03x04 - Improving Your Life Through Improv

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

Really, brendon, I'm serious,
I can't keep driving you
to school like this.

Actually, mom,
I think you can.
You've got to take the bus.

What do you mean?
You've got a car.

This is the fifth time
in two weeks.
You got nothing else to do.

You know I've got
things to do.

No. When I leave in
the morning, you're waving,

And when I get back
you're still there
in the same place.

You sound tired.

It's because I woke up
like four minutes ago.

Hey, why are you
pulling over?

I have to mail something.

Get me a coffee.

No! Yeah.

Hey, josie.
Uh, gesundheit.

Are you all right?
You sick?

You need a hanky? Here.

I want you
in bed early tonight.

I want you in bed
early tonight.

And I want you up
early tomorrow.

You're not gonna
miss the bus again.
Mom, mom.

Okay, sweetie,
have a good day.
Mom.

Mom, you drove me back home.
Oh, sh...

♪♪

Here's an impression
you're gonna like. Tell me
if you know who this is.

Hey, stupid-heads.

Uh, my father?

You guys should get this.

Do it again.
Yeah, do it again.

Okay, let me do it.
Do it again.

Let me do it.
Okay.

Hey, stupid-heads,
kick the stupid ball.

Uh, coach mcguirk.
Right. It sounds
just like him.

Okay, um,
hey, who's this?

Uh, I'm just an idiot.
Uh, I'm an idiot.

Uh, jimmy stewart?
Coach mcguirk?

No, no. It's mr. Lynch.

Walter, I was gonna
say mr. Lynch.
I believe you, perry.

Everybody,
guess who this is.

I'm a little daffodil.

Little, little,
furry-faced daffodil.
Beautiful.

Let me see, uh...
I'm beautiful.

Uh, my father?

Was that coach mcguirk?
No, perry, it's you.

That's a good one, walter.
Yeah.

Thanks.
Walter, why would you
want to hurt me?

Perry! Never.

It was an homage.
Really?

Yeah. Imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Oh! That's why
I dress like you!
That's why I dress like you.

You dress like me?
I dress like you.

You dress like me?
I dress like you.

Okay, okay, okay.
That was great.
You guys were great.

Brendon, do your impression
of junior addleburg.
It's really funny.

Wait, wait. First, I can do
a nixon. I have to go home
and get the mask.

Let brendon do his first.

Why does brendon always
get to do impressions?

'Cause he's good at it.
Have you ever seen his junior?

It's good.
Whatever.

Yeah, do junior!
Do it!

Okay, okay, ready?

What is a noise I do?

The trick is no really
say anything.

That was okay.
It sort of sounds like him.

That sounds
just like him.
Sounds good.

Yeah, jason,
that sounds just like him.

You... You suck, jason.

Sorry. Sorry. Sometimes
things slip out like that.

I hate you.
Just kidding.
Ha-ha!

That's better.

Brendon, do more junior.

The whole idea, you don't
know what I say.

That is, uh, junior.

Hey, I be here all week.

Hey, everybody,
what's so funny?

What's so funny
over there?

Hey, how you do?

Look at me.
I'm, uh, sound like youse.

Hey, wait a minute!

That sound like me.

Maybe they think
I sound like that.

All right, all right.
Who hit him?

Nobody hit him, mr. Lynch.
Brendon was making fun
of him, mr. Lynch.

Oh, well.
Thanks, jason.

Maybe next time,
you'll let me do my nixon.

Are you all right, junior?

They were so cruel
and made "funs" of me.

Forget it, forget it.
Brendon, come here.

What, what, what?
Brendon.

Get over here.
Why were you
making fun of him?

We were just
playing around.

Oh, I see. You were
just playing the "hurting
someone's feelings" game.

Yes. I mean, no.
No, it's...

Look.
What?

Quiet. You need to be
a little more sensitive.

I know...

Keep that up and you are going
to be on a long road to trouble.

Do you hear me?
But we're not being serious.
We're just joking around.

It's not like saying, "mr. Lynch
wears the same thing every day
and he smells like cheese."

Well, good. I'm glad
you're not. Look.

I, uh, um... I'm...
Well, don't let me
see this again.

Okay.

♪♪

Oh, come on. Kick it!

Kick the ball!
Don't rub it!

You kids wanna be losers
your whole life?

Play well!
Play soccer!

Brendon, what's the score?
14 To nothing.

Too late!
You're all losers!

Game over!

Oh, come on, ref!
She tripped him!

Yellow card!
Yellow card, ref!

Call a yellow card!

Brendon, what's
a yellow card?

Uh, it's actually
a yellow card.

It's literal.
Yeah.

That's idiotic.
Yeah, well...

What's the matter,
you sick?
No, no, no.

I got yelled at
by mr. Lynch this morning.

So? Yell back at him.
What'd he yell at you for?

I was doing my impression
of that kid, junior addleburg,

And junior hears me
and starts crying, you know.

That was it?
Uh, yeah.

Hey, you wanna hear
my jimmy stewart?
Okay.

All right.
Um, what's a line
from that movie?

Um...
It's a wonderful world,
that movie.

That christmas movie.
Give me a line from that.

It's a wonderful life?
It's a wonderful life, yeah.

Ready? Here we go.
It's a wonderful life.

That's pretty good.

Hey, clarence,
it's a wonderful life.

Every time an angel rings...

Every time an angel rings
a bell, he gets his wings.

All right? Now pour me
another brandy. That's my dad.

That's not bad.
Who are you doin'?

That was my dad watching
it's a wonderful life.

Oh.
Wanna hear my dad watching
dog day afternoon?

Okay.
Hey, sal, put the g*n down.
Now get me a beer!

Do dustin hoffman.

All right. I'll do dustin
hoffman from tootsie. Ready?
Right.

Hey, look at me.
I'm in a dress.

No one knows I'm a woman.
Scent of a woman.

That's good. You kinda
did a combination of...

Do junior.
Do junior?

Yeah, make me laugh.

Ah, you don't...
What am I here for?

Hey, wait a minute.
He has a funny way of talk.

I have a bushy eyebrow.

He does.
I, uh, talk funny!

I talk weird!

That's pretty good, brendon.

Thank you.

Hey, everybody!
He's makin' fun of me!

Did he get mad at you
for doin' it?

Yeah, he got mad.

Hey, mr. Lynch,
come and save me!

Everyone makin' fun of me!

Do lynch now.
Make fun of mr. Lynch.

Hey, I'm, uh, mr. Lynch!

Mr. Lynch
as the other kid!

I like, uh, pencil lead!

Hey, what's, uh, everyone
laughing at? What's so funny?

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Everyone be
makin' fun of me again!

Brendon!
Uh-oh.

Did you not hear me before?

Did you not listen to me?
What are you doing?

Mr. Lynch, i...
This is the same thing
you did before.

This is the same exact thing.
I kinda did
a different thing.

You didn't learn
your lesson, did you?

Well, you will be learning
your lesson saturday at
the sensitivity seminar.

What?
In fact, since all you kids find
making fun of someone so funny,

I want all of you to report
to the sensitivity seminar
on saturday.

Or face detention!

Calm down, lynch.
It's not that big a deal.

He was doing an impression
of a kid. It was funny.
The kid's weird.

Including you, mcguirk.
You out of your mind, lynch?

Look, mcguirk, ticket sales
have been kind of slow, okay?

I'll pay you to go.

All right. Everyone's going to
sensitivity seminar on saturday.

You know, the reason
I must do those things

Is because I must
want attention.

I'm not that popular...
Yeah, brendon, it's okay.

I mean, you're a good guy.
I know that.
Yeah, you're a good guy too.

Yeah, I know that.
No hard feelings. I was just
kinda goofing around.

It wasn't very nice.
I know that.

So, um, you know.

Are you...
What are you doing?

Oh, I'm, uh,
reading the paper.
Okay, well...

Hey, brendon, come to my house
in a couple of days.

We'll have some fun.
Bring your family to my house.
We'll have some dinner.

Um, okay.
What?

Hey, mom. I'm home!

I got in trouble today. I have
to go to a seminar saturday.

I apologized to junior.
He invited us to dinner
at his house.

I'll be downstairs.
Not so fast, young man.

Mom, hi.
Uh, I'm going downstairs.

Not so fast.
Oh. Um, uh...

What about a hug?
Hug?

A hug.
Oh, a hug. Yeah.

I'm waiting for my hug.
Yeah, okay.

Hey, come here.
Okay, I'm gonna get goin'.

Ah-ah-ah!
Uh-oh.

Where's my kiss?
Oh, right. Kiss.

Mwah. And I'm gonna
get goin'. See you later.
Nice runnin' into you again.

See you later.
Brendon.

What was that part again
about you getting in trouble

That you said earlier
really, really fast.

I said I got in trouble
really fast. Why?

'Cause, uh, mr. Lynch
called earlier.

Mom! So you knew
the whole time.

What was this crap with
the kissing and hugging and all?

I figured I'd get
a kiss and hug before
I send you to your room.

You are a nasty mama.

Okay, got the cookies,
got milk, clipboard, remote.

Okay, let's see what we got.

I'm all you've got,
brad and rita.

I'm your only chance
of getting out alive.

But if you hurt those hostages,
I can't guarantee
you'll get out alive.

I think I might
cut right there.

How do I turn this thing up?

I'm all you've got!

Your only chance
of getting out alive.

Uh, can you hear me?

Oh, boy, jason.

Guys, in summation,

Hostages alive,

Me, all you've got.

You guys definitely
wanna get out alive.

Hello?

Oh, hello?
Hi, mr. Addleburg?

Hello?
This is paula small.

Oh, well, hello, paula.

Oh, that's weird.

I just tried to call for a pizza
and you was on the phone.

Can you believe that?

Could you repeat that?
Oh, I forget what I say.

Robbing this bank
may have been the biggest
mistake we've ever made, rita.

We really shot ourselves in
the foot this time, didn't we?

Yeah, yeah, we did.
And we shot the guard
in the foot too.

Don't forget about that.
We're never gonna
get out of this.

We're gonna be k*lled or go to
jail for the rest of our lives.

I just wanted a better life
for you and me and the baby.

Oh, jason, geez.
Overact a little, why don't you?

- Gotta tone that down.
- Cut.

Jason, you gotta be bigger.

Ouch.

I don't know.
I'm bein' pretty big.

Trust me. It's a big line.
You gotta say it big.

I'll give it a shot.

I just wanted a better life...
Stop. Stop.

You gotta get
bigger than that.

I just wanted a better...
Bigger, bigger, bigger.

It's gotta be
bigger than that.

Bigger than that?
Bigger? Okay.

I just wanted a better life...
Stop, stop, stop. Bigger.

Bigger than that.
Bigger?

Yeah.
Seriously?

Yeah.
Bigger.

Let me hear you. Action.

Better life!

Better li...

So anyway, ken, I was wondering
if there was something

We could bring to dinner
on saturday.

Oh, right, right.

Well, that's not
so much a big deal

Because we will have
all the food here, huh?

You bring something?

You bring something? No.

You bring something? No.

Okay, great.
I'll bring that.

Okay. Make sure
you have enough.

Cut. Ooh, geez.

What a major disappointment
you've become, jason.

Brendon, back off.
You're being a jerk.

I'm being a jerk?
I'm trying to be constructive.

You are being a jerk.
You know something there?

What?
You're a jerk.

You're a jerk.
Really? You're a jerk.

Know what else?
You're a jerk.

Know what just occurred
to me? You're a jerk.

Know what I just thought of?
You're a jerk.

Know what? You're a jerk.
You're the jerk.

You're a jerk.
You were kind of
being a jerk.

You're both a jerk.
Why's jason a jerk?
You're the jerk.

Know something?
I'm not a jerk.

Guess what?
Jason, you're fired.

Rehire jason.

Brendon.
What? You're fired, jason.
How do you like that?

I don't even know where
we are in the script.

This isn't on the script.
This is actually happening.
Oh.

You're fired, jason.
Brendon.

How? I'm the guy,
the hostage.

I'll replace you.
You're replaceable.

Apologize to jason.

You're replaceable.
You know something, melissa?

What?
As long as I'm a jerk,
you're fired.

Apologize to melissa.

You can't fire us,
'cause we quit.

Go ahead. Get out of here.
Who cares?

Send flowers to melissa.

♪♪

Okay, okay, quiet, please.

Thank you. Welcome to...

No, I don't mean quiet
on the volume.

Turn my microphone up.

Oh, boy.

Oh. Thank you.

Well, welcome, everybody,
to "improving your life
through improv,"

A.k.a.,
The sensitivity seminar.

Presented by the math department
and yours truly.

Thank you. Hmm.

Quiet, please.

Please welcome with
a rousing sensitive round
of rounding applause,

We're just people too!

Hey, thank you!

Wow, you guys look great!
Don't they, josh?

Are you kidding?
This is the ugliest
group of people I've ever seen!

That's not being
very sensitive, josh.

In fact, let's start off
with a little story from matt

On what it means to be sensitive
and understanding. Matt.

Boy, this is gonna be
a long afternoon.

It's your fault, brendon.
Let's not play
the blame game.

Try saying that
three times fast.
Bet you can't.

Blame game, blame game,
game blame. Easy.

What'd I miss?
Jason, what are
you doing here?

Don't I go
to school here?

It's saturday.
Oh.

You know?

Thank you, matt,
for opening up and sharing
that very painful story.

Okay, now it's time
for an improv game!

Quick, I need a city,
an occupation and a skin color.

Hello.
Yeah, this is she.

What? I won.

Oh, my god. I won.

♪♪

Wasn't that fun?

I think they're
pretty good.

Are you serious?
She's awful.

Gwen is actually
extremely charming and that
lilting voice, forget it.

I think you're crazy.
Oh, she's got a hold of me.

Now, I need some volunteers.

Oh, oh!
Pick me!

Okay, how about...

You... And you...

And you...
Oh, yippee!

I win!
What about me?

It's okay, perry.
I'll represent you.

But walter, we can't
be separated.
I guess that's true.

Miss! Miss!

You.
All right, I win!

Oh, I need one more.

Please, please, hey!

You.
Me?

Oh, actually, I need one more.

Hey, what about me?

This is not the bathroom.

You!
Huh?

God-bye, my love.
Good-bye, love, love.

You'll always
be in my heart.

Lynch, what the hell
is going on here?

Quiet, and learn something.
Shut up.

What's your name?

Brendon.
Okay, brendon,

We're going to play
an improvisational game
called freeze tag.

But first, audience, we need
to give brendon an occupation.

Cement mixer!

I heard dental hygienist.

I didn't.
What about
an occupation for me?

I heard window washer.

Window washer. Good one.

Okay, brendon, you and I
are in a dentist's office.

You're cleaning someone's teeth
while I'm cleaning the windows.

Boy, these windows
sure are dirty.

How are the teeth coming?

Oops, I dropped my sponge.
Let me get it.

There it is.
Slippery sponge.

Freeze!

So now we freeze in whatever
position we're in

And josh comes over and tags
the person he wants to replace.

And then he takes the scene
in an even funnier direction.
It's awesome!

First time in prison?

What?
Turn your head and cough.

Now you're a doctor?

Freeze!

Are these shoes too tight
that you're thinking of buying
from me, a shoe salesman?

Maybe you need an extra-large
size, eh, sasquatch?

Freeze! I mean unfreeze.
Never mind. Keep going.

Freeze!
Hi, perry!

Hi!

Oh, my god!

Freeze.

Hey, brendon,
first time in prison?

I don't know
what that means.

So I dropped
my slippery sponge.

Eh, sasquatch?
Shoe salesman.

Freeze!

Uh, am I still
a dental person?

Is that better, tin man?

Can you move
your arms now, tin man?

Freeze!

Are you gonna
tag one of us?

No. No. No, I'm not.
I just want you to stop.

This is awful.

So when I finish my thesis,
I'll have a double masters
in education and in science.

What about you?
Um...

I collect world w*r ii stuff.

Helmets. I got two l*gers.
You gonna finish that milk?

Huh? Sweetheart?

Mm, yeah.

Nice legs.

Geez.
I work out.

Shave.

Now we come to
the most important part
of our show, people.

The part where
you leave, I hope.

Shut up, brendon.
You shut up.

Josh is gonna talk about
the need to be sensitive.

Not just to people who
are different physically
or mentally,

But whatever.

Josh.
Thanks, gwen. Let me
tell you all something.

I know what it's like
to be different.

I know what
it's like to be hurt.

I know what it's like
to be stared at,

Laughed at and pointed at.

I know what it...

That's it. 4:00.

And that concludes my 100 hours
of community service, folks.

I'm out of here.
Enjoy the pizza.
Oh, uh, word of advice, kids.

Never protest in front
of a federal building.
You get arrested. Peace, dudes.

Uh, time for the closing song.

♪ Ooh,
da-da-da-da-dee-da-da-da-daa ♪

This is a song I wrote about
tolerance and understanding.

♪ I watched a caterpillar
change into a butterfly today ♪

♪ She watched a caterpillar
change into a butterfly ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ You can throw rocks
from your house of glass ♪

♪ Ain't no skin
off of my a*s ♪

♪ Ain't no skin of of my...
Ain't no skin off of my a*s ♪

♪ Ain't no skin
off of my a*s ♪
people,

Don't look at each other
as black and white.

Look at each other
as light and dark.

♪ Ain't no skin... ♪
Be sensitive today.

♪ And you can throw rocks
from your house of glass ♪

♪ Ain't no skin
off of my a*s ♪

♪ My sweet a*s, my sweet a*s,
my sweet a*s ♪

♪ I love my a*s ♪

♪ My sweet, sweet, sweet,
sweet, sweet, sweet a*s ♪

♪ Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet,
sweet, sweet, sweet a*s ♪

Now remember, brendon...

Don't make fun of
the way they talk.

I was gonna say don't eat like
a pig, but, yeah, what you said.

Brendon, I have to
tell you something.
What?

It's not a bad thing or
anything. In fact, it's good.
But kinda bad.

What is it?
Remember when I mailed a big
package the other morning?

No.
I entered
a video contest.

I sent in one of your
videotapes and it came in
third place.

You sent in...
Third place? That's all?

You won $500, brendon.
$500? Wow.
That's awesome. Really?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I should have told you.

Well, maybe, but...
What movie did you send in?

It wasn't exactly a movie.
I mean, it was a movie,
but you didn't make it.

It was a home movie
I took of you when
you were four years old.

Remember that one?
Uh, no.

Sure you do. You were so cute.
You were singing the alphabet

And laughing and then you peed
your pants and started crying.

You sent that in?

Oh, mom, that is so
embarrassing.

I know. I mean,
I shouldn't have done it,
but I knew it would win.

Well, it's still
embarrassing knowing people
looked at that tape.

Yeah, well...

How are you doing?
Hey, come on in. There's...

I have to laugh so much.
They're showing the video
on the news.

They're showing...
What, they're showing my...
The video on the news?

They're showing the video.
Come on in.

I was gonna tell you.

Hey, quiet, quiet, quiet.
It's on again.
Oh, no.

People can't seem to get
enough of this video,

So here it is again,
little brendon small.

♪ A, b, c, d... ♪
Come on.

♪ E, f, g ♪
that's it.

♪ A, k, p, p,
ka, ma, na, no, uh... ♪

Close.
Pee.

Oh, my god. He peed!

Brendon.
Pee. Pee, mommy.

Okay, that's enough pee.
Pee, mom, look.

Okay, brendon,
stop with the pee.

Oh, boy.

♪♪