02x07 - The Devil's Advocate

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[tape rewinding]

[bright, synthesizer-driven
pop music playing]

ANNOUNCER [over speaker]:
Hello, America.

You're listening
to Talk Radio 970, T-A-L-K.

[music stops, door closes]

ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned for Mandrake,
the Devil's Advocate,

on Talk Radio 970, T-A-L-K.

MAN:
I give up.

There's a dead guy
in my car tonight.

Right inside my parking lot,
inside my building,

a dead guy.

Right inside my car,
in the front seat,

behind the steering wheel.

You believe that?

Probably some wino
or some freak

that OD'd-- I don't know.

Maybe... Maybe they mugged him.

I don't know.

I don't care;
that's not the point.

The point is, he's right there,
inside my parking lot,

inside my
tight-security building.

So, I call the cops.

Right?

A half an hour it takes them
to get there.

A half an hour!

I say, "Hey, I'm on the air
at 12:00!"

They say they don't care

if I'm going to make
the Gettysburg Address.

I say, "I haven't missed
a broadcast in 13 years,

"and I'm supposed to miss
a broadcast because this wino

"can't find a better place
to croak

than behind the front wheel
of my car?"

ANNOUNCER:
It's time now for Talk Radio

970's Mandrake,
the Devil's Advocate.

Idiots-- they're all idiots.

They can't get better jobs,
so they become cops.

So, because they're cops,
I'm supposed

to kiss their badges?

Hello.

It's midnight again, and this

is Mandrake,
the Devil's Advocate,

and I'm on a rampage tonight,
so, uh,

if you're calling in,
you better think twice.

It's raining here
where I am, and I, uh...

I had to walk
to the studio tonight,

because they found a dead guy
in my car.

Do you believe that?

Now, the cops start to hassle me

because they think I'm the guy
who k*lled this dead guy.

So, now, I'm on a rampage
against cops.

Come on, anybody want
to talk about cops?

Come on, call in.

I'll tell you what I think
about cops.

Exactly how I think.

No-holds-barred,
no punches pulled about cops,

[phone ringing]
about anything and everything.

Hello, this is Mandrake.

Where are you calling from?

WOMAN:
Oh... hello?

I'm calling from Cincinnati.

You want to talk
about cops?

Oh... [chuckles]

No, no, I want
to talk about, uh...

About what?

Come on, Cincinnati.

Don't waste my time.

Well, yeah, yeah, this...

this thing with no jobs...

"This thing with no jobs"?

It's called unemployment.

Yeah, so what?

W-Well, my husband worked
for 24 years in the same job.

Now they laid him off.

What did your husband do
for 24 years?

He's a steamfitter.

A steamfitter for 24 years?

I wouldn't be a steamfitter
for 24 minutes!

He's lucky he's lost his job.

Go on out and celebrate,
why don't you?

Go on out and have yourself
a fancy dinner

with French wine and escargot.

Don't worry about the bills.

I'll be paying for it.

Me and the other suckers
out there

who have good jobs,
who support the welfare system.

Welcome to welfare, lady.
Enjoy.

[crying]:
Oh, I knew I shouldn't
have called you.

Then why did you?

A neighbor lady
talked me into it.

Neighbor lady?

What, does this neighbor lady
run your life for you?

You do everything this neighbor
lady tells you to do?

[crying]:
You can't talk to me like this.

I'm a human being.

Yeah, well, I'm a human being,
too, madam.

A human being who's fed up
with the human condition!

[phone ringing]

Call me back when
you've decided

to do something
meaningful

with what's left
of your life.

I give up.

[music playing]

ANNOUNCER:
You're listening to Mandrake,
the Devil's Advocate,

on 970, T-A-L-K.

MANDRAKE:
I'm a human being, too.

As much as I don't want
to be, I am.

I'm a human being.

[phone ringing]

Hello, this is Mandrake,
the Devil's Advocate.

What's your beef?

ANNOUNCER:
You're tuned to Mandrake,
the Devil's Advocate.

Call 687-TALK.

MAN:
We keep spending
all this money on weapons,

and pretty soon,
you and your family

won't have anything to eat.

I don't have a
family anymore,

and I grow my own
vegetables, Nebraska.

I take care of myself.

I see what's coming,
and I prepare for it.

I don't get caught with
my pants down, like you farmers.

We're going to save the farmers,

save the railroads,
save the jobs in steel!

I give up.

[line clicks]

Get out of my life.

You're talking
to the Devil's Advocate.

MAN:
Yeah, Mandrake.

What I really wanted to know...

Where are you calling from, sir?

Yeah, I'm calling
from Pittsburgh.

And you're out of work,
too, right?

No, I got a job.

I'm on a job right now.

I'm calling from my job.

I'm a watchman.

What is it that you watch?

Listen, I just...

How can you stand it, sir?

What?
Watching.

Watching while other people

go through life having it all.

Yeah, I know, but, look...

No "but," sir.

People have it better than you--
much, much better--

and you stand there and watch?

What, are there nothing
but losers out there today?

One after another,
every call I get... losers!

Who you calling a loser?

What is the world coming to?

Nothing but losers anymore?

You people make me sick.

You have every advantage today.

Electronic, digital,
hot-and-cold running lives

with modern science
at your fingertips,

and you watch?

Losers!

All of you out there, losers!

Hey, I'll tell you what.

You're the loser
in my book, Mandrake.

How do you like that?

A four-dollar-an-hour watchman,
and he calls me a loser!

That's right--
I've been listening

to you for a long time,
and you've gone real sour.

I'll tell you what.

You're just a working stiff
like the rest of us.

Otherwise, how come you
sitting there listening to me?

I'm not listening to you;
you're listening to me.

The difference is,
I can turn you off.

They make you sit there.

You got to sit there
and stay on the phone.

Aren't you losing faith, sir?

All that watching you're doing.

Watching the parade go by
while your loved ones

have their lungs scalded
by spilled chemical gases.

While politicians use your sweat
to buy limousines.

While surgeons slice you open
unnecessarily

and remove
your perfectly good organs.

While your brothers
are sliced down in the streets

by cocaine dealers
with mansions in Mexico!

Aren't you losing faith?

And after the world kicks you
in the teeth all day,

you tune in at night so you
can get kicked some more by me?

I give up.

I give up.

Yeah, it sounds like you
did give up, Mandrake.

You used to have some sympathy.

Now it's like you're...

just down on everything.

Down on everything and everyone.

Yes, I give up.

I give up.

I can't stand it anymore!

More red lights
and whining voices.

Do you think you have
a personal exclusive on tragedy?

My mother di...

My mother died

in a fireball
on the side of a mountain

because somebody
sold counterfeit lugs

to an airline for
a buck-seventy-five apiece.

My father died
in a union picket line.

My wife... has been in a coma
for three years

because some technician
gave her a general anesthetic

too soon after she
ate her last supper.

My son was the only
passenger k*lled

when a car full
of drunken teenagers

hit a pothole that should
have been repaired

by one of you idiots out there

and skidded into a tree!

Yeah... well...

I just called to tell you
what I thought.

What you thought?

You mean you actually
thought, sir?

Once? More than once?

How many times
did you think, sir?

I hope it wasn't too taxing.

You're a louse, Mandrake.

You've turned real sour.

And I ain't gonna
tune you in anymore.

This is it for me

and I've been listening
to you for a long time.

You call yourself
the Devil's Advocate.

Well, you sound more
like the Devil himself!

I hope everybody
stops listening to you

and I hope people
stop calling in!

And you have to just sit there,

wherever you are, and rot
till the end of time!

[line clicks,
dial tone drones]

They'll never stop listening
to me, Watchman.

They can't tune me out!

They're drawn to me!

Drawn like moths to a flame.

I say the things
they wish they could say.

The Hyde to these ineffective
Jekylls who stay up all night

to hear me speak their minds!

They can't tune me out!

They'll always be there.

Well, it's time
for a commercial.

But the engineer
seems to be on a break.

That's okay with me.

The sponsors have
plenty of money.

And you suckers out there

will buy their worthless
products anyway,

commercial or no.

You're talking to
the Devil's Advocate.

Where you calling from?

WOMAN [staticky]:
Hello?

You're on the air.

[staticky]:
Hel... ?

Hello?

Turn your radio down, ma'am.

How many times
must I tell you people

to turn your radio down
when you call?

Radio? Oh, no,
I don't have a radio.

What's your problem, lady?

Speak up or hang up.

Hang up?

Yes, hang up.

Unless you have something
to say, hang up the telephone.

Oh, dear me, no.

The nearest telephone
is down at Prichard's store.

People don't have telephones
in their homes, Mr. Mandrake.

Not even in 1922.

How are you hearing me?

You do hear me, don't you?

WOMAN [staticky]:
Oh, yes, I hear you.

How are you managing that,
ma'am, without a radio

and without a telephone?

I don't know.

But I am hearing you

and I don't like what I hear.

I don't blame you.

The signal must be terrible.

Tell me, how am I coming in?

On your orthodontia,
your corset ribbing,

a hanger you left
inside your dress?

I don't understand.

I only understand that
you're rude and overbearing

and I felt compelled to speak.

MAN:
Hello, Mandrake.

You're on the air,
where are you calling from?

Well, uh, I'm in New Mexico.

What the hell do we need
a new Mexico for?

The old one is raunchy enough.

I think we should get our
boys out of Spanish America.

The man just heard the news.

What's the matter, New Mexico?

Don't you know a good
old-fashioned

mountain w*r's
good for the economy?

Ah, President Wilson's a madman

if he thinks this
punitive expedition

is gonna do anything
for the USA.

I think the whole thing
is just a dress rehearsal

for the w*r in Europe.

What is this,
the inmate's night out?

Hello, this is Mandrake,
the Devil's Advocate.

Where are you calling from,
the Middle Ages?

MAN:
I'd like to talk
about the concentration camps.

The Nazis...
[click]

Hello, this is Mandrake.

WOMAN:
You're evil, Mandrake.

What is the date
on your newspaper, ma'am?

My newspaper?

Why?

What is the date?

What is today's date?

Are these questions
too tough for you?

Why, it's June 17,

nineteen hundred
and sixty-seven.

Do you need the time of day?
[click]

What is this, a conspiracy?

What, are you loonies out there
trying to g*ng up on me?

They're ganging...

What's going on?

What's going on here?

Hello... hello.

I want an outside line.

WOMAN [recorded]:
We're sorry...

Hello, hello!

I want an outside line!

These lines are intended
for incoming calls only.

[phones ringing]

MAN:
Mandrake.

WOMAN:
Mandrake.

MAN:
Hello.

WOMAN:
Hello.

MAN:
Hello.

WOMAN:
Mandrake... hello, Mandrake.

[Mandrake screams, yells]

MAN:
Hello, Mandrake.

Hello?

Mandrake.

[overlapping voices saying
"Hello, Mandrake"]

[voices stop,
phones continue ringing]

Oh, my...

Oh...

DEEP MALE VOICE:
Mandrake.

Hello.

Mandrake.

Hello, hello.

[eerie wind whistling]

Mandrake.

Mandrake.

[anxious gasp]

I thought you never whined,
Mandrake.

I thought you made the best
of things, no matter what.

[sinister laughter]

Who...

Who are you?

I'm your boss.

My... boss?

That's right.

Just calling to tell you
what a wonderful job

you've done
these past 13 years.

"What a wonderful job"?

I couldn't have asked
for a better advocate.

Why, you've made
more people

turn to me than I could have
ever possibly hoped for.

[sinister laughter]

[laughter continues]

I made people turn to you?

[sinister laughter]

Sorry I had to deal you
such a rough hand, Mandrake.

Your wife, your kid.

Your mom and dad.

Mom?

Dad?

Listen, I don't blame you
for giving up, Mandrake.

Giving up?

I don't blame you at all.

If you hadn't given up, I would
have promoted you myself.

Promoted me?

But I didn't have to.

You gave up on your own.

Perfect timing.

I really needed somebody
in this new slot.

New... slot?

[Morse code beeping]

Oh... just a moment.

There's a news bulletin
coming through.

Sorry, Mandrake,

but we have to interrupt
this broadcast for a moment.

[man clearing throat]

REPORTER:
Luther Mandrake,

known to radio listeners
as the Devil's Advocate,

was found dead tonight
behind the wheel

of his Rolls-Royce,
in the parking lot

beneath his lavish
apartment building

on the city's Nob Hill.

Known for his insulting rhetoric
and abrasive style,

Mandrake, hated by so many
of his listeners,

is undoubtedly
still taking calls,

if not at that Great Switchboard
in the Sky,

then down below,
where he belongs.

[sinister laughter]

[swing music playing]

[phones ringing]

[phones continue ringing]

[sinister laughter]

Hello, this is Mandrake.

Where are you calling from?

WOMAN: I'm calling from nineteen
hundred and forty-seven.

-MAN: I'm calling from 1921.
-WOMAN: ...1952...

MANDRAKE:
You're talking
to the Devil's Advocate.

Where are you
calling from, sir?

WOMAN:
1926.

MANDRAKE:
This is Mandrake,
the Devil's Advocate.

MAN:
I'm calling from 1930.

MANDRAKE:
One after another,
every call I get... losers!

They'll always be there.

You're talking
to the Devil's Advocate.

[overlapping voices continue]
Listeners.

Callers.

They'll always be there.

Forever...

and ever.

MANDRAKE:
I give up.

[Mandrake's and callers' voices
overlapping, phones ringing]

[sobbing]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time,
try to enjoy the daylight.