04x15 - Do Not Open This Box

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[man humming softly]

[soft humming continues]

WOMAN:
Charlie?

Charlie, l'm calling you!

l'm not getting
a decent picture.

Do you hear me, Charlie?

l'm losing my eyesight
squinting at this thing.

Clarissa Sanderson has

a great big, brand-new


Clarissa can change channels

while she talks
on the damn phone.

CHARLlE [quietly]:
Mm-hmm...

Mama always said
you'd never amount to anything.

Did l listen to her?
Oh, no.

''Charlie sells insurance.
Charlie has a future.''

Only, Charlie went and quit
his job 35 years ago,

and look where we are today.

[door opens]

What is this piece of junk that
l found on my kitchen counter?

Would you please look at me
when l am speaking to you?

Oh, good, l need that.
Thank you, Ruth.

l'm working on
a great new invention:

a universal fastener.

You see,
with a flick of a wrist,

any door, drawer, or what have
you can be instantly secured.

Needs no bolts,
screws or hinges.

Can be applied to anything.

And it's so simple,
even a child can use it.

Charlie, wake up
and smell the coffee.

Your inventions have
never worked,

and they never will.

All you're good for is
repairing broken-down junk.

l want new things
that l can break myself.

Something that comes
with a tag on it.

Something that comes in a box.

When was the last time
we had anything around here

that came in a box?

''Do not open this box.''
Why?

l don't know, dear,

but we better leave
it alone; it's not mine.

lt mu... it must've been
delivered by mistake.

Give me the box.

Oh, Ruth, please,
there must be a reason why

it says not to open it.

Oh, leave it alone, dear.

lt's only a box.

You are pathetic.

lf Medicare wrote you
a letter ordering you

to k*ll yourself, you'd do it.

Oh, God,
l should've married Richmond.

He wasn't afraid
to take chances.

Dear, Richmond's been dead
for 20 years.

Yes, and when he died,
he was a millionaire.

And who got his money?

Clarissa Sanderson.

Don't you dare!

Honey, there may be
a b*mb in there.

Shut up!

[gasps]

A piece of junk.

[dog barks outside]

Oh, good morning.

CHARLlE:
Good morning.

Excuse me.

Um, is this the home
of Mister... Oh, dear...

Oh, oh, Mr. Charles Pennywell?

-Yes.
-Why?

l'm afraid
l've lost something.

lt's of
considerable value to me,

and it may have
been delivered

to you by mistake.

Uh, l, uh,

you-you're certainly not on
my delivery list.

But see, l have a nephew--

uh, well, he's an
assistant, really, l...

Well, he's not a bad sort,

but, but young people
just can't...

There's been a terrible mix-up.

And l... Well, you have no...

Well, anyway,
maybe you've seen it.

lt's a, it's a small box.

lt's about this...

Oh! About this high.

lt has little brass
corners on it, and...

and it has little letters
on it that say,

''Do not open this box.''

Uh, you haven't seen it?

Or have you?

Maybe.

Uh, well, l have
to deliver it this Friday.

And you have no idea
the trouble l'll be into

if l don't retrieve that box.

Unopened, of course.
That goes without saying. l...

l didn't mean to infer...

Would you excuse us,
just for a minute?

Certainly.

-Don't you think...?
-Shh!

Don't you think

we ought to give him
his box back, Ruth?

Certainly not!

There must have been

something very valuable
in that box.

And somebody must have
stolen it.

Now, we don't want him to know
that we even have it.

You just let me handle this.

Um, my husband thinks,
uh, that he, uh, may have,

uh, seen your box.

And l stress the word ''may.''

Oh, good.
Very, very good!

And, of course,
he would be happy

to return it to you, uh,
if he could locate it.

That's wonderful.

-Ruth, we...
-Well, you see, but this is...

my husband's busy season,

and it just might be
extremely, uh, inconvenient

for him to take
the time right now

to locate the box.

And l thought, well, maybe,
if there were some, um--

well, how shall l put that--

-if there were some, um...
-Oh, Ruth.

Reward?

You-You feel
there should be a reward.

-No!
-Yes.

What?

Yes, of course. Well...

l'm a very fair man. l...

l believe in payment rendered
for payment due.

Uh, well...
and l must have that box back.

Must, must, must.

Unopened, of course.

Of course, that goes
without saying, as l said, uh...

Well, l'd...
l'd give anything.

Absolutely anything.

What exactly do you mean
by ''anything''?

[humming]

RUTH:
Charlie?

Charlie,
are you down there?

Oh, my God, Charlie!

lt's almost 7:00.

Here, put this on.

Oh, the living room looks
absolutely gorgeous!

Clarissa Sanderson is going
to have a hemorrhage

when she sees this dress.
[chuckles]

That's lovely, dear.

Oh, l've-l've-l've been
wondering about the color.

Do-Do you think it's too limey?

Charlie?

No, it's lovely.

-lt's great.
-Yes, dear.

lt is great.

Oh!

[dog barking outside]

You're right. lt's great.

l look ten years younger.

[gasps] Oh, Charlie,
who would have thought?

Who would have thought?!

Uh-huh.

Oh, l can't wait

to get my hands
on this basement.

Dear, l'm really
quite comfortable

down here, just the way it is.

Oh, no.

When he comes back,

we are going to get him

to change this
into a media center.

We'll have
a big TV projection camera

and lots
of stereo equipment...

Don't you think we're being
a little bit greedy?

l mean, after all,

we haven't even given him
his box back yet, dear.

ls that fair, Ruth?

Charlie, there are two kinds
of people in this world.

Now, l am a winner.

l think you know what you are.

Yes, dear.

Charlie, please

do not embarrass me tonight.

This is my big night.

Don't sit around and talk
about your inventions

-[Charlie mutters]
-or what you're working on now

or what you would have done

if somebody else hadn't
done it first.

-Yes, dear.
-Nobody cares, Charlie.

Charlie, my darling, we've got
to start living in the present!

-Yes, dear.
-And clean your fingernails.

-Yes, dear.
-And put on a suit.

-Uh-huh.
-l don't care which one.

Jus... Not that charcoal--
you look so seedy in that.

CHARLlE:
Uh-huh.

-[Charlie humming softly]
-RUTH: Charlie?

Charlie?

[door opens]

[footsteps approaching]

l knew l'd find you down here.

Yes, dear.

Charlie, we have to get you out
of the junk business.

But l love my inventions, dear.

They're not junk to me.

Yes, l heard you boring
Mr. Jenkins with it.

You seem upset, Ruth.

Clarissa Sanderson said that
my bracelet was ostentatious.

Now, do you think
that's ostentatious?

Oh, how would you know?
You don't have any taste.

l think everyone loved
your bracelet, dear.

And did you see
the way she looked at me

when l passed the caviar?

Who the hell does she think
she is?

lt's definitely ostentatious.

She's probably jealous.

Well, of course she's jealous.

Oh, my God,
my feet are k*lling me.

[sirens wailing in distance]

Dumb, vicious woman.

l don't think she meant
to be vicious, dear.

Are you defending
Clarissa Sanderson?

No, dear.

You never stick up for me,
do you, Charlie?

ls that because you're
a weak-willed man,

or do you hate me?

l don't hate you, Ruth.

Does Clarissa know

that you're not any fun?

Does she know that
you never want

to go out dancing

or that you don't like
meeting new people?

l'm gonna tell you
something, Charlie.

lf you don't start shaping up,

l may have to leave you.

Now, that is not a threat.

That is just a cold
fact of life.

So you just remember that
the next time

you stick up for
Clarissa Sanderson.

[dogs barking,
knocking at door]

That's right.

Just walk away from me
while l'm still talking to you.

[dog barking]

l've come for my box.

l hope l haven't come
at a bad time.

He came for his box, Charlie.

l know, dear.

Have you found his box, Charlie?

Not yet, dear.

Louder, please.

[slightly louder]:
Not yet, dear.

He's still looking.

Oh, well, l don't mind waiting.

Uh, go ahead, look away.

Just pretend l'm not here.

lt shouldn't be hard to find.

lt's a little box.

lt has, uh, brass corners.

And letters on it that say,
''Do not...''

RUTH: Why don't you
come back next week?

Next week? Oh, no, no, no.

Next week won't do at all.

lf l don't get that box back
by midnight tomorrow night--

unopened, of course,
that goes without saying--

there'll be...
you-know-what to pay.

RUTH:
ln the meantime,

l'm sure you won't mind
discussing

-a few little problems.
-Problems?

Let's start with the bracelet.

l mean, it's big enough,

but it's a little ostentatious,
don't you think?

Ma'am, this bracelet belonged
to Marie Antoinette.

Used jewelry?

Well, no wonder.

l only wear new.

And there are nicks

in that silver service upstairs.

ls that secondhand, too?

POSTMAN: That's been in Henry
Vlll's family for generations.

Well, l am certainly not
going to eat

off a dead person's silverware.

This is highly irregular.

l'm a fair man, but you
must realize there is a limit.

Now, and about the sable--

l don't have my monogram inside.

l mean, Clarissa Sanderson--

she has her monogram embroidered
right inside the lining.

Oh, that makes it so much
more special, don't you think?

And l want to talk
about redoing the basement.

Now, we don't have to talk
about it right this minute,

but we sort of had in mind
a media center...

[hissing]

[alarm ringing]

Ah.

-Coffee?
-POSTMAN: Yes, thanks.

No cream or sugar.

Uh, l'm watching the weight.

This machine
has been chugging along

for 35 years
without a single complaint.

Sort of like me, you might say.

Careful, now. lt's hot.

Oh. lt's never bothered me.

lsn't there something
you need, Charlie?

Your wife has had
a lot of requests,

but l don't remember you asking
for anything.

Oh, l don't need anything.

Oh, we all need something.

Wouldn't you like to be young?

-l mean, a lot younger.
-[Charlie chuckles]

You know, pretty girls,
fast cars.

Yeah?

l'd like to invent something
that could be useful to others.

That's sort of my dream,
you might say.

Nice.

Very nice.

RUTH:
Charlie!

l'm sorry about your box.

l don't even know where it is.

-My wife won't tell me.
-[approaching footsteps]

l'd give it back to you.

-l really would.
-[door opening]

Oh, l...

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

Hello, dear.
We've been waiting for you.

Everything's here.

l hope you approve.

We try to be fair.

What-What is this?

lt's an electric drill.

Every craftsman's dream.

[chuckles]
That's sweet of you, l'm sure,

but l don't think we'll need it.

What else is...?

Oh.

[gasps]

l hope you like it.

Well, l'm not sure.

l think l'll have
to live with it a while.

Oh, l'm sorry, ma'am.

We don't have much time.

l'm not very happy
with the Formica in the kitchen.

There are ugly seams
around the joints.

Clarissa Sanderson
has that ColorCore Formica.

l'm sorry.

This won't do at all.

l've been a fair man
and a patient man,

but l would like that box,
and l would like that box now.

And l would like you
out of my house.

Charlie, call the police.

lf you're going to be
that way about it,

l suppose you leave me
no choice.

Out of my house-- now!

You weren't very nice
to him, Ruth.

Charlie, you make me sick.

What is that?

lt's a notice
of repossession, Ruth.

He's taking back everything.

You believe everything you read?

This isn't worth the paper
that it's written on.

He's nothing but a bluffer.

l knew that the minute
l laid eyes on him.

[sizzling]

[expl*si*n booms]

[rumbling]

RUTH:
What is it?

What's happening up there?

l did try to be fair, Charlie.

l want you to know that.

[door opens,
approaching footsteps]

RUTH:
Charlie.

There's nothing left.

lt's all gone.

All our beautiful new couches
and the p...

and the paneling
in the kitchen--

it's all back
the way it used to be.

Take a look in the mirror, Ruth.

Oh, my God, it's not fair.

My hair, my clothes...

my bracelet.

My elegant bracelet.

Where is that box?

Where is that box?

Ah!

Here.

Here's your box.

Now, we kept our end
of the bargain.

l trust that you'll keep yours.

This box has been opened.

Well, l took one little,
tiny peek.

l mean, it only took a second.

l looked inside, and l-l-l saw
that it was... was empty.

l don't know what all the fuss
is about.

There was something
in it, all right.

A thing more valuable
than any possession on earth.

A human soul,

delivered to you through
some strange quirk of fate.

And you want to know
what all the fuss is about.

My, my, my.

We're really very sorry.

l'm afraid ''sorry'' won't do.

l'm afraid...

you'll have to supply
a replacement.

Proper payment for payment due,
of course.

Replacement for what?

CHARLlE: l think he means
our souls, dear.

You want our souls?

One will suffice.

We're not greedy.

Let me see-- l have to be
in Washington at 3:00.

There are always a lot
of pickups in Washington.

And then Moscow at 4:00.

Moscow's always a backbreaker.

And Tripoli, Tehran...

Uh, why don't l put
you good pe...

you people down for midnight?

[dog barking in distance]

[knock at door]

Charlie,
if you ever in your life

did anything right,
do it tonight.

[knocking on glass]

[dog continues barking]

Well, it's all straightened out,

and you're not
going to believe this.

You remember
l couldn't understand

why you weren't
on my delivery list?

Well, my nephew checked.

You're on my list, all right,
but you're a pickup,

not a delivery.

[humming]

Go.

[ticking]

[continues humming]

l can't, Ruth.

-[squishing thud]
-POSTMAN: Oh!

Of course.

Thou shalt not take the name
of the Lord in vain.

Thou shall not covet
thy neighbor's possessions.

Thou shall not k*ll.

Of course, you were a pickup.

lt makes sense.

Oh, l feel so much better.

Now, hold still,
and you won't feel this a bit.

-[Postman chanting]
-[Ruth sobbing, whimpering]

[screaming]

[Charlie humming]

Oh, you'll be so pleased, dear.

lt finally works.

RUTH: lf it's working now,
it'll break, Charlie.

And if it doesn't break,
nobody'll want it.

And if somebody wants it,

somebody else
will already own the...

What are you doing?

[continues humming]

Stay away from me
with that thing...

No!

No, Charlie!

Charlie, please!

Stay away from me!

[lid creaking]

Oh, God!

[echoing, fading]:
No...!

POSTMAN:
And it can't be opened?

You'd have to destroy that box
before you could open it.

[chuckling]:
The boss'll love this.

[knock at door]

Good-bye, Charlie.

[wind whistling]

Oh, l hope you don't mind
my dropping in at you

at this hour,
but as l was taking

this lovely devil's food cake
out of the oven,

a little voice said,
''Take this right up to Charlie.''

Why, Clarissa Sanderson,
you come right in here.

Oh, my.

But this is a cozy room.

And so,
this is your workroom.

Uh-huh.

l love a room
that looks lived-in.

ls this the desk where you
do all your work, Charlie?

And, oh, my,
look at those shelves...

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.