04x06 - The Grave Robber

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

Go slowly.

The great ones always set
traps for grave robbers.

The most innocent stone
can trigger the catastrophe.

l can't take all night, Ahmed.

l don't want
the Egyptian army dropping in

for a piece of this pie.

l assure you, Dr. Gromley...

Gormley.

l have told no one
of my discovery, except you,

and the lady, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chop, chop.

Come on.

AHMED: The minute
l discovered these passages,

l could hear the song
of gold and jewels.

Spare us the poetry, Ahmed.

l could have gone
to the authorities, of course.

But why keep such wonderments
locked in a museum

when they can be converted
into cash?

You're a real philosopher.

And you, Dr. Gromley...

Gormley.

...are a practical
archaeologist.

Are you sure you can get the
treasures out of the country?

Don't worry about Harold.

He has his ways.

Damn right.

HAROLD:
How much further?

AHMED:
l'm not exactly certain

what lies beyond this door.

HAROLD:
Look at that!

AHMED: This is as far
as l've explored.

These stones presented
an insurmountable obstacle.

[wind whistling]

HAROLD:
lncredible.

What does it say?

Well, basically,
what it comes down to is,

''No admittance.

No one is allowed
beyond this point.''

l'll get the plastic expl*sives.

This shouldn't take much.

Be careful.

AHMED: Yes. Proceed
with the utmost extreme caution.

lt would not take much

to bring a ton of rocks
down on our heads.

The risk is worth the reward,
wouldn't you say?

Shouldn't we take cover?

l'm gonna do this
with a series

of small explosions; use just
as much power as we need.

We'll wear the thing down.

Yes. No need to destroy
any valuable artifacts.

HAROLD:
Don't worry.

lf this really is the tomb
of Amenhotep,

you'll be able
to buy yourself a pyramid.

Ready?

Stand back.

Here, honey.

Hold this.

[scraping]

AHMED:
Utterly amazing.

How did you do that?

l don't know.

Maybe l touched
a release mechanism.

Oh, l'm not gonna stand here
second-guessing a door.

Let's go.

Ahmed, you first.

Thank you, but l would gladly
surrender that honor.

WOMAN:
Oh, wow.

[whispering]:
Harold?

Nothing shines.

No gold?

[whispering]: Well, this isn't
the pharaoh's tomb.

lt's just an outer chamber.

Well, who's that,
the receptionist?

WOMAN:
''Here lies

''Tapok, Lord Chamberlain

to the Most High and Mighty,
Son of the Sun, Ahknaton.''

[squealing]:
We found it! Told ya!

[sighs]

Okay, the pharaoh's tomb must be
somewhere beyond that point.

All right, first things first.

-Ahmed?
-Huh?

Help me lift this lid.

Oh, why disturb an employee?

BOTH:
Come on!

-[woman murmurs]
-[Ahmed exhales]

HAROLD:
Ready?

AHMED:
Yes.

[all grunting with effort]

WOMAN:
Look at that necklace.

Riches to rags.

Pardon the pun.

lf this is the servant,

can you imagine
what's waiting for us, huh?

AHMED: That bauble alone is
worth a king's ransom.

l would take it and gladly
leave well enough alone.

Chicken feed, Ahmed.

We're going
for the whole bonanza.

The pharaoh's chamber must be
somewhere beyond this point.

A bird in the hand.

HAROLD:
Leave it!

We'll pick it up
on the way back.

[gags, neck cracks]

[screaming]

[thud]

[Harold and woman gasp]

This has got to be an illusion.

Oh, yeah? Tell Ahmed.

[grunting]

[angry muttering]

The plastique.

WOMAN: Hell, no.
You can't set that off in here.

Press it.

[expl*si*n]

[Tapok grunts]

[mutters angrily]

[Harold yelping]

Please, dear God! No!

[nasal grunting]

l will strip the flesh
from your bones!

Aileen, save me!

He spoke English.

l speak the language
of any intruder

in this sacred burial place,

so they can hear my curse
over their bloody coffins.

[Harold shrieking]

HAROLD:
Humor him!

-AlLEEN: Um, hi.
-[Tapok growls]

[clears throat] Uh, you say
others have come here?

Many others!

And it has amused me

to watch their bones
disintegrate.

We're not grave robbers.
We're... We're scientists.

Like your astrologers.
We... We only want

to study your culture.

No matter!

You're ghosts now!

[Harold whimpering]

l will play with you

as if you were my toys.

l will amuse myself,

and then, oblivion!

HAROLD [crying]:
He means it.

AlLEEN:
l know he means it!

l will think... of a slow death.

[Harold whimpers]

A special one,
something memorable

for me to recall
into the next millennium.

As you wish, Lord Chamberlain

to the Most High and Mighty,
Son of the Sun.

-What are you saying?
-Shut up.

You know my title?!

What-What, are you kidding me?

You're a very important man.

Uh, well, yes,

but l thought that,
after all these year--

Wait a minute!

You read it
on my sarcophagus!

Oh...

We're dead!

l will make marbles
of your eyeballs!

AlLEEN:
All right.

Do it. Fine. Do it.

Get it over with.

-Aileen!
-Shut up!

Yes.

Right now.

HAROLD:
No!

No! No! No, not right now!

[Tapok laughs]

She was just trying
to incite you.

You're not gonna let yourself
get talked

into anything, are you?

l wonder how long

your heart will keep beating
outside of your chest.

Not long,
Your High and Mightiness.

He's not gonna k*ll you... yet.

-You want to bet on it?!
-l-l know it.

Do you dare
to doubt Tapok's declaration?

Oh, no, l'm-l'm... l'm not
doubting anything,

Your Mumminess.

l'm-l'm just saying
that you have had many chances

to k*ll us, and you actually
have-have not done that.

That'd come as a surprise
to Ahmed.

Uh, no,
he's too bored to k*ll us.

That's it, isn't it?

Come on.



You want to keep us around
to amuse you for a little while.

The only thing
that would amuse me would be

to watch you die, inch by inch.

l think l'll use my
Golden Chain of Office

to choke the air
out of you, wench.

A golden death
for a golden life.

Um, well, okay, k*ll me.

See if l care. Fine. Fine.

But you'll be snuffing out
your last chance

of grabbing a few laughs
for a century, at least.

Watching you squirm,

l'll be laughing for centuries.

Well, sure.
l mean, who wouldn't?

But, you know,
you got to think the long-term.

After 500 years or so,

those laughs are gonna
be wearing a little bit thin.

l mean, sitting around,
back to the old boredom,

day in and day out.

Sitting around
in that old sarcophagus.

You know what you need?

You need something that's gonna
really keep you laughing.

Something really fun.

Like-Like games, sports.

-What sports?
-What sports?

Uh... arm wrestling.

[clears throat]

Harold, there,

is a terrific arm wrestler.

l-l bet he could beat you.

No, no, no, no,
l've got weak arms, weak.

What do you bet?

Well, what do l bet?

Um... my Walkman.

Your-Your-Your what?

Okay, boys...

let's see you do it.

[Tapok grunts, Harold sobs]

-Give me the toy!
-HAROLD: No!

Congratulations.

You win the Walkman,
fair and square.

[Harold sobs in pain]

You-You...
You are in terrific shape.

But l bet you couldn't take
Harold in a fight.

-T-T-Take?
-What?!

Anybody can beat Harold
in an arm wrestle.

Are you kidding me?

Look at the guy.

But no one can beat Harold
in a fight.

Fights like a demon.

l thought we were supposed
to be on the same side.

Look, Raggedy Andy,
l'm an intellectual.

Oh!

-TAPOK: Next!
-AlLEEN: Uh... Uh...

How about riddles?

Uh, what has the face
of a woman, the body of a lion,

and even when it's working,
it always takes pause?

Easy. The sphinx.

Oh, even l knew that one.

That's older than l am.

AlLEEN:
Okay, okay.

l've got an idea.

What do you say
we play some cards?

Um, uh, the tarot?

Uh, not exactly.

l was thinking of something

a little more
on the lines of poker.

''Pawkuh''? Show me how.

Okay.

You sit here.
[Aileen pats seat twice]

Harold, sit over there.

[Harold moans]

Uh, wh-what about you?

l'll just be
your good luck charm.

Wait.

TAPOK:
Uh, what now, woman?

[clears throat]
We've got to play for something.

Oh, yes, the stakes.

You win, we die
with plenty of screaming.

[Harold scoffs]

He wins, you let us go.

As keeper of the tomb,
l must destroy all intruders.

HAROLD:
Hey, lighten up.

lt's just a game.

Aren't there any exceptions?

What should we play for?

Wait! l have it!

As a youth, we frequently
played with face cards,

and we had nothing to wager
but our garments.

Garments?

Oh, it was most diverting.

Every hand...

[laughing]:
a garment was won or lost.

This is starting to sound
an awful lot like strip poker.

Uh-huh.

And why not,
you spawn of a jackal?

l'm not gonna play strip poker
with a mummy.

-lf he loses, he'll turn...
-Shut up!

[whispers]: But if he loses,
he'll turn to dust!

Exactly, Harold.

Well, who deals?!

Deuces wild?

HAROLD:
How many cards?

TAPOK:
Eh, uh, what would you suggest?

AlLEEN:
Get rid of those three kings.

But l thought
kings are most powerful.

Could three kings ever rule
a country?

Would they ever agree
on anything?

Ah... l see what you mean.

l'll take... three.

Coming up.

l better win this game,
or l risk being in violation

of Amenhotep's decency code.

HAROLD:
l'm in for a shirt.

Raise him a bandage.

Are you certain?

Play or pay.

l raise you a bandage!

l'll see you.

Show him your cards.

Oh, well, yes,
l remember. l remember.

Uh, l have a three, a four,
a five, a nine,

and a jack deprived of an eye.

Pair of tens.

You lose.

What? Again?!

Unravel.

Oh, this is most involving.

[laughing]:
l haven't had so much fun

since Amenhotep
changed his name to Ahknaton,

and made everybody pray
to the sunrise.

[Aileen laughs]

HAROLD:
Sounds like a real kick.

Uh, l bet a bandage.

Mm... pair of pants.

Uh, why don't you get
four more cards?

Oh, but-but l thought

a-a-a series in the same design
is conducive to good fortune.

Uh, yeah, ordinarily it is,
but not in spades.

Oh.

Four.

Your bet.

Oh, l feel most fortunate.

l bet two bandages!

HAROLD:
l'll see you,

and l'll raise you a jacket.

Agreed! Show your cards!

Four queens.

Four ones.

Harold wins.

But-But-But-But l thought
ones are powerful.

Uh, yeah, that's true, they are,
but-but only on the Sabbath.

Tough break.

Your hand reminds me
four times over

of a certain young lady
of my acquaintance.

A girl from Dashur
who took quite a fancy to me.

Unfortunately,

she was committed
to my master Ahknaton.

Nevertheless,

we managed a moment
or two together,

when l held her in my ar...

HAROLD:
Less talk

and more action, pal?

[roaring]

[yelling]

You dare to interrupt
my only pleasant memory?!

Oh, no...

l should pluck out your arms

like flower petals!

AlLEEN:
Tell us about that girl.

Uh, the one from Dashur.

l-l-l'd really like
to hear about her.

Oh, it was most romantic.

We met secretly,

in a small boat,

set among the papyrus reeds.

l knew you were a romantic.

[whispers]:
What now?

l think he's in a trance.

Well, l thought you said
once the bandages were off,

he'd be vaporized.

Yeah, l did.

He's looking better
than ever, isn't he?

We should, uh,
make our move now, huh?

How? The door's solid.

Well, doors have locks,
locks have keys.

Aha!

l've got it!

You've got what?

Well, l just took a little trip.

An out-of-body voyage
to a place--

a most unusual
and interesting place--

known, l believe, as Las Vegas.

-[Harold gulps loudly]
-l saw a thousand games there

played by a man named, uh,
uh, Lowball Jones.

Oh, he... l...

lt was very educational
in poker.

l saw it all-- Stud, Draw,

Cincinnati, Pass the Trash,

and my own personal favorite,

Spit in the Ocean.

l think that he's ready to play.

TAPOK:
Deal.

And don't think l didn't hear
you two plotting against me.

You want the door open?
Here is the power.

This will serve
as your final prize, provided

you can win another hand.

Sounds good to me.

Let's play.

HAROLD:
How many?

l'll stick.

[sighs quietly]

What do you got?

Pair of treys, ace high.

You won.

He won!

Oh, about time, too.

Well, l'll, uh...

All right, l'll give you back,
uh, three feet of bandages.

No. l want your helmet.

Whatever you say.

Pretty good fit, too.

Deal!

l'm freezing.

Look, l'll swap you


Use the bandages.

They're not so bad,
once you get used to them.

[Harold scoffs]

Uh, help me.

Aha!

l got you dead to rights
this time.

l see you,
and l raise you my tie.

Your-Your face is a beacon
of newfound confidence.

You bet your ribbons it is!

Oh, l tire of this.

l have a proposition for you.

All or nothing.

Your tie against the key.

You're on.

[stammers]
One small catch, Harold.

lf you lose,
you take my place down here.

He's beginning to look like he
belongs down here, anyhow.

Oh.

HAROLD:
No problem.

lf l lose.

Harold,
he's playing for the key.

Well, it's really an amulet,
but it does open the door.

What do you got, pops?

You first.

Nine, ten, jack, queen,
king of diamonds.

Straight flush.

Beat that, Desert Breath.

Oh... ten...

Jack...

Queen...

King...

Ace of hearts.

[gasps]

Straight royal flush.

ln hearts.

Your tie, sir.

Listen, here...

l'm a very important
archaeologist.

The whole world
will be looking for me.

Oh, they will
undoubtedly find you...

after 50 centuries or so.

[muffled shrieking]

l doubt he'll make
a very good guard for Ahknaton.

[Harold whimpering]

But the power
of the cursed mummy

comes entirely
from the bandages.

[muffled muttering]

[Aileen gasps and yells]

See?

[muffled muttering
and whimpering]

Yes, even the power of
a mummy has its limitations.

-The amulet?
-HAROLD: No!

lt could stop 20 mummies.

-[Harold shrieks angrily]
-Oh...

lt could also open
a certain door.

Aw, Tapok, what about me?

Are you gonna leave me
down here to rot?

TAPOK [clearing throat]:
Well, Aileen,

you do look a lot like that girl
in the papyrus reeds,

and l might consider
a joyful alliance.

-l love older men.
-[Tapok gasps passionately]

[muffled]:
Older men?!

[Harold mutters, then shrieks]

And remember
what they say in Vegas:

Keep your eye
on the bottom of the deck.

[laughing]

He was palming the cards!

[Tapok laughing,
Harold whimpering]

-[echoing thud]
-[grunts]

[groans]

[crying]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.