03x06 - Renaissance

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

Wow.
Wow.

Wow.
I have never been
this tired.

Why don't you pull over
and sleep?
I'll just sleep here.

Okay.
Um, I'm allergic
to coffee, by the way.

That's decaf, jason.
We got you decaf.

Is decaf still coffee?

Thanks for driving us so early.
Yeah, thanks.

And for getting the coffee.
I only mentioned it 'cause
I will get hives.

So don't drink it.
Can't we get something else
then for me?

We're gonna be there soon.

I don't know why mr. Lynch
needs you to be there so early.

It's because he's
the county chairman
of all medieval activities.

He takes this stuff
pretty seriously.

I guess I should have
packed my own juice
or something.

And we are getting
paid, mom.
Yeah.

I actually don't really like
the medieval fair.

Yes, you do, jason.
No, I don't, melissa.

Yes, you do.
I wanna go to
the sci-fi convention.

What's a sci-fi convention?
You know, it's a bunch of dorks
trading action figures, mom.

Oh, like that thing
I took you to last year?
Yes.

Believe you me, you two,
it's not a bunch of dorks.

Anyway, this year it's happening
on the same day next door
to the medieval fair

Which is a huge conflict
of interest for geeks.

Hey, watch it.
Aren't you more interested in
the history of medieval times?

Yeah.
I mean,
it really happened.

So did the sci-fi stuff.

When? In the future?
No. That's why you don't
understand it.

It's already happening.
Kids, it's a little early
to be arguing.

It's gonna be fun.
Dwayne's band is gonna be there.

I don't like dwayne.

You have a bad attitude today.
You do.

You do.
I don't like dwayne.

Guys. It'll be fine.
I'm videotaping it...
Wow.

Remember when we used to play
sci-fi games together.

Yeah, we still play
sci-fi games.

So why can't we go to
the sci-fi convention?

'Cause we're not getting paid
to go to the sci-fi convention.

We're getting paid to do
the medieval fair. And we're
performing. We're performers.

Why don't we take the money
and go to the sci-fi convention?

Then we could buy
collectables.

We're already dressed
for the medieval fair.

Is that why you guys
are wearing those things?

Yeah, mom.

Uh, let's sing a song.
How about that?

♪ Oh, the ♪

♪ Medieval talent
is coming to town ♪

Good morrow!
Good morrow, everyone!

Are ye well rested

Me shrews and frews
and stablesmen?

Aye, look like ye are.

That was an elizabethan
dialect, everyone,

And, uh, all of you
must learn to speak it.

The fairgoers will
expect that from ye lot.

Come up here, brendon.
Okay.

Now, all of you will be
improvising in the character
that you've dressed as, okay?

Um, now, who are you,
brendon?
I'm king arthur.

Me lord.

See? You are the king,
and I must treat you thusly.
Right.

And I am
the wizard moylin.

You mean "merlin"?
Moylin!

Okay.
Okay.

Treat the other characters
based on how they're dressed.

Remember, caste systems were big
in the medieval times.

Okay, like if
I were to talk to,
let's say, um...

Okay, him.
Oh, no.

He's an archer!
No.

- Come hither.
- Come hither.

Yeah?

Aye, thou be
an archer, eh?
Um, yeah.

Thou swaggart!

Thou foolish tart!

Fetch me an ale at once,
thou scurvy-ridden,
rump-fed mud sloth.

Say again?

And he would have to fetch
because a wizard

Is above a common archer
in the caste system.

Okay, you get it,
everyone?
Um, I'm robin hood.

Okay.

Now, brendon,
let's you and I have
a conversation, okay?

Okay.
Everybody, pay attention.

Good morrow, me lord.

By god's breath,
did thou ever see such
a bootful mornin'?

Yeah...
Aye, and watch thy steppeth
in the thicket, me lord.

Huh.
There be archers "aboot"!

Then I would talk?

Okay, all right.
All right. Let's...
Um, yeah... No, no...

Okay, okay. I understand
this is your first time.
I-i-i... Okay.

All right.
Lot of first-timers here.
All first-timers actually.

And, uh, there's
something you can do.
If you have any problem,

I've prepared this list of outs
for all of you, okay?

If a character starts
talking over your head,
you don't understand him,

Pull out the list
and read one of the outs.

You could say, um...

Okay, that's a bad one.
I wrote these this
morning at 6:00, so...

I don't understand, dwayne.
What's the problem?

Remember when we get paid.

Uh, I thought we settled
this already.

No! Cash up front.
We all talk about it.

Cash up front
or we don't play.

No, that wasn't the agreement.
So?

So you work first
and then I pay you.
That's how it works.

So?
So that's what
we're gonna do.

I don't care.
Okay.

Cash up front?
No, no. Cash later.

I don't care.

All right, then go away.
Okay.

Ugh. All right,
we're ready to open.

Uh, where's my blacksmith?

Blacksmith! Blacksmith?

Uh. Come on.

Oh, oh.

Mcguirk, you know we needed
you here in working condition.
Mm-hmm.

Lynch, I'm just a little
hung over, all right?

No problem.
I don't know.
You look bad.

I'm gonna have
to dismiss you.
Lynch, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Um...

Oh, boy.
I don't think so.

I'm fine. I'll be fine.

I just need the job,
all right?

I mean, the money I'm making
from today is already spent.

On what?
On drinks and property.

I met a guy last night.
Bought a shrimp farm.

Aw, mcguirk, are you
still gonna be able to do
the big finale with me?

What?

Did you learn your lines?
Hmm?

Yes. Yes, to what you said.

Okay, okay.
I don't know.
I'm ready for this thing.

The final performance?
Yeah!

The wizard and
the blacksmith?
What? Yes.

Wizard and the blacksmith.
It's all set.

And you'll be able to stay
in character all day?

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, give me an example.
What would you say?

As the blacksmith?
Yes.

What do you want me...
You to... Want me to make you?

What do you want me to make?
No! In elizabethan.

Okay.

What do you want me to make you?
Oh, boy.

Now move.
I'm gonna throw up.

Good morrow, me lord!

May the gods bless ye, aye?

'Tis a measled
hog's hoof, eh?

Nay! And how doth ye
find yeself, me lord, mmm?

And how doth ye
find yeself, hmm?

Uh, pardon me,
good sire. I must tend to
a dragon elsewhere.

Good morrow.

Come, ye all, to the trilogy
of king arthur and robin hood!

A fine piece of drama
done with mine minstrels!

Hey, let's go see it.
Yeah, I like robin hood.

You remind me
of robin hood.

I do?
Yeah.

Yeah?
You have beautiful skin.

Really?

Whoo!

Somebody help him!

Get me out!

Aah!
I'm scared.

Greetings, earthlings.

You jerk!
You made the applecart
fall on walter!

Whoops.

Like my robot, everybody?
Who be you
causing problems here?

I'm from the future,
and I've come to blow up
your planet.

Aye! Run!
Run from the future man!

That's right.
Run! Dork!

Hi, brendon.
Uh, hi, fenton.

Oh, it's not fenton.
It's, uh...
Dr. Neptune.

Yeah.
Cool robot, dr. Neptune.

Yeah. I'm, uh,
just testing her out.

I've, uh, entered it into
the sci-fi robot battles.

I've probably got
a good chance of winning.

You should come
check it out, brendon.

Nah, I gotta stay
and work here. Sorry.

Medieval stuff sucks.
No, it doesn't.
Medieval stuff is cool.

At least it really happened.

Yeah. Yeah, melissa, okay.
Nice nightgown.

What happened? Forget
to dress this morning?

Um, I really like your robot,
dr. Neptune.

Yeah, whatever.
Nice tights, loser.

Your mom know you steal
her clothes?

Uh, no.

I gotta go. See you,
brendon. Bye, dorks!

See you...

He's the full package.

Hello? Hello?

Good morrow, lord arthur.
Well, good morrow,
uh, you.

Me name be helmet,
most magnanimous lord.

Hello, fair maiden!
Good morrow, robin hood.

Good morrow,
helmet.
Hi, weirdo.

I'm here on important business,
me lord.

Investigating.
There be tales,

There be rumbling's amongst
the people of a "future man"

That come here causing ruckus.

Oh, you mean fenton?
Oh, no. He's fine.

He come from the other camp,
claimin' they be sci-fi lovers.

Knockin' over applecarts
and whatnot.

You know, you can talk regular
if you want.

Okay, look. I just want
you guys to know that jerk
who did this is gonna pay.

What are you talking about?
Look, I'm sorry,

But those guys
at the sci-fi convention
are stupid dorks,

And they have been pushing
the medieval people around
for years.

Oh.
This year it's stopping.

We are drawing a line in
the sand, and we're shuttin'
those ray-g*n boys down!

Well, you know, don't go
doin' anything stupid.

I'm off! I will need to consult
my dice for my next step.

I'll keep you informed,
my lord.
Okay. Don't bother.

My king!

Hey! You tore my dress!
Sorry, wench!

Did not see you there.
Farewell!

Wench?
What's all this "my lord"
business? Can it stop?

They're treating him
like that 'cause
he's dressed as the king.

Well, it's getting annoying.
Yeah, it's getting
a little annoying.

Hey, blacksmith.
Why don't you wake up
and make some silver?

Lowly blacksmith has to
wake up! We command it!

Yeah, wake up.

You're supposing
to be blacksmithing.
Yeah, make a broadsword!

Make some chain mail!
Okay?

We're part of
the aristocracy.
Get up, blacksmith!

Do what we say.
We're impatient!

So do it,
you stupid idiot.
Yeah, do it, idiot.

Do it.
Do it, idiot.

Okay, do it.
All right, that's it!

That was awesome.

♪ Many years ago ♪

♪ In the ancient times
of england ♪

♪ On a fateful day
where the fairies played ♪

♪ And the devil crept
in shadows ♪

♪ Two men did meet
in a forest by the brook ♪

♪ And that day would change
the fate ♪

♪ Of these two very famous men ♪

♪ King arthur and robin hood ♪

♪ They met and stared inside
into each other's souls ♪

♪ Two men's souls had left
their soul ♪

♪ The egos playing games
but were they friends
or were they foes ♪

♪ They could have
k*lled each other ♪

♪ Aah, aah, aah ♪

♪ But what's this ♪

♪ The king speaks ♪

I decree before all of england

That i, king arthur,
and robin hood,

From this point on shall be
best friends forever!

Oh. Brilliant piece,
me lord.
Hey, thanks.

Bit of news from
the king's front, me lord.

What?
One of ours has infiltrated
the sci-fi sector incognito.

Yes, yes. Good, good.

And you'll be happy to know,
our nemesis's robot
was indeed thwarted.

All in the name of good
king arthur. God save the king.
God save the king!

Right. Wait.
What did you do now?
Which one of you did this?

Brendon, do you know
anything about this?
No, no. I-i-i...

I have a pretty good
idea that it was somebody
from over here.

Perhaps a wizard cast a spell
on your devil's invention,

Or possibly it was cursed
by an enchanted lute or
a doom goblin, or perhaps...

Enough of that, you stupid...
I don't even know what
you're saying.

I will get to
the bottom of this.

And I swear that my people
will get revenge for
what has been done.

Dr. Neptune away!

Zap you. Zap you.

♪♪

Good morrow, robin hood!
King arthur.

That's me, my friend.

Feels like dragon weather,
doth it?

Aye. Aye.

Something has been
troubling me, my friend.

Doth thou possess my money
that thou borrowed from me
last week?

Ah. Nay, my lord!

Couldst thou come back
perhaps later?
Hmm.

Has thou seen thy king's
treasure chest lately?

Nay, king arthur! Nay.

Because I have noticed that,
sleeping friends,

That my valuables
keep disappearing.

Huh. News to me.

Eh.
Good morrow,
robin hood.

Good morrow, guinevere.
Art thou ready
for our date?

Feels like dragon weather,
does it not?

Guinevere!
Lord arthur.

Date?
Ooh.

Thou art my girlfriend!
Robin hood,

Has thou been stealing my things
and giving them to the poor?
Yes!

And you've stolen
my girlfriend too?
Yes!

And you're giving her
to the poor?
Yes!

Well...
You're giving her to the poor?

That's what I said, yes!

Unsheathe thy sword
and prepare for battle.
No, thou mustn't!

Today we fight to the death!

So be it.

♪ Robin hood crossed the line ♪

♪ Stole arthur's concubine
from him ♪

♪ Their friendship is finished
and it has diminished ♪

♪ Into deception ♪

♪ And so they must fight
the fight ♪

♪ Until the death
to prove who's right ♪

♪ They will battle
through the night ♪

♪ But stop and wait
and look to the skies ♪

♪ A dragon approaches
and there's death
in his eyes ♪

♪ Best to join forces
and fight the beast ♪

♪ You better join forces
or you'll both be deceased ♪

♪ Dragon attack ♪

Bravo, my king.
Bravo!

Hey, yeah. Thanks.

As you can, our numbers
have increased.
Right, right. Uh, great.

It has been brought to
our knowledge that there is
indeed a traitor in our midst.

Uh, yup.

Keep thine eyes open,
my king!

And don't despair.
My men will protect you.
Great.

Am I right, men?
Arthur! Arthur!

Boy, they're ready to k*ll.
They're calling
for the author.

You hear that, brendon?
Yeah, yeah.
Guys, I'll be back, okay?

Good show, me lord!
Ugh.

In me opinion, 'twas a weedy
wayward violet of a performance.
Huh.

And what does thou say to that?

Uh, farewell.

Can I get one of those
caramel-dipped scrolls?

No, a fresh...
No, a fresh one.

A fresh one. It's hot.
These are cold.
These are cold.

Mcguirk, you've been
in there for 45 minutes.
Yeah, whatever.

There are people lined up
for the blacksmith booth.
They want you there.

Lynch, shut up, all right?
I'm having stomach problems.

Get out here. I'm paying
you to play a blacksmith,
not to do what you're doing.

By the way, my lord,
isn't this historically
inaccurate?

Shouldn't I be going outside
in a hole in the ground,

Not in this beautiful
porta-potty?

I'm sure you...
I want one of these.
Put it out on my front lawn.

Piss off my neighbors.
Look, get out here.
Get out here.

I heard you, lynch.
Forget it.
I'm not paying you.

All right, I'm out.

What are you booing?
Whoo!

- I know. I'm sorry.
- Oh, god.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry. That is not
a wand of summoning,
my friend.

No, no! A wand
of summoning has
a pewter coil that...

That's not
a pewter coil!

That is inlaid scrimshaw,
which by the...

Was there whaling in
king arthur's time?
I don't think so.

That's weird
that you would
have scrimshaw.

Brendon. Brendon!
Fenton?

Down here.
What are you doing?

I'm recruiting you.
For what?

We want you to join us.

We?
Affirmative. Our numbers
are back, brendon.

We just need to recruit
someone else from the inside.

Someone else?
Look.

You are either with us
or against us.

Well, I just don't care.
There's always that.

Join us!
No. Don't involve me
in this, fenton, okay?

You will soon regret
the decision you have made.
Mark my words.

Captain neptune away!

Isn't it dr. Neptune?
Dr. Neptune away!

All right.

Oh, no, man.
I could barely
walk out of there.

I didn't know.
I called a cab.
Mcguirk. Mcguirk.

There was no way.
Mcguirk,
put that away.

What?
Put the phone away.

I'm on the phone, lynch.
It doesn't exist.

What... Lynch, I don't wanna
have a philosophical
conversation right now.

Get off the...
Give me that.
What?

Hold on.
Give me that.

What? Lynch, give me
my phone back.

Who is this? Hello?
He's making horseshoes.
Give it back.

Give me my phone back.
Really.

Lynch.
Renaissance...
Okay, good. Okay.

Wow.
Moylin has a phone!
Okay, good-bye.

Everybody!
Moylin has a phone!
Good-bye. Okay, shut up.

Burn him!
Mcguirk, shut up.

Burn him!
Burn him alive!

Uh, sir, you acknowledge
that you are talking

To a chaotic neutral,
eighth level, half-elf
ranger illusionist,

And you treat me
with that respect!

I did not sew these
leather breeches myself

So that I can't get
a goblet of nonalcoholic
mead when I ask for it!

Oh, mighty odin,
where is thy cleansing
thunderbolt?

Brendon.
Yeah.

Don't ever drink
the night before
a medieval fair.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Drink during.

That's what
I should've done.
Okay, back to me.

So fenton and helmet are both
involving me in this stupid
geek fight. And I don't know.

Yeah, so?
So I don't wanna
be involved.

So they're dorks.
Let 'em fight. It'll be funny.

Ever seen two dorks fight?
It's hilarious.
Yeah?

Everybody's saying that
there's a traitor around.
These kids are...

These kids are weird.
They might do something
stupid, you know.

You know what looks good,
brendon?
What's that?

The sci-fi thing.
Oh, not you too.

Oh!
What?

That's what I'm talking about.

Everyone's fighting against
sci-fi and the medieval...

Brendon. Brendon.
What?

That's the way it was.
The medieval people fought
with the sci-fi people.

It's been thousands
of years of that.
Yeah.

That's why they're doing this.
It's a reenactment.

It's just, coach,
I don't know what
I'm supposed to do.

Brendon.
What?
What would you do?

Brendon, look.
What?

Here's four dollars.
Go across the field
and go to that burger place

And get me a double-burger
with cheese.

All right?
No, coach, you're not
supposed to have...

Large fries.
Curly fries.
They didn't have...

Curly fires, brendon.
They didn't have curly fries
back in medieval times.

I can't do that.
We're not in medieval times,
all right?

But...
Turn your head. Look.
There's the burger place.

You can see it from here.

Oh, wait. There's a car.
It just drove by.

No. Now it's going into
the drive-through.

Why are you
yelling at me?

Because go get me one!
All right!

You want one?
Yes.

♪ And so ♪

♪ The dragon has been slain ♪

♪ And now king arthur
and robin hood must decide ♪

♪ If they still want to do
what they were going to do ♪

♪ And fight to the death ♪

♪ But what's it gonna be ♪

Attack!

Kids, stop. Stop.

You're breaking that.
Put that down. Put that...

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

So you were the traitor,
melissa?
Yup.

And so, what? You got the robes
and you led them into the fair?
Yeah.

Wow, melissa.
Sometimes you impress me.

Yeah, well.
Yeah, but why?

You didn't seem to care about
that sci-fi stuff at all.
Oh, I don't.

Then why did you do it?
Brendon, helmet ripped my dress
and he called me a wench.

Ohh.
Yeah. You rip a girl's dress,
you call her a wench...

You're asking for it.
Oh.

Girl power.
Good, yes.

Thanks.
Power to the ladies.

Brendon, I stole this.

Is that pig's head?
Eew.

- It's ceramic.
- Ohh.

Yeah, I'm gonna give it
to my dad.
Take it off, jason.

Don't eat me.

So what are you guys
talking about?

Nothing.
Nothing.

Brendon,
how was the fair?

Actually, it was pretty much
the same as last year.

Perry?
Yeah?

This is the best day
I've ever had.

Good night.
Good night.

Sleep tight.
Okay! You too!

Perry?
Yeah?

Are you up?
Yeah! I can't sleep!
Can you?

No!

Oh, I got the giggles!