03x07 - My Cheatin' Heart

[bunniefuu]

My father taught me a poem
when I was a kid.
You wanna hear it?

Is this something you feel
compelled to do?

Well, I mean, I am here
and I got the poem
locked and loaded.

Okay. Go ahead then.

You ready?
Yeah.

Uh, somethin', somethin',
somethin' run.

I'm paraphrasin' here.

Somethin', somethin',
somethin' sun.

That's, uh, nice.

It's good to have, like,
poems from childhood I think.

Yeah, your father you say
read that to you?

Yeah, I think he wrote it.

Did he?
Yeah.

Great. Except for the parts
you don't remember.

Well, yeah,
but I mean the idea of it.

The fact that he read it
to me every night.

I mean, I remember that
crystal clear.

I got you. Thanks for what
you sorta tried to kinda
do for brendon.

Helpin' out your kid?
That's what I was tryin' to do.

No problem, you know.
Always here to help out.

Especially brendon. You know,
I like him and stuff.

Well, today you did good.
Thanks, andrew.

Okay, pal, let's go.
Hey, hold up, officer.

You're a lawyer,
right, andrew?
Yeah, I'm not that kind of...

Oh, what kind of...
More out of court litigation.
Not really...

So you can't help out
on this one?

Not so much.
Okay, let's go.

I found it. I found the foot.
Brendon, I found the foot.

It is finished.
The clock has stopped.

I have found the foot.

Uh, brendon.
Yeah.

Why is she doin' that?
I have no idea.

What a week.

We show the movie backwards.
It'll be cool.

It opens with
the ending and it ends with
the beginning. It's backwards.

Brendon.
Brendon, brendon, brendon.

You can't just make
a movie backwards.

Oh, no, no, no.
I can. I can.
See, that's the new thing.

All the directors
are doing it, so...

But, brendon, if we show
the ending first, then won't
that give away the ending?

Yeah. But no, no, no, because
it's not really the ending.

Brendon, the movie's
already written.
Right.

Forwards.
Right.

Yeah.
Right.

So it's in order already.
Right.

So you can't change it
and just make it backwards.

No, I can.
All the directors are doing it.

Yeah, brendon, but those
directors are hacks,

And they're just
looking for a hook.

Let's sh**t the last scene which
is, uh, now the opening scene.
Uh, you'll see.

Okay, last scene. Action.

No, larry, let me tell you
how it's gonna be.

I'm going out there
and walking down that aisle.

Oh, thank you, cathy.

Alone, in the other direction.

Down the aisle
and out the door.

That's what happens when you
have an affair with my sister
the night before our wedding.

Cathy, can't you
give me another chance?

Look, larry, the only
thing I'm gonna do...

Wait. The only thing is...
Wait. Can we do it again?
I screwed it up.

Nope. Cut. Perfect.
But I messed up.

I'll fix it in post.
You always say you're gonna fix
it in post, but you don't.

Next scene, which is really
the next to last scene. Okay.

Action.
You had an affair
with my sister?

Cut. Perfect.
I don't know, brendon.

We'll fix it in post.
That's a wrap
for today, guys.

My dad's comin'
to pick me up.

I gotta agree
with jason and melissa.

You can't just
show a movie backwards.

It wouldn't make sense.
You don't understand.

Head down.
Interlock the fingers.

Stick your butt out.
Right.

Bend your knees.
Okay.

Okay, lean on
the ba*ls of your feet.

Hey, this isn't
very comfortable.

No, no, it's okay. You're fine.
And move closer to the ball.

Okay. Wait a minute.
Just relax.

Okay.
Okay. You relaxed?

Not really.
Put your head down.

Okay, swing! Swing!
It took me 20 minutes
to get like this.

Swing now.
No!

You can't think about it.
You just have to swing.

Okay. Sorry.

You know,
golf's a great game, brendon.

It teaches discipline,
humility, sportsmanship,

Math...
I'm a huge fan
of all those things.

Of course you are.

And it's something
we can do together.
That's the whole thing.

That's why I signed you up
for some golf lessons.

What?
It'll be fun.

I'm not really sure
that golf is for me.

Oh, no. It is though.

It is.
Yeah.

Oh.
It's great.

Okay then.

Hey, wow.
Nice shot, dad.
Thanks, brendon.

Sorry!

Good reflexes, melissa.
For a minute there I thought
the ball was gonna hit you.

Anyway, brendon, a backwards
movie doesn't make any sense.

Especially if you get
to the movies late like me.

I'd hate to show five minutes
into the movie and found out
I missed the ending.

It's called logic.
All right?
Yeah.

I think your father's
right about golf. Great game.

Really?
Yeah.
You should take it up.

You do?
Yeah.

I used to golf
in high school.
Really?

I almost made it
to the state finals.
What happened?

I didn't.

Oh.
I choked, all right?

Okay.
But not the way
you think.

I choked my opponent.
Oh.

Yeah. I got mad 'cause he was
beating me, so I choked him.

Oh.
And apparently
you can't do that.

Well, there you go.

But I got my just rewards.

I waited for him
in the parking lot afterwards
and I took his clubs.

Who's the winner
in that situation?
You.

You want a trophy
or a set of golf clubs?
Golf clubs.

Golf clubs. Yes.

Want me to help you
with your golf or what?
No thanks.

Melissa, are you comfortable?

Yes. I'm good.
Can I get you a chair?

No thanks, coach.
Maybe just something to drink.

I don't think
she gets sarcasm, brendon.

Go get her some juice.
Okay.

And a chair.

I don't know, brendon.
Showing a movie backwards
just sounds silly.

Did you see
that movie memento though?
Yes.

That was a great movie.
Yeah.

Hit another one, brendon.

Don't lift your head.
Okay.

Sunset boulevard opened
with the main character
dead in a pool.

Yeah.
Yup. Hit another
one, brendon.

What if you opened with
the middle of the movie,

Or what if you open
with the beginning

Then showed the ending
and ended with the middle?

Hit another one.
My arms are tired.

Brendon, you think
a champion complains
about his arms being tired.

Yes.
Well, hit another one then.

Here's the deal.

Mm-hmm.
I think it's just maybe
a little too avant-garde.

Mm-hmm.
Right. It's not that
the movie is stupid.

It's just that the way
you wanna do it is stupid.
Mm-hmm.

Right. It's the hook.
Backwards.

The backwards hook
is not the right way to go.

Do you hear
where we're coming from?
'Cause the hook is hack.

Mm-hmm. Well, that's
interesting, guys,

'Cause everybody I talked to
thinks it's a great idea.
Really?

Mm-hmm.

So who have you talked to?

Other hack directors?
Mm-hmm.

You call
the hack hotline?
Mm-mm.

Plus, we're just giving you
constructive criticism.
Yeah.

It's supposed to help the movie.
It's called process.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Right, melis'?
Yeah. We love you
and your work.

We're just not very happy
about this particular process.

Although, although...

Mm-hmm?
You have made some
hack movies in the past.

There's no question
about that.
Let's not talk about the past.

Let's just focus
on the present.

Well, I'm just saying, a lot of
brendon's work is derivative.

But whatever. It seems
like almost a parody

To make a backwards movie
right after one came out.

But you're the director.

Let's keep going
with how you wanna do it,

But if it doesn't work,
can we do it the regular way?

Can we?
Mm-hmm.

We can? Promise?
Mm-hmm.

Do you have
your fingers crossed?
Mm-mm.

Do you have
anything crossed?
Mm-mm.

Brendon, you're
crossing your eyes.

Mm-hmm.

Totally hack move.
Mm-hmm.

♪♪

Oh, mom, come on.

How much longer
is this gonna be?
It's only been an hour.

How come josie gets
so many ear infections anyway?
I don't know, honey.

Maybe you don't clean
her ears good enough.
That's probably it.

Hey, can you
talk to dad for me?

Nope.
But I don't like golf.

Neither do i.

Ms. Small?
Yeah?

The doctor's
ready for josie.

Finally.
Got you. Nurse, give me
a couple minutes here.

You're not ready?
Yeah, I almost got it.

Ms. Sullivan?

Mom!
Ah! Damn!

You can take that
in with you.

Brendon, hurry up.
Come on. Let's go.

Putt, brendon, putt.

Hey, how about that?

Well, okay. Very good.
That's a 14.

Not bad.
That's better than 15
as we say.

Not bad actually.
That's the game of golf.
That's the rush.

There's the rush of adrenalin.
You feel it?
Yeah.

So your total score is...
Uh-huh.

All right.

How's it goin' over there?
Hmm?

Still figuring out
my score?
What's that there?

How am I doin'?
Not so bad there.

Okay.
Couple more holes
to add up there, brendon.

Okay.
Triple bogey, quintuple
bogey, quintuple bogey.

Mike?
126.

Hey, nice.
For nine holes.

I don't say this often,
but you're a terrible golfer.

Well, um,
if it's any consolation,
I actually don't really care.

Well, that's not
the attitude to have.
I know.

I just figured
I'd be honest with you.

You gotta learn
to love this game.

See, that's the tough part.
I hate it.

Well, I can't
help you then.
All right.

Are we through?
I think so.
Can I get that scorecard?

I can't believe
they use pencils.

You shot a 94?

Mm-hmm.
Brendon, that's great.

Well, thank you.
It's really easy once you...

Of course it is.

Look, I'm playing with a
prospective client this weekend.

He's bringing his son
to the game.
Yeah.

Why don't you play too?

Oh, uh, this weekend?
Not good.

Come on.
Okay, dad, I'm gonna be honest.
I changed my score.

It doesn't matter.
What matters is you and I
are gonna play golf.

I'll pick you up sunday
at 6:45.

We're playing at night?
Ha! That's funny.

Funny guy.
See you then, partner.

Dad? Hello? Hello?

Mom?

This is gonna
drive me crazy.

Dad wants me
to play golf with him.
Ugh!

And I don't want to play
and I'm not very good.

I lied about my score and he
didn't care, but he wants me
to play, so I gotta do it.

You know what
I'm saying? Mom!

What?
I said I lied
about my score.

You don't have to
play golf, brendon.

Did you take that
from the doctor's office?

Isn't that what
you're supposed to do?

Brendon, what are you
doing here so early?

Our game isn't
for another five minutes.

I'm in trouble,
coach mcguirk.

All right.
What's her name?
What?

No, not girl trouble.
Golf... Golf trouble.

I finished my lessons,
and I'm...
What's the difference, huh? Hmm.

Uh.
Ah.

I finished my lessons,

And I'm still terrible,

And now I'm playing with
my father on sunday so...

Uh-huh. Now you want
my help, right?
Yes.

All right,
so you've had the best,
mm-hmm.

Now you want the...
Wait a minute.
Okay.

I just don't wanna embarrass
myself with my father.

I said wait a minute, brendon.
Oh.

You've had the rest, now
you want the best. There you go.
Mm-hmm.

Sunday, huh?
Yeah.

That only gives me a few days,
but I'll do it.
Mm-hmm.

Here's the plan. Meet me
first thing tomorrow morning
at the driving range

And wear a hat.
What for?

You wanna learn how
to play golf, right?
Yeah.

So you gotta have a hat.
Okay.

Coach, what are you doing
with the soccer ba*ls?

Leveling the playing field,
brendon.

Leveling the playing field.
Hmm? Brendon?

I love how you just
said that to me.

Goal!

Melissa!
Yeah?

If it went any slower, you'd
be able to read the labeling!
I did!

What does it say?
Wilson!

Like that movie.
Yeah! He grew
that long beard!

I know. It was cool.
He loved wilson!

I know. He gained like
40 pounds, and then
he lost like 80!

He's a great actor.

Did he win
an academy award
for that one?

- I don't know.
- I don't watch that...

Okay.

Head up. Head up.
Feet down.

Arms, uh...
Arm's right there.

Hips. Hips moving, okay.
Eyes open. Open.

Hands... There they are.
Hand on club.

Oh! Other way.

Okay.

Coach mcguirk? What are you
doing walking down the middle
of the driving range.

I could've k*lled you.

Well, the way you're hittin',
brendon, I reckon

Walkin' directly in front
of you is just about the safest
place for a man to be.

Why are you talking
like that?

Ow! Son of a b*tch!

Sorry! What the hell you doi"
on the driving range?

I'm trying to help a kid!

Are you sure
you're okay?
Fine.

I've been hit by
golf ba*ls before.
Oh.

The first thing you gotta do
is learn some golf etiquette.

You don't think
just hitting the ball is...
Oh, so you know everything, huh?

You want me to leave?
You wanna do this by yourself?
No.

You know golf so good.
No, I don't.

Number one,
where's your hat?
Right here.

All right.
Here we go.

Let's say you just sank
a 25-foot putt, right?
Mm-hmm.

You win a championship.
Okay.

What would you do?
Oh, uh, I don't know.

Wrong. You tip your hat
and wave to the crowd.

All right? It's a golf joke.
It's funny.
Mm-hmm.

Doesn't hurt to be a clown
on the course, brendon.
Okay.

Let me see you
tip your hat.

Hey. How's it goin'?
How do you do? Look at me.
Yeah.

Goofin' around.

See, that's funny.
All right, now.
Goofin' it down.

Very good. That's enough.
Thank you.

Let me see that swing
of yours.
Okay.

Ready?
Mm-hmm.

Okay. Windin' up. And...
There you go.

And ready.

Good setup.
Thank you.
And...

Bring it back.

Oof.
Mmm.

Wow, you suck.
You're so weak.

You gotta lift the club.
I am lifting the club.

Too heavy for you?
No. Let me just
try it again.

Ugh.

Brendon.
Yeah?

I think it's time to level
the playing field.

Okay, i, um, edited
some of the stuff we did,

And, uh, I think
you're gonna like it.

Oh, my god!
What did you do?
It was an accident.

Where's ginger?
I... I don't know.
Somewhere.

I need my pills!

I'll get 'em for you, dad!

I need my pills!
You did this!

No.
Dad, stop!

I can't find ginger.
Ginger's my father's
favorite fish.

Please tell me
this isn't...
Ginger!

- Oh.
- What's going on down there?

My father's coming!

Do you think
I'm a horrible person?
No, I think you're very pretty.

I don't mean horrible to look
at. I mean horrible because
you're my sister's fiancé,

And we just had an affair.
Oh, that. Yeah.

She must never
know about us.
No argument here, baby.

I'll go check on
your shirt.
Okay, I'll look at the fish.

Hey, stupid fish.

Oh, no.

What was that, larry?
Nothing.

Uh, could I borrow
your car?

Larry! What did you do?

Your shirt'll be ready
in a little while.

Oh, that's okay. It feels
pretty good with it off.

Wow. Do you work out?
Oh, yeah. Sometimes.
You know, when I get a chance.

Yeah. You know,
you remind me a lot of kathy.
Well, we are twins.

Right. Right. Right.

I love the way fish wiggle.
It makes me wanna dance.

- You are wild!
- And I love that pickle juice.

Whoops.
Did I spit on you?
A little bit. I don't mind.

Wait'll you meet my father.
He's crazy.

Oops. Sorry.
There I go being clumsy.

Better take off that shirt
and let me wash it.

Hey, do you want
a glass of wine?
Sure.

I'm larry, kathy's fiancé.
Nice to meet you, larry.
I'm mary, kathy's sister.

Kathy's not here.
Wow. Your hands
are very soft.

I soak them in pickle juice.
Really?

No, but I like saying it
'cause it's funny, and
I'm kind of wild like that.

Come on in.
Oh.

So, uh, what do
you guys think?

Um, it's backwards.
Sucks this.
Get it?

That's backwards
for "this sucks."

Yeah?
Yeah.

Any, uh...
Anything else?

You made the plot
go backwards.

Yeah, yeah.
If you wanna know what I think,
I have to be honest.

Mm-hmm.
It's backwards.

Mm-hmm.
Can we flip it?

Jason, do you agree? Like,
it's just kind of hard to...
I...

I don't wanna have to keep
broaching the same thing,
but, um, a hack...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Uh, we'll fix it in post.
Hey, guys, what are you doing
on sunday?

Hey, can we start?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Do you guys mind if we wait
like one more minute?
Just like a...

What's wrong?
Uh, nothing. Nothing.
It's just, uh...

We should just, uh... You know,
we were supposed to be...
7:03 Was the tee.

I don't know what
we're waiting for.

Look, reed, I'm really sorry.
The kid is a great golfer.

He shot a 94 the other day.

Really? Wow.
What the... Who's that?

Oh, geez.
Brendon, what's
mcguirk doing here?

My caddy.
Caddy?

Yes.
Your caddy?

It's just...
He's helping me, dad.

Sorry I'm late, guys.
I had to wait

Till the sun was in
the right position
to get that effect

Walkin' up the fairway.
Nice.

Yeah.
Well done.

Your his caddy?

Yeah, bagger mcguirk's the name.
Golfing's my game.

Are you wearing
soccer cleats?

Yeah. I don't have
golf cleats.

Reed, this is
my son's soccer coach.

I don't know what he's...
Soccer coach?

Yeah.
Bagger mcguirk.

Yeah, that's terrific.
Mm-hmm.

So can we play?

Okay, let's play a little
father-son golf now.

All right!
Let's play ball!

Sweet shot, sir.
Thank you.

I reckon that ball would thank
you for the ride if it could.

Could you stop doing that now?
What? Doin' what?

The whole thing.
The bagger...

Bagger.
Yeah, bagger mcguirk.

I'd appreciate that, too.

Actually it is kind of
getting annoying.

You made your point.
You made your point.
Tone down on the bagger.

Yeah, that'd be great.
Go ahead, son.

There you go.

There you go, right down
the middle, sir,

Like a bead of sweat
down the middle of a woman's...

I thought you were gonna...
Sorry, was I
doin' it again?

Your kid's got quite
a shot there.
Thank you.

You're up, brendon.
Right. My turn.

Go ahead, brendon.
Just let me talk this over
with my caddy really quickly.

Sure this is gonna work?
Just hit it
into the woods.

The woods. What do you
think I should use, caddy?
Bagger.

Bagger. What do you
think I should use?
Just pick a club.

Ah, yes, yes.

Son, stand back.
Boy, here I am with a club
and not a baby seal in sight.

Now, um...

Let's go, brendon.
A little swing there.

Hit the ball, brendon.
Let her fly.

All right. Gettin' ready.
You know, it's funny...

Hit the ball!
Hit it!

Into the woods.
Too bad, brendon.

Geez, all that time for that?
He opened up
his left shoulder.

Say, melissa.

Yeah?
You know what
you're doing?

When you say "now,"
I'm gonna throw the ball.

Let's come up with
a better word than "now"
'cause that could mess up.

Why?
When I say...

Shouldn't you be watching?

He already hit?
I don't know.

I think he did.
Say "now"
and I'll throw the ball.

Just throw it now.

You have to wait
till you see him hit.
Now.

Did he hit it?
I don't know.
Just throw it.

Okay.

Hey, it's early in the day.
He'll make par.

Wait a minute.
Your ball found bark.

Hit a tree. Came out.

All right! Looks like luck
is on your side, brendon.

Damn right!
Yeah, yeah. Lucky.

That's me, you know.

I probably will have a lot
of great shots like that today.

What's the matter
with your eye?
Nothing.

Why are you winking at me?

Hey, nice way to hit the ball
a long way into the hole.

Should have made birdie.
Yeah, well, I made birdie
before I left the house.

Well, finish it up, brendon.

Oh! Okay, that's...

Oh!
Whoops!

Okay, just tip...
Pick it up, brendon.

Hold on. Wait.

Just mark him down
for a 20 and let's go.

Hey! I saw that!
You moved your ball!

No, it was an accident.
You're cheating.
I saw you.

No, I was stretching my back.

With my... My knee
went out when... With my foot
and it hit the ball.

But it was reflex.
Dad, were you cheating?

You better believe it, brendon.
I'm gettin' k*lled here.
Dad!

You admit it!
Yeah!

Look, it's part of the game.
It's golf. We all suck.

Dad!
Why else would you use a pencil
to keep score in a game?

Dad!
Well, I don't cheat.

Dad, I've been cheating
all day too!

Thanks, brendon, but you
don't have to cover for me.

I'm a cheater.
No, no!

Andrew, he's tellin'
the truth.

Hey, you can't drive
a cart onto a green!

What are they gonna do,
call the police?
Yes!

Andrew?
They might.

Oh.

Small, this is too much.
Come on, son.

We're out of here.
We're playin' through.

Bye.
Dad, you just
lost a client.

I didn't want to work with
that guy anyway. He's an a*s.

He's not a cheater
like us.
Yeah.

Andrew, uh, I helped him.
I taught him to cheat.

He's a really terrible golfer
and he's a bad soccer player.
He's a good cheater.

And melissa and jason
helped me too.

You can
come out now, guys!

Hi, how's it goin'?
Hi.

Andrew, you're
a lucky guy to have
a son like brendon.

I know.

My father taught me a poem
when I was a kid.

You wanna hear it?
Is this something you feel
compelled to do?

Well, I mean, I am here
and I got the poem
locked and loaded.

Okay. Go ahead then.

You ready?
Yeah.

Uh, somethin', somethin',
somethin' run.

I'm paraphrasin' here.

Somethin', somethin',
somethin' sun.

That's, uh, nice.

It's good to have, like,
poems from childhood I think.

Yeah, your father you say
read that to you?

Yeah, I think he wrote it.

Did he?
Yeah.

Great. Except for the parts
you don't remember.

Well, yeah,
but I mean the idea of it.

The fact that he read it
to me every night.

I mean, I remember that
crystal clear.

I got you. Thanks for what
you sorta tried to kinda
do for brendon.

Helpin' out your kid?
That's what I was tryin' to do.

No problem, you know.
Always here to help out.

Especially brendon. You know,
I like him and stuff.

Well, today you did good.
Thanks, andrew.

Okay, pal, let's go.
Hey, hold up, officer.

You're a lawyer,
right, andrew?
Yeah, I'm not that kind of...

Oh, what kind of...
More out of court litigation.
Not really...

So you can't help out
on this one?

Not so much.
Okay, let's go.

I found it. I found the foot.
Brendon, I found the foot.

It is finished.
The clock has stopped.

I have found the foot.

Uh, brendon.
Yeah.

Why is she doin' that?
I have no idea.

What a week.