03x09 - Storm Warning

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, guys.
How are ya?
Hi.

I was drivin' by,
saw the lights on,
so I figured I'd stop in.

Brendon, how are you?
Not bad, how are you?

Good practice today.
Thank you.

Good coaching.
Thank you.

Paula, I'm starting to visit
the kids at night now more.

Coach, you parked on the lawn.
Do you realize that?

I thought that was a driveway.
No, that's the lawn.

Oh. Um, actually
the real reason I came, paula,
was I gotta ask you a favor.

Uh-huh?
My sister's coming into
town, right? Friday night.

It's just a layover.
She's at the airport,
so, um, I would appreciate it

If you'd come to the airport
with me to say hi to her

While she's waiting
for her connecting flight.

I don't think
I know your sister.

That doesn't matter. You don't
have to know her to say hi.

Why would I go with you to
the airport and say hi to your
sister who I've never known?

Well, all the other moms
said no.

So this is kind of
a last-ditch effort

Before I have to
hire an escort.
You need an escort?

I wanted you to pretend
you were my fiancée
so she wouldn't worry.

John, if we weren't going
to the movies, I would...

Mom, we're not going
to the movies.
Yeah.

Here's the thing, paula.
My sister's a lot different
than me.

I'm freewheeling, you know.
I'm in for a good time.

My sister's a little
more conservative.
She's very religious.

Uh-huh.
So she worries
about me a lot.

Because I don't live like her...
I live a little loose.

You know what I mean?
Yeah.

And that's good for me 'cause
I like loose. All right?
Yeah.

We go around once, paula,
on this crazy planet.

I'm sorry I can't
help you out, john.

Paula, listen.
It's only two hours, right?
Uh-huh.

We'll go out to the airport.
Uh-huh.

I'll introduce you
to my sister.

I'll say, "donna."
That's my sister's name.
Uh-huh.

I'll say, "donna,
this is my fiancée paula."

Wait, your what?
My fiancée.

That's what I was thinkin'.
You'd be my fiancée.

You want to introduce me
as your fiancée?

Yeah. Yeah. Then my sister
will be very proud of me.

I met somebody...
So this is a "roose."

It's a what?
A "roose."

What's a "roose"?
It's a ruse.

Oh, it's a ruse.
It's a ruse.

What's wrong with you?
What's a "roose?"
Even I know that.

She meant ruse.
Brendon knew it.

You know,
it's late, john.
Paula.

I'm not taking part
in your charade.

Mom, you can go
as like an actor...
No!

Wait a minute.
Am I smarter than you?

No, you've just...
Because I knew that word.

I'm sleep deprived now,
all right? I'm sleep deprived.

I'm just saying this has never
happened to me before.

This is the first time
he's been smarter than anyone.

'Cause brendon is smart.
He is smart.

It's just weird how it happens.
Sometimes dumb people
have smart kids.

I'll just, um...

Paula, come with me
to the airport.

You know...
You can bring brendon.

No!
We're dating and I'm
his father and he loves me.

Yeah.
This is getting
out of hand.

Paula, this is good.

Yeah.
Brendon, hop on.

All right.
Look at this, paula.
Huh?

Paula, get over here.
Let me put my arm around you.

Now look
in the mirror.
No.

Somebody take
a picture,
no!

'Cause this is the happiest
family I've ever seen.

We've got some nasty weather
heading our way.

Exercise a little caution over
the next couple of days.

Man, I hate that guy.
This is your g-g-g-goofy
weatherman.

I like that part though.

Hey, coach, let's do
the "you're the dummy" thing.
All right.

Ready?
Yeah.

You're the dummy.
No, you're the dummy.

No, you're the dummy.
You're the dummy.

You're the dummy.
I said you're the dummy.

You're the dummy.
No, you're actually the dummy.

No, you really, really,
really are the dummy.
All right, I'm the...

Wait a minute!
Good night.

♪♪

Mr. Peelberger?
Mm-hmm?

Is it true that this movie
is the first installment
of a six-part trilogy?

Yes. Yes it is.
Huh.

Mr. Peelberger.
Mm-hmm?

Did you know you were going
to make movie history?

You know, that's
a good question. Um...

Nobody really ever knows
if they're going to
make movie history.

But I wanted
to make sure that I did,

So that's why I changed
the name of the movie

Which was originally
entitled planet battles
to movie history.

So when anybody asked me what
I was working on I would say,
"I'm making movie history."

And you did.
And I did.

You made a film
called movie history.

Well, let's just say
I made movie history.

Say it.
Say it.

You're making movie history.
I'm making movie history.

So, stan, what was it like
working on movie history

With an all-star cast
and an all-star director?

It was actually
an amazing experience.

One that I will never forget
and always remember.

What was it like
to work with julie bobb?

Um, it was great.
Which one is she again?

I'm kidding.

Anything going on between you
two that we should know about?

Well, we're having sex.
That's terrific.

Are you signed on
to do the prequel?
They're doing a prequel?

Brendon, this is stupid.
Cut.

Sorry. Cut.

Brendon?
Yeah.

This is stupid.
No, it's not.

I think it is.

I'm doing a good job.

It's not that you're
not doing a good job.

I just think the
concept is stupid.

Well, who cares
about the concept
when I'm doing a good job?

Melissa, don't...
I guess if it's
not about you...

That's not true. I'm thinking
about the whole movie.

Why don't we do this.
Jason, you take five.
Melissa, we'll do your scene.

Okay.

Hi, mr. Fieldsmore?

It's paula small.
How are you?

My secretary said
this was an emergency.
Oh, it is, marty.

See, I've been working on a book
for about eight years now...
You're a slow reader.

That's funny.
Thank you.

I should clarify and say
I've been writing a book

For eight years
and I think it's ready.
I'd love for you to read it.

I mean, you haven't read
anything of mine, in what,
probably ten years?

Who is this?
Paula small.

I know that, but who the hell
is paula small?

You represented me when
I wrote a couple of articles
for out of ink magazine.

Anyway, after that, I got
married and I had a couple kids,

And, uh, taught creative
writing, and in all that time,

I have never stopped
working on my novel.

Well, I admire your
perseverance, paula,
but that's about it.

And just for the record,
I have never talked to you
before in my life.

What?
You dealt with my father.

Oh, I didn't know he had a son.
Yeah, he didn't tell
a lot of people.

Well, can I speak
with your father?
Not right now. He's dead.

Julie, your career
has taken quite a turn.

Oh, my gosh, yeah.
Lots of turns.
And curves, too.

You now command the highest fee
of any actress in the history
of "actressessing."

To what do you attribute
your success?

They're called boobs, pat.

But you weren't simon
peelberger's first choice
for the role of lucy.

No, I wasn't.
Were you?

I wasn't. You've done
your research.

Yes, I have. They're on
these little blue cards.

Brendon. Brendon, um,
this is stupid.

Now that I'm doing it,
it's stupid.
Yeah.

When you did it, it wasn't
stupid, but now it's stupid.

The difference is
I was doing a decent job.
According to you.

Well, you're also playing a
fairly stereotypical character.

Jason, stop looking
at my fake boobs.

I can't. I can't.
I can't move my eyes.

So, that's basically it.

It's a story of sex,
m*rder, extortion, revenge,
blackmail and sex.

What do you think?
Send me your draft
and I'll read it.

Oh, great.
This is great.

But let me just
touch it up a bit.

Paula, I'm going on vacation
for four weeks,

So I'll read it
when I come back.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

I've waited so long.
Please, take it with you
on vacation and read it.

Okay, but I'm leaving
tomorrow night at 6:00.

I'll get it to you. I just wanna
punch it up a little bit.

Just get it over here
by 6:00, okay?

Don't worry,
I'll drop it off myself.
I'm not worried, paula.

It doesn't make any difference
to me one way or another.
Well, uh...

Paula, I'm hanging up.
Okay, well, I'll bring it...

Oh. Bye.

Brendon?
Yeah?

What's wrong with your mom?
Why won't she pose
as my girlfriend?

She's not really
into going out.

Who wants to sign
our petition?

Yeah, who wants to
sign our petition?
What's it for?

They're cutting down
the old elm tree
in the town center.

And we want to save it.
Yea!

That tree is an eyesore.
Good. Good riddance.
Get rid of trees.

Yeah, isn't it like
old and dying?
Yeah.

Why do you guys
want to save it anyway?

Because that tree
has been there a long time

And we want future generations
to enjoy it...

Too.
Also.

And everybody,
we peed on it one time.

Perry, don't tell them that.

We never pee on it.
We didn't pee on it.

All we need is ten thousand
signatures by today

At 6:00 and they won't
cut the tree down.

Yea!

Ten thousand?
That's a lot.

How many signatures
do you guys have?

We have, um...

800...
600 And 70...

But all those names
are yours.

Yeah.

You're supposed to get
other people to sign it.
No, you're not.

You can't just have
400 walters and 400 perrys.

Yes, as long as
they're signatures.
Yeah, if they're signatures.

I don't think that's how it works.
But that's what they said.

I think they're supposed
to be different people's.

Why don't you guys just
finish signing them?
Why do you need us?

Because my hand hurts.
Mine does too.

Hey, coach, looks like
we got some time here.

Do you wanna be
in my mockumentary?
No.

It's like a fake documentary.

I know what
a mockumentary is.

I don't want to be in it.
All right?

All right.
Can I give you a script?
No.

Melissa, give him a script.
Here's the script.

You're an actor who's k*lled in
the first minute of the movie.

Hey, I said
I wasn't doin' it.

Tell him what
the name of the movie is.

It's called movie history.

So it's about the history
of movies or somethin'?

No, that's a joke title.
The idea is that the director
changed the name from

Planet battles to movie
history, so he can say
he's making movie history.

Oh. Well, I don't
like joke titles.
Yeah. Me neither.

So I'm interviewing you and
your name is brad badman, okay?

Melissa, roll it.

- Brendon, I'm not doin' it.
- Action.

So, brad, you get k*lled...
Brendon, turn your camera off.

Should I turn the camera off?
Turn the camera off.

So, brad, you get k*lled
40 seconds into the movie.

- Did that bother you?
- Coach, you're brad.

Yeah, you're brad.

How long you gonna
do this, brendon? Hmm?

It's a real short scene.
You just...
Start with "no."

Just start with "no."
And, action!

You get k*lled
40 seconds into the movie.
Did that bother you?

Brendon, tell me,
why should I do this? Hmm?

'Cause you look good on...
You look good.
What's in it for me?

Copy for your demo reel.
Helpin' out kids.

Helpin' out kids, um...

What if, brendon, you get
your mom to come with me

On friday night
to meet my sister and then
I'll do your movie part.

Okay, how about this, coach?
Yeah?

I will try as hard as I can
to get her to go with you
to the airport.

If I do this part.

If you do the part.
All right.

So, brad, you get k*lled
40 seconds into the movie...

Wait, so who am I here?
Brad.

Which one is that?
Brad badman.

All right,
now what am I doin'?

There are words underneath
each time it says brad.

Right.
Just read those words.

Let's change my name.
How about that?

We can't really do that
'cause we make references to it.

So what? I'll just say
my name's jeff.

But tell him
the last name, brendon.
It's brad badman.

No, it's jeff schwartz.

Okay. So jeff, you get k*lled
40 seconds into the movie.
Did that bother you?

It's on the script.

- Where?
- We're on page 17.

It's where it says brad.
Oh, right, right, right.

Well, let's change it to jeff
so I know what I'm reading here.

All right,
I'll mark it off.

Melissa, give me a pen.

- Here.
- Get the man a pen, please.

Here.
Okay, mark it up.
All right. Good.

Okay.
So go ahead.

And action.

So, brad.
Jeff.

- Can I see the pen?
- Here.

Thank you.
Take two.

So, jeff, you get k*lled
40 seconds into the movie.
Did that bother you?

"No. Well, I mean everybody
wants to be in a movie...

"For more than forty seconds,
but when you think about...

"With the short aspen...
Attention spans... Today,

"40 Seconds is, um...

A long time."

Brad, did you...
Give me the pen.
I forgot to change one brad.

It's starting to rain.
Why don't we just cut?
That's a wrap.

I'm not done.
I got a couple more lines.
We're all set.

Yeah, what do you want?

Perry, she's hideous.

- What are ya mumblin' about?
- Nothing. Nothing.

Well, what do you want?

Tell her, walter.
Speak up!

Let's both tell her.
Okay.

Miss, would you like
to sign a petition to keep
the big elm tree?

No.

Rude.

Paula, here's
a compromise, all right?

I take a few pictures. I'll show
my sister. She'll smile.

Everybody's happy. No harm done.
You don't leave your house.

Look, I've got to get
this done, all right?
I'm trying to concentrate.

Just say yes and I'll stop
bothering you about it.
I'm kind of busy here.

Tell your mom
what I did for you.
He bought me a cup of coffee.

I'm talking about
the movie thing.

Oh, yeah. Mom, coach
helped me with a movie today.

Yeah, I helped your son.
He helped me out.

Okay, fine, fine.
You win. I'll do it.

All right, great.
That's all I need.

Okay, how about this?
Coach, go over by my mom.

Just lean in a little bit
paula, do you mind?

Yeah, okay, just take it.

You guys look so stiff...
Like a couple of hot dogs.

- I'll put my arm around.
- How's that?

I'm sorry.
This looks terrible.

Okay, I thought this was
going to take a lot less time.

Well, just, okay,
you want one natural picture.

I'm natural.
Just take it, brendon.

Okay. Ready?
And... There we go.

Now be goofy with each other.
Be like, "hey, we have a lot of fun."

Yeah, that's a good idea.
Like pretend like we're happy.

Act like you just told a joke
and something's really funny.

Okay, good. Thanks.
I wasn't laughing, brendon.

Okay, that was good.
No, 'cause that one looks
like she's laughing at me.

How about this?
Mom, I hate to do this to you.

Uh-huh.
You're sittin'
on coach's lap.

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah, just sit on, like,
"here we are here."

Yeah, so hop
up here, paula.

Real quick.
Really natural.
Yeah.

Got it.

Let me see.

You'll be back in time
to go to the airport, right?

I'm just gonna
be like an hour.

That's a necessity.
I gotta get there.

Brendon, be good.
Oh, mother.

Jason and melissa, do what
coach mcguirk tells you.

Yes, mrs. Small.

- Bye, my precious.
- Bye...

My precious.

The storm looks pretty bad.
Everyone better be prepared.

The storm looks like
it's going to hit us hard.

Brendon.

What?
Hold your sister,
will ya?

No way.
What do you mean,
"no way"?

It's not my bag.
I can't. I don't know
how to hold a baby.

Neither do i.
Well, we got trouble then.

It's not my job.
You're the one that said
you would do this.

Do she have a pen
or somethin'?
She's got a little cage.

You know what?
I got an idea.

What?
Get me some rope.

Uh-huh.
I'll tie her to the couch.

Oh, geez.
Oh, geez.

Oh...

Directing a movie isn't just
about yelling "action" or "cut."

Sometimes I yell,
"good morning" or "good night,"
depending on the time of day.

- Next question.
- Nah.

What?

No.
No, but...

Brendon, melissa and I
were talking.
Okay.

Yeah. We think this mockumentary
is a "crockumentary."

I gave her that one.

We want to do something else.

Um... Cut.

What are you guys
talking about?

We'd rather be making
the movie we're mocking
in the mockumentary movie.

We just think that the actual
movie we're doing now

About the mockumentary, isn't as
good as the movie we're mocking.

Do you know
what I mean?

I think what she's saying is
we'd rather be making the movie

That we're making with
the mockumentary movie...
Right.

Instead of the movie
we're making.
Exactly.

You guys would rather be
mocking the movie that we're
making the mockumentary

Than mocking the movie
that we're making right now

Which is
the mockumentary movie.
Exactly.

Or would you rather be
mocking the mockumentary movie

And making that movie or making
the inside mockumentary movie
of the mockumentary.

No, we'd rather not be
mocking in a mockumentary,

But make the movie that we're
mocking in the mockumentary.

So you'd rather make
the movie you're mocking
in the mockumentary...

No, we'd rather make
the making of the mock mocking
the mockumentary movie.

I'm getting two stories
from you guys.

He's saying he wants to make
a mockumentary of the making
of the mockumentary movie.

No.
What?

That's not what he means.
I want to make
the making of...

No, jason, that's
not what we talked about.

That's what I want to do.

Well, I pitched that idea.
You guys nixed that.

The making of a mockumentary
of a mockumentary movie that
has a movie inside of it.

Which is essentially...

Which is essentially
a mockumentary.
Correct.

All I'm saying is
I want to make movie history.
Boring.

How did this happen?

Oh, josie, don't
be afraid of the thunder.

Don't, please don't cry.
There's nothing bad
about thunder.

It's just a noise.
Lightning is what kills you.

Like, thousands of people
every year die from getting
hit by lightning.

Or, uh, what else
can k*ll you?

Um, sometimes food
can k*ll you.

- Raw pork.
- Attention, this is an actual emergency.

A tornado warning
is in effect right now.

This is a tornado alert.

Get to a shelter,
or a basement immediately.

Oh, my god!
What do we do?

Brendon, melissa, jason?

Yeah?
Yeah?

Is that his name?
Mm-hmm.

A tornado's coming.
Coach, are you crying?

No, I'm not crying.
Wait, a tornado's
really coming?

Yeah, that's what
the radio said.

So I'm gonna stay down here
with the baby.

You guys go upstairs and play.
Shouldn't we stay
down here with you?

No. It's not safe for everybody
to be in the same place during
a tornado, melissa.

But I thought you're
supposed to go to low...

No, the rule is, melissa,
you separate.

Are you sure?
Yeah.

If you get sucked into the
funnel and everyone's separated,

It's just like a fun ride.

But if you're all in a group
in a cluster you start banging

Into each other and your heads
collide and you die.
Wow.

Oh, my god, I gotta check
on my sister's flight.

Umm...

What's the matter, coach?
Her flight's been rerouted.

I'm not gonna
see her after all.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

All that work,
all those pictures,

Then a tornado comes
in and ruins it.

Sorry, coach.
Ah, well, what are you gonna do?
Probably better anyway...

You'd have to have a death wish
to drive in this weather.

It's a tornado.
That's like suicide.

Coach!
Yeah?

Oh, man, brendon...

Yeah.

I'm sorry about your mom.
Yeah.

I'm sure she's fine.
She took driver's ed, right?

Where the hell am i?

Aah! Aah!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Take a breath. Oh, my god.
All right. Relax, relax, relax.

Oh, my god,
what time is it?

No! Oh...

I think you're really getting
carried away, coach.

See, you took it personally.
No, I didn't.

It's nothing against you,
brendon.
I know.

I'm just saying if we have to
start eating each other,

I'm gonna go
for jason first.
Right.

Then you.
All right.

Then melissa.
Then the baby.

Finally. Here, hold her
for a minute.

What was that about, jason?
You were on the phone
for, like, 20 minutes.

Well, when I told my mom
I was at your house, brendon,
she said, "brendon who?"

So I had to tell her who you
were, that we're best friends,
that we make movies.

And then she asked me
what kind of movies,

And I said, "I don't know.
Little fun movies.

Like real movies, but shorter."
And then she said, "like what?"

And then I explained a couple
of the movies we've made.

And I told her about
the one we're making now,
the mockumentary.

And then she said,
"oh, I like mockumentaries,
like spinal tap."

And I said,
"I don't know what that is."

Jason, you never
told her about me?
No.

What about me?
No.

Oh, come on.

Somebody.

A tornado can drive
a 3-inch nail into a tree.
All right?

So it hammers a nail
into a tree. Big deal.

That is a big deal.
I don't see why.

Could you hammer a nail into
a tree by just blowing on it?
No.

That's what a tornado does.

It blows on a nail and the nail
goes into the tree.

I still don't think
it's a big deal.
Why?

What do you mean "why?"

Why would...
Why is it putting nails
in trees? What's the point?

To mark them. You mean like
so it can hang a little sign on it?

Oh, the police,
thank god.

Would you like
to sign a petition
to save the big elm tree?

Walter! Perry? What are you
doing out in this weather?
Get in here.

No, because we only
need four more signatures
to save the big elm tree.

Get in the car!
But we need to save the tree.

Perry?
Yeah?

Was that
the elm tree?
Yeah.

Huh.

Okay, so who's in favor of
dropping the mockumentary?

Okay. Who's in favor
of doing the mockumentary?

Okay. Good.
Now we're getting somewhere.

See, I'm taking out
all that stuff about
the m*rder and the sex

And I'm making it into
a children's book.
Oh, right.

It's gonna be about a sparrow
and a c*ck who get lost

During a storm
and end up going on this
wild adventure together.

Sounds trite.
It sounds like
that's been done before.

Yeah.
I don't think so.

Lame.
Yeah.
Double lame-o.

Lame.
Double lame-o
donkey d...

Sucking on
the witches t...

The storm has passed.
I repeat, the storm is over.

- It's safe to come out of your shelters.
- Yea!

Wait, it could be a trick.

Paula, you should write a story
about when me and perry grow up.

And we're mans.
We're men.

Mens.
Well, I'll think
about that one.

And call it having fun
with walter and perry.
Yeah.

Yeah, that's, um...
That's a good idea.

I think I'll stick
with the sparrow
and the c*ck for now.

No, no, write about
perry and i.

Yeah, maybe I'll write
that in my next one.

No!
Now!

Write a book
about walter and perry!

Okay, I'll write
a little book about...

Write a book
about perry and i! Now!

- Do it!
- Now!

Oh, my god,
am I glad to see you!

The police are here, kids!
The police are here!

So I'm just so glad I never made
it to mr. Fieldsmore's office.

You might say that storm
saved my life. My literary life.

Wow.
John, thanks for
being here with the kids.

They must have been
so glad you were here.
Are you all right?

Yeah, what,
are we wrapping up?

So when movie history opened
with the biggest box office draw
in movie history,

We knew that we had
made movie history
with movie history.

And now I'd like to say
something to all the young
director's out there.

If you want to make
movie history,

Just make sure
you own the camera.

Cut.

Cut and print.
"Perfeck."

Thank you.

You should make a movie
about perry and i.
Yeah.

Well, uh...
Make a movie
about perry and i.

Well...
Yeah!

Make it!
Make it!

Make a movie
about perry and i!
Grab his arms!