02x15 - A New Lease on Life

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[rhythmic synthesized tones]

[mechanical growl]

[door opening]

There's a catch.

Closet-- nice size, too.

Come on, what's the catch?

Doesn't have a bathroom?

It has a bathroom.

Closet.

Ceiling fan!

Kitchenette.

My God, it's even got a view.

What's the catch?

There's no catch.

Come on, there's got to be.

For this location, an apartment
rents for $1,000 a month.

So when the lease says
$200 a month,

I figure there's a catch.

Hot water's extra.

Come on, what's the catch?

Did you sign
the lease yet?

Of course I signed
the lease.

You can't get a parking place
in this neighborhood

for $200 a month.

Will you put those things
down, please?

Stupid jerk!

That's my mother's
microwave oven!

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Dangerous.

Radiation gets in the walls
that can't get out again.

They turn themselves on
at night,

and they give you cataracts.

TENANT:
They do not.

All they do is boil
water very fast

and heat up leftovers.

Mac will clean
this up for you.

My mother set great store
by that microwave oven.

She wrote a special codicil
in her will leaving it to me.

How did your mother die?

Did you
bury her?

Did you cremate her?

Mac, you ask
too many questions.

Mr. Fenton has hardly had time
to settle in yet.

There isn't much more,
is there?

Just my clothes.

Good.

The rooms here at the St. George
don't like to be too cramped.

I'm Madame Angler.

I help take care
of the St. George.

You may call me Madame Angler,
or you may just call me Madame.

Go!

My microwave oven--

he threw it on the floor.

Al has weak wrists.

It probably just slipped.

Well, I think it's the
management's responsibility

to replace it.

I hardly think
that will be possible,

considering the extremely
reasonable rent

you're being charged.

And anyway,

the St. George doesn't
allow microwaves.

It creates vibrations
in the atmosphere.

Is there anything else that
the St. George doesn't allow?

No. We're all free spirits here.

You help take care
of the St. George,

and the St. George
will take care of you.

What do you mean take care of?

That's what you have
maintenance men for, isn't it?

We don't ask much of you,
Mr. Fenton.

Just two things basically.

That you take your trash out
every night.

The bottles and non-
biodegradable items

in the basement,

and the organic garbage
down the hall in the disposal.

No plastic bags, please.

And another thing
we ask is

that you not hang
any pictures.

If you must,
tape them.

Fine.

But is there a reason for this?

Nail holes are so unsightly.

They're like wounds.

Good.

Now is there a way to turn on
the lights at the St. George?

I don't see any switch.

Ah...

Just place your palm here
and rub it a little.

[mechanical purring]

What's that noise?

The pipes in the walls--

sometimes they sing.

[pipes groaning,
walls rattling]

Al and Mac will be up
with your things.

We're very happy
to have you here, Mr. Fenton.

[chuckles]

For $200 a month, I can put up
with a landlady

who's crazy as a loon,

maintenance men
with weak wrists.

Believe me, for $200 a month,
I could put up with a lot worse.

[mechanical sigh]
Because what they don't know
won't hurt them.

[mechanical groan]

[groaning grows louder]

FENTON:
Hi, Mom.

[mechanical grunt]

[mechanical retching]

[sniffing]

What's that smell?

Peroxide.

For a wall?

For a wound.

Look, how long are you guys
going to be?

I got to get to
work eventually.

It's my first day-- I
can't afford to be late.

We're done.

You can't buy
forgiveness.

What?

I thought you
wanted a tip.

Forgiveness
for what?

For hanging
a picture?

[sighs]
Let's go.

You ought to call a plumber.

There's probably a broken pipe
behind that wall,

and that's why it...

bled.

[knocking]

I'm Helen Tanner.
I live next door.

Archie Fenton.
I moved in yesterday.

I heard you hung a picture.

You heard...

Well, who told
you that?

That took guts.

No, it took a hammer

and it took a nail.

But the picture
didn't stay up.

There was all this...

It's gone.

Those maintenance men--

they know their stuff.

I brought you a flower.

Welcome wagon.

But you have to put
water in it.

I would have,

but I don't have any
in my apartment.

Well, you should speak
with Madame Angler.

She'll get those
two Neanderthals--

they'll fix your water.

No, I won't let them inside.

I'm going to be late for work.

It's my first day, and I...
I don't want to look bad.

Get out of here.

I beg your pardon?

Leave. Find another apartment
today, right now.

Where am I going to find another
apartment for $200 a month?

And besides, I signed
a two-year lease

renewable at the same price.

I'm never going to leave here.

There's something they don't
tell you in the lease.

[mechanical growling]

[rumbling]

[mechanical snarling]

That's what
they don't tell you--

that the subway runs
under the room.

I have to go.

But first, lend me
a cup of water?

Hurry.

It has my name on it.

My mother's name was Helen, too.

Be careful.

[loud snap and growl]

[scraping sounds]

He can't be late.

It's his first day.

Will it be his last?

I say no.

[distant siren wailing]

Helen, are you
all right?

All right?

I tried to call you
from the office today.

I hadn't seen you
since I first moved in.

I thought maybe
you'd like a drink.

You're unlisted.

The phone company doesn't
come to the St. George.

Well, I knocked on your door
yesterday...

I don't open the door anymore.

I heard you got
a promotion.

Where'd you hear that?

News travels fast

in the St. George.

Did you get a raise?

Yes.

Good. Now you can
get another place.

How is the rose that I gave you?

I had to
throw it away.

Good evening,
you young persons.

I borrowed a cup.

I'm returning it.

You didn't borrow that cup,
Miss Tanner.

It has your name on it.

My mother's name was Helen.

What a coincidence.

Now you take

your cup
into your room

Miss Tanner.

Miss Tanner's lease
may not be renewed,
Mr. Fenton.

Let that be a lesson
to you, Archibald.

You're not throwing
all that food away, are you?

[gong crashes]

I'm not throwing it away,
I'm disposing of it.

My husband died
about eight months ago.

I just can't get out
of the habit

of cooking for two.

How does that thing work,
sound waves?

You haven't been

providing much garbage,
Mr. Fenton.

Well, I guess
I eat out a lot.

As I said, I always
cook for two.

Come over to dinner
tomorrow night.

I couldn't.
I've got...

We'll celebrate
your promotion.

7:30. As you see,
I'm right across the hall.

[banging at neighbor's door ]

[insistent banging]

[doorknob rattling]

[banging continues]

[doorknob rattling]

[neighbor's door creaks]

MAC:
Your lease is up, Miss Tanner.

TANNER:
Get out of here!
Leave me alone!

MAC:
Your lease is up.

[blows landing, loud crash]

TANNER:
No! No!

[man grunts, body thuds]

[dragging sound along hallway]

It's late.
[gong crashes]

I thought I heard...

It was a dream.

[mechanical growling]

[rumbling]

[mechanical gulp,
contented sigh]

[yawning]

Uh, hard day?
I know the symptoms.

My husband Walter
used to yawn like that.

He yawned all evening,

and he never got
a decent night's rest.

Neither did I
last night.

All that noise.

What noise?

In Helen's
apartment.

It sounded like a...

Yes?

Like a struggle.

Helen's husband came back.

They had a fight.

And then they made up,
and he took her away.

I don't think
she's coming back.

I thought she wasn't married.

It's Miss Tanner.

Well, cheers

to the newest tenant
of the St. George.

That's wine.

No, it's sake.

It's bad luck
to drink a toast

with a non-alcoholic
beverage.

But I saw you fill those glasses
at the sink.

[oven timer dings]

There's our bird, Archibald.

Who're you feeding tonight,

the Chinese army?

An asparagus casserole,

cranberry sauce,

mashed potatoes

and sweet potatoes.

Here, have a breadstick.

But this is so much food.

I hope you're not going to be
like that dreadful Miss Tanner.

You know, I'm not a bit sorry
she's gone.

All she ever ate

was brown rice
and yogurt.

Now what kind of organic garbage
do you think that makes?

Not very interesting.

Not very interesting at all.

Would you do the honors?

[strikes match]

Won't all this keep?

Why are you throwing
it out tonight?

I hate leftovers.

I hate eating
something I cooked

the night before.

Just put it all down
the disposal, Archibald.

Leftovers are for the
developing nations,

not for the tenants
of the St. George.

Sounded like you had
some trouble last night.

Helen really seemed upset
with you two.

Not me. It was
my night off.

Not with me.

I slept in the basement
next to the furnace.

Where's Helen?

Shouldn't you dispose of that?

How can that crazy woman waste
all this food?

[low mechanical growling]

[growling grows louder]

[electrical sizzle]

[glass breaks]

[growling continues]

[electrical zapping]

[sizzling]

[growling]

[electrical frizzing]

[banging at door]

What did I say?!

What the hell
is happening?!

I told you to go straight
to the disposal unit.

You haven't been providing,
Mr. Fenton!

[gong crashes]

Do it, Mr. Fenton.

From now on,
I expect you to provide

your share of
organic garbage.

ANGLER:
And try to show a little more
respect for the building.

It's very special, you know.

Who the hell does she think
she is?

I'll give her
some organic garbage.

[low mechanical growling]

What else?
What else would it like?

[loud mechanical roaring]

Just providing my share,
Madame Angler.

You idiot!

You had a lease for life
in the best building in town.

Sure, until it ate me.

[growling trails off]

[growling ceases]

Dead?

Dead.

It never would have eaten you.

Well, Helen was eaten.
I know she was.

But she never belonged.

You do.

But how...?

ANGLER:
You could have
lived here forever

for $200 a month
and a few leftovers.

[gasps]

[muffled screams]

[mechanical gulps]

These modern,
selfish tenants.

They have no respect
for the building.

None at all.

I couldn't agree with you
more, Madame.

I found this last one
especially hard to stomach.

[laughs heartily]

[belly laugh]

[all laughing]

[mechanical laughter]

[laughter continues]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time,

try to enjoy the daylight.