04x07 - Curses

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

All right, Jeremy, let's reboot.

Wait, Aganon. I haven't
finished adjusting
her emotional settings.

sh**t!
I got a shock!

I don't like this.
Let's stop now.
We can't stop now.

My mother'll be home soon and
she'll have a negative reaction
if she finds we created

the perfect female robot.

Hey, sailors, what's up?
How about a good time?

Oh, cool.
Oh, my gosh, Jeremy.

She's coming on to us
faster than a 5-gig processor.

What did you set
her desire levels at?
25.

25!
25.

Are you unstable?
Maybe.

Do you know what I put
in her desire memory? Porn.

Pornographics?
Thousands of it.

Thousands of porn.

Who wants to touch my butt?

She's awesome.

Oh, my God,
if my mother finds out

I have a woman
of questionable character,
she'll lose it.

Do you wanna touch
my butt or not?
No.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
No. No. Jeremy, no.

Yes, Aganon! Everything will
be fine as long as we can
control her mind and emotions.

You two are just
a coupla ing geeks.

Oh, my God.
Jeremy, she just swore
in my house.

Shut off her power.
I did, I did.

- She's not responding.
- What the?

Oh, my God.
Now you're swearing
in my house.

Will you
shut the up
and help me?

I... Oh, my God.
So long,
mother ers.

Where you going?
Stop.

I think I hear
my mother coming.
Uh-oh.

I think I hear my mother coming!

- My mother!
- Oh, oh...

Uh, Aganon, I'm home.

What's going on...
up there?

Who the
is that?
Shh. It's my mother.

What?
Not talking to you.

Stick to the script,
please.
Oh, sorry.

Go sit down, Ruth.

- Ruth?
- Who the is Ruth?

That's your name.
Your name is Ruth the Robot.

No, my name's not Ruth,
okay, nerdo?

My name is Sexy.
Sexy O'Sullivan.

Aganon, why can't
we control her?
She's Irish?

Aganon... I'm coming upstairs
to see what you two
trouble makers are up to.

Oh, !

No, I didn't know
the language content of...

- Well, actually, yes.
- Okay, I was in it...

I had a small role in it,
but it was off-camera stuff.

I wasn't even there, you know?

You know, I think I have
another call.

Can you hold on a second?
Hello?

Uh, hello...
Hi, Mrs. Oliver.

I have a very bad problem
to tell you.
Uh-huh.

Junior sees the movie.
He says a bad word...
Okay, you know, I'm...

Lemme finish. He said
bad words to the kitty cat...

and the kitty cat will not
come outta the closet.
Could you hold on a second?

Ing Brendon.
Hi, Mrs. Mueller,
have a seat.

I got two people ahead of you,
but you'll be able to yell
at me shortly.

You're right. Cursing is an
excellent way to convey emotion,
but not always acceptable.

Yeah, but in the movies
it's acceptable.
But not for kids.

Swearing when you're young
can become a crutch,

and you'll get lazy
and your vocabulary
will turn to.

But I don't swear all the time.

I know, but this incident
makes us both look bad.

Not both of us.
Both of us.

That's why I've
invited all the parents
to come over and watch

a new, cleaned-up version
of the movie next week.

What?

And I'll have to read
the script before you sh**t.

You're gonna censor me?
I'm just gonna take out
the potty-mouth words.

Why are you cracking
down like this?
And also, here.

What's that?
A curse jar.

What's a curse jar?
Every time you swear,
you put money in the jar.

At the end of the week,
we donate it to charity.

No.
Here's a list of curses
and their monetary values.

Holy!
The F-word is $3?

Too much?
Yeah.

Then don't say it.

I gotta agree with your mom.
Cursing is a sign of ignorance.

Oh, ref!
Ouch.

Please!
Whoa.

There's no place for cursing
in a civilized society.
Yeah.

I'm telling you this
because I'm a coach.
I know.

You're just a kid.
Yeah.

You can't go around
cursing now.
Yeah.

It'll ruin you
when you get older.
But do you think...

What the was that, ref!
Oh.

Are you taking a!
Is that what you're doing!
Or are you making a call!

'Cause if you can make a call,
make a call, but don't take
a out there!

- That's taking a!
- That's taking a in my ing mouth!

And I don't wanna eat your, you!

Wow.

Unless, Brendon... Yeah?

Unless you know how
to do it right.
Which you do.

Obviously.
Yeah, my ears are
still ringing.

Yeah. It's called
creative use of words.
Right.

It's like poetry,
like Robert Frost.
Right.

"Stopping by the Woods on
a Snowy ing Evening."
Right.

That kinda.
That's good stuff.

But it's my poetry.
Right.

It's the everyday
man's poetry.
Yeah, yeah.

'Cause we can't find good
metaphor like the woods.
Yeah.

Or the snow or the horse
or that kinda stuff.
Right.

Oh, ing me, ref!

Hey, guys.
Erik.

Yeah.
Long time, no see.
Want a ing donut?

Uh...
I'm good, thanks.

Hey, where's Melissa?

She's in the net.
She's playing
goalie today?

No, she's stuck in the net.

She's been there
for like an hour.
Hi, Dad!

Hi, sweetheart.
Go... Go get 'em.

If in fact that's
what you wanna do.

So, Erik, what are you
doing with yourself?

Well, I'm dropping
the kids off at Brendon's...
Melissa, get back in the game.

Game's over,
coach. We lost.
Oh. Good game.

Hey, you kids ready?

Where's Jason?
He said he'd
meet us later.

So, Erik, let's do something
after you drop the kids off.

You wanna go out?
I'm doing something.

I'm going to
my journal-writing class.

Blow it off.
We'll go to the track.
I like my class, John.

It's a wonderful exercise
that allows me to get
in touch with my emotions...

Great, well, let's
go to the movies instead.

No, because
I-I'm going to my class.

I... See, I already
have a legal pad.
Mm.

Well, let's grab a beer.
We'll go to a bar...

Let's go to a...
like a theme bar.
I'm sorry, John.

I'm going to my
journal-writing class.
Pfft. Boring.

Let's play mini-golf.
Go bowling. Watch a game.
Go to a rodeo.

No. I'm gonna
stay here.

There's an art festival
along the river.

We can get a glass of wine,
put out a blanket, you know?

Yeah.
Buy a salami...
and some cheese.

Hey, I didn't ask you to come.

In fact, I'd prefer
to take the class
by myself.

Hey, all women, huh?
Yeah.

Now I see why you
take this class, Erik.

Huh? You dog.

You dirty dog.
Ruff!

Let's see your teeth, you dog.

No, but I'm not
in it for the women.
Oh, come on.

You're in it
for the women,
obviously.

No, that's...

Only for the journal writing,
and that is the truth.

Jason. Finally.
Where've you been?
Walking.

You were supposed to pick me up.

Melissa said you were
gonna meet us here.

No. Melissa, I told you
I needed a ride.
You did?

Sorry. I guess
I wasn't listening.

Sorry? Well, sorry
doesn't cut it, Melissa.
I'd like an apology.

Okay, I apologize.

You've been acting
kinda weird lately.
Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.
Everything's just fine.
Let's get back to work, guys.

Stop looking at me.

Well... I see we have
a new face in the class.

Would you like
to introduce yourself?

You bet. Name's John McGuirk,
and my buddy Erik
dragged me here.

Mm.
So let's get to it.

Oh! Okay!

I should probably
mention that
I'm single...

Uh, 38-ish...
and I'm in pretty
good shape.

- I play a lotta soccer.
- Wow!

And I'm
a journal freak.
Oh!

I'm like a fanatic
journal lover.

Well, that's great.
Yeah.

We'll be looking forward
to hearing one of your
passages next week.

You want me to read...
from... I thought journals
were, like, private.

Well, you only read
what you want others to hear.

All right.
So let's listen
to some journals!

How about starting off
with Sondra.

So... I was dreading
euthanizing Asia...

Asia was my cat's name
in case anyone... forgot.

"I had begun to prepare
myself to hold Asia
during her death...

"To hold her until
her normally busy paws
went limp.

"Unfortunately,
I never got that chance

"because Asia jumped
out of her carrier

"and got hit by... a...

ca... car."

Seems pretty
vulnerable right now.
Yeah.

I should probably...
ask her out.

Okay, scene eight.
Brendon? What's with
the jar of money?

Can I have it?
Uh, it's a curse jar
to stop me from swearing.

If I use a curse word
like, uh...

then I have to...
I know.

Then I have to
put money in.
Yeah.

Say, uh, that thing again.

Brendon, stop.

Don't overdo it.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna pee.

I don't trust my father!

I think he's seeing
another woman.

Uh...
Um...

Weeeird...
Whaaat...?

Weird... Weird.
What...
What.

Hi. I liked your
journal thing.
That was good.

Thanks.

You wanna go get
a drink after the class,
or even now?

No.
Oh.

I didn't take this class
to meet someone, okay?

I took it to examine my soul.

I suggest you...
go find yourself.
Look...

I am beginning to not want
to go out with you, so...

I suggest you turn this around.

"And then he said..."
What are
you doing?

I'm writing about it
in my journal.
Right now?

Yeah.
Can't you wait?

Uh, name's John McGuirk.

M, C, Big G,

U, I... Wait a minute.

Wait, M, C, Big G...

You know what?
You write it.

Uh...
"then I took her journal

"and started writing in it.

"This is weird, comma, I said,

"and wrote, wait a minute,

"this is getting too weir..."

You're welcome.

Uh... you wanna go out?

What's so funny?

Hey, you.
In, uh...

With the braid.
Wanna go out?

Jeez, Erik, this is
gonna be tougher
than I thought.

- Erik?
- Erik.

Oh, my G...

Erik.
Yes?

What is going on
with that woman...
and you?

Y-You mean
Joviana?
Joviana?

Is that her name?
Yeah.

What is she, a hippy?

It's an unusual name,
I admit that.

You shouldn't make out
in class. It's rude.

You know what? I can't stop
thinking about this woman.
Mm-hm.

I met her last semester
when I first took the class.
Yeah?

And I haven't seen
her again until tonight.

Well, why not?
I mean, seems like
you two get along well,

As in, you were
making out with her.

It's because of
Melissa that I can't...
see her more often.

Wow. Melissa doesn't like
the idea of you replacing
her mom, right?

No, she just doesn't like
the idea of me dating.

She'd k*ll me
if she found out.
I don't think that's true.

I mean, Melissa
couldn't k*ll you.

No, she could.
She's vicious.

Hi, Daddy. I missed you.

I missed you too, sweetheart.

Hey, are your lips swollen?

What are you talking...

I smell perfume.
Me too.
That is so weird.

What's...
What is going on?
Why are your lips all puffy?

Um... because I was inflating
beach ba*ls all night.

You were kissing someone,
weren't you?

What...?
What, kissing?

Liar!

Sweetie...
Just go home!

Go home! I'm sleeping
over at Brendon's.

For the rest of my life!
What?

Brendon, I'll be upstairs.

Please bring a glass
of water when you come up.
Wha...?

You know, you have
to take a stand sometimes.
Yeah, it's tough.

Families are, um,
families are tough.

It's so difficult.
Just the options...
Yeah.

Every day shrink.

I know.
What I can do
in a given day.

Wanna go to a titty bar?

- Sure.
- I'm in!

♪♪

It's been almost a week.
I don't know what to do.
She won't talk to me.

Loan me your journal.
You wanna borrow
my journal? Why?

I'm supposed to read
from mine tomorrow, and
I haven't written anything.

John, you can't copy from
my journal. This is my life.
Erik, shut up.

Okay.
I wanna see how you arranged
yours. What the setup was.

Look, I'm sorry.
I'm not comfortable
lending you my journal.

All right, I'll tell you what.
Lend it to me and I'll tell you
how to get Melissa back.

Okay.
Here's the journal.
Thank you.

How do I get her back?
I don't know.
But I fooled you.

You son of a b*tch.
Sorry. See you in class.

Hi guys.
And girl.

- Oh, yeah, and girl.
- Hi.

Guys, this is a private
production meeting.

- So if you don't mind.
- Jason.

Oops.
Oops.
Put in 50 cents, Walter.

- Okay.
- 50 cents for.

You guys have a curse jar too?

Yeah. We heard
about Brendon's,
so we started our own.

Everybody's been talking
about Brendon's curse word jar.
And we want one too!

We wanted one
and we got one!
We wanted it and we got it!

It's ing awesome.
Fifty ing cents, Walter.

You too.
Oh, yeah.

But guys, the idea
is not to swear.

Right.
you.
Yeah, you.

- And you, Perry.
- Yeah, you, Walter.

Anyway, um...
Brendon, before
we start...

Bye!
Bye, guys.

You know what, Brendon? Sorry
to bring this up again, but...
Yeah.

Can I ask you not to leave
a glob of toothpaste
in the sink every morning?

It's really disgusting.

Brendon,
you didn't swear.
Trust me, I did.

And Jason?
Uh-huh?

After you shower,
you might not wanna leave
your wet towels on the floor.

- It's kind of unsanitary.
- All right.

I gotta go.
I'll see you guys
tonight.

She is driving me crazy.

She also shouldn't
watch me shower.

- I have to get her out of my ing house...
- before I go broke or insane.

Why doesn't she just
go home? Doesn't she
realize she's not wanted?

Jason, um...
you don't have to stay
at my house every night either.

Yeah, right, funny.
Good one.

Look, can you
talk to her?
No. No more talking.

She needs to be
taken care of.
What are you suggesting?

I have a plan.
I don't wanna know.

You won't be involved.
I'll handle it.
What are you gonna do?

I don't wanna know.
I'll handle it.

Gives me the creeps.

Hey, coach.

What're you reading?
Erik's journal.
His private journal.

Mm. May I?
Help yourself.

Thank you.

Tell me if this is
a good opening line.
Okay.

"And so begins my journey
inward. My journal
to the center of McGuirk."

Oh, yeah, that's like a...
You know what that
reminds me of?

That movie...
Journey to the Center
of the Earth.

Yeah. It's supposed to, idiot.
I'm being clever.
Oh.

And I'm gonna be reading this
in front of a roomful of women.

Oh, yeah.
So I wanna impress them, I wanna
get them right from the get-go.

From the title.
Right, so...

I don't wanna make it dumb, like
"McGuirk's kick-a*s journal."

Something like that.
Right. Yeah.

Wanna make it a little
more... literary.
Right.

And then you wanna
impress 'em, make 'em think...
Then sleep with 'em.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

What do you mean,
you lost my journal?
I mean, I lost it.

And, like, I left it
somewhere or I dropped it,
I don't know.

I don't think you get it.
There's personal stuff
in there. My-my...

Oh, you know what?
What?

I did, uh...
Went to the movies.
Maybe I left it there.

Why don't we swing
by the movie theater
and see if we can find it?

Right, right.
What do you think of this?
It's between these two:

"Journal to the center
of McGuirk," right?

Or "Journal to the center
of McGuirth-k"...
with a K on the end.

You know, I can't talk
to you about this.
I'm too upset.

You're in here,
by the way.
What is all this stuff?

It's... stuff for my
journal reading tonight.
But why do you...?

To be quite honest
with you, I didn't
write a lot.

But I am gonna show
a whole buncha clips
of movies I like.

Okay. Good.
This is...
This is very good.

But, um, could you
not say "damn"?

But the character is
referring to the Hoover Dam.

Yeah, but... maybe you could
just call it the...
"big Hoover water-stopper wall"?

Mm.
Okay, fine.

Um, you can leave that in.
This is good, though.
I like it.

But don't you think it's...
too clean and boring?
No. No, boring?

When Virginia O'Sullivan...
love that name,
much better than Sexy...

Mm-hm.
When she starts going crazy
and destroying the house,

and Jeremy throws down
the controls and screams,
"Quit clowning around,"

I... I got chills.

I mean, no. This
is nice and clean.

It's... This is... Mm-hm.

I think this works.

Well, guys, let's sh**t it.

Okay. Now we're gonna
hear from John.

Thank you.

Okay.

Uh, the music.

♪♪ All right.

"And so begins
my journey inward.

My, uh...

My journal to the center
of McGuirk."

Uh...
that was a waste
of a rental.

Um...

♪♪

"Dear journal...

"It's Tuesday night,
and I'm sitting here with...
my bottle of chardonnay...

"relaying the events of my day.

"I went to the video store
earlier to rent three
adult videos.

"I had read some interesting
reviews online,

"and always like to know
what I'm renting before
I go in there.

"Especially when it comes
to adult videos."

Um...

Okay.

"Anyway, on Wednesday morning
I woke up and... and...

"and I... performed...

"I woke up and... pre-formed...

"Pre... Something,
something laundry."

Uh...

"The machine"...

Wait a minute.

I'm missing a...
Lemme shut this music down
for one second.

Goes from one to three.

In any event... as far as
I remember, I did laundry.

There was a thing about, um...

that, uh, baby laundry
detergent, which I buy
'cause it's cheaper.

Uh, but it's... also, uh...

I think I said something
about it being a gimmick.

It's the same as
regular detergent.

I don't know why babies
need... different detergent.

Something like that.

There's that whole thing
on my laundry and also about...

the laundry room
in my apartment complex.

And I wrote a letter
to my landlord

about them changing it
to make it free laundry.

I don't think we should
pay maintenance
and pay for laundry.

And that was that.

Oh. Here it is.

So... yeah.

"I went and did my laundry.

"I use baby detergent 'cause
it's a little bit cheaper.

"But then I was thinking,
why do babies need
different detergent?

"Can't they use the same one
as everybody else?
It's not like they'll die.

"My apartment
complex has..."

Erik, we can't keep
making out in the back
of classrooms.

You have to stand up
to your daughter.

No, I don't.
See, next semester we can
take cardio-kickboxing...

No. If you wanna see me again,
it's gotta be on a real date.

Introduction
to Grief?
No.

Introduction
to Latin Dance?
No.

Latin Grief?
Forget it.

Intermediate Hip-hop
for the Grieving Latin?
A real date or nothing.

You're right.

You are absolutely right.
Lemme talk to her.

Secretly, Virginia,
I wanna be your boyfriend.
I love you.

Even though you're a robot
without a heart or lungs
or skin.

- Melissa?
- Cut.

We're sh**ting here.
Oh. Jeez, I'm sorry.
This'll just take a sec.

Melissa, I really like this
woman in class. I wanna go
on a date with her.

I understand,
and the answer is no.
Lemme rephrase the question.

I really like this woman
in class, and I wanna go out
with her... on a date.

Still no.

Brendon, I thought you were
gonna handle this.

She was supposed to find
your journal and read it.
You mean this?

I found it at the soccer field.

So, did you read it?
I'm not gonna read my father's
journal. That's gross.

If you read it,
it would help you
to understand.

I don't want to.
Read it, Melissa.

Yeah, read it.
Read it.

All right, I'll read it.

Another game of chess, Brendon?

Nah, I think three's my limit.
Plus we don't know how
to play chess at all.

I really like
the pieces.
The pieces are fun.

I didn't read
the whole thing.
I couldn't.

I got to the part that says,
"Dear journal, I am so lonely.

"I am really pathetic, and
I really, really need a date."

I did not write that.
Sorry, I put
that in there.

Sorry.
Forget about
the journal.

Remember that time
we found a little bird?
Yeah.

And we took it in and
nursed it back to health?
Uh-huh.

What we learned from nursing
that bird together...
Uh-huh.

Was that we nurture each other
when we nurture things.

I gotta go out
with this girl. Tonight.
Wow.

I mean, she wants me bad.
I want a woman. I need a woman.
Yikes.

Erik, lemme take a shot at this.

Melissa.
Mm-hm?

Men, we're an interesting group.

We have certain needs.

Jason, not your
"men have needs"
speech again.

He wants to have sex
with ladies, Melissa.
Everyone be quiet.

Dad?
Yeah?

Can we compromise?
Of course.

You can go out on dates,
but I have to meet her
by the third date,

and if I don't approve,
she's history.

I'll k*ll her myself.
Whatever you say.
Do I have my daughter back?

Yes.
Yay.

Thank ing God.

Brendon, you ready?
Mmm.

Are we ready?
Yes. Yes.

Is everybody ready?
Everybody's...
Mom.

Relax, please.
Just push play.
Here we go, everyone.

Please. I'm going outside.
I can't watch this piece
of crap.

Okay. Because he's so proud,
it's so good. Here we go.

Did you ask Mary Beth
Bushnik to the prom?

Yes. She declined.

Um, is your heart broken?

Yes. That's why
I invented this
female robot.

Mm-hm.
Meet Ruth,
the female robot.

Hel-lo.

Brendon, I wanna
thank you for what
you did. I really do.

Oh, don't mention it.
Too late.

Hey, I have an idea for a movie

about a man
who has a very
controlling daughter,

and she doesn't
let him date... but then
he ends up dating.

That's... the worst idea for
a movie I've ever heard.
How 'bout this:

A rogue shark terrorizes
a small island community.
I like it.

Brendon.
Yeah?

Your movie sucks.
Yeah, that's why
I'm out here.

Really sucks.
I know.

Erik. What's up?
Uh...

I got a call
from Miss Figg.
And what did she want?

She kicked me outta the class.
But then she asked me out
for a drink. Huh?

What do you think?
Yeah... that's okay.

- Huh?
- That's not bad.

Erik.
Erik... my man.
Y-You... You...

- You go.
- Put that in your ing journal.

Yeah.
Brendon.

Yeah?
What are you gonna do
with your curse money?

Can you give it to me?
Or what? Can I have it?
I don't care. Go ahead.

Thank you.
It's like 50 bucks.
I don't care.

What's that all about?

The movie was so boring
I spliced in a scene
of two dogs having sex.

Oh, that thing I gave you.
Yeah.

Good move.
Thanks.

Just two?