02x09 - The Trouble with Mary Jane

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

♪ ♪

Hi, sweetheart.

Feeling any better?

[vicious,
wild growling]

That's good.

Let me smooth this out for you.

[panting,
deep grunting]

[grunting, growling]

[loud snap]
Oh!

Mustn't bite
Grammy, dear.

You have very sharp teeth.

Oh!

[choking]

Let go of the pearls, dear.

Look,

how about a little
something to eat?

That always makes us
feel better.

I made you some
lovely chicken soup.

[panting,
snorting]

Here comes the airplane...

[grunting]
[clacking]

[wild growling]
Dear! Let...

go!

[low grunting]

[nervous chuckle]

[low growling]

[excited grunting]

Did you prefer to drink
the soup from a cup, dear?

[wild growling]

[growling continues]
Oh, Mary Jane,

it's a sin to waste
good food like that.

Chicken soup is
so nutritious.

WOMAN'S VOICE [echoing]:
I am not Mary Jane.

I am Aisha Condisha!

And I do not want
any chicken soup.

I want men's souls to eat.

[growls]

[panting]

Let's get out of here.

Now, darling,
don't be naughty.

You know we don't
eat men's souls.

[gasping breaths]

[wild growling]

This isn't the palm reading
for the ladies' auxiliary, Jack.

This is for real!

That kid is possessed!

I know.

And she needs us, Nora.

Like a hole in the head.

We don't know anything
about exorcisms,

and we don't want to know
anything about 'em.

Now, let's go!

If you have no compassion

for this poor, suffering child,

think of the $50,000
we stand to make from this job.

That should
make even you

want to do something
for someone else.

You see how
difficult she's being?

I can't do a thing
with her!

Mrs. Knudsen, that child
is demon-possessed.

That's what everyone's
been saying.

But no one's been able
to do anything about it.

Can you help?

There's no way...

There's no way we'd
let you down, Mrs. K.

Oh...
Is there
any history

of demon possession
in your family?

Oh, for Pete's sake!

I've got to get all
the facts, don't I?

I'm sure Mrs. Knudsen

realizes the importance
of a full investigation.

Certainly.

Now, let me think
for just a minute.

Mary Jane's parents
have passed away, of course.

But they were both fine.

There's a cousin
in Downer's Grove

who says he's General Patton.

But he's 92 years old,
of course.

He thinks his room
in the rest home

is a Sherman tank.

JACK:
Not the same thing.

Mary Jane here is
a special situation.

Yes, I think so, too.

As far as I know,

there haven't been
any other demons

in the family.

I don't believe this.

I think it's time
we spoke to the little lady.

Demon!

I command you to speak!

Who are you, and why
do you torment this child?

I am she who
rules and devours men.

I am Aisha Condisha. See?

I have goat's feet.

[crazed,
echoing laughter]

Those are definitely
not Mary Jane's feet.

For 12,000 years,
men have been my sl*ves,

and I have sent their souls
into everlasting fire.

You will leave
this child in peace!

You will set Mary Jane free!

[laughs]

Mary Jane belongs to me now,

and I have sent her
very far away.

You will obey me!

I'll eat your heart for dinner

if you mess with me!

[seething breath]

[crazed grunting]

[growling, grunting]

I think that's enough for now.

Mrs. Milton, I have
to get back to the tea room

for some further study.

This is a very
complicated case.

Uh, what my husband
means is that

we do tea leaves, tarot cards,

Ouija boards,

but we don't do exorcisms.

So we haven't done one before.

But we can and will
take this one on.

NORA:
What my husband
is saying

is that we'll consider
the possibility of taking it on,

but we will need to give this
a lot of further thought

and discussion.

Oh, dear, please
don't turn us away.

I was so counting
on your help.

[crazed, echoing laughter]

So much is at stake, you see.

My poor Mary Jane...

she'll be damned if you don't.

I think she's damned already.

[growling]

I see the sign
of youth.

A boy.

Nasty little things.

Oh, no. An animal,
a male animal.

Well, I refuse to stay here
any longer and be insulted.

You can't argue with
destiny, Ms. Brinkly.

Oh, yes, I can.

I'm the one who's
paying you the five dollars.

[pig grunting]
Ugh! Disgusting!

[snorting]

Nora, I've got it knocked.

[grunting]

What in the world are
you doing with a pig?
[squeals]

Oh! It's that exorcism
thing, isn't it?

I found an incantation

that'll drive the demon
right out of that little girl

and straight
into this little piggy here.

Think of it,
we'll save Mary Jane

and achieve instant
financial security.

Sure. It's about as good a bet
as all the others you've had.

[groans]

And about as rich as
this stuff has made us.

Aw, come on, now,
don't start knocking this,

uh, little tea room here.

It's given us

a good living
for the past five years.

Besides, the work we're
doing here is important.

Oh, like fun, it is!

Stringing along a bunch
of old maids and housewives.

Huh! We should have opened
a beauty shop,

like Ethel down the street

with the savings,
like I wanted to.

We'd be serving
the same clientele,

except we'd be doing
perms and dye jobs

instead of work
with significance.

You want to know
something significant?

I haven't had a new winter coat
since we opened this place.

Now, that's
significant!

That's what I'm
trying to tell you.

This exorcism is
the big payoff.

The greatest challenge
to my career

of the occult sciences.

With enough money thrown in
to buy you a dozen fur coats

and me a fancy new car.

Just have faith in me, baby.

Here we go,
piggy, piggy, piggy.

Nice little piggy.

Go put the hex sign
on the bed

right there beside her hooves.

You do it.
I can't.

Can't you see
I'm holding this pig?

Hurry up!

[growling]

Good. Now take the pen and draw
the pentangle on her forehead.

I'll hold the pig.

Oh, all right, here, hold him.

Give me the pen.

Remove the foul beast
from my presence.

You dare come no closer!

[growling]

[loud growling]

[wind howling]

What now, hotshot?

[wind rushing,
pig grunting and squealing]

[loud clattering]

NORA:
Jack, I'm gonna
k*ll you for this!

[growling]

[clattering]

[growling]

[squealing]

[loud crash]

[pig squealing]

[squealing stops]

[pig grunting quietly]
KNUDSEN:
Mr. Mills?

Mrs. Mills?

Is everything
all right?

I was wondering if
I could come in.

I baked some of Mary
Jane's favorite cookies.

[echoing laughter]

Hello?

Oh, I don't believe it.

Are you back at
that book again?

You lose one battle,
you don't lose the w*r.

Face it, Jack, you're
out of your league.

Forget about
the $50,000.

Go out and hustle up
some group readings.

We need to recoup the
cost of the emergency
room treatment.

You're mumbling
about nickels and dimes

when there's $50,000 out there

for the guy with
the guts to think big.

Here, let me read you
something right here.

It says there's this demon named
Gad who's the ruler

of the underworld.

All other demons must
heed his command.

And here's the formula
for invoking him

and binding him to your will.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about rousting
this Gad

and getting him to command
the demon inside Mary Jane

to take a hike.

I've got to fight
fire with fire.

Prepare yourself
for a major conflagration.

I'm out of the exorcism business
as of yesterday.

I'm staying home.

Nora, you can't do that.

I need an experienced assistant.

Advertise.

Oh, yeah? All right, I will.

Who are you calling?

The Penny Saver Press.

Hello. I'd like to place an ad.

Jack Mills
of the Tea Room.

Jack, you are so ridiculous!

Wanted: Assistant for exorcism.

Experienced preferred.

They're gonna put you away,
Jack.

One night only.
$5,000

salary.

Jack Mills, you hang up
that phone.

Cancel that ad,
do you hear me?

You've had
your joke.

Cancel that ad.

[door creaks]

Why, isn't this lovely?

Oh, Mary Jane, it's so good

to see you playing
with your dolls again.

[growling]

[snaps fingers]

Oh, my, that was original.

Very creative.

[laughs]

Oh, God, let's get
this over with.

May I help?

Uh, yes, you and Nora take
some of these candles

and set them up
around the room.

There's some matches there.

[Mary Jane growling]

What new game is this?

Demon, your number's up.

Your ticket's punched.
You've met your match.

[growls]

Will you shut up?

Don't go getting her
angry again.

She's already wiped
the floor up with you once.

Are you sure you've got
this spell down right?

Yep. And here we go.

"Demon spirit, heed the call.

Your lord and master comes
to command you."

[demonic roar]

[deep voice]:
Who calls me?!

Jack!

Oh, boy, this is great!

Who trifles with almighty Gad?!

[gasps]

Don't worry. Now is the time
we bend him to our will.

Gad will destroy!

[laughs evilly]

All right, all right,
don't rush me.

NORA:
Jack!

JACK:
I can't read this paper.
It's pitch dark in here.

You have a light?

[Gad roaring]

[roaring ceases]

Well, Mrs. K,
that was a very good try.

One well worth repeating.

I'm sure the next time

we'll really accomplish
something.

[Mary Jane groaning
with Gad's voice]

[yawning]

GAD:
Not too bad.

A little short,
the wrong sex,

but it'll do for a start.

Mary Jane?

I am Gad, the destroyer
and commander!

Aisha?

Aisha is here,
but she awaits my command.

AISHA:
Aisha Condisha waits on no one.

Gad, you blowhard.

Go find yourself
another body.

GAD:
Sleep, she devil!

Gad commands you!

AISHA:
Be gone, whelp. You crowd me.

GAD:
You insignificant wench!

You only exist at my mercy!

AISHA:
Impotent worm! [laughs] I laugh
at your threats!

GAD:
Move over. Give me room.

AISHA:
Fool, there is none.

This mere girl is barely
sufficient for Aisha,

the queen of seductresses.

GAD:
Then leave!

AISHA:
Never! [laughs]

She's mine, all mine!

And I was here first.

[Gad and Aisha both laughing]

Oh, Mary Jane!

[roars, growls]

[classical music plays]
What exactly do you think
you're doing?

While you sit there doing
absolutely nothing

with a face as long
as a donkey's hind end,

I am dedicating

my entire
physical being

to the total defeat

of my client's supernatural
tormenters.

[panting]

Would you hand me that bottle
of water

by the phone, please?

Thank you.

You know
what this is?

Pure, unadulterated
spring water.

Full of natural power.

It's all I'm gonna eat
for an entire week.

You're gonna fast
for seven days?

[sighs]

Just this.

That I'll have to see
to believe.

Go ahead, scoff if you will.

But I have a major occult
situation under control.

Right here
and now.

Give it up, Jack.
You can't do it.

You haven't got it in you.

Oh, yes, I have.
And I'll bring it out.

I'll seek the power of every
oracular source in my knowledge

and I'll set that girl free.

KNUDSEN: Will there be any
equipment to prepare?

Candles or farm animals?

Nope. This time
we're operating

on pure spiritual power.

Mary Jane, Mary Jane.

[growls]

AISHA:
Who calls me?

GAD:
No one, witch! Be silent!

They seek Gad!

Demons of hell,
heed my spell.

Spirits of night,
fear my light.

Jack, you better
know what you're doing.

AISHA:
You've had it this time,
intruder.

[growling]

[seething]

Now is the hour.
Ours is the power.

GAD:
Gad will destroy you!

Die!

[clattering]

Free this soul!

[shatters]

AISHA:
Hit him with everything

you've got, Gad!

GAD:
Die! Die!

Die! Die!

Die!

[shrieking]

[shattering]

What do you think
you're doing?!

I need your power
to fight them.
Concentrate.

Think of the money!

GAD:
Die!

Die!

Let me go, you idiot!

Die!

[shrieking]

Die!

[whimpering]

Get thee out!
Get thee out!

Get thee out!

AISHA:
No, no, never!

GAD:
No, no, never!

AISHA:
No, no, never!

GAD:
No, no, never!

Die!
[Aisha wailing]

Die!

[Aisha wailing]

Obey me!
Release this child!

[screams]

[thunderous crashing]

[electrical zapping]

[girl's voice]:
Grammy?

Mary Jane!

Oh, Mary Jane!

Grammy, what happened?

Nothing. You've been
a little sick,

that's all, dear.

You're all better now.

Grammy, the room.

Oh, uh, just
a tiny earthquake, dear.

Don't worry about it.

I'll call the decorator
first thing in the morning.

Who are those
people, Grammy?

Our dear friends,
Mr. and Mrs. Mills.

It's they that got
you well, dear.

How can I ever
thank you

for giving me back
my grandchild?

[Gad and Aisha growl]

Mr. Mills, Mrs. Mills,
are you all right?

AISHA:
I am not Mr. Mills.

I am Aisha Condisha.

I am she

who rules
and devours men.

Mr. Mills is not here.

I have sent him
far away.

Oh, my, Mrs. Mills,
I'm so sorry.

GAD:
I am Gad, the destroyer
and commander.

Aisha is here, but
she awaits my command.

Grammy, what's going on?

Oh, it's nothing, dear.

I'm sure it'll be all right.

AISHA: What am I
doing in here?

I wanted
the woman's body.

Are you never
content, witch?

This sorry excuse
for a body

is no good to the queen
of seductresses.

Shut up and
close the door!

I don't like this body.

It's better than the
one you had. [laughs]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.