more than sure.

How much were you going to
ask me for, if you don't mind?

Twenty percent.

Are you serious?

Twelve percent.

That's more like it.

Really?

If we were really
talking here, sure.

Ten percent?

Done.

Really?

No, I thought we
were just doing a thing.

Paula: oh, boy.

Like a raise shtick, like a
routine about getting a raise.

Ugh, okay, this is,
this is not great.

Hey, come on.

Look, I'll tell what
I'm going to do, paula. Paula?

Paula: mm—hmm.

I'm going to tell you
what I'm going to do,

And then I probably won't do it.

I'm going to talk
to the rest of the board.

I'm not even familiar
with the board,

But I'm going to talk to them,
and I'm going to see

What I can do about
the volume problem

With the self defense class
next door.

Now, what do you think
of that, huh?

How do I look, father?

Oh son, not so good.

You were crushed
by this wall here.

I'm, I'm afraid you only have
a few more minutes to live.

Well, that sucks, father.

Yes, it does,
my little lamb of god.

Yes, it does.

I suppose you're here to give me
my last rites then, huh?

Yes.

Hold on then,
I'm trying to reach my wallet.

Oh no, my son,
last rites are free.

Since when?

Since always.

Let me give you something
at least.

No, it's really not necessary.

Please, let me just give—...

Well, anything you could spare
the church would be greatly
appreciated.

That wasn't too tough.

Is there anything, my son,
that you would like to confess

Before you die and go to hell?

What?

Heaven, sorry.

Oh, um—-

I'm offering you a chance
to be absolved of your sins.

How do I know you won't go
blabbing though?

Well, you sort of don't.

So, what are you saying?

What are you saying?

What are you saying?

What are you saying?

You know, forget it.
I'll confess.

Alright, hit me with it.
Chop, chop.

Well, I accidentally stole
some money once.

Oh dear.
From who?

From a charity.

You're kidding.

No, I'm afraid I did.

I was young, naïve,
I really didn't know.

Hey, everybody!

Whoa.

Guess what?

What are you doing?

This guy steals from charities.

You know, please don't—-

I know!

Please don't do that.

I couldn't believe it either.

Please don't do that.

It's never,
we never got one like that.

Hey, please.

Alright, I'll check you later.

Thank you.

Man, no wonder
a wall fell on you.

That's bad karma.

Wait, hold on, priests
don't believe in karma.

Wait, what are you catholic?

Actually I'm, um, jewish.

But I thought you were a priest.

Yeah, I do get that a lot.

Yeah, but you're dressed
like a priest.

Yeah, it's laundry day.
I'm down to my priest outfit.

Look buddy, I got to split.

I hope everything goes well with
the wall slowly crushing you.

Group chanting:
eyes, nose, crotch.

To understand what you're
trying to say in your
writing assignments—-

Group chanting:
eyes, nose, crotch.

Okay, you can go on thinking
the words are spelled
the way you think,

But people like me
will be able to understand.

Look, paula, I want to apologize
about how I feel like I came
across the other day.

Don't bother, it's okay.

No, no, no, I think I might have
been a little discouraging,

When I didn't mean to be.

See, I was feeling
a little irritable

Because I was and still am
in a great deal of pain, paula.

I hear that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Mm—hmm.

But I have been thinking about
what you said.

You mean about my raise?

What raise?

I asked you for a raise
the other day.

Lindenson: what did I say?

You laughed and said "no."

That sounds like something
I'd do, absolutely.

That's me up and down the line.

But no, paula.

I've been thinking about
the other thing you said.

You don't remember
the volume problem

With the self defense class?

Right.

And I'm afraid that I couldn't
do anything for you,
and I'm sorry.

Yep, you heard me.
I'm sorry.

I am sorry,
and I am sorry about that,

But I would like
to make it up to you.

Do you like italian food?

Yes.

Lindenson: here, take this.

I couldn't finish my lunch,
but it's pasta or something

And it's still warm.

What are you talking about,
mr. Lindenson?

Take it, paula, please.
It would make me feel better.

Whatever you say, mr. Lindenson.

I'm going to be honest
with you, paula.

It's really not my pasta.

Uh—huh.

I think it's hospital food.

Hmm, aww.

Hey brendon, brendon,
wake up, my little lemon cake.

I brought you some breakfast.

Brendon?

Thanks, mom.

Oh boy.
Hey, this is great.

What time is it?

Oh my god, I missed
the walk—a—thon!

That no good little
walk—a—thon skipper
son of a g*n,

That little red—head
smart aleck,

That little red school house,

That little wop bop a lou bop
a lop bam boom,

That little tutti frutti!

That little,
hey, I got my quarter back.

Paula: I guess the kitchen
isn't going to be remodeled
anytime soon, brendon.

We hardly use the kitchen
anyway.

Mom, don't exactly answer
right now,

But I have a little proposition.

Oh my god, what a crappy movie—-

The weird old fool dies
and leaves me a sausage?

Not money, a sausage.

'Cause money is something
I could use.

I have to eat this repugnant
sausage because I have no food.

This sausage is probably
18 years old.

This thing could vote.

This thing could go to w*r
and die for its country.

Oh, my sweet heaven.
That is, it's incredible!

Hey, save some for me.