01x20 - It All Comes Out in the Wash

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[siren wailing, horns honking]

[game show playing
on television]

[electronic tones]

Hello?

[applause]

Hello?

Hello.

There's a good reason
to keep you waiting.

I was watching this television
program called Wheel of Fate.

A young woman from
Modesto, California

was on the verge of
winning $100,000.

It all depended upon

a spin of the
wheel, you see...

You are Chow Ting?

This is the Chow Ting
Laundry?

Yes, I'm Chow Ting.

But don't you care
whether this woman

from Modesto, California,
won or lost?

[whispering]:
I want special service.

How special?

Mr. Sam Larchmont, he sent me.

Oh, Mr. Larchmont.

Yes, a loyal customer.

A wonderful man.

Special service is
very expensive.

Oh, money's not an issue.

Well, that's good.

How fortunate for
you, Mr. uh...

Gropper.

Carl Gropper.

Uh-huh, Mr. Gropper.

Do you have your
financial statement?

That should satisfy you.

Yes.

Yes, may I see
your laundry?

Well, is...
is something wrong?

Is that too
much for you?

No. Well...

No problem, no problem.

Here is our price list

for special service.

It is expensive.

If you feel that
I am charging...
No, no, no, no.

It's just fine.

Now, if you can do everything

that Sam Larchmont
says you can do...

We can speak frankly,
Mr. Gropper.

Mr. Larchmont says that, uh,
you wash away sins.

That is entirely correct.

Our motto is,
"At Chow Ting's Laundry,

everything comes out
in the wash."

Well, if you wash away sin,

then I won't have any guilt.

Yes.

I'll be able to do
anything, anything

without the pangs of conscience.

You will sleep the sleep
of a newborn.

Tell me, how do you...?
Never ask that question.

That's the first condition
of our arrangement.

The second
condition is that

you must never return here,
never telephone.

Never. Understand?

Now, we will deliver
and pick up

according to your needs.

How will you know?

We will know.

Okay.

We'll, uh, run this
through my office.

I want my home out of this.

I don't want
my wife to know.

As you wish.

Then we have a deal?

We have an arrangement,
Mr. Gropper.

Payment must be
prompt in cash.

I enjoy everything about
our free enterprise society,

except credit cards.

Cash on the line.

[chuckles]

Uh, you may keep that
price list for reference.

You see my picture
down there at the bottom?

[chuckles]

An indulgence. Vanity.

Pardon the lack
of humility.

Listen, I approve of promotion.

I do not, Mr. Gropper.

Another condition is
that you be very discreet

about our special service.

In fact, I'm surprised that
Mr. Larchmont told you about it.

So was I,
but he was drunk at the time.

Look, you have my word.

Don't concern yourself.

I won't tell a soul.

Not a soul?

Not a soul.

[intercom buzzing]

CARL:
Yes?

Mr. Larchmont calling.

Sam.

Sam, I've been meaning to give
you a call

and thank you for
the laundry you suggested.

I mean, business is booming
and I feel fabulous.

Laundry, Carl? What laundry?

Hey, Sam, this is Carl,
your friend.

You were on your tenth martini,
and you gave me the big tip.

Chow Ting, the laundry where it
all comes out in the wash.

Carl, you didn't tell him?

No, sweat, Sam.

When I mentioned your name,
his face beamed.

He nearly dropped
his chopsticks.

Carl, if this gets out...
Not a word, Sam.

[dial tone]

How do you like that guy?

My life's a pile of sand,

and he hands me a shovel.

Wonder how he knows when
to pick up and deliver?

[intercom buzzes]

Yeah?

WOMAN:
It's Marvin.
He's calling collect.

Collect?
He's only ten years old.

How does he know
how to call collect?

I only work here,
Mr. Gropper.

He says it's urgent.

Isn't that cute?

Well, put him through and come
in here and update the charts.

That's it, the chart.

I knew there was something
I forgot.

Here's your son and heir.

Hello, Marvin.

Who taught you
to call collect--
your mother, right?

Okay, kiddo.
Yeah, what's up?

He said what?!

Yes, Gropper International
Industries does own Northlite

Fur Company.

Yes.

Yes, Marvin.

Club baby seals?

Sure, we get fur coats
from baby seals, Marvin.

But it all works out.

Why don't you think
of it this way:

Wouldn't you rather see those
coats on gorgeous girls

than on fat seals?

Marvin, Marvin, stop crying
and try to act like my son

once in a while, will you?

You tell that Billy Timmer

to keep his nose
out of my business.

That runt's had it in for me

ever since I put his big shot
father on the bread line.

Stop sniveling, Marvin!

I'll take it out on that crummy
bird you got me

for Father's Day.

Marvin,

Marvin, you're Carl Gropper's
only son.

Will you please listen
to your daddy?

Bring me home

a piece of Billy
Timmer's nose,

and I'll double your allowance.

What's with you, Ginger?

I, I never saw you like this
before, Mr. Gropper.

Seals, environment.

No wonder education's
going no place.

That Joe Timmer must've put his
brat up to this.

I warned him
not to cross me

on that shopping
center deal.

But to put his son
between me and Marvin,

to use him as a wedge
between a loving father

and a man's only son.

Some people.

Yes, Mr. Gropper.

Yes, what?

You have
a very interesting chest.

Well, so do you.

Why don't you get back to work?

Oh, by the way.

While Marvin was on, you got
a call from the weirdo.

Weirdo? What weirdo?

Chow Ting.

He says he has to raise
his prices

because of increased
labor cost.

Raise his prices? How much?

Double.

Double?!
Well, this is the second time.

Mr. Gropper, I don't know why
you use him.

Vanish!

I'm vanishing.

I'm here.

Ginny, send Mrs. Gropper a dozen
of something that blooms

and has thorns.

And get me my lawyer.

Mr. Winger is on.

Jimmy? Gropper here.

Listen, Jimmy,
I've, uh, made a decision.

Serve Cheryl the divorce papers,
but don't do it till tomorrow.

Today's her birthday.

And I'm all heart.

Guilt? [chuckles]

I don't have any guilt
or remorse.

No more Mr. Nice Guy, Jimmy.

And, Jimmy, one more thing.

You remember my close personal
friend Joe Timmer?

Well, he really did something
bad to me.

Very terrible.

He turned my only son
against me.

I felt pain, human agony,

but never mind the details.

I want Joe Timmer...

and whatever's left of him
turned to ashes.

Yeah, yeah,
I know what I'm saying.

You do whatever has to be done.

I want Joe Timmer turned
into a lousy memory.

I know I can count on you,
counselor.

[phone dialing]

Darlene? Me.

Yes, I spoke to Sam today.

I know he loves me
like a brother.

And I love him, too, and I also
happen to love his wife.

So, why don't you meet me
tonight?

The usual place.

Then we can have a little
bit of champagne, lobster

and a little hanky-panky.

You tell me where.

Okay.

Oh, Darlene...

Carl's got a little surprise
for you.

No, no, no, no.

You'll just have
to wait and see.

Double that. Bye-bye.

You like this, Eagle?

A diamond is forever,
give or take.

She's gonna love it.

You're gonna get some

interesting laundry this week,
Chow Ting.

Really interesting.

You know...

for the first time
in my life, I like me.

Maybe I was a little rough
on Joe Timmer.

Maybe I ought to call it off.

No. No, m*rder builds character.

And Chow Ting will take care
of the fallout.

I'm nearly out of shirts.

What's with that Chow Ting?

First he rips my guts out
with his prices, and then he...

It'd better come out
in the wash.

He told me never to call.

Yeah, well, who's paying
the bills, anyway?

I am.

He's got his number
on his price list.

Why is it there if he doesn't
want anybody to call?

Hello, Chow Ting.

This is...

Answering machine.

Yes, I'll wait for the beep.

Chow Ting, this is Carl Gropper.

Listen, I've got to
insist on a delivery.

I've been waiting all day.

They never give you enough time.
Never.

He didn't want me to call.

I know he's gonna punish me.

I know it.

CARL:
Rumors? What rumors?

No, we're on excellent terms.

[chuckles]
Our kids play together.

Yes, yes, we did acquire
all the stock.

But Joe Timmer was dead,
and opportunity is opportunity.

Rhoda Timmer said what?
[chuckles]

Well, as a reporter,
you should know

that a recent widow will say
just about anything.

Rhoda Timmer.

Yeah, she is a beauty though.

Legs like highways.

[clears throat loudly]

Send Rhoda Timmer more flowers.

You've already sent
five wreaths.

Well, send her
some more flowers.

And send the kid, Billy--

send him
something stuffed.

Send him a bear.

That's not appropriate.

Send him a stuffed bear with
a black ribbon around its paw.

And then write something, like,
uh, uh, "From your Uncle Carl."

Oh, Ginny, any news
from the Orient Express?

If you mean Chow Ting, no.

Why don't you switch
to Ying Foo.

I use Ying Foo.

He's never late.

Last week he got a stain
out of my....

Don't try to sell me
Ying Foo, Ginger.

Yours is not, and I repeat,
not to reason why.

Now evaporate.

[door slamming]

The name of the game, Eagle,
is to wait him out.

Take your inscrutable time,
Chow Ting.

Take your inscrutable time.

I can hold out longer
than you can.

I've got enough new stuff here
to wait out your siege.

I knew he was gonna punish me
if I called,

but... but to triple
your prices?

Huh! No way.

Nobody makes a sucker out
of Carl Gropper.

[intercom buzzing]

GINGER:
Sam Larchmont on the line.

E.S.P., Sam.

Look, I was meaning
to give you a buzz.

Carl, what have you done
to Chow Ting?

I'm up to my neck
in dirty laundry here.

Oh, he hasn't picked up
or delivered

at your place either, huh?

Look, we've got to hold
the line, Sam.

You called him,
didn't you, Carl?

You blew it!

He told you I called him,
didn't he?

Okay, yeah, I admit it.
I did it.

It was a foolish thing.

But to triple the prices?

Money!

It's only money!

Sam... Sam, I think
Chow Ting will come in line.

[Sam choking up]

[crying]

Get ahold of yourself, Sam.

[line disconnects]

Sam?

Sam Larchmont, crying.

You never even change
your feathers, you slob.

Boy, they're all alike.
All alike.

They get you hooked, they stick
the knife in and they twist.

I'm behaving like a fool.

Chow Ting needs me
as much as I need him.

Don't come, don't call,
don't tell a soul.

Of course.

That's it.

How could I be so blind?

Ah, there's the beep.

Hello, Chow.

You don't mind if I call you
Chow, old buddy?

I know what you really want.

You want my soul.

You want my immortal soul,
you old devil, you.

Well, okay, you've got a deal.

You can have it.
You can have it!

Just get over here
and bring me my laundry.

Mr. Gropper?

Ah, Ginger, doll, come on in.

What would I do
without you?

You're feeling good.

I feel great.

Sam Larchmont is dead.

What?

What did you say?

Sam Larchmont is dead.

Go away.

Is there anything
I can...?
Go.

Sam, dead?

I should've called him first.

I should've told him
what Chow Ting was after.

He would've made a deal.

He's a practical man.

GINGER [over intercom]:
Yes, Mr. Gropper?

Get my broker on the phone.

Have him put a bid in
for Larchmont Industries

at 15, and get all he can.

And get me Darlene Larchmont.

You taught me to go
for the throat, Sam.

I'm sorry you're dead,
but I'm not.

GINGER [over intercom]:
Mrs. Larchmont is on the line.

Darlene, what happened?

Suicide?

86 floors?

No, Darlene, he couldn't
possibly have known about us.

What did the note say?

Well, I can't imagine why Sam
would leave a... laundry list.

Oh, Darlene, I'm not gonna
grab up all the stock.

What kind of a man
do you think I am?

[slamming phone down]

You promised.

You promised to pick up
and deliver!

You promised!

So Sam Larchmont
couldn't take it.

Well, Chow Ting,
Carl Gropper's another story.

Yeah, we have our little
arrangement, don't we?

My soul for your laundry.

We're in this for a long haul
together.

[intercom buzzing]

GINGER [over intercom]:
Chow Ting.

He came.

He brought the laundry.
He delivered.

Well, send him in.

GINGER:
Excuse me, but he's not here.

He's on the line.

[button clicks]

CHOW TING:
Ah, Mr. Gropper, I was on hold.

I heard nice music.

Where are you?

At the airport.

I just wanted to tell you,
Mr. Gropper,

I got your message.
I'm not interested in souls.

I'm not even interested
in laundry anymore.

Mr. Gropper, I won the lottery.

Isn't that wonderful?
[chuckles]

Only in America.

Now, Mrs. Ting and I are off
to Miami, Florida.

We bought a condominium
overlooking Biscayne Bay.

I wanted to thank you
for your patronage,

but Chow Ting is now
out of business.

Retired.

A man of leisure.
[chuckles]

I hope you take the news
of my good fortune

better than Mr. Larchmont.

He went all to pieces.

Good-bye, Mr. Gropper,
and the best of luck.

Sayonara.
[line disconnects]

Sayonara?

That's not even Chinese.

Chow Ting won the lottery.

He and Mrs. Ting are gonna
take a long-deserved vacation.

Why not?

He's a frugal man.

The kids are grown up.

It's time to enjoy life.

Enjoy life.

He's about to retire.

I can always get Ying Foo.

At least he can get a stain out.

Leave a stain.

Did you hear that, Eagle?

Carl Gropper will leave a stain!

[glass shattering]

[Carl screaming]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there,

waiting for us to enter,

waiting to enter us.

Until next time,
try to enjoy the daylight.