03x13 - Coffins and Cradles

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

Don't eat too much candy
at the halloween party,
jason.

Melissa, you're
not my mother.

I know, but I'm the one who's
gonna be at the party with you,

And I know
you can't handle it.

Melissa, why not?
Because you get sick.
You get crazy.

Oh, please.
Back me up, brendon.

You get ugly.
I have to have candy!

I'm the candy monster!
Aaah! I got you!

What?

Relax, guys.
I'm just kidding.

I'm off the stuff.
I don't eat candy anymore.

Really?
Yeah, I've been cold turkey
for like a month.

Oh, man.
Yeah.

I love cold turkey.

Thirty-one days, guys.
Congratulations.

What have you been
eating instead?

Uh, a lot of seafood.

How do you feel?

What?
So, anyway.

Melissa, what are you
dressing up as?

I'm gonna go as
the grim reaper.
Geez.

What are you dressing as?
I'm...
I can't tell you.

I can't tell you.
It's a secret.

- Oh, good morning.
- Good morning, mr. Lynch.

You kids excited about
the halloween party on saturday?
Yes, mr. Lynch.

- Stop doing that.
- Yes, mr...

Stop. Melissa,
what are you dressing up as?
The grim reaper.

Yeah? Scary.
Mm-hmm.

Jason, what about you?

I'm going as
an insurance adjuster.

Ooh. Very scary.

And what about you,
brendon?
He won't tell us.

Yeah, it's
his little secret.
Hmm. How about a hint?

Best costume ever.

Grim reaper?
Insurance salesman?

Yeah. That's
an interesting hint.

I've been working on it
for six months.

Well, that's great, brendon.
Everybody, I'd like to make
this announcement now.

I'm dressing up
as a kitty cat.

Oh, darn!
Wow.

No, it's fine, linda.
Really.

And I'm not just saying
that because it's awkward.
Even though it is awkward.

Hi, mom.
I'm home.

Hi, linda.
Hi, brendon jr.

How's it going in there?

Huh? What?
You wanna come out
and see me?

Uh, that's so annoying.

That's the cutest thing
you've said so far!

Brendon, linda's gonna
be staying with us
for a little while.

O... Kay.

Well, where's my father?

Well, he had to go on
a business trip out of town,

But he'll be back in
plenty of time for the birth.

So don't worry.
I'm not worried.

Neither am i.
That makes two of us.

I'm not worried.
Three of us.

Neither am i.
It's back down to two.

Oh, look at the time.
I've gotta get to
my lamaze class.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey.
Okay.

Sorry I can't go.
Yeah, it's fine.

Wh-wh-what? You want
someone to go with you?
I'll go.

I'll totally go.
Um, yeah.
Okay.

Breathe, ladies.
Breathe.

Hey, over here.
You're supposed
to be helping me.

Be there in a minute.
Just gotta finish coloring
the bumblebee's butt.

Well, come over here
and hold my hand and count
with me or something.

Do it yourself, lazy a*s.

That's what I get
for getting knocked up
by an 8-year-old.

I didn't... It's not
my fault you're pregnant.
Is it?

Coming!

Hold on!
I'm coming!

Yeah? What?

Oh, hi. Hello.

Hi.
Sorry I was yelling.

Oh, no problem.
I'm a representative of
the crystal spirit family.

We're a new spiritual
organization, and we're
looking for recruits.

That sounds great.
Sign me up.

Really?
Sure.

Wow.
Yeah.

I've always wanted to join
an organization.

Really?
Absolutely.
Do you wanna come in?

Well, yes,
that would be terrific.
You've made my day!

Well, you know.
Come on in.

That's a weird outfit.
Well, this is
a new outfit.

I wasn't doing
so well in the old.
Right.

I wanted people to take me
less seriously. I didn't
wanna be threatening and...

It's working.
Oh.

It is definitely working.
Thank you.

Yeah.
You're really sweet.

No.

I have a pamphlet.
What?

A pamphlet.
Oh. Great. Yeah.

"Find your salvation.
Create your own morals
and beliefs."

Wow. That's great.

We're open to everything.
Uh-huh.

We see god
in everything and...

And you're into crystals,
which I'm also into,
by the way.

Really?
Yeah.
I used to collect them.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Wow. I feel like
I'm finding a soul mate here.

Yeah. I mean,
crystals, baseball cards,
civil w*r memorabilia.

Oh.

I'm starting to lo...
Lose my breath.

What's going on with me?
Have you ever tried
channeling?

It's very early.
You gotta understand.

I don't usually wake up
this early.

So, everybody?
Attention, attention...
Okay.

So on all the phones,
I preset the numbers 911.

So if the baby starts
coming out, linda...
Linda over here.

All you have to do
is press "memory" and
then number 5. Boop.

Right in the middle.
Easy.
Did you just press it?

No.
Yeah, you did.
You just dialed 911.

No, I didn't.
911, Police emergency.
May I help you?

Hello? Police emergency.

Brendon, tell them
it was an accident.
Is someone there?

Uh, hello. This was
an accident, okay?

There's been an accident?
No, nothing.
Just a mistake.

Look, this line is
for emergencies only.

Right, right,
sorry to bother you.
Keep up the good...

Hello? Okay.

Listen, guys, back here.

Are there any questions
about memory number 5?
Any questions?

Memory number 5.
Brendon? Brendon?

What?
You just did it again.

No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.

Hello, 911 police emergency.
Hello? Police emergency.

Brendon, tell them
it was an accident.
I'm sorry. I called again

Because there
might be a baby...

Never mind. I gotta go.

Okay, also, I will be
filming the birth.

So I took the opportunity
to write some dialogue
for you two

In case you freeze
in the heat of the moment.
Brendon.

Dialogue right here.
You each have a copy.
Do not lose these.

Brendon!
What?

They're not gonna let you
videotape the birth.
Oh, please, linda.

I know my rights.

Hello.
Hello?

Hello?
Hello? Why'd you
hang up on me?

I thought we were fin...
Who is this?
Police emergency.

What's wrong?
So what are you guys doing?

But at least we say
there's an afterlife.

Right, but there's
no afterlife.
Well, yes, there is.

I mean, we all know that.
Well, "we" all don't,
'cause who says there is?

Well, I say there is,
we say there is.

Right, but I say there's not
because there isn't.

Wait.
But I'm not good
at arguing.

Wait. Oh, my god.
What?

Oh, my god!
What'd I do?

Oh, my god! I...
Oh, my...

What's going on?
Are you all right?

Now I know where
I know you from. You're
john mcguirk, aren't you?

Um...
You're the coach.

I am, yeah.

Do I know you?

Hello!
Hello.

Yes, I'm stephanie.
Stephanie. Um...

Andrew smalls' wedding.

It's a, uh, nice room
you got here.

Yeah, but you know
what's not so nice?
What's that?

My back's sore.

Oh, dear.

Oh, sh...
Hi.

Hi. Yeah, I remember the...
You at that wedding.

Yeah, remember upstairs?
Little bit, yeah.

So you're a kook now, huh?

Oh, you.

I admit it's weird
I didn't recognize you for...

But you were...
You're dressed different.
Yeah.

You're dressed.
And, uh, you're sober.

I think.

I try not to drink
too much anymore.

There is a hint of liquor
on your breath,
just so you know.

I get a little nervous
going door to door.
I bet it's tough.

It's tough.
So, can I make you
some eggs, or...

Let's see what I got.
Hot dogs?
That'd be great.

Really?
Yeah.

I can put 'em both
together. I can make
a hot dog omelet.

Hey, lynch.

Good, there you are.
We're all set for
the halloween party, right?

Yeah, look, lynch.
I'm bringing a date,
all right?

What?
So don't give me
any crap about it.

No, no. I'm just saying be
there on time because I have
to pick up a lot of the kids.

So you need to be there
before I get there.

She is great looking, lynch.
I need you to know that.

She's hot.
I mean, unbelievably hot.

Well, that's...
I'm just saying
be there on time...

She's hot and she likes me.
How's that equation for you?

One plus two
equals mcguirk.
All right?

Yes, that's amazing.
Two plus four
equals she's hot.

Hmm.
Six minus four equals
that makes mcguirk happy.

Look, just show up
in costume.
Yeah.

You don't happen to be
a little curious about what
I'm going as, are you?

That's a hint. Curious.
A hint as to...

What I'm going as, yes.
Curious?

Right.
Hitler?

No, no, no.

I'm a kitty. I'm a kitty.
Curious as a...

I'm going as a kitty.
Kitty-kitty. Meow.

Meow, mcguirk. Meow.

Where's kitty's milk?

Lynch, did you just
lick me?
Meow.

You just licked me.
Kitty licked you.

Lynch.
Meow.

This is why I don't like
talking to you.
Meow.

And now I'm gonna punch you.

Linda, can you get that?
All right.

Trick or treat!
Happy halloween!

Ghosts. Scary ghosts.

Yeah.
How original.

What?
You're ghosts. Boo.

What are you supposed to be?
Yeah, an ugly housewife?

Okay.
Trailer trash junkie
who's pregnant?

That's right. Slam.

Linda, my fin
fell off again.

Where's the staple g*n?

No, I don't want any more
staples on my back.

Trick or treat.

Smell my feet.
Give me something
good to eat.

Thank you.
None for me, thanks.

Is brendon ready to go,
the other mrs. Small?

Don't call me
the other mrs. Small, okay?
Call me linda.

Linda.
Ah.

He's almost ready.

Hi, mr. Lynch. Thanks
for picking everyone up.

No problem.
Kitty likes to drive.

Meow.

You're sure you're gonna
be all right?
I'll be fine.

Hey, brendon,
nice costume.

I can see why
you kept it a secret.

No, guys, this isn't
what I was gonna...

Mr. Lynch stole my idea.
I was gonna be a kitty cat.

What are you now?
I'm a fish.

It's good.
It's... Awful.

Oh, boy. Watch out.
Kitty loves fish.
Mmm, meow.

Get away!
He's been doing that all night.

- We should get going.
- Well, let's get scratchin'.

Bye, linda.

Bye, linda.

Ow. Ow. Oh,
I think the baby's...

The baby's what?
Baby coming.

Oh, my god. I think
the baby's coming.
Baby... Coming.

You ready?
Yes.

Here I come. Ta-da!

Huh? What do you think?

Oh, my god.
You look hot.

Really?
Yeah.

I thought I looked hideous,
but it was funny.

No, it-it suits you.

I put a pillow in my butt.
You're full-bodied.

Yeah. And these
are chunky soup cans.

Smart.
Yeah. I'm a big
beautiful woman.

You wanna little help
with your eye shadow?
Yeah, and I want a lot of it.

Your, um...
Your hand smells nice.

So does yours.
Oh, thanks.

I use coconut soap.
It's japanese.

Wow. It's-it's
really pungent.

Yeah, I use a lot of it.
You smell pungent too.

Like not just your hand.

Really?
Yeah, everything smells.

Nice, um, panty hose.

Yeah, they were my mom's.

That's sweet.
Yeah.

Ow. Ow. Ow.
Don't bite.

Sorry.

Oh, god.

What about the party?
We'll be late.
It won't k*ll us.

Oh, I've been waiting
for this, mcguirk.

For what?
For-for this moment with...

Oh, oh.
Yeah.

I can take the wig off.
No, no, leave
the wig on, please.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Should I take this
dress off?
God, no!

'Cause it's really,
you know... It's tight.
No, it's good, it's good.

Okay, I'll leave it on.
Okay.

Maybe we should, um,
go to the bedroom.

Um, we're in it.
Really?

Yeah, it's a murphy bed.

Well, let's unfold
this baby.
All right.

Yeah.
Ow. Whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.
My arm just fell asleep.

That's weird.

Wow. My arm...
Hold on, hold on.
No problem.

Ow.
Oh, yeah.

Just wait.
Okay, grr.

Ow. What is it?
My chest feels tight.

You big girl guy, you.
Ow.

Oh, boy.
What?

Ow!
What?

Ow!
Oh, my god! What?

Oh, boy!
What?

Come on! Come on!

Call an ambulance!
What?

Call an ambulance!
Call an ambulance!

Now? For real?

Okay, okay, okay.

Send an ambulance, quick!
Okay, wait.

What's-what's your address?
I don't know.

What?
I don't know!

What do you mean,
you don't know?
I forgot.

Check the number.
Hold on, please.
I'll be right back.

There's mail on the table.

So, doc, I'm feeling fine now.
I'd like to get out of here.

So sign me out.
Me and her, we're actually
going to a party. Wink, wink.

We were. Wink, wink.
Yeah.

Well, I don't wanna hold up
your winking. Nice earrings
by the way. Wink, wink.

Thanks.
Mr. Mcguirk,
you're not going anywhere

Till we get the x-rays
and the blood work back.

You've had a heart attack.
Oh, my god!

No way. Really?
Nurse, start an i.v.
And give him some nitro.

Pretty young
for heart attacks,
aren't we, mr. Mcguirk?

Yeah, wow. I am
pretty young for
a heart attack, huh?

What's your diet like?
Um, I don't diet.

Mm-hmm.
I drink a lot.

That might do it.
I did this!

What do you mean,
you did it?
No, don't...

Would you care
to make a statement?
No, stephanie, no.

I had been warned
and I didn't pay attention.
What's going on?

It's happened once before.
You did this
to someone else?

It was a while ago.
I was younger.
Well, who?

A college professor.
Geez.

He died.
Oh, great.
You're a k*ller.

I'm sorry. I have to go
have a cigarette right now.

Why don't you go have sex
with someone and give them
a heart attack again?

You're okay.
Ow.

You're okay.
Please stop saying that.

Ow!
You're okay.

Please stop saying that.
I'm not okay.
I'm having a baby.

Knock, knock. Hello.

Hi, mama. Linda, I've got
good news and bad news.

Oh, my god.
What's the bad news?

Well, there is no bad news.
What?

That's the good news.
The good news is
there's no bad news.

But you said there was
good news and bad news.

Yeah.
So what's the bad news?

I think he's saying...
Okay, let me...

There's good news and bad news,
and the good news is not bad.

And the bad news
is good, right?
Right.

Oh, I get it.
It's a joke, right?

Yes!
Exactly!

That's not very funny.
I'm having a baby!

I think it's funny.
Well, thank you.

Ow, sh...

Oh, that's a big one.
I think this baby's
coming, folks.

Bring it on.
We're locked and loaded.
No, no. Put that away.

Cut! Cut! There is no
videotaping of births
allowed here.

Ow, fu...
What are you talking about?

I'm not videotaping, doctor.
I'm making a film.

You're in it.
There's a part for you in it.

I'm in it?
Yeah, of course.
It's a part with a doctor.

I've got it right here.
Let me see that.

It's basically about
childbirth, but the
real focus is on you.

This is just
some childish gibberish.
It's a little rough...

No, I like it.
I like childish gibberish.
So does america.

This is really good!
Really?

This is really good.
It's a first draft.
It's not finished. Thank you.

Oh, fu...
Oh, back to the baby.

What was your favorite part
about it, offhand?

I mean, like what did you...
Because sometimes you get...
Holy fu...

Give me something
for this fu... Pain now!

Hey, linda, remember,
like in class,
just relax, just relax.

There, there.
I'll pat you on the head.

Shut the fu... Up,
you little fu...

Hey, whoa. What's...

It's okay. That's completely
normal behavior...
Cross-gender hatred.

But that's not normal.
She swore at me.

Shut the fu... Up,
you little moviemaking
piece of sh...

I can't believe that

You talked to me that way.
Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! I hate you!
Shut up! Shut up!

That's good.
Use it, linda.

I'm leaving!

Good.
Doctor, I'm sorry you had
to see me this way!

Don't let the door hit you
in the a*s on the way out!

What?
You heard me!

No, I was outside? What?

Speaking of doors,
we are opening real wide here.
You're doing well, linda.

Hi. I'm a friend of linda's.

Hi.
I'm paula. Hi.
Nice to meet you.

Hi, paula.
Oh, this is my son, br...

Oh, I guess he had
to go get a snack.

Truly I'm sorry!
Knock, knock!
That's my son brendon.

Who's there?
You!

You too!

- Nice kid.
- You!

Well, I guess you two
should stay with kitty.
You!

Good, good.
Oh, look at this.
Who wants some candy?

Melissa, say
trick or treat.
Trick or treat.

Okay, there you go.
Jason, trick or treat?

No, thank you.
Trick meow
or meow treat meow.

Mr. Lynch, jason quit candy.
He doesn't want any.

Yeah, right.
Who quits candy?

I know you kids.
Jason, trick or meow treat?

No, thank you.
Meow or meow treat?

Jason, be strong.
Candy.

Mr. Lynch, stop.
Trick or meow,
meow or treat?

No, don't... Don't, mr. Lynch.
Trick or treat?

Trick or treat?

I can't take
the trick or meow treat!

Meow.
Jason, no!

You don't need to
watch this, melissa!
I can't watch it!

Why? What...
I'm changing!

No!
I'm changing!

Tell me to shut up?
You shut up.
You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?
I mean, come on.

Brendon?
Coach mcguirk?

Hey.
Oh, my god. What are you...
Are you wearing lipstick?

It's a costume, brendon.
Why are you dressed
as a salamander?

I'm a fish.
Oh.

Coach, what are you
doing here?
I'm dying, brendon.

I'm dying.
No, really.

Well, I had a heart attack.
Wow, you are dying. Geez.

Have a seat.
No, I gotta...

I never thought it
would end like this.
How did you think?

I figured maybe
a b*llet in the back.
Sure.

Or a knife in the back.
Right.

Maybe hit by a train.
In the back?

In the back, yeah.
A lot of the stuff,
I'm turned away.

Right.
From what's happening.
I don't know it's gonna hit me.

Right.
I guess when you have
a heart attack,

You start thinking
about these things.

Well, I mean...
I was thinking, wow,
I almost died.

Coach, you're kind of
depressing me.

What are you doing here
anyway? You sick?

My father's wife
is having a baby.
A baby? Isn't that ironic.

Life explodes into the world
in all its beautiful fury

While death waits
at my doorstep.

Right.
Oh, my god. It's death!

Coach, it's me, melissa.
Oh, my god.
It's melissa.

This is my costume.

Melissa, you probably shouldn't
be walking around the hospital
dressed as death.

Coach, what are
you doing here? And why
are you dressed as a woman?

Because it's freeing.
Listen, I just made
a decision.

I'm gonna change my ways.
Okay. Have you guys
seen jason?

- No.
- Brendon, can you videotape this, please?

Videotape what?
My pledge for a better life!

Wait. Jason's missing?
He started eating
candy again.

- Oh, no.
- Are you ready? Go ahead.

Press record. We going?

Uh, yeah.
All right, good.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this tape is a prescription

For a better life,
a richer life.

I'm gonna be a better person
and I'm gonna help kids... More.

I'm gonna learn how
to play soccer.

There, I said it, on tape.
I've never played soccer.

- All right.
- I think that's enough.

Wait, I'm not done yet.

And I'm gonna get
my pilot's license,
like john travolta,

Because he's amazing.
He has his own plane.

Yeah, he lives life
to the fullest.
All right.

And I'm gonna...
I think I got this.

No, I'm not done.
Melissa? Jason?

Where are you?
Kitty is upset.

Meow! Meow!

Jason?

Oh, my gosh.
What are you drinking?

Glucose. Go away.
I will not go away.

You... You made me
this way!
Shh.

It's gonna be okay.
Oh, candy.

No more candy.
Candy.

I need more!
Let go of me, melissa!
Let go!

I will not!
Let go!

I'll never let go!
Let go, you crappy bi...

Ow!
Snap out of it!

Ow!
Now listen to me!

No! Ow!
You want another one?

Oh, no, please.
I'm sorry I had to
do that again.

Ow! All right, all right.
I'm calm.

I'm calm. Ow.
Melissa, I said I was calm.

Sorry. It looked like
you were gonna act up again.

No, I said I was calm.
That's why I said it.

Jason!
Ow. Melissa...

No talking back!
I'm not.

No, you listen to me.
I am listening.

I need you to calm down.
I told you, melissa...

I don't wanna have to...
Ow!

Melissa, please.
Stop slapping me.

Calm down, jason.
No, but...

Jason!
Ow! I'm not...

What has gotten into you?
I am calm! Ow!

I'm calm, melissa!
Stop slapping! I'm calm!

It's gonna be okay!
Ow!

Uh, anybody see
death and a salesman?

Sure. Arthur miller.
It's a classic.

Uh, thank you.
Kitty will continue its hunt.

Hmm. Unlocked. Meow.
Oh. Hmm.

Candy wrappers
on the meow. Very curious.

Meow!

Kitty better land
on his feet! Ow!

Jason, I heard. Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah.

You gonna be okay?
I had to smack him
a few times.

Yeah, she did.
She did? How was it?

I loved it.
Me too.

I started my own
religion, paula.
That's great!

Would you like to join?
Nope.

So, how's it going?
What do you mean,
how's it going?

I had a heart attack.
Yeah, I know,
but like besides that.

Oh. I'm fine.
How you doing?
Fine. Thank you.

Here's five bucks.
Get me a corned beef
sandwich. I'm starving.

I wanna thank everybody
for helping out.

Brendon, I'm so happy
you videotaped the whole thing.

God, I might cry.

So, what are you
gonna name the baby?

How about... Jesus?

- That's, uh...
- Ooh.

How about mr. Me-ow meow?

Mr. Lynch, what happened?

What happened?
I fell down a fu... Flight
of fu... Stairs

Because I was looking
for your a*s, meow.

That's just the drugs talking.

Wow. I like those.
Can I have those?

The ones that make you
go "meow"?

Meow.
Doctor?

Let me call down.
Who wants drugs?

Anyone else?

- I'm making a run.
- What the hell.

- Who wants to party?
- I'm a cat.

Mom, can we get out of here
and go trick-or-treating?

Brendon, I think it's too late
to go trick-or-treating?

Anybody want some of linda's placenta?
I'm just gonna throw it out.