04x08 - Honkey Magoo

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Brendon, Melissa.
I have a bird
and you don't.

We know, Jason.
Yeah.

Take a good look.

We've seen it.
We're not blind.

- I'm like a town character now.
- That's right.

'Cause I have a bird,
and everyone knows who I am.
I'm Jason, the bird guy.

Yeah.
Right.

When's your
mom coming?
She's coming.

By the way,
my bird can talk.
Really?

Let's hear him talk.
Yeah.

He talked this morning
a whole bunch.

Like, almost a whole
conversation.
Let's hear it.

And I got the feeling
I might be able to teach
him to read.

Well, make him talk.
Let's hear it.
Go for it.

This morning he said...
"ssswim"... something
like "swimming."

"Swimming."
That's weird.

Yeah.
In regards to what?
Anything in particular?

I don't know.
He's just riffing.
I wanna hear him say something.

Hold on.
Tonto, speak.

- That's my cue word for him.
- Mm-hm.

Tonto, speak.
Tonto... speak.

Maybe he's tired.
Yeah mayb...

Shh. He can do it.
Give him a second.

Maybe he's nervous.
Sometimes I get quiet
around people.

Yeah... I bought him
because he talks.
It said talking parakeet.

Right.
It's a parakeet?

I think so. That's what
it said on the sign.

Was "talking"
in quotes?
What do you know about birds?

I bought him. He can talk.
Lemme move him into
a better position.

Okay.
Open his mouth with my finger.

Tonto.
Tonto!
Speak.

Don't do this to me.
Please speak.

Pretty bird!
Pretty bird!

- Is that what...
- Pretty bird! Pretty bird!

Is that how you're supposed
to do it? You're scaring him.
Yeah...

This is frustrating.
Hold on.

Say hi.
Hello. Hello!

Hello! Hello!
It's okay, Jason.
It's... You don't really...

Bad Tonto!
Bad bird!

It's all right.
Jason, jeez.

Talk!

- Hey! Ow.
- Sorry.

Tonto, back!
Jeez, he hit me
really hard.

Don't swing at a bird.
They're defenseless.
I didn't swing.

My hands were
at my side,
and he hit me.

It's not Tonto,
it's you guys.
You're provoking him.

What are you guys
still doing here?
Practice is over.

Hey, hey!

Bad bird,
Tonto. Heel!

Next time that thing comes
near me, I gonna eat it.
Got that, Tonto? Behave.

I'm leaving. Shouldn't you go
too? I can't leave you here.
I mean, I do, but...

My mom's picking me up.
And she's driving
us too, right?

Yeah.
Right, and Tonto too.
Right, buddy?

My bird?
My talking bird.

Brendon, you have
a note pinned to your chest.
I do?

Yeah.
I do. Hey.
How long has that been there?

It's been there all day.
I thought you knew.
It has?

You haven't read it yet?
No. I can't read
it from here.

It's addressed to me.

It's from your mother.
Yeah?

Guess what, she's not
picking you up.
She isn't?

No. She wants me
to drive you home.
Really?

Why wouldn't
she just tell me?
What are you doing?

I'm writing her back.
"Dear Paula... No.

Love... Coach... McGuirk."

See ya later.
See ya later.
Wait.

Why do you think your mom
would give you a note?

You probably have
a crappy relationship
with your mom, huh?

I know.
She must think
you'd forget.

Probably, yeah.

She must think you're
completely irresponsible.

Yeah, apparently.
That's not cool.
No, it isn't cool.

It's embarrassing.
That is embarrassing.

Walking around with a note,
I didn't know about it.

Everyone was talking
about it.
Really?

That's great.
Now I'm getting mad.
You have a right to be.

Note pinned to your
chest from your mom.
Yeah.

I mean, come on.
My dad used to do that
to me in nursery school.

No way to live.
The nerve! Putting
notes on people.

That's the way
you're gonna do things?
Whoa. Right?

If you're gonna put notes
on human beings, then hello!
Brendon, seatbelt.

No-no-nnnn...
Because...
Stop the car!

That was close.

Almost hit that dog.

It's not even a dog.
It's a puppy.

Can anybody help me outta here?

My bird talked.

No more rides, ever.

Wow. He clearly
doesn't have any tags.
He's abandoned.

It's clear,
he's totally abandoned.
We'll call the police.

Call the... Sure.
Right, call
the police.

And if it's somebody's
dog, they'll be able
to get him back.

But if they don't... Right.

Then...
Uhh..

Yep.
Then it's our puppy.

Then it's our puppy!

Oh, boy.

I know.

We have a puppy, guys.

Okay, wait.
We have a puppy, guys.
Oh, my God.

Okay, wait, wait.

We need to decide who's
gonna take him tonight.
I will.

Me.
I'll take him.
Me.

I'll take him.
I'll take him.
Me.

This isn't
gonna work.
I got it.

I got it, guys.
Potatoes.
Potatoes? We'll do Potatoes.

Perfect.
What are you
talking about?

Potatoes.
Potatoes, Melissa.

Watch and learn.

Whose potato, my potatoes,
high potato, low.

One, two, three and here we go.

First hand up
wins, I win.
Ohp...

That's not...
Sorry. You guys
lose, I win.

- My puppy.
- Man.

Give me the puppy.
Give it.
Jason...

Tonto, you have been replaced.

- Who wants a bird?
- Here Brendon.

I don't want that bird.
Take his string.

Okay, class.
Now I'm gonna draw
the lower intestine for you.

It's not an exact drawing.
This is the lower
intestine here.

Oh... blechh.

Excuse me, Mr. Lynch?
Why aren't you
using chalk?

Uh, we don't seem
to have any today.
It's a budget thing.

We got no chalk.
This school
is messed up.

Take a look at it
before it dries out.

I think that's for me.
Go. Just hurry up.

Shut up, Tonto.

Brendon, this dog
is sick or something.

He's been splattering
poop like a racehorse.

I don't think racehorses are
known for splattering poop.

Oh. What am I
thinking of?
You're thinking monkeys?

No, monkeys
throw poop.
Right, that's throwing poop.

You're sure about
the racehorse thing?

Yeah, that's peeing
like a racehorse.
Oh, right.

You can say he's been
splattering poop like
a monkey's been throwing it.

Let's do that.
Now, what's going on?
What's up?

This dog can't stay
at my house anymore.
Why?

Because he's been
splattering poop like
a monkey's racehorse.

Right.
So what do we do?

Either you or Melissa
will have to take him

because we can't have him
in my house anymore.

What is going on
out here?
Uh, nothing.

Nuh... Nothing, um... Well, good.

Let's wrap it up, mister,
and Jason, you should...

Oh, my God!
What a beautiful puppy!

Oh, yeah.
You know, we found him...

Oh, hello, little man!

Aren't you a good boy, huh?

What's your name,
little fella?
He doesn't have one.

He's sick.

Oh, are you sick, little buddy?

Ugh.
Okay. Okay.

Told you.
Whoa.

Oh, man.

- Whoa.
- Hello.

Guess I'm gonna
get outta here.
Clean this up, Brendon.

Yeah, clean it up, Brendon.

And no dogs in school.

He isn't sick, children.

He's just nervous,
so he's experiencing
an upset tummy.

Why is he nervous?
Hard to say.

Some animals are
emotionally unstable,
just like human ladies.

What?
Nothing.

My point is, this little fella
has gone through a lot of change
over the past few days.

He doesn't know if he's coming
or going. It's nerves.
What should we do?

He needs to be
put on a stable diet.
What have you been feeding him?

Uh... I fed him Thai food.
Is that bad?

I would start feeding
him dog food.

And I would name him too.
You guys have an idea
for a name?

Um... not yet.
Not really.

I'd give him a name
right off. That'll give him
an emotional center.

Basically what you got here
is a fairly healthy dog

who may have severe
emotional distress.

Sometimes dogs, especially lost
dogs, have emotional trauma
for the rest of their lives.

They don't forget it.
They log it in their memory
like women.

I think
we should go
to a new vet.

Oh, I'm not a vet.
What?

Nothing.

What's wrong
with Mr. Pickles?
Mm.

Mr. Pickles,
Melissa? Hello.
Yeah.

Jason has a point.
Hello. Honkey Magoo.

Honkey Magoo is
the best name.
I mean, look at him.

A Honkey Magoo
if I've ever seen one.

I'm gonna disagree
with you, Brendon.
Smatchmo.

Smatchmo the Trumpeteer.

That's the one
that would work best.

Mm, I'm gonna say nope,
Honkey Magoo.

Hello? Mr. Pickles.
That is the best name.

Well, I'm not
budging. Hello?
Hello? Neither am I.

- Hello?
- Hello?

You hear that?
Brendon, you hear that?
That was us.

No, it... That was Tonto?

His mouth
didn't move.
"Hello." He said, "Hello."

No, he didn't.
Tonto. Tonto,
say it again. Hello?

That was us.
Hello?
Hello?

He said it.
I'm telling you.
Your bird can't talk. Hello?

You don't know
how many times he said
hello to me this morning.

So you're telling me
that you're my wife
and you're my kid?

Yep.
Yep.

Shh. Quiet,
Smatchmo.

Should we...?
Yeah, yeah.

So but yesterday
I was a rich bachelor,

and I went to sleep
and now I have a fam... family?

Shut up,
Tonto.
Bad bird.

I didn't think I wanted
a family, but now I...

Honkey Magoo,
please!
Out, Mr. Pickles.

Out. Get out.
Move over there.
Tonto, get outta here!

I didn't think I wanted
a family, but now I don't
think it's so bad.

Really?
So you'll stay?
Of course. I...

Hey, hey, down!

Bad.
Bad, Mr. Pickles.

Really?
So then you'll stay?

I now realize
my bachelor lifestyle was
a shallow existence.

I met a lotta ladies, but there
was a void inside me, a void
now filled by a lovely wife

and a child that I have now
due to angelic forces, so of
course I'll stay... And cut.

You can let him go now, Jason.

And that is a wrap.

Cool. I'm gonna
go downtown and
sell my bird.

So when do we
start editing?
Soon, soon.

Can we edit out
the dog and the bird?

Sure, yeah, but first
there's something else
we need to discuss.

Right. Which one
of you two gets
the dog tonight.

It's between me
and Melissa.
I think it should be me.

No.
Let me go next, and then...
it'll be your turn.

We can't do it that way.
Why not?

Fair and square.
Uh... Melissa, Brendon.
May I suggest Potatoes.

All right, Potatoes.
Potatoes it is.
Fine.

Ready?
Mm-hm.

Potatoes, potatoes,
first hand wins. Me.
No way. No.

No, Brendon... He won, Melissa.

Two outta three,
two outta three.

Potatoes, I win.
Three outta five,
three outta five.

Potatoes, I win.
Four outta seven.

Potatoes, I win!
You're so bad
at Potatoes.

Yeah, you're no good at...
That's embarrassing.
I really want the dog!

Sorry. I wish... I wish
I could give it to you.
You could!

I wish I could,
but it'd be violating
every rule of the Potatoes.

Brendon, Melissa,
The dog and the bird
talked last night.

Hi, Mom.
Hey, sweetie.

Hey.
Dinner's
about ready.

That's okay, I'm gonna
go up to my room.
What?

I'm not hungry.
What's in that box?

Nothin'. It's...
How's it goin'?
Oh, my God. What is that thing?

Um... it's just a box.

Brendon.
Yeah?

It's moving.
Uh-oh.

Oh, my God. Brendon.
Hold on.

There's a wild animal
in the house. Get him!

Can we keep him?

Keep him? Get that thing
out of here right now.
He's in the kitchen.

He'll calm down eventually.
He always does.

Where did he go?
I don't know.

You don't know where he is.
There's a wild beast
in our house.

He's not wild, he's a puppy.

Whose dog is that?
It's our dog.

It's everybody's.
What do you
mean "ours"?

It's Jason and Melissa
and mine and
Coach McGuirk's...

If it's Jason's dog,
we should call Jason's...
No, it's everybody's.

We gotta take care
of him tonight.
Brendon, the dinner!

Oh, no.
Oh, my God.

We're supposed to talk
about the dog before you...
Mom, no!

Every child wants a dog
and we have a conversation,

then I say,
"No, you can't get a dog."

Why don't you just put
another note on my chest?

I did. I put a note on
that said "No dog."
You did?

You probably missed
that note too.

Oh, my God.
My everyday plates
and dishes... broken.

My good china, if I had it...
it would be gone.

My God, my laptop.
You little monster.

You're an animal.
A vicious, ungrateful...

Are you listening? 'Cause this
is the same speech I'm gonna
give to you in a minute.

Hello?
Melissa?

Yeah?
Hey, buddy.

My TV, ruined.
How's it going?

Hi, Brendon.
Hey, good news.

I know I won the thing,
but tonight's not a great night
to have Honkey Magoo here.

You mean
Mr. Pickles.
Fine. Mr. Pickles.

Where's your sister?
Think you can pick him up
and take care of him tonight?

You want me
to pick up Mr. Pickles.

Swing on by.
Yeah, no.

Think you can...
No?
No.

Really?
Probably not.
Did you try Jason?

Yes, of course. He can't.
You're the only one
that hasn't taken him.

Technically, you haven't
taken him either.

Right, but tonight's
a bad night.

Same with me.
Please, Melissa.
Help me out? Huh?

Yeah, I wish I could...
but I can't.

So you're not even gonna
bother with an excuse?

To tell you the truth,
I ran the idea by my father

and he wasn't that
excited about it, yeah.

He wasn't that
excited about it.
No.

Interesting.
And on top of that...

he told me that's not
how you play Potatoes.

What does he know
about Potatoes?

Oh, he knows a thing
or two about Potatoes.
Please help me out.

Come on, please.
Anyway, thanks for calling.

Oh...
It was nice
chatting.

Have a good night.

Well, I agree
with the vet, Brendon.

This fella needs
a little consistency.

It isn't good to have him
sleeping in a different place
every night.

Right, but can you
take him tonight?
Responsibility, Brendon.

That's what it all
boils down to.
I-I-I understand, yes.

Animals depend on you,
and you need to be responsible.
- -ponsible, yes.

Watch this.

Jeez. How many cats
do you have?

Five, Brendon.
Five.

And they all rely on me to live.

I want you to meet
Anjelico, Fernilico...

Mumu, Senior Twiginsky...

and last but not least,
Sanchi-San.

Wow. That's
really impress...

Uh-oh.

No! Oh, my God!

♪♪

Mumu!
Lulu!

I'm doing Mumu.
There's still others.
All right, fine.

Anjelico!
Sanchi-San!

Kitties...

I bet you're sorry you
named 'em those weird names,

'cause now you have
to say 'em really loud
and stuff.

I'm sorry.
That's a mean thing to say.

I realize that now. You lost
your cats. I'm sorry.
Mm.

Ahhh...

Hey, good morning, buddy.

Oh, jeez!
You little monster!

- You pooped in my bed?
- In my bed!

Oh, my God!

You ate our movies!

Those were
the master copies!
You little...

Get over here!
Get over here, get over here.

Little monster.

I hope they find your
real owners, because
I'm through with you.

Got it, punk? Punk.
You little punk. Punk.

Brendon, honey,
we gotta talk about the dog.

I hate to say this, but you
may lack the responsibility
to take care of...

No, I don't!

Oh, really?
Why, what?
Ye... Nuh... Yes?

I don't think so. You have
not shown me any signs of
responsibility in a long time.

Stop saying the R-word.
This is why I don't
want you to keep...

I'm filled up to here
with responsibility!

I'll tell you what.
I-I-I can prove it.

Give me one week with him.
I'll have that dog trained.

That's impossible.
One week, I'll
have him trained.

Look at him.
Everybody else
abandoned him.

Melissa, Jason...
Nobody cares about him.
Whether he lives or dies.

I'm all that
little ing
piece of 's got.

What did you say?
Nothing.

There is
no way we can...
One week, Mom, please.

Okay?
Okay, okay,
I hear you, okay?

You want one week?
I'll give you a week.
Good.

And if he's trained,
promise that we can
keep him.

I have to promise?
Yeah.

We'll talk.
Fine.

Good. Don't forget
your lunch today, okay?
All right.

Looks like we got a week
together, you little b*stard.

What?
I'll see ya later!

Uh... He forgot his lunch.

Okay. And, uh, other animals
have various, uh, systems.

A cow has, uh, four stomachs,
believe it or not.

And, uh, here's a cow.

Mr. Lynch?
That looks like a cat.

It... It does look like a cat.

It looks a lot
like... Anjelico.

Anjelico had
a spot right here...

and a little spot here...

and Mumu would always
make fun of those spots.

"Why do you have spots?"

My cats!

I'm never gonna see 'em again.

And we don't have any chalk!

Because this school
doesn't have any money!

Meow, meow.
Meow.

Brendon, your dog is insane.

Oh, no, he calms
down eventually.

We've been watching
him run in circles for
about two hours now.

We gotta train him, Coach.
What do you think we should do?

We should put him to sleep.
But you're co-owner of him.
Don't you get it?

First, what?
And second, no, I'm not.

Yes, you are.
You helped save his life.

Remember when he was out
in the road? 'Member that?

You, me, Jason, Melissa,
we all own him.
No.

He's not my
responsibility.
He is.

You gotta go home.
No, we still got a lot
of work to do, I mean...

Get off... my property.
This week...
Okay.

♪♪

Jason, Melissa,
where have you guys been?

Um...
Because remember
the dog? Jason?

Hello? Jason.
Hm? Hi.

Jason, why are you not
making eye contact with me?
Melissa? Melissa?

Jason and I wanna know where
we are in finishing the movie.
Yes.

Oh, really?
The movie. Well, well...

What about Honkey Magoo, huh?
Don't you wanna know how he is?

Huh, Melissa?
Huh, Jason?

How is he,
Brendon?
Like you care. Huh?

Like you care. Look at you,
Melissa. Whatever became of
your beloved Mr. Pickles, huh?

What about Smatchmo
the Trumpeteer, huh?

Why, it felt like hours
ago that you scrambled
to be near him.

"I wanna hold him."
"No, I wanna hold him."
"No, he likes me the best."

What about now, huh?
Huh? Huh!

Stop yelling, Brendon.

You two make me sick,
it's official.
It's not our fault.

No, hey.

Where's Tonto, Jason, huh?

Who?
Tonto!
Your bird!

Oh, the bird, oh.
You just forget
about him too?

No, Brendon. No, I didn't.
I released him into the wild,
where parakeets belong.

I couldn't keep him caged
anymore. It was too painful.
Okay. So I let him go.

And now he lives in the forest
with the other birds.
That's not fair.

How come you get to abandon
your responsibility and
I'm stuck with this stupid dog?

Brendon, do you think
it was easy for me getting
rid of Tonto? No.

It wasn't.
It was the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life!

It's okay, Jason.

Well, actually...
Are you happy now?

It was sort of easy.
In the sense that I really
just opened the window.

I'm gonna ask
this one more time.
And then I opened his cage.

What are we gonna do
about finishing the movie?
Then he flew out.

Nothin'. We're gonna
do absolutely nothing.

Know why?
Honkey Magoo ate it.
No.

Yes. Know what? I'm glad
he did. I think the three
of us are finished too.

You're gonna have to
excuse me, 'cause I got
work to do with my dog.

So I'm afraid you're gonna
have to, like, excuse me,
I know I said that.

Oh, no. No, Tonto.

No. Go away!
Bad bird!

Damn this bird.
Go away!

I don't want you!
Go back to the forest!

Here, kitty. Here, kitty.
Who likes fishies?

Kitty, get away.

Kitties? Mumu?
Kitties?

Whoa.

Whoa, hey, little fella.

Hm. I know you.

What are you doing
out here by yourself?
What are you doing?

Oh, good, you stopped him.

I've been trying
to train him
and he got loose.

Boy, he really seems
to like you, Mr. Lynch.
Yes, he does.

Yeah, he sure does.

You know, I know a thing
or two about training dogs.

♪♪

Welcome, everyone,
to the Honkey Magoo Perfectly
Trained Puppy Exhibition.

Please be patient.
We'll be starting
shortly.

I kinda feel guilty
about the dog thing.
I know, me too.

Me too.
Why do you feel guilty,
Mrs. Small?

Because I just got off the phone
with the puppy's owners.
Oh, my gosh.

You did?
They're coming
to pick him up tomorrow.

Mr. Pickles?
Smatchmo.

No. Actually, turns out
his name is Woogie.
Ooh.

Woogie? Ew.
Awful.

Does Brendon know
they're taking him away?

No, they just called.
But Brendon's
gonna be heartbroken.

He did so
much work.
I know, Melissa, I know.

Look at him over there.

They move so well
together.
He's so happy.

I guess we'll
have to tell him
after the exhibition.

God, I feel awful. Oh, well.
They're getting started.
Yeah.

Want some popcorn?
Sure.

Come here, Honkey Magoo!

And... sit!

Honkey Magoo, lay down!

Honkey Magoo, lay down!

Oh, no!

Honkey Magoo, come back here!

Bad dog!
Get back here!
Honkey Magoo!

Heel.
Did we work on that?
Heel!

Heel!
He should heel.

He should.
He's not heeling.
Sorry, everybody!

Oh, no...
No...

The dog's at us.
Hey. The dog
has us.

And he's
humping us.
Save us.

Yeah, save us.
In a while.
Yeah, in a while.

In a while.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

Mom, I'm so sorry
about all this.
What a catastrophe.

It's not your fault.
You did your best.

And now the rightful
owners are gonna come
pick up the dog.

Thank God.
Can I tell you something?
I'm a little relieved.

Really?
Yeah. I kinda
hate that dog.

That makes two of us.

But I feel like
I showed some...
responsibility.

Uh-huh.
I feel bad for dragging
Mr. Lynch into this thing.

He's gonna be a mess.
He lost five of his cats.

And now he's gonna lose
a dog he doesn't even have.
Where is Mr. Lynch, anyway?

Oh! Oh, kitties!

Kitties!
Thank God you're safe!

Anjelico, Fernilico, Mumu,

Sanchi-San,
Senior Twiginsky,
they're all here!

Okay, stay there.
Lynch, why are you
talking to a tree?

Oh, good, McGuirk.
What are you, high?

What? No, my cats. There's
my cats up there and I gotta
call the fire department.

But they're
in the tree.
Yeah.

Oh, I'll get 'em.
Here.
What?

Ready?

There you go.
All right?
Oh! Sanchi-San.

That was fun.

Okay, kitties. Okay.
Stay on. Okay, stay on
and we'll go home.

Well, this is it,
Mr. Honkey Magoo.

We're gonna miss ya.
Sure will.

- Kinda.
- Yeah.

It's amazing how good
he is now compared to when
he pooped all over my house.

Hello.
What?

Hello.
Jason, your bird
can talk.

I know, he can talk,
he can talk. Big deal.

Hello.
Wow, he can
say hello.

Hello.
Your bird's
really talking.

That's pretty amazing.
It's pretty much
all he's been doing.

For the last
48 hours.
Hello.

Wow.
Shout out.

Shout out?
Shut
it out.

Shut it out.
Play it.

Play it?

Honk.
An amazing mimic,
your bird.

Honk. Honk.
That looks like
them. Better wrap up.

Get your bird to...
I can't get him
to shut up.

Say your last goodbye.
Say your last
goodbye.

Now he talks
really well.
Now he talks really well.

The bird talks really well.
The bird talks
really well.

Pretty bird.
Pretty bird.

Pretty bird.
Pretty bird.

This is fun.
This is fun.

I'm havin' fun.
Havin' fun.

- Pretty annoyed right now.
- Lotta fun.

Lotta fun. All night.
Uh, pretty annoyed.

All night, outta sight.

Say goodbye
to the dog!
Gotta go. No problem.

Mrs. Small, will you
ask those people if
they want a bird?

Well, I'm kinda relieved
you're going, buddy.

You were a real pain in the...

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Good boy.
Good boy.

Get off me.
Get off me, boy.