01x21 - Bigalow's Last Smoke

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[alarm buzzing]

Let's see what kind of day
this is going to be.

[clicks remote]

Oh!

I know I put two packs
in here last night.

Come on.

[clicks]

[clicking]

Oh, come on.

[clicks]

Am I crazy, or did
I buy two packs last night,

put them in there?

Except I didn't put them
in there

because they're not there.

So what did I do
with the carton?

[clicks]

I know what's the matter
with me this morning.

I've got to get my heart started
without having a cigarette.

[clicking]

What's the matter with you?

[clears throat]

No hot water.

No cigarettes.

No Jane Pauley.

Maybe I should
just go back to bed.

[percolating]

[sighs]

Oh!

On the windowsill.

It's not possible.

[phone clatters to floor]

This isn't my apartment.

This is a cage!

MAN:
Congratulations, Mr. Bigalow.

You have just managed
to reason out the very obvious.

Once you've given up tobacco,

you'll find your mind works

much more clearly
in the morning.

I don't really think
I'm dreaming.

I'm not a dream, Mr. Bigalow.

This isn't my room.

We've already established that.

There are bars on
the windows, and they're
not even real windows.

You put lights outside
to make it look like daylight.

You've got bars on the doors.

I can't believe it--
it's a prison!

It's not a prison, Mr. Bigalow.

It's a simulacrum.

A simulacrum
of your own apartment.

I don't care
what you call it.

If I can't get out of it,
it's a prison.

Well, you can leave

just as soon
as you give up smoking.

[chuckles]

This is some sort of joke,
right?

Who are you?

What's going on here?

Where is this place?!

As I said before, Mr. Bigalow.

you can leave just as soon
as you give up smoking.

I have to
give up smoking!

I can't find my cigarettes!

Look in your bedside table.

Light. I don't have a light.

Mr. Bigalow?

[inhaling, exhaling]

[alarm droning]

[high-pitched
electronic tone blaring]

FEMALE VOICE:
Please put out the cigarette.

Once the cigarette
has been extinguished,

the punishment will cease.

Please put out the cigarette.

Once the cigarette has been...

[tone stops blaring]

FEMALE VOICE:
Thank you, caller number one.

Good morning, caller number two.

The subject today
is household pets that smoke.

MAN:
Caller number one
has a good memory,

but his story about his dog
was very boring.

I am much more interested
in finding out

how much money
is spent each year

in this country
on smoking-related...

I don't like your propaganda.

My mother told me that there

is a direct connection
between smoking...

[broadcast stops]

[chuckling]

[sighs]

[alarm droning]

[high-pitched
electronic tone blaring]

FEMALE VOICE:
Please put out the cigarette.
[loud buzzing]

Once the cigarette
has been extinguished,

the punishment will cease.

Please put out the cigarette.

Once....

[all noises stop]

What punishment?

♪ ♪

[man clearing throat]

Developing a little willpower,
Mr. Bigalow.

You can't do this.

It's totally
against the law.

No, it's not.

What's that?

Your signature.

What did I sign?

You contacted our clinic
and signed up for our program.

I did not!

Denial isn't going to get you
anywhere, Mr. Bigalow.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[sighs]

You the people that advertise
on television?

You remember now, Mr. Bigalow.

I remember sending in
for some information once,

but I...
I got very paranoid.

My father died
of lung cancer.

And you thought you'd be next.

Yeah, something like that.

But I never heard
from you again.

We have a waiting list,
Mr. Bigalow.

A long waiting list.

And we haven't been able
to accommodate you till now.

[sighs]

How did I get here?

Oh.

You don't remember
what happened last night?

I don't like this.

I don't like this
one little bit.

Just think of this experience

as bad-tasting medicine,
Mr. Bigalow.

And think how much better
you'll feel

once you're allowed to leave.

When will that be?

When depends entirely on you,
Mr. Bigalow.

What's the success rate?

100%.

You're joking.

Our methods are foolproof.

We've even patented
our procedure.

There is only one way
out of here,

and that's to give up smoking.

[sighs]

[white noise]

[thudding]

♪ ♪

MALE VOICE:
Hey, hey, anybody there?

Somebody's there.
I hear ya.

Who are you?

It's Bigalow.

Frank Bigalow.

Who are you?

My name's Matthews.

Pleased to make
your acquaintance.

You were on the radio.

The one talking
about his mother.

They made me do that.

They gave me
a script to read.

They bribed me
with three cigarettes.

You got any cigarettes?

Yeah, I got one.

Ugh, it's broken.

Give it to me.

It's my last one.

Do you have
any matches?

Yeah.

No, it's gone.

Then how are you gonna
light your cigarette?

I've got matches,
but I need a cigarette.

Give me your cigarette
and I'll give you the match.

It's a terrible trade.

What do I need a cigarette for
if I don't have a match?

They'll give you cigarettes
later. That's how they work.

Is it a trade or not?

[sighs]

Yeah, I guess so.

Pretend you want
to give it up.

What?

This is the interview.

Dr. Synapsis.

[clears throat]

Pretend you want
to give it up.

It's the only way
to fight 'em.

How much do you smoke,
Mr. Bigalow?

Three packs a day.

The psychological profile
analysis

we prepared for you,
Mr. Bigalow, indicates

that you took up smoking
at the age of 15.

Yes.

In fact, Mr. Bigalow,

here is a photograph of you
at the age of 15.

You look like a teenager
with a cigarette

dangling from his lips.

I want to give it up.

You're saying this merely
because you want

to leave the simulacrum.

But it's true,
whether I get out or not,

I'm not gonna smoke anymore.

I don't want
to ever have another cigarette

as long as I live.

I mean it.

That's a good attitude to take,
Mr. Bigalow.

A promising attitude.

MATTHEWS:
It's a trap.

BIGALOW:
The alarm's turned off.

As soon as you touch those
cigarettes,

it'll come back on again.

What the hell difference
does it make?

I've lost everything
in the room anyway.

Everything's gone.

What could the next punishment
possibly be, anyway?

I know how
to short-circuit
the smoke alarm.

Tell me how.

Give me the cigarettes
in there, and I will.

If I give you all
the cigarettes,

what the hell
difference does it make

if the alarm is disconnected
or not?

You can keep one.

You have to give me
all the rest.

Can I keep two?

One.

All right, tell me how to do it.

Matthews?

Matthews!

[beeping]

Give 'em back! Give 'em back!

You're part of this!
You're trying to drive me crazy!

[buzzing and beeping]

Matthews!

[screaming]

[alarms powering down]

[grunts]

[panting]

[grunts]

[panting]

[moaning]

[beeping]

[buzzing and beeping]

FEMALE VOICE:
Please put out the cigarette.

Once the cigarette
has been extinguished,

the punishment will cease.

[screaming]

Please put out the cigarette.

Once the cigarette
has been extinguished...

[buzzing]

[buzzing stops]

I don't want one.

I don't want a cigarette.

I have no desire to smoke.

Oh, I hate dreams.

I loathe and despise dreams.

[sniffs]

My favorite.

[clears throat]

Ah...

[chuckles]

Ah...

SYNAPSIS:
Good morning, Mr. Bigalow.

Today, we're going
to do a little work

on your addiction
to caffeine.

[mug clattering]

A very promising
beginning, Mr. Bigalow.

A very promising
beginning.

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try...
to enjoy the daylight.