04x03 - The Heart Smashers

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Tell me, Captain,
it's been days.

When will we find
what we've been
looking for?

You are, of course,

referring to the magical,
gigantical septopus.

Yes. I'm here
to capture it.

That is why I'm down here.

The mighty septopus.

A horrible beast
with seven testicles.

Tentacles.

Okay. Tentacles.
Right.

Did somebody say "tentacles"?

Yes. We're discussing
the septopus.

Mark my words.
The septopus is
a ferocious beast

that will ensnare
your very soul.

They say those
that search for it

will be possessed and go mad

and turn into idiots!

Hogwash.
Poppycock.

Poppywash.
Poppy... hog.

Hogwash again.

And I say... Double hogwash.

Yes.
Your tales don't
frighten us, ma'am.

Nor do they frighten me.

No one's ever been possessed

by a seven-tentacled sea fish.

Aaah!

It's the stowaway.
He's possessed.
And he's coming for us.

Oh, man.

Here he comes.
Oh, my God.

Idiots, I'm gonna k*ll you.

Aw, damn it.

Oh, and you guys,
I'm possessed by a...

Septopus.
And cut.

Great job, Fenton.

Yeah, good job.
Damn it!

If your 'usband
finds out I'm with you,

then cor, blimey.

Me 'usband's 'ome.
Get in the closet.

I'm home.

'Ello. So good
to see you, luv.

Yes, yes, rather.

Just need to put me coat
in the closet.

Oh, what's all this?

I guess I'm out
of the closet, I is.

'Ello, everybody.

Who's that?
Who's that?

I'm the closet fixer?

Oh, that is really funny.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Number three.
Lucky number three.

Hmm?

Third date, Paula.

Three's a charm.
If you know what I mean.

Heh. You know
what I mean, right?

I know it's number three.
I know.

So you still need
my truck this weekend?

No, I'll probably
just hire people...

Why? I have a truck.
We can just use that.
It's cheaper.

Fine. Okay. Shh!

Hold on, hold on.
Look.

Great smokes, me head's on fire!

Careful, don't be
putting your head
up your bullocks.

Get back here!

Me mulligan's in a nulligan.

Goodbye and no, sir.

This must go.
Whoa.

This can stay,
but will move here.

Now, what's that?
Are you making
some changes?

Well, improvements.

It's just a little bit wordy.

This is a little awkward.

Those are kind of things

that I and they
are in charge of.

Besides, guys,
we have a deadline.

So it's a little
wordy, Brendon.
It's no big deal.

Yeah, it's called
a collaboration.

No. Listen.

Now isn't the time for this.

Fenton, you got the script...

Fenton, Fenton.
Yes.

You got the script
last week, right?

Yes, I got the script last week,

but I'm now in the character,

and I'm seeing
that this is wrong,
this has to go.

Well, I'd like
to get back to work.

Guys, seriously,
the clock is ticking.

Jason, Melissa,
help me out here.

Fenton, can I see
that marker
when you're done?

In a minute.
Yeah, me, too.

Oh, I almost forgot, everybody.

I wrote the theme song
on the way over here.

Cool.
What?

Let's hear it.
No.

Two, three, four.

♪ Beware
the mighty septopus ♪

♪ What a dandy guy ♪
What?

♪ Lives on top of a submarine
and he's always eating pie ♪

♪ He's always
eating pies up there ♪

♪ And throwing festivals ♪

♪ He's the greatest guy
in town ♪

♪ With seven testicles ♪
Tentacles.

♪ Septopus,
septopus ♪

♪ Septopus, septopus ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Septopus,
septo... ♪

What I'm saying,
Simon, is that
you're great.

Have we decided yet?

Nothing for me,
actually.
I ate before.

Wonderful.

I'll have a quesadilla
and another one of these.

Very good.
Only one dinner
at this dinner table.

Hey, what I'm saying,
Simon, is, um...

Hey, you know, this
ain't working for me,

and I'd like to
break it off with you.

What do you say?

I believe the character
would have this.

I mean,
it's his motivation.
He's playing the game.

I respect that.

However, he's
a possessed stowaway.

Possessed by the septopus.

Why would he have a videogame?

It makes no sense.
Look, we're running
out of time.

Okay, he just would, Brendon.

You're overthinking it.

He just would.

I don't know what to tell you.

How about... I got another man!

Hey, who's a tough guy, huh?

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

This is the story of my life!

I knew it!

Hey, hey, hey, look,
the food's here.

I don't care!

I don't care!

Okay, okay.

Don't touch me!

Send...
Jason over!

Here I come.

Red Rover, Red Rover,
send Brendon over.

Well, uh...

I don't think
I'll be coming over there.

But I think we're
all done today, guys.

Great work.
I'm sending everybody
home for the day.

Jason, Melissa, you stay.

Whoopee!

♪ Septopus ♪

Quiet.
Look at me.

Shh! All right.

All right, fine.
We're not broken up.

What should we do, guys?

Did you see what...
He was hindering
the schedule.

Brendon, relax.

The whole day was put
behind schedule,

and we have
an internal deadline.

Brendon, shh, shh!

There we go.

Guys, but honestly...

Brendon, relax.

No, no... Brendon, Brendon.

Let me just...
Shh! Shh!

Relax, okay?
Okay.

But let me just say one thing.

Shush, shush.
I know, but...

♪ Septopus ♪
♪ Septopus ♪

Guys...

♪ Septopus ♪
♪ Septopus ♪

Guys? Aah!

Unh! Hunh!
Come on!

Oh, yeah!

Hunh! Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, look at you.

Oh, that's beautiful.

All right, guys,
let's sh**t the stars.

Oh, you just k*lled every star.

Let's bounce.

Boom ba-da ba boom,

ba-da ba boom boom boom.

All right,
I'm gonna get you two
out of here right now.

Let's go get a drink.

We earned it.

Brendon?
Yeah.

Notice anything
different about me?

What, your giant boobs?

They're not boobs, they're pecs.

It's a big difference.

I don't think so.

I think they're called
boobs or breasts.

No, no, no.
You ever been to a gym?

No.
At a gym,

boobs are called pecs.

Oh. I saw this movie
the other night,

and this lady had
the nicest pecs
I've ever seen.

Three to five hours
a day, Brendon.

Disciplined workout
on the pec-flexer.

What's a pec-flexer?

You know how many reps
I can do, Brendon?

About a million.
Wow.

I'm like the alpha dog
at the gym.

Yeah, what's that?

It's the strongest guy
in the herd.

The guy with the biggest pecs.

I just need to get 'em
a little bit bigger.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Why?

What do you mean why?
I don't know.

Pecs are what
I consider the most
important muscle group.

What do your pecs do?
I don't understand.

I can eat with them.

Really?
Yeah.

Like... I can eat off them.

You just put food there?

For instance...
Yeah.

Right in the mouth.

But you kind of licked
your tongue down there.

Well, I'm saying, can you do it?

No, not really,
but I just use my hands.

I don't have to use
my hands anymore.
That's the point.

My chest can do
what my hands
used to be able to do,

and that's a huge benefit.

'Cause it frees up my hands
to do whatever they want.

But you got to set aside
three to five hours every day

so you don't have
to use your hands
to eat sunflower seeds.

It's not just sunflower seeds.

For instance,
on the way here
this morning,

I drove with my pecs.

My pecs can steer.

Wow.

Nickname them, Brendon.

All right?
All right.

Nickname them.

Okay.
This one on the left

I'm gonna call Prince Valiant.

No, no, no.
Why?

You want to hear mine?
Yeah.

This is Big Rig.
This is Jesse.

Those are good names.

Yeah. Big Rig,
like an 18-wheeler.

And Jesse.
I like the name Jesse.

You know,
my Mom's actually looking
for some strong people

to move some furniture
this weekend.

You're strong enough
to do that, right?

Would I be strong enough
to help someone move? Yeah.

Yeah? Well, there are a lot
of little heavy things

that you could probably
place in between your pecs
and move them about.

It would be a good opportunity

to show off my chest
to your mom.

Yeah.
So, sure.

Okay.

What are you looking at?

Nothing. No.
I just caught myself
staring at your boobs.

Do you really have to
do that now, Paula?

I wish you'd called, Simon.
I really got to do stuff.

Well, do I really need to call?

I mean, we're dating, and, uh...

Look, I have to run
some errands...

I just remembered...
Before the stores close.

But I've been here
an hour and a half,

and the whole time
you've been cleaning.

This doesn't seem like
normal couple's behavior.

Actually, Simon,
I wanted to talk about
the whole "couples" thing.

Didn't you say you had
to run some errands?

We should talk.
No!

You... we should do...
Go do the errands!

Quick! Because
places are closing!

I don't know. It's still
not working for me.

I think we're close, people.

We're close,
but we're not there yet.

Fenton, we spent
the last two hours
on it.

I think this is
about as good
as it's gonna get.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait, wait!
I got an idea.

Okay, Jason, you deal with this.

I'm gonna go upstairs.

Thank you, Brendon!
We will call you.

Jason, I want the big one down.

I want that small one down.

The one at the top there?

Down.
Down.

Take it all out.

Let's bring it in one at a time.

Right. Yes.

Melissa, script changes.

I made all your changes,
and now there's
no dialogue left.

Good!
Okay.

So we just got
the characters
on the page.

Lose any other character.

Fenton, just so I'm clear.

We're taking everything
I just put up down.

Right. Take it down,

bring it behind me,

and then build it back up!

Build it back up behind you?

No. Oh, yes!

But all the scenery's
on this side of the room.

One step at a time, Jason.

Right, right.

Don't get ahead of yourself.

I understand.
You're the man.

Melissa!
Fenton.

Cut! Cut!

Were we rolling?

Does he think this is the movie?

Does your mother
ever talk about me?

To be honest,
I don't even know
who you are,

so maybe that answers
your question.

I'm Simon.

Well, not to be rude,

but what are you
doing in my house
and where's my mom?

She left. We're dating.
We're on a date right now.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry,
I've never heard of you.

If it's any consolation,
your mother speaks
very highly of you, Bernard.

It's Brendon.

She says you make movies.

Yeah. Movies.

Well, I think
that is really,
really cool, young man.

Thank you.

So, is that what
you're doing downstairs?

No, not currently.

There's this kid down there
who's driving me crazy.

Have you ever met someone

who just kind of
doesn't get the message?

Doesn't get the message.
Mm-hmm.

It's like the guy
can't take a hint.

Can't take a hint.
Oh, yeah.

And he's just kind of
this relentless...
Relentless.

Imposing weirdo.

Did you tell him
he's in danger of being
kicked out on his a*s?

No.

He's ruining
the movie, right?
Yeah.

Well then, kick him out!

We've known each other
for a while, and...

you know,
we've worked together,
we've played together.

And it's just ultimately
I keep coming back
to the same answer,

that this just simply
is not working out...

on all fronts.

And that's why I think...
You know,

what I'm really saying is
maybe it would be better
if you and I just broke up.

You're breaking up with me?

Well, I mean, yeah.

What, because of the lighting?

No, no!
The jealousy?

What?
You resent me?
Is that it?

Listen, just calm down.

You son of a b*tch!
You pig!

You jealous pig!

Shh! Just please...

What about the video film?

What?
Forget about it?

You take some of
my best moments,

my ideas,

and I'm supposed to walk away?

Well, listen, Fenton...

What is wrong with you?

Shh! Just calm down.

No! Don't touch me!

Just please...

Do you know how many
other people have asked me

to be in their video films?

Look... Do you?

And how many I said,
"No, I'm doing Brendon's."

Please...

Because I have loyalty!

Oh, God, this isn't happening!

Oh, God.

Fenton, try to relax, please.

No! You have just made

a massive mistake, Brendon!

Let's not get out...

Something that you
can't comprehend!

And you know
something, Brendon?
Fenton.

You are going to have
to live with it!

That could've gone a lot worse.

Guys, we need
to set up auditions.

What for?

What? Oh, we're
recasting Fenton.

We are?
Yeah, yeah.

We broke up.

So, I wrote it down.

We need somebody
that can play
a possessed stowaway.

Let me think.

Did you say
you and Fenton
broke up?

Yeah, uh-huh.
Hey, who's good
on the soccer team?

Why did you break up?

Why are we using
the term "break up"?

Brendon, were you dating Fenton?

Listen, no!
Look, look, look.

I'll give you the short story.

The schedule, the film,

and I'll be honest,
the friendship with Fenton
was just not working.

So, you know...

How did he take it?

Not well.
Not well.

Totally freaked out on me.

What are you
going to do, Brendon?

Oh, well, I've got
it figured out.

I'm going to pretend
I don't see him.

I'm going to walk
the long way
to and from school.

I woke up at 5 A.M. today
to test a new route.

Also, I'm planning on
eating lunch far, far away
from my normal eating area,

or eating in the bleachers,
or in disguise,

or I might skip lunch
for a while

until we've forgotten
about each other.

Sounds good.

I wasn't listening.

Hey, guys,
let's see some actors.

I'm a stowaway.

I'm a possessed stowaway.

Me, too.
Yeah.

And we're gonna get
a septomus.
Septomus.

And also, I have
no underpants on.

Perry, Perry, Perry.

You're a good actor.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay, guys, we've seen enough.

That's pretty good.

We'll let you guys know.

We can let them know now.

No, Jason,
it's not professional.

I'll let them know.

Jason, no, no, no.

Did we get it?

Yes, you got it.

Yippee!
Jason!

Jason, they didn't
actually get it.

We didn't?
Really?

Sorry, guys.

Brendon, Melissa,
I made a decision,

and I want it respected.
I want them in the part.

Yippee!
Yippee!

Perry! We did it!

Jason!
What?

They stunk,
but we have a deadline.

Hey!

You know what?
He's right.

I know, I know.
Okay, Walter, Perry...

Yes?

You are hired,
but I'm sorry,
you're fired.

This is bull.

Ooh, I am possessed
by that thing!

Get that out of my mind!

Get the other guy!
I tell you!

This is a situation...

Now let's pick it up
from the top of the page.

I'm here for your souls!

Commanded by me master,
the mighty septopus.

Okay, stop right there.
It's not British.

Oh, sorry. Okay.

Take it again.

I'm here for your souls.

Commanded by my master...

It's not British.
Mighty septopus.

It's not... Behold.

Sorry. Thanks.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, you gonna use that
or you gonna take it
up all day, huh, pal?

Both. I'm gonna use it
and take it up all day.

All right, pal?

Why? Why don't you just
let somebody else use it?

Oh, what's the matter?
You guys want to work
on your pecs?

Yeah, we just wanted to...

Don't make me laugh, all right.

What?
Give it up.

Forget about your pecs.

'Cause they're not nearly
as good as mine.

Whoa, pal, that's
a lot of weight.

Yeah, now if you'll excuse me,
watch these rockets take off.

Here we go.

And hunh! Argh! Unh!

Aah! Hunh!

Hunh!

Haaaaah!

Ohh!

Huh! Aah!

Ouch!

Oh, my God!

♪ Mighty mighty septopus ♪

♪ He's a crazy guy ♪

♪ He lives on top
of a submarine ♪

♪ He's always eating pies ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

Look, guys,
I've thought about it.

Me and Melissa have
been talking, Brendon.

Right. Me, too.
But not to Melissa
but to myself.

We feel that the schedule
is in jeopardy.

I know, I know.

We feel there's only
one person for the part.

Right. I agree.
And it's Fenton.

I totally agree.

Hold on.

I said I thought
it was Walter and Perry.

No. There has to be
a tension there, Jason.

Um... what?

Wait. Brendon,
did you agree
to the Fenton thing?

Yes, I did.

Not for any other reason
than the schedule, guys.

I decided I'm not gonna
be present during any of
the scenes that he's in

because I'm afraid
it might get
a little ugly.

So you guys are gonna
have to direct him.

Fine.
Good.

Jason?

What?
Okay.

Ready to move
some furniture,
sweetheart?

Yep.
Well, shall we?

Yeah, hold on.
My son's soccer coach
is supposed to help.

I'm here.
What happened?

I blew out my pecs.

Can you do that?

Yeah, course you can.

Hey, nerdo.
What?

Little help.

Hold on. Let me just
get my back brace on.

Jason, how's the framing
of the shot?

Good.

I think it's... Yeah, it's fine.

Okay, good.
And action.

Wait. Lemme get
back in shot.

Sorry about that.

Okay. And action.

Wait, cut. Let me
get rid of my gum.

Action.
I'm thirsty.

Cut. Jason, can you
get him something?

Thank you, Jason.

No, Melissa,
you get him something.

Jason, I asked you
to get him something.

Well, I'm telling you
you get him...

Someone get me a soda, please.

Right. Melissa,
go get him a soda.

You get him a soda.
I'm not going.

Please stop fighting
and just get me a soda.

Let's forget the soda,
and action!

Oh, let's not forget
the soda and get it.

Get him soda.

You said action.

Listen to my...
dry mouth.

Ohh!
Ew!

Unh!

You're not lifting it
high enough, son.

Ow! Ow!

That's pretty funny.

Seriously, get him
a soda, Jason.
Please!

Melissa, I can't get him a soda

if you're yelling,
"Action, we're rolling."
I'm in the scene.

Okay, cut.
Jason, get him
a soda, please.

Action. Melissa,
you get him a soda.

Cut. Jason,
you get him a soda.
Action.

Cut.
I'm thirsty!

Jason, get him
a soda. Action.

Cut. Get your
own soda, Fenton.

Don't worry, I got it.

What's up with this guy, Mom?

Brendon, I feel like
I haven't seen you
in ages.

That's what happens
when you start
dating some weirdo.

We're not dating.

Does he know that,
Paula?
Yeah.

Yeah, I think he does.
Deep down.

Because if you're
using this guy...

You know what?
This isn't any
of your business.

Besides, why would I use him?

He can't even get
the table on the truck.

Why don't you just
break up with him?

Mrs. Small, if you're
leading him on,

I think it's rude.
Yeah.

Look, I broke up with the guy.

It didn't take.

Mrs. Small,
have you considered
k*lling him?

Yeah.
Wait a minute.

If you guys are here,
who's directing Fenton?

Fenton is.

Yeah. Brendon, I don't know
if you ever noticed,

but he is kind of
a pain in the a*s.

Yeah.
Interesting.

Should maybe consider
firing Fenton
or k*lling him.

Yeah.

Well, I did, guys.
I did fire him.

I was met with
a lot of resistance,

but Fenton and I are broken up.

You know, dogs do that, Brendon.

Yeah?
Just a note.

Break up with...
What do you mean?

Like packs of dogs.

One dog that's acting
not the way the pack is,

they k*ll it.

Can't breathe.

They eat it.
Right.

But like with humans,
that doesn't happen.

Probably.

What do you mean?

Can someone pull this off of me?

Let's k*ll Simon and eat him.

Let's just k*ll someone.

How many times
do I have to hint?

Okay, well, we're all in on it.

Thank you.
I mentioned it
like 70 times.

Look, Simon,

I've been doing
a lot of thinking.

I really have
no romantic feelings
for you whatsoever.

I can't continue this thing.

I mean, who are we fooling?

I think this is
a little bit ridiculous.

Maybe you're right, Paula.

I guess I wanted things
to work out so bad

that I ended up being weird
and spoiling everything,

and I guess it was nice
knowing you. Goodbye.

All right, Simon.
Goodbye.

Oh, wait, Paula.

Do you want to go out
tomorrow night?

Sure.

Hi, Fenton.

What? Did I just
hear something?

Because I thought
that Brendon
wasn't talking to me.

Listen, Fenton,
I've been thinking.

Because we're broken up.

I don't know why
he would come over here
if we're broken up...

Shut up. Shut up.
Just shut up.

Let me speak.

I want us to be back together.

What? You think
you can just waltz
back into the cafeteria

and sit down next to me

with your little lunch tray
and your milk,

and everything's okay?

I mean, Brendon...
I understand.

I don't know
what you expected of me

that I wouldn't have moved on.

I mean... oh, jeez.

It's just all so confusing.

Listen, I understand.
You're right.

Well, maybe I should just go.

I'll just go.
I'll see you later.

Wait! Stop!

Hey, everybody,
we're back together!

♪ Reunited,
reunited ♪

♪ Fenton and Brendon ♪

♪ Fenton and Brendon ♪

♪ Reunited, reunited ♪

♪ Fenton and Brendon ♪

Ow, ow, ow!

Come on, guys, I'm not done.

Fine. We are leaving.

We don't need them.

No, we can't stay.

Pecs. All right.
One juice.

We're staying for one juice.

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Septopus ♪