03x01 - Shore Leave

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

Well, looky at us.

We're three sailors
on shore leave.

Yeah-a-roonie.

Arr! Feels good to be
off that rusty boat,

Eh, you stinkin' vermins?

Yes, sir.
Yes, arr.

What do you want
to do for fun, maties?

Uh, I'd like to do
some sketches of birdlings.

Oh, and I wouldn't mind
checking out some antique
furniture shops.

That'd be fun.
Yeah.

What a couple of
liver-lillied sissies.

I gots a better idea
what we can do. Arr!

Let's punch out some
scum suckers and get drunk

And pee out the window!

And then,
let's seduce women!

Lot's of women!

What window?

How's about I beats
the piss out of you? Arr!

Take that! And then that!
Can I talk to you
for a second, melissa?

Uh-huh.

Now you know you'll always be
my little baby girl, right?
Yeah.

No matter what.
Mm-hmm.

It's just that I'm afraid
I'm gonna blink

And you'll be a man
before I know it.
Dad.

Let me ask you this.
First of all, great movie.

Who did your stunts?
Me.

Did you remember
to wear a cup?
Dad.

Do you have any friends besides
brendon and jason?

Mm, I don't know.

Do you have any friends
that are girls?
No.

Any friends that are girls
about my age?

Dad.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Look, I guess what I'm saying
is that I used to be like you.

I went through a whole
gender-bending phase.

Dad!
Just hear me
out, please.

Okay.

I totally forgot
what I was about to say.

Dad.
Um, oh, about the
gender-bending thing. Right.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, I think it's
a healthy thing.

For me it was great, you know,
to get in touch with both sides
of who you are.

Remember when we had our bird
tested for gender?
Mm-hmm.

And we couldn't tell
the gender of the vet?

Dad, what are you
trying to say?

Have you heard of
the fairy princesses group?

Yeah, I think some of the girls
in school are members.

Um, I did some reading
and it seems like fun...

Hanging out with other kids
and doing things after school.

I think you're
too old for it.

Not me, honey, for you.
Any interest?

Mm, that's all right.
Let me put it
to you another way.

I've signed you up and now
you are a fairy princess.
I am?

Yup. So you're gonna
need to turn in your
jockstrap and your cup.

Both?

I can't believe
you're a fairy princess.

Yeah, so I'm gonna have
to miss some practice
and probably a few games.

So the whole weekend is off
for the movie too?
Yeah, sorry, brendon.

Well, melissa, I hope
you know this looks bad.

You're letting the team down
while you hang out with
a bunch of whiney babies

In stupid uniforms.

It's supposed to be fun.
Fun?

Yeah.
Bunch of girls playin'
hopscotch, skipping rope?

Ah, you may have a point.
But the real point is your
disappointment to the team.

Coach, it's just
a club for girls.

Well, why don't you
join then, brendon?

Because I'm not a girl.

Well, that's a laugh.
Hey, leave him alone, coach.

Why, what are you gonna do,
fairy princess?

Fly up and sprinkle dust on me?
Turn me into a little kitty-cat?

Can you do that?
Not yet.

Oh. You have to
carry a wand?

I gotta go. I'll see
you later, brendon.

Bye-bye.

Tell the fairy princesses
I said hi, melissa.

I will.

How 'bout that, brendon?

How 'bout that? Huh?
Yeah.

Let me tell you something
about women, brendon.
Yeah?

Woman are insane.
They're insane, all right?

You get 'em together
in a group and they go insane.

Or they turn into animals.

Yeah.
They eat their own.

Huh.
You know what I mean?

Yeah. Nope.

Brendon, we still on
for the weekend?

Fenton. Uh,
in regards to what?

You're spending the weekend
at my house making video films,
hanging out.

You said you'd get back to me.
Oh, I guess I'm still
mulling it over.

How much time do you need?
Come on already.

Fenton, I'm just trying to
piece together what I have
goin' on this weekend.

Me and melissa...
Melissa's gone all weekend!

You know that?
Yeah, brendon.

Oh. Well.

Brendon, uh, if you don't want
to spend the weekend with me,
just tell me.

It's not that. It's just that
we have no real reason to
not sleep at our own homes.

We have no reason?

How about
'cause we're friends?
Oh.

Brendon, this is
a one-time offer, okay?

Only good for this weekend.

I'll keep that in mind.
You and me! Hangin' out!

Video films! Havin' fun!
Horsin' around!
I guess I get the picture.

I'm gonna let you
think about it.
Okay.

You think about it,
huh, brendon? Huh?

Uh, yup.

Hey, who am i?
Yup.

I don't know. Me?

Yup.

I'm home!

I don't see why brendon can't
spend the weekend with fenton.

No, mom, no, no.
Hey, sweetie.

Actually, he usually sleeps
in his underpants,

But I can make sure
he brings his pajamas
with the little feet things.

Mom, no! Absolutely not.
I'm sorry?

Yeah, okay. Sounds great.
No, mom! No! No!

All right. See you later.
Bye-bye.

Oh, no.
Hi, honey.
How was your day?

No, mom, no.
I can't believe you.

You'll never guess
who that was.

All right. Walkie-talkie test.
Let's see if these babies work.

Can anybody hear me?

Yes.
Yes.

Can anybody hear me?
I repeat. Hear me?

Yes.
Yes.

Do you think jason knows
to take his thumb off the button
so he can hear us?

Whoops! Now can you hear me?
Can anybody hear me?

Yes, yes. Who said that?
Me.

Okay, who was that?
Okay, can anybody hear me?

No, I mean, yes.
Okay.

Guys, we need to keep
in touch this weekend

So we have to learn
to use these things.

Whoops! Hello?
Can you hear me now?

Yes. Whoops! Yes. Over.

Okay, I'm talking now.
Can you guys hear me?

Is that you, brendon.
No, it's melissa.

How are you?
Fine, but I'm not melissa.

Oh, who is this?
It's brendon.

Oh, hey, brendon. What's up?
I was just asking about you.

Who's talking right now?

I think it's melissa.
No, I think it's jason.

I think it's brendon.
Now it's melissa.

Now it's jason.
Now it's brendon.

Yes?
What?

Look, guys, we have to keep
in touch this weekend

Because melissa's
at the fairy princesses'
and I'm staying at fenton's

So leave the walkie-talkies on.
Leave them on.

Whoops! Can you guys
hear me now?

We can hear you, melissa.

Fairy princesses.

Hello, lady!

I want you to meet
our newest member
and a very pretty young girl.

Hello, melissa!

Hello, everybody.

Hello, melissa!

Hi.

Hello, melissa!

Yup.

Now, hey, who wants
to have some fun?

Yea.

Doctor, please help me.

I have no feeling on my...
Any parts of my body
but my face.

I'm not the doctor.
Yes, you are the doctor.

No, not anymore. Uh, now I'm
a guy with superhuman strength.

And I've come to carry you,
my paralyzed friend,
best friend.

My paralyzed best friend.

Upsy-daisy!
Don't.

I have superhuman strength
and I'm really handsome.

More handsome than you.
Okay, cut.

Um, why does your character have
to be more handsome than me?
I can also fly.

Okay, but what happened to
the doctor finding the cure
scenario?

It sucked.
Fine.

Okay. Ready?
Yes, but I'm also the president
and I'm really tall.

How tall?
6'4"!

6'4".
6'5"!

Okay. Uh,
are you ready?

Uh, yeah.
Action.

Hi.
Hi!

Cut.

Not bad.
It's good!

I have to say, it's kind of nice
hanging out with a neighbor,

Having a cup of coffee,
no kids around.

Sure is.
Let me ask you
something, paula.

Do you ever get worried
about brendon growing up

Without a male role model
in his life?

Nah.
You know, it's funny how kids
are affected in ways

That are so subtle
that we don't even know.

How do you know that?
I don't know.
We don't know.

Okay, slow down there, erik.

You know what?
It's the coffee.
Yeah.

I haven't had coffee
like this since the '60s.

Mom! Me and brendon made
a movie and I'm the hero!
It's really good!

We're gonna show it right after
dinner, right, brendon?

Oh, it's not ready.

It's not very good yet.
Not good?

Are you kidding me?
It's great!

Mom, I'm the hero! I look
really good on video film!

Right, bren-bren?
Can you pass the, uh...

I guess I'm not seeing
anything. Never mind.

Do you like your food, brendon?

Mmm. Yes.
Yes, I do.

You sure don't look like you
like it! You haven't really
even touched anything!

I don't think he likes it, mom.

I like it. I like it.
See? Mmm.

What exactly do you
call this dish?

Rice!

Yeah, but what's
the flavoring?

It's rice flavored.

Well, I guess that's what
I thought I was tasting.

Yup.

Settle down,
my little fairy princesses.

It's time for the fairy
sales princess meeting.

Sales meeting?

Yes, my little fairy princess.

But I don't...
Sit back and relax,
everyone.

Please direct your attention
to the monitor.

Welcome, my little fairy
princesses, to the fpc,

The fairy princess corporation.

If you're watching this,
then congratulations.
You are a fairy princess.

That means that you are pretty
and little and sweet.

But that also means that you're
responsible for productivity.

What the crap?

Sales productivity!

I know what you're saying.

Well, I'll tell you
what you'll be selling.

The fpc collection
including the fpc fairy
hair princess kit,

The fairy-brella,
a lightweight,
fully functional umbrella,

And finally, our big seller,
the fpc fairy-cloth.

A beautiful, multi-colored
tablecloth.

Well, girls,

Are we getting excited yet?

Good, because tomorrow
you're going out and selling
your little fairy hearts out.

Yeah!

And remember,
plain-clothed fpc members

Will be phantom shopping
and monitoring
your productivity.

And we stand by our
"three strikes, you're out"
bad sales punishment technique.

Talk the talk, little fairies,
and good luck!

G-g-g-good-bye!

Okay, my turn.
I roll.

I get a nine!

I think you got a seven.
Oop, now we'll never know.

I got a nine.
I win again.
Big surprise.

That's 14 games to zero.
I'm really beating you.

At least you don't gloat.
Let's play again.

Let's not. Let's watch tv
or something.
Yeah, right.

No tv, mom says.
What?

Okay, let's do something
fun with our hair.
What?

Boys, it's 6:30.
Time for bed.

What?
Come on, bren-bren.
Let's put on our pajamas.

What?

Melissa, before we go out
and sell tomorrow,

We're gonna work on
a couple sales exercises.

Okay.
All right. Sell me
the fpc fairy-cloth.

Okay.

Would you like to buy
an fpc fairy-cloth?

No, I wouldn't.
Okay.

No, melissa.

We don't take no
for an answer, all right?

Don't let me say no,
understand?

Let's try again.
Okay.

Are you ready?

Yes. Excuse me. Would you like
to buy a fairy-cloth?

No.
Please.

Absolutely not.
Why not?

Because I don't like them
and I don't need them.

I don't have time for your
nonsense. Now leave me alone.

Okay.

No, melissa.

You took no for an answer.

That's twice you did that.
That was wrong.

But you told me
to leave you alone.

Never listen to someone
when they tell you to leave
them alone, understand?

I guess so.
Let's try again.

Would you like
to buy a fairy-cloth?

No. Go away. I don't
like you very much.

A fairy-cloth would make
a good gift for a loved one.

Well, I don't have any
loved ones. I live alone.

You do?
Yes.

But what about
your family?

They're dead.
I'm sorry.

Well, it's not your fault.
People die.

I shouldn't have
brought it up.

No. It's nice that you
brought it up.

Would a fairy-cloth
make you feel better?

No. You leave me alone
or I'll call the police,
you little goblin.

Okay.
No, melissa.
You took no for an answer.

But you said you were
gonna call the police.

So?
So it's the police.

So what's the police gonna do?
Hmm? Arrest you?

I don't know.

How old are you?
Eight.

Well, they're not
gonna ever touch you.

Let's try it again.
And where's the smile?
I want the smile.

There it is.

Would you like to buy...
No.

Guys, can you hear me?

The food's bad! It's 6:30.
She's putting me to sleep!

Can you hear me?

This is jason. I can't come
to the walkie-talkie right now.

If you'd like to leave
a message, please do so
after all the beeps.

Jason?
Beep!

Beep! Beep!

♪♪

♪♪

Got enough room?
I don't know.

It's extra warmy-warm
in here, isn't it?
I don't know.

Bren-bren,
did you mean it when you said
I look good on video film?

I have no recollection of saying
that. Are these plastic sheets?

Yes. Because I think I have
a really good look, don't you?

Sure. Hey, can we turn these
lights off or dim them...

No!

Okay.
Light's on!

Well, I tried.
Lower your voice, brendon.

We don't want
to get in trouble!
Lower my voice?

Quiet!

Bren-bren, you know
what's great?
No.

You and me.
Oh.

Right now. Right here.
And this is just the beginning.

I think we're gonna be friends
for a long time. Forever!

I mean, we understand the little
things like video films and
board games and video films.

Good morning!
Time to wake up!

No.
Wake up, brendon!

No.
c*ck-a-doodle-doo!

Time to do the chores.
Why are you doing this to me?

Huh?

What time is it?
It's 5:30.

Wake up, fairy princesses!

Wake up!
Today we sell!

Get up, you little
fairy princesses!

Get up before I get you up!

Excuse me, ma'am. Sir, would you
like to buy a fairy-cloth?

Please?

Miss, would you like
to buy a fairy...

Please, somebody buy
one of these things.

Somebody help me out.

Buy a fairy-cloth. Please.

Melissa?
Coach?

What are you wearing?

It's my uniform.
Yikes.
What are you doin' here?

You shouldn't be in a mall
by yourself in that outfit.
I'm not alone.

Uh, what are you talkin' about?

There are people watching me.
Please buy something.

What kind of people?
Excuse me, sir.

Would you like
to buy a fairy-cloth?

You talkin' to me?
Please buy something, coach.

I'm not gonna play
your game, melissa.

But I'll tell you something.
I told you so.

Chalk that up in
the "I told you so" department.

But, coach, I never
wanted to do this.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Cry me a river.
I was right and you were wrong.

Now you're miserable
and that's good.

Why am I so satisfied
about that?

Coach, please.

What do you want me
to do, melissa?

You want me to buy all
your stupid fairy princess
merchandise?

Is that what you want?

Yeah. It would really
help me out.

What do you got?

Umbrellas and fairy
princess cloths.

Give me those wings.
I'm not allowed to take
them off. I'll get in trouble.

What? Coach wants to wear 'em.
Coach wants to fly away.

Are you drunk?
Yeah, that's why
I came to the mall.

Oh, did we have a game today?

Yeah. We lost.
Thanks a lot, by the way.

Coach, my dad signed
me up, not me.

Pardon me if I don't
believe you, melissa.

Now you made your bed.
Now you go sleep on it.
You mean sleep in it?

Sleep on it, melissa.

And you tell the fairies
I said go to hell.

Coach, please!
Where they belong!

Coach.
Hey.

Where's the food court?

Top floor.

I gotta get some
spare ribs in me.

Jason. Come in, jason.

This is jason. Over.

Jason, it's melissa.
I need help. Over.

Roger that, melissa.
I'm your man.

Brendon,
it sure is raining, huh?
Shut up.

I think we're almost finished.
Too bad.

Oh, boy!
Rice again.

You're the dirty villain
and I'm the hero and you suck.
Yup.

You're really stupid
and I'm really smart, okay?
Okay. Sounds good.

You're fat and have bad skin and
I'm thin and have small pores.

Mm-hmm.

And let's see. Um...

And you're wonderful.
Yeah, and you're horrible!

Horrible. Your sales today
were horrible.
I know.

Did you even try, melissa?
I don't know.

Well, I'll tell you. Compared to
the other fairy princesses,
you're not very good.

Okay.
And I want us to work
on this together, okay?

Mm-hmm.
I want us to work on this
all night if we have to.

We have to pinpoint
your problem because
your sales are unacceptable.

What time is it?
It's 6:30.

6:30. Time for bed, boys.

And get lots of rest because
tomorrow we finish what
we didn't finish today.

Nighty-night.

Good night, mommy.

Brendon. Say nighty-night
to mommy.
Yeah. See you.

No, no, no!
Nighty-night!

Good night.
No! Nighty-night!

Nighty-night.

Sleep well!
And sleep tight!

Say "sleep tight!"
Sleep...

Sleep tight!
Say it!

Sleep tight.
Say "you too."

You too.
Okay, I will.

I'm making this tape
in the closet

In the hallway
where they can't hear me.

I'm making this tape
so that when they find me,
they'll know how I died.

I hate this place. I hate
fenton. I hate his mother.

I haven't eaten.
I haven't slept.
I worked all day in the yard.

I fear that these
are my last days.

I had a good life though.
I should be thankful.

That's all for now.
I'm going to the bathroom.

Okay, melissa. You're not
trying hard enough to sell me.

Sell me like your little
life depended on it.

Because one day it will.

Now go.

Um, right now I realize
I have to go to the bathroom.

Will you excuse me please?
Make it quick.

Sweet lord! What are you doing
to my mother, brendon?

I wasn't...
You!

Run, mommy, run!

What the hell
are you kids doing here?

Thanks for the
escape plan, jason.

No problemo, baby.

I can't stop thinking
about it, coach.

I think I just went through
a life-changing event.

I told you, brendon. Seeing a
naked woman is an amazing thing.

Yeah, but it was fenton's mom.

So?
So?

So, she's...
Oh, who cares?

Uh, look. I'm just happy
everybody's safe.

Safety is the most important
thing in the world.

Brendon, make this kid stop
talking through that thing
before I break it.

Brendon, make this guy
kiss my a*s

And then put on
some deodorant

Because of the stink

Coming from him.

Uh, over and out.

Hey, I am so sorry about
the whole fairy princess thing

And I hope that someday
you can forgive me.

Well, someday,
I'll probably be able to.

But for now,
you're on probation.

You know, I feel
particularly guilty about
questioning your masculinity.

The funny thing is that brendon
is the most positive female
influence in my life.

I mean, look at how he runs.

You are in so much
trouble with me that

I can't even say a sentence
with words that can sound
correctly good.

I'm sorry. Hey, at least
you got to see a naked lady.

Yeah, and I guess
fenton's a little more popular
because of it too. Look.

Fenton, can we spend the night
at your mom's house?

Yeah, fenton. We're your friends
now, so let us spend the night.

Yeah, maybe we'll see something
neat-o like a naked person.

Or a naked...
Yeah, you said that already.

I did.
Yeah.
We want a naked sleepover!

We want to see your naked mom!
Leave me alone!

Too many players on the field!

Hey, where's your coach?

Let's see what we got here.

Holy...

Hello, domain name registry.

I'd like to register
a domain name, please.

Okay, well,
I put my list on right here.
Let's see what you got.

Uh, fenton's-naked-mom-dot-com.

Okay. Now I look
right here and it says
that name is already took.

That's taken?
Fenton's-naked-mom...

Sorry, buddy, you gotta come up
with something else.

How about
middle-age-naked-mom-dot-com?

Okay, let me take a look.

No, that's taken.
You have to go dot-org.

Dot-com is taken?
Yeah, let me look.

Oh, yeah!