04x01 - Camp

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Whoo!

Whoo!

Come, Cloud Chaser,
come with us.

It is time for you to cry-walk.

No, you know what, I'm fine.

I'm gonna stay here,
hang out. Thanks.

Also, stop calling me
Cloud Chaser.

You must follow us
as we cry and man-hug
through the forest.

Yes, Cloud Chaser,

it is our man-destiny
to cry-walk,

so that we may be
in touch with our true
man-emotional man-self.

We will walk through the forest,

and we will look
at the treetops,
and we will cry.

We'll play the drums.

Right. Look, you guys
advertised this

as some free camping trip.

Where's Gary?

My name is Feather Nest.

You didn't tell me
there was hugging.

You said this was
a camping trip of guys.

I thought there was
gonna be hunting, too.
Where are the g*ns?

We have no g*ns.

We are hunting
for the man inside.

You said there'd be beer,
and there was.

Now there isn't,
so I'm gonna leave.

No. We believe it is
best that you stay.

No, this just isn't up my alley.

But, Cloud Chaser...
Cloud Chaser...

Look, I'm not joking.

I don't like
the name Cloud Chaser.

I really don't like it.

You're in danger.

Danger of what?

You're in denial.

You are in denial.

He's in denial.
He's in denial.

I'm not denying,
I just don't like it here.

Cloud Chaser,
do not deny yourself
of the emotional...

No, to me, this
doesn't get better.

All right?
I've had my fun here.

I'm leaving.
I don't cry-walk,

and I don't like the nicknames.

All those in favor for
a man-vote, say "Aye".

Aye.

All those in favor
of Cloud Chaser taking
the cry-walk, say "Man."

Man.

We have taken a man-vote.

We have a mandate.

Guys, I'm serious.
Somebody call the van.

Cloud Chaser, we think
of you as a friend.

May I touch you?

No touch... no.
Touch him.

Don't... don't touch.

It is very important.
It is good.

You don't touch Cloud Chaser.

Take my hand.
No. Who's rubbing
my back?

It is time for a man-hug.

No, no, I'm not man-hugging.

Men, join me.

I don't even hug women.

Man-hug! Man-hug!

Get back!
Hug, hug, hug, hug!

Don't come any closer!

Hug, hug, hug, hug!
I'm serious!

Hug, hug, hug, hug!

Oh, my God!

After him.
No!

♪♪

Ugh!

You guys, it is so hot.

Man, camp is really hot.

It's like an oven.

I feel like I'm gonna melt.

I know, I know.

I have high hopes
for this place.

This is gonna be The Summer.

The Summer.
You know what I mean?

What, the one where
you get sun poisoning?

Maybe, but also
the one where
I come out of my shell.

Like in
the camping movies.
You know what I mean?

Where somebody takes me
under their wing
and spends time with me,

and I set out as an underdog
and I win a race or something.

Brendon, can we come
out of our shells, too?

Sure.
Me, too?

Yes, why not?

Let's get our bags
and go to our bunks.

What bags?
What bags?

Don't you guys have suitcases?

Suitcases?

Who has fancy suitcases?

What are we,
millionaires?
Right.

No, smartasses,
didn't you pack
any clothes?

No. Nope.
No. Nope.

Should we have?

We're gonna be here for a week.

What'll you do for clothes?

We're gonna be here for a week?

What do you mean?

I thought this was day camp.

Jason, it's sleepover.

Seriously?
Yeah.

For a week?
For a week.

Oh. Oh, boy.
Change of plans.

Hey, look, it's Dwayne.

Dwayne, are you going
to camp here, too?

No, we're junior counselors.

This is Mike and this is Miguel.

Hi.
How's it going?

We're gonna be
your music counselors.

Awesome. Cool.

Hey, we just drew names
for camp troops.

You guys are
in Rabbit Troop.
That's us.

Rabbit Troop?
Rabbit Troop?

Rabbit Troop's the best troop.

That sounds cool, Rabbit Troop.

Yeah, it's the best one.
Trust us.

Welcome, everyone,
to Camp Campingston Falls.

America's premiere
performing arts camp.

And please enjoy
the following selection

from your junior
music counselors.

Were we supposed to play a song?

Oops, I forgot.

I think we're supposed
to be playing
the welcome song.

Play it!
Okay. Two, three...

♪ Oh, Camp Campingston,
I adore you ♪

♪ Camp Campingston,
you are great ♪

♪ We'll make
braided bracelets ♪

♪ Camp Campingston,
you are great ♪

♪ We'll make friends
this summertime ♪

♪ Camp Campingston,
you are great ♪

♪ And we'll keep ourselves
here the wintertime ♪

I hate this song.

Let's not play that song.

Horrible, man.
This song blows.

Don't get mad at us.
We didn't write it.

What about my song?

Mike has a song that he wrote.

"Taste the Fame."

A song called
"Taste the Fame."

Let's play that one.

All right.

♪ We know you have
your choice of camps ♪

♪ We know there's
a world of camps ♪

♪ But there is only one
performing arts camp ♪

♪ Taste the lights,
taste the action ♪

♪ Taste the fame ♪

♪ Camp Campingston Falls ♪

♪ Wallet making ♪

♪ Reenacting ♪

♪ Canoes and friends
and fun ♪

♪ For one week,
taste the lights ♪

♪ Taste the fame ♪

♪ Camp Campingston Falls ♪

♪ Taste the fame ♪

♪ Camp Campingston Falls ♪

Guys, is this your cabin?

Yeah, not bad, huh?

It's disgusting.

It smells like sulfur.

Me and Jason were
actually talking to one
of the groundskeepers.

He said this place
used to be an old
sulfur mine.

A lot of people
suffocated in a cave
and died,

so they closed it down.

Now it's a performing arts
activity camp. Yeah.

Cool, huh?
Pretty cool.

We were looking
at our schedules.

Did you get yours yet?

Uh-huh. Here it is.

Whoa, whoa.
Wow.

Why'd you do that?

Hold on.

What are you doing?
Stop.

They had me scheduled
to take something called
"Swimming Fun Time"?

Everyone's taking it.
Am I three years old?

Yeah.
No. I don't think so.

This is performing arts camp.

I didn't come here
to go stupid swimming.
Oh. Look, Melissa.

We know how you feel
about the water.

Nyah, zip.

What?
Nyah, stop.

Camp is 90% swimming.

Not performing arts camp.

I'm not afraid of swimming.
Change the subject.

You guys are afraid
of things, too.

I'm not gonna list
what you're afraid of.

She's talking fast.
She's mad.

First day of camp,
been here an hour...
Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

I just want to have a good time.

All right.
But let's just look.

There's some cool
stuff we're taking.

Cinematography,
lighting, set design...
that looks fun.

Oh, cool.
Look at this.

Advanced screenwriting.
This guy's supposed
to be good.

I heard he consulted
on Kindergarten Cop.

Ohh.
Yeah.

Guys, check it out.

I got a tape of our movie.

We're gonna bring this.

We're gonna show it
in class tomorrow.

We're gonna knock
their socks off.

They are gonna worship us
around this place.

So it'll be like,
"See you later, underdogs.

Hello, over-underdogs."
You know?

Yeah. Yeah.
Right.

Okay, who wrote this?

Me!

What's your name and your troop?

Brendon.
The Rabbit Troop.

Brendon, Rabbit Troop.

We've got some work
to do, little pal.
What?

You need to go back,
way far back,
and learn the basics!

One: your script
lacked form.

Films need form.
Class!

Film needs form.
Film needs form.

Can I... I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're mistaken.

I don't think you understood
what I was going for.

"Didn't get what
I was going for."

Every year
we get one of you.
Me?

"Didn't get
what I was going for."

What?
You an independent?

I don't know.
Hmm?

I don't know.
You on your own?

Am I on my own?
Yeah.

I'm at camp.

There are no rules
to film, right?

There's a bunch
of rhetorical things
going on...

There are no rules.

I don't know which
is the question.

We got ourselves
an indie filmmaker here.

Isn't that exciting, class?

He's a maverick, huh?

I don't want to be... Top g*n.

Who's gonna be Iceman?

We're not here
to learn about film.

We're here
to do what we want.
Wait.

I don't know what
I'm talking about.

I've only been
in the film industry
for 35 years.

Wow.

Does the name
Joel Schumacher mean

anything to any of you?

Does the movie Batman
and Robin ring a bell?

I was there on the set.

Really?
You worked on that?

Three months of my life.

Wow. What did you...
Did you direct it?

Craft services.

Did you get to talk
to Joel Schumacher?

Yes! I fed him
every day.

Boiled potato,
no butter.
Health nut.

I was there.
Were you there?

No.

Okay.

Horrible.

Okay, settle down.

Now, you've never
acted before, have you?

Actually, yes, I have.

I've actually done
my friend's videos.

You haven't ever really acted.

Not funny.

Well, don't get mad
at me, little guy.

You haven't really acted.

Acted with your hands and body.

I have.

Acted with props and wardrobe.

Acted with face glitter.

No, I haven't with face glitter.

No, you haven't.

You didn't let me get
that far in the script.

I cut you off 'cause
it wasn't great.

Your acting lacked form.

You were just going
willy-nilly dilly-lilly
gilly-shmilly

all over the place.

I only said my first line.

What's this lady talking about?

I don't know.
Something about acting.

- I can't pay attention.
- It's so hot.

Let's go, junior counselors!

Music class should've
started ten minutes ago.

We're going over
the course plan.

Get it together, Rabbit Troop!

Rabbit Troop sucks.

Hey, hey, hey.

Okay, class.
Ready to learn
about music?

Yeah!
Yeah.

Yeah.

I am just a note.

I am all alone.

I need a friend.

Where is my friend?

I'm another note.
I am a note.

I have a friend.
You are not alone.

We're singing in...

harmony.

We are friends.
What's up, guys?

I got here late.

Okay, McGuirk,

People are probably
looking for you.

They have to be.
I mean... you have
friends, don't you?

Ohh!

Ohh!
I don't want to die.

Heh heh heh heh heh!

Ohh! Ohh!

I'm not crazy.

No.

No.

Echo!

Blblblblbl!
Blblblblbl!

I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.

I'm okay.
John McGuirk.

John McGuirk.

Don't go crazy.

I hope these leaves
aren't poisonous.

They taste like poison.

Mama!

Mama, feed me!

What am I holding in my hand?

Tanger-tangerine?

No, it's a Clementine.
You know why?

Why?
Why?

In case I run
into James Cameron.

Director of what?
Titanic.

Why? Because James Cameron
loves Clementines.

He'd come up to my table

and I'd say, "Hey, Dr. Fruit,
What's it gonna be today?

More fruit?"

And he'd laugh.

Because we worked
on the same movie!

Man, I can't believe
the water is hotter
than the air.

Don't talk, Brendon, I'm peeing.

Now, Melissa,
let's see you
in a bathing suit,

and let's see you
have some fun
swimming out there.

Yeah, yeah, I gotta tell you,

I'm having trouble
getting in the mood.

Hmm, well, get in the mood, hmm?

I'm not very interested
in swimming.

Not interested, huh?

No. Not really.
Get in the water now.

No. No, I'm sorry.
Can't do it.

What did you say to me?

I said no, I can't
get in the water.

I'm gonna get back
to Rabbit Troop, so...

Rabbit Troop sucks!

Yep, Rabbit Troop sucks.

Listen, I'm gonna
count to three,

and you better be on
your way in the water.

But I really...
You want to get
in trouble?

No.
You wanna get
in trouble?

I don't want
to get in trouble.
One...

I don't want to... two...

Aah!

Get back here!

You guys,
we need to think
of something good

for the final performance.

Who cares?

People are just gonna
make fun of us again.

No, they won't.

Everyone thinks
Rabbit Troop sucks.

Not everyone.
I don't think
we suck that bad.

I can't believe
I'm being called
the worst actor here.

And I'm being called
the worst writer/director.

And I'm totally
the worst junior
music counselor.

Me, too.
Me, too.

♪ Rabbit Troop sucks ♪

♪ Rabbit Troop sucks ♪

♪ Rabbit Troop sucks ♪

♪ Rabbit Troop sucks ♪

We are the worst.

♪ It totally blows ♪

♪ Blows ♪

Pretty bad.

♪ It totally blows ♪

♪ Blows ♪

Blows.

♪ It sucks ♪
Sucks.

Hey, guys,
wait a minute.
Where's Melissa?

I don't know.

Take it home, guys.

♪ Rabbit Troop sucks ♪

Melissa!

Melissa!

Melissa!

Melissa!

Melissa!

Where is she?

Melissa!
I don't know.

Where are we?

I don't know, Brendon,
but it's really,
really dark.

And these flashlights
are gonna run out
of batteries eventually.

Maybe we should get back.

I know.
Maybe we should.

Which way, Brendon?

I don't know.

Melissa!
Melissa!

Melissa!
Melissa!

Guys, I'm over here!

Melissa!
Melissa!

Down here!

Hey, what are you
doing down there?

Look, guys.
Look what I found.

Aah!
Aaaaaah!

Aaah!

Ohh! Oh, kids.

You saved me!

Coach, what the hell
are you doing out here?

Brendon, try these leaves.

They're poisonous.

Cry what?

Cry-walkers, Brendon, all right?

It's like a cult.

Cry-walkers?

It's a cult,
and they're after me,

and I need to be here
till things cool off.

Why are you yelling?
I'm helping you.

Because there are people
after me, Brendon.

Are they trying to k*ll you?

Not exactly.

They're trying to hug me
and to make me cry.

Okay.

They're called Cry-walkers.

They're crazy.
They're crazy?
They're crazy.

They're crazy and they're
after me. So I need
to hide out here.

Okay, calm down.

Calm down.
We believe you.
Don't worry.

Brendon?

He's out of his head.
Out of his mind.

He's lost it.
He's gone crazy.

He has bite marks on his wrist.

He tried eating himself.

Unless he got bit by a werewolf.

Good point.
Good point.

All right. Here's
what I need.

Food. Fast food,
preferably.

Beer. Lite beer,
preferably.

Right. Melissa,
you mind fake-writing
this down?

Yeah.
Go ahead.

I need a satellite map
of this whole area.

Melissa.
Got it.

I'm gonna need some hair dye,

a fake mustache...
Right.

I need gunpowder.

Coach, would you settle
for some marshmallows?

Oh, you got marshmallows?

We can get you marshmallows.

Yeah, I'll take 'em.

Hey, let's make s'mores.

You got graham crackers?

No.

Guys, Coach hasn't
eaten in a while.

Is it wise to just
give him marshmallows?

I don't know.
He didn't come
with instructions.

Guys, wait.

I think these marshmallows
went bad.

Can you smell it?

Ohh!
Oh, man.

That just stinks.

Yes.
Whoo!

Guys, I don't think
the food's gone bad.
We have.

We haven't showered
or bathed since
we got here.

Plus, I've also
been wetting my pants
pretty consistently

for the last three days.

Oh, we smell horrible.

We smell like rotting cheese.

We smell like pee cheese.

No wonder nobody
hangs out with us.

Excuse me,
where you going with
all those marshmallows?

We were just... We were
told to gather them,
because we were told to.

Never mind.
Listen up.

We got word some weirdo's
loose in the woods.
You know about this?

Yeah. No.
No. Yes.

I don't know.
No.

Apparently, some guy
abandoned his party

up at Jack's Peak,

and was being tracked
coming in this direction.

They say he's
emotionally messed up
or in denial or something.

No one here's seen anybody, hmm?

Nope. Never.

Never heard anything about it.

All right, then, on your way.

We still have
some swimming to do,
little lady.

I can't. I lost
my bathing suit.
Oh, well.

That's all right, sweetie pie.

You can always wear one of mine.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Keep braiding the twines,
my little artists.

Braid the twine
in the hot summer's dirt.

Braid the hard,
unmalleable twine in the...

Wait a minute.
Who smells horrible?

Rabbit Troop!

I'm gonna volunteer
not to be bathed.

We have to. We'll
get in trouble.

I'd rather not be
around the, um...

Melissa, you're not afraid
of the hose water.

You know what,
Mr. Great Actor
and Mr. Writer/Director,

I don't want to get
bathed. The end.

You don't have to
get ugly about it.

Yeah. Hey, and that's also
one instructor's opinion.

Right. Your acting was
bad in that class,

but that's not your fault.

Movie didn't go
over too well.
With your acting in it.

There's not much
an actor can do when
he has no material...

Whose wing have
we been taken
under, Brendon?

Where's that great idea you had?

We were gonna be
the overdogs,
not the underdogs.

Well, then he pulled out
his crappy movie.

Listen, we have to be
friends. We have to get
through this somehow.

We're all we've got.

That's true.
It's us against them.

Exactly.

Rabbit ears up.

Rabbit ears up.

Rabbit paws in.

Rabbit Troop forever!

♪ Gotta be a clean bee ♪

♪ Clean bee ♪

♪ At Campingston Falls ♪

♪ Campingston Falls ♪

♪ Gotta be a clean bee ♪

♪ Clean bee ♪

♪ At Campingston Falls ♪

♪ Campingston Falls ♪

Brendon, you up?

Brendon?

Smell that?

That was me.

Sorry.

It's fun, though.

Fun at camp.

Shh!
You shh!

He isn't far from here.

Well, this is it,
guys, the big show.

Who cares?

Yeah, let's leave 'em
hating us.
Agreed.

I say burn every bridge we can.

Let's do it.
Uh-huh.

Don't forget
we have to
feed McGuirk.

It's not my turn.
You have to feed him.

I fed him last time.

No, I fed him...

I fed him
last time.
Hey, guys.

- Mom!
- Mrs. Small!

Oh, Mom, Mom!

Hey, Mrs. Small!
Mrs. Small!

It's so good
to see you. Hug.

Careful, Jason.

Okay, whoa, you guys
smell horrible.

Yeah, we know.
Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for
the big performance.

Really? Oh, you might
not like this, Mom.

I'm sure I'll like it.

But you really might not.

It'll be great.

I love you,
Mrs. Small.

I love you, too, Jason.

It's good to see you.

Okay. Look,
why don't you think
I'm gonna like the show?

You gotta trust us, Mom.

You might want to get
the car started right now
and leave it running.

We're about to make
some major enemies here.

Hello, and welcome to
"The Rabbit Troop Show."

Rabbit Troop sucks!

Thank you.

And now, we would like to
take you to a wondrous place

where nearly anything
can happen.

A fiery hot pit of hell

we like to call
Camp Campingston Falls.

Oh, look,
it's the Advanced
Screenwriting counselor.

Hello, you stupid idiots,
it's me,

the dumb, fat
screenwriting instructor.

How do you do?

And welcome to Hell.

I'm in league with Satan,

and here comes
my fiercely ugly,
fat, and stupid cohort,

the acting counselor lady.

Hello, you stupid, dumb idiot.

Hello, you toothless moron hick.

What would you like to do today?

Why don't we slowly
t*rture Rabbit Troop

while we reward
the other crappy
hacky campers?

Sounds good to me, but first,

let me call on
our good friend Satan.

Oh, Satan!

Hello, my favorite
demon followers.

What do you say, Satan?

Can you crank up
the heat in this
disgusting craphole

while we drain the life out of
these pathetic, run-of-
the-mill, talentless children?

Sounds good to me.

Let there be devil music!

♪ Welcome to Hell ♪

♪ You're gonna burn
in there ♪

♪ Just come on and... ♪

Where the hell are those kids
with my stupid marshmallows?

Cloud Chaser.

Huh?

Cloud Chaser.

Who's that?
Cloud chaser.

Stop.
Cloud Chaser.

Where are you?
Cloud Chaser.

Please, I can't!
Cloud Chaser.

Don't come near me.

Let us man-hug you.
Stop.

No, no!
No more!

A little hug.
One little hug.

Stop it!
Take my hand.

Go away!

He's going for the river.

No! After him!

♪ Welcome to Hell ♪

Hey, you stupid hippies,
why don't you join in?

You like this,
you talentless hacks,
do you?

You suck.
You suck.

You suck.

Coach?

Melissa!
Coach!

Help me!

What's going on?
I can't swim.

Do you still want
these marshmallows?

Help, help!
Save me!

I can't swim either.

Float. Float on the bag
of marshmallows.

Really?

Hurry up, help me!

I can't hear you.

Save my life!
One more time!

Melissa, save my life!

Is it cold?

♪ Yeah ♪

Enough!
You are finished!

Get off the stage,
you talentless freaks.

Hey, Jason,
what happened to Melissa?

Look over there.

♪ Welcome to Hell ♪

♪ Welcome to Hell ♪

Breathe, breathe, damn it!

Ugh! Unh!
I'm breathing.

Breathe!
I'm breathing.

Breathe, Coach McGuirk.
Oh, man.

Breathe!
I'm doing it.

Breathe.
Ow. I got it.

Come on, Coach.
Ow! Melissa!

Breathe!
Melissa!

Stop hitting him.

Stop.
I'm sorry.

Melissa, you swam!
I know.

Oh, my gosh, that was awesome.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

Mazel tov.

I have the car running,
by the way.

Oh, should we get going?

After your performance,

I'm gonna say, yeah,
we should probably leave.

So get your stuff.

Coach?
What?

Are you okay?
I'm all right.

John, what are you doing here?

I'm just crying.

Oh, my God.

Aaaah!
That feels so good.

Once you let it go, it's great!

Okay, we don't have
a lot of time...

Aah, come here!

Give the coach a hug!

Ow!
Ow!

Oh, yeah!

Cry with me!

Oh, God!

John, do you need a ride?

Ohh, man!

You guys go on without me.

I'm going back to the woods!

Okay, John,
we're gonna get
in the car...

Bye-bye!
Bye-bye.

Why is he taking
his clothes off?

You don't know
what you're missing!

See you in a year,
holes! Ha!

♪ Wallet making ♪

♪ Reenacting ♪

♪ Balloons and friends
and fun ♪

♪ For one magic week ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Camp Campingston Falls ♪

♪ Camp Campingston Falls ♪

♪ Camp Campingston Falls ♪

♪ Camp Campingston Falls ♪