02x13 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

I don't know, brendon,
uh, I know

These were your idea,
but, uh—...

I think I know what
you're gonna say.

Yeah.

Looks more like I'm going
to my prom than my wedding.

Uh, so you're thinking the
green ones with the big ties,

Those are better?

Andrew:
you know what,
those were great.

Yeah.

But let's try some other ones.

Okay.

Hey, have you been
rolling around naked

In poison ivy or something?

Um, probably.
Why?

'Cause there's an alarming
red blotch on your back.

Oh, that——no.

I call that the crab.

The crab.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, let's go
to the doctor now.

Now.

It's just——i call it
the crab 'cause it looks

Like a crab on my back.

Look.

Um—hum.

That's great.

Well, I guess I won't
worry about it then.

Great.

This sucks, I look
like a magician.

Oh, you look good.

No, I look
like a magician.

No way, you look a waiter
at a restaurant

That has no child labor laws.

Yeah.

You know what, this is
the——i think this is

The best we're gonna do.

There you are.

Aarrgh.

Sorry.

Don't you know how to knock?

It's a curtain.

Why don't you take a picture,
it will last longer.

Brendon: thanks.

Brendon.

Yeah.

Your playing was bad today.

Thank you.

Mcguirk: really bad.

Thank you.

I want you to know that.

Yeah.

And you're probably
not gonna get better.

I also want you to know that.

Well, I appreciate
your frankness.

But I didn't want to
overexert myself today, coach.

Coach mcguirk:
why is that?

'Cause I got a rash.

You do?

Brendon: yes, I do.

Where is that rash?

It's on my back.

You want to see?

Sure.

Brendon: here you go.

It's not really
a rash, brendon.

Yeah, it is.

Trust me in the world of rashes,
that is not a rash.

You want to know
what a real rash is?

No.

I'll tell you.

You get a rash somewhere
on your body,

It hurts so bad
that you go blind.

That's how bad it is.

You blow up like a balloon.

Brendon: right.

Look like a circus freak.

You know what I'm talking about?

I——no.

Next think you know,
you're in the circus, touring,

Making good money.

You know my life.

You're coaching, I think i—...

But in conclusion, brendon,
rashes come from bad hygiene.

Mcguirk: all right.

So what you got to do—-

Yeah?

Mcguirk:
——whenever you go to
a public restroom,

You sit on a toilet seat, put
the toilet seat cover down.

Brendon: yeah.

If they don't have them there,
manufacture one

Out of toilet paper or
your shirt or your socks.

Anything to cover the seat.

Yeah.

Coach, that's my ride.

What? Who?

My mom and her friend
are picking me up.

I should say hi
to your mom and tell her

How bad you played.

That's all right.

You ready to go.

Hello, little brendon.

Remember me?

Yeah.

Stephanie is in town
for the wedding, brendon.

Yeah.

How——how are ya——you?

Good. Man, I'm great.

Oh, it's so good to see
you again, little b.

Um, hello.

I'm coach mcguirk.

Hi, paula.

Hi.

Ahem.

This is coach mcguirk.

Coach mcguirk, stephanie.

Well pleased to meet
you, stephanie.

The pleasure is all mine.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

My, look at you.

You're a big fella.

Uh—huh.

Are you a body builder or—-

Oh, no, no.
Just a big fella.

Just blessed with bigness.

So are you visiting?

Are you—...

Well, I'm in town
for the next few days,

So I'll be around here
for the next few days,

You know, at the smalls.

Well, that's convenient
'cause I live here in—...

Well, we should get going.

He seemed nice,
didn't he?

Sure, if you're——sure.

Yeah, he's harmless.

He's big and athletic.

And he's—...

Mom, that reminds me, uh,
I invited coach mcguirk

To dad's wedding.
I don't—...

Brendon, you can't just
invite people to the wedding.

Why not?

Well, because it's not like
a birthday party or something.

I mean, it's expensive.

But I already told him.

Well, you'll have to explain
to him that you didn't know.

Well, that's embarrassing
for me.

Well, that's too bad.

Well, it's still two—...

Well, I think it's great
to have him come to the wedding.

See mom, stephanie thinks
it would be a good idea.

Brendon.

I'm just
saying.

Stephanie, you think
it's a good idea, right?

Yes.
See.

I mean, he really seemed nice.
See.

I mean, he seemed—...

Guys. Guys.

Paula: brendon.

What?

Paula: tell him.

Okay.
All right.

Pardon me, are you
the dragon masteress.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I wonder if you could
give me directions.

Where are you going?

To the splendid eternal
unitement of the fairy princess

And the m'lady of flowers.

That's weird.

That's where I'm going.

You can come with me
on my dragon.

He's my friend and I own him.

That's a good deal.

Yeah, it is.

But before I let you
ride my dragon,

My magical dragon who I own,
I must know, who are you?

Oh, I am elflord,
the land stander.

Are you magical?

Mmmmm, kind of.

I'm not as magical as much
as I am a land stander.

Which is?

I stand on land.

Oh, I guess anybody
could be one of those.

Well, I'm——yeah.

Yeah, well, let me
summon my dragon.

My beloved friend and sl*ve.

Sounds like a
complicated relationship.

Not for me.

Dragon, come now, dragon.

Attack.

Call off your dragon.

Call him off.

In a moment.

Call him off.

Okay.
Dragon stop.

Why did you attack me, dragon?

Why, I need a reason?

I don't know.

Sometimes I just
attack somebody.

It's not you, pal, it's me.

So friend of the
bride or the groom?

The groom.

Bride.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay, okay.

Cut.
Cut.

I've got to get
the phone.

Hello.

Hello.

Who's this?
Paula?

Uh, no.

Who's this?

This is arnold lindenson.

Who's this?

This is brendon.

This is her son.

Uh, come on.

Don't lie to me.

Who is this?

Is this her daughter?

This is brendon.

Are you her daughter?

This is brendon, her son.

Hello, deary.

Hi, um—-

Well, anyway, is
your mother home?

No, she's busy.

I'm kind of in a rush,
so can I take a message?

Tell your mother
to call me asap.

Brendon: um—hum.

It's imperative that
I talk to her asap

Or as close to asap as she can.

That would be "actasap."

Have her call me actasap.

Okay.

Or whenever she
gets a free minute.

Mm—hmm.

Which would be "wsgafm."

Thank you, young lady.

Sorry, guys, shall we just
pick up where we left off?

I may go casual, you know,
nothing too fancy.

Yeah, I don't think you
have to dress up nice

For a second marriage.

Melissa:
yeah, it doesn't matter.

First marriage, yeah.

Second marriage, no.

Hey brendon, what are you
wearing to the wedding?

Uh, I'm wearing a tux... Edo.

Ooh, fancy.

Wow.

Thank you, but, uh,
actually I need to talk

To you guys about the wedding.

The thing is, I invited you
guys without asking first

To see if it was all right
to invite you guys.

What are you trying
to say, brendon?

You're not uninviting us,
are you brendon?

No.

No, I'm not.

You guys are definitely
coming, right?

I mean that's final, you know.

Brendon?

Brendon: yeah.

There's something
on your neck.

Uh, jason, I said you're coming.

There's no need
to try to scare me.

Ooh, brendon, there is
something on your neck.

Some kind of
creeping crud stuff.

Oh, you guys mean this.

Oh no, this is——
this is nothing.

It's a rash or something.

Maybe it's the mange.

What's that?

It's a disease
that wild dogs get.

I don't think it's mange.

Maybe it's the creepy crud.

It looks like creepy crud.

Guys, it's just
the creepy crud,

Don't worry about it.

It's no big deal.

Well, don't pick at it.

I'm not picking.

Melissa: jason?

It could be a
diaper rash, brendon.

On his neck?

I've seen it in
stranger places, melissa.

Like where?

Like my butt.

Melissa:
did somebody put their
butt on your neck?

Did a baby put its
butt on your neck?

Not that I know off.

Jason:
are you sure, brendon?

Maybe when you were sleeping.

Paula:
linda, really, I insist.

I will totally take
care of the flowers.

Mom.

Glad to do it.

Mom.

I have a friend
in the business.

Not really a friend,
an acquaintance, sort of.

But this will work out fine.

Mom.

It will be——hold——hold
on a second, linda.

What is it, brendon?

Uhhhhhhhhhh—...

Can it wait?

I don't remember.

We'll talk later, okay?

Linda?

Mom?

Hi, sorry.

So tell me—...

Mom?

Yes, brendon.

Uhhhhhhhhh—...

Coach mcguirk:
the hell I'm not
going, brendon.

I was told that it
was supposed to be

A small intimate event.

So? I'm going.

Too late, you
already invited me.

That stephanie girl
is going, right?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

I'm disinviting you
to the wedding.

I'm sorry, but that is final.

Did she say
anything about me?

You can't——yes.

She——she won't shut up
about you and I hate it.

See, this girl's
a sure thing.

You know what
that means, brendon?

I have a pretty good idea.

Well, I don't know if you do.

Well, let me explain.

Some girls are
really easy going.

You're not going.

You're not going.

Yes, I am, brendon.

No, you can't come.

Yes, I can, brendon.

No.
Absolutely not.

Absolutely not!

Brendon, I'm going!

No, you are not!

Yes, I am!

You cannot come!

I'm going!

No, you're not!

I am.

No, you're not!

Am!

The ceremony is at one.

Guests should arrive at 12:30.

Ah, good.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

So big day.

How you feeling?

Nervous?

A little bit.

Linda said you had
something for her.

Oh, right, right, right.

Come in.

Uh, so disgusting.

Maybe if I put a little——
oh, that's gross.

I'm gross!

Andrew, you remember
stephanie, right?

Oh, yeah,
stephanie wright.

No, it's stephanie—...

I'm kidding.

Oh, you.

Well, yeah, you know.

Listen, we have to go, okay?

I have to stop at the store.

This is the perfume
linda wanted.

Okay.
Got it.

This is the something borrowed.

Right.

And I'm stopping to pick
up something blue.

I'm thinking about mouthwash.

Great.

Listen, can I use
your bathroom now?

I just——i've been
going all morning.

It's nerves.

Remember our wedding.

No, it's not nerves.

It's just that my thing—-
my bladder thing.

Right.

I have too much urine
in my bladder.

Okay.

Well, we'll see you
there, all right.

Bye.

Mom, dad?

Dad, dad, dad?

Mom, dad, mom, dad?

Mom.

Uh—oh.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, my.

What is——what is
that on your face?

That's a rash.

Lindenson:
you've got something
on your face, you know.

I know.

Face is covered with
some kind of a—...

I got a rash.

Do you know who I am?

Do you remember me?

No.

I'm mr. Lindenson——lindenson.

Yeah.

Did you remember to give
your mother my message asap?

Not yet, no.

But i—...

I said asap.

I'm gonna tell her soon.

What is going on with your face?

It's a rash.

Are you allergic
to something?

Do you have—...

I don't know.

Don't touch me.

I'm not.

I'm allergic to people
with allergies.

Where's your mother?

Is your mother home?

No.

She went to a wedding.

My father is getting married.

Didn't they invite you?

Yes, i—-

You're part of the family.

I know.

That seems odd.

Maybe they're scared
of your rash.

No.

I'm supposed to carry the ring,
but they left without me.

Hey, do you want
to go to the wedding?

Are you inviting me?

If you drive me.

I'm in.

That wasn't too hard.

Well I'm——i don't have
a lot on my plate today.

I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know what could have——
I mean I asked for flowers.

I mean, obviously they
misunderstood me.

Obviously.

Yeah.

Okay.

Um, everything's all set.

But they double booked.

Andrew, we can't have
a wedding and a funeral

Go on at the same time.

No, no, no.

We don't have to.

We don't have to.

They're gonna
let us go first.

Oh, thank god.

Andrew:
little caveat,
they won't move the casket.

It's bad luck.

Bad luck?

They're already dead.

Well, it's bad luck
for the family.

But don't worry.

Andrew, I cannot get married
in front of a casket.

You know about my phobia.

No, it's okay.

There's a bright side to this.

It's a great story to tell
the divorce lawyer later.

Your mother's
a wonderful teacher.

Then why did you fire her?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't make me the bad guy.

I may be the bad guy, but
don't make me the bad guy.

So, do you want to be a
teacher when you grow up?

Follow in your
mother's footsteps?

No.

Good.

It's a thankless job.

I want to be a filmmaker.

Oh, really.

Yes.

A filmmaker.

Wow.

That's interesting because
I happen to dabble in acting.

Did you ever see
"death of a salesman?"

"Death of a salesman."

Are you kidding?

No.

I played biff.

Is that a game?

Would you like
to hear a scene?

Uh—...

Good.

Hey, pop, didn't
you see my sneakers?

Would it k*ll anybody to tell
me where my sneakers went?

Yeah, that's a—...

The salesman is dead.

The end.

Hey, let's take it
again from the top.

The church, we just
passed the wedding.

Perry?

Yeah?

I like weddings.

Me, too.

Who are you going
to marry, perry?

You.

Well, walter, you know...

We're not getting
any younger.

Oh, my god.

Stop.

I think I know what
you're gonna say.

You do?

The answer is yes,
perry.

Yay!

Perry.

Yeah.

You've made me the happiest
person in the world.

Me, too.

Oh, my god.

I can't believe
I'm getting married.

Oh, my god. Me, too.

Oh, my god.

Perry, perry.

Yeah?

Don't ever leave me.

I won't.

Hey perry, I'm getting
nervous about this.

Don't be.

Why are you so scared?

'Cause it's a big step, perry.

But I think we're ready.

Are we?

Yeah.

You know why?

Perry:
because I can feel
it in here.

What are you pointing to?

Walter, we should get
married in a big church.

And you, um, perry?

Yeah?

You'll lift me up and lift
me over the threshold.

Perry: okay.

Get on——get on my back.

This is how we'll do it.

Walter:
that's not how we do it.

Perry: get on.
This is how we'll do it.

No.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

This is piggy back, perry.

Maybe this won't
work out.

Pick me up the other way.

Like this?

Yeah.

That doesn't seem right.

Now cross me
over the threshold.

Okay.

But you're head's gonna
bump into my knees.

It's pretend, perry.

I don't know how much
longer I can hold you.

Maybe if we laid down like this.

Walter:
perry, you're
squishing my head.

Perry: I'm sorry.

Here, I'll lift you
up a little higher.

Walter:
just get me over
the threshold, perry.

Perry: 'cause your head—-

Walter: perry, I want

To go over
the threshold now.

Perry:
it's hard for me to talk.

Walter: perry, all the blood
is rushing to my head.

Perry; I can barely see.

Walter: perry, put me down.

Perry: okay.

That was fun.

That's——everyday it will be
like that when we get married.

It's true.

Well, hello there, beautiful.

Hi, yourself, cowboy.

Um, you smell nice.

Thanks, deodorant.

But enough about my smells.

Let's talk about
you, angel face.

Well, it just so happens that
angel face got a room here.

Care to check out
the architecture?

Well, let me grab
my blue prints.

Good, we'll survey
the landscape.

Yeah.

And then we'll cut the lawn.

Well, well, well.

What a small world.

Paula small.

Mr. Lindenson.

What are you doing here?

Your son invited me.

Lindenson:
paula, we have to talk.

Where is brendon?

He went to the bathroom.

Poor little fella.

Is now a good time
for a dialogue?

No.

Hey, we're ready to go.

Where's brendon?

Brendon's in the bathroom.

This is my old boss,
mr. Lindenson.

Paula.

Uh—huh.

I'm not your old boss anymore.

I'm your new old boss.

What?

I'm excited, can you tell?

Yeah.

I'll bring it down a notch.

Paula, I've come here on the day
of your ex—husband's wedding—...

Thanks for reminding.

To offer you
your old job back.

Congratulations.

What?

Yes.

You heard me.

Who couldn't hear me?

Oh, my god.

Wow.

That's great.

Thank you.

Easy.

Take it easy.

Brendon, come on out.

You cannot stay
in there forever.

Brendon: yes, I can.

I'm a monster!

I'm a monster.

I think you might
be overreacting.

Brendon: oh, no.
This is some ugly stuff.

Brendon.

Brendon: what?

It's jason.

Brendon: what do you want?

Um, I had a thought.

Maybe you're turning
into a werewolf,

Is that possible?

Brendon:
jason, don't even
joke about that.

Brendon, I'm not joking.

Do you have any hair growing
on the back of your hands?

Brendon: no.

Brendon, it's jason again.

Do you have any hair
on your chest?

Brendon: give me a second.

Check your chest.

Brendon: melissa, put jason
on the door.

He's here.

We're both here.

I'm right here, brendon.

Brendon: okay. No.

There's no hair
on the chest.

Okay.
Brendon.

Brendon: what?

Do you have any
hair on your head?

Brendon: yes, I do.

Oh, my god.

Brendon: yes, I do.

Just as I feared.

Melissa, get the garlic.

That's for vampires.

Brendon, don't listen to jason.

Come out here.

It can't be that bad.

Melissa:
we're here for you.

Brendon: I don't want
to come outside.

Come on.

It's me.

It's melissa and jason.

Yeah, come on out, brendon.

Brendon: okay.

If I come out, you
promise not to freak out?

I don't want to promise.

Just promise.

I mean, you want
to see this, right?

Yeah.

We promise.

It's a nice room you got here.

Yeah, but you know
what's not so nice?

What's that?

My back's sore.

Oh, dear. Um—...

It looks fine.

It doesn't look that bad?

It looks, it looks fine.

Brendon: really?

But you know what?
Just in case, I have a plan.

My back, uh, used
to be sore actually.

A few years ago.

So welcome to the club.

The back—— the sore back club.

Yup, yup.

Well, see my shoulders
are so, so, so, so tense.

Um, then I had a hernia
once that was a mother.

You have any ideas to make
my back feel better?

Well, pills, that's what
I used, and alcohol.

Uh—huh.

And, um, you can't beat
a good night's sleep.

I'll tell you that.

Um, heating pad.

You have any other ideas?

I think the heating
pad was the best one.

Where is brendon?

Mr. Small, brendon
is right here.

Yo, mom and dad.
What's up?

Dad.

I think it's over, melissa.

What——what's going on?
Where is brendon?

I'm right here.

Melissa, forget it.
The jig is up.

I'm right here.

Paula: oh, my god.

Andrew: brendon?

Oh, my god. He's loose.

So what do your parents
do for a living?

They're retired.

That's the big payoff.

Uh—huh.

You know.

After a long life
of hard work.

Oh.

I certainly can't wait.

I'm getting cold.

Mcguirk: oof, um——

Brendon, honey.

Brendon: mom.

How are you feeling?

Brendon:
I had the weirdest dream.

I dreamt that I had a rash
and that I was ugly.

And you were there.

And so were you and that
guy was there, too.

I don't even know him.

Doesn't anybody believe me?

We all believe you, brendon.

It wasn't a dream.

Brendon: it wasn't?

No.

I was afraid of that.

Little boy, have you been
under some stress lately?

Uhhhhhhh—...

How is he?

Well, the doctor gave
him an antihistamine.

He'll probably sleep now.

Well, the minister left.

He left?

He said he couldn't wait
around any longer.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

All I wanted to do
was get married.

Hello, how are
all of you today?

I am your new minister
for this ceremony.

Okay.

I haven't done this recently
or not in the past,

But I assure that what
I am about to do

Is perfectly legal, safe,
and tax deductible.

All right. Who's ready?

Just let me refresh
my memory here.

"We are gathered here today——"
ha! Ha ha, I knew I'd get it.

Lindenson:
"to——" don't tell me.
I got it.

"To wed this couple."
You bet ya.

Lindenson: all right.

Now we're moving along
at a healthy clip.

Well, what should we do now?

Dear me, um, I think this
cowboy is gonna get going.

Um, thank you for having
me here, though.

And tell your parents
I said "hi,"

Congratulations on
their retirement.

I know it can be
a tough transition.

Bye.

This journey has been
the most amusing.

Yes, it has, land stander.

It's a shame that none of you
shared my cursed rash.

Would have been
nice to have traded

Some stories of rashes, eh?

But don't you
understand, land stander?

You brought that
curse on yourself.

You could have willed
it away at any time.

Well, nobody told me.

You needed to learn your lesson.

Aren't I right, my dragon
sl*ve, companion,

Life friend that I own
for eternity,

Who belongs to me
but is also my friend?

I think we need to have
a small chit—chat about it.

Shut up, dragon!!!

Sorry.

Sorry.

What were you gonna say?

Well——
silence!!!

It's just that
that's my point.

It's so strange that I
could have willed the—...

Shut up, land stander.
Shut up!

Just stand there.

Hey, why are you—...

Dragon, attack!

Attack!

I just want to stand on land.