04x05 - The Wizard's Baker

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [rock]
♪ I'm a wizard, wizard,
a wizard, yeah ♪

♪ I'm a wizard, wizard,
a wizard, yeah ♪

♪ Electricity shoots
from my finger... ♪

♪ Nails! Electricity
shoots from my finger... ♪

♪ Nails! I'm a wizard,
wizard, a wizard, yeah!

♪ I'll melt your brains ♪

♪ A wizard, wizard,
wizard man am I ♪

♪ Moo, moo, moo, moo ♪

♪ Moo, moo, moo ♪

♪ Moo moo moo
moo moo moo ♪

♪ I am a cow
Moo moo moo ♪

♪ I have bells
Moo moo moo ♪

♪ I am a cow ♪

♪ I milk the cows
That's my only job ♪

♪ I fear the wizard
He should be impeached ♪

♪ I hate my job but
that's a different story ♪

♪ I have a weird
relationship with a cow ♪

♪♪ [guitar]
♪ I am a baker ♪

♪ And today is my birthday ♪

♪ And I just turned
one years old ♪

♪ And I'm very cold
'cause I just found out ♪

♪ I'm a baker man and I
live inside a baking can ♪

♪ With soft and pretty
baker's hands ♪

♪ And I'm also meeeee ♪

♪♪ [rock]
♪ Now the wizard
is hungry ♪

[thunder]

♪ Make some pies for me ♪

Yes, master, that sounds good.

Please don't k*ll me.

I'll give you milk.
Thank you.

I'll do
the milking.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Here's a pie.
Let's have a...

[All]
pie fight.

Pie fight!

Pie fight!
Watch out.

Ow, look out!

Here comes a pie!
[click]

Melissa, excellent.
Thank you.
You too, Jason.

That's so good.
I have the chills.

Me too. I'm getting
all nipply.

It's some of our best work.

That should be on the poster.

"The Wizard's Baker
makes you all nipply."

I like it.
Write that down.

Write it down.

I'm gonna write it down.

Having said that,
we'd like to read off

the list of props we need to buy

to finish the Wizard's
Baker project.

Jason?
A castle.

We're gonna need to
build one or rent one.

We're going to need
a flock of pigeons

and a bird wrangler.

I have 14 minutes
of uninterrupted C.G.

What's that? Oh,
it's computer graphics.

So, we'll need that for
the cow's dream sequence.

We need an ice sculptor
and an ice puppeteer.

I'm not sure if it exists,
but we need to find one.

Socks.
Grandfather clock.

Kilts.
Scuba gear.

A horse and buggy.
A robot, and finally...

[Both]
Plutonium.

A lot of it.
Are you
getting this?

Brendon?
Turn on the lights, please.

Brendon, can you get
the lights? Jason?

Yes?
Maybe you get
the lights.

Where's Brendon?
I'm scared.
Turn on the lights.

I don't... Okay, where
are the lights?

It's Brendon's house.
Brendon?

How are we gonna
find the lights?

Brendon?
Brendon?
Brendon's not here.

Oh, that one over there
looks like Peter Pan.

And that one looks
like Pinocchio.

And that one looks like a...

What does that look like, Josie?

[gibberish]

Yeah, looks like
a Haley Joel Osment.

[gibberish]

Haley Joel.

Josie, you're so
young. Look at you.

Got your whole life
ahead of you.

God, I envy you.

I envy your youth.

Don't get into
show business, Josie.

Don't spend your life
being dragged down

by projects that
you lose interest in,

then have to sneak away from.

[Jason and Melissa]
Brendon!

Where's my childhood
gone, Josie?

Me and Melissa've been
looking at the books,

which we don't have,
but if we had books,

they'd say we're out of money.

We're close.
Money's what we need.

Maybe this isn't the movie

we sink all our
time and energy into.

What? What do you mean?

No, no. We've already
sunk two months into it.

That's three times longer
than anything before.

No, you know...
I know.

You're not abandoning
ship, are you?

No, no. No. No.

Okay.

Brendon, next step:
investors.

We do have a good product.
All we need is money.

Hmm.

[All talking, indistinct]

Okay, I heard "cow."

That's me.
The wizard...

Yeah. I don't think
I can get behind that.

Hmm.

[All talking, indistinct]

And also, it has a cow,

and it's very exciting.

It's not our first musical,

but I think it's
our best musical.

[Jason]
There's a unique
experience...

If you like musicals,
you'll love The
Wizard's Baker.

Possibly, there'll
be C.D.s available.

I play a cow.
[Jason] It's an experience...

It's a fairytale.
You'll never forget.

[slam]

So, that didn't go so well.

Looks like it's kind of over.

No, we can think
of other people.

What about Coach McGuirk?
I don't know.

Coach McGuirk will
give you money.

He doesn't want to invest.

How do you know?

He'll spend his money
on anything.

Welcome back to the Shop
at Your House Network.

Next up is Mappy.
I love Mappy.

He's got a really
excited look on his face.

Why are you
so excited, Mappy?
Come over here.

Tell us why, Mappy.
Swords!

Ooh, swords!
Look at those.

[Mappy] I'm selling the
ultimate sword package.

[Woman] What's included in that?

Hopefully some bandages.

All kinds of swords,
finely crafted.

They're beautiful.

You can see your
reflection in them.

I can see these behind glass
in a living room or a den

in Middle America.

[Woman] You paint
a pretty picture.

Over a hearth or furnace
or whatever you have.

I would see these
over my work area,

down in the basement,

where I can come down alone

after an argument with my wife.

Look at the swords.
Look at the swords.

Take 'em out too,
and sharpen 'em.

Swing 'em around
in your backyard.
It's fun.

Listen to the sound.
[whoosh]

Beautiful. Listen again.
That is... yeah.
[whoosh]

You could almost record that
and make a musical out of it.

I would buy a C.D.
of that sound.

We have only 13 minutes
left on this...

Swords.

Look, let's get
another close-up...

Swords.

♪♪ [rock]

Those are awesome.
No, they're
not awesome.

There's a big difference
between awesome
and extremely expensive.

How'd you get the money
to buy those swords?
That's so cool.

I don't have the money
to buy these swords.

How do you get 'em?

I gotta return 'em.

Why?

I don't want swords.

Why don't you want swords?

Who would want swords?

I do.
You want to buy 'em?

No.
Why?

I don't have any money.
Then you're sharing and
understanding my problem.

Why'd you buy 'em?
It's complicated, Brendon.

What's so complicated?
I can understand it. Why?

You don't understand.
I could probably understand.

You would never understand
unless you lived alone.

You live by yourself,
get lonely and buy swords?

I don't understand.

Oh, you nailed it.

That's it?
Yeah.

So, you probably won't be
investing in my movie then?

No, if it requires money.

Yes. Oh, who cares
about this stupid movie?

It's the biggest piece of crap.

I would rather do anything
than work right now.

I should be doing stupid
kid stuff, you know?

Look around this field.
Look at these kids.

They're just having fun.
Look at Jeremy.

Doesn't have a care
in the world. He goes
home and eats cookies.

I talk to him all
the time. I say, "What'd
you do last night?"

"Went home, ate cookies
and a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich." That's it.

But he's obese.
He's a big kid.

These are actually pretty cool.

The only reason I have
anything to do with
this dumb piece of crap

is Jason and Melissa
are so excited about it.

Brendan, duck.

That was really close.

Jump, Brendon.
Oh, my God.

Hold up that
soccer ball.
No.

C'mon. It'll be fun.
I'll cut it in half.
You're gonna k*ll me.

Hold it above your head
so I don't hit you.
Don't k*ll me.

Don't close your eyes.
I want you to see it.

Coach, me and Eugene got
to go early today.

Here is a note.

You guys got another
Skunk Scout meeting?

Ya.

You going to w*r?

Ha ha ha,
very funny.
Nice swords.

You are kung fu hot shot.

Yeah.

Look. There's Brendon,
we was gonna talk to him.

Brendon, me and Eugene
want to talk to you

about this maybe
join the Skunk Scout.
Really, me?

That's right.
We think you'd make
a good Skunk Scout,

and also, me and Eugene
get a badge for that.

I can't really join
the Skunk Scouts right now.

I gotta find investors
for this movie.

You will learn to defend
yourself in a fire.

We know how to sew like
if your shirt gets ripped.

We learn how to make stick,
hunt fish and k*ll bear.

One time, we come so
close to k*lling a bear,

the guy from the zoo was
like, "Get outta here."

Eric almost k*ll a mountain
lion and alligator. He
threw a penny on his head.

I don't know. Guys,
I've got work to do.

We learn how to make socks
out of a shirt sleeve.

And how to make Caesar Salad

and how to swim okay.

Guys, I should...
you know, that sounds...

It sounds like fun, actually,

but I gotta do
this stupid movie.

When's the meeting?

[humming]

Brendon, why are you
joining the Skunk Scouts?

Yeah, this is kind
of bad timing.

We have a movie to sell.
This is the most stressful
day of my life.

I'm being inducted into
the Skunk Scouts.
I don't need this drama.

What about getting investors
for our movie?

I'm workin' on it with
the Skunk Scout kids' parents.

They'll give us money.

But we might need your help.
For what? You are goin' door-to-
door for the movie, right?

But the investors might wanna
meet the director, the writer...
Okay, listen.

Call me when you need me
to come in and close the deal.

So Jason and I start the pitch
and you'll finish it.

Yes, I'll get there.
Don't worry.

I get it. He shows up
a little late...
Like he's really busy.

Right.
I like it.

I like it too.
Okay, great.

Jason and I have merchandise
we'd like to show you.

Fantastic. That's great.
I'm excited you've been working.

If you will...
What we have here, Brendon,

are the official
Wizard's Baker
action figures.

Ooh...
[Brendon]
Ooh, wow.

Here's your character, Brendon.
[clears throat]

Wait. Hold on.
That's Melissa's.
Melissa's? Okay.

A goat.

No. The cow.
[Jason]
The cow.

This is the cow, sort of.

Yes?
It's an action figure.

Right. Are these
the final versions?

Yeah. 'Course they are. Why?

Because... I... like them.
Oh, Melissa. The posters.

Right. The posters.
[Brendon]
Posters? Wow.

Yes, and these, too,
are the final versions,

approved by Jason and me.

Get a load of these.
[Brendon]
Whoa. Hello.

Very good.
It's a beauty, right?

Wait, guys.
Is this spelled right?

W-I-Z-I-R-D?

I'm not...

Jason, is that...
Um... yes.

All right, well, good. Great!
See ya later.

As Den Leader Lindenson,

of Troop Number
Roman numeral 43,

I hereby say

you... are... in...

Hold it...

The Skunk Scouts now, yes!

Congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you, everyone.

Okay, I'll see you all
next week. Thanks.
Have a nice...

Mr. Lindenson, hold on.

We're supposed to talk about
the Skunk Wood Derby today.
Can't follow you...

I said, uh...
The derby with the vroom-vroom,
r-r-r-r-r...

Hold it!

Hard to concentrate.

All right.
Here we go.

You build a little car

out of a little piece of 2 x 4

and race it on a sloping track,

whatever that means.

So... do that.

Is-is...
Is there any other questions?

It's next week, right?

I don't know!
It be next week.

Look at calendar.
Afterward is spaghetti dinner,
Mr. Lindensonmenen...

Okay, Mr. Attention
to Every Detail.
Hold on.

Oh. Okay. Right.
It's next week.

Hello, sir and ma'am. Me and my
friend Melissa would only like
a minute of your time.

Yes. You. Do you
like movies?

Do you like money?
Let us in your house.
We're gonna make you rich.

Rich, rich, rich.

The projected movie's money
back making are, Jason?

Uh, thank you.
So we're looking at
at least a few million.

I would say, in the ballpark
of a million or more.

I would say you're right,

and you'll be given
a guarantee, as a stock-haver,

that The Wizard's Baker
will indeed make...

I'm sorry.
One second, Melissa.

What a beautiful baby.
May I hold him?
Is it a him?

Listen carefully.
I wanna return the swords.

That's all. That's all I want!

I want my money back.
[Woman]
I already told you, sir.

All cutlery is non-refundable.

Lady, swords are not cutlery!

Well, we like to think they are.

[groans]
All right. That's it.

I am gonna use these swords
in a very bad way.

All right? So when you
hang up your phone,

remember, you made someone
use swords in a bad way.

As long as you don't
return 'em, I don't care
what you do with 'em.

Thank you for calling
Shop Your House.

Ahh!

Well, Brendon, the director,

he should be here any minute,

to help us explain the creative
things of the film.

Again, I'm sorry
about dropping your baby.

That's a very heavy baby...

I'll just go ahead
and tell you about the movie.
It's a classic story.

Wizards, cows. Melissa?

Yes, and you put it
all together in a big, um...

Movie.
Uh-huh.

And we're talking
about making millions.
Right.

Once you get the movie done,
the millions start coming.
Right.

[phone dialing]
How are we doing
on time?

He should be here
any second.
[phone ringing]

Your baby is eating
one of the action figures.
That can't be good.

Vroom, vroom, vroom.
[phone ringing]

This is fun.
Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Vroom!

We get trophy if we win race.

Spaghetti dinner... It is also
awards ceremony.
[ringing continues]

I will be victorious over you!

There's something very
diabolical and informative
about Eugene.

Rr-rr-rroom.

Naturally, our director
is extremely busy.
[ringing continues]

I don't think he's coming.
Scurrying around the city,
finding locations...

He's not coming. Our stupid
director isn't coming!
Melissa, you're blowing a deal.

Why me? It's Brendon!
All right! I agree!
He's stupid!

You know something?
This is stupid!
Jason, you're blowing the deal!

No, I'm not! It's Brendon!
You're the one
who dropped the baby!

So? It's a fat baby!
How was I supposed to hold it?

You try picking it up!
I'm not picking up fat babies!

What's the matter? Chicken
to pick up a fat baby?

There it is! Pick him up!
That's it. I'm leaving.

Good-bye!
[door slams]

[sighs]

I am so sorry
for what you just witnessed.

But I'd like to talk to you two
about back-end points.

[Mrs. Small]
Dinner's about ready, if you
wanna wash your hands.

[sniffs]
They smell clean.

Did you get the messages
that Jason and Melissa called?

Nope.
Really? You didn't see this
big pile of messages

that said they
called about 40 times?

Brendon, are you avoiding
Jason and Melissa?

Nope.
Are you sure?

[phone ringing]
[repeating]
I'm not here. I'm not here.

Hello.
I'm not here...

Hello, Jason and Melissa.

Yes, he's right here.
I'm not... Thanks, Mom.

[clears throat]
Hello?

Oh, Melissa, he lives.

Yeah, Jason.
How about that?
Unbelievable.

What's going on, guys?
We haven't seen much
of you lately, Brendon.

Well, I... The Skunk Scouts
have really kept me busy.

That certainly is
a very interesting story.

I hope you're having fun,
because me and Melissa

are busting our asses
trying to sell your movie.

Guys, I'm doing my job.

I've got a bunch of...
[clears throat]
potential clients

and I think I've got a shot
at winning the Skunk Wood Derby.

I know you're like,
"Why does that make
a difference?"

But you guys, like, bring
the sales kit when I win

and we'll sell to
a c*ptive audience
at the spaghetti dinner.

Is there really
a Skunk Wood Derby?
Yeah.

Cool.
It's pretty awesome.

But the point is,
guys, I really
have to go eat dinner.

See you later.
Don't hang up!

Why should I take your side?
[stammering]
Because you love me.

I do, but that won't
hold up in court.

I'm on my side and I refuse
to feel guilt for avoiding

the worst movie I ever wrote,
directed, starred in and wrote
the music for, kind of.

Don't you feel responsible
in some way...

No, not at all, because I'm
gonna take my name off it, so...
You're acting childish.

The only reason it's gone this
far is because Jason and Melissa
are so into this movie.

Look, I'll get the spaghetti.
You wait in line 'cause things
are backing up.

[Brendon]
All right.

So, here's the swords.
I'll take the food.

I'm sorry... It's a great deal.

These swords are worth
way more money than this food.
Um-hmm.

I'm following you...
You understand the logic?

I do.
It just makes sense for your
market to take these swords

and I'll take the food
and go eat.

But we don't take swords.
I'm not asking you
to take swords all the time.

I'm asking you to take these
swords now 'cause they're worth
a lot of money.

If I take your swords, I have
to take everybody's swords.

Check this out.
Sir...

Please put that down.
This is... Look.

Put the sword down.
This is an exact replica
of Excalibur.

It has magical powers,
all right?
Okay.

I don't know how
to release the magical powers...
Sir...

Point that towards
the ground, please,
and not at me.

I'm not gonna hurt you.
Sir, I'm gonna call
my manager.

Call your manager, 'cause then
he's gonna look at the swords

and you're gonna
be real embarrassed when...

Hello? Tom, can you call
the police?

Sorry. You were saying?

Coach, what are you doing?
Hey, Brendon.

What's goin' on?
What's up?

You got a sword still?
Yeah, same sword.

You got it pointed at a guy.
I was showing it to him.

Everyone's afraid
that you're gonna k*ll somebody.

I said, "I know that dude.
He doesn't k*ll people."

No. Thank you. I had no
intention of k*lling him.

I was trying to trade
the swords for food.
Oh, I see.

Hey, I have a spaghetti dinner
I'm going to. Do you know that?
For the Skunk Scouts.

That's great. Have fun.
Do you wanna come?

Is it free?
Yes.

Then I'll go.
[police sirens]

I'm hearing police sirens.
Yeah, I'd better go.

Yeah. I'll see you later.
All right.

[applause]

Welcome to the Skunk Wood Derby.

On my count, we start the race.

Nobody else's count.
Go!

[cheers, applause]

Brendon, these are
the high-profile clients?
Yes. No.

Yes.
So you've been working
on getting money from them?

Yes.
We're supposed
to believe that?

Yes. What?

It's just that, we have
been out... Cool car.

It took me a long time
to make this.

You haven't done anything!
Regarding what?

The movie!

What do you mean?
See, I resent that!

[Man]
Brendon! You're up
for the semi-finals.

Guys, listen.
If I win,

then we get to pitch
The Wizard's Maker, okay?

Baker.
Wizard's Baker.

But we get to pitch it
in front of everybody,
all right? I gotta go.

♪♪ [heavy metal]

♪♪ [continues]

One more time
for all the contestants.
[applause]

Third place goes
to Junior Adelberg.

Well, that's something at least.

Second place goes to Eugene.

[deadpan]
Yay. Yahoo. Yahoo.

And first place
in the Skunk Wood Derby

goes to Brendon Small!
[cheers, applause]

Thank you!

It's so great to be
a part of the Skunk Scouts.
I wanna thank Junior.

I wanna thank Eugene.
I hope I'm not
forgetting anybody.

Winning this isn't just for me.
It's for everybody in Troop 43.

Troop number 43!
[cheers, applause]

Yes. Yes.
What about...

The pitch?
What?

The pitch for the movie.
The whole reason
you're doing this.

For The Wizard's Baker.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
They're eatin' dinner.

But this is the perfect time
to get everyone's attention.

You know, now that I get
up there, I don't think
it's such a good idea.

We brought all the merchandise.
They're in such a good mood
and I just won the race,

I don't think, not now.

Forget it. I'll do it
on my own.

Let's give a big round of
applause for Brendon Small

for winning first place
in the Skunk Wood Derby.

[scattered applause]

For those of you who don't know
Brendon as well as I do,

you wouldn't know
that Brendon is also
a very talented filmmaker.

That's right.
And we...

Me, Brendon and Melissa...

Have a new film project
that we'd like
to pitch to you

in order for you
to invest in it.

So what do you say?

Who wants to be a part
of the film business?
[single applause]

So if someone could just
shut the lights,

here's a clip
of our work-in-progress
called The Wizard's Baker.

It's a musical,
can you believe it?

♪ Moo moo moo
Moo moo moo ♪

♪ I am a cow
Moo moo moo ♪

So there you have it.

Who would like to invest
their money in that?

I'm sorry,
my fellow Skunk Scouts.

I'm sorry that you had
to see that.

I had nothing to do
with that movie!
What?

Get off the stage!
Get out of my world!
Don't talk like that!

It's stupid! I hate it! I hate
it! It doesn't make sense!
It's not stupid!

Wizard's Baker doesn't make
any sense!

Don't listen to him!
He's crazy!

Skunk Scouters! Get him out
of here! Attack!

Give me the mic!
Attack, Skunk Scouts!

Give me the mic back!
[mic feedback]

Get him, Melissa!
Ow!

[overlapping shouting]
[Melissa, on film]
♪ Moo moo moo ♪

Give it back!
Give it, Brendon!

Let go of my hair!
Let go of my hair!
[slashing]

[swords slash]
[doors creak, thud]

Spaghetti time.
[panicked shouts]

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you. I absolutely
hate The Wizard's Baker.

I think it's the worst
piece of crap I've ever
been a part of.

There's no way we can talk
people into giving us money
for it. There's no plot.

It makes no sense.

Huh. Then I guess
I'll rip this up.

What is that?
A check for $30,000.

Who gave you that?
A retired colonel.

The Wizard's Baker
is gonna get made after all.

Screw The Wizard's Baker.
We got 30 grand.

Let's set up a college fund!
Oh, man.

You're so practical.
Come on! It'll be fun.

We'll go to the bank.
[slash]

♪♪ [electric guitar]

♪♪ [heavy metal]

♪♪ [continues]