04x07 - The Yattering and Jack

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[''We Wish You a Merry Christmas''
playing]

[melody fades into haunting
counterpoint melody]

[shatters]

[bubbling]

[rapid bubbling]

MAN:
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la,
la-la, la, la ♪

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la,
la-la, la, la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la,
la-la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la... ♪

[knocks on wall]

Well, house like this,

you've got to expect
the foundation to settle a bit.

Just going to have
to do something

about that one of these days.

[humming ''Deck the Halls'']

[continues humming,
then stops abruptly]

Oh, dear.

What a mess.

[grunts]

Must be those damn raccoons
again, huh?

l'm going to have to put a
screen on top of that chimney.

Really going to have
to shore up the foundations.

Oh, well.

Que será será.

Damn.

[sighs]

Boiled fish again.

Well... have to replace
that thermostat, that's all.

Well, if it isn't one thing,
it's another, hmm?

Oh, that's convenient!

l've been meaning to rearrange
these books, anyway.

Let's see.

How should l rearrange them?

By author?

No.

By title, hmm?

[chuckling]

Maybe by color, huh?

[woman humming ''Deck the Halls'']

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la,
la-la, la, la ♪

[humming continues]

No.

Amanda.

Oh...!

Damn.

[growling, snarling]

Dad!

Merry Christmas.

Amanda, you're supposed to be

spending Christmas
with your mother.

What's the matter?

Aren't you glad to see me?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yes.
Of course. Delighted.

-lt's just that...
-Just what?

lt's just that l'm surprised
to see you-- that's all.

Look, l've been having
a difficult time lately.

Everything is so...
unpredictable.

Well, l couldn't stand the idea

of you spending Christmas
all alone.

Well, l'm not really alone.

l mean, l-l mean,
l don't mind really being alone.

l was beginning to think
you didn't want me here.

Oh, honey, don't.

Don't ever say that.

So, smile.

You're allowed to smile.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

l did buy a turkey.

And l got the tree out,
and l decorated it.

You did the tree
all by yourself?

[laughs]

l got to see it.

Amanda! Amanda!

God, what happened?

Oh, oh, that?

Well, you know me.

You know how clumsy l am.

l'm always knocking
something over.

This isn't like you at all.

Well, it was just a couple
of accidents--

nothing to really worry about.

[growling, plate shattering]

Dad!

lt's okay. lt's okay, baby.

lt's just the foundation
settling-- that's all.

Dad, there's something
seriously wrong here.

No.

No, l don't think so.

Listen, l got an idea.

Why don't l make you a nice cup
of hot chocolate, huh?

Nothing cheerful as a cup
of hot chocolate, is there?

Come on.

Come.

[whispers]:
Come on.

[snarling]

[shrieking]

[growling]

-What was that?
-What was that?

l told you-- it's nothing.

lt's just the house settling--
that's all.

No, no, it...
it sounded like some animal.

Look.

l told you.

Oh, oh, those.

Those are old marks, honey.

Ah, come on.

Let's have that cup
of hot chocolate,

and then we'll stuff the turkey.

Hey, l've got something
that l was going to...

l was going to deliver it
over to your mother's house.

[chuckling]:
Dad.

Go on, open it.

lt's Christmas Eve--
or it will be soon.

[Amanda chuckles]

[gasps]
Dad, they're beautiful.

They're not real, but the
jeweler says... [clicks tongue]

''Only an expert
can tell the difference.''

Oh.

Dad, l love you!

[carolers singing ''Angels We
Have Heard on High'' outside]

Hey, it's the carolers
from St. Anne's.

♪ And the mountains in reply ♪

♪ Echoing their joyous
strains... ♪

lt wouldn't be Christmas
without them, huh?

-[Amanda chuckling]
-Come on.

Let's go to the front door
and sing with them.

-Come on.
-[chuckling]: Okay.

♪ ln Excelsis Deo ♪

♪ Glo... ♪

Make them stop!
l'm losing my mind!

♪ ...Oria ♪

♪ ln Excelsis Deo... ♪

Lord Beelzebub, help me!

Hear my plea!

♪ Angels we have heard on high ♪

♪ Sweetly singing
o'er the plains ♪

-♪ And the mountains in reply ♪
-[rumbling]

♪ Echoing their... ♪
[singing fades]

[rumbling continues]

[whips cracking]

Beelzebub!

My Lord, you heard me.

We hear all suffering
in the depths, demon.

Every sigh.

Every tear.

Every complaint.

That's what makes it Hell.

l'm honored beyond all demons.

Don't be.

l just came up here
to shut you up.

All Hell is murky with the echo
of your yattering.

But my Lord, this... this man,
he's... he's some kind of saint.

l'll never snatch his soul.

He's not a saint.

He's a pickle salesman.

But he'll break,
like all the rest.

First, he'll admit
the presence of evil.

And then he'll lose faith in
the existence of good.

And next, he'll start
to question his fate

and ask, ''Why me?''

And finally, he'll curse God.

And then... he's mine.

-[thunder crashing]
-Not this one.

l've tried everything.

l sent such lustful dreams
to his wife,

till one day he walked in on her
and his best friend.

-[carolers hum ''Silent Night'']
-And what did he do?

He said, ''Que será será.''

ltalian.

A charm against disappointment.

''What will be, will be.''

Then l put his cat
in the microwave.

[chuckles]

My masterpiece.

Fur and cat brains
all over the kitchen walls.

You must try harder.

Let me touch him, just once.

Please.

No.

There are rules, demon.

Even for us.

A fingernail in the eye.

Did you learn nothing
at the academy?

[flame whooshes]

Read it, Yattering.

[carolers continue humming
''Silent Night'']

''Treaty of Job.


''Rule one--
'Thou shalt not touch.'''

And the penalty, name it.

''To become a sl*ve.''

Exactly so.

You have your instructions.

Break his pathetic
human heart.

Crush his sanity.

Drive him to suicide
any way you can.

But don't touch.

lt's impossible.

Do it, or suffer eternally
in his place.

Oh, no. Not that.

Please, it's not fair.

Don't fail.

Eternity is
a long, long, long...

long time.

[thunder crashing]

No, no, don't leave me.

[carolers humming
''Silent Night'']

Make them stop!

Make them shut up!

[humming ''Silent Night'']

Thank you.
That was lovely.

Oh, yeah, yes, that was
very, very nice, yes.

Something for the homeless?

Oh, yes, yes, of course,
of course.

We'll see you next year, huh?

Thank you.

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish
you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪ Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin ♪

♪ Good tidings at Christmas
and a happy New Year... ♪

[shivers]

What's that smell?

Like rotten eggs.

l imagine it's just the drains.

l'll have a plumber in
to see about them.

[grunting]

There's something
alive in there!

You see, Amanda,
it's probably just a raccoon.

[turkey gobbling]

[gobbling continues]

[screams]

[gobbling stops]

lt's okay. lt's okay, honey.

See? lt stopped.

My God.

My fault.

l should have gotten
a frozen turkey.

l mean, this one is...
is too fresh.

Dad, this is no time for jokes.

l'm sure there's a rational
explanation for everything.

What, the foundation's settling?

Well, maybe Santa Claus
is playing tricks this year,

and he got Christmas mixed up
with Halloween.

[chuckles]

You look pale.

Let me pour you a brandy.

Why can't you be serious?

This is happening now.

This is not some crazy story
someone's making up.

l am serious about the brandy.

Dad.

Look, Amanda,
the only possible explanation

is too preposterous for words.

You mean a poltergeist?

Yes, all that stuff.

Bogeymen, things that
bump in the night.

But we're a modern people.

We live in the 20th century.

We don't believe
in bogeymen, do we?

Dad, l know what l saw.

That turkey was... was alive.
And now it's on the tree.

There's something evil
in this place.

Whatever it is, we're just going
to have to live with it.

Que será será.

Don't say that!

You know, you're a lot
like your mother.

Don't say that either.

What do you want me to do--

call the police, or an exorcist?

Oh, maybe l should just
let whatever's going on

drive me stark raving bonkers.

Would you like to see that?

See the men in the white suits
come and cart me away?

Look, l'm doing the only thing
that l know how,

and that is to take life
as it comes.

And don't lose faith
that whatever it is,

it'll work out
for the best somehow.

And that's Jack Polo's
philosophy of life.

Now it may not be
the greatest philosophy,

but it's got me through


and l'm going to stick with it.

Sorry.

l shouldn't have criticized you.

No, it's all right.

Children should criticize
their parents.

lt's a way of understanding
them, hmm?

[Yattering snarls]

Did you hear that?

Yes, yes, Amanda, l heard it.

[turkey gobbling]

Out! Out!

[grunts]

No! Not her!
You leave her alone!

[grunts]

Show yourself!
Show yourself!

-[Amanda gasps]
-Show yourself!

[Jack grunting]

Show yourself, damn you!

[yelling]

[panting]

Are you okay?

Yes, l'm perfectly all right.

ln fact, l think
l might take a walk.

Dad.

Do you care to join me, huh?

Huh?

[snarling]

[snarling continues]

[thunder crashing]

Beelzebub.

You're about to fail.

But my lord, l'm so close.

Fool!

He's about to go
back to his wife.

What?

Back to an orgy
of forgiveness and compassion.

And you're wasting your time
tearing up Christmas presents.

l'll-l'll stop him.

Don't let him set foot
outside the door,

or you've lost him.

[echoing]:
l want him damned!

l'll drop by.

And if your mom asks
me to stay, maybe l will.

That'd be great.

My God, we're locked in!

lt won't let us out!

l'll tell you what--

[loudly]:
why don't we try the back door?

Baby, come on! l got it!

Damn!
Fooled by a mortal.

No!

Whoops.

[Amanda shrieks]

Now, you see what you've done?

You've frightened my daughter.

Now don't you ever
do that again.

Hell and damnation.

You hold your tongue.

There's a lady present.

Now, come on, come on.

No tricks, you hear me?

-[Yattering snarls]
-Come on. [grunts]

Look, look, look.

Look, look.

Look what you've done
to my place, huh?

You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.

What is that?

Oh, it's the thing they sent
to claim my soul.

He's a minor,
not terribly bright demon

called the Yattering,
l believe.

God, what do we do?

lt's now my sl*ve,
isn't that right?

YATTERlNG:
Yes.

JACK:
Yes, what?

Yes, Mr. Polo.

But how?

Very good, very good.

He broke rule one.

Mustn't touch the damned
until they're damned.

So now he's mine.

[laughing]

How did you know?

Oh, didn't they tell you why
they wanted me damned so bad?

My mother was a witch.

Grandma?

Yes.

Now, you get busy
and tidy up the place.

And when you're done, you can
cook us a nice Christmas dinner.

Yes, master.

You know, they'll never
let you into Heaven

with a demon as a sl*ve.

Oh, never mind that.

Get to work.

This place is an unholy mess.

lt's all right.

We're safe now.

Dad, isn't that true what he
just said about Heaven?

Possibly, yes.

But you know what
l always say...

[Yattering snarls]

What are you muttering
back there, Yat?

What is it that l always say?

Que será será?

Right.

Dad...

That's what l always say.

[laughing]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.