01x03 - Flight Risk

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "One Big Happy". Aired March - April 2015.*
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"One Big Happy" is about a gay woman who decided to have a baby with her straight best friend, and her best friend is in love with another woman.
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01x03 - Flight Risk

Post by bunniefuu »

Let's see, my little baby.

What do you look like today?

Lizzie, what have you been wishing for more than anything in the last six weeks?

A Sushi date with a young Diane Sawyer.

No. I landed you an appointment with Dr. Levine, the top ob-gyn in the city because I only want the very best for your special parts.

But Dr. Levine is impossible to get since the "LA Times" called him "the fetus whisperer."

How did you do it?

Well, somebody saw him at the gym playing basketball in his nerdy doctor league.

And then that somebody, who has abs you can climb like a jungle gym, cleverly managed to join their game.

And then that certain somebody let Dr. Levine score the winning basket, which meant a lot to the doc 'cause the dude is, like, Guinness book short.

(All shouting)

Isn't it exciting?

Can I get in?

Okay. I get it. Mother, father, daddy's shower buddy.

Have to come up with a better title than that.

Just remember, Lizzy, I had to lie to get into this game with Dr. Levine.

So when we see him tomorrow, I am Dr. Russo.

I am an orthodontist, and I specialize in adult braces.

This is amazing!

We are crushing this pregnancy!

Oh, this pregnancy is our b*tch!

Yeah, we are k*lling this baby!

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

All right! She's loose enough!

Just try to have one baby at a time.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, look who's here.

Cute brunette, weirdly inflexible.

Lizzy's had a crush on her for months.

I don't have a crush on her.

She's just someone I stare at and I like, and when she's not here, it ruins my day.

Oh, Lizzy. You fancy her.

You are alive in there!

I don't even know her.

The closest we've come to talking was when we both wanted the same exercise ball, and she forced me to take it first.

And it was pretty hot.

(Both) That's actually nothing, really.

You should go talk to her.

Start with an apology for three months of staring.

Or you could compliment her nice, tight bottom.

What, I'm married, not d*ad.

First of all, I don't even know if she's gay.

And even if she was, who'd want to get involved with our whole situation?

I did.

Yeah, well, you're weird.

Besides, I'm pregnant.

My business is closed for business.

Look, there's never gonna be a perfect time for you to meet somebody.

Unless it's last call at a convention for type-A, pregnant, organized lesbians who enjoy board games.

Wait, that's not real.

Yeah. There's a pregna-orga-lesbi-con, and you're just finding out about it right now.

Lizzy, if you wait for everything to be perfect, you might wait forever.

And that's the kind of homespun advice you can expect from Auntie Pru...

Straight Mummy?

I'll keep working on it.

Oh, uh, that treadmill's open.

Wait! Prudence! Ugh!





Don't you hate when that thing tries to bully you with all the personal questions?

Age, weight.

I can keep track of my own pulse, thank you very much.

Yeah, right.

That elliptical back there just asked me for my mother's maiden name.


Too much laughing. Trying too hard.

You know, I think we've met before.

I don't know. Maybe.

It's possible that you gave me an exercise ball, like... two weeks ago Thursday?

Pretty sure it was Wednesday.

Um, I'm just... I'm super into the days of the week.

Yeah, me, too.

I wish there was more than seven.

I'm Lizzy. It's short for Elizabella.

No, it's not. I don't know why I said that.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Lizzy and not Elizabella.


I'm Kate.


Oh, my God!

I am so sorry. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm fine.

I'm just gonna run to my locker and hide in it.

This is amazing. She's more awkward than you.

Too bad you're closed for business.

Oh, I think I'm having a grand re-opening.

Sissy, you excited for your date?

Just wait until you're married.

The most excitement you get is when your phone buzzes 'cause you forwarded yourself an e-mail.

Leisha, it's not a date.

I mean, it might be a date.

I just asked if she liked bowling and if she wanted to join our league.

By the way, we're in a league now.

Then I want a cool nickname like...

Player Number One.

Did you read that off the screen?


Lizzy, just think, first you and Kate are walking on a treadmill, then you're walking down the aisle...

In head-to-toe denim and sensible shoes, I'm guessing.

Look, we're getting way ahead of ourselves, all right?

Kate and I are not getting married in Malibu at sunset with Jodie Foster officiating.

I don't even know if she's gay.

Oh, please. I'll be able to tell.

I knew you were gay when you were six and you never used your Barbie dream house 'cause Barbie and her lady friend were always camping.

Well, here comes Kate, so let's play everybody's favorite game "gay or nay".

Oh, she looks really cute.


But that jacket has a puffy shoulder.


But we've got flannel.

That's gay.

Is anyone else concerned about her body temperature?





I-I hope I'm not too late for the game.

Oh, the game's already started.

Great. Whose team am I on?


Uh, can I be on your team?

Um, I would, uh... really, really like that.

So, Kate, do you like bowling and sports in general?

Not really.

(All groaning)

But I did play soccer in high school.

(All) Ah!

But I was terrible.

(All groaning)

Gotta say my sport is tennis.


Do you drive a Subaru Outback?

Did you watch "The L Word?"

Who do you think about when you have a bit of a diddle?


I am so sorry about my friends.

They are terrible people.

It's okay.

They're just trying to figure out if I'm gay.


Kind of.

By the way, how would that conversation end?

It would end with me being totally gay.


I mean, I thought... maybe this was a date?

I mean, unless you're not...

Oh, I am.

It is.

I mean, if you want it to be. 'Cause I want it to be.

No. Yeah, me, too.

I've had a crush on you for months.

You know, to be honest, it kind of ruins my day when you're not at the gym.


I know how much the days mean to you.

Winner, winner, lesbian dinner!


Can you hold this for a second?

Ha ha! You're holding my pee.

Ha ha! You have to give birth.

Look at you, at the best ob-gyn in the city, thanks to the second best orthodontist in the city.

God, I feel good.

It's like everything is coming up Lizzy.

I guess I can be pregnant and have someone in my life...

Who doesn't know that I'm pregnant, but that's more a second-day chitchat.

Ah. Maybe it's not as complicated as I thought.

Okay, we just need some information...



You're a nurse?

You two are having a baby?

Yeah, but just to be clear, we did not have sex.

How do I say this like a grown-up?

This is a no-wiener zone.

But he is the dad, and we're raising the baby together.

But he's married to Prudence.

You know, the Brit with the...

Oh. Yeah. Well done.

Thanks. They're a good time.

Okay, so, let me get a few of your vitals.

Um, hair: Blonde.

Eyes: Best I've ever seen.

Now I just need to get your weight.


I mean, you can't just write down "looking good?"

It's actually important to keep track of your weight during pregnancy.

A lady never tells.

But a scale will.



Okay, you don't have to move the big one.

Okay, there we go.

180 pounds?

Luke, get off the scale!


All right. So, just a few more questions before the doctor comes in.


Are you having any spotting or discharge?


Not a game show.

Any breast tenderness or swelling?

Well, they've always been pretty swell!

And how would you describe your... bowel movements?



How am I not recording this?

Okay, so I'll go get the doctor.

I just need to... grab your urine sample.

Oh, you don't have to grab that.

No, I don't want to, but I have to.

Oh, just please don't.

Oh, my God.

Your keds.

Now that I got.

Wow, Sissy.

That is not a good second date.

Yeah, turns out the lids on those pee jars, not as tight as you want them to be.

On the bright side, if you look at it from a dog's point of view, she's your territory now.

Is your glass always half-full 'cause your cups are so big?

It helps.

Look, Lizzy, it's an awkward situation.

You gotta give Kate a chance to be cool with it.

I mean, you never know. Look at Prudence.

Who would have thought she'd be cool with me having a whole other family separate from her?

I hadn't thought of it in that way.

Well, that's the way it is, right?

Give yourself some credit.

She walked into this crazy situation and accepted the fact that we're having a kid without her.

Oh, good, you kept going.

(Telephone rings)

It's the doctor's office. Maybe it's Kate.

You think she's still interested?

Maybe it's about your blood work.

How do I look?

It's a phone call.

How do I sound like I look?


Aren't they cute together?

Couple of little kooky kids.

Everything all right, princess?

Yeah. Everything's fine.

Do you want some whiskey?

It's 11:00 A.M.

But yes.

Look, I'm a social worker, and I know that Luke's "whole other family" comment must've bothered you.

Also, the morning drinking's a tell.

Yes, I'm bothered.

It's not ideal feeling like an outsider in your own home.

So I've been working on some titles so I can feel like I have more of a role in all this.

How do you feel about Nanny Pru?

Or Pru-Nanny.

I don't feel good.

But why don't you just tell him you're upset?

Because that's not the English way.

I come from very positive stock.

My Great Uncle Clive famously whistled as syphilis ravaged his body.

Well, you should say something.

You're in America now. Complaining is a civil right.

That's how this whole place started.

Great news. Kate asked if she could see me again.

And I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but do we know anyone who knows Jodie Foster?

Wow, she wants to see you again even after that whole pee thing?

Sounds like we got a little freak on our hands.

Kate just texted me. She's parking.

I'm so excited.

But we're gonna have to talk to her about her texting and driving.

Hmm. Preemptive nagging. Now that's a strategy.

And of course I wish I had a one-on-one date with her, but I told her Tuesdays and Thursdays are our league nights.

So now we're all living this lie.

See? Aren't you glad your business is back open for business?

Big time.

Pretty soon, there's going to be a line around the corner.

Oh, yeah.

But no parking in the rear.


I don't know what you guys do.



(Mocking) "You. Oh."

Guessing you haven't talked to Luke yet.

Oh, no, no, that was just a muscle spasm.

Prudence, he's your husband.

You don't always have to be all cheery.

Where do you think Roy and I would be if I kept every negative feeling inside?

With other people and happier?

Well, that kinda rocked my world.

Well, let's get back to you.

If you want to have a good marriage, you're gonna have to learn to unleash.

It's fun. Watch.

Oh, honey.

You got yourself some nachos.

Where's the hot dog I asked you for?

And don't say...

It's in my pants.

Roy, what you did was inconsiderate and selfish, and it makes me feel like I'm not important to you.

I'm sorry, baby. I'll get you a hot dog.

Thank you.

I never even asked for a hot dog, but you get the idea.

Now go tell Luke how you feel.

It'll be good for you and fun for me.

Luke, I need to share some feelings with you.

Everything all right, baby?

Yeah, everything's fine. Carry on.

No, she's not fine.

No, I'm not fine.

I know you keep saying I'm cool, but I'm sick of pretending nothing ever bothers me.

Okay, I know what this is about, but I ran out of underwear and only wore yours once.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Then I didn't do that!

I'm so glad you wanted to see me again after I dorked out so hard while I was wearing that backless paper gown.

You were kind of rocking that thing.

Stop. I kinda felt that.

Look, Lizzy, I like you.

You're smart, and you're pretty, and it turns out you're perfect weight for this stage of pregnancy.

That is literally the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

But I can't see you anymore.

And I'm sorry to do this on your league night, it's just...

The whole situation is too complicated.

Prudence, stop. I'm telling you, you took what I said the wrong way.

You made me feel like the other woman instead of your wife.

I thought we were going to be one family, not two separate ones.

Oh, her? Oh, she is one phone call away from deportation.

And yeah, I mean, our whole situation seems crazy, but we'll figure it out.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm a dude.

I don't even know what I'm saying half the time.

Oh, like when you say you love me?

If you like it, I meant it.

If you don't, just ignore it!

Hello? Homeland security?

No, it's not that.

I can't date a patient.

But I'm a patient.

I know.

And I'm sorry, but Dr. Levine, he has rules.

I'd get fired.

But then we could spend more time together!


There's my wife who I love, who's such an important part of this family.

And have I mentioned that I'm sorry and I bought a bunch of back-up underwear?

Luke, you don't have to keep apologizing.

I think our spat was good for me.

Leisha was right. I need to learn to be less polite and more confrontational, like a real American.


But not, like, every day, right?

We'll see.

Okay, it's over now.

And we had a milestone. Our first fight.

And our first make-up sex.

And our second. And our third.

We've been home for less than an hour.

At least it's ethically okay for you two to be together.

The girl I like turned out to be off-limits.

Maybe for now.

But in nine months, the baby will come out.

Then you'll have a few months to spring back 'cause you're the other side of 30.

And then you and Kate are free to date.

Yeah, if she's still single by then.

Way to keep my spirits up.

Hey, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Like me and prudence.

Or chocolate and peanut butter.

Or Smurfette and a few of the Smurfs.

I still wish I had more of a role in our little family.

Oh, I know!

I could be daddy's girl.

That's weird.

Stepmother? No, those are never good.

We'll figure it out, right, Lizzy?

(Quickly) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you say it like you mean it?

(Slowly) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


Dr. Levine, thank you so much for seeing us again.

Kind of cool to be a patient of the fetus whisperer.

(Whispering) That's very kind of you.

Just kidding, I can speak in a normal voice.

Well, there's your little baby.


Well done, you two.

Oh, it's spineless, just like my dad.

The spine is coming, Dr. Russo.

It's still a little early.

It's almost like he's not a doctor sometimes.

I'm only six weeks along. Yep.

Only 238 more days until you're not pregnant or a patient here.

Well, that's a weird way of putting it, Kate.

We usually refer to that as the due date.

But listen to this.

(Baby's heart b*ating)

Oh, my God. It's the heartbeat.

It's amazing.

(Baby's heart b*ating)

I'm gonna be a mom.

I'm gonna be a dad.

I'm gonna be a...

Oh, screw it. Just call me Prudence.
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