03x05 - Four's Company

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Huh? What?

Who's there?
Who's there?

Who's there?

I know someone's here.
I've got a g*n.
Well, not a g*n, but a pencil.

Hello, prescott.
Aah! Stella!

No, you're d-d-d-dead!
I buried you myself.

Well, I guess you didn't hear
the latest dirt on me, prescott.
I'm back.

No!
Prescott, my good man.

Aah! Wayne!

Please forgive my stench.
I think some fish hid on me.

No! Not you!
I put chains on your legs
and I pushed you off my boat!

I watched you sink!

Oh, you're absolutely right,
prescott.

I am dead,
and now you will be too.

So, what will it be, old boy?
Join me in a midnight swim?

If you're not too tied up?

Or perhaps you'd rather
be pushing up daisies in
the garden with me, prescott?

No!

A nightmare.

Nothing more than
some silly, silly, silly,
confounded nightmare.

Those two scoundrels
are dead.

Aaaaaah!

Aaaah!

Uh, yes.

Well... Well.

Brendon, it's a smart and clever
thriller with a nice twist.
Thank you.

And I appreciate
the visual medium
you chose for your report.

Again, many thanks.

But what does this have to do
with susan b. Anthony?

You were supposed to do
a report on susan b. Anthony.

I... Was?
Mm-hmm.

And what is that?
That is...

That is not a report on...
Not a report on...

I think you misunderstood
the assignment.

Well, I might have
misunderstood the assignment.
Yes, you did.

I want a report
on susan b. Anthony
by the end of the week.

Okay. All right.
Let me just write it down.
What's the guy's name again?

His name is
susan b. Anthony.

Hey, what if we show
susan b. Anthony as a hero?

Nah.
That's stupid, melissa.

What if we do a scene
where susan b. Anthony

Comes back
from the dead?
That's stupid.

It's not stupid.
Yes, it is.

Okay, well then
she starts eating people.

Keep talking.
Brendon, do you think octavio
could be in this scene?

Mm-mm. No, this is
a three-person scene.

We don't need
an extra person, you know?

But you said
you'd use him.

Yeah, but not now.
Not yet.
Don't you like him?

I just don't need him.
That's all.

Well, I gotta go now anyway.
But we're not done.

I know, but octavio's
walking me home.

Ohh...
Ohh...

Melissa, what's the matter
with your mouth?

What?
Yeah.

I'm smiling.

Oh, it's gross.

See you later, guys.

Come on, octavio.

Melissa, you are magnifique.

Thank you, octavio.
I'm glad someone
appreciates me.

Au revoir.
Au revoir, guys.

Oh, geez, what's with...

Eesh! Wow!
What does she see in him?
I don't know.

"You are magnifique."

You are... Oink, oink!

Yeah, uh, "au revoir."

What does that mean?
I don't know.

I know octavio's only been in
school for a couple of weeks...

But?

Mmm... But, uh, I hate him.

Yuck.
I don't trust him.

I hear you.

Brendon, who, who, who?
I don't know.

Who at age eight wears
a mock turtleneck?

I mean, come on.
Yeah. I don't know.

I mean, where does
that guy shop?

Brendon, we don't
have a dog.

Not yet, mom.
Put it back.

Mom!
Brendon, how long did
the hamster last?

What, old joe?
Uh-huh.

Two weeks.

Yeah. The guinea pig?

Regular joe?
Four days.

Try three days.
Three days.

The fish?
Cup o' joe? Um...

You remember the fish?
Yeah, that was
a 48 hour, uh...

It was dead
before we got home.

That's because I don't know
my own strength.
You see what I'm getting at?

Yeah, I'm out of pets.
Come on, pets.

Don't be a wise guy. Put the dog
stuff back and get your cereal.

And don't come back with
ten boxes of cereal either,
just two.

How about a cat?
Go.

Geez, I am so...

Paula?
Erik, hi.

You know, we should
exchange information.
Huh?

You know, I hit
your cart, so i...
Oh, right.

I get it.
Yeah.

So, how's melissa?

She's good. I mean, you probably
see her more than I do.

Yeah.
How is she?

Oh, she's good. She's good.
Got a little boyfriend.

Hey, congratulations.
That's great.

No, not me. Melissa has
a little boyfriend.

Oh, right, right. Octavio.
He seems like a nice kid.

Yeah. Yeah.
Nice enough.

Well.
So.

Apparently you like beans.
Yeah.

Seems as if you have
six big cans.
Yes sirree, six cans, yeah.

I don't think I'll be stopping
by your house tonight.
That's cute.

Yeah, that's cute, erik.
Oh, boy.

I should get going.
Okay.

Well, it's been great
talkin' beans with you.

All right. Yeah.
Okay.

Okay, good to see you.
Nice to see you.

Okay.

Oh, paula.
And erik. Hello.

Hey, mr. Lynch.
Hi, mr. Lynch.

Hey, you two should
swap information.

You know what
I'm saying?

Yes.
He means
'cause we bumped.

Oops, uh, hey.

I didn't know
you were shopping today.

Yeah, I needed a few things.

Should we exchange
information?
Huh?

We had an accident
with our carts.

What?

Like with driving when
you get in an accident,

You have to exchange
your name and...
Should we do what?

It's a car accident joke.

Oh... I don't get it.

My dad always says it.
I don't know.

So, um...

Wow, you like beans, huh?

Yeah.
Wow.

Whatever joke you're thinking
of, he's already done it.

Really?
Yeah.

Hey, did he do
hill of beans?
Bean there.

"Been there."
That's good.

I think if you eat
all these beans, you are gonna
amount to a hill of beans.

Oh...

Well, god, you guys
are a blast.

It's a shame I gotta go.
Some shopping to do.

Yeah, me too.
I hear you.

Okay, then.
What do you know.
You people.

Oh, boy.
Hey, mcguirk.

How's everybody doin'?
Mcguirk.

How are you?
Apparently we all shop.

Yeah.
Yeah.

All right.
I gotta get moving here.

What are you gonna do
with all those beans?

I'm gonna eat them.

Goin' to bean town?

I'm so sorry.

Hey, brendon,
you might as well know
now that it's official.

Octavio's gonna
be my boyfriend.

Hmm, so then what?
Are you gonna be his girlfriend?

That's the way it works.
Well, I don't trust him.

Brendon, I know octi's
a little strange.

Whoa, wait. Whoa. Who?

Oh, I call him octi.
You call him what?

Octi. It's short for octavio.
I don't know. I just like him.

Listen, melissa, I just don't
want to see me get hurt.

Okay?
You mean me?

Yeah, that's what I said.

What?
I just want to see
you get hurt. Okay?

Hey, knuckleheads. What's up?
I didn't know you guys shop.

Jason.
Hey, jason.

Jason, what is that?
Yeah.

What?
What are you doing?

I'm looking through
my coupons.

Coupons?
You have
a coupon book?

I like to use coupons.
It's a hobby.

So I use coupons.
Most of america does.

Yeah, I used to get the jumbos.
Now I get the extra-large.

Yeah.
It's easier to throw.

You know, with jumbo eggs
though, you only need two
instead of three?

Yeah.
Yeah.

I get the one-size-fits
all egg,

But I'd like to see
those jumbo hens.

That was funny.
Yeah.

Listen. It was
so great running into
all you guys,

But I've gotta
get going.

Oh, yeah.
Me too.
I should...

I should get out
of here also.
Yeah.

Everyone's got
a schedule, huh?

See you in aisle seven.
Okay...

Hey, crazy idea, guys.

What do you say we all
have dinner together?

You know?
The four of us.
Huh?

Dinner.
Hey, uh...
No...

Why would
we do that?

I mean, this is working out.
We seem to talk well together.

You know?

How about it? Anyone?

Wow, look at the time.
I gotta go.

Yeah. Look at that
cantaloupe over there.

Um, where?

Over... I mean,
I gotta go over there
and look at. Good-bye.

Um, am I getting
the blow off here?
Not at all. Nope.

That's fine.
If you guys don't wanna
do dinner, we don't.

Just from my own
experience, uh,

This is never gonna happen
unless we put one person
in charge to really,

Uh, synchronize
everybody's schedules.

Well, I'll take the helm.
You know?

Who likes veal?
Yeah, I gotta go.

Here's one for gravy.
What's it worth?

Thirty-five cents off
for six cans.
I'll take it.

I'll give you ten cents off
floor wax for the gravy.
Deal.

Come to papa.
Mm-hmm.

Whoa, whoa. Who wants
50 cents off on cat food?

Give me! Me!
Me! Me!

Hey, hey, hey!
Settle down.
You don't even have a cat.

Guys.
I don't care.

I'm runnin' this show.

Erik.
Caught me in the act.

Mcguirk, how are you?
Hey.

Hey, erik, what are you buying?
Toilet paper?

No, no. I wasn't buying
anything. I was just looking,
seeing what my options are.

Adult diapers?
Shh! Shh.

I had no idea!
No, I just...
Just assume i...

I'm just having fun with you.
Hey, let's shop together, huh?

We're both here.
Let's shop together.
What do you say?

I, uh... Why?
Huh?

Why?
What do you mean why?
It'll be fun.

No, no. I need
to shop alone because
I need to concentrate.

Let's go around together
and help each other.

Are you with me?
I should
probably get going.

Oh, all this
toilet paper, erik.

Kind of makes me think.

So what about dinner?
You know, um, I'm not sure

Because my schedule is
tricky this week, so I go...
I'm gonna follow you.

Okay... I wish
you wouldn't follow me.

Here I come.
Comin' to get ya.
Huh?

Don't do that.
Erik, you're going too fast.
Erik, slow down!

Erik!
Wh... Whoa!

I just hope you know
what you're doing,
melissa. You know?

About what?
Well, you haven't
been spending...

Ah, forget it.
Okay.

Seriously?
Yeah.

It's forgotten.
That was...
I was just...

Can you pass the cereal?
Oh.

You know, these peanut butter
puffy oats are pretty good.

Told ya.
Mmm.

Especially good when

We didn't pay
for them yet, did we?

Is thing on?

Whoa. Uh, hello?

Uh, how's everybody doing?
Attention, shoppers.

♪ Won't you come home,
bill bailey ♪
okay.

Melissa, um, this is
your father, erik.

I'm ready to leave,
uh, honey.
Sir. Sir!

But I'll meet you
at the front.

Oh.
Yeah, that's...

I guess I should go.

Oh, this is a nightmare.
Paula.
So we meet again.

So, uh, I know we were
talking dinner.

I was thinking saturday night.
How about that?
I-i can't.

Friday?
Not good.

Sunday. I could do sun...
Busy. Busy.

Uh, call me!
You bet!

Okay... All right.
Right.

Oh, yeah.
What are these?

That's good stuff.

What is that, salami?

Tofu? Jesus.

I love it. I'll take some.

Jason, I'm worried about
melissa. She's spending
way too much time with octavio.

Brendon, slow down, bub.

Doesn't matter anyway.
Why?

'Cause it doesn't
change anything.

I'm still gonna end up
marrying melissa.

Oh, really?
Uh-huh.

I didn't know
you felt that way.

Well, it's our destiny,
brother. Get on board.

Well, have you told her?
Uh, who?

Melissa.
Oh, no, no, no.

I'll tell her when the
time is right, brendon.

It has to be perfect.

Uh, probably at
the country club,
you know,

On the 18th green.

We just finished our round.
Uh-huh.

Well, what's in the hole?
It's a diamond ring.

Well, that's weird.
Somebody must've been grabbing
their ball and it fell off.

No. Will you marry me?

See? I totally have it
worked out. I play golf
in the future, brendon.

Oh.
Hey, guys.

Hey, uh, melissa.
Hi, jason.

Whatever.
Melissa,
where's your shadow?

What?
Brendon, it's right
there on the wall.

I mean octavio.
Ah.

- He's not my shadow, brendon.
- Yes, he is.

No, he's not.
Yes, he is.

No, he's not.
Yes, he is.

No, he's not.
Yes, he is.

I think
you're just jealous.

- W... I'm jealous?
- Yeah.

I'm not jealous of him.
He's... Ah...

He's a... He's got a...
Have you seen his shoes?

You know what? You've been
acting like a jerk ever since
he became my boyfriend.

No, I haven't.
Yes, you have!

I've been a jerk the whole time!
You know what?
He treats me nice.

Aw. Aw.
And you know, octi and I
are together now.

Aww!
I don't have to
take this anymore.

No, listen!
If that's the way you feel,
then you know what?

Bury the hatchet
and let's just sh**t
this scene, all right?

I have a better idea.
I quit!

Wow.

All right, jason.

Stuff the pillow
and put on the wig.
We gotta sh**t this scene.

Stuff the pillow
and put on the wig.

You got it, captain.

Ugh, look at octavio.

He thinks he's so cool 'cause
he's from some foreign country
and speaks french.

What a jerk. Huh.

Octavio? I'm gonna call him
october behind his back.

Okay, pencils down,

And, uh, pass your papers
forward, please.

- The test is over.
- Uh-oh.

I just don't understand
how somebody can lose
a test paper

Between their desk
and my desk, brendon.

I mean, this sort of
irresponsible behavior
had better stop, mister.

Do I make myself clear,
young man?

Lynch.

Huh?
You got a minute?

Oh. Uh...

Or are you teaching?
One second.

Oh, hey, brendon.
Okay.

Well, you can go now.
All right, lynch.

Good-bye, brendon.
What?

I've got it down to
16 possible dates for dinner.

Mcguirk, I don't have time.

Let me see your calendar.
Don't... No, no, no. Ah.

Kittens?
I like cats.
So sue me.

I think I could.
I don't think you can.

I think you can sue
for a kitten calendar.

You're scary, lynch.

I'll see you later.
Okay, octi?
Okay, melissa.

Au revoir,
mon ami.

Au revoir, mon a-you.

♪ Octavio likes melissa
octavio likes melissa ♪

♪ Octavio likes... ♪
Hey, shut up.

♪ Meli... ♪
Shut...

You like her.
I don't.

Yes, you do.
I do not.

Yes, you do.
I don't.

You got it all wrong.
I'm just using her,

So I can make movies
with brendon small.

I wanna be a movie star.

- What about us?
- Who cares?

I do.
You're a silly stupid girl.

You're a real b*stard.

You got a lot of guts
doing that.

You got something else
for me?
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Should've known.
Got it out of your system?

Oof.
That's better.

Had enough...
Enough.

All right.
See you around.

So long.

One more for the road.

Brendon, when was
the last time I put
you in a game?

Uh, I was just in
last month.

Sorry. I'm back.
Erik, what were
you doing?

I was on hold for 20 minutes.
I'm sorry. I'm fielding
a lot of calls today.

So how are your wednesdays?
Same as everybody else's...
Right after my tuesdays.

I'm serious.
Lynch can do wednesday.
I'll let you know.

What about eating at frank's?
Or how about ralph's?

They got good barbecue.
You know, I never heard
of those restaurants.

Oh, you wanna go
to a restaurant?
Oh, all right.

Change of plans.
I'm gonna have to call
ralph and cancel.

I'll, uh...
I'll call you back.

Coach?
Brendon.

Yeah?
Go get me
a yellow pages.

Octavio! Melissa!
Get in the game!

Hey, coach. What do
you think of octavio?
He's an a*s.

I agree. But I know
something about him
that melissa doesn't know,

And if she finds out
it's gonna hurt her feelings.

But if I tell her she won't
believe me because she thinks
I'm jealous and don't like him.

Oh, my job.

Brendon.
Yeah?

I know guys like octavio...
Lady K*llers.
Right.

Right?
Yeah.

I'm like octavio.
Yeah.

I fake accents to try
and pick up girls.
Yeah.

I do that. It works.
Yeah.

What can you do?
Yeah?

Nothing.
Fake an accent.

All right?
Okay. Right now?

Look, brendon. You wanna
get melissa back, all right,
start with octavio.

Here's your source.
Yeah.

Sit him down,
right.

Find out what
his game is.
Yeah.

All right?
Yeah.

Then let the rest
run its course.
Right.

You know what
I'm sayin'?
Yes. Yes.

Thanks.
You're welcome.

Thanks for the advice.
No problem.

Susan b. Anthony.
Who are you, susan?

Tell me so...
So that I can tell
the world your-your story.

Bonjour.
Ah!

Oh, sorry.
I scare you, no?
No. No, I was... I was just...

How did you
get down here?
Your mother let me in.

Oh. Well, I'm glad
you're here, octavio.

Ahh, oui, oui, oui.

Listen, I know your game.
What? Game?

You don't really wanna be
melissa's boyfriend, do you?
No, no. I do not.

You were just using melissa
so you could be in
our movies, right?

Oui. It is correct.

But, uh, I want to work
with the genius director.
Uh-huh.

Brendon, I am the best actor
you will ever work with
in your life.

What makes you think
you're such a great actor?

Because, brendon,
brendon, brendon.

What?
Ta-da.
I'm not french. I'm acting.

Yeah, I know.
Huh?

Yeah, I know.
Since when?

Since the first time
I heard you speak.

It's fake.
It's a fake accent.

It's like a hacky french accent.

What have you been watching,
like, the pink panther?

You're right.
I'm not french.

Do you think I'm american?
I know you're not french.

Think I'm american?
Well, yeah.

I'm not.
Why? What are you?

I'm canadian, eh?
Ugh.
There's the door.

Oh, I hope that's him.

Hello?
Erik?

John?
Yeah?

It's not him.

I got the date
locked in for dinner.

The 12th.
How about that?
Yeah, let me...

Can you hang on one sec
while I check my calendar?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got time.
I gotta say

It doesn't look like
that's gonna work out.
Uh-huh. Checking your calendar?

Yeah, I got...
I'm checking my calendar
right now.

Got it in your hand,
huh?
Yep. Just lookin' at it.

Lookin' at it?
Yeah.

Where are you now?
I'm in the living room

Looking at my calendar.

Sitting in the living room
holding a calendar?
Yeah.

Not in the kitchen?
I'm in the living room.
I'm holding a calendar.

I'm in my car
holding binoculars.
Oh.

You're in the kitchen holding
a blue coffee mug, right?
Yes.

There I am. See me?
I see you.

How you doin'? All right,
now pick up the calendar

And hold it up
where I can see it.

No funny stuff.

I don't want to work
with octavio. He's a jerk.

That's right.
Brendon, I call him
october behind his back.

Well, that's
just childish.
What?

Hey.
Uh-huh?

I just thought of a way
we can get rid of octavio

And get melissa back
before it's too late.

Get over here
as fast as you can.

All right.
Could you send a cab?

No, john.
Friday sounds doable.
Good.

Lynch?
You still there?
Yes.

What about friday?
Uh,

Yeah, I guess
I can do friday,
but not until...

Let's see, 8:30.
Friday, 8:30.
Hold on.

Paula?
Still here.

What about friday, 8:30?
Fine.

All right, good.
Um...

I'll call you back.

Erik, watch this.
Lynch?
Hello?

Lynch?
Yeah.
What's goin' on?

I don't know.
What are you doin'?

You were making the plan.
What is... What's going on?

What plan?
The dinner plan.

I don't know what
you're talking about lynch,
but don't call me anymore.

What?

I lied to you, october.

What?
"October."

I didn't really
invite you here
to make a movie

About a scientific expedition
to the bottom of
the indian ocean

As I said to you earlier
on the phone.

See this? I taped your
little confession about melissa
and how you used her.

You're good.
Thanks.

Now I want you
to call melissa

And tell her that
she's too good for you,

Or I'll show this tape.

What's it gonna be,
october?

Oh, it gets me every time.

Okay, I'll do it.

I wrote out everything
you need to say to her.

And I wanna see
a good performance.

Brendon?
Yeah?

I'll give the best performance
you've ever seen.

Can you tape this
for my reel?

And every time
I see you smile, it will feel
like a dagger in my heart,

And a constant reminder
of what could have been,

If I wasn't such
a shallow person.

So, can you give her
that message?

I will.
Au revoir.

All right.
Here's my headshot
and bios.

Please note all
the different dialects.

I also play soccer,
swim and can ride a horse.
I also do magic. Poof.

Listen, guys.
I'm sorry I got mad
and quit the other day,

And I'm really sorry
I let octavio
get in-between us.

Well, melissa...
We're sorry if
we didn't, uh...

Do, uh... Uh, things.

Thanks, brendon.
That means a lot.

So, jason,
brendon said
you wanna marry me.

I never said that.
You told me you wanted
to marry her.

That it was your destiny.
No, I didn't, brendon.

You did.
I did not.

You did too.
Melissa, I don't
wanna marry you.

Oh, my god. No.
All right. Well, then
let's get to work.

Sure. I... Well, here's
what I was thinking.

I mean, uh... What...
Did you have any ideas?

My love.

Women will never get
the right to vote! Never!

Well, then. Maybe I'll
just have to settle for
the right to bear arms.

Okay, you can vote!
You can vote!

Good job, susan.
Wait!

Are you
susan b. Anthony?
That's me.

Well, I have to know, susan.
What does the "b" stand for?

You really wanna know?
Please.

Bitchin'!

Whoo!

Erik, take a load off.
Hey, sorry I'm so late.

Ah, don't worry about it.
You're fine. You're fine.

Hey, where's,
uh, lynch and paula?
Canceled.

Oh, that's why
paula offered to babysit.

Well, I'll tell ya,
we don't need 'em.

You drink wine?
Please.

Let's order another bottle.
Okay.

Hey, have you
eaten here before?
I just ate, so I finished.

Well, I'm gonna
hit the head.

Whoof.
Mmm. John mcguirk,
I'll tell you this...

I needed
this-this break.
Yeah.

Here's to you for
showin' up, you know.
Hey.

You know who we shouldn't
toast to? Lynch and paula.
That's right.

But I'd like to drink
to them since I got
my glass up.

I'm glad you came through.
It was nice of you, you know?
Mmm.

You're a man who respects
a plan, and that's good.

Hey, to planning.
Come on.

Oh, man. This is good.
What... Who made this?

You can drink, huh?
I mean, I can't pronounce it,
but I can, uh, consume it.

You gonna order, or are you...
I ordered already while
you were in the bathroom.

You did?
Yup.

I'm gonna take off.
Okay.

Do you mind if I eat
while you're gone?
No, no. Enjoy.

What did you get?
I got the grilled chicken
salad salad.

You go, girl!
Hmm.

I'll check you later, buddy.
I'm gonna leave you
with the check.

I do gotta run out of here.

I just gotta call my friend,
ralph, and we're gonna hit
a nightclub.

Okay. You want me to hook up
with you guys later?

No, that's cool.
You stick it out here.

'Cause I have
my cell phone with me.
Have a good meal.

Okay, if you wanna call me
you just... Just, uh...
See you later, buddy!

I'm... I'm gonna
leave it on.
Hey, thanks for showin' up!