03x25 - Pig-Malion/Why No Rhino

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hakuna matata ♪

♪ what a wonderful phrase ♪

♪ hakuna matata ♪

♪ ain't no passing craze ♪

♪ it means no worries ♪

♪ for the rest of your days ♪

♪ it's our problem-free ♪

♪ philosophy ♪

♪ hakuna matata ♪

♪ yeah! ♪

♪ Hakuna matata! ♪

♪ Timon and Pumbaa! ♪

♪ Hakuna matata! ♪

♪ It means no worries ♪

♪ for the rest of your days ♪

♪ it's our problem-free ♪

♪ philosophy ♪

♪ hakuna matata ♪

♪ Timon and Pumbaa ♪

Outsmarted by a lowly
bug! How embarrassing!

Luckily, Pumbaa, your bestest best
friend here is an inventive genius.

Behold! The answer to all
of our bug-catching problems,

the lazy meerkat
bug scooper 9000.

Wow, Timon. Very impressive.

You must be the
smartest guy I know.

Oh, pshaw!

Creating scientifical
inventions is easy.

All you do is slap a bunch of junk
together and cross your fingers.

Observe.

Taken in Toto, I'm afraid

I must chide you for faulty logistics
and inattention to schematic detail.

- Huh?
- Allow me to introduce myself.

Dr. Tobias J. Exeter, hedgehog
emeritus, PhD., MVP, DMV, SWAK, ESQ,

humble itinerant tutor.

Timon Berkowitz, MYOBWD.

That stands for "mind
your own beeswax, doc."

Now, now, Timon, maybe he
can figure out why your invention

was such a complete
and utter failure.

Hmm... if we reconfigure the
vector ratio to the nth cosine,

we can recalibrate
the apparatus thusly.

Wow! Now, that's
what I call smart!

He's a witch. A
witch, I tells ya!

Oh, not at all.

I'm a humble purveyor
of learning, seeking

new students to
tutor for my thesis

"dummies and their brains."

That sounds like us, Timon.

Wow! We could
use a little education.

What, are you crazy? I
got all the smarts I need.

I'm unimprovable.

Sorry, Pumbaa.

Apparently, Timon
is afraid of learning

the true depth of his
intellectual deficiencies.

Good day.

Hey, not so fast! I ain't afraid
of no intellectual fisheries.

Bring on the book
learning, Mr. Smarty-spines.

I can take whatever
you dish out.

Excellent!

Please begin by reading
chapters 1 through 472.

And remember, it is absolutely vital
that both of you do your homework.

We will, Dr. Exeter.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Then in the late Paleozoic
period, proliferating trilobites...

Blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah...

Ow!

Huh?

Oh...

Will you cut it out, Timon?

I'm trying to pay attention.

Mr. Berkowitz, is
there a problem?

No, sir,
Mr. Teacher-person, sir.

Mr. Berkowitz, please
step to the front of the room.

Have you even bothered to
open your book, Mr. Berkowitz?

Certainly.

Then perhaps you'd care
to give a report on the text.

Eh, this book is about boots.

And in studying boots, one
needs large, heavy boots.

This is to keep one's feet properly shod
with sturdy black leather boots and...

Sit down!

Pumbaa, please
give us your report.

This book examines the new
England region of North America,

whose major industries are fishing,
timber, and the mining of anthracite

and bituminous
coal-based products.

Many New Englanders
also wear boots.

I thank you.

Hey, how did you know so much
about anthra-bituminon-numinum...

Uh, about boots?

It's easy, Timon.

I did my homework.

Pumbaa, you will receive 3 gold
stars for your classwork today.

What about me? What do I get?

Oww! A dunce cap!

I'll show him. Tonight I'll
do twice as much homework!

Sur la pointe, arabesque,
pirouette, jeté, jeté, and the finale.

Flawless.

Merci, monsieur le docteur,

I find the dance a truly edifying
expression of terpsichorean muse.

Eww! I find ze
dance de broccoli...

Your turn, Mr. Berkowitz. I
hope you're prepared this time.

You know it, babe.

Hit it!

Whoa!

Yaaah!

Do I at least get
an "a" for effort?

D'ohh! Another dunce cap!

I hate being a dunce! It
makes me very, very upset!

Now, remember, Timon,
tomorrow is our final exam.

I hope you plan
on studying tonight.

Timon?

Timon?

And so the radical sodium
atoms ionically bond,

yielding our final
chemically based end product

rock salt, nature's
highway solvent.

Bravo! Bravo!
Congratulations, Pumbaa.

For your outstanding
scholastic accomplishments,

I award you the honorary
degree of ndb-cht@www.com.

It was an honor
just to be nominated.

And now, Mr. Berkowitz, are
you prepared for your final exam?

Okay!

Yeah, you got your, uh,
ionic supercalifragies here

interacting with your
phased fragicaliwoofisis,

bring to a boil, season to taste,
slap a bunch of junk together,

and cross your fingers!

Mr. Berkowitz! You have disgraced
this institution for the last time.

You are expelled!

No, Dr. Exeter.
Timon's very smart.

You just have to
give him a chance.

It's okay, Pumbaa. He's
right. I'm just an ignorant mook.

I guess you're
the smart one now.

Wait, Timon, don't go!

It's better this way, Pumbaa.

I don't wanna get in the way of your
lofty intellectual-type discussions.

See you around, pal.

If I'm so smart, then how
come I just lost my best friend?

Forget him, Pumbaa.
I have wonderful news.

Because of your achievements,

I've recommended you for a
highly coveted academic position.

Really? What position is that?

Experimental test subject!

Hey! You can't do this to me!

Sorry, Pumbaa. Science needs
that deliciously large brain of yours.

Next stop, the dissection
labs of hedgehog university!

Timon, help! Timon!

B-B-But, Dr. Exeter,
I'm not really that smart.

Uh, e=tgif squared.

The capital of
Mississippi is Bea Arthur.

See? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

You know, Pumbaa, my
colleagues laughed at my theories.

They gave me
wedgies in study hall.

But when they see how large your
brain has grown under my tutelage,

the last laugh
will belong to me!

Lab assistant, hand me
the electro anesthetizer.

Shocked to see me?

Timon! How did you find me?

My natural,
innate-type smartness.

Also, you had a weevil
burrito for breakfast,

and I could smell it all
the way from Cameroon.

Hmm. Looks like a number 37
tumblematic swizzlemeister, series "k."

Voila!

Timon, look out!

Yipe!

Pumbaa, I think it's time
for you to use your head.

Which way, Timon?

That way!

This way! This way!

Oh, no! A dead end!

Never fear, Pumbaa, old pal.
This time I did my homework,

and I think I know how
to get us out of here.

Aah! Stop, you fool!
That's an atomic generator!

Yeah, I know. By
cross-wiring the coolant

rods with the
graphite compressors,

I can transform this nuclear
reactor into a portable jet car,

which will rocket us
safely back to the jungle...

Or the whole
place could blow up.

Oh, well. One form of
escape is as good as another.

You're the smartest, craftiest,
most intelligent guy I know.

And I've learned my lesson.

From now on, I'll always
do my homework...

After I get done with yo-yo
practice, of course. Ha ha!

Ohh! Ow!

Enough with the exclamation
points already, Pumbaa!

Read me what we have so far.

"Want exciting pictures of exotic
wild animals in their natural habitat?

"Call Timon and Pumbaa,
photo safari guides.

"We'll show you the jungle
like you've never seen it before,

"especially if you've,
never seen it before.

Money back if
not fully satisfied."

First we take out the
"money back" part,

then we run this ad in
a few big newspapers

and wait for the
money to roll in!

Well, our first safari customers
should be arriving any minute...

Ooh! You must be tuna and
pimento. I'm Eleanor duberry,

and this is my husband Julian,
and we're simply thrilled to be here.

We're thrilled,
too. I'm Timon...

We want simply scads of
photos, but most importantly,

we want a picture of the
infamous big blue rhino.

Big blue who?

We simply must photograph
this magnificent beast,

especially since cecily
didn't on her safari.

Uh, could you excuse
us for a minute?

Do you know any big blue rhino?

I don't even know who
tuna and pimento are.

You're not thinking of
babe the blue rhino, are you?

Because, first off,
I think he's an ox.

To obtain the photo we do so
desire we're willing to pay anything.

Aren't we, Julian?

A blank check.

Well, oddly enough, that's
exactly what we charge.

Let the safari begin!

Oh, let's start fresh in
the morning. Shall we?

Julian, music would be
relaxing. Did we bring any?

Oh, hoo-hoo.

They're gonna pay through
their upturned noses for all this.

Come on, we'll
get our customers.

Timon, there's
no big blue rhino...

'Cause there's
no big blue rhino.

Ah, they'll never even notice.

See, you don't have to
give people what they want.

You give 'em what you've got
and convince 'em they want it.

Mr. and Mrs. Duberry,
prepare to feast your lenses.

Behold... the glory
of the Serengeti.

We traveled many
miles for your safari,

and we are not fully or
even partially satisfied.

Julian... ask them
for our money back!

Hold on. Time out.
You'll get pictures,

but giving money
back is not our policy.

It was in your ad.

Pumbaa, tell 'em it wasn't in our
ad because I told you to take it out.

Go on, tell 'em.

I couldn't help notice
you're not telling 'em.

Gee, Timon. We want our
customers to be happy, don't we?

What about my happiness?

When you give people their money
back, does that make me happy?

But it's only fair to return their
money if they are not satisfied.

Return a blank check?

Are you out of your...

Oh, I get it. You're
making a joke.

Ha! That's very funny, Pumbaa.

Whoo, you had me going there.

If tomorrow proves no more productive,
I'm afraid we'll have no choice

but to ask you to give
us back our blank check.

What is that dreadful noise?

Nothing to worry about.

My business partner
is just hyperventilating.

So what's dishonest about
us dressing up like animals?

We are animals. How
dishonest can it be?

I won't do it. The duberrys
are very nice people,

and I won't try to fool them
just to keep their blank check.

The money would be tainted.

I'll have it
de-tainted, I promise.

Now, are you with me... or not?

Not!

I won't be a part of your
unscrupulous business practices.

Fine! I'll do it myself.

You and your scruples
just stay outta my way.

Being the total jungle expert,

I believe the animals will
appear near that big shrub.

Julian, this is
exciting, isn't it?

Well, why is pimento
way over there?

He's, uh, he's standing guard

because with all of the wild
animals we're going to see,

things could get hairy or fuzzy,

depending on which
animals show up.

Ooh! I hear something behind
the shrub. I'll go check it out.

We're in luck! A
beautiful bird approaches.

Why, it's a c*ck!

It's about ready. Almost.

Okay, I'm... he's
ready! He's landing.

Aawwk!

Pimento, is that tuna wearing
feathers and duct tape?

Yes. That is my
business partner.

Julian, to the bus!

Eh, don't leave! I was, uh, doing
the warmup act for the real animals.

Did you hear that?

It sounded like a dangerous and
incredibly photogenic crocodile.

Wait right here.

It is! It's a deadly crocodile
with bone-crushing jaws!

Look out!

Eh... aah!

Okay, it was a joke. It was just a silly
little joke to get you two loosened up

and... and ready for
the incredible giraffe!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

A giraffe! Ooh, how wonderful!

Look, he's trying to flee.
Hurry, get the picture, Julian.

Ooh, cecily will
eat her heart out.

Ooh! Owie!

Ugh! Aah!

You're absolutely right.

This safari is utterly pointless
without a big blue rhino photo.

Oof!

Tell your partner if we
don't get our photo by sunset,

we're leaving and taking
our blank check with us!

Leaving with all
that beautiful money.

That really hurt,

but it doesn't hurt nearly as bad
as losing all that beautiful money.

I'm really sorry, Timon, but...

Pumbaa, all my life I
wanted to be rich and famous.

And the moment I held
that blank check in my hand,

I realized something
very important...

I don't wanna be famous.
I just wanna be rich.

It's that important to you?

Think what I could
do with that money.

I could... I could buy a
boat, a great big old boat,

and take all my friends on it.

We don't have a lake.

I could buy a boat and a lake
and take all my friends on it.

But I'm your only friend.

I could buy a boat and
a lake and some friends.

Don't you see, Pumbaa, I
just can't give that check back.

I need a big blue rhino. I
need my best buddy's help.

Ohh, Timon!

And it's not just for me.
Think of Mrs. Duberry.

Oh, how she yearns
for that rhino picture

so she can rub her
friend's nose in it.

Do you really wanna break
that poor little rich lady's heart?

No, I guess not.

Ya don't? Really? Ya mean it?

Oh, they'll never believe
I'm the big blue rhino.

I don't have horns.

Yeow!

Perfect. Don't move.
I'll be right back.

Think rhino thoughts.

Stay back. The big blue rhino
is very irritable when bathing.

Julian, it's him.
And he is very blue.

But he's not as big as
cecily insisted he'd be.

Oh, my! Now there
are two of them!

Uh-oh.

What's the big one doing?

I think he's either getting
ready to fight over territory,

or he's looking for a date.

I sure hope he wants the fight.

You can move, Pumbaa! Now
would be a very good time for moving.

Oh, this is going to make
a simply wonderful picture!

Aaaaah! Blue rhino!

Our safari was a
fabulous success!

We brought back some marvelous action
photos of the elusive big blue rhino,

unlike those who
were, shall we say, less

fortunate with
their little attempts.

But let's not name
names. Cecily...

Would you be a dear
and get the lights?